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You Will Attract Everything (Once You Let Go) — Transcript

by Lewis Howes · 9,041 words · 1,411 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00If you're looking to create an
0:01extraordinary life, but you feel like
0:03you've been stuck a lot lately and
0:04you're not getting the breakthrough
0:05[music] you want, the thing you want
0:07most is probably closer than you think.
0:10And the reason it hasn't shown up yet is
0:12not because you're not doing all the
0:14work you're supposed to be doing. It's
0:16the way that you're holding onto it.
0:19Now, you've been clear about [music]
0:20what you want, setting goals,
0:22visualizing, and doing all the steps you
0:25need to do. And you've done the work.
0:27And somewhere along the way, it turned
0:28into something [music] heavy for you. It
0:30turned into a weight and it became an
0:33expectation. And it has to happen this
0:36way. It has to happen by this date. The
0:40person has to be the one who gives it to
0:42me in this way. And the tighter that you
0:45hold onto this expectation, this belief,
0:47this desire, that it has to be a certain
0:50way, the further away it feels. Now,
0:53desire pulls things towards you. When we
0:56desire, when we dream, we start to
0:59imagine and pull things toward us. But
1:02the expectations we put out there into
1:04the world pushes them away. Today, we're
1:08going through the five expectations that
1:10are quietly blocking you from having
1:13more freedom, more abundance, more
1:16peace, and more fulfillment.
1:18And break down how to shift your mindset
1:22to let go of the expectation. That's
1:25what we're talking about today, so that
1:27you can begin attracting all that you
1:29actually desire. And once I started to
1:31learn how to let go of these
1:33expectations in my life, it allowed
1:36me to attract the right business
1:38opportunities, the right relationships
1:40and friendships, and it's even how I
1:42found my wife, Martha, by letting go of
1:45these five key expectations.
1:49And expectation number one
1:51is something that a lot of us do.
1:53We say, "I've done the work, so now I'm
1:56owed this.
1:59Here's a question for you. Why do some
2:01of the hardest working people you know,
2:03and maybe it's yourself also,
2:05why did they or you still feel like
2:08you're stuck?
2:10Because somewhere in their head or
2:12somewhere in your head,
2:14they're keeping record of what they feel
2:17like they're owed. And maybe this is
2:18something you do a lot as well. I worked
2:20this whole year in a certain way, now
2:22I'm owed a certain thing. I show up
2:25every single day, the promotion should
2:26be mine. I should be getting that raise,
2:28whatever it might be. I posted
2:31content every single day for a year like
2:33people told me to do. So now I should
2:35have the following or the audience or
2:37the views.
2:38I've been a great partner in my
2:40relationship, so I should be receiving
2:42more love back.
2:44This all feels fair.
2:46And
2:47in a lot of ways, it makes a ton of
2:49sense. You put in the effort, you should
2:51be getting the results. But the moment
2:53your effort comes with an expectation
2:56attached to it,
2:57the people around you can start to feel
2:59it.
3:00They feel the pressure before you say a
3:02word.
3:03And my friend and previous guest on the
3:06on the School of Greatness podcast,
3:07Myron Golden, talks about this when it
3:10comes to selling someone something. So
3:13if you're in the sales world, this is
3:15something you need to hear. The more you
3:16need someone to say yes,
3:19the less likely they are to say it.
3:21Neediness is something people sense
3:24immediately. And they they kind of
3:26resist it. They push away from it. They
3:28don't want to be sold something,
3:30especially if they don't feel like you
3:32have their best interest in mind. It
3:34works the same way in business, in love,
3:36and in friendships.
3:38The tighter you grip
3:40what you think you are owed, the less
3:43room there is for it to arrive and come
3:46to you. Early in my business days, when
3:48I was launching the podcast, I
3:51originally thought,
3:53gosh, I'm going to work really hard. I'm
3:55going to do an episode a week and I want
3:57the audience to come quickly.
3:59But it wasn't happening right away in
4:00the first few months. Like no one was
4:02listening.
4:03And this was over 13 and a half years
4:05ago. No one knew what a podcast was. No
4:09one knew how to go and find and listen
4:10to a podcast. There was no video podcast
4:12then. It was a completely different
4:14landscape. And I was one of the first
4:16people to do it. And I thought all these
4:18people were to come and jump on and and
4:20subscribe and listen to the content cuz
4:22I was so excited about it. And then I
4:24realized, okay,
4:26I'm holding on to this too tightly. I
4:27want the results too quickly.
4:30And I said, "No what? I'm going to make
4:32an experiment.
4:34I'm just going to do this once a week
4:36for a year. I'm going to be consistent.
4:38And I'm not going to try to make any
4:40money from this. And I'm going to let
4:42the audience build as it naturally
4:44comes."
4:45And for the first year, I didn't make
4:47any money. It was not like all this
4:49money started coming in. I worked really
4:51hard every single week. I did an episode
4:53a week. I promoted it out. It's not like
4:55I just posted an episode and then hoped
4:57that people found it. I followed up. I
4:59messaged people one by one for a week
5:02with each episode throughout the whole
5:04year. And I would ask them to subscribe
5:07and listen. And I would give them
5:08specific points in that episode that I
5:10thought would speak to them that they'd
5:12be interested in. So I did that every
5:14day for every episode for that week. And
5:17then I would repeat it weekly for the
5:18year.
5:19And I made $0 on the podcast. It
5:22actually took a few years until I made
5:24any money on the podcast. But I stayed
5:26consistent every single week for those
5:28first few years.
5:30And when I let go of the expectation
5:31that I need to have a bigger following,
5:33I need to start making money from this,
5:35and I put my intention on service. I put
5:39my intention on adding value to people.
5:41I put my intention on how I can learn
5:43and develop and build relationships with
5:45the guests that I was interviewing. I
5:46put my intention on being of service to
5:49my guests and helping them succeed. Once
5:52I started to do that, instead of
5:53focusing on what I could gain from this
5:56financially or subscriber-wise,
5:59that's when opportunities really started
6:01to come. And it didn't happen right
6:03away. It took time,
6:05but it was almost like I had to be
6:07willing to show my lack of expectation
6:11for growth and financial results
6:14for a period of time until
6:17it started to come to me. And it was
6:18almost like I had to prove to myself
6:21that I was doing this
6:23out of love, out of joy, out of
6:25curiosity, and not out of
6:27wanting to make a lot of money or
6:29wanting to get a lot of followers or
6:30something like that. And once I shifted
6:32that internally, that internal
6:34expectation,
6:35and made it about service, made it about
6:37consistency, made it about figuring out
6:39how I can better myself in this journey,
6:41that's when others started to resonate
6:44with it even more and it started to take
6:46off and build. And listen, we all need
6:49to make money and I had business that
6:51was generating income in other ways. So,
6:54you can't just say I'm going to do this
6:55for 5 years and make no money and expect
6:57nothing in return. There's a balance to
6:59this as well, but it's more around the
7:01energy of the expectation. When you can
7:03let that go and continue to show up and
7:06take action and add value, that's when
7:08good things start to happen.
7:10So, this week I want you to try this.
7:12I want you to find the silent contracts
7:14that you have created with people. Maybe
7:16it's your audience, maybe it's
7:18with your intimate partner, maybe it's
7:19with friends, family, your boss, a
7:22co-worker, whatever it might be.
7:24And I want you to take out a piece of
7:24paper and I want you to finish this
7:27sentence as many times you can. So, go
7:29ahead and write this down and finish
7:32this sentence.
7:34And the sentence goes like this, I did
7:36blank, so I'm owed blank.
7:40So, I did blank, so I'm owed blank. And
7:42I want you to fill in those blanks. What
7:44did you do and what do you believe you
7:46are owed from the actions you did? I
7:49want you to be honest about this. You
7:50don't have to post this online. You
7:51don't have to share this in the comments
7:53below. Nobody else is going to read
7:55this. This is just for you to figure out
7:57what these silent contracts are. Cuz
7:59most people find three or four right
8:02away.
8:03With a boss, with a partner, a parent,
8:06your audience, whatever it is. I just
8:08want you to pick one of them and start.
8:10And keep doing the work on the left side
8:13of that sentence.
8:15And cross out the right side. So, you
8:18know, whatever you think it is, I did
8:20blank, so I'm owed blank. And I want you
8:23to, again, continue to do the work on
8:25the left side of that sentence and cross
8:27out the right side of what you're owed.
8:30You still show up. You still give. You
8:33just stop attaching an expectation to
8:36it. You stop attaching a result. Now,
8:38this doesn't mean you don't want the
8:40result still. You're going to be
8:41creating something cuz you want to You
8:43want to create a result for yourself as
8:45well. But when you tie the expectation
8:47to it, people feel it. I You know, I get
8:52emails, text messages, DMs weekly from
8:56people wanting something from me, right?
8:58And you can sense the energy on how
9:00people communicate through just written
9:03word. You can sense the energy when
9:05someone speaks to you in person if they
9:06want something from you. Maybe you don't
9:08feel comfortable with it right now or
9:10maybe it doesn't feel like it's the
9:11right timing, the right alignment. For
9:13whatever reason, once you stop attaching
9:15an expectation to something, watch how
9:18differently people respond to you by the
9:20end of this week.
9:22Stop attaching the expectation and watch
9:25how people respond. And if you're
9:27keeping score with your own effort,
9:30there's a good chance you're keeping
9:32score with everyone else's as well.
9:35Which brings us to the second
9:36expectation.
9:38Expectation number two is I should be
9:41where they are by now. Oh man, this is a
9:44big one. What do they say? Comparison is
9:46the thief of joy.
9:47Why can you be making real progress in
9:50your life, in your career, in your
9:52health, and whatever it might be, in
9:53your online following, or whatever it
9:54might be, and still feel like you're
9:56falling behind? You're making progress,
9:59but then you see someone else doing much
10:02better than you on their timeline.
10:05It's because you're comparing yourself
10:08and your life to someone else's life and
10:10their results.
10:11At some point, you picked someone that
10:13you admire. Or maybe you picked a few
10:15people in your industry that you look up
10:17to. Or maybe it's a few of your friends
10:18from college that are a few years out of
10:21college that just seem to be crushing it
10:23in life right now. They've got the
10:24relationship. They're getting engaged.
10:26They're getting married. They got this
10:28cool career that you wish you had that
10:31life. And without thinking about it,
10:32their life became your uh your path that
10:36you had to follow.
10:38They bought a house at 25 or 30, and you
10:40feel like, "Man, this seems impossible.
10:42How am I ever going to do this? I'm so
10:44far behind."
10:45They made, you know, 100 grand or half a
10:48million dollars or a million dollars in
10:50a few years after launching their
10:51business, and you've been trying to
10:53build a business for 5 to 10 years, and
10:56you've just feel like you've been
10:57failing over and over again. You feel
10:58less successful in that process.
11:01Again, they might be married with kids,
11:03and you're still single, or you're going
11:05through heartbreak and breakup after
11:07breakup, trying to see why
11:11you're not where you want to be in your
11:12relationship and what's wrong with you.
11:15Something is wrong with me if they're
11:17able to do this and I'm not.
11:20Wanting those things is fine. We all
11:22want to have nice things and nice
11:24experiences and great relationships. But
11:26expecting them to happen at the same
11:28time as someone else's timeline, it will
11:30make you crazy and make you miserable.
11:34So, you're looking
11:35at where they are after
11:3810, 15 years, and you're comparing it to
11:40where you are after a couple years. And
11:43that's not a fair fight.
11:44You feel like it when you look at
11:46someone else's Instagram page,
11:48and you feel bad for the rest of the day
11:50when you see all their highlights, all
11:52their successes, or seeming highlights
11:54and successes, and you feel like you're
11:56not there.
11:58Or when a friend of yours shares good
12:00news with you, and part of you is happy
12:02for them, but the other part of you is
12:03like, "Gosh dang it, you're really upset
12:06and jealous because they keep having win
12:08after win,
12:09and you just never have a good break."
12:12And you just feel like, "Why are they so
12:13lucky, and all these opportunities fall
12:15in their lap,
12:16but I work so hard, and I'm not getting
12:18what I want?" Listen, I used to
12:21get frustrated. I remember in playing
12:23sports, I used to get frustrated because
12:25I would compare myself to guys who were
12:28older than me. When I was a freshman,
12:29specifically in high school, and a
12:30freshman in college,
12:31I would compare myself to people who
12:33were juniors and seniors, a few years
12:35older than me.
12:36And I would get frustrated that they
12:38were getting playing time or
12:39opportunities that I wasn't getting,
12:41because in my mind, I felt like I was a
12:43better player. I felt like I was more
12:45athletic, a better player, worked
12:47harder, whatever might be.
12:49But these were upperclassmen. These were
12:50people that were a few years ahead of
12:51me. They'd put in the time, they'd put
12:53in the reps, they'd overcome their
12:54challenges, and they got to where they
12:56are. So, they were getting those
12:57opportunities. And I remember feeling
12:59really resentful and frustrated and
13:01jealous my freshman year because I
13:03didn't get the opportunities I wanted
13:04to.
13:05But here's the thing.
13:07There might be bigger reasons at play
13:09that are protecting you from not having
13:12those opportunities too soon.
13:14I remember a mentor of mine early on,
13:17when I was broke living on my sister's
13:18couch, I was working at an unpaid
13:20internship with someone in Columbus,
13:22Ohio,
13:23and I was
13:24working there a few days a week, just
13:26trying to learn.
13:28And after maybe 6 months,
13:31uh we would go on walks, you know, every
13:33week. And
13:35I would ask him questions during these
13:37walks.
13:39And one of these days, after about 6
13:40months of working with him as an
13:41internship, I was like really
13:43struggling. Really struggling
13:45financially,
13:46emotionally, my confidence was very low
13:50because I was in my mid-20s, I had no
13:52money, I was sleeping on my sister's
13:53couch, and I just felt like when am I
13:56ever going to catch a break? When am I
13:57ever going to learn how to make money?
13:58When am I going to get an opportunity
14:00that's going to set my life up for
14:02success? When am I going to get off my
14:03sister's couch? All these questions.
14:06And it was like I couldn't take care of
14:08myself.
14:10Um
14:11and it just doesn't feel good if you're
14:12not able to provide for yourself.
14:15And he turned to me and said and I said,
14:17you know, I could really learn how to
14:19make more money right now.
14:21And he turned to me and said, money
14:22comes to you when you're ready for it.
14:24I was like, I feel pretty ready. I feel
14:26really ready to have some money right
14:27now. Like I was broke, I was poor, I was
14:29struggling.
14:31And I was like, I'm ready. Trust me, I'm
14:33ready to have some money. And he was
14:34just like, money comes to you when
14:35you're ready for it. If you if you get
14:37it too soon before you're not ready for
14:39it, whether you don't have the right
14:40information, you don't have the right
14:41financial tools, financial education,
14:45emotional maturity, you're probably
14:47going to blow it or you'll sabotage it.
14:49And it wasn't until maybe a year later
14:51when money I started to learn how to
14:53make money
14:55that I realized he was right. Now, in
14:58that time of suffering and sadness and
15:00uncertainty and scarcity,
15:02it feels like, screw you. I don't want
15:05to hear this right now. Like, just give
15:07me some money because it will create
15:08relief in my life. It'll make me feel
15:10more worthy about myself when I feel
15:13completely unworthy.
15:15And he was right though because about a
15:17year, year and a half later, I started
15:19to earn some money. Not crazy money, but
15:21I was making more money than I'd ever
15:23made. And I was like, "Oh, had I made
15:25this a year ago, I probably would have
15:26blown it. Maybe I would have been more
15:28scarce with it. Maybe I would have
15:30sabotaged things. Like, I wouldn't have
15:32been ready for it."
15:34And so,
15:35you've got to know and trust the timing
15:38of your life. That doesn't mean do
15:40nothing and in a couple of years,
15:43everything's going to come to you. We
15:44still get to take the actions like the
15:46first expectation we talked about. I do
15:49this and [snorts] I'm owed this.
15:52Instead of saying, "I'm owed something,"
15:54just say, "I'm going to continue to take
15:56the actions consistently. Eventually,
15:59the right timing, things are going to
16:00show up for me. And maybe it's not going
16:02to be the way you expect them. Maybe
16:04it's greater than how you expect them.
16:07Maybe it's still less than how you
16:08expect them, but the expectations are
16:10what's hurting you."
16:12So, this week, I want you to try this.
16:13Write down the name of the person you
16:15compare yourself to the most. And this
16:18might frustrate you. This might upset
16:19you because it might be someone you
16:22don't like. It might be someone you who
16:24posts online that you just want to
16:25criticize all the time or you talk bad
16:27about behind their back cuz you're like,
16:28"Look at this person. Always showing
16:30off. Always posting this style of
16:32content. I don't like this thing." It's
16:34usually the person you don't like
16:36online. Or maybe you followed them for a
16:38while and then you unfollowed them or
16:39whatever it might be because you're
16:41like, "I don't like the way they do
16:42things. But dang it, they're really
16:44successful. Man, they figured this out
16:46or man, they've
16:47they've done what I want to do in my
16:48career."
16:50So, I want you to go and look at what
16:52their life was like when they were where
16:55you are now.
16:56So, if you're 25, if you're 30, try to
16:59go back and read their old interviews at
17:00that time. Scroll back to their first
17:03posts back on social media, their first
17:05videos that they posted 5, 10, 15 years
17:07ago.
17:08Or if you know them, just go ask them
17:11and compare that year,
17:14their year one to your year one right
17:17now.
17:18Maybe it was their year three compared
17:19to your year three right now.
17:21Most of the time you'll see that they
17:23were struggling also. Maybe they were a
17:25little bit farther than you, maybe a
17:26little bit less farther than you. But
17:28they were scared also. They were
17:30struggling, they were insecure, they
17:31were uncertain.
17:33And I'm telling you their numbers were
17:34small, too, if they have an online
17:36business or platform.
17:38And if they really were further ahead at
17:40that point, at the same point that you
17:42are now,
17:44then you get to learn what they did
17:45differently. Either way, you stop
17:47feeling behind and you start learning.
17:50Everything is feedback, everything is
17:51information. It doesn't mean you were
17:52right or wrong, it doesn't mean you were
17:54good or bad.
17:56Those first two expectations are the
17:57ones that you put on your own life.
18:01And that's what's holding you back. It's
18:02an emotional and psychological weight
18:05that's holding you back
18:07from being creative, from being
18:09innovative, from being expressive of
18:11your unique self.
18:13And when you create from a place of
18:15jealousy, anger, or expectation, you're
18:17probably not doing your best work. But
18:20when you create from a place of
18:22joy, of love, of inspiration, of
18:26passion,
18:28people can feel that and the energy
18:29shifts.
18:31So, this next one is the expectation you
18:33put on the people you love.
18:36And it can hurt your relationships more
18:38than anything else.
18:40Expectation number three,
18:41if they really cared,
18:44they'd know what I need.
18:47So, this is a big one. Why do you see so
18:49many relationships fall apart? Over
18:50things that nobody ever said out loud.
18:53Well, it's because most of us expect
18:54things from people
18:56that we've never actually asked them
18:59for.
19:00So, what does this mean? Well, you're
19:02you expect your partner to notice that
19:04you had a bad day.
19:05You expect your team to know what a
19:07great job looks like. You expect your
19:10friend to remember the day that matters
19:13to you the most. What was that date,
19:15that thing that it matters to me the
19:16most? They need to remember that as
19:17well.
19:18And when they don't remember these
19:20things, you get hurt. It's cuz you had
19:22an expectation.
19:24But they never knew.
19:25You never told them. You just expected
19:28them to read your mind. Kind of like The
19:30Notebook. What do you want? You know,
19:32it's like that scene in The Notebook
19:34where he just says over and over again,
19:35"What do you want? What do you want?"
19:38And she doesn't know. She can't tell
19:39him. She's just upset. And he's like,
19:41"Well, what do you want from me?"
19:43So, every time they miss it,
19:46you pull back a little bit. You get
19:48quieter, you give a little less,
19:50and the closeness you once had, or the
19:52closeness you want,
19:54gets harder to find in these
19:56relationships.
19:57And a lot of us think that if we have to
19:59ask for it, it doesn't count. If they
20:02really loved me, if they really cared
20:04about me,
20:05I wouldn't have to say it. I wouldn't
20:07have to say what I want.
20:09That one thought has ended marriages,
20:11has ended businesses, has ended
20:13friendships, partnerships, that should
20:16have lasted a lifetime or decades.
20:19And you've probably said
20:21to this partner, this friend, or
20:22whoever,
20:23you've probably said, "I'm fine."
20:26when actually you weren't.
20:28Or you dropped hints and got upset when
20:30nobody picked up on them.
20:32And this is passive-aggressive energy.
20:33This is really not healthy levels of
20:36communication. When you learn to have
20:38the emotional maturity
20:40to be uncomfortable and say, "Hey, this
20:42is something that I really need in my
20:44relationship. This is something I need.
20:46Is this something you're able to give to
20:47me?"
20:48Things start to shift. But when you just
20:50expect someone else to know what you
20:52want or know what you need,
20:56you're going to be resentful of them cuz
20:57you're holding on to an expectation. And
20:59this is something that I did wrong
21:02in
21:03every relationship, intimate
21:05relationship I had until I met my wife,
21:07Martha.
21:08I would have an expectation that they
21:09were supposed to know something or they
21:11were supposed to act a certain way when
21:13I had a a good day, a bad day.
21:15They were supposed to celebrate me in
21:16certain ways. They were supposed to lift
21:18me up in other ways without actually
21:19communicating what I wanted or what I
21:21needed and having an agreement in place.
21:24And one of the things that Martha and I
21:26did you know,
21:28after me realizing I was the problem in
21:30all my relationships before or at least
21:32I was the common denominator
21:34to them not working out
21:36was I told Martha early on when we were
21:38dating, I said, "Listen,
21:40I want you know, there's no perfect
21:43relationship and it doesn't mean we're
21:44never going to have challenges and
21:45adversities,
21:47but I would love to do therapy with you
21:48in the beginning of our relationship
21:50because every relationship I was in
21:51before
21:52had therapy at the end
21:55and then it didn't work out. It was too
21:56late.
21:57And I think if we do therapy from the
21:59beginning, we can quickly figure out
22:02whether we should actually continue
22:04dating
22:05or if we end the relationship early
22:08because we're unable to create
22:10agreements.
22:11And most individuals have expectations
22:14when they enter a relationship. They
22:16expect a person to text them in the
22:18morning first thing, text them at night
22:20or call them throughout the day or do uh
22:23birthdays in a certain way or take them
22:24out in a certain way or treat them a
22:26certain way. Whatever it be, there's no
22:28right or wrong, good or bad, but
22:29everyone has an expectation in
22:31relationships based on what they saw
22:33from their parents, what they liked,
22:35what they didn't like, what they heard
22:36from their friends, what they saw in
22:37movies, whatever it might be. We all
22:39have expectations.
22:40>> Support for this podcast is brought to
22:42you by Walden University. Ever think
22:45what if you could go after what you
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23:40Certified to operate by Chev.
23:44>> But unless we communicate those
23:45expectations and create agreements,
23:49everything's eventually going to be
23:50falling apart, or there's going to be
23:52more conflict than necessary. So,
23:55I said this early on. Let's go into
23:56therapy from the beginning.
23:58And most people are probably thinking
24:00that's crazy. Why enter a relationship
24:02in therapy? Well, when you go through as
24:03much pain and suffering as I had through
24:05multiple long-term relationships,
24:07I was like, I'd rather be single and
24:10just have peace, or I want to do my best
24:12to create agreements early in a
24:14relationship to minimize the stress
24:17because life is going to throw us
24:18challenges. I don't want to add on top
24:21of it dysfunctional, you know,
24:23communication or expectations on top of
24:25it in our relationship.
24:27And we did it for about a year and a
24:29half. And it was
24:32not always comfortable. It was
24:34addressing a lot of things that was
24:35uncomfortable to each of us, but it
24:37created so much
24:39clear communication and clear agreements
24:43when we had certain expectations that we
24:45hadn't communicated yet. I actually
24:48highly recommend it for all
24:49relationships to start with some type of
24:52either book that you read together where
24:55you create clarity around expectations
24:57or agreements.
24:59And maybe it's therapy or coach that you
25:01have in the beginning of a relationship,
25:03whatever it might be, something that you
25:04can work on together. It doesn't have to
25:06be therapy,
25:07but that's the the avenue and the tool
25:09that I thought would be best for us. And
25:11if you can do that, there's a book
25:12called Eight Dates. That's actually
25:14really powerful. We went through this
25:15book as well. That you go on eight dates
25:18to get together, and you talk about all
25:20the big challenges that most
25:21relationships and marriages have.
25:24And you workshop them together, and you
25:27come to agreements as well. So, it
25:28doesn't have to be therapy, you could do
25:30this book,
25:31you could do something else if you want
25:32to as well. But, I love the idea of
25:34doing this
25:35in the beginning of a business
25:37relationship, of an intimate
25:38relationship, is creating clarity around
25:41expectations.
25:43And when you can do that, I'm telling
25:45you, you can have a much healthier
25:47relationship. It doesn't guarantee it's
25:48perfect, but it's healthier. Or, you can
25:51say, "You know what?
25:53We actually have very different
25:54expectations that we can't come to
25:56agreements on, so maybe this isn't the
25:58right relationship for us to get into,
26:00whether be a business relationship or an
26:03intimate relationship." So, this week, I
26:05want you to try this. I want you to pick
26:07one person
26:09and one thing you've been wanting for
26:10them to do.
26:12Then, I want you to ask them for it.
26:15And I want you to start with these
26:16words,
26:17"Would you be willing to
26:19Would you be willing to text me when
26:21you're running late? Would you be
26:22willing to tell me when I do something
26:25that helps you?
26:26Would you be willing to
26:28or would you be willing to put our your
26:30phone away for one night a week?"
26:33Then comes the hard part. You have to
26:35let them say no.
26:37So, you might want something from them,
26:38but they may not want to give it to you.
26:40When you expect something, the other
26:42person doesn't get a choice. And then
26:44you get resentful, you get upset, you
26:46get mad, you get passive-aggressive, you
26:48get silent when they don't give you what
26:50you want.
26:51But, when you ask them, they do have a
26:53choice.
26:54And when people feel like they have a
26:56choice,
26:57they say yes a lot more often.
27:00And now, this next expectation is the
27:02one that I probably held on to the
27:04longest.
27:05And letting go of it is a big part of
27:07how I met my wife, Martha. Expectation
27:10number four,
27:12it has to show up the way I pictured it
27:15or I envisioned it.
27:17So, why do people walk
27:19right past
27:20the exact thing that they've been asking
27:22for?
27:24Because it didn't show up looking the
27:25way they pictured it.
27:28Now, you have a vision or a goal or a
27:30picture in your mind.
27:32Maybe it's the exact person, the exact
27:33job, the company,
27:35the exact city, the exact moment.
27:39And anything that doesn't match that
27:41picture, you say no.
27:44You say no to it without even thinking
27:46about it.
27:47The invitation you turned down because
27:49it didn't sound like your kind of thing
27:51or your your opportunity. The person you
27:53didn't go on a second date with because
27:55they just weren't your type.
27:57The job that paid less at first, but
27:59could have changed your whole life.
28:02And what you want and and how you expect
28:05it to show up are very
28:07different things.
28:09And life rarely gives it to you exactly
28:11the way you pictured it.
28:13Look back at your own life. Some of the
28:15best things that you have today are
28:17things you never would have picked up on
28:20on purpose.
28:22Now,
28:23when I met Martha,
28:24I was not looking
28:27to get into a relationship. I'd just
28:29gotten out of a relationship recently
28:30before that.
28:32And went through
28:34a year and a half of
28:36>> [snorts]
28:37>> let's just call pain, challenge,
28:38struggle.
28:40We were in therapy. It was frustrating.
28:42We weren't seeing eye to eye on
28:44essentially, it felt like everything we
28:46were completely opposites on. And we
28:49weren't able to find any mutual
28:51agreement. It was like one of the most
28:53challenging things for me
28:55because
28:56I didn't want to feel like I had to keep
28:58giving and giving in on things that
29:00weren't true to me.
29:02And the other person didn't want to give
29:04in at all that didn't feel true to them
29:07as well. I'm not saying either of us
29:08were right or wrong, good or bad. We
29:10just weren't able to find alignment.
29:13And that's why I said I I needed this
29:15from the beginning next time, not
29:17towards the end after a couple of years.
29:20And for me, that was my lesson. Like,
29:22let's have these conversations early
29:25before committing to each other to see
29:27if we're the right match. See if we have
29:28alignment of values, of expectations.
29:32Instead of jumping into something
29:33because it feels fun or exciting.
29:35I had this expectation. I was like,
29:37[snorts] I am I'm going to be single for
29:39a certain amount of time. I'm going to
29:41be single for the next couple of years,
29:43right? I'm just going to be
29:45I'm not going to
29:46get into any relationship and I'm just
29:48going to chill and do me. I'm going to
29:50be me, I'm going to do me. I'm not going
29:52to deal with any women, you know, I'm
29:54just going to do my thing, focus on my
29:55business, my health.
29:57All these things. Fortunately, you know,
30:00timing was different about that.
30:02And
30:03we met up.
30:06And I wasn't expecting anything. I was
30:08just like, oh, I'm curious about this
30:09person. She seems like she could be a
30:10fun person to hang out with. Let's just
30:12meet up. We were actually supposed to go
30:14salsa dancing. She didn't think I could
30:16salsa dance.
30:17And little did she know I'd been salsa
30:18dancing for almost 20 years at that
30:20point, so
30:21um we were going to go salsa dancing,
30:23but then
30:25actually we couldn't find a place, so we
30:26went to dinner.
30:28And right away, it's so funny because we
30:31both kind of had no expectations. We're
30:33like, oh, let's just hang out and just
30:34meet each other.
30:36And right away I could tell, uh shoot. I
30:39was kind of like, dang it. My
30:41expectation
30:42of wanting to be single for the next
30:44year or two,
30:46I might have to let that go. I was
30:48resisting it so much because I was
30:50resisting her in the beginning so much,
30:53but I was like, man, something about
30:55this just feels safe.
30:57And I've never felt safe in any
30:58relationship, but I was like, something
31:00about this feels safe.
31:03It feels like
31:04I can completely be myself without
31:06having to put on some type of persona or
31:09anything or like say the right things. I
31:11could just do and be myself, and I was
31:14fully being accepted without judgment. I
31:17was like, huh, that feels weird. I've
31:18never experienced this.
31:20And I was just like, crap.
31:22But I wasn't like, okay, I'm going to
31:24jump into this quickly or anything like
31:25that. I go, let's just, you know, hang
31:27out one night and then, okay, let's
31:28meet up again next week and let's keep
31:30hanging out. And I just said, I'm going
31:32to continue
31:34to be all of me
31:36and not worry about her accepting me or
31:38not. I'm going to continue to show up
31:40fully myself, unapologetic of everything
31:43of I am. I'm going to say the truth
31:45about every question she asks, even
31:47though I know she's not going to like
31:48the answers.
31:49And this is who I am. And if she doesn't
31:52like me, then okay, we're just friends.
31:54Are we not friends?
31:56I wasn't expecting to get into a
31:57relationship, and I wasn't expecting to
31:59not. I I was kind of expecting not to
32:00get in a relationship because of doing
32:02this. And the fact that she was so
32:04accepting
32:06and non-judgmental of who I was or my
32:09past or anything, I was like, huh,
32:11this feels different. And I didn't like
32:13it at first. I liked it, but I was like,
32:15dang it, I don't want to like this.
32:17And cuz I had this expectation to be
32:19single. And I just kept saying, I'm
32:20going to I'm going to say the things
32:22that I know are true to me, and I'm
32:24going to say the things that I want, and
32:26to say the things that most people don't
32:28want to hear.
32:29And the more I did that, the more
32:30accepting she was. And and I said, okay,
32:33this one's going to be the one.
32:35If she after a few months of dating and
32:37hanging out, I said, "Okay,
32:39I am not willing to get committed
32:42or with you exclusively committed
32:44unless we start the relationship in
32:46therapy."
32:47And I was thinking, this is the kicker.
32:49I'm going to finally push her away.
32:51She's going to finally say, "You're
32:52crazy. That's weird. I don't want to do
32:53that. That seems like too much work.
32:55We're just starting this relationship.
32:56Why are you putting this on us?"
32:58And right away she goes, "That sounds
32:59exciting." And I was just like, "What?
33:01Okay.
33:02All right, let's let's keep following
33:04the next step and see what happens
33:05then." And by doing that, it created
33:08more and more
33:10of a container of communication that
33:12felt safe and clear. Instead of
33:15me expecting her to understand me
33:18of my entire history of my life to who I
33:21was till now, all the dreams of my
33:22future that she was supposed to
33:24somehow magically understand me. Every
33:27gesture, every word I say, she was
33:29supposed to know how to respond.
33:31That's an expectation we put on people
33:33that is just not possible.
33:36And so in the beginning where we had
33:38these
33:39therapy sessions that created frameworks
33:41and structure around how to communicate
33:43with each other, what our fears were,
33:45what our concerns were, what we wanted,
33:47our desires.
33:49It allowed us to come together and
33:51align. And it was just a beautiful
33:54experience.
33:55So this week, I want you to try this. I
33:57want you to write down the thing you
33:59want most right now.
34:01And exactly how you picture it.
34:04Underneath that thing, I want you to
34:05write
34:06how you want to feel when you have it.
34:10So, you want to feel safe.
34:12You want to feel inspired. You want to
34:14feel free. You want to feel loved,
34:15respected, proud, whatever it is. Write
34:17it down.
34:19That feeling is what you're really
34:20after. You're after the feeling of
34:23security. You're after the feeling of
34:25inspiration, of respect, of pride, of
34:29freedom, of abundance.
34:31Now I want you to write down three other
34:33ways you could get that same feeling
34:36without the result that you're looking
34:38for in the next year or two.
34:40Then this week, I want you to say yes to
34:42one invitation you would normally say no
34:44to. So, whether it's a coffee, a
34:47meeting, an event, conversation with
34:49someone new, whatever it might be, I
34:50want you to say yes to it.
34:52And you don't need to know where it
34:53goes. You don't need to have an
34:54expectation.
34:56Just stop deciding it's going nowhere
34:59before you even show up. And at this
35:01point, you might be thinking, "Well, if
35:03I let go of all of these expectations,
35:05well, am I just settling, Lewis? Am I
35:07just settling for the scraps if I don't
35:09set an expectation?" Expectation is
35:12different than a standard. And that
35:14question is the fifth expectation. And
35:17it's the reason most people never let go
35:20of the other four. So, expectation
35:22number five,
35:23if I stop expecting it,
35:26I'll stop getting it.
35:29Why do you so many good things show up
35:31right after people stop chasing them?
35:34You've heard these stories from people.
35:36The person who deleted the dating apps
35:38and met someone at a friend's birthday
35:40the next week. The business owner who
35:43walked away from a deal, big deal, and
35:46got the call the next week for something
35:47better.
35:49It might sound like luck,
35:51but think about what changes in a person
35:53when they actually let go.
35:56They relax. So, people feel more
35:58comfortable around them in every setting
36:00of life, friends, family, relationships,
36:03career. They stop forcing things, so
36:06nobody feels pushed towards doing
36:08something for them. They start noticing
36:10what's right in front of them.
36:12And they make better decisions because
36:14they aren't desperate anymore.
36:16And when you let go of the expectation,
36:18it gets easier for good things to find
36:22you. And letting go doesn't mean you
36:24stop desiring or stop wanting something.
36:27It doesn't mean you stop working for it,
36:30or stop showing up for it.
36:32You still keep the dream alive. You keep
36:34doing the work. You keep showing up. You
36:36just stop demanding how it happens, when
36:39it happens, and who it comes from. And
36:42if the idea of relaxing about your goals
36:44makes you nervous,
36:45then this one is probably for you. So,
36:48this week I want you to try this. I want
36:50you to pick the goal that you're holding
36:52on to the tightest. Whatever that is.
36:53You might have a goal in mind you've
36:54been thinking about for years, and
36:56you're like, "Ah, I really want it to
36:58happen, and I want it to happen in this
36:59way, or I need this person to um do the
37:03deal with me, or I want to get on this
37:05show, or I want to do this thing, I want
37:06to this career." Whatever it might be.
37:09Pick the goal that you're holding on to
37:10the tightest.
37:12Think about
37:14the number you keep checking.
37:17Whether it be maybe like, I want to have
37:18a certain audience size. I want, you
37:20know, your followers aren't growing the
37:21certain way you want to. Maybe it's
37:23sales. I want to make a certain amount
37:25of money.
37:26Maybe it's the weight that you're trying
37:28to get to on the scale. Maybe it's your
37:31inbox. Whatever it might be. Think about
37:32the numbers. And for the next 7 days,
37:35only look at it once.
37:37Pick one day
37:40and one time, and stick to it.
37:42Every other day, ask yourself one
37:44question.
37:45Did I do my part today? Did I take the
37:48actions I said I would do today
37:50consistently to show up for these
37:52results that I'm looking for? Yes or no?
37:54Knowing your numbers still matters, but
37:57checking them every hour just makes the
37:59expectation stronger for you. Especially
38:01like your health goals. If you're
38:03checking every couple, you know, hours a
38:06day on the scale,
38:07it's going to make you anxious. It's
38:09going to make you nervous. It's going to
38:10make you expecting something.
38:12Instead of saying, "I'm just going to
38:13show up and do the game plan
38:16of the business goal, the health goal,
38:17the financial goal, whatever it is."
38:19And And going to notice at the end of
38:21the week that you feel a lot lighter.
38:25And notice what showed up while you
38:27weren't staring at the numbers. You
38:29didn't have to work on all five of these
38:31at once.
38:32You just pick one
38:34that hits you the hardest and you start
38:37there of these expectations.
38:39Because letting go of even one
38:41expectation can change how your whole
38:43life feels.
38:46And listen, uh this is probably
38:48something I've had to struggle with the
38:49most. I have big goals and I like things
38:51being done now. I like getting results
38:54now. I like having
38:56my goals done yesterday, all this. This
38:58is like, I guess the curse of being
39:01someone who's driven to want to achieve
39:03things.
39:04And I've had to really learn how to let
39:06go with that. You know, it's I was just
39:07with my team
39:09um
39:10doing a little break and we were talking
39:12about our goals for the business.
39:15And
39:17our goal is to reach a 100 million lives
39:18every single week.
39:20And maybe it was in 2018 when we hit 100
39:23million lives total
39:25over, I guess, five or six years of
39:27launching the podcast. We had reached
39:29100 million lives and impacted 100
39:31million lives total.
39:33And then we just said, "Okay, let's
39:34reach let's try to reach 100 million
39:35lives weekly."
39:37And since then, it's been eight years,
39:39we've never reached that goal of 100
39:41million lives in one week, impacting
39:44them. Now, boohoo and woe us, we've you
39:47know, impacted tens of millions weekly
39:49and this is an amazing thing as well.
39:51But we've never reached that goal. And
39:53for many years, I was very frustrated by
39:55it. I wanted it faster. It's been eight
39:56years now. Years ago, I wanted it
39:58faster.
40:00I was beating myself up constantly on
40:01how I couldn't figure this out or how we
40:03as a team couldn't figure this out.
40:05And I learned how to let that go a few
40:08years ago and just said, "No, we're
40:09going to let this go and we're going to
40:11show up and just do our best. What can I
40:13control right now? How can I be better
40:15on every episode? How can I continue to
40:17optimize our process?
40:19How can we continue to empower our
40:21people and make sure they have the tools
40:23necessary to succeed on their tasks and
40:26their roles as well.
40:28And over the last 6 months, those
40:30numbers continue to grow. And we still
40:32haven't reached the 100 million life
40:34a week goal.
40:36But I'm okay with it. It It doesn't
40:38stress me out anymore. Sure, I want it.
40:40It's something that I would love for all
40:42of us to accomplish because if we do it,
40:44we're able to impact more people in a
40:46positive way to improve the quality of
40:48their life.
40:49But attaching an expectation and a
40:51timeline that it needs to be now only
40:54causes more stress on me. And it's a
40:56made-up timeline, right? It's a made-up
40:58expectation.
41:00And if we don't do it, if I put all my
41:03value on accomplishing it or not,
41:05then it's not going to be a meaningful
41:07existence. It's going to feel like this
41:09was all for nothing.
41:11So, it's focusing on the good of what
41:13we're creating now and also what we're
41:16looking to gain and create in the
41:17future.
41:18And letting go of the expectation that
41:20needs to be now, that it needs to be
41:22done in a certain way,
41:24>> [snorts]
41:24>> is what is creates more peace and
41:26hopefully more creativity and and
41:28innovation to be able to get there.
41:31So, you're allowed to want big things.
41:34I'm all for it. Dream big. Go for it.
41:36This is This is life. Let's do this. So,
41:39you're allowed to to want big things. A
41:41love that feels like home, a business
41:43that gives you more freedom,
41:46a body and your health that you can feel
41:48proud of, a life that feels like it's
41:50yours on your terms.
41:52I'm telling you, want it all. Desire it
41:54all. This is great. Just stop demanding
41:56that it show up on your schedule.
41:59In the way that you exactly envisioned
42:02it or pictured it.
42:04From the exact person that you picked.
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43:13by selecting work mode. Available on
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43:17>> The School of Greatness is brought to
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44:25The love of my life showed up when I
44:26stopped trying to force it, literally.
44:28My wife showed up when I stopped trying
44:31to force it. And it's funny because
44:32she's she always says,
44:34"I wish I met you 10 years ago. I wish I
44:36met you when we were younger. I wish
44:38then we wouldn't have been through all
44:39these challenges and relationships. We
44:41would have had much more fun together.
44:42We'd be farther along than where we
44:44are."
44:45And I was like, "Well, listen, Martha,
44:47if I met you 10 years ago, I mean, it's
44:49funny because we used to both salsa
44:50dance at like the same clubs in LA 10
44:53years ago, 15 years ago.
44:55And she was like, "I wonder if we ever
44:56ran into each other. I wonder if we ever
44:58saw each other, were in the same place."
45:00And I go, "To be honest, I wouldn't have
45:02been ready emotionally. Like, even if I
45:04saw you,
45:06I probably would have messed it up. I
45:07wasn't ready for it.
45:09It's kind of like my mentor said, like
45:11money comes to you when you're ready for
45:13it.
45:14I think love comes to you when you're
45:15ready for it as well. Otherwise,
45:18sure, you might be in a relationship
45:19with them, you might have good times,
45:21but you might also have more struggle
45:22than necessary if you haven't learned
45:24the lessons yet about yourself. Or it
45:25just might be a learning experience in
45:27that relationship that causes more
45:29challenges. There's no right or wrong
45:31here.
45:31But I said, "Listen, I wouldn't have
45:33been ready for you
45:34emotionally.
45:36And I met you at the exact time that I
45:38needed to meet you,
45:40where I felt ready, where I felt like I
45:42could take on this type of love and
45:45relationship in a healthy way, where I
45:47could communicate to you and create
45:49boundaries with you instead of give in
45:51constantly, like I did in previous
45:53relationships. And for me, that's
45:54something that I needed to learn in
45:57order to be ready for this relationship
45:59at this season of life. Sure,
46:01if I had those skills 10 years earlier
46:03and we met,
46:04life could have been a lot more amazing.
46:06Who knows? But I wasn't ready for it.
46:08All these things will start showing up
46:11for you when you stop trying to force
46:12them.
46:13I think about how much longer I might
46:16have waited if I hadn't let go of
46:19certain expectations beforehand.
46:22So, I want you you right now to share
46:24with me in the comments which of these
46:26five expectations are you holding on to
46:28the tightest?
46:30I love to go through all the comments. I
46:31love to see from you what that is for
46:33you. So, again, leave the expectation
46:36that you hold on to the most in the
46:39comments below. I want you to keep
46:41wanting it. I want you to keep working
46:44for it.
46:45But I want you to let the rest of things
46:47go. Let these expectations go that are
46:50holding you back. You can still dream
46:52big. You can still desire big.
46:56But let go of the timeline. Let go of
46:58the expectation. Those are the invisible
47:01blocks that are holding you back
47:04from the energy you need
47:06to have creativity, inspiration, and
47:09freedom in your day-to-day life to
47:12attract those things faster. The moment
47:15you start to let go of expectations, it
47:17doesn't mean you let go of the work, you
47:19let go of the standard, you keep those
47:21things high, you keep them consistent.
47:24But the moment you let go of
47:25expectations and you just bring a joy
47:27and love to life, the faster those
47:29things will come for you.
47:31If you've joined this episode, please
47:33like it, leave a comment below as well,
47:35and subscribe to our channel. And I
47:37would remind you, if no one's told you
47:38lately that you are loved, you are
47:40worthy, and you matter. Today, I want to
47:42talk to you about something that I still
47:44[music] experience from time to time.
47:46And I also think a lot of people who are
47:48very ambitious experience this as well.
47:51You have something important in front of
47:53you. You have a big project, [music]
47:54a the
47:55that's important, a business that you
47:57want to start, some side hustle, or
47:59maybe like a big presentation that you
48:01have to give.

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