You’re SMART. So Why Are You STUCK? (4 Hidden Brakes) — Transcript

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1. 0:00The smartest thing a high-performer can
2. 0:02do
3. 0:05is to hit the brakes.
4. 0:09The best cars have powerful engines, but
5. 0:12they also have the best brakes to let
6. 0:14the drivers turn a corner without flying
7. 0:17off the track.
8. 0:21The problem is that for driven people,
9. 0:23slowing down feels like failing. But the
10. 0:26same smarts that make you capable can
11. 0:29also get you stuck.
12. 0:31Driven people suffer from the pressures
13. 0:34of perfectionism,
14. 0:36being overwhelmed, and this existential
15. 0:40loneliness.
16. 0:41Your instinct is usually to push harder.
17. 0:45But pushing harder makes it even worse.
18. 0:48What happens when your car is stuck in
19. 0:51the mud? You hit the gas,
20. 0:53the tires spin, and you dig deeper.
21. 0:57I've seen this over and over again at
22. 0:59MIT, on Wall Street, in boardrooms at
23. 1:03companies worth billions.
24. 1:05So today, we will build four essential
25. 1:09mental brakes that stop your greatest
26. 1:11strengths from turning against you. And
27. 1:14the fourth is the hardest one for most
28. 1:16people to apply, but that's the one that
29. 1:19might matter the most.
30. 1:23Let's go to the first brake. Being good
31. 1:25at thinking also mean you're very good
32. 1:28at overthinking. Overthinking is a loop
33. 1:31with no new input. The same thoughts go
34. 1:34on and on and on in circles, getting
35. 1:36louder with every cycle, and you don't
36. 1:39get anywhere. Overthinking solves
37. 1:41nothing. You can't think your way to
38. 1:44information you don't have.
39. 1:47You end up spending 3 hours analyzing a
40. 1:51text message. Those dreadful three dots,
41. 1:54you You they appear, then they
42. 1:57disappear, and they appear again.
43. 2:01Then silence.
44. 2:02You replay and you reinterpret what they
45. 2:05said at dinner. You obsess over patterns
46. 2:08that may not exist. Imagining what
47. 2:12someone else thinks about you doesn't
48. 2:14make it accurate. Mind reading
49. 2:16is a terrible, terrible relationship
50. 2:19strategy. The less information you have,
51. 2:22the more stories your brain creates.
52. 2:25When information is missing, your inner
53. 2:28critic is happy to fill in the gaps.
54. 2:31In a 2018 study, psychologist Erica
55. 2:35Boothby found that after a conversation,
56. 2:38people consistently underestimate how
57. 2:41much the other person liked them. No
58. 2:44amount of intelligence can manufacture
59. 2:47missing data. One honest, open
60. 2:50conversation can produce more useful
61. 2:53information
62. 2:55and deeper connection than endless hours
63. 2:58of overthinking. So, when you catch
64. 3:00yourself circling, overtest your
65. 3:03assumption.
66. 3:05First, ask
67. 3:06"What am I assuming?" What am I assuming
68. 3:09about this person, about this situation?
69. 3:11Second,
70. 3:13"What evidence will change my mind?"
71. 3:16That's a very important question. And
72. 3:18third, what is the smallest, honest way
73. 3:21to get to that evidence? Sometimes the
74. 3:24test is just four golden words,
75. 3:27"What did you mean?"
76. 3:29Or "Can you tell me more?" Now, there's
77. 3:31one caveat.
78. 3:33Overtest doesn't mean keep testing
79. 3:35forever. Your goal is to not arrive at
80. 3:39100% certainty. You'll never get there.
81. 3:43I apply the 70% rule. Most decisions
82. 3:46should be made when you have about 70%
83. 3:49of the information you need. If you wait
84. 3:51for 90 or 95% you're probably moving too
85. 3:54slowly.
86. 3:56At some point you have to stop asking
87. 3:59your brain for an answer it doesn't
88. 4:01have.
89. 4:02Now let's go to the second break. For
90. 4:04those of us who are feeling
91. 4:06overcommitted, the strange reward for
92. 4:09being dependable
93. 4:11is that you have to carry more. People
94. 4:13keep asking you for more because you
95. 4:16make it seem so easy. Think about the
96. 4:18person in your family who keeps
97. 4:20everything moving. In mine
98. 4:22it's my wife.
99. 4:24School events, appointments, shopping,
100. 4:27there is no day off and she's also an
101. 4:30oncologist taking care of cancer
102. 4:32patients. She deals with life and death
103. 4:34issues at work.
104. 4:36People with high self-control reported
105. 4:39feeling more burdened by how much their
106. 4:41co-workers and partners relied on them.
107. 4:45In one study participants were given two
108. 4:49co-workers.
109. 4:50One was highly disciplined or at least
110. 4:52they were told that. The other less so.
111. 4:55Then the participants were asked to hand
112. 4:57out work to either one of them. Who
113. 4:59would you give the extra task to? They
114. 5:01gave more of it to the disciplined one
115. 5:04of course. And and that part is not
116. 5:06surprising.
117. 5:07What came next was interesting. The
118. 5:10participants believed the disciplined
119. 5:12co-worker spent less effort getting the
120. 5:14work done.
121. 5:16The more capable you look the more
122. 5:18invisible your efforts become.
123. 5:21And you know, I've made the same mistake
124. 5:24myself. When I was a CEO
125. 5:27we were very lucky. We were one of the
126. 5:28fastest growing companies in the US. I
127. 5:31would constantly tell myself, "Oh, it'll
128. 5:33be faster if I just do this myself and
129. 5:37oh, I'll just sleep on the plane."
130. 5:39But the cost of your commitments can
131. 5:42stay invisible even to you. So what What
132. 5:45you do when you feel over-committed? You
133. 5:47can overprice your yes. Make it rare.
134. 5:51For every meaningful commitment, ask
135. 5:54three questions. What are the benefits
136. 5:57and who gets them?
137. 5:58What are the costs and who pays them?
138. 6:01These two questions help you triage. If
139. 6:03it helps everyone, keep it.
140. 6:06If it helps you and costs others,
141. 6:09fix it. If it's helping no one, get rid
142. 6:12of it.
143. 6:13But the dangerous one is when it
144. 6:16benefits others and you keep paying the
145. 6:18costs. That's where the third question
146. 6:21comes in handy. Is this a gift
147. 6:24or tax? A gift can cost you enormously
148. 6:28and it might still be worth giving.
149. 6:31Caring for your children, giving your
150. 6:32attention to your friend, those are
151. 6:34gifts you can give willingly.
152. 6:36Taxes on the other hand are the
153. 6:38commitments that are assumed, recurring,
154. 6:42and hard to renegotiate out of.
155. 6:45Somewhere along the way, you stop
156. 6:47choosing it.
157. 6:49That's where you increase the price of
158. 6:51your yes.
159. 6:53At work, you can say, "Sure,
160. 6:55I can take this on.
161. 6:57What comes off of my plate?"
162. 6:59With your friends, you can say, "Yeah,
163. 7:01I'll hold the book club if the rest of
164. 7:04you can handle the food."
165. 7:06You will keep carrying things for people
166. 7:09you love because some things in life
167. 7:11aren't transactions.
168. 7:13But for everything else, name your price
169. 7:17before you say yes. Now comes the third
170. 7:19break. For those of us who suffer from
171. 7:21what I like to call perfectionitis, you
172. 7:24may tell yourself you are a
173. 7:25perfectionist, but all you have is a
174. 7:28finish line that keeps moving. If done
175. 7:31means there's nothing left to improve,
176. 7:33you'll never get there.
177. 7:36But the version that you think isn't
178. 7:37good enough might be the version that
179. 7:39wins. A friend of mine is a gifted
180. 7:42musician, a phenomenal singer.
181. 7:45>> [music]
182. 7:45>> For years she sang in other people's
183. 7:47bands, traveled the world, and she never
184. 7:50thought of herself as a songwriter. Then
185. 7:54her son turned five. So she wrote an
186. 7:57entire album of children's songs
187. 8:00for him. And when it was finished, she
188. 8:03wasn't happy with it. It was like, "Ah,
189. 8:05these are simple songs."
190. 8:07>> [music]
191. 8:07>> But then
192. 8:08she took a random chance and submitted
193. 8:11it to the Grammys.
194. 8:14And that year, not only was she
195. 8:16nominated, she won the Grammy. It
196. 8:20completely changed her life.
197. 8:22And I always think about that story. If
198. 8:24you keep over-polishing, you'll never
199. 8:27put your work out in the world. It makes
200. 8:30completion
201. 8:31emotionally
202. 8:33impossible. A lot of what we think is
203. 8:36over-polishing is actually the fear of
204. 8:38rejection. I have it. For this channel,
205. 8:42I research and write everything you see,
206. 8:45everything you hear.
207. 8:46And when I sit down to think about the
208. 8:49next topic, which is every week, it
209. 8:51nearly breaks me every single time
210. 8:56because I am convinced that I have
211. 8:58finally run out of ideas. And I sit at
212. 9:02my desk or go for a long walk convinced
213. 9:07that this is the week where it all comes
214. 9:10crashing down.
215. 9:11Goodbye YouTube, you know.
216. 9:14Then I remind myself that
217. 9:17all I have to do is to show up every
218. 9:19week.
219. 9:20So I just start writing something. Maybe
220. 9:24it's a bad idea. Maybe it's a terrible
221. 9:27first draft.
222. 9:29And I keep tinkering.
223. 9:31And every week, slowly but surely, that
224. 9:35little opening at the end of the tunnel,
225. 9:37it starts showing up.
226. 9:39And when I'm done with that video,
227. 9:41regardless of whether viewers like you
228. 9:45will receive it with love or not,
229. 9:48I only have one job to do come Monday
230. 9:51morning.
231. 9:53Focus on shipping the next video. When
232. 9:56you want to over-polish,
233. 9:58try to over-ship. Tech companies call it
234. 10:01MVP, minimum viable product, the
235. 10:04smallest version that works in real
236. 10:07hands, so the next one can get better.
237. 10:10You will always see something to
238. 10:12improve.
239. 10:13That doesn't mean that you're not
240. 10:15finished.
241. 10:16And by the way, if you like these
242. 10:18videos, I think you'll like my
243. 10:19newsletter, too. I love writing it, one
244. 10:23insight, one tool, one practice, every
245. 10:26Tuesday. The link is below. It's totally
246. 10:28free. And now, the fourth break, because
247. 10:32if you are an over-committed
248. 10:34over-thinker who is an over-polisher,
249. 10:38it is very likely
250. 10:40that you are also feeling completely
251. 10:41alone.
252. 10:44I do sometimes.
253. 10:45And that's why our last break is
254. 10:48over-ask.
255. 10:50The more capable you become, the easier
256. 10:53it is for people to assume you're fine.
257. 10:56People can care about you deeply and
258. 10:58still have no idea what you need.
259. 11:01This is the most dangerous loop.
260. 11:03You look fine and self-sustainable, so
261. 11:06nobody asks you if you're okay. So, you
262. 11:09decide to handle it all, and that makes
263. 11:12them believe that they should just leave
264. 11:14you alone, so they do,
265. 11:16and the spiral leaves you disconnected,
266. 11:20lonely, living a life only in your head.
267. 11:23I was having coffee in New York City
268. 11:25with a 28-year-old marketing manager,
269. 11:28and she told me she was worried that her
270. 11:30boss thought she was an underperformer
271. 11:33and she was planning on borrowing money
272. 11:35to go to business school and I asked
273. 11:37her, "How much of this are you actually
274. 11:41sure about?"
275. 11:42And she said she was sure about almost
276. 11:44none of it. She was afraid to ask
277. 11:47because she didn't want to hear the
278. 11:48answer.
279. 11:50And she was just all alone fighting her
280. 11:53own battles in her own head.
281. 11:55So, we literally practice that
282. 11:57conversation at Starbucks for an hour.
283. 12:00So, the next week she found the courage
284. 12:02and finally had that conversation with
285. 12:04her boss.
286. 12:06Now, there were some minor concerns
287. 12:08about her performance, but they loved
288. 12:10the way she was such a great culture
289. 12:12fit. There was no plan of firing her.
290. 12:15The conversation instead digressed into
291. 12:18what kind of training she should get
292. 12:20that the company would pay for. So, now
293. 12:22she can keep her job, she's not getting
294. 12:25fired, and can pursue her MBA all at the
295. 12:28same time.
296. 12:29All you have to do
297. 12:31is ask for help. Nobody can help with
298. 12:34something they can't see. Researchers at
299. 12:37University of Chicago found that people
300. 12:39who needed help guessed that others
301. 12:42won't give it
302. 12:44or that it would be a burden.
303. 12:46They were wrong on both counts.
304. 12:49According to that study, people say yes
305. 12:52more often than you think.
306. 12:54[clears throat]
307. 12:54So, ask sooner, ask more often, ask
308. 12:59before it feels comfortable, ask before
309. 13:01you're drowning. One thing I've learned
310. 13:04is better to ask for something specific.
311. 13:06Can you look at this for 10 minutes or
312. 13:10"I've been feeling alone and cut off
313. 13:13lately. Could we take a walk in the city
314. 13:15next weekend? I'd love that."
315. 13:18And this is the final point. Give them
316. 13:21the permission to say no. That's okay.
317. 13:24Shrug it off. Ask someone else.
318. 13:27And if they help,
319. 13:29tell them afterwards what their help
320. 13:31meant.
321. 13:32That's how asking becomes a
322. 13:34relationship.
323. 13:36Remember that question about gift versus
324. 13:38tax?
325. 13:40You're capable, right? So, you've spent
326. 13:42years giving gifts to everyone around
327. 13:45you.
328. 13:47When you ask your guides and your
329. 13:49partners
330. 13:50for help, remember
331. 13:53they're equally eager to give you that
332. 13:55same gift.
333. 13:57You know, the tallest trees on Earth are
334. 13:59coast redwoods. Some rise more than 300
335. 14:03ft into the air,
336. 14:06but their roots don't go nearly as deep
337. 14:09as you might imagine.
338. 14:12They spread outward
339. 14:14and wrap around the roots of the trees
340. 14:17next to them.
341. 14:19The tallest trees in the world don't
342. 14:21stand alone.
343. 14:23You don't have to, either.
344. 14:25Let someone in.
345. 14:28Don't make the people who love you
346. 14:32guess how to love you.
347. 14:34Thank you.
348. 14:36And I love you.