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You Don't Need a Lifetime of Therapy, Watch This Instead — Transcript

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0:00The quality of your life's based on the
0:01quality of the questions you ask.
0:03The questions you ask make you conscious
0:05of what you've been unconscious of.
0:08So, it helps you expand awareness.
0:12You We run our illusions till we're
0:14ready for the truth.
0:15The truth kind of sets us free from the
0:17stories.
0:18Today, I'm sitting down with Dr. John
0:20Demartini. He's a world-renowned author,
0:23coach, speaker, and somebody you going
0:25to want to listen to. We use the stories
0:27because of all the moral hypocrisies we
0:29get indoctrinated about how people are
0:30supposed to be instead of seeing how
0:33magnificent they are in the journey.
0:36What you're about to watch is a live
0:38in-person [music]
0:39coaching session, and it gets really
0:40uncomfortable, but we have major
0:42breakthroughs. Just know that any of the
0:44stories that you've had in your [music]
0:45life I I went through this, I had this,
0:47and I was I challenged childhood, and
0:49all that stuff. It's all [ __ ] It's
0:51your perceptions, decisions, and actions
0:53on how to interpret it. You can be a
0:55victim of history or a master of
0:56destiny, and it all depends on your
0:57perception.
0:59Out of respect for the individuals who
1:01participate in the conversation cuz it
1:02got really raw and real, we've elected
1:05to blur out their faces to protect their
1:08identity.
1:11This story begins um a little over a
1:14year ago, probably 2 years ago. I'm
1:15having dinner with a couple of friends,
1:16new friends, Tim Francis and a guy named
1:18Rohan. And they're both telling me about
1:20this remarkable person, separate
1:22stories, and I don't know the names of
1:23anybody just yet except for I know what
1:26Tim said to me, which is, "If you could
1:27attend one workshop in your life, just
1:29one, this is the one that you have to
1:31meet this man. He has incredible way of
1:33helping people through
1:34some very tough, challenging, traumatic
1:36things in their lives." And I was really
1:38intrigued. And then, the other story was
1:40the gentleman across the table from me,
1:42his his name is Rohan, and he was
1:43telling me about how he had in the last
1:45couple years gone through some really
1:46traumatic stuff. His father had died,
1:48his business partner stole money from
1:50him and stole the business, and then
1:52Meta Facebook canceled his accounts,
1:54which he had uh close to a million
1:56followers. He he devastated.
1:58And he was having a hard time, and he
1:59called his coach. And he was telling
2:00this whole story. I'm like, "This is
2:01remarkable. This is incredible."
2:03Tim Francis just texted me. He says, "Do
2:05you know Rohan? When you sent me that
2:07story, do you know who his coach was?"
2:08I'm like, "I don't know. I have no idea
2:09who his coach could be."
2:11He said, "Dr. John Demartini."
2:13Small world. So, he's helped a lot of
2:16people through lots of things. He has
2:17something called the Demartini method,
2:19obviously, and it helps people through
2:22some of their toughest roadblocks. And
2:23I'm hoping, rather than just me
2:25extending the interview, is that first
2:27we can just describe it, so everybody
2:29here knows what's going on. And if
2:30there's somebody who has something
2:32they'd like help with for for Dr.
2:35Demartini to demonstrate, and we can
2:36work on it together, and see, hopefully,
2:39just the genius behind all of this. And
2:40I just want to be a student here and
2:42listen and learn.
2:43The quality of your life's based on the
2:45quality of the questions you ask.
2:48The questions you ask make you conscious
2:50of what you've been unconscious of.
2:53So, it helps you expand awareness.
2:56And the method, which I've been working
2:58on for 52 years,
3:00um
3:02is a series of very concise questions
3:06that help
3:08you discover the hidden order in the
3:09apparent chaos,
3:12the disorder.
3:14Claude Shannon
3:15in information theory
3:18basically said that information that's
3:20missing
3:21is entropic and represents disorder.
3:25And if you reclaim the information, you
3:27can find the hidden order in things and
3:28why things are occurring, the meaning
3:30behind it.
3:32So, it's a very series of concise
3:34questions to help navigate people from
3:38emotional distractions to
3:41poise and presence.
3:43So, they can be grateful for their life
3:45instead of
3:46comparing it to an unrealistic
3:48expectation that they projected.
3:52And um
3:53I've been blessed to um use that
3:56and develop that for many years.
3:59And um
4:00we've helped people in all different
4:02types of situations.
4:04I make a statement that there's nothing
4:06your mortal body can experience that
4:07your mortal soul can't love.
4:10So, it doesn't matter what you've been
4:12through, what you've gone through, what
4:13you've experienced. It's your
4:15perceptions, decisions, and actions on
4:17how to interpret it. You can be a victim
4:19of history or master of destiny. It all
4:20depends on your perception.
4:23William James said the greatest
4:24discovery of his generation is that
4:25human beings can alter their lives by
4:27altering their perceptions and attitudes
4:28of mind.
4:29So, this is a science
4:32a reproducible science
4:34that I've trained
4:35probably
4:37probably 8,000 people in using and
4:39they're using it around the world um to
4:41assist people in navigating through
4:44the apparent chaos
4:46so they can look at life on the way, not
4:48in the way.
4:50Okay, you guys get that?
4:52Every word is a lot to unpack here, and
4:55that's how I felt last time when we were
4:57having our conversation. Just be quiet
4:59and listen and stay silent for as long
5:02as you can.
5:02>> Somebody said listening to you is like
5:04drinking from a fire hydrant.
5:05>> [laughter]
5:07>> So, how do we do this in the time that
5:10we have together cuz I know you have a
5:11hard out. To be mindful of that. Is how
5:14do we do this so we can get a taste of
5:15how this process works cuz I think
5:18I'm 100% bought in on this idea of the
5:20quality of questions you ask determines
5:21the quality of your life. When you start
5:22to ask questions, you start to look
5:24inward and understand like why you can
5:27overcome these things and the perception
5:29of what has happened to you can
5:30drastically alter your destiny or where
5:32you end up. How do we do this cuz I just
5:35want to give you your space. You do your
5:36thing and I just want to sit here and
5:38only chime in when necessary. That's
5:39great. Well, usually we start with
5:41somebody that's got something they want
5:43to work on. Okay.
5:45Um sometimes I'm in a conference and
5:47I'll ask people does anybody have
5:49anything that they want to work on?
5:51Um,
5:52challenges, conflicts,
5:55resentments, angers, grief, or anything,
5:57whatever it is that they have.
5:59And um,
6:01whatever area of life that they want.
6:03And then we usually people vote based on
6:05who has the most intriguing information
6:08issue that they want to work on and we
6:09go there. We start there. And I I think
6:12there is something about the risk of
6:15being vulnerable if you want to get a
6:16reward. I remember many years ago when I
6:19was talking to my business coach about
6:20seeing a therapist, he said, "If you're
6:21not going to tell the truth, don't even
6:22bother. Don't even bother." And so I
6:25went in there with the mindset like if I
6:26hold back, I'm only holding back for
6:28myself. So we can start with any kind of
6:30challenge, roadblock,
6:32uh, anything traumatic, a frustration,
6:34something that you've
6:36been trying to work through but haven't
6:37been able to. And we'll pass you the
6:39mic. I think the mic mic is working this
6:40time. Does anybody want to start?
6:42>> And and by the way, depending on what
6:44that is,
6:46sometimes I'm not using the Demartini
6:48method to help solve it. So depends on
6:50what it is. If it's if it's a conflict,
6:53if a resentment, or an infatuation,
6:56or a loss, or something like that, I may
6:58use the method. Other times I may use my
7:01work with the value applications. So if
7:03people are frustrated in their job, that
7:05may be a slightly different approach. I
7:07may do a combination.
7:08>> Okay, perfect. I'm glad you said that in
7:10case it goes whatever direction it goes.
7:12Yeah, depends on what they bring up.
7:13>> So what we're doing is in case that
7:14you're just joining us, we want you to
7:16volunteer anything that you need help
7:17with and then we'll we'll just quickly
7:19vote on like who we'd like to who has
7:21the most intriguing problem for Dr.
7:23Demartini put his brain on.
7:30Whenever there are multiple
7:33stories, narratives, I try to prioritize
7:37it.
7:38So narrow it down. We'll do
7:41I can't not going to do them all. We're
7:43going to narrow down what is the highest
7:44priority
7:46issue out of all of those things that
7:48you narrowed?
7:49What is the highest priority issue that
7:51you want to address? The
7:53The
7:55the fear of being someone's going to
7:58come at me if I if if I shine too
8:01bright.
8:03Okay. When you say coming at me, what is
8:05that
8:06mean to you?
8:08What does that conjure up? By the way,
8:09you can never have fear of the unknown.
8:13You can only have fear of the content
8:15your mind is imagining. Mhm.
8:17So, what is it your mind imagining when
8:19you have that confronting you?
8:21>> Oh. Um
8:24that someone is going to
8:27defame me, is going to
8:31um undermine me, go out of their way to
8:34destroy what I've built. It's It's
8:36already happened.
8:38Okay. And out of all the ones that have
8:40happened that this is reminding you of,
8:42cuz the future is anticipated, but the
8:45things that are real that you've
8:46experienced, which one of those is the
8:49highest priority thing that you remember
8:51that was the most painful?
8:52Um
8:54I had a friend who was Well, there's
8:56many, but the most The one that was
8:59really devastating is a friend of mine
9:01was jealous of my success, so she
9:03undermined my marriage and then
9:05>> What specifically did she do? Cuz
9:07undermining marriage is vague. What did
9:09she do that you projected she undermined
9:12my marriage?
9:15She betrayed a confidence. I wasn't
9:19ready to tell my husband something, and
9:21she
9:22>> So, something you shared with her,
9:24>> Yes. she shared with your husband, Yes.
9:26which you felt started to undermine the
9:29dynamic.
9:29>> Yes. Okay. Even though you were
9:31obviously sharing with her, there was
9:33some things in the dynamic that were
9:35concerning anyway. Yes. So, she was
9:37revealing something you unconsciously
9:39desired.
9:43I was
9:44You wouldn't have said it to her.
9:46Okay, I'm going to I'm going to be so so
9:48transparent. I had an affair
9:50and I felt really bad about it and I
9:54I was I was talking to her about how I
9:57should go about, you know, telling my
9:59husband and because she was jealous of
10:03the relationship
10:05and she had tried to She wanted him. She
10:09No, she tried to seduce the person I had
10:11the affair with and because she was
10:13rejected
10:14she um wanted to bring you down. Yes.
10:18Right. And she did it publicly very
10:20publicly.
10:21>> name is Ah, Deborah. Deborah. Mhm. Okay,
10:24so now I'm going to start
10:27Here goes the method. Thanks for doing
10:28this by the way.
10:29Um
10:30let's take Deborah as the individual
10:32we're going to do the work on
10:34cuz I can just do so much in such a
10:36short
10:36>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:38What specific trait
10:40action or inaction
10:43do you perceive Deborah did
10:46that you disliked and despised and
10:48resented most? Let's narrow it down so
10:51it's not a narrative, it's a specific
10:52act that she did that you judged.
10:57She literally said to me, "It's not fair
11:00that you have the life that you have and
11:02I don't have what you have."
11:05So
11:06that didn't you made a claim that it had
11:08undermined your marriage. So, that by
11:11itself would not undermine your
11:12marriage.
11:13>> No. So, what did
11:15Are you upset because of that or you
11:16upset because of what she said to your
11:18husband? She told him that I was
11:21>> So, which one is the one you're
11:22resenting?
11:23Probably that one that she told him.
11:26Okay, then let's get to that. Okay. Cuz
11:28otherwise you're just
11:29doing narrative. People love to share
11:31their narratives, but
11:33>> [laughter]
11:33>> narratives don't get you anywhere. Mhm.
11:36Really. Even though therapists like you
11:37to think so, they're slow. I'm not
11:40interested I'm interested in narrowing
11:41down what the issue is. So, what
11:43specific did you actually perceive her
11:46or was it hearsay that she told your
11:48husband?
11:50He told me she told him. So, it's
11:52hearsay.
11:55Somebody told you that she told him.
11:57Yeah.
11:58But you didn't actually perceive it.
12:02When you say perceive it, what do you
12:03mean?
12:04>> actually see her do this.
12:05>> No, no, no, no, no. No. So, we don't
12:07even know for a fact other than what
12:09your husband said that that's what
12:11happened.
12:12Okay. So, your husband claimed that she
12:16said the story, which is evidence,
12:20but you never saw her do it. I never saw
12:22her specifically or heard her do it. No.
12:24So, you did not have anger at her until
12:27you found out that she
12:29he made a statement.
12:31Yes, and other people, but yes. Mhm. So,
12:34other people told you that she had said
12:36that. Other people told me that she had
12:38bragged to them that this is what she
12:40was going to do and then, yeah. Okay.
12:42So, are you upset with the idea that she
12:44bragged about what she was going to do,
12:46the idea that your husband stated that
12:49she said it?
12:51I think it was the
12:53that she was she was bragging about
12:55publicly taking me down.
12:57Okay.
12:59So,
13:00your the the highest priority thing that
13:02you judged in her was that she bragged
13:05about taking you down
13:08and
13:09we have hearsay that she confronted and
13:11told your husband. Correct. Okay.
13:14Let's work with that one for a second.
13:16Cuz
13:17sometimes we have
13:19a convoluted series of things and we
13:21have to kind of narrow down what the
13:23issue is. I love your questions.
13:25>> And sometimes it's it's uh hearsay. Mhm.
13:28And I don't like working with hearsay. I
13:30like working with something factual that
13:31you perceive, so we have something
13:33tangible.
13:35Now, the roughest part.
13:38There's a quote in Romans 2:1 from the
13:40New Testament that whatever we judge in
13:43others
13:45we're doing the same thing. Interesting.
13:48So, let's define what she did again. She
13:50bragged about taking you down
13:52and then told your husband.
13:55Mhm. Told somebody that that
13:57something you didn't want her to tell.
14:00So, now let's go to a moment in your
14:02life
14:03where you bragged about taking somebody
14:06down and told somebody exactly what
14:08you're seeing in her.
14:11Find out where it is. Now, I've done
14:12this on
14:15about 150,000 people.
14:17And every time people say, "I can't
14:19think of any. I don't know. I don't
14:21know." None of that works with me. We're
14:23going to be accountable here in order to
14:24get a result. So, let's not think of
14:27where we I don't know. I can't remember.
14:29No, I can't remember.
14:30>> Find out where we've done it cuz we only
14:31judge people on the outside
14:32>> Mhm. that we resent Mhm.
14:35>> for representations of parts of
14:36ourselves that we're ashamed of in
14:37ourself. That we don't want to look at.
14:39Yeah. So, let's go. Go to a moment where
14:41and when you perceive yourself
14:44displaying or demonstrating the same
14:46behavior where you
14:48bragged about taking somebody down and
14:50negating them
14:51and because of jealousy and you actually
14:55told somebody to try to undermine them.
15:01The The earliest one I can think of and
15:02the only one I can think of is is my
15:04mother. Okay. And it's the same
15:07behavior?
15:09It's got to be the same action.
15:10I did it I took her down publicly. Okay.
15:14Because the only reason somebody's drawn
15:16into your life is because we have a
15:18shame inside, we dissociate from it, we
15:20get proud, try to
15:22judge other people for what we're
15:23actually hiding inside and we don't want
15:25to face that we've done that and we're
15:27still carrying a hurt and a shame about
15:30doing that to the mom. Yeah.
15:32So, and you said what about your mom
15:36publicly that undermined and got back to
15:38her?
15:39I don't remember what I said
15:40specifically. It was just there was a
15:42group of people and I was saying
15:43>> shame without the memory of it.
15:46I was just making fun of her.
15:48About?
15:50Um
15:51I don't remember
15:53what I said.
15:56What did she do that you wanted to make
15:57shame of her?
16:00Or not do?
16:02Did she make she made a mistake.
16:05Of?
16:09Probably a lie she told.
16:11Okay, so she made a lie in your mind
16:14and you didn't like the repercussions of
16:16that and you were trying to bring her
16:17down and humble her.
16:19>> Yeah. Okay, cuz So, go to the moment
16:20when you did that. Mhm. You there? Mhm.
16:23When you actually said the thing? Mhm.
16:26Okay, where were you at that moment? I
16:28was in Chicago in our apartment and
16:31there was a group of people and a man
16:33told me to stop.
16:35Okay, and when?
16:38When was this?
16:39I was probably about
16:4220 years old, 19 20. Okay, the reason
16:45I'm asking those is
16:47uh the amygdala, which is a subcortical
16:49nucleus in the brain, assigned valency
16:53to stimuli and experiences that we have.
16:56And it signs valency to the hippocampus,
16:59which is a seahorse-shaped structure,
17:02and it is the source or storage place of
17:05episodic memories that have a time,
17:06place, uh direction, a location and a
17:09distance. So, if I narrow it down, I go
17:12into the hippocampus and I access that
17:14memory.
17:15And
17:16>> [clears throat]
17:16>> and that's where we're storing shame or
17:18we're storing our own stuff.
17:22So, you're there at that moment.
17:24And who specifically did you tell?
17:28There about four people there.
17:30>> then and these
17:32>> entertaining them with the story. Okay.
17:34And did your mom know any of these
17:36people?
17:37Yes. So, then you you said things behind
17:40her back.
17:41>> No, in front of her. In front of her.
17:43Okay. That she felt humbled by.
17:46And you kind of did that because she had
17:48lied and so you did it as kind of a
17:50payback. Payback.
17:52Okay. So, in that moment, can you see
17:54you did the same thing as this lady did?
17:56Yes. Right.
17:58Now, uh
17:59and they all perceived you did this and
18:01your mom.
18:02Yeah. Okay.
18:04Great.
18:05Go to the next moment.
18:08Where and when you've done the same
18:09behavior again. Oh.
18:13This is icky.
18:16Um
18:18I was working.
18:20I was I don't want to say where. Uh but
18:23I was working in a corporate situation.
18:25And
18:28somebody had
18:32um
18:33sexually harassed me.
18:36And
18:37there was this opportunity for me to
18:41um
18:42>> disclose.
18:43No. No. Actually, no. Um I did disclose
18:48it to my boss. I went through the proper
18:50channels. And then when this guy got
18:52promoted, he demoted me.
18:55So, um there was new management that
18:57came in.
18:59And
19:00>> need the story. I just need the moment.
19:01>> I'm sharing just trying to People like
19:03to want to run their stories as a
19:04dodging mechanism. I just want the
19:06answer I asked.
19:07Go to the moment where and when you did
19:09it again. And where did you do exactly
19:12that?
19:13Try to bring somebody down and say
19:14something to somebody
19:17to try to undermine them.
19:19Somebody that could get back and affect
19:21their life.
19:23I guess it was this situation where he
19:25was being berated by our boss and I I
19:30took glee in that.
19:33So, that's not the act of the question
19:35I'm asking. Where did you do what this
19:38lady had done to you?
19:41Said things behind to somebody
19:44and tried to bring you down.
19:46Where did you do that? You tried to
19:48bring him down?
19:51No, I was just somebody else did, but I
19:53was I I talked about how he had it
19:56coming. So, I don't know if that's the
19:58same thing.
19:58>> did you say that to?
20:00My team.
20:02So, you spoke to the team and kind of
20:05let them know some of these things as a
20:07way of kind of diminishing him.
20:09>> Mhm. And these are people that knew him.
20:11Yes. Or knew of him.
20:13>> Yes.
20:14So, in that case did you do the same
20:16thing that lady did in that moment?
20:19It's not exactly the same. Well, yes, I
20:22did. I took glee in some somebody
20:24>> somebody down and to go behind and say
20:26things about them.
20:27>> Yes. So, is that the same?
20:30I think so. Maybe not the same
20:32magnitude, but the same.
20:33>> it's not yeah.
20:34>> Great, that's number two. Go to number
20:36three.
20:37>> [laughter]
20:38>> Um
20:39When you're when you're owning
20:41reflections, this is called reflective
20:43awareness and transparency. We usually
20:46go all the way for till 20 examples are
20:48done until there's an absolute certainty
20:51that what you perceive in them you have.
20:54But as long as you're too proud to admit
20:56what you see in them,
20:57uh you're going to self-righteously
20:59project your values onto them and
21:00condemn them and hide your own shame and
21:03cover it up with a pride. And the
21:05amygdala likes to hold on to pride and
21:07hold on to fantasies about how people
21:08are supposed to live in our values. So,
21:11that's why I'm going to go go again
21:13because whatever you perceive this
21:15person doing, you've done to the same
21:16degree.
21:17And I've been doing that for about 41
21:20years and never had anybody that
21:21couldn't find it if they just kept
21:22looking. So, let's go to number three.
21:24Okay, and now they're coming.
21:27>> [laughter]
21:27>> That's right. They're there. Um That's
21:29why we keep attracting whatever we
21:31condemn.
21:32>> Um okay.
21:33Um yeah, the next situation I was uh
21:37I was a board chairperson and this
21:39person had
21:41been disrespectful.
21:43And so, I was
21:45>> in where you did it. I don't need the
21:47narrative and story.
21:48>> Okay, sorry.
21:48>> I just need to know where you did it.
21:49>> Um I made sure that
21:51that everyone on the committee knew
21:54what this person had done prior.
21:57>> And you wanted to do that to kind of
21:58bring them down from their pride and
22:00arrogance and put up. Yeah. And
22:03you told people that you know could
22:05affect them.
22:06Yes. So, you did That's the third
22:08example of where you've done that? Yeah.
22:10Let's go to four.
22:12Well, these are all different time. I'm
22:13zigzagging.
22:14>> One at a time. No, but I'm just saying
22:15it doesn't matter if they're
22:16chronological, right? Doesn't matter
22:18where it
22:18>> it is. Okay. Uh but just one at a time.
22:20Just think of one because if you think
22:21of 15 of them, you can't you won't
22:23process well. Just one.
22:26Probably when my
22:28>> Not probably. Oh, okay.
22:30Um when my stepfather was arrested,
22:33um
22:36Okay, you don't want the story. Okay, so
22:38he was a doctor I don't need the story.
22:40I just need to know what where you did
22:42something and said something to bring
22:44somebody down and went behind their back
22:46or told people
22:48they could affect them.
22:50I don't think this one counts cuz it was
22:51so public.
22:53It was public?
22:54Yeah, it was on the news and everything,
22:56so.
22:57Yeah, but where did you tell somebody
22:59that led to
23:01bring it to try to bring somebody down
23:03and people found out about it. If it
23:06went public, then that's even a bigger
23:07issue.
23:08No, this doesn't apply. Sorry. You
23:10understand the line of questioning from
23:12Dr. DeMartini, right?
23:13>> Yes.
23:13>> He's asking you for actions that you
23:15took where you defeated
23:16>> did the same thing this lady did to you.
23:18I guess I just
23:19told people what he did and how how it
23:24And did some that get back to people
23:26that could affect him?
23:29I don't know. I I honestly don't know.
23:31Did it get to the police that could
23:32affect him?
23:33What? Did it get to the police that
23:35affected him?
23:37No, they he had already been arrested.
23:39Okay.
23:40So, did you do Were you attempting to
23:42bring him and lower him
23:45and expose him? Um I think to some
23:48>> away [clears throat] with something. No,
23:49he didn't get away with it. No, but you
23:52thought he'd gone away got away with
23:53something.
23:54>> He was trying to get away with it.
23:55>> And were you trying to bring that down?
23:57Um
24:00I think that to undermine any
24:04attempt for him to redeem himself and
24:06because he was making excuses, yes.
24:08Okay. Were you doing the same thing the
24:09lady was You thought the lady was doing
24:11to you. Yes. Okay. We got four. One
24:14more.
24:15Just because of time constraints.
24:17>> Okay.
24:18You're lucky we're not going to 20. Oh
24:20my god.
24:22Probably my last Not probably. Okay.
24:25Go to a moment where you did the same
24:27behavior she did again. Another moment
24:29in your life where you've done that.
24:31Where you've attempted to You were
24:33probably jealous. You want to bring the
24:36person down. You felt that it was
24:38unfair, so you want to bring them down
24:40and you exposed and said things about
24:42them behind
24:44that affected them.
24:46Um it was a former partner
24:49and
24:51I
24:53said some things to some people who
24:55would have been able to
24:58affect whether he got rehired in in the
25:01sitch- situation. Okay, and in that
25:04moment
25:06you can see who you shared it with, you
25:07can remember where it was and when it
25:09was.
25:10You're there? Mhm. So, in those five
25:12examples, would you acknowledge that
25:14those five examples are different
25:16variations but of the same thing? Yep.
25:19Okay, fantastic. I'll I may come back to
25:21those, but just because of time Mhm. I'm
25:24going to go on to my second little
25:25question.
25:27Go to the moment when and when
25:30you perceived
25:32that she did this behavior
25:35and tried to undermine you and tried to
25:37do something. Go to the moment when you
25:39first perceived it.
25:42The actual moment you perceived she did
25:44that and you were angry.
25:47Okay. Is this when he told you and spoke
25:50to you? Mhm. So, go to the moment when
25:51he began to speak about it and now you
25:53resented her for exposing something you
25:55said.
25:57Even though you didn't see her do it,
25:58you had some evidence from him. Go to
26:00the moment you felt resentful to her at
26:02that moment.
26:06And let me know when you're there.
26:09The moment your husband's speaking up
26:10about it.
26:12And now you're aware that she did.
26:14Okay, I'm there. You're there? Great.
26:17How did that benefit you at that moment?
26:22You have spiritual benefits,
26:24intellectual benefits, business
26:26financial benefits, family, social,
26:29physical.
26:31How did it benefit you
26:32in your
26:33career?
26:36It didn't. Mhm?
26:38I don't ask questions I don't have
26:39answers. Oh. How did it help you in your
26:41career?
26:42Everything has both advantages and
26:44disadvantages. If you choose to see the
26:46disadvantage, you become a victim of
26:47history. If you look at the advantages,
26:49so how did it benefit you in your
26:50career.
26:54You were somehow unfulfilled in the
26:55relationship.
26:56>> Yeah, I I was able to come out from
26:58behind his his shadow. Say that.
27:01Say that cuz you're going to have a tear
27:02when you say it. Say it.
27:04I was able to come out from behind his
27:06shadow. Say it again. I was able to come
27:09out from behind his shadow. Okay.
27:11And you had been sitting in his shadow.
27:14And you wanted out of his shadow.
27:16And you were not And that's when you had
27:18the fling, you had somebody that was
27:19giving you acknowledgement.
27:21Yeah. And you were living in a shadow
27:24instead of on the shoulders and equals.
27:26It made me visible when I felt
27:28invisible.
27:28>> Exactly.
27:30Okay, so
27:31uh you were unfulfilled. That's why you
27:33were looking for somebody to try to
27:34bring in fulfillment. Anything you're
27:36not willing to do with your mate, you
27:37got to be willing to delegate. If the
27:39man's not doing something that's
27:40fulfilling in your needs, then you'll
27:42find somebody else to fill those needs.
27:43Pretty normal.
27:45So,
27:46you got out from under their shadow.
27:49And how did that help your career?
27:52Um Repositioned yourself with your
27:54power? Yeah.
27:57Can you see you were hoping for that,
27:58wanting that? Mhm.
28:00So, can you see that the lady actually
28:02catalyzed you to be able to go and do
28:03what you want to do? Yeah. Did you ever
28:05give her a percentage of the income that
28:06you earned?
28:07>> [laughter]
28:08>> As a as a consultant?
28:12No.
28:14Okay. How did it help you
28:15intellectually? What did you learn as a
28:17result of him speaking up, saying that?
28:20What did you learn that was valuable in
28:23your
28:24life?
28:26I learned to that it wasn't my job to
28:29sacrifice for somebody else's happiness.
28:32Okay, so
28:34anytime you infatuate with somebody and
28:36put them on a pedestal, you'll minimize
28:37yourself and inject some of their values
28:39into your life and try to live in their
28:41values, which is futile. It's
28:42non-sustainable futility.
28:45And you had some infatuation with the
28:46man initially, apparently.
28:49So, uh
28:50you learned that lesson. What's that
28:52worth?
28:54Oh.
28:55Put a dollar value on that. Oh my god.
28:59At least a couple million. Okay. But you
29:02never gave any of that to the girl, the
29:04lady that helped catalyze that freedom
29:07and that lesson. No.
29:09Okay.
29:10Cuz somehow we don't see that people are
29:12not in in our way, they're actually on
29:14our way.
29:15Their actions.
29:16How did it help you actually
29:18financially?
29:22When he said Go back to the moment when
29:23he said what he said
29:25and it led to the
29:26relationship breaking down,
29:28which was actually a liberty to you.
29:32But we don't always want to admit that.
29:34And um how did that actually help you
29:36financially and put some real dollars on
29:38that?
29:41Well, in the settlement, I got money.
29:44Okay. And did you invest that?
29:46Yes.
29:47And is that giving you compound and
29:49passive income?
29:50It was, no longer, but yeah. Okay.
29:53>> So, you then chose to use it and put it
29:55into a house or something?
29:56>> Yes. Okay.
29:57Um a lifestyle instead of investment.
30:01Well, it was a home, yeah. Yeah, but a
30:04lifestyle.
30:05Yeah. Not not just an investment.
30:07Passive income is an investment, a
30:08lifestyle is a house. Yes. So, that was
30:11your choice, but actually the money
30:13which was an amount could have been put
30:15into assets.
30:17Well, I did I did some of that, too. I
30:19put it in my kids' college. Yeah.
30:22Just I'll come back to this. So, it
30:24helped you financially because you got a
30:26house.
30:27And you had a desire for a house?
30:30Did you have a desire to have a house?
30:31Well, I wanted to live somewhere, yeah.
30:33I mean, but I didn't But instead of
30:34renting and investing the difference,
30:36you you chose to have a house. Did you
30:37want a house? Yes. So, did she help
30:40catalyze you getting your own house?
30:42>> Yes. And do you now design it and
30:44organize it the way you want? Yes. As it
30:47is.
30:48Or yours together.
30:50Yes.
30:52So you got financial remuneration.
30:55You got liberated intellectually and
30:57some things about not subordinating to
30:59other people.
31:00Which is a basic reclaiming of your own
31:02power.
31:03And you also got
31:05um a catalyst into
31:07try driven back into your career. Mhm.
31:09And did you go more into your career
31:11with more gusto? Yes. And did that give
31:13you some advantages in your career?
31:15Yes.
31:16But you didn't thank her for that. No.
31:18Okay. And how did help you in social
31:20circles?
31:24Did it screen out people that were not
31:26really engaged in your your
31:28long-term mission?
31:31Yes. And did did you then prioritize and
31:33select people that were more in more in
31:35line with your mission? Yes.
31:37So didn't you you were living in the
31:39shadows through those other people
31:41through your husband and now you've shed
31:42those? Yes. That you thought were
31:44friends? Yes. That were were friends to
31:46him? And I didn't thank her for that
31:48either. No. But now you're now selective
31:50with people that are more engaged in
31:52what you're up to.
31:52>> Yes. And understand your mission. Yes.
31:55What's that worth?
31:57Oh my god.
31:59A life.
32:01So she's helped you have your life back,
32:03your finances back, the house if you
32:04want, your career engagement. And um
32:08you've learned a great deal about not
32:10living in subordination to anybody else.
32:13Correct.
32:13>> Nobody's worth putting on pedestals or
32:15pits, but they're worth putting in
32:16hearts.
32:17So now let's go and look at how did it
32:19help you physically?
32:22I got in great shape.
32:24Did you get work out?
32:25>> Yeah.
32:25>> Back on the back on the market?
32:27>> [laughter]
32:28>> Well, not right away, but yeah. Well,
32:30but you went back into shape because you
32:32know that fitness is and looks is one of
32:34the key elements for dynamics. Well,
32:37that's my self-image, you know.
32:39>> Okay. So, then you got to develop your
32:40self-image. So, we can add that as
32:41another benefit. Yes.
32:44So, you got a self-image out of it. You
32:45got back in shape.
32:47You got some cash flow out of it.
32:49Got a house. Mhm.
32:51Um how did it help your family? Your You
32:54have children?
32:55Yeah. How did it help the children?
32:59You know that doesn't work with me. How
33:01did it help the children?
33:02>> Um
33:08That's what I feel guilty about. My
33:10daughter
33:10>> I'm going to I'm going to dissolve that.
33:11How did it help the children?
33:13You only feel guilty when you assume you
33:15did an act that caused more pain than
33:17pleasure to somebody in the future.
33:20Uh or from the in the past, pardon me.
33:21If you see the benefits to them, that's
33:24gone.
33:26So,
33:27otherwise you'll sacrifice and
33:28subordinate to her, pleasing her. Right.
33:31Which you're doing. I was more present
33:33and probably if not probably, I was more
33:37present. I was a better parent.
33:39>> Say that again. I was more present and a
33:41better parent. Okay. So, then this lady,
33:43by her saying what she did, helped you
33:46in the dynamic with your children.
33:48Yes. Be more present.
33:50>> Yes.
33:51What's another benefit to your children?
33:53Do you have two children or one? Um
33:55well,
33:56one from that marriage.
33:57>> One from that marriage.
33:59So, that's what you're addressing. How
34:01else did it help her?
34:02To her, right? Mhm. How else did it help
34:04her? When this lady did that? Yeah. Um I
34:08think because of the different moving
34:10around that we did, she blossomed as So,
34:13your daughter got to blossom. Mhm. She
34:16became more independent, probably. Mhm.
34:18And you got to be more of a present with
34:20her. Mhm.
34:22So, what did you think you did that was
34:23guilt-generating?
34:26You just didn't see the benefit. Uh that
34:28she you know, her father wasn't in the
34:30same house. When the father wasn't
34:33there, who became the new father figure?
34:36Nothing's ever missing, it just changes
34:38form. Mhm. So, who became the new father
34:40figure?
34:41>> Um
34:41>> Mentors, coaches, best friends, older
34:43men. Yeah. What's the benefit of them
34:46becoming the father figure instead of
34:47him?
34:49They were more present for her.
34:53So, by you you by what happened, this
34:54lady catalyzed it so she could do it.
34:57Now, when your
34:59husband left
35:01Did he leave?
35:02Or did you leave?
35:03>> Okay, you left.
35:05Who became the new woman in his life?
35:10That he starts to train again. A new one
35:12that he gets to train. Um
35:14How specific do you want me to
35:16[laughter] be? There's a series?
35:18What?
35:18>> Is there a series of them? No, it's
35:20somebody who almost has my same name and
35:23looked like me.
35:24>> Because he's now on the next training
35:25program. He's teaching the next training
35:27program and she's going to learn the
35:28lesson and get to grow some more, too.
35:33So, what what's uh How did it help you
35:37in your spiritual path?
35:39>> [sighs]
35:41>> Having this lady go back to It's got to
35:43go back to the lady.
35:43>> No, I know I know I know.
35:44>> Saying what she's saying, how did it
35:45help you spiritually in your spiritual
35:47awareness?
35:48Whatever your spi- Whatever inspires you
35:50is your spiritual path. What exactly How
35:52did it help unfold an inspiration for
35:55you?
35:58Bigger vision, new possibilities, new
36:01New possibilities,
36:03seeing myself as a whole
36:06>> Say that seeing myself as this whole
36:08being. Say that again. Seeing myself as
36:11a whole being.
36:15What's What's that? What's the value of
36:17that?
36:18It's uh Isn't that what authenticity is?
36:21What's that? Isn't that what
36:22authenticity is? Yes. We sometimes
36:25exaggerate ourselves or minimize
36:26ourselves. Mhm. And we have these
36:28imposter fragments.
36:30The parts. And when we integrate them,
36:33we get to be authentic and whole.
36:36And that's individually as a whole.
36:38Individual means undivided.
36:42You're not a person, persona, a mask.
36:44You're an individual, a whole.
36:47So, you got to grow spiritually,
36:49intellectually, mentally. In other
36:52words,
36:53um
36:54socially,
36:55financially, your business.
37:00What is it you're upset about on this?
37:01>> problem, right? What's What's What are
37:03you judging her for that you haven't
37:05done?
37:07And by the way, when you've done this,
37:09it's also catalyzed greatness in other
37:11people, but you not may not have ever
37:13seen it. Yeah. You may have felt bad
37:15that you did it.
37:16But the reality is that everybody gets
37:18to grow in these dynamics. If they don't
37:20grow, it's because not because of what
37:22happened, it's because they've chosen
37:23not to see the blessings in it.
37:25They're making themselves victims of
37:27history, not masters of destiny.
37:30I'm just helping you be accountable to
37:31see that you're actually on track.
37:35And the lady was a perfect catalyst to
37:37catalyze something that you were
37:38contemplating in your mind about getting
37:40out of that marriage. Mhm.
37:42But you didn't have the courage to do
37:43that cuz you didn't want to have the
37:44feeling the responses from people of
37:47judging you for jumping out of your
37:49marriage.
37:50And you had to have to have the perfect
37:51person to come in and help you catalyze
37:53it.
37:54Someone to blame. Someone to to use as a
37:56scapegoat cuz you didn't want to be the
37:58one that said I'm breaking up my
37:59marriage.
38:00Because of an injected value from
38:02probably a mom or somebody else in your
38:03life.
38:05Am I hitting it? Oh, yeah.
38:07So,
38:09what's another benefit of this whole
38:10thing happening?
38:12Besides us having the time to get to
38:13meet today. Yeah. And thank you. Um
38:17Well, I just live in my truth now. Ooh,
38:21what's that worth?
38:24You can't put a price on that.
38:27Now, I'm going to ask you another wild
38:28question.
38:31At the moment, go to the actual moment
38:34that he said this again.
38:37And he said that she
38:40told him about these things.
38:44What exactly did he say that she said?
38:49Or what did you believe at the moment he
38:52disclosed what he did that she had done?
38:58What did he actually say? Yeah. He asked
39:01me point-blank if I was having an
39:02affair. And I said yes.
39:05Okay.
39:08>> he just said, "Because Deborah called me
39:10and told me."
39:12Okay. So,
39:14because Deborah told him, he then
39:17was he intuitive and already kind of
39:19wondering?
39:20No. So, he's a naive. He focus on his
39:22work or something. He wasn't paying
39:23attention.
39:24>> Okay.
39:25Um you know, there's a there's a price
39:27for every marriage, every relationship.
39:29They may be highly intelligent, but they
39:31know it all. They may be hard working,
39:33but they're hardly there. They may be
39:35great sense of humor, but it's the same
39:37story. You never get a pleasure without
39:38a pain. There's always a pair of
39:40opposites like a magnet.
39:42So, that is wise to not go after
39:45a idea in a relationship that I'm going
39:47to get a pleasure without a pain. That's
39:49not going to happen.
39:51Every every relationship has got
39:52something. The peccadillos, they call
39:54it.
39:55That's a word I haven't heard in a
39:56while. Now,
39:57go to that moment when he said that.
40:00And you thought in a sense that that's
40:02when you judged her.
40:04She was saying something derogatory
40:07about you you didn't want anybody to do.
40:10What would be the opposite behavior of
40:12that?
40:13If somebody is saying something
40:15derogatory about you to somebody
40:18and and exposing something.
40:20What would be the opposite? Somebody
40:22holding a secret back and keeping a
40:24secret about you?
40:26Would that be an opposite? Yeah.
40:28At the moment when she was to he dis- he
40:31declared that she had disclosed that
40:33information, who is doing exactly the
40:35opposite to you at that moment, keeping
40:38a big secret and loyal to you at that
40:40moment cuz anytime you are infatuated
40:42with a loyal person, you have to have
40:44somebody that behind your scenes does
40:46the opposite, betrays.
40:48You never attract a betrayal unless
40:50you're addicted to a loyal. Who were you
40:51addicted to that was loyal to you that
40:53you trusted and kept secrets to
40:56at the moment she he spoke?
41:00Who else did you tell that you knew you
41:01could trust? Oh, god.
41:03>> you were you knew was loyal to you,
41:05would not say a word.
41:08My therapist. Ah.
41:11Were you highly involved in your
41:12therapist at the time?
41:15She She was helping me. Yeah. But you
41:17were in engaging her and telling her all
41:19your stuff?
41:20And she couldn't disclose it.
41:22Correct.
41:24Cuz anytime you get infatuated or like
41:28somebody that you can disclose your
41:30narrative story to that can't say
41:32anything or undermine that,
41:34you attract a betrayer to break your
41:36addiction to that cuz you don't grow in
41:38that.
41:39That keeps you stuck. Yep. So you get
41:42the person over here to make sure that
41:43you actually break through the stuff
41:45you're judging in yourself.
41:47Mhm.
41:48So just know that your dependency on her
41:50at the time is part of the reason why
41:51this also catalyzes.
41:54Cuz otherwise you're dependent on her
41:56and now you're the just like you were
41:58infatuated and playing underdog to the
42:00man, you were doing that to the to the
42:02therapist. And as long as you're
42:04underdog to the therapist, you're going
42:05to have somebody to break your
42:06addiction. Anytime you infatuate
42:08somebody and become dependent on them
42:09and fear the loss of somebody, you
42:11attract somebody who comes in there to
42:12break that addiction.
42:14It makes perfect sense. To strengthen
42:16that.
42:18Make sense? Absolutely.
42:20>> going to ask you another wild question,
42:21a reverse question. Okay.
42:24Go to the moment when you found out she
42:25did it.
42:26If she never told him that
42:30and never tried to bring you down and
42:32did what you hoped she would have done,
42:34kind of the fantasy, cuz you only resent
42:36somebody cuz they don't match the
42:38fantasy of the opposite that you hold on
42:40to.
42:41So,
42:42if she had never told him and was in
42:46never putting you down and trying to
42:48take you down
42:49and supported you like your therapist,
42:51what would have been the drawback to
42:52your life today? I would have been still
42:54I was stuck.
42:55Stuck?
42:58Did you ever thank her for helping you
42:59get unstuck? No.
43:02Can you see you've matured and grown
43:04quite extensively since this moment? Oh,
43:06yeah.
43:07But you never thanked her.
43:10Right now, her name is Deborah, right?
43:13Right now, if Deborah was sitting in
43:14front of you, what would you tell her?
43:19I probably would apologize. Apologize
43:22for what? What did you think you did to
43:23her that would need apologies? Apologies
43:25assume that you did something to cause
43:27pain to her.
43:28Mhm.
43:30I guess I would then thank her. Thank
43:33her for
43:34>> What What did you think you need to
43:35apologize for? What did you think you
43:36did that you caused
43:37>> Just because all of the
43:40You withdrew from her friend? What? Did
43:43you withdraw from her friend? Oh, yeah,
43:45I withdrew and I um I just harbored
43:48resentment.
43:49>> Good. How did that help her?
43:53By harboring resentment, how did that
43:54help her? How did it help her?
43:57Whenever we get somebody that's
43:58resenting us and withdrawing from us,
44:01we also get people that come close to us
44:04that infatuate with us. So, who had her
44:05on a pedestal, infatuated, and got
44:07closer to her as you were withdrawing
44:08from her and resenting her?
44:11Oh, she she got married.
44:13What if you found out that you
44:14contributed to her having a man that
44:16supported her at that time?
44:21That would be good.
44:21>> Wouldn't she a friend?
44:23Wouldn't you want her to find a man she
44:24wanted?
44:24>> Absolutely.
44:27Would you feel guilty about that?
44:30No. What would you want to tell her now?
44:31You imagine her in front of you.
44:35I would I would tell her that I'm really
44:36happy that she's happy and she has a
44:38child and she has a good marriage and I
44:41think I mean I think it's
44:42>> think that maybe you the dynamic that
44:44happened between you made that possible?
44:46Catalyzed part of that? Yeah. Did you
44:48ever thank yourself?
44:50No.
44:52Sometimes we don't see the hidden order
44:54that's going on in our life
44:56and it doesn't match the
44:58stories and narratives and the moral
45:01hypocrisies about how life's supposed to
45:03be and then we judge it all instead of
45:05miss it out and instead of seeing
45:08the magnificence that's actually
45:09occurring.
45:10So,
45:11right now,
45:13what would you say to her about her
45:15saying the thing to husband? What would
45:17you say to her?
45:19You got a lot of benefits out of it.
45:21You want her to live the rest of her
45:23life not knowing what you gained from
45:24that?
45:27No, I probably would
45:29I would tell her that I there are a lot
45:30of benefits that came out of that. It
45:33was it was hard.
45:34What was what was hard?
45:36Go you know, going through it. I mean
45:38>> What what what aspect of it was hard?
45:40Uh the breaking apart of everything, you
45:43know. What was what was easy about that?
45:46I felt relieved.
45:49So, why was it hard?
45:53Um You had you had to adjust and face
45:54the truth about what was happening.
45:57I had to face my shame about not
46:00stepping up and taking accountability
46:02when I was feeling hurt.
46:05So, I I probably created a situation
46:08where somebody could hurt me more. So, I
46:11feel
46:11>> What what what what did you What Who and
46:14what hurt you?
46:16The husband?
46:18Yeah, I just
46:18>> What did he do specifically to hurt? I'm
46:20now going off on another little chart.
46:22>> Um he just disengaged. Okay. What did
46:25you do to make sure he disengaged?
46:31People only disengage when they're not
46:33getting their values met.
46:35If I'm talking to somebody and I'm
46:37meeting their values and needs, they're
46:39totally engaged. If they disengage, it
46:41means somehow they're not getting what
46:43they want in a dynamic
46:44or in conversation with you.
46:47What were you doing to help it make sure
46:49he was disengaged?
46:52Well, clearly I'm not ready to accept
46:54that because I'm not
46:55I
46:56>> No, that that No, no, that that's not
46:57what works here. Yeah.
46:59>> [laughter]
46:59>> Was it that you were frustrated because
47:00he was working? Yeah, he was leaving.
47:04>> honor his work That was one of his
47:06highest values.
47:07Mhm.
47:08Everybody lives according to the
47:10hierarchy of their values. They make
47:12decisions accordingly. Whatever will
47:13give them the greatest value.
47:16If somebody they're with is not
47:18understanding what their highest value
47:19is and is in their minds trying to get
47:23them away from what they highest value
47:24is, they withdraw.
47:27How is him working so extensively helped
47:30you?
47:31When during the time you're with him and
47:33he was working so extensively, how did
47:34that benefit you?
47:36It provide gave us a
47:38a nice life. It gave us a family.
47:40>> what gave you your house afterwards?
47:41Yeah. Yeah. And during that time when he
47:44was working so hard,
47:45where did you put your energies?
47:47Children?
47:49I was helping him with his business and
47:52raising my our daughter. Yeah. Okay, so
47:54you were putting energy in the daughter
47:56and also
47:57>> Yeah. And were you getting paid for
47:58that?
48:00So, you're just sacrificing and and
48:02helping him in his business and assuming
48:03he was going to take care of things,
48:04which he eventually did.
48:05>> Yeah. Yeah.
48:06So,
48:07you wouldn't have done it unless there
48:09was some sort of, in your perception,
48:11advantage over disadvantage out of doing
48:12it cuz nobody moves a muscle without an
48:14advantage over a disadvantage. So, what
48:15advantage are you getting out of taking
48:17care of him and doing that for him?
48:19What What was the advantage? Yeah. You
48:22wouldn't have done it if there weren't
48:23an advantage. You would have withdrawn.
48:24>> think I repeated the cycle that I grew
48:26up in.
48:28That That That didn't answer the
48:29question. What's the advantage you got
48:31consciously?
48:33Probably being a victim.
48:34No, that's No, that's not the benefit.
48:36That's a story. What's the benefit you
48:39got out of
48:40working and helping him in his business?
48:43What was your hidden agenda?
48:45Nobody moves a muscle without a motive.
48:46>> Oh, I I wanted him to succeed. For what
48:49reason for you?
48:52Lifestyle?
48:54Long-term objective? Long-term
48:56objective. What was the hidden agenda?
48:58Oh, there was a hidden agenda?
48:59>> You wanted to make sure you got to a
49:00certain level so you got enough to be
49:01able to when you when you went and had
49:03the affair and divorced him, you got
49:04something.
49:05>> You sure? Yeah. Okay. Then, go go to
49:08what was the real objective there?
49:10Nobody is altruistic. Yeah.
49:12>> They have a hidden agenda or
49:13compensation for guilt and shame in the
49:14past when they're doing altruistic acts.
49:16>> Okay. I'm I think I'm getting lost in
49:17all the words, but I just I wanted to
49:19prove my value to him.
49:20>> Ah.
49:23And did you?
49:26I thought I did and
49:28but Did you feel that you were on a
49:30underdog position? You had to be. All
49:33the signs are showing it. Yeah. So, you
49:35wanted to make sure that you contributed
49:36to him because you felt like you were
49:38getting a good deal.
49:42I needed to feel valued.
49:46By him? By him. And So, you didn't feel
49:50you were being valued for him. Who had
49:51you on a pedestal that overvalued you?
49:53You never get undervalued without
49:54overvalued. So, who overvalued you at
49:56the time?
49:59Who had you on a pedestal? Well, he did.
50:02Okay. Well, that's confusing cuz you
50:05just said I need to prove a value to him
50:06and you're saying he overvalued you.
50:08That's a contradiction.
50:09>> and then that then it waned and so I was
50:11trying to earn
50:12>> When it waned and he wasn't valuing you,
50:14who picked up that part part? Who
50:16started valuing you?
50:19Besides your therapist. My daughter. Ah.
50:22So, in the family dynamic, she started
50:24putting a value on you as he was with
50:26waning.
50:27Okay, what was the benefit of her doing
50:29it not him?
50:31You got to feel more like a a decent
50:33mother cuz you came back and said that
50:34you wanted to contribute more and be
50:36even a greater mother.
50:37Yeah.
50:38So, you got the benefit of being
50:40acknowledged as a mother by the daughter
50:42during the time when he waned. Yeah, we
50:44have very good relationship.
50:45>> you found out that there's always a
50:46balance of support and challenge, praise
50:49and reprimand, that's conserved through
50:51life and it's just morphing and changing
50:53forms through people and when he
50:55withdraws, somebody else picks it up.
51:00That's
51:00>> And when he's doing it, you become
51:01addicted and subordinate to him.
51:05And you began to grow when your daughter
51:07started supporting you, you just started
51:08gaining some independence.
51:12Can you see that happened? Yep.
51:14So, can you see that that her doing it
51:16was lifting you up and making you stand
51:18more as an equal, which is leveling the
51:20playing field, and he was used to you
51:23being the underdog and all of a sudden
51:25you're now not playing there and he's
51:26withdrawn and trying to find somebody
51:27else to give him the attention. Yeah.
51:31I can see that now.
51:33So, right now,
51:35when he devalued you like that,
51:38what was the benefit to you?
51:41You started your independent.
51:43When somebody praises you, you you
51:45juvenile dependent. When somebody
51:47criticizes you and challenge you, you
51:48become precociously independent.
51:51If he hadn't have done that, you would
51:52have been trapped.
51:54I would have felt like I couldn't rise
51:56above him because then I would lose him.
51:58Oh my god. Yeah. You only fear the loss
52:00of things you got above you.
52:02You don't feel the loss of things you go
52:03below you. One's prey, one's predator.
52:08So right now, what did he do or she do
52:09that's not part of the
52:11journey that was needed?
52:13It all worked out. And and so
52:16>> something I would have changed here.
52:17>> What would you have changed?
52:19I would have put my foot down cuz my
52:21career was going great in New York and I
52:23wouldn't have left. I would have
52:24insisted we stayed. So you got
52:26infatuated with a guy and sacrificed
52:28your career for a fantasy guy.
52:31So you're not probably going to do that,
52:33are you? You probably learned a lesson.
52:34Yes. So he taught you the value of that.
52:37Correct.
52:38>> Because you thought that you needed a
52:38man for the your identity.
52:42I just didn't want to do things alone.
52:45I wanted to, you know, wanted a partner.
52:47>> you're with the guy that's withdrawn
52:49from you,
52:50>> [sighs]
52:51>> you're alone.
52:51>> right. I'm alone anyway. Yeah. Yeah.
52:53>> Um alone and not alone are always
52:56balanced in life. There's a part of the
52:57pair of opposites that just change form
52:59and morph again.
53:00>> Yeah. So right now,
53:02uh what would you change different? It
53:05would have been nice to have that
53:07feeling.
53:09What feeling? The the feeling that I was
53:12enough.
53:13You know.
53:13>> And who is when he was not doing it, the
53:15daughter was doing it.
53:16>> Yeah.
53:17And
53:19who else was doing it besides the
53:21daughter because they're balanced?
53:24For 25 years I've been demonstrating in
53:26people's lives that you can't get one
53:27without the other because of the law of
53:28contrast.
53:29>> Mhm. You can't judge something without
53:31its equal and opposite contrast being
53:33there to be able to perceive.
53:35So if somebody's criticizing, there's a
53:36praiser.
53:37You don't see it, you run the story, I'm
53:39a victim of criticism.
53:41I'm a victim all my life. You don't get
53:42anywhere that way. When you see both
53:44sides, you realize that I had a
53:46transformation of who was supporting and
53:47challenging me throughout my whole life.
53:49Yes. That's mastery.
53:52So, who was praising you besides your
53:54daughter at the time and had you kind of
53:56on a pedestal and made you important?
53:59Want to include you in his in the life.
54:03Friends? Yeah, my friends. Social
54:07circles and friends?
54:08>> Social circles. I was taking a course at
54:10the time and learning a new skill.
54:12>> And those people and the teachers and
54:13people on that? Mhm. So, can you see
54:15that him doing that work and withdrawing
54:18allowed you to get the support from
54:20those people
54:22and the daughter? Correct.
54:23>> But wasn't that necessary for the next
54:25step?
54:27Was it necessary for the next step?
54:29>> All that education and every all that
54:30information, wasn't that part of your
54:32networking team and knowledge you needed
54:33to go the next step?
54:34>> Correct. Yeah. So, where have you not
54:36been on track?
54:40I've been on track. So, what's it like
54:42to realize you've been on track the
54:43whole time? There hasn't been an error
54:45in this whole thing. I can let all this
54:47crap go.
54:48>> The illusion go?
54:48>> Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, right now when you
54:50look at your your husband, can you see
54:53he played a perfect job in this? Your
54:55daughter played a role.
54:57Deborah played a role. So, if Deborah's
54:59sitting in front of you again, what do
55:00you want to tell Deborah right now?
55:01Thank you, Deborah.
55:04What do you want to say to her?
55:04>> I said, "Thank you, Deborah." Okay.
55:06Yeah. Now, is that a little lighter than
55:08you started?
55:09>> Oh, hell yeah.
55:09>> Has the narrative that you had
55:11completely looked differently? Yes.
55:13Okay. Now, we've only did about two or
55:15three little columns out of the the
55:17exercise. There's 80 columns in it.
55:20Okay, so we could just keep going with
55:22it. Yeah. But we're getting somewhere. I
55:24don't think she can handle it. It's
55:25getting somewhere. By the way, No, I'm
55:27going to go journal about this. This
55:29Thank you.
55:30>> Okay.
55:31Just know that any of the stories that
55:33you've had in your life, I I went
55:34through this, I had this, and I was I
55:36challenged childhood and all that stuff.
55:38It's all [ __ ]
55:39Okay. And and you may not believe me,
55:41but if I sat with you for a period of
55:43time and we narrowed it down one by one,
55:47you would be in tears of gratitude for
55:48what happened in your life.
55:50And then you'll be liberated from the
55:51story that you've run
55:54that
55:55you we run our illusions till we're
55:57ready for the truth.
55:59The truth kind of sets us free from the
56:00stories.
56:01We use the stories because of all the
56:03moral hypocrisies we get indoctrinated
56:05about how people are supposed to be
56:07instead of seeing how magnificent they
56:10are in the journey.
56:12Somebody once asked me if I had if there
56:14was a year that I would eliminate, you
56:16know, in my life,
56:18which one would it be? And and I, you
56:20know, just like Queen Elizabeth said she
56:21had the
56:23Annus horribilis. I said, you know,
56:252005, but I wouldn't do it because then
56:28I wouldn't have met you.
56:30That person, you know.
56:31>> Well, anything you can't say thank you
56:32for is your baggage. Yeah. Anything you
56:34can say thank you for is your fuel.
56:36Yeah. So, you you can decide to be
56:38victim of history
56:40because you're comparing current reality
56:42to a fantasy in how it should have been,
56:43would have been, could have been.
56:45Or you can be a master of destiny to be
56:46able to see through and navigate it and
56:48realize there's nothing
56:50that I or other people did that's not
56:52part of the journey that was needed to
56:54help me move forward.
56:56Yep.
56:57Cuz you said things were being held
56:58back, but I haven't heard anything
56:59that's really holding you back.
57:02Just me. Sounds like you've been growing
57:03and doing and expanding in the areas
57:04that are important to you.
57:06Yes. But we can run that narrative
57:08sometimes.
57:10Mhm. Sometimes we compare ourselves to
57:11other people. Anytime you compare
57:13yourself to somebody else and put them
57:14above you,
57:15you're going to inject their values.
57:17You're going to try to envy and imitate
57:19them as Emerson said, which is futile
57:20and a form of suicide. And you'll
57:23eventually learn the hard way that
57:24that's futile and non-sustainable. Yeah.
57:27And eventually you get the symptoms of
57:29that
57:30to wake you up. So, not put people on
57:32pedestals. Nobody's worth putting on
57:33pedestals.
57:34There's no guru out there. There's no
57:36teacher out there. There's no saint out
57:38there. There's human beings out there.
57:41I've met enough gurus out there that
57:42people think are all somehow one-sided
57:45or enlightened or whatever. No, they're
57:46just human beings. We're all just human
57:47beings.
57:48And we're not worth putting on pedestal
57:50piss. We're worth putting in hearts.
57:52And now you've got Deborah Moore in your
57:53heart than when we started. That's our
57:55objective.
57:55>> Yeah, and that's I didn't realize how
57:58how clung onto that I was cuz I was
58:00still harboring. Yeah. Yeah. That's why
58:02I'm not interested in your story because
58:04the story is anytime you have an
58:06emotional story, you have incomplete
58:07information.
58:08>> Yes. Anytime you have thank you, I love
58:09you, you got we got we're getting
58:10somewhere.
58:13Yeah.
58:15Thank you. So, that's at least a start.
58:18Round of applause, everybody. Wow.
58:21>> [applause]
58:24>> Thank you to everybody. Your patience.
58:27Thanks for doing that. How much time was
58:28that? 40 minutes?
58:3145? Yeah, about 45. 40, 45 minutes.
58:35I I have my own reflections on this and
58:37I could not help but a few
58:39some of the feelings that she was
58:40sharing.
58:42And you know, having my own kind of
58:45replaying in my life. What is it about
58:47our human nature that we tend to focus
58:49on the negative and not the positive
58:50because if you keep doing this, it seems
58:52like we're all exactly where we need to
58:54be
58:55and we learn the moment we appreciate
58:58all that's happened. When I turned 18
59:00years old, I I was living in Hawaii as a
59:03big wave rider surfer.
59:05And I left there and I came to Texas to
59:08visit my parents. So, I left home at a
59:10young age, 13.
59:12My parents saw that I wanted to go and
59:14learn how to read
59:15and go back and try to learn again. So,
59:17I was inspired by Paul Bragg who helped
59:20me believe that maybe someday I could be
59:21intelligent.
59:23Cuz I was told I would never be able to
59:24read, write, communicate, and amount to
59:26anything that go over in foreign life
59:27when I was first grade and I ended
59:29not I didn't read till I was 18.
59:31So,
59:33I got inspired and I started back and my
59:36parents
59:37uh bought a set of books, a little
59:40triplet book by Norman Vincent Peale,
59:42The Power of Positive Thinking.
59:44So, I read this book
59:46and I thought, I need to be more
59:47positive.
59:49And I was reading it with a dictionary
59:51because my vocabulary was limited, but I
59:53tried and tried and tried and tried to
59:55be positive, positive, positive,
59:56positive, but no matter what I did, I'd
59:58I'd falter.
1:00:00I'd have some judgment on myself or on
1:00:01somebody else or whatever and I thought,
1:00:03what am I doing wrong?
1:00:05And so, I got a whole collection of
1:00:06self-help books thinking I was going to
1:00:08eventually get there
1:00:09to a positive pole of a magnet without
1:00:11the other pole.
1:00:14And no matter what I did, I kept
1:00:16faltering. I'd have negative thoughts.
1:00:19So, I said, well, maybe I need to go
1:00:20live to the seminars. So, at starting at
1:00:22age 20, I started attending seminars.
1:00:24I went to a live seminar with
1:00:26Norman Vincent Peale. And he stood on
1:00:28stage and he says, "You probably know me
1:00:29as the father of positive thinking, but
1:00:31I must confess before you today that I
1:00:33am one of the most negative thinking
1:00:35people you've ever met.
1:00:36And the reason I wrote the books on
1:00:37positive thinking is to help balance out
1:00:39my negativity." Mhm. And I was the only
1:00:41one applauding. Everybody else was like
1:00:43shocked and I was applauding.
1:00:45And then I went to, you know, I went to
1:00:48the national speakers and I met Earl
1:00:49Nightingale and his brother and I met W.
1:00:52Clement Stone and I met, you know,
1:00:54tremendous Jones and Jim Rohn and all
1:00:57these speakers, right? And I got to
1:00:59interact with them and hang out with
1:01:00them and find out about their lives and
1:01:02stuff.
1:01:03And as I was emerging from 18-year-olds,
1:01:06I wanted to be a teacher and so, I was
1:01:07starting my teaching career. I got to
1:01:09meet those people and every one of them
1:01:11had both positive and negative.
1:01:13And so, I thought, why are we
1:01:15teaching something nobody's living?
1:01:18And I remember Paul Dirac, the Nobel
1:01:21Prize winner, he wrote a book in 1947
1:01:24called The Principles of Quantum
1:01:25Mechanics.
1:01:26And he said um it's not that we don't
1:01:28know so much, it's we know so much that
1:01:29it itself.
1:01:32We're taught misinformation.
1:01:35Political and theological systems like
1:01:37to
1:01:38be in the guilt control the
1:01:40guilt-producing control business. They
1:01:42love to create a moral hypocrisy that
1:01:44nobody can live by so you can feel
1:01:45ashamed so they can control you with the
1:01:47fantasy of the afterlife and the
1:01:50the eternal damnation, eternal salvation
1:01:52you might say, or the control of some
1:01:54projected moralities of society.
1:01:57So,
1:02:00I started realizing, you know what?
1:02:02And it took me a decade
1:02:04to finally realize that no matter how
1:02:06hard I'm trying to do it, I'm not
1:02:08getting
1:02:08>> [clears throat]
1:02:09>> positive without negative. They're
1:02:10coming together as a pair.
1:02:12And I'm supportive and challenging and
1:02:14nice and mean and kind and cruel.
1:02:17Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher,
1:02:19talked about the unity of opposites. And
1:02:21Paul Dirac got his information from
1:02:23particle and antiparticle physics from
1:02:25that idea. And I thought the unity of
1:02:27opposites is makes more sense to me
1:02:30cuz I'm having the unity of opposites,
1:02:31I'm having both.
1:02:33And um the dialectic and the
1:02:35propositions of of arguments and law and
1:02:37then through the history from the time
1:02:39of Zeno through Aristotle to Hegel and
1:02:41all these philosophers, they all were
1:02:43talking about the unity of opposites,
1:02:45bringing and synthesizing these pairs of
1:02:46opposites.
1:02:48And I thought I would What would happen
1:02:50if we did that in our in our mind? We
1:02:52took the positive negatives and
1:02:53integrated them in our mind, could we
1:02:54liberate ourselves from the intrusive
1:02:56thoughts and the the things that occupy
1:02:58space and time in our mind that run our
1:02:59lives?
1:03:01Cuz anybody that's highly infatuated
1:03:03can't sleep at night, they got insomnia
1:03:04because they're on the alert that I got
1:03:06food in front of me, I don't want to
1:03:07lose it. So, I'm awake. Or if I got
1:03:10somebody I'm resentful, it's a predator.
1:03:12I got to stay awake cuz I could get
1:03:13eaten. And so we have have insomnia
1:03:15which is symptomatic, trying to let us
1:03:18know we have imbalanced ratios of
1:03:19perception about people that we're
1:03:21storing in our mind causing these
1:03:23difficulties sleeping.
1:03:26So, I set out to um
1:03:29answer the question, is there such a
1:03:31thing as positive thinking by itself?
1:03:34So, at age 28, I
1:03:36took 300 best-selling books on positive
1:03:38thinking, underlined every positive word
1:03:39in those things, and compiled those into
1:03:41a 2,000 index cards list,
1:03:45and I wrote a book. You can find it
1:03:46online, 2,000 quotes to the wise, a
1:03:49day-by-day guide to inspirational living
1:03:51by Dr. Demartini. I published it 1983
1:03:53on the most positive words
1:03:55and the most positive meditated
1:03:57affirmations and quotations that could
1:03:59be stated by that.
1:04:02And I put this book together, and then I
1:04:04decided I was going to quote those
1:04:06divide that into 365 days. I put five to
1:04:09six quotes per day. I decided I was
1:04:11going to chant them 108 times like the
1:04:13rosary beads of the japa beads by the
1:04:15the International Society of Krishna
1:04:17Consciousness, and I'm going to go
1:04:19through and inculcate my brain with the
1:04:22most positive words, the most positive
1:04:23statements, the most positive things I
1:04:25could, and then monitor and measure on a
1:04:28day-by-day cycle forecasting form the
1:04:31seven areas of my life to see what
1:04:33impact it's having on my life. And I did
1:04:35that for 2 years every single day,
1:04:37four monitorings a day, 7, 11, 3, and 7,
1:04:40and monitored what impact did saying
1:04:42nothing but positive words and nothing
1:04:44but positive statements impact my life,
1:04:47and I monitored it.
1:04:50And at the end of 2 years, I got a Texas
1:04:53Instrument calculator out, if you all
1:04:55remember those,
1:04:56and I calculated all of the fluctuations
1:04:58of all the highs and lows and positive
1:05:00negatives I had during the time I was
1:05:03concentrating most intensely more than
1:05:06anybody I'd ever met on positive
1:05:07thinking.
1:05:09And it came out zero.
1:05:13And then I learned something that I
1:05:14could have learned if I'd have just
1:05:15studied. I learned that there's a thing
1:05:17called hedonic adaptation that each of
1:05:19us have a set point that automatically
1:05:20oscillates our positives and negatives
1:05:22and brings us back. We also have a moral
1:05:25licensing effect. Anytime we get proud,
1:05:26we give ourselves permission to do
1:05:28something to undermine it to make sure
1:05:29we feel shame to get us back in
1:05:30equilibrium. We do something we're
1:05:32shamed, we do something to go pride. We
1:05:35go and work out, we then give ourselves
1:05:36permission to drink wine and eat and do
1:05:38things as a homeostat to try to keep us
1:05:41to the set point of our authentic state.
1:05:44So, I realized at the end of it that it
1:05:45was a pointless thing to try to be
1:05:47one-sided.
1:05:50The Buddha said the desire for that
1:05:51which is unobtainable and the desire to
1:05:53avoid that which is unavoidable is the
1:05:54source of human suffering.
1:05:57So, instead of trying to get one half of
1:05:59a magnet and try to get rid of the other
1:06:00half of magnet which is futile,
1:06:02I finally embraced the positive and
1:06:04negatives and I started asking, "Why do
1:06:06we have negativity?"
1:06:07And I found without certain without the
1:06:10uncertainty about it that the second you
1:06:12have negativity, it's because
1:06:14it's there to break your addiction to
1:06:16its opposite pole.
1:06:18So, anytime your amygdala which wants to
1:06:20avoid a predator and seek a prey, it
1:06:22wants to create a positive [snorts]
1:06:23without a negative, a pleasure without a
1:06:24pain, a happy without a sad, a peace
1:06:26without a war. It's trying to get a
1:06:28one-sided world that doesn't exist.
1:06:30And the moment you do, our negativity
1:06:32through our intuition comes out to try
1:06:34to break that addiction.
1:06:36Cuz if we get addicted to that, we
1:06:37become juvenilely dependent on it and we
1:06:39don't grow.
1:06:40So, we have to have the other side in
1:06:41order to grow again. So, nature brings
1:06:44us back to the unity of opposites which
1:06:45is our authentic self. I'm both hero and
1:06:47villain, nice and mean, kind and cruel.
1:06:49I'm not a one-sided individual.
1:06:52Neither None of us are. There is no such
1:06:53thing as a one-sided individual. There's
1:06:55no heroes out there.
1:06:56Any religion that promotes it or any
1:06:58politics that promotes it is a farce.
1:07:01Cuz when you really get to know
1:07:02somebody, after you marry somebody, they
1:07:04got both sides.
1:07:06Giving yourself permission to be whole,
1:07:08which is exactly what all this was
1:07:10giving you,
1:07:11transcends the illusion of trying to get
1:07:13a positive out of a negative.
1:07:15And trying to get rid of half of
1:07:16yourself is futile. You'll never love
1:07:18yourself if you're trying to get rid of
1:07:19all your negativity. It's pointless cuz
1:07:21you need it. You need it to break your
1:07:23addictions to the fantasies.
1:07:25Your executive center in the forebrain,
1:07:27which has foresight and strategic
1:07:28planning, and is more the integrated
1:07:31center of the soul according to
1:07:32Scientific American September 2022,
1:07:35shows that
1:07:37our real self is that integrated self,
1:07:40not the fractured parts.
1:07:43So, as long as we're striving for a
1:07:44one-sided world, the other side has to
1:07:45smack us.
1:07:47So,
1:07:48negativity is an absolutely essential
1:07:52aspect of human behavior. It is
1:07:54pointless to try to get rid of it. It's
1:07:56needed. Learning what it's trying to
1:07:59reveal to our minds
1:08:01is important.
1:08:03And most Well, I found 15 most common
1:08:05reasons why we have negativity. We have
1:08:07unrealistic expectations on others to be
1:08:09one-sided,
1:08:11not both-sided.
1:08:13We have unrealistic expectations that
1:08:14others are going to live in our values,
1:08:16not their own.
1:08:18The combination of those two, we have an
1:08:20unrealistic expectation that we are
1:08:22going to be one-sided, so we have
1:08:24negative towards ourself. Why am I not
1:08:25positive? I I had a negative. I feel
1:08:27proud when I do this. I feel shame this
1:08:29way. We become bipolar.
1:08:31Unrealistic expectation us to live in
1:08:33other people's values, like your
1:08:34husband,
1:08:35unre- or combination of those two.
1:08:37Unrealistic expectation on the
1:08:38collective society to be living
1:08:40one-sided. Final peace.
1:08:42Global peace index across the world
1:08:43shows a balance of peace and war across
1:08:45the world year after year after year,
1:08:47but idiots think they're going to get a
1:08:48one-sided world. You need both to grow,
1:08:51to transform, just like you need the
1:08:53sympathetic nervous system and the
1:08:54parasympathetic nervous system for
1:08:56catalyst for catabolism and anabolism to
1:08:59destroy and build in your body for you
1:09:00to adapt to changing environments. The
1:09:02world needs that.
1:09:04And
1:09:05the unrealistic expectation on the
1:09:07collective society that everybody's
1:09:08going to live in your values.
1:09:10When I spoke at UNESCO United Nations, I
1:09:13I trained 75 delegates there and cracked
1:09:16their fantasy that everybody the world
1:09:19would be at peace if everybody would
1:09:20just follow their values.
1:09:23Delusions.
1:09:25But we live in a delusion because our
1:09:26amygdala runs most people's lives.
1:09:29Primarily because we've been taught
1:09:30we're supposed to get rid of half of
1:09:31ourselves and be one-sided.
1:09:33And we can't love ourselves or other
1:09:34people as long as we're striving for
1:09:36that which is unobtainable.
1:09:38So there's a series of reasons why we
1:09:39have negativity and the negativity is
1:09:41not our enemy, it's our friend because
1:09:42it's letting us know when we have
1:09:43unrealistic expectations.
1:09:46And our depression is a culmination of
1:09:48all those unrealistic expectations
1:09:50that do affect our bowel chemistry, but
1:09:53our pharmaceutical companies want you to
1:09:54believe it's because there's a lack of
1:09:55their drug.
1:09:58Which is not true and robs people of
1:10:00their power. There's
1:10:01nobody that has depression that can't
1:10:03transcend it, guaranteed.
1:10:05I could just get warmed up.
1:10:07>> [laughter]
1:10:09>> And we're out time. I don't know I'm
1:10:11speechless.
1:10:13Oh.
1:10:14What's up, Milka? Um
1:10:15based on what I heard from you as a
1:10:17designer where everything that you're
1:10:19thinking saying I'm trying to
1:10:21you know,
1:10:22put it together as an image. I came with
1:10:25this image and please help me if if if
1:10:27I'm it's very simple. I've simplified
1:10:30all the things that you've said. Is that
1:10:32there's this cup
1:10:34which is half full and half empty.
1:10:37And based on whatever all the things
1:10:39that you heard, that's what I'm
1:10:40envisioning that it's up to us how we
1:10:43see life either half full or half empty.
1:10:46It could be like maybe 1 oz water and
1:10:49the rest empty, but that 1 oz water
1:10:51still a blessing. It's not seeing one or
1:10:54the other, it's seeing both
1:10:55simultaneously.
1:10:57Got it.
1:10:58Uh Wilhelm Wundt, the father of
1:11:00experimental psychology, 1897 text,
1:11:04uh said that when people see
1:11:06simultaneous contrast, they have
1:11:08stability and authenticity.
1:11:11When they see sequential contrast, and
1:11:13there's a arrow of time and entropy and
1:11:15disorder in the perception,
1:11:17you have um inauthenticity. You have the
1:11:20imposter syndrome or the persona and
1:11:22mask parts that we wear.
1:11:24So,
1:11:26if we are infatuated with somebody and
1:11:28we're unconscious of the downside, and
1:11:29then later we resent them and we're
1:11:31unconscious of the upside,
1:11:33which most marriages do,
1:11:35there's a sequential contrast. There's a
1:11:38separation between the positive and
1:11:40negatives.
1:11:41Anytime there's a separation positive
1:11:42and negative, we're unstable.
1:11:44We have disorder, missing information.
1:11:47If we can see both of them
1:11:48simultaneously,
1:11:49that's why when you go on on the first
1:11:51date, you might as well get it out of
1:11:52the way, get it out on the table.
1:11:54Find out what that is. Imagine me on a
1:11:56first date, right?
1:11:57Be torture.
1:11:59>> [laughter]
1:12:03>> Yes. But my girlfriend does the same
1:12:05work, so she's right there. She just
1:12:06holds me accountable, so.
1:12:09I was in the Ritz Hotel in 1991
1:12:12with my wife at the time, who's passed
1:12:14away.
1:12:15Um
1:12:17and we were listening to the prince and
1:12:19princess is of Japan
1:12:22on their honeymoon. They just got
1:12:23married. They're now the empress
1:12:25and empress.
1:12:27But
1:12:28they were at the Ritz having dinner
1:12:30adjacent to us,
1:12:32and they had a 500-page document, both
1:12:34of them,
1:12:35and they were asking each other
1:12:37questions to get to know each other
1:12:39that were
1:12:41handed down for generations in Japan
1:12:44that were
1:12:46wise questions,
1:12:48really wise questions.
1:12:50They help get to know the individual
1:12:53and break through the facades that they
1:12:54are when they're first together.
1:12:57Really believe that would be a useful
1:12:58tool for most people.
1:13:00Because um
1:13:02you fabricate the the amygdala when it
1:13:04sees prey
1:13:06it creates a positive feedback system
1:13:08and a false positive in order to create
1:13:11adrenaline to be able to run fast enough
1:13:13to capture the prey.
1:13:15And so what we do is we generalize and
1:13:17distort and exaggerate the positives and
1:13:20have false negatives and subconscious
1:13:23disconfirming biases on the negatives at
1:13:25first
1:13:26to feed our fantasy
1:13:28instead of actually ground ourselves
1:13:30with quality questions.
1:13:32Better to get those questions out and
1:13:33save yourself enormous amounts of
1:13:35fantasy and um
1:13:37um
1:13:38unrealistic expectations.
1:13:40That's why the quality of our lives
1:13:41based on quality questions asked. If we
1:13:43ask quality questions
1:13:45So this this couple, this the prince and
1:13:47princess
1:13:48were doing something
1:13:50uh in in balancing out the romance with
1:13:54the reason.
1:13:55And making sure they got to know each
1:13:57other
1:13:58if this happened, how would you respond?
1:14:00If this happened, how would you respond?
1:14:02If I did this, how would you respond?
1:14:03And it was
1:14:05uh offloaded for traditional questioning
1:14:09so it wasn't an attack on them.
1:14:11It's just
1:14:13thought-provoking questions to make you
1:14:14aware of you as a human being
1:14:17transcending the delusive
1:14:19fantasies that society tends to impose
1:14:22on marriages.
1:14:24Which are
1:14:26costly in society.
1:14:29So it's
1:14:30it's a wise thing to do. That's why the
1:14:32quality of our lives based on quality
1:14:33questions.
1:14:35So I'm I'm a lover of
1:14:37questions because a question makes you
1:14:38conscious of what you're unconscious of.
1:14:40My questioning made you conscious of
1:14:42what you're unconscious of.
1:14:44And you feel you probably feel lighter
1:14:46now.
1:14:47Yeah.
1:14:49Anytime you have
1:14:51uh emotions and valency and charge
1:14:55and you're stored in the subconscious
1:14:57mind, which is the neural correlate,
1:14:58which is the amygdala and hippocampus,
1:15:01uh
1:15:02you create what is called entropic
1:15:03gravity.
1:15:04Eric Verlinde's work, if you want to
1:15:06look it up. You create entropic gravity
1:15:08and you weigh yourself down.
1:15:10It ages you. Aging is
1:15:12a the a result of entropy and the arrow
1:15:15of time separating memory and
1:15:16imagination
1:15:18in the sequential contrast of awareness.
1:15:21So, the second we bring those into
1:15:23synchronicity,
1:15:25we empower our life again. When a bank
1:15:27gives you a credit card and you go
1:15:29shopping and you get pleasure and 30
1:15:30days later you get pain,
1:15:32they help you become addict to
1:15:34consumerism because you assume you can
1:15:37get a pleasure without a pain.
1:15:39When I grew up, we had a layaway plan.
1:15:41You deferred gratification and you paid
1:15:44things and then when you paid it off,
1:15:45you finally got it.
1:15:47That is much healthier
1:15:49and much more stable for a society to
1:15:52have deferred gratification cuz
1:15:53immediate gratification cost long-term
1:15:56vision and
1:15:57deferred gratification pays.
1:15:59Investment-wise, relationship-wise, in
1:16:01every area of life, health-wise.
1:16:04So,
1:16:05separating the inseparables, dividing
1:16:07the indivisibles, labeling unlabelables,
1:16:09naming inevitables, and polarizing
1:16:10unpolarizables
1:16:12um
1:16:13go against what Empedocles and
1:16:15Heraclitus said
1:16:162,600 years ago and undermine human
1:16:19potential.
1:16:21So, I try to bring them back
1:16:25by the questions we ask.
1:16:28I'm sure you're familiar with this piece
1:16:29of literature, but everything you're
1:16:31saying right now is reminding me of one
1:16:32of my favorite quotes by Rainer Maria
1:16:34Rilke about learn to live the questions
1:16:37and maybe someday in the distant future
1:16:39you will will able to live in your way
1:16:41into the answer, or something like that.
1:16:43I'm butchering it, but everything you're
1:16:45saying it's it's really interesting. We
1:16:47want answers so desperately. I feel like
1:16:49as humans we want the pain, the
1:16:51suffering to be done, to be gone. And so
1:16:53every time you're talking about the
1:16:55quality of the questions, I just keep
1:16:56thinking about what he says in that in
1:16:59the letters to a young poet is the is
1:17:01the book.
1:17:02And he says,
1:17:03"Do not try to get get the answer." He
1:17:06basically says you if the answers were
1:17:07given to you, you wouldn't even be able
1:17:09to live them. So learn to love the
1:17:12questions, and I feel like that's what
1:17:14you so beautifully display in your
1:17:16career and what you did today and
1:17:18I think I may have to go to the seminar
1:17:20this weekend.
1:17:21>> [laughter]
1:17:23>> We'd love to have you.
1:17:25It's my mission. I've done it 1,246
1:17:28times. This will be 1,247 time I
1:17:30presented it.
1:17:31You keep such a distinct record of all
1:17:34the books you read. Who's doing this or
1:17:36how are you
1:17:37>> I do it every day.
1:17:38I document everything. This this show
1:17:41will be on in my gratitude journal. I
1:17:43have 9,378 pages of journal.
1:17:48Are you tracking this on like a computer
1:17:51and journal?
1:17:51>> Just a good old Word document. Oh,
1:17:53amazing.
1:17:55By the way, there's a 12-step program
1:17:56survivors of DeMartini you can join
1:17:58that.
1:17:59>> [laughter]
1:18:01>> Just less of a question, more of a
1:18:03observation and a how I I an epiphany
1:18:06that I had a few years ago going through
1:18:08a job loss and and someone told me that
1:18:10Chris, this is a gift and this you know
1:18:13bad negative thing that was happening to
1:18:14me and then I just re-lensed my whole
1:18:17life at that point in time going back
1:18:19and then of course going forward after
1:18:21that.
1:18:22Everything that you appear that appears
1:18:24to be negative or bad, it really truly
1:18:28is a gift. You see that it's like a a
1:18:30gift horse is giving you something new,
1:18:32giving you're going to grow from it.
1:18:34Something is going to happen. Walk
1:18:35through that door.
1:18:37and when uh
1:18:39if if it didn't happen, you would be
1:18:41stuck.
1:18:42So, thank you for having
1:18:44>> You just summarized and said in 10 words
1:18:47what I just took 300,000 words to say.
1:18:49>> [laughter]
1:18:51>> Your wisdom out Sean me on that one.
1:18:53Well, thank you. Thank you for being
1:18:54here. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.
1:18:57By the way, the word passion that so
1:19:00fervently is promoted today,
1:19:03if you if you look at its etymology, it
1:19:04comes from passio and pati. Pati,
1:19:08which means to suffer.
1:19:10Compassion means to suffer with
1:19:11somebody.
1:19:12I have no interest in passion or
1:19:15compassion or the affections that
1:19:17Aristotle warned against.
1:19:19I'm simply interested in helping people
1:19:21discover their mission.
1:19:25Missing the ions. The charges are not
1:19:27there.
1:19:28Missing the ions. Not passing between
1:19:30the ions.
1:19:33The dharmic path, not the karmic path.
1:19:38The equanimity of the Christian
1:19:41a construct
1:19:43or the
1:19:44myth or construct of the path of the
1:19:46sun. You could give a any religious
1:19:49construct or philosophical or perennial
1:19:50wisdom, you can see a way of saying the
1:19:52same thing.
1:19:54The unity of opposites.
1:19:57I remember in I think it was 1985, I saw
1:19:59an illustration in Time magazine when
1:20:01they used to do the little stories at
1:20:03the bottom, and it said that these
1:20:04scientists had actually discovered
1:20:06weightlessness, and they did a little
1:20:08diagram, and they showed I don't know if
1:20:10it's neurons, ions, zeons, whatever they
1:20:13are, but if all the positive ions were
1:20:15going in the same direction, and the
1:20:17negative ones were,
1:20:19you had weightlessness. You had that
1:20:22zero like kind of When you were saying
1:20:24that, that's what I was visualizing.
1:20:25But, when they're knocking against each
1:20:27other is when it drags you down.
1:20:30There's There's subtlety to what you're
1:20:32saying. There there the
1:20:34anti-gravitational effect of a
1:20:37non-charged state
1:20:39a photon
1:20:40is spaceless, timeless, massless, and
1:20:43chargeless.
1:20:45When it leaves the Milky Way and comes
1:20:46here 26,000 light-years away
1:20:49it arrives the same time it left.
1:20:53So, to somebody who's enlightened,
1:20:54there's no time.
1:20:56Timeless mind ages body.
1:20:58But, when the whenever you have charge,
1:21:00you have space, time, mass, and charge.
1:21:02You're living in a conditional state.
1:21:04Fermions versus bosons, they call it in
1:21:05physics.
1:21:06And when you do, you now are subject to
1:21:09mass.
1:21:10I call it mass consciousness
1:21:12versus master consciousness or
1:21:14enlightened consciousness.
1:21:16So, there is there is a dis-
1:21:18a beautiful way of integrating the
1:21:21particle physics world with the
1:21:23psychological world
1:21:25not just as a metaphor, but in deeper
1:21:27levels. As Erwin Schrödinger in his one
1:21:30mind construct unminded atoms that he
1:21:33wrote about he described. And he was a
1:21:35mystic from the Eastern Vedanta, but at
1:21:38the same time he was a great scientist
1:21:40and gave rise to the Schrödinger
1:21:42equation
1:21:43which
1:21:45is one of the greatest equations we know
1:21:47in physics.
1:21:49So, that it was the mystic and the
1:21:50scientist that join.
1:21:52True science and true religion don't
1:21:54fight.
1:21:55Pseudo-science and pseudo-religions are
1:21:57constantly fighting.
1:22:01Dr. DeMartini, if you don't tell us,
1:22:03we're going to keep you here forever.
1:22:05Do you need to leave at a certain time?
1:22:07>> to go. Okay. So
1:22:08>> they just they just notified me.
1:22:10>> notified you. Okay. Yeah, they just
1:22:12>> was told very specific instructions, not
1:22:13a minute after a certain time.
1:22:16>> My girlfriend just said the plane just
1:22:18touched ground. Okay. So, I'm I won't be
1:22:20in the doghouse if I don't pick her up.
1:22:22>> Okay, let's not We don't want that
1:22:23positive and negative energy.
1:22:25>> [laughter]
1:22:26>> Not not on us. Um
1:22:28I I just want to thank you for doing
1:22:29this. You and I just met over the
1:22:32internet a couple of weeks ago and
1:22:34you've been super generous to be here
1:22:36just shortly after us talking and I
1:22:38wanted to experience this. I wanted my
1:22:40friends and uh colleagues to experience
1:22:43it and I think it's truly remarkable and
1:22:45special. What I just wanted to say was I
1:22:47thought Okay, that was pretty deep and
1:22:49it just never ends and you were saying
1:22:51we're only on column two of 55 or
1:22:53something.
1:22:54Yeah, we just like we just scratched the
1:22:56surface. Like how you hold at it and
1:22:58just this dimension, that dimension. It
1:23:00was just really just
1:23:02just awesome to just witness and see and
1:23:05she worked through this path of starting
1:23:07from a deep place of resentment. I felt
1:23:09that when she said that because we've we
1:23:11know each other and how you moved her
1:23:13through all the different ways of not
1:23:15seeing this and and then having her just
1:23:18to come to the to the realization that
1:23:21there's a lot of gratitude. She owes a
1:23:23debt to this other woman, Deborah.
1:23:25Right? Because you would not be here had
1:23:28Deborah not set all these things into
1:23:29motion and I keep imagining that had she
1:23:32not spilled the beans on you, you'd be
1:23:33living with tremendous guilt that would
1:23:35be eating you up inside the entire
1:23:36marriage and it would crack one way or
1:23:38the other with or without her assistance
1:23:40and so I think she accelerated your
1:23:42growth.
1:23:43And it's hard to see that cuz we we'd
1:23:45rather blame people.
1:23:46>> that we go into it, the more profound
1:23:48magnificent appreciation you get. Mm.
1:23:50Wow. Okay. Thank you very much,
1:23:52everybody. Please give me a round of
1:23:53applause. Thank you. Let's listen to the
1:23:55applause.
1:24:00What color is it?
1:24:06Here you go.

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