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You Don't Have to Feel Capable to Be Capable — Transcript

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0:01Ladies and gentlemen, on my previous
0:03video, I talked about self-hatred and
0:05self-compassion.
0:07Uh about what happens when you've been
0:09using contempt for yourself as a
0:14productivity tool
0:16for long enough that you genuinely can
0:19tell the difference between discipline
0:20and abuse.
0:22And um I want to thank everyone for the
0:26amount of thought and honesty that all
0:28of you brought into the comments and uh
0:30into my DMs.
0:32[snorts] I noticed that some people are
0:36standing in this strange purgatory.
0:41Uh well, maybe you stopped actively
0:44destroying yourself, but now you're in
0:46this limbo between knowing that you're
0:49capable and actually trusting it.
0:52It's a strange place to be. It's It's a
0:55strange place to be because you can
0:59actively uh stop you can stop actively
1:02hating yourself and still feel like you
1:05haven't earned the right to feel good
1:07about anything.
1:09I just didn't know that this was
1:10something so common because you know
1:14you're capable. I mean, not only you
1:17know you're capable, but you also have
1:19evidence that you're capable.
1:21But somehow none of it feels sufficient.
1:26There's a thing your brain does that I
1:29don't really have a clean name for it. I
1:31mean the closest one I can think about
1:34is imposture syndrome but uh that only
1:37covers a fraction of it. Uh the rest,
1:40the perfectionism, the self-sabotage,
1:44uh the way praise makes you suspicious
1:47and criticism feels like the first
1:49honest thing anyone said to you all
1:50week. The comparison, the contingent,
1:54self-worth, the anxiety, depression,
1:56OCD, ADHD, all of it. All of it.
1:59All of it. Um they're all
2:04they're all tangled up in all of this.
2:06They're all tangled up in in all of
2:08this. and they deserve their own respect
2:11rather than being flattened into
2:12different flavors of the same disorder.
2:16All of it runs on the same engine and
2:19the engine is a mind that decided what
2:21the verdict was going to be before any
2:23evidence was entered into the record.
2:27If the evidence isn't enough, then what
2:30exactly are you waiting for?
2:33How much more would you have to
2:34accomplish before you finally believe
2:36it?
2:38Now ladies and gentlemen, I love
2:40philosophy. So if I'm completely honest
2:44with uh all of you by me practicing what
2:48I preach when it comes to philosophy,
2:50there are plenty of philosophers I could
2:52recommend here. Kamu, Kirkagard, Senica
2:55and and Epictitus, Nietze, Satre
2:59whatever all of them are absolutely
3:03worth reading. All of them are
3:05absolutely worth reading. But there's
3:07one philosopher which helped me
3:10understand this particular problem more
3:12than I expected.
3:14Personally, I found myself coming back
3:18to his ideas again and again
3:21um almost as a tool for my for
3:24understanding how I deal with self-doubt
3:27and my own perception of competence.
3:30And obviously what helps me isn't
3:33necessarily going to help everyone. I I
3:36[snorts] can't stress this enough. I'm
3:38not presenting this philosopher as some
3:40cure for insecurity or uh pretending
3:43that uh one way of thinking is going to
3:47magically fix something as complicated
3:49as self-doubt.
3:51I'm just telling you about one
3:53particular idea that gave me a framework
3:57that I found genuinely useful.
4:00And he's probably also the last one you
4:03expect in a conversation about
4:04self-doubt.
4:06Nicolo Machaveli.
4:09And yes, I know how that sounds. Uh I'll
4:12explain that later. But as bizarre as it
4:16sounds,
4:17when I was trying to make sense of this
4:19um
4:22conundrum,
4:23I kept coming back to Makaveli
4:26because something about the way he
4:28looked at the world actually made more
4:30sense to me than the way I had been
4:32looking at it myself.
4:35And that starts with understanding what
4:37the hell your brain is actually asking
4:38you when it asks whether you're good
4:41enough. Good enough. Now,
4:44that's the trap question. That's the
4:47trap question that we ask uh ask
4:49ourselves.
4:51When you ask yourself, am I good enough?
4:54That seems like a reasonable question.
4:56The kind of question where your own
4:58evidence should be able to answer it for
5:01you. You look at what you've done, you
5:04compare it to some standard, and
5:07basically just arrive at a conclusion.
5:09But if you pay close enough attention to
5:11what your mind is actually doing, you'll
5:14notice that
5:16what you're really asking is whether
5:18you're allowed to believe you're good
5:19enough. And no amount of evidence can
5:22answer a question about permission.
5:26Think about it. You accomplish something
5:29you genuinely worked your balls off,
5:32something that required skill and
5:34persistence. And instead of letting that
5:37count, your brain immediately starts
5:40looking for the exception, for an
5:42excuse,
5:44you start saying to yourself that you
5:46were just lucky and the circumstances
5:47were right or uh it wasn't as difficult
5:50as you think and I don't know, anyone
5:52could have done it. And even if none of
5:55those those uh thoughts work,
5:59uh there will be something else that
6:00your brain will find just something
6:02else.
6:04Somebody you respect tells you it
6:05mattered and your brain says they're
6:07just being generous.
6:09And the absurdity about this pattern is
6:12that you can see it happening. You can
6:14see it happening. You can stand there
6:16and watch your own mind dismiss the
6:19evidence in real time while narrating
6:20the whole process to yourself. I am
6:23currently finding a reason why this
6:26accomplishment doesn't really count.
6:28Even if I had to make that reason up
6:29myself
6:31and that awareness doesn't fix a [ __ ]
6:33thing because knowing you have a pattern
6:36and being able to interrupt it are two
6:38entirely separate skills. And the first
6:40one without the second one is basically
6:43a
6:44front row seat to your own slow motion
6:48psychological demolition.
6:57This is a [ __ ] up vicious cycle
7:00because what's the obvious response to
7:02not feeling good enough? Usually it
7:05means you should accomplish more, right?
7:08And accomplishing more actually works
7:11temporarily.
7:13There's this brief window where you're
7:15where the new achievement sits on your
7:17chest and you feel something close to
7:19peace temporarily.
7:22Then the baseline resets. The bar moves
7:26upward and suddenly the thing you just
7:29did, the thing that would have felt like
7:32a miracle to the version of you that
7:33existed two years ago
7:36is now just the new minimum.
7:39It's simply the floor you're expected to
7:42maintain.
7:45And before you even uh had time to
7:48appreciate what you've done, you're
7:50already trying to figure out what you
7:52need to accomplish next to feel like
7:55you're finally enough.
7:57Achievement, temporary relief, higher
8:01expectations,
8:02anxiety, more achievement, exhaustion,
8:06self-criticism, and This goes on on a
8:10loop. The cycle repeats itself on a
8:12loop.
8:14The thing that you need to understand
8:15about this cycle is that we think we're
8:19pursuing achievement in order to finally
8:21feel secure.
8:23But what we're actually doing is using
8:24achievement to renegotiate with our
8:27insecurity. And each renegotiation
8:31just buys us a little less time than the
8:35last one.
8:37We never become more secure. We become
8:40more productive at managing the feeling
8:42of not being secure. Which, by the way,
8:45from the outside looks exactly like
8:47ambition.
8:49But from the inside, inside of you, it
8:53looks like you're standing on a wheel,
8:55running on a wheel that someone keeps
8:57accelerating.
9:00If you describe this pattern to to
9:02yourself about another person, you'd
9:05recognize it immediately as something
9:07that needs addressing.
9:09But when it's happening inside your own
9:11head, it somehow passes for drive.
9:14The universe has this beautiful little
9:17cruelty where getting better at
9:20something makes you more aware of how
9:22much you still can't do. It doesn't
9:24necessarily make you feel more
9:26competent.
9:27A beginner looks at the skill and
9:29thinks, "Fuck yeah, I can handle this."
9:32Someone with 10 years of experience
9:34looks at the same skill and sees this
9:36enormous landscape moving further away.
9:40Because every layer, they understand
9:43reveals another beneath it. And the
9:46beginner can't even see the distance yet
9:49because you need a certain level of
9:51sophistic sophistication just to
9:53recognize how much sophistication you
9:56lack.
9:57So the more you grow, the larger the
9:59visible boundary of your own ignorance
10:01becomes.
10:03Which means, and this is [ __ ]
10:06comically ironic,
10:08the people who
10:11who are the most qualified to do the
10:13thing are often the people most
10:16painfully aware of everything they still
10:18can't do. While the people least
10:21qualified can move through the world
10:22with the serene certainty of someone who
10:25has never had the reason to question the
10:27limits of their own understanding.
10:30They don't see the horizon. So they
10:32assume there isn't one.
10:35That's the [ __ ] up part about uh
10:37competence because competence can make
10:40you more aware of your limitations
10:42precisely because competence gives you
10:44the eyes to see it.
10:46The person who knows enough to
10:48understand how much there is to know can
10:50uh can end up feeling less certain than
10:53the person who has never looked closely
10:55enough to notice what they're missing.
10:58So understand the distinction here. Your
11:01self-doubt can absolutely uh contain
11:05something real. You can absolutely [ __ ]
11:08up. You can absolutely have gaps. But
11:11that doesn't mean that the conclusion
11:12your mind keeps drawing from those
11:14things is true.
11:17The person stuck in this pattern can't
11:19make that distinction. Because once
11:21you've decided what you are, every
11:24imperfection starts to feel like a
11:26confirmation.
11:32So let's talk about Makaveli.
11:35Everyone quotes this man and almost
11:38nobody has actually read him.
11:41which is probably the safest way to
11:44enjoy Mchavelli
11:46because reading him tends to ruin the
11:48confidence with which people misquote
11:50him.
11:52The ends justify the means. He never
11:54wrote that exact phrase. It's not in the
11:56prince and it's not a quote in anywhere
12:01in his work.
12:03It's a later summary of ideas he
12:06actually did express.
12:08But the fact that the most famous thing
12:11Mchaveli supposedly said is something he
12:14never actually said in those words, that
12:17should tell you everything you need to
12:18know about how comfortable people are
12:21with replacing reality with a version of
12:24it that's actually easier to react to.
12:28The actual book is a cold eye
12:32examination
12:33of how power works when you stop
12:35pretending that good people always win.
12:38because they're good.
12:40And the reason it made everyone
12:42uncomfortable for 500 years is that
12:47honest analysis without the moral safety
12:50net
12:52looks a lot like um endorsements to
12:56people who would rather not think about
12:57it too carefully.
13:00Now in his book the prince and in
13:04history
13:05there's a person called chajare borgia.
13:08I don't know if I'm pronouncing the name
13:10correctly but [ __ ] it. And uh his whole
13:13story is relevant to what we're talking
13:17about.
13:18Borgi's extraordinary position was
13:21possible by his father's power. His dad
13:25was literally the pope,
13:28which is a fairly sub uh sub substantial
13:31head start. Most people get a father who
13:34tells them to get a job.
13:37Borgia or Borga uh got the father who
13:42could apparently rearrange the whole
13:44political landscape of Italy.
13:48Machaveli doesn't [ __ ] about this.
13:50He he's very clear that Borgi's starting
13:53position was l luck and circumstance.
13:56The kind of advantage advantage most
13:58people will never have access to.
14:01But then he looks at what Borg actually
14:05did once he had the position, how he
14:08consolidated and how he handled threats.
14:12And he's read on it is basically
14:15somewhere uh along the lines of this.
14:18This man was given an enormous advantage
14:21by accident. And what he did with that
14:24advantage showed real capacity.
14:26The luck and the ability coexisted
14:29without canceling each other out.
14:33Now think about your own self version of
14:35uh of that for example. Because the way
14:40self-doubt operates, if you were born
14:43here, you'd be sitting there going, "Oh,
14:46my dad was the Pope, so ultimately none
14:49of this counts because I didn't really
14:51earn any of it."
14:54And anyone who thinks I'm capable is
14:56just seeing the resources my father gave
14:58me. And that logic feels airtight from
15:02the inside.
15:04except the resources and the competence
15:08are separate uh variables.
15:12>> Having advantages doesn't retroactively
15:14disqualify what you did with them. And
15:17Machavel's entire framework is built on
15:20the recognition that luck and capability
15:23operate simultaneously.
15:26What matters is what someone does with
15:28the circumstances they've been given and
15:30not whether those circumstances were
15:32fair.
15:34Makaveli built his entire understanding
15:37of this on two concepts and uh this is
15:40uh why I keep coming back to him when
15:43every other philosopher I've read has
15:46something valuable to say about
15:47self-doubt but none of them explain this
15:50particular problem with the same clarity
15:52to me.
15:54So fortuna is the luck fortuna is the
15:59circumstance.
16:01Fortuna is everything that happens to
16:03you regardless whether you plan for it.
16:07Makavelli says that fortune
16:11uh governs roughly half [snorts] of
16:13human affairs
16:15leaving the other half or close to it to
16:18us.
16:20Which is refreshing because most
16:22motivational content threatens luck like
16:26an excuse invented by people who aren't
16:28trying hard enough. While self-doubt
16:32treats luck like a disqualification,
16:36apparently you were supposed to believe
16:38that successful people simply outwork
16:40the laws of of uh probability.
16:44Mchavelli just says uh yeah roughly half
16:47of what happens to to you is out of your
16:50hands. That's reality. Deal with it. And
16:53then there's vu which the English world
16:57uh the English word virtue will send you
17:00in completely in the completely wrong
17:02direction here. You have to forget moral
17:05goodness uh forget uh about
17:07righteousness.
17:09Vu is something closer to adaptive
17:12capacity.
17:14the ability to respond to whatever
17:15situation you're actually in and somehow
17:18make something of it even when the
17:21circumstances are working against you
17:23and the plan you had in your head is
17:25already dead.
17:27It's what kicks in when reality stops
17:29cooperating and you have to figure
17:31things out as you go. You improvise, you
17:35[ __ ] it up, you adjust, adapt, whatever.
17:38And eventually
17:40you develop the ability to handle what
17:43would have overwhelmed you before.
17:47The reason I mentioned V uh VU is
17:50because I was stuck in the same loop
17:53explaining away everything that went
17:55well and treating every failure as the
17:58real truth about who I am.
18:02But for the purpose of this problem,
18:05there's something important about VU. It
18:08doesn't require you to feel confident.
18:12Makaveli's framework asks what the ruler
18:14actually does when circumstances change.
18:19Not whether a ruler feels confident,
18:22which makes sense because history is a
18:25graveyard of people who had every reason
18:27to doubt themselves. It buried them
18:29anyway.
18:31That was the breakthrough for me. I
18:34spent years reading philosophy trying to
18:38find some framework that would make the
18:40self-doubt make sense. Albert Camo
18:43helped. Absolutely. The Stoics also
18:45helped. Uh Kirkagards, Sat Nosttoski,
18:49all of them, especially DSTski because
18:53DSTski understands the voice in your
18:55head. But Makaveli is more interested in
18:58what you do while it's talking.
19:02Um anyway, all of them still left me
19:06asking some version of do I feel like I
19:09deserve this? And that question is a
19:12trap because it's designed to produce a
19:15no every single time indefinitely.
19:19Mchaveli's version of the same question
19:22strips the feelings out entirely.
19:25What were you given? What have you done
19:27with it? And what can you do from here?
19:31You might feel like a fraud the entire
19:34time. Fine, your feelings are noted and
19:36will be ignored. But what are you going
19:38to do?
19:41The other reason Makaveli works for this
19:43specific problem is that the prince is
19:46fundamentally concerned with people
19:48operating inside circumstances they
19:50can't control.
19:52people who inherit conditions they
19:55didn't choose and then have to figure
19:56out what to do with them.
19:59In other words, reality gives you the
20:02hands and Mchaveli is basically asking
20:05why you're still staring at the cards.
20:08It's a field manual for action under
20:10uncertainty,
20:12which is exactly why I find it so useful
20:14here.
20:17The person caught in this self-doubt, in
20:20this self-doubt spiral, keeps asking,
20:24"Do I feel like I belong here?" So, if
20:27you take Monkey Valley seriously, that
20:30question becomes offensively relevant.
20:33What matters is the situation you're in
20:35and what you're capable of,
20:38what you can actually do with what
20:39you've been given.
20:42Because your feelings about your own
20:44competence are going to lag behind
20:45reality. sometimes for years, maybe the
20:49rest of your [ __ ] life.
20:52If you keep waiting for the feeling to
20:53arrive before you give yourself
20:55permission to act, you will spend your
20:58entire life standing outside the door
21:01that was never locked.
21:09Human beings have this desperate need
21:11for the person who creates something
21:12beautiful to be beautiful themselves.
21:15People rarely separate the art from the
21:18artists. Human beings want the painter
21:21to match the painting and the writer to
21:23embody the wisdom they put on the page.
21:26But history proves otherwise.
21:29For example, Karavaju. Karavaju
21:32fundamentally changed what light and
21:33shadow could do in a painting. His work
21:36carries an emotional violence that still
21:38stops people in galleries four centuries
21:40later. However, he was also a murderer.
21:44He killed a man and spent his last years
21:46as a fugitive.
21:48Dstvki, another perfect example. He
21:51wrote Crime and Punishment and The
21:52Brothers Karamazov. Novels so
21:55psychologically deep that people are
21:57still using them to understand guilt and
21:59obsession. People are still using them
22:01to understand the architecture of
22:03self-destruction.
22:05And the man who spent his life
22:06dissecting the human mind was a [ __ ]
22:09gambling addict. The same mind that
22:12mapped the interior landscape of guilt
22:14with surgical precision would sit down
22:16at the casino, lose everything, borrow
22:19money from his friends, lose that [ __ ]
22:22too, and then he would go home and write
22:24another three chapters about compulsion
22:26that would make psychiatrics weep.
22:30He could dissect the human mind on paper
22:33and couldn't control his own hands when
22:35the wheel started spinning.
22:37And I bring them up not because their
22:39talent redeems their character. It
22:42doesn't. Talent has never redeemed
22:44character, but because people trapped in
22:47self-doubt make the inverse of the same
22:51mistake that people make when they
22:53demand moral purity from artists.
22:57If you believe creation and character
22:59must be perfectly consistent and you
23:01know your own character is flawed, then
23:04the conclusion writes itself. Anything
23:07you produce must be uh contaminated by
23:10your imperfection. So, you'd better wait
23:12until you've resolved every
23:13contradiction and healed every wound
23:15before you're allowed to make something
23:16that someone else might find valuable.
23:19Except the people who made the things we
23:21still give a [ __ ] about weren't finished
23:23people. They were [ __ ] up. Absolutely
23:26[ __ ] up. They were pieces of [ __ ]
23:28addicts, cowards, [ __ ] hypocrites,
23:32sometimes genuinely terrible human
23:34beings who somehow still made things
23:36that nobody else could have made.
23:39And we're sitting here waiting for some
23:42future version of ourselves that has it
23:44all figured out before we allow
23:46ourselves to start. That version is
23:48never coming. It has never come for
23:51everyone. For anyone. If you keep
23:53waiting until you're finally worthy of
23:55making something, you can spend your
23:57entire life waiting for a person who was
23:59never going to exist. The only person
24:01who gets to make the thing is the man
24:03standing here right now. And that has
24:06always been enough to start.
24:15We all had people in our lives where
24:17they take your honesty and call it
24:18manipulation. They take what you're
24:21building and decide its performance. And
24:23then you start asking their questions
24:25lying awake in the middle of the night.
24:28Am I a hypocrite? Am I doing the things
24:31they said that I'm doing? And you can't
24:34tell whether that doubt was on a
24:36self-reflection or someone else's
24:38projection that you accidentally
24:39internalized as your own because those
24:42two things feel exactly the same when
24:44you're in the middle of them. I actually
24:47had a similar situation recently. But
24:49then I asked myself a very simple
24:51question. Why the [ __ ] would I ever let
24:54the judgment of someone I don't aspire
24:56to be determine how I judge myself when
24:59this is someone whose life I would never
25:01trade for? Someone whose choices I don't
25:04respect. Someone who in all honesty
25:08represents almost everything I'm trying
25:10not to become.
25:12Now, I want to be careful here because
25:15the lazy version of this idea is just
25:17[ __ ] the haters, ignore everyone, which
25:19is just pure narcissism. That's ego
25:22protection.
25:24If someone whose life you respect and
25:27trusts, someone who genuinely gives a
25:29[ __ ] about you, then you should shut the
25:30[ __ ] up and listen, especially when it
25:33stinks. Because the criticism that hurts
25:36the most is usually the most accurate.
25:38And your ego is not a good enough reason
25:41to dismiss information that could save
25:43you years of unnecessary suffering.
25:46That's just love speaking in a dialect
25:48that's hard to hear.
25:50But when the person doubting you is
25:52someone whose own life is a cautionary
25:54tale, someone whose behavior is the
25:57precise blueprint of who you're trying
25:59not to become. When that person mocks
26:02you or uh uh tries to reduce your
26:05sincerity to strategy, you need to step
26:08back far enough to see the comedy of the
26:10situation.
26:12You're letting the walking embodiment of
26:14everything you want to avoid serve as
26:16the judge of who you are.
26:19Their criticism isn't a verdict on you.
26:22Their criticism is a self-portrait.
26:25And sometimes the most useful thing
26:27another person can do for you is show
26:29you with total clarity exactly who you
26:33should never become.
26:35And then there's the last trap which is
26:39wanting to prove them wrong because I'll
26:42show them feels powerful. It feels
26:45powerful but it still has their opinion
26:48at the center.
26:50You've rejected what they think about
26:53you, but you're still navigating by it.
26:57Proving someone wrong is still
26:58performing for them. And the most
27:02disorienting freedom you'll experience
27:04is where you realize you don't need to
27:06win the argument because you've stopped
27:08giving a [ __ ] whether they were ever
27:10right.
27:13But let me say this again because
27:15without it uh everything I just said
27:18becomes a license to build a fortress
27:20around your ego and basically just
27:22calling it growth.
27:24Rejecting unqualified criticism is not
27:28the same thing as becoming immune to all
27:30criticism.
27:32Recognizing that your self-doubt is
27:35distorted is not the same thing as
27:38concluding that you're beyond reproach.
27:42There's a point between self-destruction
27:45and self- worship that most people blow
27:48right past because the middle ground is
27:51the hardest place to stand. It requires
27:54you to hold two things at the same time.
27:58I have genuine limitations. I am
28:00sometimes wrong.
28:03Uh my work uh is not always as good as I
28:06want it to be. And none of that erases
28:09what I've actually built or invalidates
28:11what I'm actually capable of.
28:15Honest self assessment means you can
28:18look at yourself clearly without the
28:20assessment becoming an execution.
28:23You can acknowledge a flaw without
28:25generalizing it into a life sentence.
28:30You can receive criticism without either
28:34dismissing it completely or absorbing it
28:36into the foundation of your identity.
28:40And you can do all of that without
28:43pretending you're infallible
28:46because the moment you start believing
28:48your own mythology is the moment you
28:50become the person on the other side of
28:52this conversation.
28:54The one whose confidence is built on the
28:58absence of self-examination rather than
29:01the presence of genuine competence.
29:11There's something Carl Jung said in one
29:13of his seminars that I keep returning to
29:15and it gets worse every time. By which I
29:19mean more accurate, which in Jung's case
29:21is always the same thing. He said that
29:24to love yourself, to love what you are,
29:28the thing that it's yourself, it's like
29:30embracing a red hot iron. It burns into
29:34you. And the burning is the point. And
29:37that's why we escape into loving other
29:39people first. Because extending warmth
29:42outward is infinitely easier than
29:44turning it inward and facing whatever
29:47the [ __ ] is actually underneath the
29:49carefully maintained image of someone
29:52who has their [ __ ] together.
29:54And he said, "You can run from yourself
29:58for a while, whether if it's into
30:00relationships or into being needed,
30:02whatever it is, but eventually you run
30:05out of places to hide and you have to
30:07come back." And the experiment is
30:11whether you can tolerate being with
30:12yourself when no one else is watching.
30:16And I think that's the thing that none
30:18of the rest of it can solve.
30:21You can succeed at everything external
30:23and still not be able to sit alone in a
30:25room with yourself without reaching for
30:27the next distraction
30:29because the person you become when
30:32there's no task behind is someone you've
30:36been avoiding for as long as you can
30:37remember.
30:39And if that's the case, then the whole
30:42achievement treadmill was never about
30:44proving your competence in the first
30:46place.
30:48It was an elaborate avoidance strategy
30:51which you label as ambition.
30:54And the thing you were avoiding was
30:56never failure. It was you.
31:00Your feelings are allowed to disagree
31:02with the evidence. They are going to
31:04disagree with the evidence probably
31:06always because the wiring that taught
31:09you to doubt yourself was installed long
31:12before you had anything to point to. And
31:15old wiring doesn't update just because
31:16the data changed. But your feelings
31:19don't get to overrule it. They get a
31:22voice, sometimes an overwhelming one,
31:26but they don't get veto power over
31:28everything you've done and everything
31:29you are.
31:32Am I good enough? You've been good
31:33enough for longer than you know. The
31:36evidence was always there. You just kept
31:39finding reasons not to look at it.
31:42I don't think the real question was ever
31:44about being good enough. I think the
31:46real question was whether you were going
31:47to stop asking whether there was ever
31:50going to be a moment where the doubt
31:52finally went quiet and you could just
31:54exhale and say, "Okay, now I know where
31:56I am now. I can rest." That moment
32:00doesn't come because you're not
32:01finished. You will never be finished.
32:05you're going to be uh contradictory and
32:07flawed and capable of extraordinary
32:10things while still being a [ __ ] mess
32:12for as long as you're breathing.
32:14That was never a problem to solve. That
32:17was always what it means to be human.
32:21Every great thing ever made by by by by
32:24someone, it was made by someone who
32:27wasn't ready, someone still burning,
32:30still unfinished, and they made it
32:32anyway.
32:34That anyway, building something while
32:37you're still convinced you have no right
32:39to is the most defiant and beautiful
32:42thing a human being can do.

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