YT YouTube2Text

YouTube2Text → Transcripts → Yalom’s Cure: The Search for Happiness & Meaning | Full Documentary

Yalom’s Cure: The Search for Happiness & Meaning | Full Documentary — Transcript

by The Documentary Collection · 7,430 words · 1,228 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

Open in transcriber Summarize with AI Download SRT/VTT

Full transcript

0:19[Music]
0:35[Music]
1:32[Music]
1:42In therapy, sometimes I've used the
1:44exercise of drawing a line on a sheet of
1:46paper.
1:48One end is your birth and one end is
1:50your death. And where are you now?
1:53[Music]
1:59[Music]
2:05[Music]
2:14And that may be shocking for people, but
2:17it helps them take a look that there is
2:19a schedule.
2:21[Music]
2:26And as we look back on our life, what do
2:28we feel about it?
2:35[Music]
2:50Most people have some regrets.
2:53Many people will be filled with regrets.
2:55There's so much about their life that
2:56they regret having done or not having
2:59done.
3:04Then you can get some therapeutic
3:05leverage by beginning to raise the
3:08question, well suppose we were to meet a
3:10year from now.
3:14What could you do during this year so
3:16you'd live a regret-free life?
3:53The idea of knowing oneself or curiosity
3:57about oneself is kind of a function of
3:59the kind of brain we have. I think it's
4:01inbuilt into us and we search all the
4:03time.
4:09The more that we know ourselves, the
4:11better lives we can live. And when we
4:14get into trouble, very often it's the
4:17expression of parts of ourselves that we
4:19don't know very well.
4:25I've been doing psychotherapy for over
4:2850 years now.
4:30One way I think of myself is I'm a guide
4:32on this voyage of self-exloration.
4:36And I'm a guide because I've been there
4:40before. You know, guides usually people
4:44taken this trip many times and I have
5:01>> there are unconscious forces in us.
5:05And that was what Freud introduced that
5:08we should attempt to understand
5:09ourselves to get our unconscious
5:12illuminated see what's there.
5:17He postulated that if we're not
5:19understanding ourselves well then a lot
5:21of our baser animal instincts can be in
5:24play a lot leading to a lot of violence
5:27and unhappy sexual expression and
5:30pursuits.
5:36And once we can understand that tends to
5:39take the fuel out of the neurotic
5:41symptoms and gradually they dissipate.
5:48[Music]
5:52When Stford fully explored oneself,
5:55there's always more. we begin to look at
5:57the whole issues of how it comes to pass
6:00that he thinks there's no further area
6:01to explore. So that's an area to
6:03explore.
6:07Your life is a witness to the power of
6:09stories. What are some of the
6:11interesting twists or surprises that
6:13have occurred in the story line of your
6:15own life?
6:17>> My own life.
6:18>> Your own life. Your real life.
6:23Well,
6:25the the first
6:29twist is
6:31the first twist that comes to my mind is
6:33a day like today,
6:36you know, I get a lot of applause and a
6:38lot of honor, but there's a part of me
6:40for which this is very unreal.
6:45My parents were uneducated entirely.
6:50So I always feel I don't have any
6:52foundation behind me.
6:54It's a little destabilizing and no
6:57matter how much success I have or how
6:59piping my books are, there's always a
7:01little uneasiness. Is this really me?
7:04Have I really done this? So that that's
7:06the strongest answer I can give to your
7:08question.
7:12>> They came from Poland.
7:15They wanted us to be Americans. At the
7:17same time they really wanted us to be
7:19Jews and religious
7:21and the name of my father's
7:24was seltz
7:28in Washington they had a seltzer society
7:31and all the people came from seltzor
7:33together and that was my parents click
7:35they they only knew people from there
7:40the family lived very much in a ghetto
7:42Yeah,
7:47>> my mother once she came I did a one of
7:50my first presentations at a big American
7:52psychiatric conference and then I was
7:55taking questions from the audience and
7:57my mother got so nervous she just
7:58couldn't stay in the room because so
8:00afraid I wouldn't know the answer to the
8:02questions.
8:08>> I'm sure she didn't read the books. She
8:11couldn't understand them and her English
8:12was too bad and and much later in life
8:16she was pretty nearly blind but she held
8:19the books and smelled the books.
8:29My mother was not an easy person. No one
8:33got along with her very well.
8:37She disapproved of almost anything I
8:39did, but it was never any idea of what I
8:42should be doing.
8:46She never had a nice word to say about
8:49anyone.
8:52There were a couple of years really
8:54where I hardly ever talked to her. Maybe
8:57years 15 to 17. I just we lived in the
9:01same house, but I we hardly exchanged
9:02any words together. It was it was pretty
9:05bad relationship.
9:08I think I just had to protect myself
9:09that way.
9:13Could I have done anything to make her
9:15life happier? Well, I probably should
9:17have been talking to her those two
9:18years.
9:27My father had a heart attack when I was
9:30a teenager.
9:34My mother, she was hysterical at that
9:37point and my father looked like he was
9:38in terrible shape and she was yelling at
9:40me that I had killed him.
9:43And then the Dr. Manchester came and he
9:46related very well to me. I remember his
9:49tals my hair, put his hand on my head. I
9:53remember his letting me listen to the
9:54stethoscope and his reassuring us and
9:57that kind of tremendous relief I had
10:00from his presence. That was something
10:02that I really thought was so powerful. I
10:04wanted to be able to pass it on to other
10:06people.
10:08So if I if you're asking me for a time
10:12when I first decided to be a doctor,
10:14that would be it.
10:17[Music]
10:30I can't get my mother out of my mind in
10:32a sense and there's almost a yearning to
10:34be with her.
10:38Grief is more difficult with people with
10:41whom you have unfinished business.
10:46When the death comes, the conflict is
10:49frozen in time.
10:53[Music]
10:55Hallelujah.
10:58[Music]
11:23[Music]
11:36The great majority of patients that come
11:39to see me, they fall into despair
11:41because they're not able to form an
11:44intimate, a nurturing, lengthy
11:47relationship with other people.
11:53[Music]
11:56If we don't fully understand ourselves,
11:58I think that we also may not fully
12:01understand others or appreciate others.
12:11[Music]
12:20What do you think all of Europe to see
12:23this?
12:26>> After all, in the middle of a film, it's
12:28going to look rather um
12:32academic or philosophical. My Martin,
12:36have them discover that you're a real
12:38flesh and bald person with nothing to
12:41hide.
12:46[Music]
12:50>> I bet you're having such a good time.
12:51>> I'm having a good time.
12:52>> Usually you won't get in here and all of
12:54a sudden you're hopping in.
12:55>> Well, why not?
12:56>> I think you're an exhibitionist.
12:57>> Well, maybe. Maybe it's possible.
13:00>> If I don't have an audience, what was
13:02the point?
13:03>> Right.
13:08I met Irv when I was 14.
13:14We liked some of the same authors,
13:17Dustfski,
13:18Dickens, and Steinbeck.
13:25>> I was absolutely certain of it. This was
13:27the right woman for me.
13:33It's not that I had a lot of girlfriends
13:35to choose from and she was the best. So,
13:37so we'll say that because I was pretty
13:40shy about that time and awkward and
13:42never thought I was very attractive.
13:44>> It's funny, it was not his looks that I
13:46fell in love with. But his personality,
13:50he was interesting. He was always
13:53interesting.
13:55Some of the girls thought he was a bit
13:57of a nerd, although we wouldn't have
13:59used the that word at that time.
14:01>> You know, I wasn't cool uh in that way
14:04and I couldn't dance.
14:06>> And I think the other
14:10strong point that he had was that he
14:12liked me
14:15and that was very clear from the
14:17beginning and he seemed
14:21very safe. I mean, we went steady, if
14:25you can use that term, all the way
14:27through uh high school. And I was going
14:31steady. There were times maybe she
14:32wasn't going steady uh but I was. And
14:36then um then she went to college uh at
14:40Welssley.
14:46We met when we were very very young.
14:50Regardless of what you think, I should
14:52now regret it very much if during the
14:55past six years I had not known and
14:57enjoyed other males. This period of
15:01light flirtation has certainly added to
15:03my life as a woman and has given me the
15:06assurance that I could handle myself
15:09quite adequately with most gentlemen.
15:13Unfortunately, you couldn't see that my
15:16enjoyment of others did not in any way
15:19lessen my feelings for you. The fact of
15:22the matter is that I can enjoy and
15:24benefit from my relationships with
15:26others while you do not. Or at least you
15:30have never given yourself a chance to
15:32find out.
15:35>> I studied all the time. College and
15:38medical school were horrors for me.
15:41The medical schools would only take 5%
15:43of their class for Jews. So that meant I
15:47really had to have a very good record to
15:49get in.
15:52I think that there are some people who
15:55have a stream of anxiety inside of them
16:00that in Irv's case it probably
16:05expressed itself in being impatient
16:09or in
16:11feeling somehow that had to prove
16:14himself in life. Um
16:19there wasn't a great deal of ease in
16:22him.
16:29You know, I was living with a lot of
16:31anxiety from the outsider wanting to be
16:33an insider.
16:35I was very pressed to get out of the
16:37world I was in, yet out of the ghetto in
16:39a way.
16:46When I started medical school, I was in
16:49a tremendous hurry to get through, get
16:51married, nail down this nicel looking
16:53woman that I had met that I liked very
16:55much and wanted to make sure she didn't
16:56get away.
17:05I was terribly anxious, had problem
17:07sleeping, and it was all these things
17:09that I began to work on in my therapy.
17:13[Music]
17:20The therapists are in therapy their
17:21entire lives.
17:25So learning and changing, growing is
17:28kind of part of our lifelong education.
17:31So knowing oneself, you know, is very
17:34important.
17:35Socrates Socrates spent a lot of time
17:39teaching that and I I agree very much
17:41with him.
17:42[Music]
18:13I have a patient now that has come in
18:17because of a lot of obsessions that he
18:19has.
18:20He's got to keep checking numbers and
18:22checking figures and having magical
18:24thoughts in his mind.
18:28But underneath there is a lot of rage.
18:33So gradually this patient is getting
18:35into some of his angry thoughts, angry
18:38thoughts about his parents.
18:40It's very very hard for him to express
18:42these.
18:46He's full of fear when he talks about
18:48it. There's a lot of shame because he
18:50ought to have a great deal of respect
18:52and love for his parents and yet in fact
18:55he doesn't.
19:05[Music]
19:13There's all kinds of reasons why you
19:15can't face some of these things that are
19:17inside of you.
19:21People are ashamed.
19:24People uh imagine what the other will
19:27think if they were to disclose something
19:30and they'd be rejected or scorned or
19:32humiliated in some way.
19:35But in therapy, people begin to learn
19:38that the kinds of things they worry
19:40about are the sort of things that
19:41everybody worries about.
19:43They're not so different.
19:46It's like welcome to the human race sort
19:48of feeling.
20:08[Music]
20:37I think it's a therapy dream,
20:40but it's a little bit tangled. And I
20:42think it's my mother's apartment, but
20:45I'm still not sufficiently comfortable
20:47that I'm willing to be undressed in her
20:49bed with her soon to be there or coming
20:53home soon. I'm still guarded. There's
20:56still
20:56>> sometimes we're talking about they're
20:58growing up and their parents.
21:00>> It's important for people to begin to
21:02understand their parents and understand
21:04what their parents were going through,
21:06too. perhaps dream for money.
21:07>> The parents are exposed to certain kinds
21:09of parents and it's passed on, you know,
21:11from generation to generation.
21:14>> And what we hope to do is to try and and
21:16break the cycle.
21:19>> But I'm willing to punch my hands in.
21:26>> I didn't want to repeat the cycle of a
21:28passive father and a overly aggressive
21:31mother by choosing someone who was not
21:33going to be aggressive.
21:37Marilyn is someone who has her own mind,
21:41but there's no ever any attempts to
21:43overpower me.
21:56My father started a tiny little grocery
21:59store in Washington DC.
22:06They worked unbelievably hard. They
22:09worked early in the morning till the
22:11store closed at 10 at night.
22:14And I was always very annoyed with him
22:16that he had to do what my mother said.
22:22It was a pretty bad section of town I
22:24grew up in. Outdoors. It was not so safe
22:26out there. Not necessarily from the
22:29blacks in the neighborhood, but also
22:30from the redneck whites.
22:39The library was quite safe.
22:45The biographies were alphabetized A to
22:47Z. And I just started reading all the
22:51biographies from A on
22:58And it always filled me with sadness not
23:01having any kind of guidance.
23:04[Music]
23:08There's a sense of taking a lot of pride
23:11in the fact that you've been your own
23:12creator, you've been your own father,
23:14you've been your own mentor. That that
23:16can give you a lot of satisfaction. On
23:18the other hand, there's this longing and
23:22maybe a kind of early life longing for a
23:24mentor or a parent who would have guided
23:26you and taken you along all this way.
23:51When I was a teenager, it was very
23:53strong with me that the best thing a
23:55person could do in their life was to
23:57write a really good novel.
24:04When I went to medical school, it was
24:06with the idea I'm not psychiatric.
24:09That's as close as I can get to Toltoy
24:11and Dasti.
24:13They were great psychologists.
24:17I thought I could use what they could
24:20teach us about that and looking for
24:22patients and I could begin to use my
24:24experience perhaps in my own writing.
24:33I could see that psychiatry could be a
24:36place that I could write.
24:40And almost everything I've written since
24:42then and all the books of stories or
24:44novels I've written have been books that
24:47have illuminated some aspect of how
24:50psychotherapy works.
25:11I started my psychiatric residency at
25:13Johns Hopkins.
25:17>> At that point, it was all due regard
25:20really for people to have a personal
25:22analysis.
25:26I started my training right away with a
25:29Freudian analyst
25:31for 3 years about 700 hours. as I lay on
25:34her couch and preassociated and she was
25:38basically as as analysts were a blank
25:41screen heavily unengaged made only
25:43interpretations
25:45and frankly it was of very little use
25:47for me. uh I I kept feeling all the time
25:50this is a really bad model for
25:52psychotherapy
25:54and uh 700 errors is costly way to learn
25:57that but I I think I learned how not to
25:59be with patients
26:01>> but I remember just the dream of leaning
26:04forward and brushing
26:05>> your hair was pulled forward you were
26:07brushing your hair you want to get your
26:08mother out of your hair that's what
26:11>> I feel like you need to be much more
26:12engaged and you need to form an
26:14authentic genuine relationship with the
26:17patient
26:19The therapist is both participant. I'm
26:21participating in this relation but
26:23observer.
26:26You know, I I think that the the model
26:29that the therapist set for a patient,
26:32the the intimacy and the connection that
26:35that gets put into the patient's mind
26:37and he uses that as a reference point in
26:40her reference point for how he relates
26:42to other intimate relationships in his
26:45life.
26:47I'm a surgeon. I look at facts.
26:51I I work with facts to help other
26:53people.
26:56Now, I I'm not a surgeon anymore.
27:00I'll never practice again.
27:03The stroke has ruined me. I I even have
27:06to learn how to walk again.
27:08I don't know what I'm going to do.
27:15I'm confused.
27:19I don't even know what my body's telling
27:21me.
27:24Whether the pain that I feel is
27:26something to worry about or not.
27:32I'm um
27:38uncertain about
27:40what's going to happen next.
27:51George, I know this hasn't been easy for
27:53you. I but I I feel you've shared a
27:55whole lot. I I feel very moved by what
27:57you've said. Feel a lot closer to you.
27:59Feel like I I kind of know exactly what
28:02you're going through.
28:06>> I guess so. But it's
28:07>> I really did that today.
28:09>> It sure is hard.
28:13I um got interested early on in in my
28:16training in in group therapy
28:19and uh one of my teachers was a name
28:21named Jerome Frank who had been a
28:23pioneer in in group therapy and I
28:26watched him lead a group through a
28:28one-way mirror. They were very new at
28:29that point. We couldn't have been much
28:31bigger than about 6 in. And all of us
28:33had our heads crammed up trying to see
28:35through that that mirror. and then we'd
28:37meet with him afterwards and then later
28:39if he were out of town or something he
28:41asked me to lead the group for him. So
28:43that was my first introduction to group
28:45therapy
28:50and later when I was appointed to the
28:53faculty of psychiatry at Stamford
28:55University I started right away to teach
28:58in the field of group psychotherapy.
29:01[Music]
29:09All the students had to leave a group
29:11for a year and had to watch my group
29:13through a one-way mirror.
29:18[Music]
29:31And about that time there was a movement
29:33sweeping the this country. They were
29:35saying you know psychotherapy is too
29:38good to be used just for the sick.
29:42[Music]
29:47I was very heavily involved in that
29:49movement. We did a big study at
29:52Stanford. We had 150 students, some of
29:55them going to groups and we studied what
29:57happened to them. So I had a lot of
30:00material to do a lot of research how
30:02groups worked.
30:07[Music]
30:18I was one of the first who did groups
30:20with people suffering from terminal
30:22cancer.
30:24These were hard groups to lead. Uh it
30:27certainly confronted me with my own
30:29anxiety. Nobody experiences this kind of
30:33work without feeling feeling shaken up.
30:41that's written about this group that I
30:43first formed, the very first one where
30:45people had different kinds of illnesses.
30:4862 years old, embittered, gravely ill
30:52with leukemia, Evelyn was wheeled into
30:55the group with a blood transfusion in
30:58process.
31:01She was candid about her illness. She
31:03knew she was dying. I can accept that,
31:06she said. that it no longer matters. But
31:08what does matter is my daughter. She's
31:12poisoning my final days.
31:16After her daughter, caring for Evelyn's
31:18cat, had fed it the wrong food. They had
31:22not spoken to one another.
31:25After hearing her out, S spoke to her
31:29simply and passionately.
31:31Listen to what I have to say, Evelyn.
31:34I'm dying, too. What does it matter what
31:37your cat eats? What does it matter who
31:39gives in first? You know, you don't have
31:42much time left. Let's stop pretending.
31:45Your daughter's love is the most
31:46important thing in the world to you.
31:49Don't die. Please don't die without
31:52telling her that.
31:56It'll poison her life. She'll never
31:58recover.
32:00And she'll pass on that poison to her
32:03daughter.
32:05Break the cycle. Break the cycle,
32:07Evelyn.
32:11The appeal worked.
32:13It was our group's first triumph.
32:17And then one patient said during during
32:20the group, what a pity it was, I had to
32:22wait till now till my body was riddled
32:25with cancer to learn how to live. So a
32:28coral area of that is, well, is there a
32:30way we can help people learn that
32:31earlier? And that became a major motif
32:34for me in my work.
32:38[Music]
32:46People may not be aware of what they do
32:49that distances them from other people.
32:52That's why feedback is so useful in
32:54therapy and in the group as well.
32:58[Music]
33:25This is my third marriage and so I
33:27figured that anything else to might help
33:29it
33:31work out. I have a I have a 2-year-old
33:34and uh so I thought be a good idea and
33:40and my wife really
33:45um pushed me uh insisted that I do this.
33:50So, it sounds like you you're here
33:51because your wife insists that that
33:54you're here or you're here for the
33:55marriage, but that you're not here for
33:57you yourself.
33:59>> You know, I come home and uh
34:02and I'm looking I'm hoping for a little
34:04peace and quiet and as soon as I get in
34:06the door, the wife's at me with this and
34:08she's at me with that.
34:10Um,
34:12you know, I just I just feel like I uh
34:15don't have any time on my own, you know,
34:17and it's just like that at at the
34:19office. It's just it's rational.
34:23If you're in a group of people and the
34:24rules are you give people honest
34:27feedback, number one, and number two,
34:30and we keep on communicating. We stay in
34:33this group and keep on tuning. Because
34:35often if you give that kind of person
34:36that feedback outside that's the end of
34:38the friendship or the end of the
34:39relationship it breaks off. But here the
34:41group is we keep on communicating and
34:44then we have a leader in the group who
34:46makes sure that feedback is delivered in
34:50a way that the person can accept and
34:52integrate not in a hostile rejecting
34:54way. Let's just try a thought experiment
34:57for a couple minutes. You you see Dan
35:00here you you live with him in a sense
35:02for an hour and a half once a week. Just
35:04imagine uh living with Dan, each of you,
35:07uh being married to Dan, relating to him
35:1024 hours a day. What kind of experience
35:12would that be like? You know, get
35:13yourself into that. What feelings would
35:15get evoked by by that experience?
35:19>> To me, you know, cuz remember Dan, you
35:22said once that your wife being absent?
35:26For me, that's a perfect word for you.
35:28Absent. You're never really here with
35:30me.
35:33I mean, look at your chair. Even your
35:35chair is a couple of inches out of the
35:37circle.
35:40>> I really think that I'd be getting
35:41angrier and angrier, too. I'd put a lot
35:44of demands on you. Probably even get
35:46shrill or or irrational just like your
35:48wife. I I really think so.
35:52You know, I've been aware over the last
35:54few minutes we've been sort of
35:56escalating the force of our comments to
35:57you. I think I've been doing it. John's
35:59been doing I think all the people here
36:01have been doing it and I think it's an
36:03important phenomenon that's been
36:05occurring. It's almost as though that to
36:07kind of get through and help you speak
36:09with your real voice, we've got to keep
36:12on getting more and more angry or or do
36:15you use B words or more shrill, it's
36:17almost a replica, I wonder of what might
36:20happen at home.
36:32[Music]
36:41I went through a period in which I was
36:43very interested in Irvsfield.
36:47I was writing, you know, a
36:48psychoanalytic interpretation of James
36:52Joyce's Ulisses, you know.
36:58And then I made a switch when I moved
37:00from teaching literature into women's
37:03studies.
37:11I don't say that psychotherapy
37:15is inadvisable for other people when you
37:19have a good therapist.
37:24But for me, maybe I had had so much
37:27already in my private life that that's
37:30not what I needed.
37:33>> As sensitive to the world around you as
37:35you are to your body.
37:38That's so nice.
37:42>> Is that working? Yeah.
37:43>> Not very well.
37:44>> Well, oh, here. Oh, no. What about this
37:48thing on the top?
37:50>> Try it. Original dish. It's never been
37:53cooked like this before.
37:55>> Never with
37:56>> Never with wine. If it gets a little
37:59dry, I'll add a little bit more of that
38:01mushroom
38:02juice for it. But I think it's going to
38:04be good.
38:07[Music]
38:10We both try to have a lot of respect for
38:12the other's desires and wishes.
38:18Love is a way of being,
38:21a giving to, not a falling for,
38:25a mode of relating at large, not an act
38:29limited to a single person.
38:34Let me add to that another paragraph,
38:37the first paragraph
38:40of that story.
38:46No, that's an impella. The first
38:48paragraph to the first story is is a is
38:51a a short paragraph that I think I
38:54always feel is one of the best ones I've
38:55ever written. And I had a a publisher
38:58who loved that and memorized it and
39:00would say it to all the book sellers.
39:03And so the story starts off, I do not
39:06like to work with patients who are in
39:09love. Perhaps it's because of envy. I
39:13too crave enchantment.
39:15Perhaps it's because love and
39:17psychotherapy are fundamentally
39:20incompatible.
39:21The good therapist fights darkness and
39:24seeks illumination.
39:27While romantic love is sustained by
39:29mystery and crumbles upon inspection, I
39:33hate to be love's executioner.
39:41[Music]
39:46One of the great paradoxes of life is
39:49that self-awareness breeds anxiety.
39:53Fusion eradicates anxiety in a radical
39:56fashion by eliminating self-awareness.
40:02[Music]
40:04The person who's fallen in love and
40:07enters a blissful state of merger is not
40:10self-reflective
40:13[Music]
40:15because the questioning lonely eye can
40:18dissolve in the Wii.
40:23Thus one sheds anxiety but loses
40:26oneself.
40:35We get married in 1954.
40:40You change, the other person changes.
40:43Sometimes V would be two steps ahead of
40:45me and then I'd catch up and I'd be two
40:47steps ahead of him. It's a dance.
40:58Oh, I'm sure that there were moments in
41:00the course of the marriage where I would
41:01have walked out. I mean, there are
41:03always those moments, but in the end,
41:06the tie to Irv and the tie to the
41:09children and the tie to the family was
41:11always proved stronger.
41:14So, I never moved out.
41:16>> There were times that I might fall in
41:19love or be prey to that, and that was a
41:21great feeling to have, but it was always
41:23very, very temporary. And I always had
41:26this uh attachment to to Maryland that
41:29was so rock solid for me. And I had a
41:32lot of children early on in my life that
41:35always occupied my attention.
41:36>> I think the important thing is to be
41:39able to go through it together and to
41:42realize that your primary commitment is
41:45to the other person.
41:47That's that's something that one has to
41:50remind oneself all the time you know
41:53over and over again that and
41:58that your I to steal some words from
42:01Simand de Bvoir and John Bart your
42:04essential relationship
42:07is with the other party.
42:22[Music]
42:25I mean, I do think that when other
42:27things have come up, other temptations,
42:30I'm not even talking about sexual
42:32temptations, but something that would
42:34pull you away from the marriage.
42:36We have always been able to discuss that
42:41and to say that the other person comes
42:44first. I think sometimes that was a
42:46little hard for our children,
42:49you know, because they always felt that
42:52the bond, the primary bond which was
42:55between Irv and me.
42:57[Music]
43:14[Music]
43:20Love is not just a passion spark between
43:23two people. There's infinite difference
43:27between falling in love and standing in
43:29love.
43:32The idea is that you stand in love, not
43:35fall in love. Try to live in such a way
43:38that you're always bringing something
43:39more to life in the other
43:43[Music]
44:01I'd like you to look at this passage
44:04that I've written about Abilar and
44:07Eloise.
44:08Eloise had held on to her quote love
44:12beyond beyond all bounds for Abilar long
44:15after he had withdrawn from her. And so
44:19they come down historically
44:22as the prototype of the male who is
44:26driven primarily by lust and the woman
44:29whose sense of attachment is much
44:32longer.
44:34>> Well, wait a wait. All women as though
44:37men don't go through this too. I mean,
44:40I've seen men by the dozens who are
44:42pining for this old lover that they've
44:44had. This happens to men, too. This is
44:46not a This is not an absolute
44:49gender issue.
44:50>> Well, I'm thinking in particular as I
44:52write here of the book by
44:54neurossychiatrist Luanne Bryzendine. She
44:57says that a man has two and a half times
45:01as much brain space devoted to sexual
45:04pursuit as a woman while the female
45:07brains empathy system is considerably
45:11more active than the males. It's it's
45:14almost saying that that men can't have
45:16real love for women or want to be with
45:18them or want to send them away from I
45:21wouldn't think of sending you away.
45:22>> That's true.
45:27[Music]
45:36My four children have very strong bonds
45:38with each other and they've been very
45:40supportive of each other when they've
45:42gone through divorces.
45:45All of them have been through divorces.
45:49Of course, that raises the question
45:52here. You have parents who are married
45:54for so long and yet somehow that kind of
45:57lifelong marriage didn't work for our
45:59children.
46:02It's the sort of thing and I don't know
46:05a lot about and don't have any easy
46:07answers for
46:09[Music]
46:20>> you know they were very young when they
46:22had us and they were very ambitious.
46:28I think we I felt
46:32that
46:34maybe we'd been shortch changed a little
46:36bit by them. So my children were a
46:40little bit more important.
46:43And I think a lot of my generation was
46:45that way. You know, we didn't,
46:49you know, we we didn't put the marriage
46:51first. We put our careers and then you
46:53felt a little guilty about your
46:55children. So then you put your children
46:57and then the marriage
46:59was a little bit further down.
47:02It makes me sad for my daughters that
47:05they don't get to have a father to lean
47:07on.
47:14I I would like to learn from my
47:16grandparents relationship
47:18certainly more than I would like to
47:20learn from them from my parents
47:22relationship.
47:28But I mean, at the end of the day, you
47:30just
47:32have to figure it out for yourself.
47:44something
47:46advice.
47:48[Music]
47:54She told my baby
48:04[Music]
48:06unable
48:08that I should be careful what I'm
48:12wishing for.
48:15Oh, I don't want to do this to you, but
48:18I can't help myself.
48:22I can't help myself.
48:25I can't help myself.
48:29Oh, I don't want to do it to you. But I
48:33can't help myself.
48:36I can't help myself.
48:39I can't help myself.
48:43My ex-wife Wendy and I were the last
48:46remaining couple. And so there was this
48:48sort of sense of, oh, it was really
48:52contingent upon us to keep it together.
48:55And it was strange also in the fact that
48:57we had a relationship that I thought was
49:00going very well. And uh at a certain
49:02point we we started to have some
49:05problems and we went to therapy and we
49:07really I thought worked it out pretty
49:10well. And then one day I woke up and uh
49:14Wendy said, "I can't do this anymore."
49:17Really quite out of the blue to me. And
49:22maybe I wasn't paying enough attention.
49:24Uh but it was really quite a shock. And
49:27we it was it was Thanksgiving and we
49:30were supposed to head down to the
49:32parents house and spend the next three
49:34days on fami. That was tremendously
49:37difficult. And within two days she had
49:39said, "You know what? I can't do this."
49:41and and left.
49:44And
49:45I was very I felt very ashamed. Uh not
49:49only did I feel heartbroken and and sort
49:52of in shock, I felt very ashamed at
49:56revealing that this had happened to my
49:58parents.
49:59>> You always have this little figure on
50:01your shoulder. It's it's your it's your
50:02parents, your consciousness, and you
50:03judge, you know, what what am I doing?
50:06What what are my parents thinking about
50:07this? uh if I'm dating or marrying this
50:11person, uh you know, is this somebody I
50:14can bring home to mother? Is this
50:15somebody that they're going to like? And
50:17for me, I realized about four or five
50:19years ago that the the little figure on
50:21my shoulder had changed. It's actually
50:24no longer my father.
50:26It's my son.
50:28>> Okay. Can we give you can we finally
50:30give you some dessert?
50:33>> Would you like some coffee?
50:34>> Yes. Yes. How many coffees?
50:37>> To the rest of the world, he's this very
50:38serious psychologist.
50:40>> But then to me, he's this very funny guy
50:43that's more carefree when he's around
50:46the family,
50:48>> just trying to have fun and disconnects
50:50himself. And it's kind of interesting
50:52talking to people who know about him and
50:54they're like all super tense. Oh my god,
50:55he wrote my favorite book and stuff. But
50:57then for me, it's just, yeah, he's my
50:59grandfather. He's fun. He's happy. He
51:01tells jokes, you know, and it's just
51:03such a contrast of these two kind of
51:06personalities that he has.
51:10>> As I've gotten older, I think I've see
51:12more similarities between us. I mean,
51:15he's always my father, but as I see him
51:18as an adult and not as a child, I
51:20realize he's, you know, he's
51:22introspective, you know, connects with
51:24lots of people, but he certainly prefers
51:27more intimate, one-on-one, deeper
51:29conversations.
51:35I chose his profession and I share
51:37certain interests with him.
51:41I think in many ways we have some
51:43similarities.
51:46For some reason kind of set myself apart
51:48from people. I've tried to uh not to do
51:53that as much. Um
51:58try to not Yeah. So try to be more
52:02empathic, understanding
52:06uh towards towards others. I think
52:08that's a lifelong task.
52:11[Music]
52:18[Music]
52:46The overwhelming majority of patients
52:48suffer from stress that to different
52:50degrees is part of every person's
52:52experience.
52:56In fact, only the universality of human
52:59suffering can account for the common
53:02observation that patient is ubiquitous.
53:16Andre Malro to cite one such observation
53:19once asked a parish priest has been
53:22taking confessions for 50 years what he
53:25had been what he had learned about
53:26mankind.
53:28The police the priest replied, "First of
53:31all, people are much more unhappy than
53:34one thinks.
53:36And then the fundamental fact is there's
53:40no such thing as a grownup person.
53:45Often it's only external circumstances
53:48that result in one person and not
53:51another being labeled a patient.
54:00We have to take cognizance of the fact
54:03that all of us at some point or other
54:06are threatened by the factors that are
54:09intrinsic to our existence.
54:17We all have to face the inevitability of
54:20death. We all have to face the dilemmas
54:24of of freedom. We all have to face this
54:26fundamental question of what's the
54:28meaning of life. Every culture has done
54:31this since the world began. We all have
54:33to face questions about isolation. We
54:36all want to merge and pair uh to
54:39submerge this lonely eye into a wei. You
54:42know, I think these are these are
54:44universal. Different cultures handle it
54:45different ways. Different individuals
54:47handle it each way. But the therapist
54:49has to uh deal with those very issues
54:52for himself.
54:59I found a great many philosophers who
55:01had written about these existential
55:03concerns.
55:07So I read many many years and I ended up
55:10writing this textbook on existential
55:12psychotherapy.
55:16I've always tried to to write saying
55:18every good therapist needs to know
55:21something about these issues because
55:22they're going to be relevant for many of
55:24your patients.
55:37I could ask you just to meditate upon
55:40your own being
55:43and just screen out everything else,
55:45your cell phones and your daily
55:46schedule.
55:50If you get down to the deepest layers,
55:52what will you begin to think about?
56:42What do we live for? What's the point of
56:45life?
57:05Death is a powerful force in the life of
57:08every single one of us. And whether we
57:10know it or not, it's having an amazing
57:13influence on how we live.
57:15[Music]
57:17And the same thing is true for the
57:18existential concern of isolation.
57:23[Music]
57:45[Music]
57:52There are some people who may never have
57:54come to terms with the existential
57:57concerns around isolation and therefore
58:01use relationships almost as a shield.
58:06It's not a caring for the other. It's
58:09using others as a shield against
58:10loneliness.
58:25Kant was the philosopher who brought
58:27this very much to my mind.
58:31There is a unique world that each of us
58:34inhabit because no one has had the exact
58:38same experiences as you have had.
59:03No matter how close we try to relate to
59:06another person, there's something some
59:09space that can never be bridged.
59:36[Music]
59:45I think of all the luscious feelings and
59:48smells and tastes that I had when I was
59:50young. And I think they're out there,
59:52but they're really only in my mind at
59:54all.
59:58And when I cease to exist, that world
1:00:00goes also.
1:00:04There's a certain kind of shock there, a
1:00:06certain kind of sadness.
1:00:14[Music]
1:00:42[Music]
1:00:52[Music]
1:01:08Self-awareness is a terrible treasure
1:01:10that we have.
1:01:13But nonetheless, I've never believed
1:01:15that awareness leads to madness
1:01:19or denial to sanity.
1:01:25My psychotherrapeutic approach is thus
1:01:27epitomized by Thomas Hardy's comment,
1:01:30"If a way to the better there be, it
1:01:33exacts a full look at the worst.
1:01:44I'm 80 years old now.
1:01:47In the 70s, all these things go wrong
1:01:49with your body and uh you can't do the
1:01:52things you want to do and it's a time
1:01:54for uh and your memory is beginning to
1:01:57lapse. It's a time for the onset of some
1:02:00terminal despair. But it's just been the
1:02:03opposite with me. I feel freer and not
1:02:07anxious about things and I feel very
1:02:10creative and very excited about my work.
1:02:13So I just want to say to the younger
1:02:14people there's there may be even better
1:02:16days ahead.
1:02:19I want to thank Jeff for inviting me and
1:02:23allowing me to talk about anything I
1:02:26wanted to talk about. I'm um I'm
1:02:29overwhelmed with the size of this
1:02:31audience. It's a huge audience. I know
1:02:34you're not all here to hear me, but some
1:02:35of you are. And um there there is a
1:02:39logarithm really that I'm very much
1:02:42aware of that as I grow older, the
1:02:45audiences get larger and larger. Um
1:02:48that's very affirming. Very affirming.
1:02:51But but if I put on my existential
1:02:54spectacles, there's a dark side of that
1:02:57too. uh you know the dark side
1:03:01screeching in effect. What's all the
1:03:04rush about? Anyway, uh
1:03:10if I get very loose, I think of
1:03:12something uh you've seen that the
1:03:14there's a new movie out called Capot uh
1:03:17for Truman Capot, an American writer. Uh
1:03:19there's an anecdote that was told uh
1:03:21about Gorvidal. When Gorvidal was given
1:03:25the news that Truman Capot died, his
1:03:29response was, "Ah, good career move." Um
1:03:34anyway, that's being very loose.
1:03:53After writing the book on existential
1:03:55therapy, I felt that somehow you could
1:03:58get at the truth of that much more with
1:04:00powerful narrative.
1:04:06I really sort of turned over another
1:04:07chapter in my life and then thought I'm
1:04:10going to be a much better teacher as a
1:04:11storyteller.
1:04:28I started the novel when Nietze wept.
1:04:32I have two characters that Nichza and
1:04:34Joseph Buer. Each of them had a love
1:04:37obsession with the woman.
1:04:42In that book, he was out of the
1:04:44relationship. He couldn't get her out of
1:04:45his mind. He was passing through a
1:04:47certain life stage.
1:04:50He presented himself as always feeling
1:04:53that he was a man of infinite promise.
1:04:59But the fact is he was reaching midlife
1:05:01and he wasn't going to be on an eternal
1:05:04ascent from that point on.
1:05:06In a sense, that love obsession was
1:05:09shielding himself from that.
1:05:15I have seen a great many patients for
1:05:17whom that kind of obsession persists and
1:05:19persists and persists.
1:05:22Try and think what's the meaning of the
1:05:24obsession.
1:05:26It's very important to understand what's
1:05:29the meaning of the symptom.
1:05:35In the next session, Alvin spoke more of
1:05:38his grief over his parents' death. He
1:05:40recalled the shock when he realized that
1:05:42he had become an orphan. The worst thing
1:05:44was my sleep.
1:05:46How did you resolve it? How long did it
1:05:48take? Eventually,
1:05:50he hesitated for a long time. His speech
1:05:53became very measured. Eventually, I
1:05:56developed the habit of masturbating in
1:05:59bed every night. That was the only thing
1:06:02that worked. And ever since then, I've
1:06:05masturbated every single night. That
1:06:07became my sleeping pill.
1:06:10Alvin flushed and seemed so
1:06:12uncomfortable that I offered him some
1:06:14breathing room by turning back to
1:06:15process. I can see how uncomfortable it
1:06:18is for you to speak of this. Alvin
1:06:21nodded. Let's see. It's not easy. I
1:06:25thought you'd think I was bizarre. An
1:06:28infant sucking his thumb at night. A
1:06:29creep defiling his family. Yes, a creep.
1:06:32That fits best. And you'd be repelled.
1:06:36No wonder you're not going out with
1:06:38women. You're jerking off every night.
1:06:41None of that, Alvin, didn't enter my
1:06:43mind. My thoughts went to the connection
1:06:45between sleep and death. Did you know in
1:06:48Greek mythology, Thanoos and Hypnos,
1:06:50death and sleep are twin brothers?
1:06:53Alvin listened intently. No, I didn't
1:06:56know that. Interesting. And I continued,
1:07:00"Your comment about being an orphan is
1:07:02so important. I've heard many others
1:07:04lost their parents uh say that and I had
1:07:08the very same thought myself when my
1:07:10mother died.
1:07:12When parents die, we always feel
1:07:14vulnerable because we're dealing not
1:07:17only with loss but also with confronting
1:07:19our own death. One aspect of becoming an
1:07:23orphan that there is now no parent
1:07:26between us and the grave.
1:07:28[Music]
1:07:32So we began to talk about that because
1:07:34in a in a sense the the um
1:07:39the the death anxiety by for some people
1:07:42is countered by a sexual arousal. It's
1:07:45almost our our our great vital response
1:07:48to the threat of death. You know
1:07:50sexuality is the center of of being
1:07:52alive.
1:08:01[Music]
1:08:05I don't think we can really eradicate
1:08:07the fear of death.
1:08:10As therapist, what I can work with is
1:08:13ways of overcoming the terror of death.
1:08:18And one of those ways is what is there
1:08:21to fear if there'll be no consciousness?
1:08:44Death terror seems to defy our
1:08:47scientific views on things or anything
1:08:50that we can reason through.
1:08:53It seems so obvious to me that
1:08:56consciousness is a function of mind and
1:08:59the activity of our brains.
1:09:04And when the brain ceases to function,
1:09:06our mind ceases to function.
1:09:13[Music]
1:09:17It feels like a wonderful thing if we
1:09:20think of a heaven or an afterlife in
1:09:22which all our desires will be met in
1:09:25perpetuity.
1:09:27But to me, it's a fairy tale.
1:09:30Wishing doesn't make it so.
1:09:43[Music]
1:09:45>> You look back on your life and what
1:09:47regrets do you have for the way that
1:09:49you've lived so far?
1:09:53[Music]
1:09:56If you have a feeling that you've done
1:09:57what you wanted to do in life, I think
1:09:59the idea of death comes much more easily
1:10:01for you.
1:10:04[Music]
1:10:56Chopenhauer had a comment that I always
1:10:59liked very much.
1:11:02He compared his various tyrannical
1:11:04drives, especially for him, a very
1:11:07powerful sexual drive. He compared it to
1:11:09the sun. And but then he says as these
1:11:13drives began to weaken and get less and
1:11:15less and less and the sun got dimmer and
1:11:17dimmer and finally faded away, suddenly
1:11:21he could see the night stars and the
1:11:23night sky. And he saw all these wonders
1:11:26in the sky that he'd never really seen
1:11:28before. So because he was always
1:11:29diverted by these tierous compulsions
1:11:32that he had. So that's another nice
1:11:35metaphor to think some of these other
1:11:36things begin to die away and see all
1:11:38these wonders of life that you hadn't
1:11:40really noticed before. So right now I'm
1:11:42enjoying the night sky.
1:11:49[Music]
1:11:57Glory.
1:12:05[Music]
1:12:29[Applause]
1:12:31[Music]
1:12:36Oh, I don't want to lose to you, but I
1:12:41can't help myself.
1:12:44I can't help myself.
1:12:48I can't help myself.
1:12:51All I don't want to do is tell you, but
1:12:55I can't help myself.
1:12:59I can't help myself.
1:13:03I can't help myself.
1:13:07I try my hardest to scare you away, but
1:13:10you just smile when I say and I'll l
1:13:17that you're after.
1:13:21I want a title to cover my name. I want
1:13:26a w I
1:13:28shame of disaster when I think what I
1:13:33became.
1:13:36All I don't want to do is to you, but I
1:13:40can't help myself.
1:13:44I can't help myself.
1:13:47I can't help myself.
1:13:51[Music]

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of Yalom’s Cure: The Search for Happiness & Meaning | Full Documentary by The Documentary Collection, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 7,430 words across 1,228 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

What you can do with it

Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to translate the transcript into 100+ languages.

Free YouTube transcript tool

YouTube2Text is a free YouTube transcript generator — no signup, no daily limit. Paste any YouTube link and get the full transcript instantly, with timestamps, click-to-jump, translation to 100+ languages, AI prompts for ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, and exports to TXT, SRT, VTT, or Markdown.