"Would You Rather Be Loved or Respected?" — Transcript

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1. 0:00You once quoted Idris Elba. Yeah. Saying
2. 0:03men fall in love with what they see,
3. 0:05women fall in love with what they hear,
4. 0:06which is why women wear makeup and men
5. 0:08lie. Mhm.
6. 0:11What do you think makes a man feel
7. 0:13addicted to a woman? Like what's the one
8. 0:15behavior that makes men fall in love
9. 0:18with women that has nothing to do with
10. 0:20looks?
11. 0:24So,
12. 0:25if we define
13. 0:28respect
14. 0:30as
15. 0:32allowing someone to maintain their
16. 0:35original function or basically you
17. 0:37reinforce them for being who they are.
18. 0:39So, like
19. 0:41someone comes in to your house, let's
20. 0:43say you normally ask people to take
21. 0:45their shoes off, but it's an old man.
22. 0:46You show him respect by just saying
23. 0:48like, you're good, man.
24. 0:49You show deference. You basically
25. 0:51reinforce them for doing what they're
26. 0:52already doing, right? And so, I think
27. 0:54that
28. 0:55um
29. 0:55men
30. 0:57in general, I think they've done surveys
31. 0:58on this, but like more men would rather
32. 1:00be respected than loved if they had to
33. 1:01pick one. More men would rather be loved
34. 1:02than respected if they had to pick one.
35. 1:04It's like 70/30 either way.
36. 1:06Um which is kind of interesting. And so,
37. 1:08I think that
38. 1:09um it's not one thing, but it's more an
39. 1:10outcome. It's more the set of behaviors
40. 1:12that show respect.
41. 1:15Something you said as well on this uh if
42. 1:17you want to add
43. 1:19any part of it was you said was making
44. 1:22him feel important
45. 1:24as well is the number one love drug,
46. 1:26something like that. Um
47. 1:28what are the behaviors specifically that
48. 1:30you would guess would be within that.
49. 1:31And I see respect is a lot like that.
50. 1:32You know what I mean? Like if if if
51. 1:33someone shows you deference, like
52. 1:35they're saying that your your ways of
53. 1:37behaving supersede the rules of the
54. 1:39establishment or the rules of your
55. 1:40personal preferences. You basically take
56. 1:42their preferences over yours, which in a
57. 1:44different way of saying like they become
58. 1:45more important, right?
59. 1:47Um
60. 1:48but that is functionally what happens,
61. 1:50which is like
62. 1:51someone comes in, let's say they're
63. 1:53tired after a day of work, rather than
64. 1:55like unload all your [ __ ] on them, you
65. 1:56would allow them to maintain their
66. 1:58current state and reinforce them for
67. 2:00doing that. What else can I get you? And
68. 2:02like And again, this is not like a
69. 2:03subservient type thing. It's more that
70. 2:05like
71. 2:07I think that that is what a lot of men
72. 2:08crave. Now, just to be clear, I think
73. 2:10you have to also earn that. And so
74. 2:12that's the that's the trade. I also
75. 2:15think that there are times when
76. 2:17cuz it this goes both ways, right? Like
77. 2:18if you have unconditional love, I think
78. 2:20you also need to have unconditional
79. 2:21respect. Now, people get weird about
80. 2:23that, but I think that like it should go
81. 2:25both ways, right? Now, it would be less
82. 2:28popular in current society to say like
83. 2:29is there ever a time that a a a a woman
84. 2:33or man does not deserve love? Now,
85. 2:34deserve becomes a hard word. It's like
86. 2:36do we deserve it just because we live?
87. 2:37Because we breathe? Because we exist? I
88. 2:39don't know.
89. 2:40Um
90. 2:41I I maintain zero of these premises, but
91. 2:43I just say only that that if we take it
92. 2:46to its natural end, it would look that
93. 2:47way. Um I think that a lot of
94. 2:50relationships do come down to um do you
95. 2:52serve the other person and do you allow
96. 2:53them to do you maximize the likelihood
97. 2:55that they hit their goals?
98. 2:57So, I see support as minimizing
99. 2:59likelihood of failure.
100. 3:01So, someone supports you, which also
101. 3:02means it has nothing to do with
102. 3:03intentions. Someone can have bad
103. 3:05intentions and support you.
104. 3:07If they do things that it's like you
105. 3:09like the people who hate on you, right?
106. 3:11If they tell their audiences that they
107. 3:13spend all this time working for
108. 3:15about you,
109. 3:17a percentage greater than zero will find
110. 3:19you and like you.
111. 3:21And so they promote you.
112. 3:24What a gift.
113. 3:25Right? And so they support you.
114. 3:26>> [laughter]
115. 3:27>> They minimize your likelihood of
116. 3:28failure.
117. 3:29And so you just have all these people
118. 3:30who just advertise you. Yeah.
119. 3:33For free.
120. 3:34Which is crazy. It's amazing. So,
121. 3:36anyways.
122. 3:37Um
123. 3:38if we see support as minimizing the
124. 3:40likelihood of failure,
125. 3:41um and from a behavioral perspective,
126. 3:44like I think
127. 3:45and I'll I'll just instead of saying
128. 3:46most men, I'll just say me.
129. 3:48Um
130. 3:50I value Leila as a woman.
131. 3:53And I value Layla as a partner. And I
132. 3:55value And she has different behaviors
133. 3:57that she does in both those settings.
134. 3:58And she's also my business partner. And
135. 4:00so, we have almost these parallel
136. 4:02tracks. And no one really sees like our
137. 4:05married life much at all. Um but our
138. 4:07business life is just us being business
139. 4:09partners. And we have a very good
140. 4:10cadence on how we, you know, communicate
141. 4:12about business. Um and we have lanes
142. 4:15where I'm like, this is your call. Like
143. 4:17you know this better than I do. And
144. 4:18there's some things that she's like,
145. 4:18this is obviously your call. And what do
146. 4:20you think? And we might weigh in on each
147. 4:21other. On On a normal marriage setting,
148. 4:24um I would say Layla and I have far more
149. 4:26traditional gender roles. Um
150. 4:30And I think part of that is like both of
151. 4:31us, you know, luckily came from uh same
152. 4:33Middle Eastern background. And so, um
153. 4:36even though we're both born in the US,
154. 4:37we're both first generation. And so,
155. 4:38we've adopted a lot of I'd say like very
156. 4:40traditional views from that perspective.
157. 4:41Um And so,
158. 4:44it's you know, it's a lot of small
159. 4:45things. Like Layla still likes making me
160. 4:47dinner. Like Layla still
161. 4:50you know, she'll you know, rub my back
162. 4:52when I'm stressed. So, you know,
163. 4:55she'll It's little things. Like she'll
164. 4:56clear plates or she'll just say like,
165. 4:57"Hey, I'm on my way to whatever. Do you
166. 4:59want a drink or something?" Like it's
167. 5:00just very small stuff.
168. 5:02Um besides like taking care of all the
169. 5:03details of everything. Besides that
170. 5:06stuff.
171. 5:07Um
172. 5:08But I think above all else, so this is
173. 5:10your one thing. Um
174. 5:13I think
175. 5:15every man So, now I'm going to go back
176. 5:16to generalizing. I think every man
177. 5:18wants a woman who believes in them even
178. 5:21more than they believe in themselves.
179. 5:24And I think it's
180. 5:26having someone who on your worst day is
181. 5:29still like you [ __ ] got this.
182. 5:31You know?
183. 5:32It's like you're Jack [ __ ] Neil. You
184. 5:34got this. And it's like if your wife,
185. 5:37the person that you care and respect.
186. 5:39The thing is it's like
187. 5:40this is where it's tough because I think
188. 5:42there's a lot of men who are married to
189. 5:43women they don't respect. They love
190. 5:44them, but they don't respect them. And
191. 5:45and that's their prerogative. You can do
192. 5:47whatever you want.
193. 5:49That type of statement means a lot less
194. 5:50from somebody you don't respect.
195. 5:54But when the person you you are married
196. 5:55to is somebody that you actually
197. 5:56respect, when they say you [ __ ] got
198. 5:57this,
199. 5:58it means a lot more.
200. 6:01And so I think like I think at least
201. 6:03Layla and I have a balance of love and
202. 6:05respect both ways, and I think that it
203. 6:07benefits both of us because it also goes
204. 6:09back the other way, where if I'm like,
205. 6:12"Yo, Layla, [ __ ] Amozai,
206. 6:13you got this. Like, I'm not worried at
207. 6:15all."
208. 6:16Right. And so I think that if we if we
209. 6:19see marriage as a partnership, then it's
210. 6:22do we have aligned goals? Because I
211. 6:24think there there are
212. 6:27unpopular, you know, um
213. 6:29let's take marriage out of it cuz
214. 6:30there's a lot of taboos.
215. 6:32Take a business partnership.
216. 6:34There's a lot of reasons that I think
217. 6:35people wrongfully end business
218. 6:36partnerships. There are few that are the
219. 6:38right reasons. One of them is that we
220. 6:40want different things.
221. 6:42It's very hard to optimize a machine
222. 6:43around two different outcomes.
223. 6:45If one of you wants to go and change the
224. 6:46world and the other one doesn't want to
225. 6:47leave the house,
226. 6:49you will both compromise and both be
227. 6:51probably pretty miserable.
228. 6:52Um again, that's a choice, you can do
229. 6:54that, but I would say that would be a
230. 6:55reason to I I would back to marriage,
231. 6:57but like uh in a in a general business
232. 6:59partnership, then that would be one
233. 7:01where I'd say like this probably this
234. 7:02partnership shouldn't exist because we
235. 7:03actually both are not supporting the
236. 7:05other person's goals. We're maximizing
237. 7:06likelihood of failure.
238. 7:07Um but if we have aligned outcomes that
239. 7:10we want, and then underneath of that, we
240. 7:13believe in this way of doing things,
241. 7:15these behaviors is how we want to
242. 7:17achieve this outcome, then the
243. 7:18likelihood of conflict is significantly
244. 7:19lower, and the likelihood that the
245. 7:21person can support the other when they
246. 7:22uh deviate from the pattern of behavior
247. 7:25that we've said is the pattern that we
248. 7:28want to espouse or that we want to live
249. 7:29by, then you basically have two
250. 7:32guardrails on the bowling ball going
251. 7:34towards the pins. If you only have one
252. 7:36person that's holding it up, you only
253. 7:37have it out of one side, and then maybe
254. 7:38it shoots off the other. But if both of
255. 7:40you have a guardrail and you have an
256. 7:41outcome, all you got to do is roll the
257. 7:43ball, and if the guard rails are tight
258. 7:44enough, you knock them down every time.
259. 7:46And I think that is what a good marriage
260. 7:48looks like.
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