Why Your Child Won't Stop Hitting — Transcript

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1. 0:00You have to respond every single time.
2. 0:02And that's what parents struggle with.
3. 0:03They say, "I'm really good on Tuesday,
4. 0:05but on Wednesday I'm tired because I had
5. 0:06to work in the morning or whatever." It
6. 0:08doesn't work that way. They remember the
7. 0:10times that suit them, not the times that
8. 0:11you did it well. Welcome to the
9. 0:13Bratbusters parenting podcast. My name
10. 0:15is Lisa Bunage. I'm a parenting coach.
11. 0:17I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.
12. 0:19[music] And I'm Amy Bunage, Lisa's
13. 0:20daughter, and I handle the marketing and
14. 0:22planning here at Bratbusters. While I
15. 0:24don't have kids, each episode we'll dive
16. 0:26into parenting topics, and Lisa will
17. 0:28answer your questions. Let's get
18. 0:29started.
19. 0:31>> Okay, sugar lump. What are we talking
20. 0:32about today?
21. 0:33>> Today's topic is children hitting.
22. 0:35>> Hitting. Okay, good one.
23. 0:37>> And before we get into the parenting
24. 0:39questions, something that I do see come
25. 0:41up is, is this something that you've
26. 0:43taught them to do?
27. 0:45>> No, it's something they're born to do.
28. 0:46It's innate. It's in their You can teach
29. 0:48them how to hit, but it's something that
30. 0:49they're just born to do. They're either
31. 0:51going to be aggressive or they're not.
32. 0:53It's like there's four things that
33. 0:54they're born. It's in their DNA. They're
34. 0:56already pre-wired to pre pre-wired to do
35. 0:58that. One is aggressive behavior, which
36. 1:00is hitting. Another one is running, like
37. 1:02running away from you. They have no
38. 1:04fear. Another one is climbing. They
39. 1:05often go together, but not always the
40. 1:07running and climbing. And the last one
41. 1:08is tantrums. It's just in their DNA.
42. 1:10They're hardwired to start doing it, but
43. 1:12it's your job to train them out of it.
44. 1:14See, some toddlers just suddenly go like
45. 1:16WWE.
46. 1:18>> Yeah, they do that. And and it's just in
47. 1:19them. So, it's not something that you've
48. 1:20train unless you wrestle with them, by
49. 1:22the way. That is teaching them how to be
50. 1:23aggressive. Uh but anyway, so yeah, it's
51. 1:26something that they're hardwired to do,
52. 1:27but it is your job to sort of train them
53. 1:28out of it.
54. 1:29>> I wanted to start with that because I do
55. 1:30see in the comments section sometimes
56. 1:32where parents go, "Well, I would just
57. 1:34never allow my child to start doing
58. 1:35that." And I I don't I wouldn't want
59. 1:37parents to feel bad if their child
60. 1:40suddenly does start hitting.
61. 1:41>> You mean little perfect poly says that
62. 1:43she would never allow any of that stuff?
63. 1:45>> Maybe it's a perfect poly.
64. 1:46>> Yeah, perfect poly. Yeah, they're just
65. 1:48annoying, so just ignore that. But yeah,
66. 1:49it's it's just something that's in their
67. 1:51DNA. It's not your fault they start
68. 1:52doing it. So, how would you approach
69. 1:54this? Let's go starting right from the
70. 1:56beginning with babies.
71. 1:57>> Okay. So, with babies, you use
72. 1:59redirection. So, they hit and they'll
73. 2:00start this at like, you know, infancy.
74. 2:02Usually around 9 10 months, they'll
75. 2:04start to do stuff like that anyway. And
76. 2:05you just grab their hand very gently and
77. 2:07you just say no and you look kind of
78. 2:10serious but not not mad. You you never
79. 2:12want to go no and like that. You never
80. 2:14want to yell sort of or be abrupt or be
81. 2:16stern. You just say no. Then you
82. 2:18redirect and you say, "Okay, let's go
83. 2:19over here and do this." Don't let them
84. 2:21get subsequent hits in. Often they'll
85. 2:23hit, they get that weird reaction that
86. 2:25they don't really like. So they'll keep
87. 2:26trying to hit to get a reaction they
88. 2:27really want, which is like no, you know,
89. 2:29they want the animated kind of the
90. 2:31emotional reaction. So just stay
91. 2:33completely calm and just go no. And then
92. 2:34redirect a baby. A baby is up to about
93. 2:3616 months.
94. 2:37>> And then how would you approach this
95. 2:39going into the toddler phase?
96. 2:40>> Okay. So a baby, you're teaching them
97. 2:42right from wrong. Right up to about 16
98. 2:43months, you're teaching them that
99. 2:44hitting is wrong. That's all you're
100. 2:46doing really because you're using
101. 2:47redirection to sort of pull them away
102. 2:48from it. So when they're 16 months, to
103. 2:50me, a toddler is 16 to 35 months. It's
104. 2:52just the way I've broken it down. Now
105. 2:54they they know they shouldn't hit by 16
106. 2:56months. Now you're starting to actually
107. 2:58discipline them. So when they hit, you
108. 3:00say no and you remove them from the fun
109. 3:02or remove the fun from them or you
110. 3:04remove yourself or whatever person they
111. 3:06just hit. You remove them from that
112. 3:08person or the person from them just
113. 3:10temporarily. Let them have a fit. They
114. 3:12might have an absolute fit. That's okay.
115. 3:14That's them processing not getting their
116. 3:16own way. That's okay. And then how are
117. 3:18you approaching this as children get
118. 3:20older? 3 to 12.
119. 3:21>> 3 to 12 I would put it on the board and
120. 3:23I would put down no aggressive behavior
121. 3:25because if you just put no hitting then
122. 3:27they might start kicking, biting etc. So
123. 3:29just put down no aggressive behavior and
124. 3:31then you can say and that means hitting
125. 3:33kicking. So you can explain that but
126. 3:35then when they do then you just go to
127. 3:36the board and you say now let me see. So
128. 3:38you hit your little brother. So your
129. 3:39rule is no aggressive behavior. So
130. 3:41here's your consequence. And again, this
131. 3:44is just your general approach because
132. 3:45I'm sure there are situations in which
133. 3:47you probably handle this differently.
134. 3:49>> Oh, for sure. There's lots of things.
135. 3:51You know, when I'm working with parents
136. 3:52and we're in crisis, I'm not the only
137. 3:54person I say you need to work with. The
138. 3:56police might need to be involved. There
139. 3:57might be other counselors. There might
140. 3:59be, you know, I'm just the parent child
141. 4:00relationship. I'm the parent teen
142. 4:02relation. Uh that's what I work on. So,
143. 4:04yeah, it's not just me that's doing
144. 4:05this. If you've got a violent teenager,
145. 4:07don't just hire me. You want to make
146. 4:08sure that we'll discuss that. There
147. 4:10needs to be other other things at play,
148. 4:12too. Okay. Should we get into the
149. 4:13parenting questions?
150. 4:15>> Good idea.
151. 4:16>> First one here is Alexandra from
152. 4:17Romania. My three-year-old and
153. 4:19three-month-old son, who attends
154. 4:21kindergarten, has started pushing and
155. 4:22hitting other children during play. He
156. 4:24finds it funny. We told him the new rule
157. 4:26is no aggressive behavior. And every
158. 4:27time his teacher tells me he pushed or
159. 4:29hit someone, I give him a consequence
160. 4:31when we arrive home, so he has to wipe
161. 4:33the kitchen table. One day, while we
162. 4:34were at the playground, he pushed
163. 4:36another kid on the stairs. Not hard,
164. 4:38more as a joke. As a consequence, I told
165. 4:40him he had to sit with me on the curb
166. 4:41for 3 minutes. During that time, the boy
167. 4:43he had pushed walked past us and my gra
168. 4:45my son grabbed his leg, causing him to
169. 4:47fall. At that point, I told him, "That's
170. 4:49it. We're going home." I picked him up
171. 4:51and took him home. Did I handle the
172. 4:53situation correctly? Is it enough to
173. 4:55have him wipe the table every time he
174. 4:56behaves aggressively, or should I be
175. 4:58doing something different? Uh, you're
176. 5:00doing really well. I would up it,
177. 5:01though. Okay. Um, the one at the park,
178. 5:04or was it the park they were at? Okay,
179. 5:06that one. I wouldn't let him near that
180. 5:08kid. If you saw that kid coming near my
181. 5:10your kid, I would hold him back because
182. 5:12you I would expect that by the way. Um
183. 5:14so or just in case it might happen. But
184. 5:16what I would do is let's say it's at
185. 5:18school and they're hurting kids at
186. 5:19school. I would say I'll tell you what
187. 5:21now he's got to have a toy that he
188. 5:22absolutely loves. There must be
189. 5:24something that he's possessive of that
190. 5:25he loves. Might be a play a video game
191. 5:28console or something that he's allowed
192. 5:29to play with. I would if he hits someone
193. 5:32at school, the rule would be they get to
194. 5:34have your PlayStation for the weekend
195. 5:36and play with it. Okay. Something like
196. 5:38he's a little bit young for that. Um but
197. 5:41that's where you want to head. Like he
198. 5:42Yeah, he's three. You might be three
199. 5:44years and three months. You said might
200. 5:45be okay. So the other kid get you might
201. 5:47just bring it overnight. Say tonight
202. 5:49we're going to loan this to that kid
203. 5:50because you hurt him. So now you have to
204. 5:52do something nice for him. So he has to
205. 5:54give up something he loves to give to
206. 5:56the kid that he went after. Okay. You
207. 5:59might just and what you would probably
208. 6:00do is you would say to the other parent,
209. 6:02you usually can get, you know, access to
210. 6:04the other parent through the teacher,
211. 6:05whatever, and just say, "This is what
212. 6:07I'm doing." You don't even have to take
213. 6:08it home, but I'm just telling him that
214. 6:09that's what we're doing. Or if it's a
215. 6:11friend and you know them, you could
216. 6:12literally drop it off at their house,
217. 6:14and that child could play with it the
218. 6:16next day and the next night. So, yeah,
219. 6:17have them give something that they
220. 6:18absolutely treasure and love to their
221. 6:20victim.
222. 6:21>> Do you find that that's building
223. 6:22resentment?
224. 6:23>> Uh, it doesn't tend to. I I don't You
225. 6:25would think it would, but it doesn't
226. 6:26tend to. um he's a little bit young for
227. 6:28the follow-through with this, but what I
228. 6:30do with older kids is I have them do it
229. 6:32over a weekend and then on the Sunday
230. 6:34night they have a play date. That kid
231. 6:36comes over with the PlayStation and they
232. 6:38have a play date and they play together
233. 6:39with it. They often end up becoming
234. 6:41friends. The whole idea here is if you
235. 6:43treat someone mean, you have to replace
236. 6:45it with something nice. That's called
237. 6:46natural consequences, which I don't
238. 6:48really care about too much, but this is
239. 6:49one situation where it does work, but
240. 6:51it's not always necessary to have a
241. 6:53natural consequence. In other words, the
242. 6:54punishment doesn't have to fit the
243. 6:55crime. But this one is a perfect example
244. 6:57of that happening.
245. 6:58>> Okay, the next one is Hanan from the
246. 7:00United States. My 26-month old daughter
247. 7:02wakes up from her afternoon not very
248. 7:05irritable and angry and screaming. She
249. 7:07says no to everything and begins to hit
250. 7:09me and her 14-month-old sister. I put
251. 7:11her sister away safely, yet she follows
252. 7:13her to hit her and me. I ask her to stop
253. 7:15and that doesn't work. What to do?
254. 7:17>> Okay, now some kids do wake up on the
255. 7:20wrong side of the of the crib. So, and a
256. 7:22lot of adults do too. Okay, she's just a
257. 7:24slow wakeer uper. That's usually how it
258. 7:26manifests itself when they're little.
259. 7:28So, you want to have a transition
260. 7:30exercise. As soon as she gets up, there
261. 7:32must be a song or something that she
262. 7:33likes or a book that she likes. And it
263. 7:35would be, "Okay, so you just got up, so
264. 7:37let's read this book." Now, I know what
265. 7:38you're going to say. Well, she's just
266. 7:39too busy kicking and screaming. I might
267. 7:41just play that song in the background
268. 7:43and protect the 14-month-old. Just hold
269. 7:45them for a while. You might want to
270. 7:46dance around calmly. Don't make it look
271. 7:48too crazy and wild. Dance around holding
272. 7:50the 14-month-old while you're playing a
273. 7:53song, right? it would sort of and you're
274. 7:55controlling the energy in the room.
275. 7:57You're sort of making a positive
276. 7:58environment. She can join in or not.
277. 8:00Don't give her a lot of attention
278. 8:02because if you're saying, "Don't do
279. 8:03that. Don't do that." She's getting
280. 8:04attention. You're actually feeding it.
281. 8:06So, I would kind of just ignore it. She
282. 8:07can join in or not. That's up to her.
283. 8:09But if she does join in, let her join in
284. 8:12just right away. Don't mention all the
285. 8:13moodiness or anything like that. Just
286. 8:15let her join in.
287. 8:16>> Just making it look real fun.
288. 8:18>> Yeah. Exactly. You know, you want to
289. 8:20control the energy. You know, a lot of
290. 8:21parents are so busy going down to the
291. 8:23low road with the kids, trying to fix
292. 8:24it. I don't do that. I stay on the high
293. 8:26road and I keep inviting them up.
294. 8:28Eventually, they'll join. She's little.
295. 8:30She'll join eventually. The next one is
296. 8:31Natalie from the United Kingdom. 2 years
297. 8:34and 9 months and a 5-month-old. The
298. 8:36eldest is physically hurting or trying
299. 8:37to hurt the baby. He will look as if
300. 8:39he's doing it sometimes like he knows
301. 8:40what he's doing. Other times, it's like
302. 8:42he can't control himself or doesn't know
303. 8:44what to do with his love or feelings.
304. 8:46But I'm genuinely scared he's going to
305. 8:48seriously hurt his little brother. He
306. 8:50headbutts, pulls fingers back, pulls his
307. 8:52limbs aggressively. Is this common? And
308. 8:54is there anything we can do to um about
309. 8:56the hitting at home about it with him?
310. 8:59>> Okay. So, I would It sounds like you've
311. 9:01tried everything. Okay. That I say the
312. 9:03one thing that you haven't mentioned is
313. 9:04I fuss over the victim. So, and they
314. 9:06hate that. They can't stand it. So, he's
315. 9:08going after the baby and you pick him
316. 9:10up. Try and obviously try and prevent
317. 9:11it, right? So, you grab the baby before
318. 9:13he can hurt them, the little one. So,
319. 9:15you pick up the baby. If if he does go
320. 9:17for him, you say, "Oh, it's okay.
321. 9:19mommy's got you. They can't stand that.
322. 9:21So, that's actually uh the last thing he
323. 9:23wants. He wants attention put on him
324. 9:25when he does that. They'll go for any
325. 9:28accelerated emotions, whether it's
326. 9:30negative or positive. It's very exciting
327. 9:31to a toddler to get a big to be able to
328. 9:33control their parents like that. So, if
329. 9:35you see him going for the baby, you just
330. 9:36say no. You let them know you saw what
331. 9:38he's doing. He's going for the baby. You
332. 9:39say no. Pick up the baby and fuss over
333. 9:41the baby. Okay? Now, if he does actually
334. 9:43get a hit in, then you pull him away and
335. 9:45you say no. And then you pick up the
336. 9:47baby and fuss over the baby again. They
337. 9:49hate seeing their victims consoled and
338. 9:50loved up. They just can't stand that.
339. 9:52It's And now they don't tend to take it
340. 9:53out on the baby. They Okay, they just
341. 9:55don't tend to do that. They tend to get
342. 9:57mad at you and they tend to have more
343. 9:58tantrums. They tend to clot you. They
344. 10:00don't tend to go for the baby. They tend
345. 10:01to go for you. So because you don't want
346. 10:03to build resentment that came up in a
347. 10:05previous thing. Yeah, it doesn't tend to
348. 10:06work that way. Doesn't tend to. It
349. 10:08could. Anything could happen, but
350. 10:10anyway. So yeah, fuss over the victim
351. 10:12and then just continually take stuff
352. 10:13away and say, "Nope." And then take
353. 10:15something away. No. Take something away.
354. 10:17And then you want to Why is he doing
355. 10:18this so much, too? Are you playing with
356. 10:20him enough? Is his love cup full? Love
357. 10:22is fun is their love language. You want
358. 10:24to fill that up. Play with him a lot.
359. 10:26Okay. But if he does get aggressive
360. 10:27while playing, you say, "Nope." And then
361. 10:29you get up and walk away. Take the baby
362. 10:30with you. Okay. So, a lot of parents
363. 10:32say, "I do play with him. He gets really
364. 10:34rowdy though. It gets too You got to get
365. 10:35up right away and walk away." You can
366. 10:37come back maybe 5 minutes later or 10
367. 10:39minutes later and play with him again.
368. 10:41But every single time he acts out and
369. 10:42gets a little bit rough, okay, and wild,
370. 10:44then you say, "Nope." and you get up and
371. 10:45walk away. You have to respond every
372. 10:47single time. And that's what parents
373. 10:49struggle with. They say, "I'm really
374. 10:50good on Tuesday, but on Wednesday, I'm
375. 10:52tired because I had to work in the
376. 10:53morning or whatever." It doesn't work
377. 10:55that way. They remember the times that
378. 10:57suit them, not the times that you did it
379. 10:58well. Okay? So, you got to be 100%
380. 11:01consistent. See, this is a battle you're
381. 11:02going to win. You know, you pick one
382. 11:04battle per week. Whenever I I'm coaching
383. 11:06parents, we pick one battle per week.
384. 11:07This is your battle. It should start to
385. 11:09ease up after about a good week or two
386. 11:11of you being 100% consistent. Remember,
387. 11:15they remember when you mess up, not when
388. 11:17you do it right. So, make sure you do it
389. 11:18right. It's the only thing that you're
390. 11:19trying to perfect is this aggressive
391. 11:21behavior because you do not want that
392. 11:23baby to get hurt. Plus, the baby's
393. 11:24really tiny, probably not really mobile
394. 11:26yet. Once that baby's mobile, he's
395. 11:28really got more free reign with that
396. 11:30baby. He's going to have more access to
397. 11:31it. So, you want to fix this now.
398. 11:33>> And we've discussed this before as well.
399. 11:34It's the idea that I think it while it
400. 11:38may be like when you're like you have to
401. 11:39be so consistent and that may seem
402. 11:41overwhelming is I just don't think that
403. 11:43going in with the mindset of it's going
404. 11:44to be easy will help parents often
405. 11:47because if they feel like it is and it's
406. 11:49not easy. I'm sure that would be harder.
407. 11:51Well, I always say it's, you know, you
408. 11:52got to go through the storm to get to
409. 11:53the rainbow. Everyone wants the rainbow.
410. 11:55Well, what do I do right in the moment?
411. 11:56Well, you're building towards the
412. 11:57rainbow tomorrow, but there's always
413. 11:59going to be a storm up front. They
414. 12:00usually get worse before they get better
415. 12:01once they sense that you're taking
416. 12:02control. And you know, a lot of parents
417. 12:04will do the easy stuff, like they'll
418. 12:06just, "Oh, do you want a lollipop?" Or
419. 12:08whatever they'll do. They're going for
420. 12:09short-term gain for long-term pain. I
421. 12:12always say, "I'm going for short-term
422. 12:13pain for long-term gain." Yes, this is
423. 12:15hard work. That's why I said you only
424. 12:17focus on that one particular thing. He
425. 12:19might be doing other things that are
426. 12:20naughty, too, but you just focus on that
427. 12:22aggressive behavior because that's the
428. 12:23most important thing you want to
429. 12:25address. Just focus and be 100%
430. 12:27consistent with just that one thing for
431. 12:28now. You don't have to be 100%
432. 12:30consistent with everything. I get this a
433. 12:32lot of kickback in coaching if people
434. 12:34haven't seen me before and they just
435. 12:35sign up because someone recommended me
436. 12:37so they don't know much about me and
437. 12:38they'll say, "Yeah, but I want the big
438. 12:40picture. How are we going to fix
439. 12:41everything? What about this and that?"
440. 12:42And I say, "No, no, no, no. We we
441. 12:44perfect one method with one particular
442. 12:47behavior first. Then we're you're
443. 12:48learning skills, okay? Then you can move
444. 12:51on to the next thing." So just focus on
445. 12:52the aggressive behavior. It's the only
446. 12:54thing you're worried about. Don't worry
447. 12:55about bedtime or meal time or any other
448. 12:57things that aren't going well. Just
449. 12:59focus on that aggressive behavior. You
450. 13:01do have to be consistent and it's going
451. 13:02to be really really hard but boy is it
452. 13:04worth it.
453. 13:05>> I just think having the expectation it's
454. 13:07like almost you just don't want to build
455. 13:08it up as being something that's just
456. 13:10going to be smooth sailing.
457. 13:11>> I have never said any this is easy. You
458. 13:13know getting respect is really hard
459. 13:15work. Maintaining it's easy. It's a
460. 13:16piece of cake. But getting it is really
461. 13:18hard work.
462. 13:19>> And then do you find that if you're
463. 13:20really consistent around toddler age? Do
464. 13:23you find that if you're consistent with
465. 13:24one thing that it kind of bleeds out
466. 13:25into the other areas?
467. 13:26>> Well that's why I've got three weeks of
468. 13:28behavior boards and I'm working with
469. 13:29three and above. Um, so we've got the
470. 13:31first week you're just learning how to
471. 13:33sort of do this. The second week you're
472. 13:34starting to get a little bit more
473. 13:35confidence. The third week you're
474. 13:37starting to get even more confidence.
475. 13:38Then in the fourth week we deal with
476. 13:39everything. But by that time often the
477. 13:42kids are getting better with everything
478. 13:43anyway because they're starting to
479. 13:45understand that you're a leader. You're
480. 13:46calm and you're also usually more fun.
481. 13:48Especially in coaching I really push
482. 13:50that fun is their love language. Play is
483. 13:52their love language. Fill that cup up.
484. 13:54Make sure it's overflowing so that all
485. 13:55this negative discipline stuff will
486. 13:57work. You got to balance it out. But
487. 13:59it's got to be like 90 9010. It can't be
488. 14:0290 90% fun and 10% discipline. Now, it's
489. 14:06not And parents will say, "Well, they're
490. 14:07rotten all day." Yeah, but you make the
491. 14:08discipline fast and draw out the fun.
492. 14:10Drag it out.
493. 14:12>> Oh, no. I've done 11% today. Oh, no.
494. 14:14>> Yeah. Uhoh. 11 and a half. Uhoh. You're
495. 14:17like staying up until midnight playing
496. 14:18just trying [laughter] to play.
497. 14:20>> That's right.
498. 14:21>> Okay. We have one final question. So,
499. 14:22Erica from the United States. Two weeks
500. 14:24into implementing your behavior board
501. 14:26and parenting style. We started with no
502. 14:28hitting and shoes on within 5 minutes as
503. 14:30the two rules. I've been good at
504. 14:31remaining calm and direct, implementing
505. 14:33consequences such as wiping a baseboard
506. 14:35or helping with dishes, followed by the
507. 14:3724-hour media blackouts. Unfortunately,
508. 14:39she's not phased by the consequences.
509. 14:41She chooses not to do them and simply
510. 14:43says okay and shrugs her shoulders
511. 14:45calmly when the blackout starts. On
512. 14:47occasion, she will ask to watch a movie
513. 14:49and I calmly say your consequence is no
514. 14:51TV for the rest of the day. And she says
515. 14:53okay and runs off to play. I don't feel
516. 14:55like it's enough, yet I'm sure not sure
517. 14:57what else to take away. Unfazed by toys
518. 14:59or privileges being taken away, just
519. 15:01moves on to something else. I've noticed
520. 15:03that what irks her the most is when I
521. 15:05ignore her competitive behavior. When
522. 15:07she breaks a rule or acts out and starts
523. 15:08tantruming, she immediately starts to
524. 15:10hit me and scream. When I ignore her,
525. 15:12she yells, "Answer me!" or "I hit you."
526. 15:14Clearly, um, she's clearly upset and it
527. 15:17isn't working like it once was. I know
528. 15:19you said it will get worse before it
529. 15:20gets better better, so I'm weathering
530. 15:22the storm, but those tantrums only hit
531. 15:2450% of the time. The other time is
532. 15:26simply ignoring the consequences as she
533. 15:28runs off to play and then moves on after
534. 15:30the deprivation starts. Any ideas on
535. 15:32something that's more impactful for
536. 15:34consequences or what I may be doing.
537. 15:36There wasn't a specific age for this
538. 15:37one. Yeah, it's too bad you don't have
539. 15:39an age there. Uh anyway, but it's not a
540. 15:41behavior board, is it? Okay, so it must
541. 15:42be three and above. Anyway, all I heard
542. 15:45was that when she said, "Can I watch a
543. 15:46show?" And then you said no because you
544. 15:48got you fed it. You answered her. She
545. 15:51hates being ignored because you answered
546. 15:53her. She was in control in that moment.
547. 15:55She knows that she can't watch TV or
548. 15:58watch the show, but she asked you and
549. 16:00you answered it. I would just look at
550. 16:01her like I might just go I might just
551. 16:03shake my head, just go or whatever. Or I
552. 16:06might just look at her and then look
553. 16:07away. She already knows. She's trying to
554. 16:09pull you in. She's trying to get you to
555. 16:11explain yourself. The more you explain,
556. 16:13the more you complain. Now, that's not
557. 16:14always a bad thing, but this child does
558. 16:16not want to be ignored. Okay. She's
559. 16:17going for the attention with all this
560. 16:19stuff. That's You already told me all
561. 16:20that, right? So, I got a lot more
562. 16:22information. But yeah, that would be
563. 16:23very power powerful with her. If she
564. 16:25asks you something and she knows she
565. 16:27can't have it, there's no need to
566. 16:29explain it. Just say no or whatever.
567. 16:33Even saying I'm If she's older, even
568. 16:35saying something like five and above and
569. 16:37seven, even saying if she says, "Can I
570. 16:39watch a show?" I would just go whatever.
571. 16:41You see, that's even more sort of you're
572. 16:43sort of snubbing her almost with that
573. 16:45question. You're letting her know she
574. 16:46can't control you and you're not going
575. 16:48to explain yourself. So, yeah, you're
576. 16:49explaining too much.
577. 16:51>> Would the little laugh there be
578. 16:52considered mocking or
579. 16:54>> It's just a a challenge. It's a
580. 16:56challenge. It's like what are you going
581. 16:57to do about this? It's a challenge.
582. 17:00>> No, from your end where you go where you
583. 17:03just went. [laughter]
584. 17:04>> Yeah.
585. 17:04>> It wasn't a challenge.
586. 17:06>> I was like, oh, where are we going with
587. 17:08this?
588. 17:08>> Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, when they do
589. 17:09laugh at you often it is a challenge. So
590. 17:11that's where I went. Anyway, what what
591. 17:12what did I laugh? What do you mean?
592. 17:13>> Cuz he went whatever. Like
593. 17:15>> but that wasn't a laugh. That was just
594. 17:16Yeah. No.
595. 17:17>> Okay. Your face. So
596. 17:19>> yeah, it was like Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.
597. 17:22Yeah. Yeah. You just treat it like
598. 17:23that's ridiculous. Like but don't say
599. 17:24that. Don't don't don't use a lot of
600. 17:26words. Just go whatever.
601. 17:28She knows exactly what she's doing
602. 17:31because she she you also she said you
603. 17:34answer me. You she's threatening you
604. 17:36because she's used to controlling you,
605. 17:38right? She's used to you answering.
606. 17:40That's that's why she says that you
607. 17:42answer me. Kid wouldn't say that to me.
608. 17:44Not after one day with me. They wouldn't
609. 17:46say that to me, right? But when she says
610. 17:49to you, you answer me or else or
611. 17:51whatever she said. That's a clue to me.
612. 17:53It says that you always do. You always
613. 17:55explain yourself. You look very weak
614. 17:57when you do. She already knows. She's
615. 17:59been told 24-hour media blackout. That's
616. 18:01it. No show for 24 hours. That's it. I
617. 18:03wouldn't explain it again.
618. 18:04>> Well, that was it for the parenting
619. 18:06questions.
620. 18:06>> Okay. So, it was kids hitting. Um, I
621. 18:08already went through all the different
622. 18:09ages how you deal with it. Um, it's
623. 18:11something that they're born to do, but
624. 18:12and what I didn't go through in this um
625. 18:15podcast was when it should end. It
626. 18:17really should end by two and a half to
627. 18:18three. If you're dealing with this
628. 18:20effectively, you'll see it disappear.
629. 18:22Um, they might have the odd hit after
630. 18:24that. U, but it should really dissipate
631. 18:26and disappear over a period of time.
632. 18:28Okay? It's not going to disappear right
633. 18:30away when they're toddlers. It takes a
634. 18:31while. Might take a few months or
635. 18:33whatever for them really to get it out
636. 18:34of their system. Uh but yeah, it it
637. 18:36should end by about three. That's your
638. 18:39goal. But if they're hitting now and
639. 18:41they're seven, then it might be a, you
640. 18:42know, a few months before they really
641. 18:43stop. And when I say a few months, it
642. 18:46should it should lessen in intensity,
643. 18:48but it should really end after a few
644. 18:50months.
645. 18:51>> Okay. Well, I think that's a great place
646. 18:53to end.
647. 18:53>> Okay. Well, thanks so much for joining
648. 18:55us. Back again soon talking about
649. 18:56another parenting topic. Happy
650. 18:58parenting.
651. 18:59>> Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to
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