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Why You Never Feel Good Enough in Relationships (And How to Finally Heal It) — Transcript

by Andriana Nik · 3,989 words · 591 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Have you ever noticed how some people
0:03can simply receive love? When someone
0:05compliments them, they smile, they say
0:08thank you, and they move on. When
0:10someone chooses them, they don't spend
0:13the next few months wondering when that
0:15person is going to change their mind.
0:18When someone tells them that they love
0:19them, they believe it. For the longest
0:22time, I couldn't understand how people
0:24do that because that wasn't my
0:26experience at all. Whenever someone
0:29liked me, my first reaction wasn't
0:31excitement. It was actually confusion. I
0:34was thinking, "Wow, really? Why me? And
0:38do they actually mean that?" And if I'm
0:41honest, even when someone was showing me
0:43with their actions that they cared about
0:45me, there was always this quiet voice
0:49that it was at the back of my mind
0:51saying that, "You know what? Just wait.
0:53Eventually, they're going to see what
0:55you see. Eventually, they're going to
0:57realize that you're not actually
1:00enough." And that voice followed me into
1:02every early relationship that I had. And
1:05it wasn't always loud, but it was always
1:08kind of quietly in the back of my mind
1:11making me doubt each person's
1:13intentions. It showed up every time
1:16someone took a little longer than usual
1:18to reply. Every time they seemed quieter
1:20than normal. Every time they had a
1:22stressful week. Every time they needed
1:24space. My mind will instantly fill in
1:28the blanks. My mind will start running
1:30and saying, "Oh, they are pulling away.
1:32Maybe you've done something wrong." And
1:34this is all, "Okay, this is how it
1:36starts now." And looking back, I wasn't
1:38actually afraid of really being left. I
1:41was more afraid that them leaving would
1:44finally prove something that I secretly
1:47believed about myself for so long. And
1:50what [clears throat] I believed was that
1:51maybe I just wasn't enough. And I didn't
1:55realize it at the time, but I wasn't
1:57struggling with relationships, but I was
2:00struggling more with the way that I saw
2:02myself. And until that changed, nothing
2:05else changed either. Hi guys, I'm
2:07Adriana, and welcome or welcome back to
2:09my channel. So, if you're new here, I'm
2:11making videos all about becoming secure
2:14in yourself, so you can attract
2:16naturally healthier, happier, and more
2:18secure relationships. And this video is
2:21one thing that I wish someone made for
2:23me years ago. I genuinely believe that
2:26this hidden belief sits underneath so
2:29many of the struggles that we experience
2:31in love, in our relationships, without
2:34us even realizing that it is coming from
2:37us. So, let's get into it. As for so
2:39many years, I thought that my problem
2:42was confidence and the lack of it. So, I
2:44did what I think a lot of us do. I just
2:46convinced myself that there was just
2:49another version of me that I had to
2:51become. So, I was thinking, if I become
2:54prettier, I will finally feel enough.
2:57And when after that, it became if I
2:59become more successful, if I heal my
3:01attachment style, if I finally find the
3:04right person, the right relationship,
3:06there was always another destination,
3:08another version of me that I believe
3:11will finally arrive and I will feel then
3:13secure in it. But every time I got
3:17there, every time I achieved that
3:19destination, arrived at that
3:20destination, the finish line
3:22automatically moved again and again and
3:25again and again. I remember I was dating
3:27people who genuinely liked me, and the
3:30strange thing is that I believed them
3:32for about 5 minutes. They would tell me
3:35how happy they were to have met me, they
3:37would plan dates, they would text first,
3:39they would show up consistently, they
3:41would make effort, and in those moments
3:44I would feel safe until they didn't.
3:47Because then some days they would take a
3:49little longer to reply, or they would
3:51seem quieter than usual. Maybe, I don't
3:54know, they were busy, maybe they had
3:56work, maybe they were simply tired. My
3:59mind didn't care. I had already decided
4:02what that meant. I was already running
4:04in my head, oh, you know, they're
4:06getting bored, they're losing interest,
4:08and telling to myself that I knew that
4:10this wasn't going to last. An
4:11interesting part is that nothing
4:14actually happened. The only thing that
4:16happened was that reality touched the
4:19belief that I was already carrying and I
4:20was already having. And I think that's
4:23something so many of us don't realize.
4:25We think that our reality is showing us
4:28that our intuition is right. It's just
4:31our fears, it's our beliefs are getting
4:34projected into reality, that therefore
4:37convinces us that this is truth, this is
4:39what is actually happening. When I was
4:41dating, I thought that every
4:43relationship was teaching me something
4:45about the other person. So, I went into
4:47it focusing on the other person. So, do
4:50they actually like me? Can I trust them?
4:53Are they emotionally available? Are they
4:56losing interest? And I thought that was
4:58the lesson, that was the point of
4:59relationships, learning others so well.
5:02But, eventually, I realized that every
5:04relationship was actually teaching me
5:07something about me. And not because
5:10relationships were creating insecurities
5:12about myself, but because they were
5:15revealing them. So, that means that
5:17whatever I was carrying, it was just
5:19showing me all of the insecurities been
5:21carrying already for so many years. So,
5:24that delayed text that I didn't get, it
5:26didn't create that fear, it just simply
5:29showed it to me. The disagreement that I
5:32had, it didn't create that insecurity,
5:34it just exposed it. The relationship
5:37wasn't the source of the wound, [snorts]
5:39it was simply the place where I could no
5:41longer avoid looking at it. I couldn't
5:44hide from it. And honestly, that
5:46completely changed the way that I
5:48approached healing. And that is because
5:51I stopped trying to fix every
5:53relationship by focusing on the other
5:55person and by focusing on changing the
5:58other person. Instead, I started
6:00becoming more curious about the
6:02relationship that I had with myself. And
6:05that's when I realized something that I
6:06wish someone had told me years earlier.
6:10The inferiority complex doesn't just
6:12affect your relationships. It becomes
6:15the lens through which you experience
6:17your entire life. It changes the
6:19opportunities that you go after, the
6:21standards that you settle for, the way
6:23that you speak about yourself, the way
6:25you let other people treat you, the
6:28dreams that you convince yourself that
6:30they're probably not for someone like
6:33me. It even changes what you believe
6:35you're worthy of receiving. Because once
6:38you start believing that you are less
6:40than, you don't just feel different, but
6:43you start making decisions from that
6:45place. You don't apply for that job
6:47because someone else is probably more
6:48qualified. You don't speak up because
6:51someone else's opinion must be more
6:53important. You don't leave the
6:55relationship because maybe this is the
6:58best you will ever get. You don't ask
7:00for more because you secretly don't
7:02believe you deserve more. And what is
7:04heartbreaking is that none of these
7:05decisions feel like they come from low
7:08self-worth while you are making them.
7:11They feel logical. They feel realistic.
7:13They feel like you're just being honest
7:15with yourself. But you're not seeing
7:17reality. You're seeing yourself through
7:20the story that you have been telling
7:22yourself for so many years. That's why
7:24healing the story, by healing the
7:26inferiority complex, changes so much
7:29more than just your dating life. Because
7:32the moment that you stop believing that
7:34you are less than, you stop building a
7:37life around that belief. The first thing
7:39that changed was that I realized I had
7:41been trying to fix the wrong problem.
7:43So, for so many years, I kept asking
7:46myself, "How do I become enough? How do
7:49I become prettier, more successful, more
7:52confident, more lovable?" And I thought
7:54that healing meant becoming someone that
7:57was completely different from who I was.
8:00But eventually, I realized that I was
8:02asking the wrong question. The better
8:04question was, "Where did I learn that I
8:06wasn't enough in the first place?"
8:08Because the truth of it is that nobody
8:11is born believing that they are
8:13inferior. If you look at a child, for
8:15example, they don't walk into a room and
8:18they're wondering if they are the
8:19prettiest, if they are the strongest, if
8:22they are the most powerful, if they are
8:24the most successful. They don't
8:25apologize for taking up space. They
8:28don't assume someone else deserves more
8:30love than them. At some point, life
8:33teaches us to doubt ourselves. So, for
8:36you, maybe you were constantly compared.
8:38Maybe you only received praise when you
8:41achieved something. Maybe someone
8:43rejected you. Maybe you grew up feeling
8:46unseen and unheard. Maybe for you, love
8:49felt conditional. Whatever the reason,
8:51I'm not enough wasn't something that you
8:54were born believing. It was a conclusion
8:57that you slowly arrived at through your
8:59experiences. And when I finally saw
9:01that, it changed everything for me
9:03because I stopped treating that belief
9:06like it was the complete and absolute
9:08truth. I started seeing it for what it
9:11really was. And what it was, it was a
9:12story. A story that I had repeated so
9:14many times that it started to feel like
9:16it was my identity. And the good thing
9:18about stories is that they can always be
9:21rewritten. The second thing that I
9:23realized was that I had quietly made
9:26everyone else's opinion more important
9:28than my own. I didn't even notice that I
9:30was doing that. So, I will walk into a
9:33room and and without even thinking, I
9:35would start ranking everyone. Who's
9:37prettier? Who's funnier? Who's more
9:40successful? Who's more confident? And
9:42then I will ask, where do I fit? Where
9:45do I rank? And of course, somehow from
9:48my own inferior perspective, I will end
9:51up somewhere beneath everyone else. And
9:54then what will happen is that I will
9:55meet someone that I like that had some
9:57of these qualities that I was looking up
9:59to, and I will quietly place them on a
10:02pedestal, too. Their opinion because
10:05they had those qualities that I didn't
10:07have mattered more than mine. If they
10:10liked me, I felt amazing about myself.
10:12And if they pulled away, I will
10:14instantly start questioning everything
10:17about me. It wasn't because they were
10:18actually above me. It was because I had
10:20placed myself beneath them. I made that
10:23decision. Once I became aware of that, I
10:27could see how unfairly I saw myself and
10:31how unfairly I placed myself. Because if
10:33I treated myself this way, how did I
10:36expect others to do differently? I had
10:38spent so many years giving everyone else
10:41the benefit of the doubt while I was
10:43constantly looking for reasons why I
10:45wasn't enough. While I was spending so
10:47much time judging and criticizing me and
10:50pulling me apart, I changed that belief
10:53when I stopped seeing people as better
10:56than me. And I started seeing them as
10:58simply human. It means that they were
11:00just like me. Because every single
11:02person has things that they're confident
11:04about, and they have things that they
11:05secretly struggle with. We usually do
11:08not see the things that they struggle
11:10with. Someone might have the career that
11:12you admire, but they might be struggling
11:14in their relationships. Someone might
11:16seem incredibly confident and social and
11:19has so many friends, but maybe they
11:21battle with anxiety every single day.
11:23Someone might have something that you
11:25wish so desperately that you had, whilst
11:28they wish they had something that you
11:30do. So, the truth is we are all carrying
11:34different strengths, while at the same
11:35time we carry different insecurities and
11:38different challenges. It's just
11:39understanding that no one's life is
11:41complete, no one's life is perfect, and
11:44no one is exempt from challenges. No
11:47one's journey is ahead of yours. It's
11:49just simply different. And once I truly
11:52understood that, I was able to stop
11:55asking, "Where do I rank compared to
11:58them?" Because there wasn't a ranking
12:01anymore. We're not here to compete with
12:03each other. I understood that we're here
12:05to live completely different lives, and
12:08we are acquiring strengths and facing
12:11challenges at different times in our
12:13lives. And that also made me realize
12:15something else. Just because I wasn't
12:18perfect yet, or I didn't have everything
12:21figured out, it didn't mean that I had
12:24to make myself smaller. I was still
12:26allowed to have an opinion. I was still
12:29allowed to take up space. I was still
12:31allowed to say what I wanted and ask for
12:34what I needed, and to trust my own
12:36voice. To trust that I'm not asking for
12:39too much, and that I don't cross a line
12:41by speaking up. And honestly, learning
12:45to value my own opinion more than
12:47everyone else's changed my life. Because
12:50I used to live in a reality where this
12:53was completely flipped, where everyone's
12:56opinion mattered more than mine. And
12:58once I learned that, it completely
13:01changed the way that I approached
13:03everything. Because at the end of the
13:04day, I am the person who has to live my
13:08life, not them. So, the my decisions
13:10have to come from me. They have to come
13:13from internally. So, my opinion about
13:16who I am finally had to become louder
13:19and put on a higher pedestal than
13:22everyone else's. And it really comes
13:24back into your relationships, because
13:27healthy relationships don't happen
13:30between someone that is on a pedestal
13:32and someone who is not, someone who is
13:34trying to earn a place beside them.
13:36Relationships happen between two people
13:38who already believe that they are enough
13:41and therefore they already believe that
13:43they are equals. Then I realized that my
13:46actions were also quietly teaching me
13:48what I believed about myself. When I
13:51realized how I used to treat and see
13:53myself, I tried to fix that by using a
13:55lot of affirmations. So I used to tell
13:57myself or try to tell myself, oh I'm
14:00worthy, I am enough, I am lovable. But
14:03when I looked at my actions, when I
14:06looked at the my behavior towards
14:08myself, it was still telling the old
14:10story of what I believed about myself.
14:13So I will ignore my own needs, I will
14:15stay quiet instead of saying what
14:17bothered me, I will accept the bare
14:19minimum, I will over explain, I will
14:21over give, I will over compromise, I
14:24will chase people who weren't choosing
14:26me. And then I will wonder
14:27[clears throat] why I still didn't feel
14:28worthy. The truth is my subconscious
14:31wasn't listening to what I said, to what
14:33I was affirming. It was watching to what
14:36I repeatedly accepted, to how I behaved
14:39towards myself, to how respect I was
14:41showing to myself by what I was
14:43accepting. Because every action sends
14:46yourself a message. Every time that you
14:48stay somewhere that hurts you, you're
14:50teaching yourself that you think you
14:52deserve that, that you think that this
14:54is acceptable. Every time that you
14:56abandon yourself to keep someone else in
14:59your life, you are teaching yourself
15:01that it doesn't matter how they treat me
15:03as long as I keep them. You're teaching
15:05yourself that either needs matter the
15:08most and therefore I need to focus on
15:10satisfying their needs and their needs
15:12matter the most so I can keep them. The
15:15opposite is true too. Every boundary,
15:17every honest conversation you have,
15:19every time you walk away from something
15:22that no longer aligns with you, you're
15:24slowly beginning to teach yourself a
15:26completely different story. And you
15:28don't do that through words, through
15:30affirmations, but you do it through
15:31evidence. And evidence is so concrete,
15:34is so factual, that completely change
15:36our experience. And I genuinely think
15:38that's where confidence really comes
15:40from. Not from talking differently, but
15:43from repeatedly showing yourself that
15:46you matter. By showing to yourself that
15:49what you don't like, you don't have to
15:51tolerate. And you don't need permission
15:53to confirm that. Then I stopped treating
15:56my own worth like something that I had
15:58to earn, something that I had to prove.
16:00I think this was the belief underneath
16:03everything. I genuinely believed that
16:05worth was something that you had to
16:07earn, something you need to collect. So,
16:09one more achievement, one more
16:10compliment, one more relationship, one
16:13more milestone, and then I will finally
16:16arrive. And then I will finally feel
16:19worthy. I will finally feel complete,
16:21except I never did. Because every time I
16:23reached the next goal, there was another
16:25one waiting. I was never arriving to
16:28that feeling of completion. And that was
16:30so exhausting. What I really wanted was
16:32the feeling, but I was I was getting the
16:35goals achieved, but I wasn't getting the
16:37feeling. It was like a roller coaster.
16:39It felt like I was constantly chasing a
16:41finish line that kept moving further and
16:44further away. And at the same time, it
16:46made me feel less and less secure and
16:49worthy. And eventually [clears throat]
16:50I realized why. It wasn't because I was
16:53too ambitious. There's nothing wrong
16:56with wanting more for your life. There's
16:57nothing wrong with having goals or
17:00dreaming about the relationship, the
17:01career, the business, the body, the life
17:04that you truly want. The problem begins
17:07when you quietly start believing that I
17:11will finally feel enough, I will finally
17:14feel worthy only when I get there. The
17:17moment you attach your worth to a future
17:20version of yourself, you're
17:22automatically telling yourself that who
17:24you are right now, who you are today, is
17:26not enough, is not complete, is not
17:29worthy. And that's where insecurity is
17:32actually born from. Not because you have
17:34the goals, but because you have made
17:37your sense of worth conditional on
17:40achieving them. It made me realize that
17:42I've spent so many years believing that
17:45the thing that I wanted was going to
17:47rescue me, was going to save me from the
17:50way I felt. That the relationship will
17:52make me feel lovable, that the promotion
17:55or the career will make me feel
17:57successful, that the body will make me
17:59feel confident, that getting that
18:01achievement will finally make me feel
18:03worthy. Every time I reached that goal,
18:06the feeling disappeared almost as
18:08quickly as as it came. Because achieving
18:11that goal was never what I was truly
18:14looking for. I wasn't chasing the
18:15relationship, I was chasing the feeling
18:18that I thought that the relationship
18:19would give me. I wasn't chasing the
18:21success, I was chasing the feeling of
18:24finally being enough. And once I
18:26understood that, everything clicked for
18:28me. Because I stopped expecting my
18:31future to heal something, to completely
18:34something that my present was
18:36responsible for. I stopped asking from
18:39my goals to give me an identity, to give
18:42me worth, to give me completion. I
18:44learned how to feel whole while still
18:47having dreams. I learned how to become
18:49secure while still wanting more. I
18:52learned how to feel enough while still
18:54growing. And that's what I think is real
18:57confidence. Or that's what at least I
18:59think doesn't make you more insecure.
19:02It's not believing that you no longer
19:04want anything, but knowing that your
19:06worth isn't waiting for you on the other
19:08side of your next achievement. The more
19:11I was able to separate my worth from my
19:14appearance, my worth from my
19:16achievements, my worth from my
19:18accomplishment, from who I had in my
19:21life, and who chose me, immediately my
19:24relationships became so much lighter.
19:26Because people stopped deciding whether
19:29I mattered, whether I was significant,
19:32whether I was worthy, whether I was
19:34whole. I already decided. I already did
19:36that. And so they simply became a part
19:39of a life that already felt whole, that
19:42already felt complete. And finally, I
19:44built a relationship with myself that
19:47nobody else had to maintain. And this
19:50was probably the biggest gift that
19:52healing my inferiority complex gave me.
19:55I stopped expecting another person to
19:58constantly convince me and reassure me
20:01that I was enough. Because that was
20:02never their job. Their job is to love
20:06me. My job is to know my worth and to
20:08know that I am lovable, that I am
20:11deserving of that love. And these are
20:13two completely different
20:14responsibilities. The more I took
20:17responsibility for the way that I saw
20:20myself, the way that I treated myself,
20:23the less pressure I placed on other
20:25people I dated to fulfill that thing, to
20:28do that instead of me. It allowed love
20:30to stop feeling like it was so fragile
20:33and so like sensitive and so risky. If I
20:37lost it, I would lose everything that I
20:39expected that person to do for me. It
20:41stopped feeling like something that I
20:43had to constantly protect, to constantly
20:46earn, or that something that I had to
20:48constantly monitor so that it could
20:50prove to me what I kept doubting, which
20:53was my own worth and my own value. I
20:55learned to see myself as inherently
20:58worthy, not because of what I achieved
21:00or who chose me, but simply because I
21:03exist. And the final realization of this
21:05that changed literally everything was
21:08realizing that building a healthy
21:09relationship with yourself takes as much
21:13time, as much care and intention as
21:16building a healthy relationship with
21:17anyone else. Especially if you have
21:20spent so many years criticizing
21:22yourself, doubting yourself, abandoning
21:24yourself and breaking your own trust. So
21:27instead of trying to fix myself, I
21:29started to getting to know myself. I
21:31started to build trust with myself. I
21:34became my own friend and I learned how
21:36to love myself in the ways that myself
21:38wanted and needed. And then I kept
21:41showing up for that relationship over
21:44and over again, even when it wasn't
21:45easy. And because that's how every
21:47healthy relationship is built. And deep
21:49down I knew that until I learned how to
21:52have a healthy relationship with myself,
21:54I wouldn't really know how to build one
21:57with anyone else. So for the first time,
22:00I was able to simply receive love. And
22:03not because someone else suddenly just
22:07started loving me differently, but
22:09because I had finally learned how to
22:11believe it. I learned how to believe
22:13that I was deserving of it. Healing my
22:15inferiority complex didn't make me think
22:17that that I was better than anyone else.
22:20It just helped me realize that nobody
22:23was better than me either. That we are
22:26all human, that we are all carrying
22:28different stories, different wounds,
22:30different fears, different challenges.
22:32And the difference is that once I became
22:35secure, I no longer went into my
22:37relationships with a question of will
22:40this person finally make me feel enough,
22:43finally make me feel complete. But I
22:46asked can I continue being the person
22:48that I've worked so hard to become while
22:52loving someone else, while being there
22:54for someone else. Because I no longer
22:55believe that the purpose of a
22:58relationship is to prove my worth. I
23:00didn't go into
23:02with the intention of proving that. I
23:05learned to believe that I am in
23:07relationships to share the version of me
23:09that already knows that I'm worthy, that
23:11already knows that I'm lovable. And I
23:13genuinely think that's where secure love
23:16begins. When it's a knowing inside of
23:19you. And that's exactly what I help
23:21people with now. Help them turn that
23:23relationship with their selves into a
23:26secure one, so their relationships that
23:29they're going to attract are going to
23:30mirror that instead of the insecure
23:33relationship they have with themselves.
23:35So, that's it for today, guys. Thank you
23:37so much for watching. If you have any
23:39questions, you can always let me know in
23:42the comments, and I will see you very
23:43soon.

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