Why Women Never Choose The Nice Guy — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00Where are all the good men at?
2. 0:01>> Are we in the middle of a good man
3. 0:04shortage?
4. 0:05>> Where are all the good men?
5. 0:06>> Where are we meeting the men that don't
6. 0:08suck?
7. 0:08>> Get out there, please.
8. 0:13>> Men simply stopped engaging. They
9. 0:14stopped showing up.
10. 0:16>> That's something women ask online all
11. 0:17the time, and it begs the question,
12. 0:20what constitutes a good man? I saw a
13. 0:22comment on Instagram that I can't stop
14. 0:24thinking about. It said, "I'm trapped in
15. 0:26a generation where I don't know whether
16. 0:27to buy her flowers or ignore her to get
17. 0:30her to like me."
18. 0:31Has popular media conditioned women to
19. 0:33desire emotionally unavailable men and
20. 0:35therefore made men less emotionally
21. 0:37available or vice versa?
22. 0:40Let's dive in. I want to run an
23. 0:41experiment on you. I'm going to describe
24. 0:42two of the most beloved romance movies
25. 0:45ever made,
26. 0:46and I want you to spot the glitch. In
27. 0:48the movie The Notebook, Allie is engaged
28. 0:49to Lon. Lon is the perfect example of a
29. 0:52man that any mother would want her
30. 0:53daughter to marry. Successful, devoted,
31. 0:55and genuinely kind. She's got a good
32. 0:57future ahead of her.
33. 0:59But then what happens? She runs into her
34. 1:01ex, Noah, whose entire original
35. 1:03courtship strategy was threatening to
36. 1:05jump off a Ferris wheel and die unless
37. 1:07she'd go out with him, which honestly
38. 1:09sounds like a better way to get a
39. 1:10restraining order than a date, but now
40. 1:13Allie has to make a choice. Stay
41. 1:15faithful to the good man she's engaged
42. 1:17to or reignite a spicy new romance with
43. 1:20her chaotic ex. In the end, Noah gets
44. 1:22the girl, Lon gets the cha, and
45. 1:25it's all framed as a happy ending. It's
46. 1:27a story as old as time. And here's
47. 1:29another example from one of the most
48. 1:31popular movies ever. In Titanic, Rose is
49. 1:33engaged to Cal. Cal is successful,
50. 1:35well-connected, and a totally secure bet
51. 1:37for the future.
52. 1:39The only problem is Rose feels bored and
53. 1:42disconnected from that life. Something
54. 1:43is missing. Then, she meets Jack, who is
55. 1:46everything that Cal isn't. Just like
56. 1:48Noah in The Notebook, Jack is totally
57. 1:51broke, impulsive, and romantic. Over
58. 1:53just four days, Rose decides to leave
59. 1:56Cal to pursue a life with Jack. Jack's
60. 1:59entire five-year plan is just see where
61. 2:02the wind takes me. And the wind, as we
62. 2:04all know,
63. 2:06takes him to the bottom of the Atlantic.
64. 2:07Rose spends the next 84 years treating
65. 2:10those four days as the most real thing
66. 2:13that ever happened to her. She literally
67. 2:15dies thinking about him, and the entire
68. 2:17time she's telling the story, Cal is
69. 2:19framed as the villain in her mind. The
70. 2:21safe man isn't just portrayed as the
71. 2:23loser in the love triangle. He's the
72. 2:26obstacle standing between the woman and
73. 2:29real love. Jason Pargin broke my brain
74. 2:31with this insight. He says, "I grew up
75. 2:33with tons and tons of movies that kept
76. 2:35saying the worst thing a man could be is
77. 2:37a grown-up. You'd see a love triangle
78. 2:38where the guy you're supposed to be
79. 2:39rooting against, his only sin is that
80. 2:42he's kind of normal. He's got a job and
81. 2:45he's responsible. But then some other
82. 2:47guy comes along and it doesn't matter
83. 2:48that he sleeps in his car. Or if both
84. 2:51guys are financially stable, you're
85. 2:52supposed to root for the one who's less
86. 2:54emotionally stable, the one who's more
87. 2:57childlike." Jason even handles the
88. 2:59objection where you could say, "Oh well,
89. 3:01Cal wasn't a good guy in Titanic. He was
90. 3:03evil." But the evil part didn't come out
91. 3:05until later. The thing that established
92. 3:07him as undesirable was that he spent his
93. 3:09time having boring conversations instead
94. 3:11of partying. Modern romance culture
95. 3:14isn't just telling stories, it's shaping
96. 3:16selection criteria. Across movies,
97. 3:18media, and even mainstream dating
98. 3:20advice, women are subtly conditioned to
99. 3:22seek out emotional unavailability and
100. 3:24volatility
101. 3:26as signs of desirability. In Twilight,
102. 3:28Edward Cullen is dangerous, obsessive,
103. 3:30and emotionally tortured, and that's
104. 3:32precisely what makes him desirable.
105. 3:34Bella's rejection of Jacob, who's warm
106. 3:36and grounded, underscores the trope.
107. 3:38Safe is boring, danger is hot.
108. 3:41Similarly, A Star Is Born presents
109. 3:43Ally's rise and Jackson Maine's spiral
110. 3:45as tragically intertwined. Her love is
111. 3:48deepened, not diminished, by how much he
112. 3:51unravels. The result is a generation of
113. 3:53women confusing conflict with
114. 3:55compatibility, drama with depth,
115. 3:57and brokenness with passion. Rather than
116. 4:00choosing partners based on emotional
117. 4:01maturity or shared values or long-term
118. 4:04compatibility, so many women are drawn
119. 4:07to conflict, aloofness, and
120. 4:09unavailability. This is a twist on
121. 4:11something called the Byronic hero. It's
122. 4:13a literary archetype based on the
123. 4:15persona of the poet Lord Byron. He's
124. 4:17usually emotionally isolated or
125. 4:19unavailable, morally ambiguous or
126. 4:21anti-heroic, at odds with society or
127. 4:24authority, and marked by a tragic past
128. 4:26or trauma.
129. 4:28And women are often drawn to him
130. 4:30despite his destructiveness. Even modern
131. 4:33women's magazines keep repackaging
132. 4:35difficult as passionate. Teen Vogue runs
133. 4:38headlines like super bad, why are smart
134. 4:40girls drawn to bad boys? The Sun gushes
135. 4:43about why the sexiest stars go for the
136. 4:45bad man. The takeaway is if he's cold,
137. 4:47complicated, or broken,
138. 4:50he must be worth it. Safety is sterile
139. 4:52and suffering is sexy. It's the he's
140. 4:54hard to love, but I can fix him fantasy
141. 4:57repackaged over and over again. The sad
142. 5:00thing is that the high emotionality of
143. 5:01the stories only works if the girl
144. 5:03chooses the guy who acts like a
145. 5:05teenager. But can you imagine what would
146. 5:07happen if The Notebook had actually
147. 5:09given an honest portrayal of what their
148. 5:11relationship would have been like over
149. 5:1210 or 20 or 30 years? There's a
150. 5:16neuroscience trick being played on us
151. 5:17here. Our brains confuse scarcity with
152. 5:20value. That's why emotional
153. 5:22unavailability is often mistaken for
154. 5:24worth. The harder he is to access,
155. 5:27the more meaningful his eventual
156. 5:29affection feels. But realistically, this
157. 5:32just prioritizes partners who aren't
158. 5:34capable of commitment over ones who have
159. 5:37their act together and are ready to go.
160. 5:39It's emotional immaturity masquerading
161. 5:42as romantic spark, and it works on the
162. 5:44exact same mechanism as addiction.
163. 5:47You are not in love, you're hooked.
164. 5:50Variable schedule reward is the bullseye
165. 5:52of dopamine. It's how slot machines work
166. 5:54and why social media is so compelling.
167. 5:55Our brains are wired to think that if
168. 5:57something is scarce or intermittent,
169. 6:00it must be precious. So, if someone
170. 6:01stops texting us or if we feel like
171. 6:03they're drifting away, all of a sudden
172. 6:05our brain says,
173. 6:08"They must be important." If someone
174. 6:09says, "Here I am, I genuinely like you
175. 6:12and would very much want to commit."
176. 6:15Our brains respond with, "What's wrong
177. 6:17with you?" But if you treat me like
178. 6:18crap, you're in and out of my life, you
179. 6:20text me a bit and then you go cold and
180. 6:21disappear, many people think,
181. 6:24"Perhaps they're the one." We have
182. 6:26taught women to interpret emotional
183. 6:28inconsistency as romantic tension, to
184. 6:31believe that love is meant to be hard
185. 6:33earned, not freely given. And this has
186. 6:35real consequences. It normalizes
187. 6:38dysfunction. It rewires attraction
188. 6:40around trauma. It sidelines healthy men
189. 6:42and glorifies emotionally stunted ones.
190. 6:45And it leaves women feeling like
191. 6:47emotional burnouts is the price they
192. 6:49have to pay for passion. This is why
193. 6:51many guys have little sympathy for the
194. 6:53question, "Where are all the good men?"
195. 6:55Because whether it's true or not, some
196. 6:58men feel like they've shown up ready and
197. 6:59able to fully commit to the future,
198. 7:01only to have been denied for a real or
199. 7:04imagined bad boy. Women set the
200. 7:07standards for sex and men meet them.
201. 7:08This is an idea from Roy Baumeister. He
202. 7:10says, "Men will do whatever is required
203. 7:12in order to obtain sex and perhaps not a
204. 7:15great deal more." One of us
205. 7:17characterized this in previous work as,
206. 7:19"If women would stop sleeping with
207. 7:20jerks, men would stop being jerks." If,
208. 7:23in order to obtain sex, men must become
209. 7:25pillars of the community or lie or amass
210. 7:28riches by fair means or foul or be
211. 7:30romantic or be funny, then men will do
212. 7:33precisely that.
213. 7:34Similarly, if men need to be broken,
214. 7:37flaky, non-committal and inconsistent,
215. 7:40they will meet those standards
216. 7:41appropriately. Now, I want to make it
217. 7:42clear I don't believe that women's mate
218. 7:45choices, modern romance culture, and
219. 7:47girly magazines are responsible for
220. 7:49emotionally unavailable men. Some men
221. 7:51are just Those guys suck, and
222. 7:53I'm sorry that you have to deal with
223. 7:55them.
224. 7:56But, those things aren't totally
225. 7:57unrelated, either.
226. 7:59What is needed is a clearer picture of
227. 8:01healthy connection. Alain de Botton has
228. 8:03this wonderful insight. He says, "It can
229. 8:05take a very long time indeed for some of
230. 8:06us to come to a highly basic-sounding
231. 8:09realization. We should only contemplate
232. 8:11going out with people who are very
233. 8:12enthusiastic about us from the start,
234. 8:15without the need for persuasion, without
235. 8:17any call for begging or chasing, without
236. 8:20strategic withholding of affection,
237. 8:22without visits to therapy, just plainly
238. 8:24and simply keen, open, and ready from
239. 8:27the get-go. We can be forgiven for being
240. 8:29deeply charmed by all the others, the
241. 8:32coy and troubled ones, those who don't
242. 8:34reply to our messages, those whose
243. 8:35difficult childhoods render them
244. 8:37enchantingly off-kilter. But, this is a
245. 8:39game we can, in the end,
246. 8:42ill afford. It is not love if you need
247. 8:44to keep messaging and they rarely reply.
248. 8:47It is not love if they are evasive or
249. 8:49surreptitiously liking someone else's
250. 8:51posts. It is not love if they get
251. 8:53defensive or describe your legitimate
252. 8:55requirements for attention as too
253. 8:57intense.
254. 8:58Let's say it again for good measure.
255. 9:01The only worthwhile lovers are ones who
256. 9:03don't need persuading, those who like us
257. 9:06a lot already, those who never leave us
258. 9:08wondering where they are or when they'll
259. 9:10reply, those whose commitment to us
260. 9:12flows so easily that all the focus can
261. 9:15be on the difficulties of living
262. 9:17day-to-day. Life is already difficult
263. 9:19enough without also trying to convince
264. 9:21someone to commit to us in the way we're
265. 9:23already prepared to commit to them. The
266. 9:26others may be fascinating, beautiful,
267. 9:28and about to change their mind in 15 and
268. 9:301/2 years or after a trip to India. They
269. 9:32may generate lots of late-night
270. 9:34arguments and make for a great movie or
271. 9:35a fascinating psychoanalytical case
272. 9:37study.
273. 9:38They are also just a plain waste of our
274. 9:41precious time. Is this everything that's
275. 9:45wrong with the modern dating market?
276. 9:47Obviously not.
277. 9:48Is it a big part of it?
278. 9:51I think so. The question we need to ask
279. 9:53is what are we teaching people to look
280. 9:55for when it comes to relating? And women
281. 9:58specifically, because for the most part
282. 9:59they are the selectors. Men are the
283. 10:01pursuers and women are the selectors. If
284. 10:04you're the one doing the selecting, what
285. 10:06rules and advice are you being given
286. 10:09about how to choose?
287. 10:11I do think there's a lot to this theory.
288. 10:13Very intermittent reinforcement gets
289. 10:15confused with emotional spark. It
290. 10:17results in good committed men being seen
291. 10:19as broken or needy because the subtext
292. 10:22every woman has been told is if he's
293. 10:25there and ready for you from the
294. 10:27beginning, transparent about his needs
295. 10:28and his wants,
296. 10:30there must be something wrong with him
297. 10:32because love isn't supposed to be easy.
298. 10:34It's supposed to be effortful. Whether
299. 10:36through personal experience, watching
300. 10:38culture, or hearing stories from
301. 10:40friends, men will adjust their behavior
302. 10:43accordingly. If the choice becomes, do I
303. 10:45buy her flowers or do I ignore her texts
304. 10:47to make her like me,
305. 10:49be careful what you wish for. Again,
306. 10:51women are not to blame for the way that
307. 10:53men show up in relationships, but
308. 10:56everybody responds to incentives. So, be
309. 10:59careful what incentives you give the
310. 11:00people you say you want to be
311. 11:02emotionally open with because
312. 11:04doesn't it just sound better if love
313. 11:06could be easy and honest?