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Why Toddlers Are Unpredictable: Hitting, Bedtime Battles, Screaming & More — Transcript

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0:00Once you show weakness, they'll go in.
0:02They pick up on that. They [music] love
0:04the fact that they can control you.
0:06>> What's the difference between timeout
0:07and removing the child from the fun?
0:09>> I hate timeout. I can't stand it.
0:10>> How do you [music] really feel, Mom?
0:12>> Imagine if you made a mistake at work
0:13and your boss said, "You go sit in the
0:14corner and you think about what you
0:15did." And then when you sit in the
0:17corner for 5 minutes, then he goes over
0:18and then you just he discusses what you
0:20did wrong. Welcome to the Bratbusters
0:22Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa
0:24Bunage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a
0:25mom. I'm also a grandmother.
0:27>> And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter.
0:29and I handle the marketing and planning
0:30[music] here at Bratbusters. While I
0:32don't have kids, each episode we'll dive
0:34into parenting topics and Lisa will
0:36answer your questions. Let's get
0:38started. Okay, Sugar Lump, what are we
0:41talking about today? Today's topic is
0:44all about toddlers. So, we just have
0:45some general toddler parenting questions
0:47and it's all about the parents reaction
0:49to their toddler.
0:51>> Okay. Oh, okay. So, I think before we
0:53get into the questions, because we have
0:54quite a few here, I think you haven't
0:56talked about your top five tips for
0:58parenting toddlers for a while, I think.
1:00No, I just talked about it. I just did a
1:02live and I did it during a live. So, I
1:04did just talk about it, just not on a
1:05podcast. So, okay. These are my top five
1:08tips for parenting toddlers. Number one,
1:10childproof your home so you never have
1:12to say no. And that's a bit of a
1:13stretch. You might still have to say no,
1:15but you're eliminating a lot of them.
1:17Number two, set up a toy rotation system
1:19so they're never bored. Uh, number
1:21three, you connect with toddlers in
1:23their world, never in your world. This
1:24can be reset for any age really, but a
1:26good example is you don't take them out
1:28to a cafe to connect with them. It's
1:30okay, but a real stronger connection is
1:32you go to the park and roll down the
1:34hill with them. You play in their world
1:36with them. Okay? And number three, oh, I
1:39already said that one. Number four is
1:40you discipline toddlers in their world.
1:42It's kind of the same idea. They're not
1:44about words, they're about actions. You
1:46know that thing where that I' i've heard
1:47this said before and I never I don't
1:49know what else is out there but clients
1:50tell me stuff. You know that thing where
1:52they say when they're acting out or
1:54having a tantrum, you get on their
1:56level, you squat down, get on their
1:57level, hold their hands, get eye
1:59contact, and you say, "Use your words."
2:01That is so patronizing. Their tantrum,
2:04they're screaming. They're what they're
2:06throwing things. That is their words.
2:09Those are their words. Respect that.
2:11Work with them in their world. Okay? You
2:13enter their world. Don't try and drag
2:14them up to your adult world. It's
2:15inappropriate. It's just ridiculous.
2:17Okay, so stop with these many therapy
2:19sessions. You take action. You
2:21discipline them by using consistent
2:22corrective actions. If they do something
2:24naughty, you just say one word to start
2:26the discipline. You say no. And then you
2:28remove them from the fun or remove fun
2:30from them. If you don't have any fun to
2:32remove or remove them from, just remove
2:33yourself. Say no and then you can just
2:35leave the room. They'll start to get the
2:37message. And number five, stop trying to
2:39figure them out. By the way, to me, a
2:40toddler is 16 to 35 months. So stop
2:42trying to figure them out. They're not
2:44figure outable. They might even stick
2:45their hands down their pants and smear
2:47poop on the wall. Can you figure that
2:48one out? You know, they're just brand
2:50new. They're just going to try stuff.
2:51They have no context of the world. They
2:53don't have any wisdom or experience yet.
2:55They're just brand new, fresh human
2:56beings. Imagine if you've only been in
2:58the world for two years and the first
3:00year you were a potato laying on a
3:01mattress. Have respect for that. They're
3:03going to try stuff, okay? It just
3:05doesn't always make sense. And they
3:06might not try it just once. They might
3:07try it a hundred times. But when you get
3:09good at this uh consistent corrective
3:11actions, you're diminishing the bad bad
3:13behavior over a period of time. It's not
3:15going to happen right away.
3:16>> I think one more thing I want you to
3:18touch on before we get into the
3:19questions is you've talked a little bit
3:21more lately about what real connection
3:22actually looks like.
3:23>> Yeah, real connection and it's such a
3:25hard thing. I haven't got a real like
3:27what do they call that where you just
3:28have one sentence that sort of sums it
3:30up. A real connection is in their world.
3:33So, it's it's when you're in their world
3:35and when you are showing pure joy at
3:39being with them. It's when you're truly
3:42enjoying them. That is the ultimate
3:44connection. It's not going to happen
3:46constantly every single time
3:47necessarily, but that is when you're
3:49that's the gold in the connection is
3:51let's say you're playing blocks with
3:52them and all the blocks fall over and
3:55you both think it's hilarious and you
3:56both start laughing. That is connection.
3:59That's the ultimate connection. Just
4:00playing blocks with them is great. But
4:02if you both really like both belly laugh
4:05and obviously you're you're in that
4:07state of joy, so are they and they
4:09understand what's just happening. That
4:11is the ultimate.
4:12>> I'm going to give an example of this is
4:14my mom loves soap. You love your soap so
4:18much.
4:19>> Oh, do I love soap?
4:20>> She if I
4:21>> I love anything cleaning myself cleaning
4:23the my home. I just love cleaning. If I
4:25asked to see her soap collection, she
4:29bounds towards it and shows me for 10
4:32minutes going through each one, each
4:34bar, how she's going to use it, why
4:36she's going to use it in that order. And
4:37again, I have things like this. If you
4:39ask me about my cooking, I I light up.
4:42So, I do think it's about that
4:44connection. It's obviously different
4:45because we're motheraughter who are I'm
4:4831, but it is that like you're
4:50connecting in someone's world.
4:52>> In someone's world, they just light up.
4:54Like if she asks about my soap, it's
4:56[laughter] like depends which bar I'm
4:57using ne next. It's when the moon, the
4:59stars are all aligned in a certain
5:01>> and it'll be like 30 minutes later we'll
5:02be doing something totally different.
5:03You'll be like, "Oh, and one other thing
5:05about my soap."
5:06>> Oh, I forgot to mention. [laughter]
5:09And it's not even fancy soap. It's just
5:11standard soap you get at the
5:12supermarket. I just love my I love
5:14cleaning. But yeah, it's like that. You
5:16see, even now I'm all excited. Now I
5:18want to talk about soap. That's what
5:19kids are like. You show an interest in
5:21their world, they light up. I literally
5:23lit up when you were saying that. It's
5:25crazy. So, it's like that. That's
5:26connection. See, now we're more
5:28connected.
5:28>> I know. I feel it. The energy
5:30>> the energy has just shifted. Okay.
5:32>> Okay. We'll get into the the questions.
5:34So, Caitlyn from the United States.
5:36What's the difference between timeout
5:37and removing the child from the fun? My
5:39toddler's 2 and 1/2 years old. If he's
5:41hitting or not obeying, we remove him
5:43from the action and have him sit on the
5:44stairs for 2 minutes. He can still talk
5:46to us when he's in timeout, and he can
5:48jump right back into play after. How is
5:50this different from removing the child
5:52from the fun?
5:53>> Well, timeout is usually done alone. You
5:55send them off somewhere and they have to
5:56sit there and they usually are ignored.
5:57Okay? But if you're sitting time uh
6:00removing them from the fun is you take
6:01them with you for a couple of minutes or
6:03so. So, you're sitting with them. Now,
6:04if they're screaming, you do ignore
6:06them. But if they're just being quiet
6:08and they're not acting out, then I would
6:09be chatting with them. But I don't chat
6:11about why they're sitting in timeout. I
6:13might just be talking about, "Oh, did we
6:14play blocks the other day? Wasn't that
6:16fun?" I'm just making, you know, nice
6:18conversation with them, but not if
6:20they're screaming and all that, then I
6:21just ignore them. But yeah, timeout is
6:23generally done alone. And uh and then
6:26just removing them from the fun is done
6:28with you. They're with you. That's the
6:30difference. I hate timeout. I can't
6:32stand it.
6:33>> How do you really feel, Mom?
6:34>> I hate it.
6:35>> Okay, the next one's Amanda from the
6:36United States.
6:37>> Because I think it's mean.
6:39>> Do you want to go more into it?
6:40>> Yeah, I do, obviously. [laughter]
6:42>> And I still want to talk about soap
6:43anyway. Um, so yeah, timeout is like
6:46Imagine if you made a mistake at work
6:47and your boss said you go sit in the
6:49corner and you think about what you did
6:50and then when you sit in the corner for
6:52five minutes then he goes over and then
6:53you dis he discusses what you did wrong.
6:56It it think about it. It's exactly like
6:57that. It's demoralizing. It's mean. It's
7:00it's just embarrassing and it doesn't
7:02teach them any lesson. All they're doing
7:04when they're sitting in that naughty
7:05chair or whatever, they're just sitting
7:06there feeling like garbage. They're not
7:08thinking about what they did wrong and
7:09how they're going to correct their
7:10behavior. They're just sitting there
7:12feeling like crap. That's why I hate it.
7:14>> Okay. Shall we get into the next
7:15question?
7:16>> Okay, now
7:17>> Amanda from the United States. I'm
7:18reaching out because I'm not sure what
7:20to do. We're really struggling with our
7:2121-month-old sleep. She's been a
7:23terrible sleeper since day one. Almost
7:25every night for weeks, she's been waking
7:27up crying. Sometimes to the point of a
7:28complete breakdown. It takes so long,
7:30sometimes hours to get her back to
7:32sleep, and many times she still refuses.
7:34Sometimes the only solution is to have
7:36mom lay with her. We've done all the
7:38things: nightlight, sound machine, fan,
7:40different blanket. Lately, she's even
7:42been having trouble falling asleep. We
7:44have to sit beside her in bed until
7:46she's asleep. We even converted her crib
7:48to a toddler bed to give her the ability
7:49to come and get to us if she's scared,
7:51and she still just wakes up and cries
7:53till someone goes to get her. We do not
7:55believe that it's night terrors. It
7:57seems to be more like an attachment
7:58issue. We did have a second baby who she
8:01loves about 3 months ago, but the waking
8:03up in the middle of the night started
8:04before baby 2 was born. I'm at a loss on
8:06what to do. Is it just a phase? Well, my
8:09first question if it was coaching, my
8:11first question would be you said I ha I
8:14have to sometimes get in bed with her.
8:16So then does she fall asleep quickly and
8:19easily when you're in bed with her? If
8:22she does, then this is a a separation
8:24thing. If she doesn't, then she does
8:26have sleep issues, right? So even if
8:28you're cuddling in bed with her and she
8:29still has problems falling asleep, then
8:31that is the problem. It's not so much a
8:33behavioral thing. It's more that is the
8:34problem. But I'm not u qualified to
8:36discuss that kind of stuff. It could go
8:38even into the medical stuff. Maybe she's
8:40not I don't know. You'd have to talk to
8:41the doctor if you're really concerned if
8:43she really does have sleep issues. So
8:45anyway, but let's just go with the
8:46behavior stuff. So, so when you do sleep
8:49with her, let's say she falls asleep
8:50right away. So then we know it's a
8:51behavioral issue or something we should
8:53be able to correct. So what you can do
8:55is I would never get in bed with her and
8:56you put her in a toddler bed, but she
8:57just yells for you to come and get her.
8:59She is really little. She's only 20
9:01months old. I can see why she wouldn't
9:03get up, but I would rather her get out
9:04of bed and walk down the hall and find
9:06you. But you want to be sort of nearby
9:08where she can easily find you. Light up
9:10the place with night lights. So she
9:12shouldn't I don't want her in the dark,
9:13okay? If she's scared, make sure she has
9:15nightlights in her room. Make sure you
9:16have nightlights going down the hall.
9:18You want her to come out of her room.
9:19That's important. So you can walk her
9:21back to bed. And then you say you stay
9:23in bed now. And then you just keep you
9:25do that again. Every time she gets out,
9:26you put her back to bed kicking and
9:27screaming. Only one body part has to
9:29touch that mattress. The second time you
9:31put her to bed, you just say one word.
9:33Just say bedtime. Every time after that,
9:35you don't look at her, talk to her, but
9:37you look like you're half asleep. You
9:38don't look angry or anything. And you
9:40move slow. You You can be s This can be
9:42a soothing thing, too. Like you're just
9:44calmly walking her back to bed. But
9:46there's another level to this. If it if
9:47she's really struggling, she is still
9:49really young. So, what I would probably
9:51do with her at her age is I would set up
9:53a chair beside her bed, sit in that
9:55chair in the dark, like just with a
9:57nightlight. Sit there and give her your
9:59hand and you look like you're falling
10:01asleep in the chair. Do not let her
10:03crawling to your lap. You just keep
10:05putting her back in her bed and look
10:06like you're nodding off. You're right
10:08there. Okay, she's she has no reason to
10:10be scared. Another layer to this is does
10:13she sleep too much during the day? Does
10:15she have huge long naps? Maybe she's
10:17outgrown naps. My kids were really tiny
10:19when they outgrew regular naps, way
10:21younger than that. So, yeah. U maybe
10:23she's just getting too much sleep and
10:24she's not tired by the time she goes to
10:26bed. That could be part of it, too. Does
10:28that sound good enough? I got so many
10:30different ideas with that. But yeah, I
10:31like the idea because of her age setting
10:33up a chair for you beside her bed and
10:35then look like you're nodding off. You
10:36don't talk to her. You don't do you just
10:39give her your hand. She can hold your
10:40hand and you can rub her back if you
10:42want, but don't look at her and don't
10:44talk to her. Look like you're falling
10:45asleep.
10:46>> Is it the idea that you want it to be as
10:48boring as possible?
10:48>> Oh yes. You want to look like you
10:50couldn't be more boring. She's got no
10:52reason to stay awake cuz you couldn't be
10:53more boring. you talk about that is that
10:55sometimes it's like they hear you out
10:57having a party outside and
10:59>> well that's another level to it too.
11:01Yeah. You don't want to sound like
11:02you're having a part out there like you
11:04just if she does come out to get you
11:06just be sitting there reading books or
11:07something like look like you're not
11:09talking or anything because you you're
11:10going through this process with her.
11:12Okay. So you want to make there's no
11:13real reason to get out of bed because
11:15nothing exciting is happening.
11:16>> Okay. The next one's
11:18>> but by the way she's too young to think
11:19that through. That's why I didn't really
11:20talk about that at her age. She's just
11:22too young. She's in her own little world
11:23at that point. Anyway, go on.
11:25>> My daughter, who's two, is having a very
11:26hard time with becoming a big sister to
11:28her little sister who's six months old.
11:30She snatches toys from the baby, tells
11:32us, "I don't want the baby here anymore,
11:35and we'll try to put things on the
11:36baby's head like a towel or blanket. It
11:38was getting better, but recently felt
11:40like it was getting worse again. I was
11:41home for 6 months. Recently, we went
11:43back to work to the office 3 days a
11:45week, which I think has something to do
11:46with this. She's home between different
11:48grandparents and my husband so she's
11:50always in the comfort of her own home
11:51with people that she loves very much.
11:53How do I help her to love her sister and
11:55be kind and have kind words? What I am
11:58doing must not be enough and I feel very
12:00sad about it. It could just take time
12:02too. They're all different, right? So,
12:04um, but yeah, if you have a
12:06six-month-old and a 2-year-old who's not
12:07adjusting very well, I would make sure
12:10that whenever you've got the
12:11six-month-old, I'd be talking to the
12:122-year-old. Um, so that you holding the
12:15six-month-old does not sort of diminish
12:17your attachment to her. You can still be
12:19talking to her. Also, when you're
12:21playing with her, have the six-month-old
12:22there, and you have the six-month-old
12:24sitting there, but you're not trying to
12:26include them so much, but you're right
12:28there with the six-month old. In other
12:29words, you want the proximity to the
12:31six-month-old to be a positive. Okay?
12:32Okay, cuz you're playing with her,
12:34playing blocks or magnetiles or
12:35whatever, but you're holding the
12:36six-month-old. Okay, the six-month-old
12:39gets fussy, hopefully pass it off to
12:40dad. It pass her off to dad. Um, so
12:44yeah, you want her to associate
12:45positivity with the six-month-old. I
12:47want to touch on this because I do hear
12:49this kind of sentiment a lot from
12:50parents who are they have the two under
12:53two or two under three is that they
12:56almost feel like it's their fault that
12:57their toddler is not getting along with
12:59a baby.
13:00>> Um, yeah. Well, it is your fault that
13:02you had kids close in age. [laughter]
13:04If you've got a two-year-old and a
13:06newborn, that's kind of your fault. I
13:08mean, yeah, it it's not always going to
13:10be smooth sailing. So, yeah. Uh I
13:13wouldn't worry about it. You know,
13:14they're all different. Some of them are
13:15just really easygoing and it's not going
13:17to bother them. Uh don't it's just a
13:19glitch in parenting. Like, they should
13:21get over it eventually. They get used to
13:23having that baby around, but you want
13:25the association to be positive with the
13:27baby. You don't want that every time
13:28that they you pick up the baby that
13:30they're ignored. Okay, that's why I went
13:32on to that. But yeah, they're all
13:33different. Some of them could care less
13:35if a baby's there and they won't ever
13:36bother them. Some of them want to mother
13:38the baby or be around the baby and are
13:40really good to them. They're all
13:41different. You've just got a 2-year-old.
13:42They're unpredictable. Okay, so yeah,
13:44don't worry. It's not your fault.
13:45They're just going to They're all
13:46different. I think that's just an
13:48important thing that I wanted to note,
13:49especially with this like toddler parent
13:51age is you might go to a playgr and then
13:53the lady next to you is like, "Oh,
13:55they're just so sweet and gentle and
13:56they're so kind." And like that can be
13:58hard to not compare yourself.
14:00I see this a lot when I'm out with my
14:03granddaughter and I do like group events
14:04with little toddlers and that and I
14:06[laughter] see there's there's often one
14:08who's just a holy terror. You know, the
14:10one that's hitting all the other kids,
14:12throwing them, trying just a disaster,
14:14right? getting into just one mess after
14:17the other trying to hurt everyone. That
14:19mother is humiliated. She's like,
14:21"What's wrong with me?" It's not your
14:24fault that he's has that in him, but it
14:26is your job to train him out of it
14:28eventually. Okay? Usually by the age of
14:30three, that stuff can stop if you're a
14:31good leader. But until then, I always
14:33feel sorry for those parents [laughter]
14:35because all these other kids are just
14:37sitting there around the circle singing
14:38and your kids running around bonking
14:40everyone on the head. [laughter] But you
14:42talk about that that high energy can be
14:44a real asset in the future.
14:46>> It can be. I mean, that could be the kid
14:47that's the leader of tomorrow. You know,
14:49it doesn't it it's not necessarily a bad
14:51personality trait. It's a bad toddler
14:53trait. Yes. But overall, it can turn
14:55into a real positive down the road. So,
14:58it doesn't mean that they're evil.
14:59They're just toddlers. They're just, you
15:01know, people overthink it too much is
15:03what I'm saying.
15:04>> Okay. The next one's Misty from the
15:05United States. My daughter's two years
15:07old.
15:07>> Oh, sorry. One thing I want to say is,
15:10and you touched on this, when sometimes
15:12a mother will say, and I've seen this
15:14before, too. So, let's say there's a mom
15:16who's just at breaking point. I can see
15:17it. She's at breaking point. She's just
15:19about to cry. And someone will say,
15:21"Yeah, you know, my kid hit once, too,
15:23and I just told them no." And I very
15:26gently just said no. And they
15:27understood, and they didn't do it again.
15:30[laughter]
15:30>> That what do I call that? Perfect
15:33polies. The perfect poly's. Yeah. All I
15:36did was this. you didn't have a kid who
15:38had that in it probably. You see, like I
15:40don't like that. I don't like it when
15:41you make it sound like all I did was
15:43this. Yeah, it's going to take time.
15:45Toddlers do not learn right away. And
15:48they're all different. They have
15:49different temperaments. There's four
15:50things they're either born to do or
15:51they're never going to do. One of them
15:53is aggressive behavior. The other one is
15:54climbing. Another one is running away
15:56from you in public. Another one is
15:58tantrums. Those are four things they're
15:59either born to do or they're never going
16:01to do. It's not your fault that they
16:03start doing them, but it is your
16:04responsibility to train them out of it
16:06over a period of time. Yeah, those
16:07perfect polies, they probably never had
16:09an aggressive child in the first place.
16:11They just had a kid who maybe tried
16:13hitting once. So, yeah, don't listen to
16:15those people. You know what I say? If I
16:17see a mom in a supermarket and she's
16:18really going through it, she's got a kid
16:20who's having a tantrum, I always walk
16:22past her and just say, "Been there." And
16:24usually they'll go, "Oh, thanks.
16:26Thanks." [laughter] Like, you're not
16:28alone. In other words, you're not alone.
16:30I feel like you see that in all areas.
16:31Like if somebody was maybe born into
16:33money and just it's always just come
16:35easy and they go, "Oh, well, if you need
16:36some money, you just sell some of the
16:38items in your closet, you know, like
16:39Chanel really goes for a lot these
16:41days."
16:42>> Yeah. And it's like [snorts] they say,
16:43"Well, I don't know why people worry
16:44about money because we weren't born with
16:46a silver spoon in our in our mouths like
16:47you were." So, yeah, it's like that. I
16:49mean, a lot of it's the luck of the
16:51draw, right? You just get a a kid who's
16:52super a toddler who's super easy. Or you
16:55might get one who is a little Tasmanian
16:57devil, but they they can learn not to be
16:59that way.
17:00>> Okay, the next one's Misty from the
17:01United States. Daughters, too. As of
17:03about 2 weeks ago, car rides have become
17:05quite difficult. During a car ride, I
17:08will usually give her a car toy and her
17:10water. Recently, she's decided to throw
17:12her water almost immediately and then
17:13call my name and cry the entire car ride
17:15for me to grab the water. I'm obviously
17:17driving, so I'm unable to get the water
17:19for her. So typically her behavior
17:20escalates a bit and she will throw her
17:22toy and her shoes eventually. I've made
17:24the mistake of reaching back and
17:26grabbing her water for her again and she
17:27will just throw it again. So I've
17:29started to just let her cry the entire
17:31drive and turn up the music a bit to
17:32ignore. I also will not grab her water
17:34or toy for her until we are done with
17:36our drive. Is this the correct way to do
17:38it? What would you do? How would you
17:40handle the situation? Should I not give
17:42her anything in the car? It's become
17:43quite frustrating of an experience for
17:45me.
17:46>> Yeah, you already answered it. You gave
17:47her weapons. you give her something to
17:48throw. Uh, she doesn't need any food or
17:50drink. I'm sure she gets that when she's
17:52not in the car, right? I would wait till
17:53I get somewhere. No food, drink, toys,
17:56and take her shoes off so she can't take
17:57them off and throw those. Don't let her
17:59have a weapon. And also in the car,
18:01maybe put some of her music on and then
18:03sing the songs. If she starts screaming,
18:05just let the music play quietly and just
18:07ignore her. Don't Don't turn the music
18:09up. It's like you're trying to match
18:11her. You don't [clears throat] want to
18:13like do that. You just want to keep the
18:14music quieter and then eventually she
18:16should stop because she's going to learn
18:18that she's got nothing to throw her
18:20music on. Make sure it's something that
18:21she likes and then when she does stop
18:23acting out then you can start quietly
18:25singing. If she starts screaming again,
18:27you stop singing but let the music
18:28continue to play. You want it to be a
18:30background soothing thing. But your
18:32singing could be it can antagonize her
18:34even more. So if she does start
18:36screaming as soon as you start singing,
18:37stop singing. Go quiet. But yeah, don't
18:39give her weapons. [laughter]
18:41I always say that parents will say, "I
18:42don't know what to do. They're in the
18:43back seat throwing their toys at each
18:45other." Well, you're giving them weapons
18:46and they're not getting along. You
18:48already told me they they fight all the
18:49time and you're giving them all these
18:50weapons in the car and then you're
18:52careening off the road trying because
18:53you're getting hit in the head. Yeah.
18:55They don't need they don't need toys or
18:57food or drink in the car.
18:59>> Okay. The next one's Donna from
19:00>> Sorry. If you're doing a long trip, you
19:02want to take frequent stops that you can
19:04get out and feed them and, you know,
19:05play with them, run them around. So, but
19:06yeah. Sorry, babe.
19:07>> It's okay. I think we need a counter for
19:09this episode. every single time I've
19:10tried to start a [laughter] question,
19:12>> but I I always think of something else
19:13to say, but I'll try not I'll try not
19:15to.
19:15>> No, [laughter] you're allowed to.
19:18Okay. Donna from the United States. How
19:20do you address an 18-month-old who's
19:22biting and pulling his hair his sister's
19:23hair?
19:24>> Oh. Uh I don't know if she's older or
19:27younger, but that's really not the point
19:28anyway. Yeah. You just you just say no,
19:30and then you pull him away from the
19:32sister, right? And you say no and then
19:33you console the sister. He's a little
19:35bit young for this, but he is in the
19:36toddler stage. I consider a toddler 16
19:38to 35 months. Okay? So he's in the top.
19:40So then you fuss over the sister. So if
19:43he grabs her hair, you say no and then
19:45you go fuss over the sister. That is his
19:47discipline. So when you grab her hair,
19:49she gets lots of love and an attention.
19:51Okay? That is his discipline. That's his
19:53you're showing him that that's the
19:54consequence for hitting your sister. But
19:56don't let him get subsequent hits in.
19:58Don't trust him. So if he goes for her
20:00again, try to stop it and then you fuss
20:02over her. treat his attempt at a future
20:05hair pull just like he's pulled her
20:06hair. You go, "Nope." And then you say
20:08to the sister, "Oh, you're okay. He
20:10almost got you there." You see, you want
20:12to train him out of that, but it's going
20:13to take time, by the way, cuz she
20:15screams, you get upset. It's a big It's
20:17a big accelerator for him. It's a bit of
20:19a high for him. Don't make it that way.
20:21Calm it down. You always talk slow, talk
20:23low, say, "Nope." And then you fuss over
20:25her. He will not like that. He'll learn
20:28eventually. By the way, that's going to
20:29take a while. I'd say 3 to six weeks.
20:33Well, I'm just giving you time to
20:35[laughter] I know and I purposely would
20:36didn't want to say anything that
20:39Okay, the next one is Esther from Spain.
20:412-year-old loves screaming when we're at
20:43home. He screams when he's happy, when
20:45he's excited, and even when he's calling
20:47for us. It doesn't seem to be out of
20:48anger. It's just his way of expressing
20:50himself. I've tried two different
20:52approaches. I calmly tell him that we
20:53don't scream indoors and ask him to use
20:55a quiet voice. He seems to understand in
20:57the moment. He even puts his fingers on
20:59his lips and says, "Shh." But within a
21:01few seconds, he's screaming again. I've
21:03also tried ignoring the behavior, hoping
21:05it won't be reinforced. However, I find
21:07it quite difficult to stay consistent
21:09because the screaming's loud, and I'm
21:10worried about disturbing neighbors. I
21:12usually end up reminding him to stop so
21:13I know I'm not being cons consistent. At
21:16this point, I feel lost. Is this just a
21:18normal phase for a 2-year-old? Is there
21:20anything more effective that I can do to
21:21reduce the screaming? Most kids will try
21:23it. Um, but uh and then you said, "God,
21:26you got my hands tied when you talked
21:28about the neighbors because that's
21:29really tricky because you got to let him
21:30scream." You got to kind of let him
21:32scream at some point. But anyway, let's
21:33assume that the neighbors aren't
21:34involved yet or it's not that bad. Let's
21:36say they're out. Okay. So, he's
21:38screaming and then you go, "Ooh." I
21:40would touch my ears and I go, "Ooh." And
21:42then I'd walk away. But the problem with
21:45that is a lot of parents don't do the
21:46second step, which is as soon as he
21:48stops screaming, you go in. You say,
21:49"Oh, do you want to read a book?" As
21:51soon as he scream, he's got to connect
21:53the dots. that as soon as I scream, I
21:55get ignored. But when I stop screaming,
21:57I get attention. It doesn't mean he gets
21:58attention all day long. But if he's been
22:00screaming and you ignore him, the second
22:02he stops, you go in. He's going to
22:04scream again. Then you go, "Oops, hold
22:06your ears and walk away again." You can
22:08go, "Oo, too loud." And then walk away.
22:10It's going to take, it's repetition,
22:12repetition, repetition. It's going to be
22:14hard. Give yourself a week at least of
22:16just solid doing this. You should see a
22:18change.
22:19>> Is it like in condo buildings how they
22:21put up like noise complaint? They're
22:22like, "Just let you know between these
22:24hours there's going to be some
22:25construction." Just put that up in your
22:27building and be like, "Just know."
22:29>> That's about it. That That's about it.
22:30The problem is that you can't predict
22:32what time it's going to happen. That's
22:33the problem.
22:34>> Yeah. Just use like the sweaty emoji
22:36next to it and be like, "I'm sorry."
22:37>> Yeah. [laughter] Sorry. Sorry. Um I have
22:40actually had clients who've had to do
22:42that. They've actually talked to
22:43neighbors and one of them said, "Look,
22:45if I if we treat you to a dinner because
22:47we're going through this process." So,
22:49they've actually bribed neighbors. Who
22:50wants muffins?
22:51>> Yeah, that's right. So, I've actually
22:53told them that. I said, "Look, you know,
22:54if you've got a good relationship with
22:55your neighbors, and kids are, you know,
22:57it can be annoying." I said, I would
22:58bribe them and say, "Look, I'm going
23:00through this training process. Can we
23:01treat you to dinner or, you know, get
23:03you, you know, you know what I mean? Do
23:04something nice.
23:05>> Treat ear muffs."
23:06>> Yeah, that's Yeah, that's [laughter]
23:07right. Treat the deer muffs. I didn't
23:08think about that one. That's a good one.
23:09I'll mention that next time. Okay. So,
23:12um yeah, you just got to go through the
23:14training. Unfortunately, he's got to
23:15connect the dots. That uh screaming, no
23:17attention, not screaming, I might get
23:20attention or I might not. Right? Like
23:21you don't have to give him attention all
23:23the time when he's not screaming, but
23:24it's got to be right after a scream and
23:26he stops. Then you want to give him
23:27attention. It's got to be quick though.
23:29He's little. He's got to connect the
23:30dots. He's although he's two, he should
23:32be able to do that. But you got to be
23:34consistent. If you're not consistent,
23:36he's not going to get it.
23:38So give it a good week. A week of hell.
23:41Give it a good week.
23:43>> Okay. at least from the United States.
23:45How do you transition your 26-month-old
23:47from the high chair? My toddler can now
23:49climb in and out but or can climb in but
23:51not out of the high chair and it's
23:52become a safety issue. We have high top
23:54chairs he likes to sit on because he
23:56likes to be a big boy but he never stays
23:58seated. We cannot get him to eat his
24:00meals because he gets distracted and
24:02leaves. He also
24:04I'll tell you why I'm laughing after. He
24:06also stands on the chair instead of
24:08sitting and I don't like nagging him to
24:09sit.
24:11you answer and then I'll tell a story.
24:13Okay. Um, so you got a kid who won't sit
24:15still at a meal. Uh, that's a whole meal
24:17time routine thing, but he's only 26
24:19months old. I would put him in the high
24:21chair and just I would I'd be right
24:23there so we couldn't get out or he did.
24:26You say he can get in, but he can't get
24:27out. But I don't understand if he can't
24:29get out, what's the problem? Is he
24:30rocking it? So, I'd be right there. I'd
24:32keep him in the high chair. If you've
24:33got a 26-month-old that will not sit for
24:35a meal, have him in the high chair. Make
24:37a meal fast. Make it something he likes.
24:39Make sure he's hungry and you're eating
24:40with him. You're talking to him while
24:42you're there. Let them go through the
24:44tantrums, though. You got to be willing
24:45to ride the tantrums out cuz they will
24:47have a tantrum. When they realize they
24:48can't push you around anymore, they're
24:50going to have a fit. And this is what
24:51parents struggle with. Yeah, but if I do
24:53that, he's going to scream and kick and
24:54have a tantrum. I'm like, "Yeah, right.
24:56That is him processing. Now you're in
24:58charge." So, it's and all these things
25:00are like a project. People want, "What's
25:02the quick answer? I can just solve it in
25:03one day." It's not like that. It's going
25:05to take a while, right? So, he's got to
25:07learn that when I when I make a meal,
25:09we're going to sit down. We're going to
25:10eat together. I'm going to sit right
25:11beside you so you can't rock the the
25:13high chair or whatever. And then and
25:15then that's it. Just follow through and
25:17just be calm and be pleasant. When he's
25:19screaming, just look away. Don't talk to
25:21him, but as soon as he stops, say, "Oh,
25:23look. Do you want to read?" And you can
25:24read books to him. I don't bring toys to
25:25a table or a device, but you can read
25:27books to him.
25:28>> So, the story that I was thinking of is
25:30when we we used to go for sushi a lot in
25:32Australia when I was little, [laughter]
25:34and you just mentioned high top chairs.
25:36So, this sushi place had like the high
25:38top chairs. It was a sushi train
25:39goaround. And so, [laughter] I'm a
25:42little clumsy and my mom look, we're all
25:44getting up and my mom looks over and I
25:46just disappear. I misjudged the step or
25:49how high it was and I just slipped right
25:51down. She went down so fast. It was like
25:54gravity was like 20 [laughter] times
25:56more more strong. I slithered like a
25:58snake. It was hilar. She just
26:00disappeared under this high table.
26:02Where'd she go? But she went down so
26:04fast that her hair flew up as she was
26:06[laughter] going down.
26:08>> Yeah. Like it was one of those ones
26:09where like didn't really hurt, but it
26:11was just so shocking.
26:12>> Yeah. Well, she didn't. Luckily, she
26:13didn't hit her chin on the table or the
26:15back of her head on the chair cuz I
26:16think we were leaving and she'd pushed
26:18the sort of push the chair out. And you
26:20would have been about three when you did
26:21that. I was surprised. I thought she
26:22could have got out because it was all
26:24the other kids were all the other
26:25twoyear-olds and three-year-olds were
26:27getting out, [laughter]
26:28not your daughter. It was great. Yeah,
26:31she went down fast. And I said, "Where'd
26:33you go?" And she was laughing.
26:34[laughter]
26:36And then you go to daycare the next day
26:38and they're like, "Well, all I do with
26:39my child is I just tell them to step
26:41down.
26:41>> I tell them to do it carefully." The
26:43perfect pie.
26:45>> Okay. The next one's Alex from the
26:46United States. Child is 2 years and 8
26:48months and just started daycare after 2
26:50years with the nanny. Lots of hitting
26:52and throwing toys per the daycare
26:54teacher. How to handle since you're not
26:56physically there. Do we talk about this
26:57at home or is that focusing on the bad?
26:59Yeah, you can't do it at home because
27:01they're in the moment. Um, you have to
27:03deal with it right in the moment. So,
27:04why is he doing that at daycare? The
27:06reason is that things are not um
27:08designed around his wants and needs.
27:10Okay, at home they are. I would make
27:12home a little bit less designed around
27:14his wants and needs. Set it think about
27:16what daycare is doing and maybe set it
27:18up a little bit differently. So, here
27:19now we've got this group of toys out.
27:21Now, we're going to put it away and get
27:22the next group of toys out. So think of
27:24how a daycare is run and try and
27:26manifest some of that at home so that
27:28he'll get used to it because parents
27:30tend to design everything around their
27:32child so that they're happy and
27:33everything goes their way and then they
27:35go off to daycare. It ain't like that.
27:37Okay. So you want to make things a
27:38little bit less um easy for him or
27:41perfect or perfectly designed around him
27:43at home. So yeah, set up routines. Um
27:46think about I would even ask daycare
27:48what's your schedule like because I know
27:49you're having problems with them. We're
27:50going to try and duplicate that at home.
27:52Okay, the next one's Alex from
27:54Australia. 2-year-old son. How to get
27:55rid of his dummies. What's the best
27:57approach?
27:58>> Well, I don't know because um there's I
28:00got a lot of different approaches with
28:02this. So, I don't know what would work
28:03best with your family, but I'll tell you
28:05what I did with my son. Um I didn't want
28:07him to have a dummy past one. I decided.
28:10But then we planned a trip, and I'm not
28:11saying what age you should lose the
28:13dummy, but I I really didn't want him to
28:14have it past the age of one. But I let
28:16him keep it because we lived in
28:18Australia. We were planning a trip to
28:19Canada. So, I thought, there's no way
28:21I'm going to do a 24-hour travel. Like,
28:23at that time, we had a layover. It was
28:2424 hours to go from Brisbane to
28:27Vancouver. So, I thought, I'm not going
28:29to go through that without a dummy. So,
28:30I let him have the dummy for the next 6
28:32months just basically planning for this
28:34trip. The day after we got home back in
28:37Australia from Canada, I decided that's
28:39it. I'm taking them away. We had jet
28:41lag. I don't know, my husband was at
28:43work, but I was home with him with my
28:44son and I thought I'm just going to take
28:46it away. So what I did was I and he was
28:48already kind of he was 18 months old. He
28:50was starting to understand when mom says
28:52something it's going to happen, right?
28:53Because I don't I'm very careful what I
28:55say. So I said, "Okay, no more dummies."
28:57He didn't understand it. He's only 18
28:59months, but they're watching. They're
29:00not listening. They're watching. So I
29:01said, "Let's put all your dummies in
29:03this little bag." We sealed up the bag.
29:05He I carried him and I gave him the bag
29:08full of all of his dummies. And I mean
29:09all of them. There was not one that he
29:11could have found. I was very careful
29:12about that because then you're going to
29:13set yourself back, right? So anyway, and
29:15I said, "Okay, bye-bye dummies." Cuz
29:17you're a big boy now. I open We went
29:19outside in the garage. I opened up the
29:21lid to our big uh wheelie bin garbage
29:23can. He threw them in and I closed it
29:25up. Now, he already kind of understood
29:27when mom says something, it's going to
29:28happen. Doesn't mean it's always
29:30successful. He wasn't inclined to have
29:32tantrums. He didn't have a lot of them,
29:33but he had them. And I thought, "Oh, I
29:35am in for it. Why have I done this to
29:36myself?" Right? He was addicted to this
29:38thing. He always had one in his mouth to
29:40the point where it was uh chained, you
29:43know, one of those little plastic
29:44chains. It was chained to his bib. He
29:46had to wear a bib because he was
29:47drooling with this dummy. Oh jeez. He
29:49was so addicted to it. And I thought,
29:50"What have I done to myself? I've got
29:52jet lag and now I've done this." Anyway,
29:55he never asked for one all day. I was
29:58stunned. I was absolutely stunned. I
30:00think maybe he was just ready to get out
30:01of it or maybe he just understood when
30:03mom said that. I have no idea. But
30:05anyway, I made it very, very clear that
30:07they're all gone and I was ready for
30:09war. I thought he's going to be upset
30:11for the next three months. I just had it
30:13in my head it was going to be awful. But
30:14also, I made sure we had lots to do. And
30:17I also bought him some brand new sippy
30:19cups cuz I thought, I can't just take
30:20dummies away and not give him something
30:21else. So, we had these brand new sippy
30:23cups full of water. And we were outside
30:26cuz it's Australia and it's hot. So, he
30:28was outside all day long. And he was
30:30drinking water like sucking on this
30:31thing like it was a dummy. He peed so
30:34much for the next week. It was
30:35unbelievable. And I used cloth diapers.
30:37I went through so many cloth diapers.
30:39But there was no more dummy. But when he
30:41looked at me and he'd go to feel for the
30:43dummy on his face, then he'd go to get
30:45eye contact with me. I looked away
30:47instantly cuz I thought, there's no way
30:48I'm going to get eye contact when he's
30:50thinking about a dummy. So I used
30:52diversion. I got him something else to
30:54replace the dummies with. I was very
30:55final. He was the one who threw those
30:57dummies out in the garbage bin. Okay? it
31:00wasn't in the garbage in the house
31:01because he might have tried to fish them
31:02out. He knew once it went outside in
31:04that garbage bin, it wasn't coming out
31:05again. So, that's what I did, you know,
31:08and it worked really well, but I was
31:09shocked at that.
31:10>> It's like the running joke is like when
31:12you try and get off cigarettes and then
31:13he get addicted to the gum.
31:15>> Yeah. There there was someone said it
31:17was some joke on some sitcom and he
31:18says, "Oh, I'm I've just started
31:20smoking." And he said, "Why?" And he
31:21goes, "Oh, because I'm trying to get off
31:22the nicotine patches." He said, "I got
31:25addicted to them."
31:26He never even smoked, but he was
31:28addicted to nicotine patches.
31:30>> Okay, we have one final question. So,
31:31Shannon from the United States, I have a
31:332-year-old boy. My 2-year-old boy will
31:35often misuse his toys to the point where
31:36they could get ruined. So, for example,
31:38he may take his electric bubble wand and
31:40put it into his water in his water
31:41table, even after I've told him not to.
31:44Is this the best way to deal with taking
31:45the toy away? Will he eventually learn
31:47that misusing the toy will result in it
31:49being taken away, or is there a better
31:51way to handle this? Oh, as soon as he
31:52misuses it, I would say, and he's old
31:54enough. I I would say, "Okay, here's how
31:56you do it." And then as soon as he goes
31:57to put it in wherever, then I'd say,
31:59"Nope." And it gets put away for the
32:00rest of that day. Okay, that's actually
32:04an easy one. Yeah, he'll eventually
32:05learn that there's the right way to do
32:06it and there's a wrong way to do it. If
32:08you do it the wrong way, it disappears.
32:10He'll learn. He won't like it, but he'll
32:12learn.
32:13>> Okay. Well, that was
32:14>> Plus, he can have it. It's his choice.
32:16All he has to do is do it the right way.
32:18He's old enough to understand that. So,
32:20it's his choice that it gets put away.
32:21Parents think, "Oh, that sounds so
32:22mean." He has a choice. He could have
32:24kept it, but he chose not to.
32:26>> Okay. Well, that was it for the
32:27parenting questions.
32:29>> Okay. So, it was toddlers and but you
32:31said it was based on the parents
32:33>> parents reaction.
32:33>> Parents reaction. We didn't get into
32:35that a lot, did we? The parents
32:36reaction.
32:37>> We didn't get too much into although I
32:39would assume all of the ways you're
32:41answering
32:41>> all the disciplines is the reaction.
32:43Yeah. I thought I guess I thought when
32:44we were starting that it was going to be
32:45more about the emotions because I just
32:46did a live and I never know how to
32:48answer this. People say, "Well, how do
32:50we handle our own emotions? How do we
32:52handle our emotions?" The thing is,
32:54toddlers can really get under your skin,
32:56as can any age. But toddlers,
32:57especially, cuz they don't make a lot of
32:59sense. You know, even as they get older,
33:00they kind of make a bit more sense in
33:02what they do. But toddlers can do the
33:03craziest things. They can, and you're
33:05new at this, too. When you've got
33:06toddlers, you're often a new parent. So,
33:08yeah, they can really get under your
33:10skin. The thing is, if you show it, if
33:12you show that they upset you, it doesn't
33:13mean they don't upset you. They they
33:15can, but you just really want to fight
33:17not to show it because once you show
33:19weakness, they'll go in. They pick up on
33:22that. They love the fact that they can
33:24control you, right? So, and it's okay
33:26when you're playing, they can control
33:27the fun and the laughter. But when it's
33:29something negative, you really want to
33:31try and hide the fact that they annoy
33:33the heck out of you if they're doing
33:34something really annoying. So, yeah,
33:35it's not necessarily that you don't get
33:37upset, it's that you don't want to show
33:39it.
33:40>> I'm sure that is so hard. It's
33:41>> I never said that was easy. I have never
33:43said it's easy, but it is. it is the
33:45what you really want to aim for.
33:46>> Okay. Well, I think that is a great
33:48place to end.
33:49>> Okay. Sounds good. Thanks so much for
33:50joining us back again talking about
33:52something else parenting related. And
33:54anyway, that's it. So, happy parenting.
33:56Bye now. Thanks for tuning in. If you're
34:00ready to dive deeper, check out
34:01bratbusters.com to learn more about the
34:03behavior board, parenting courses, and
34:06private one-on-one coaching with Lisa.
34:08If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd
34:10love it if you could take a moment to
34:11follow, rate, and review us on your
34:13favorite podcast platform. Your feedback
34:15helps us reach more parents just like
34:17you. The information provided in this
34:19podcast is for generalformational
34:21purposes only and is not intended as a
34:23substitute for professional advice. Lisa
34:25is a parenting coach, mom, and
34:27grandmother. She is not a licensed
34:29psychologist or counselor. Her services
34:31do not replace the care of psychologists
34:33or other healthcare professionals. For a
34:35full disclaimer, please visit
34:36breatbusters.com/
34:38disclaimer.

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