why quiet people are so attractive (an introvert’s story) — Transcript

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1. 0:00So, when I was a kid, I couldn't press
2. 0:02the stop button on the bus. I mean, I
3. 0:05did eventually because I had to get take
4. 0:07off, but it always made me so nervous.
5. 0:10So, in my head, I was always hoping
6. 0:13someone else would press the button
7. 0:16first. One time, I think I was like 16.
8. 0:18[music]
9. 0:19I was pretty young, so please understand
10. 0:21me. I pressed the button.
11. 0:23>> [music]
12. 0:23>> Yes, I did. And the bus was really,
13. 0:26really packed, and I was standing right
14. 0:29next to the driver, so I start to get
15. 0:32off [music] at the front, and the driver
16. 0:34goes, "No, you have to get up at the
17. 0:37back." And there was literally no one
18. 0:40getting on at the [music] front. But I
19. 0:42didn't say that. I was not able to do
20. 0:43that. I just said, "Okay." [music] And I
21. 0:46started squeezing through all these
22. 0:48people to get to the back, and the bus
23. 0:50was just sat there [music] waiting for
24. 0:52me to make it to the back, and the whole
25. 0:55crowd was waiting for me, too.
26. 0:57Um and of course, that took forever, and
27. 1:00then I was just, "Oh, excuse me. Excuse
28. 1:02me. I'm sorry. Excuse [music] me." So,
29. 1:04the bus just left with me still on it,
30. 1:07and I didn't say a word because I was
31. 1:09[music] so embarrassed. I just got off
32. 1:11at the next stop, and my face went
33. 1:12completely red. And everyone on that bus
34. 1:15was looking at me like, "Oh, poor thing.
35. 1:18That was her stop." That was a
36. 1:21>> [laughter]
37. 1:22>> And that's how introverted I was. And as
38. 1:25an introvert, I was always jealous of
39. 1:27[music] extroverts. There were only a
40. 1:30few people that I could really be
41. 1:31comfortable around, and I wanted to feel
42. 1:33that [music] comfortable with people
43. 1:35that I didn't know, too, to show the
44. 1:37real me.
45. 1:39But then, me becoming [music] an actor,
46. 1:41and somehow I started to love talking in
47. 1:44front of people. So, yeah.
48. 1:46Anyway,
49. 1:47hi everyone. Welcome back to This Is
50. 1:49Hazel.
51. 1:53The funny thing is that making friends
52. 1:55was never really hard for me. It was
53. 1:56more the small stuff that was hard. And
54. 1:59adults adults were hard for me, hard to
55. 2:02talk to.
56. 2:04And honestly, that story was a perfect
57. 2:06example of what I want to talk about
58. 2:08today.
59. 2:09You've probably been told that to be
60. 2:12attractive, you have to be the life of
61. 2:15the party, the person everyone's looking
62. 2:17at, and the one who has a funny story
63. 2:20ready. But I don't think that's the
64. 2:21whole story. Sometimes the most magnetic
65. 2:24person in the room isn't the one trying
66. 2:26to be heard. I think um real lasting
67. 2:30attraction is less about how loud you
68. 2:33are and more about how deep you are. So
69. 2:36today, I want to talk about the
70. 2:37psychology behind quiet confidence and
71. 2:41why introverts can be so attractive.
72. 2:44I'm not saying extroverts aren't
73. 2:47attractive. You know that, right?
74. 2:49Okay, first, let's get one thing
75. 2:52straight.
76. 2:53Being an introvert is not the same as
77. 2:55being shy, and it's not social anxiety
78. 2:58either, and it's definitely not
79. 3:00something that you need to fix. There's
80. 3:02a psychologist called Carl Jung. Um he
81. 3:05described introverts as people who put
82. 3:08more of their attention and energy into
83. 3:11their inner world. So these days, people
84. 3:13usually explain it with the phone
85. 3:15battery, like social battery. Extroverts
86. 3:18tend to recharge by being around people.
87. 3:20Introverts usually need some alone time
88. 3:23to recharge after a lot of socializing.
89. 3:26But of course, that's the simple
90. 3:28version. Introverts can totally enjoy
91. 3:31people and extroverts need some alone
92. 3:33time, too. Shyness is different. It's
93. 3:35more about being scared of being judged.
94. 3:38An introvert can have great social
95. 3:40skills and still find big events really
96. 3:43draining. They would usually pick one
97. 3:45deep conversation over a crowded party.
98. 3:47Looking back, I think little me on that
99. 3:50bus was a bit of both, shy and
100. 3:53introvert. Now,
101. 3:55a lot of people actually think that I'm
102. 3:57extrovert. I don't know what you guys I
103. 4:00but I'm the kind of person who can pull
104. 4:03out a lot of energy for a short time,
105. 4:06give it all to people, and then I'm
106. 4:08completely drained. My battery goes down
107. 4:10when I'm with people. So, when I'm with
108. 4:12you and I'm talking and laughing and
109. 4:14asking a bunch of questions, I'm
110. 4:16actually using my battery on you, and I
111. 4:19don't have unlimited battery. So, when
112. 4:23an introvert chooses to spend time with
113. 4:26you, that means something. They picked
114. 4:28you.
115. 4:30That's also why the conversations can
116. 4:32feel different. Introverts usually are
117. 4:35not looking for people just to kill time
118. 4:38with. They want a real connection. With
119. 4:40an introvert, you don't just stay on
120. 4:43small talk. You end up talking about
121. 4:45what you actually think, what you care
122. 4:46about, and what you want in life. I like
123. 4:49to say that I'm a person with a big head
124. 4:52and a small body.
125. 4:54My head is always busy, like thinking,
126. 4:56thinking, and my body kinds of follows
127. 4:59later. I've always felt more at home
128. 5:02with people who think a lot. People who
129. 5:05live a bit more in their heads. When
130. 5:07someone like that finally says
131. 5:08something, you can tell that they've
132. 5:11thought about it. And introverts are
133. 5:14usually looking for someone they can
134. 5:15share all of that. Someone they can
135. 5:17really open up to. If you want more than
136. 5:19a surface level friendship, that's
137. 5:22really attractive. With introverts,
138. 5:24there's always another layer. You meet
139. 5:27them at the party and they might seem
140. 5:29quiet. Then you get coffee with them,
141. 5:31and just two of you, and they're
142. 5:33hilarious. And then you work with them,
143. 5:35and then they're just super sharp. You
144. 5:38just keep finding out new things about
145. 5:41them. So, being an introvert doesn't
146. 5:43mean that you are low energy. It just
147. 5:45means that you need to recharge, and you
148. 5:48use your energy when it matters. When I
149. 5:50was an actor, I saw that people who were
150. 5:52really good at acting were almost always
151. 5:56the quiet ones off stage. Seeing that
152. 6:00was really impressive to me. It made me
153. 6:02think, "Okay, I can use my energy well
154. 6:05too.
155. 6:06So, I don't have to be on all the time.
156. 6:08And honestly, getting to know someone
157. 6:10slowly, one layer at a time, can be way
158. 6:13more fun knowing everything right away.
159. 6:17I mean,
160. 6:17yeah, depends, but so understanding my
161. 6:20energy and being able to explain it
162. 6:23really helped me.
163. 6:25Um in university, I'd be in the classes
164. 6:27with people from 8:00 a.m. until night.
165. 6:31I know you're probably wondering why my
166. 6:33university was like that. My school was
167. 6:35kind of intense. I was really busy.
168. 6:38Many classes. Anyway, um sometimes when
169. 6:41I took the bus after that, someone from
170. 6:43school would already be sitting there or
171. 6:46they would
172. 6:47be going the same way. So, we would end
173. 6:49up waiting for the bus together.
174. 6:51Um if it was a close friend, that was
175. 6:55great. I loved that. But, if it was
176. 6:57someone that I felt awkward with or
177. 7:00someone that I had to use my energy on,
178. 7:02that was really hard for me cuz I'm
179. 7:05tired.
180. 7:07So, one day I got really brave and just
181. 7:10said it.
182. 7:11Hey, I'm kind of low on energy today, so
183. 7:15I'm going to sit by myself. You can say
184. 7:17that. It was so easy. They totally
185. 7:20understood. That's how I practiced
186. 7:22making my own space when I needed it.
187. 7:24Introverts often talk less and watch
188. 7:27more. A lot of them get really good at
189. 7:30noticing what's going on around them.
190. 7:33That's not just being quiet. That's
191. 7:34paying attention. When I was little, it
192. 7:37was so stressful when relatives came
193. 7:39over to my place,
194. 7:41um my family's place. Staying in my room
195. 7:43felt rude, but going out and hanging out
196. 7:45with everyone was hard. I didn't really
197. 7:48want to do that. I was just stuck in
198. 7:50between. So,
199. 7:53I mean, I was I went out and talked and
200. 7:56hung out anyway, but I I always needed
201. 7:59the warning and I had to be ready. I
202. 8:02think a lot of introverts have a memory
203. 8:04like that. And because we know that
204. 8:05feeling, we notice it in other people.
205. 8:09You know what I mean, right? Um we see
206. 8:11the person standing at the edge of the
207. 8:13group and the one who hasn't said
208. 8:15anything yet and then we usually try to
209. 8:17make them feel a little more
210. 8:19comfortable. And that kind of quiet
211. 8:22kindness is really attractive. For a
212. 8:25long time, I was really jealous of
213. 8:28extrovert and I was always putting
214. 8:30myself to my limit trying to match the
215. 8:32other person's energy and honestly,
216. 8:36that's tiring. Of course, that isn't
217. 8:38about one personality being better than
218. 8:41the other. Extroverts have their own
219. 8:42energy and spark and that's really
220. 8:44attractive, too. That's why I wanted to
221. 8:46be one of them. I just think our idea of
222. 8:49attractive could be a little bigger. If
223. 8:52you are an introvert, I really hope that
224. 8:54you don't feel bad about it. At work, at
225. 8:57the party, at a meeting, wherever,
226. 9:00being quiet isn't something that you
227. 9:02need to fix. It might actually be one of
228. 9:05your strengths. You just need to know
229. 9:07when you use your energy and then when
230. 9:09to go home and recharge. That's just how
231. 9:12we work. And I think that kind of quiet
232. 9:15confidence, just being okay with who you
233. 9:17are, is the most attractive thing of
234. 9:20all. Yeah, everyone's experience is
235. 9:22different, very different, but I really
236. 9:25do think [music] it gets better with
237. 9:27time and experience.
238. 9:29I don't think anyone is 100% introvert
239. 9:32[music]
240. 9:33or 100% extrovert.
241. 9:35It can change depending on the situation
242. 9:37or [music] the relationship, but if
243. 9:39there's an introvert inside you, that
244. 9:42quiet little voice mumbling [music]
245. 9:44away, maybe it's worth seeing that part
246. 9:47of you as something [music] very
247. 9:49attractive, too.
248. 9:51What about you? Are you an introvert,
249. 9:53extrovert? And how do you think people
250. 9:55see you?
251. 9:56Let's keep talking about it. Um that's
252. 9:59it for today. Um thank you so much for
253. 10:02listening and I'll see you next time.
254. 10:05Bye-bye.
255. 10:05>> [music]
256. 10:13[music]
257. 10:17>> Mhm.