Why Love Isn’t Enough: The Skills That Make Relationships Last — Transcript

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1. 0:00I don't actually think that love is what
2. 0:02keeps relationships alive. And I know
3. 0:04this probably sounds strange because
4. 0:06we've been taught that if two people
5. 0:08love each other enough, everything else
6. 0:11will work itself out. But I don't think
7. 0:13that's true anymore because I've met
8. 0:15people who loved each other so deeply
9. 0:18and they still hurt each other. I've met
10. 0:21people who couldn't communicate, people
11. 0:24who couldn't trust, people who couldn't
12. 0:26regulate themselves, people who avoided
13. 0:29conflict, people who stayed silent,
14. 0:32people who really lost themselves,
15. 0:34people who really lost themselves. There
16. 0:36was no lack of love in those
17. 0:38relationships, but there was a lack of
18. 0:40skills. And I think that's one of the
19. 0:42biggest misunderstandings that we have
20. 0:45ever been taught about relationships. We
21. 0:48think that relationships survive because
22. 0:51people love each other enough. I think
23. 0:53that they actually survive because two
24. 0:55people know how to love each other. And
25. 0:58these are two completely different
26. 0:59things. Hi guys, I'm Andreana and
27. 1:02welcome or welcome back to my channel.
28. 1:04So today I'm speaking about how love is
29. 1:06a skill that we must learn. And this is
30. 1:09not something that you're either born
31. 1:10knowing or you're not. And understanding
32. 1:12this changed my life because it showed
33. 1:15me that healthy secure love isn't
34. 1:18something that you stumble upon,
35. 1:20something that you just randomly find,
36. 1:22but it's something that you have to
37. 1:24learn to create. Firstly with yourself
38. 1:26and then with someone else. So for me
39. 1:29when I was younger, I genuinely believed
40. 1:32and thought that I knew how to love. I
41. 1:34had loved before, I had cared deeply
42. 1:36before, I have given everything. So I
43. 1:39assumed when I finally meet the right
44. 1:42person, I will naturally know how to be
45. 1:45in a healthy relationship, in a loving
46. 1:47relationship. But looking back, I don't
47. 1:49think I knew how to really love. I just
48. 1:52knew how to attach. I knew how to
49. 1:55overthink, and how to people please, and
50. 1:58I knew how to chase reassurance. I knew
51. 2:00how to avoid difficult conversations to
52. 2:02keep the peace. Just knew how to lose
53. 2:05myself. And the scary part is that I
54. 2:07genuinely believed that all of those
55. 2:09things were love. Nobody had ever shown
56. 2:12me anything different. And it wasn't
57. 2:14until I started healing that I realized
58. 2:18something that changed my idea of what
59. 2:21makes healthy, secure relationships work
60. 2:24and last. I realized that love is not a
61. 2:27relationship skill. It's simply an
62. 2:29emotion. Relationships are actually
63. 2:32built with something completely
64. 2:34different. And what they're built on are
65. 2:37on emotional skills. I mean, think about
66. 2:39it. Love doesn't teach you how to
67. 2:42regulate yourself when you get
68. 2:44triggered. Love doesn't teach you how to
69. 2:46apologize. Love doesn't teach you how to
70. 2:49repair after conflict. Love doesn't
71. 2:52teach you how to communicate your needs.
72. 2:54Love doesn't teach you boundaries. Love
73. 2:56doesn't teach you self-awareness. These
74. 2:58are all things that have to be learned.
75. 3:01So, when I realized that, my entire
76. 3:04perspective changed. I was able to stop
77. 3:06asking, "Why aren't relationships
78. 3:09working?" And I started asking, "Who
79. 3:11taught me how relationships actually
80. 3:14work?" And the more I thought about it,
81. 3:15the more obvious it became to me. Think
82. 3:18about how much time we spend preparing
83. 3:21to find a relationship. We learn how to
84. 3:23flirt, how to text, how to attract, how
85. 3:26to look more attractive, how to get
86. 3:28someone interested, how to make someone
87. 3:31commit, how to know if they are the one.
88. 3:34But, almost nobody spends that same
89. 3:37amount of time learning how to actually
90. 3:40be in a healthy relationship. It's
91. 3:42almost as if we've been preparing for
92. 3:45that interview without ever learning how
93. 3:47to do the job. And I will say, I don't
94. 3:49think that's our fault. Nobody really
95. 3:51taught us. In school, we go and we learn
96. 3:53maths, we learn science, we learn
97. 3:55history, we learn languages. Some of us
98. 3:58spend years learning how to become
99. 4:00lawyers, doctors, architects,
100. 4:02entrepreneurs. Are taught in those
101. 4:04places to study, to practice, and to
102. 4:06expect to be beginners. But somehow,
103. 4:10when it comes to love, we expect
104. 4:12ourselves to instinctively know how to
105. 4:15build the most important relationship of
106. 4:17our lives. We expect from ourselves to
107. 4:20instinctively be pros. And when we
108. 4:22don't, we assume that something is
109. 4:24wrong, either with us or with the person
110. 4:27that we are with. When maybe it's just
111. 4:29that nobody ever taught us the skills
112. 4:31that are required for relationships to
113. 4:34work in the first place. I think that's
114. 4:36why so many people leave relationships
115. 4:39believing they simply chose the wrong
116. 4:41person. And sometimes that's true, but
117. 4:43sometimes two people genuinely love each
118. 4:46other and they're just speaking
119. 4:48completely different emotional
120. 4:50languages. Nobody taught us how to
121. 4:52communicate without becoming defensive.
122. 4:54Nobody taught us how to express a need
123. 4:56without feeling guilt. Nobody taught us
124. 4:59how to repair after a conflict. So, we
125. 5:02are all left thinking that we were not
126. 5:05compatible. When in reality, you simply
127. 5:08didn't have the skills that healthy love
128. 5:11requires at that point in your life. And
129. 5:13that's such an important distinction
130. 5:15because, yeah, compatibility matters,
131. 5:18but compatibility doesn't replace
132. 5:20emotional maturity. Chemistry doesn't
133. 5:23replace emotional maturity. Nothing
134. 5:25replaces this. Nothing replaces
135. 5:28emotional skills. So, you can have the
136. 5:30chemistry, you can have the
137. 5:31compatibility, you can have exactly the
138. 5:33person that you always dreamed of, but
139. 5:35if you don't have the emotional skills
140. 5:38that it takes to keep a healthy
141. 5:40relationship, even if you found the one,
142. 5:43it's not going to work because you don't
143. 5:46know how to be inside a healthy
144. 5:49relationship and you don't know how to
145. 5:51make that last. So, one of the biggest
146. 5:53shifts in my own healing happened when I
147. 5:56stopped asking, "How do I find the right
148. 5:59relationship? How do I find the right
149. 6:01person?" I started asking, "What type of
150. 6:03partner will I be if I found one
151. 6:06tomorrow?" And that question genuinely
152. 6:08humbled me because if I'm honest, I
153. 6:12realized that I had spent so many years
154. 6:15preparing to meet someone and almost no
155. 6:18time preparing to build something with
156. 6:21them. I wanted someone emotionally
157. 6:22available, but was I emotionally
158. 6:25available? I wanted someone who
159. 6:27communicated well, but did I? I wanted
160. 6:30someone who knew how to regulate
161. 6:32themselves when they get triggered, but
162. 6:34could I regulate myself? I wanted
163. 6:36someone secure, but was I practicing
164. 6:39secure behaviors? Those questions really
165. 6:41changed everything because suddenly I
166. 6:44wasn't waiting for love anymore. I
167. 6:47wasn't sitting there and waiting for it
168. 6:49to happen to me. I learned and I
169. 6:51realized that I have to start preparing
170. 6:55for it so I can show up in it in the way
171. 6:58that I will want my partner to show up
172. 7:00in it. And I think that's what secure
173. 7:01people understand. They are not waiting
174. 7:04until they are in a relationship to
175. 7:06start becoming a healthy partner.
176. 7:09[clears throat] They are practicing it
177. 7:11every single day in every boundary that
178. 7:13they set, in every difficult
179. 7:15conversation that they choose to have,
180. 7:17every time they express a need honestly,
181. 7:19every time they regulate themselves
182. 7:21instead of reacting, every time they
183. 7:24choose authenticity over people
184. 7:26pleasing. They're practicing these exact
185. 7:28skills in their everyday life with their
186. 7:31loved ones, with their friends, with
187. 7:33their co-workers. They're practicing the
188. 7:35exact skills that one day they will
189. 7:38bring into their relationships because
190. 7:41healthy relationships don't just come in
191. 7:43magically make you secure. You have to
192. 7:45bring your own level of security into
193. 7:48the relationship. And I honestly think
194. 7:50that one of the biggest misconceptions
195. 7:52that we have been sold is that
196. 7:54relationships are supposed to feel
197. 7:57effortless if you have found the right
198. 7:59person. Every relationship requires
199. 8:02effort. Not because it is unhealthy or
200. 8:05it's toxic and it's asking you to give
201. 8:07up yourself, to give too much, to
202. 8:09overgive. But because you are bringing
203. 8:11together two completely different human
204. 8:14beings, two different childhoods, their
205. 8:16two different nervous systems, two
206. 8:19different communication styles, two
207. 8:21different fears, two different ways of
208. 8:23experiencing love. So, of course, there
209. 8:26will be misunderstandings. Of course,
210. 8:28there will be moments when you trigger
211. 8:30each other. That's not the problem. The
212. 8:33question is, do you both have the skills
213. 8:37to move through those moments together?
214. 8:39And to not act in a way where you are
215. 8:42unhealthy for each other and unhealthy
216. 8:44for yourselves. Because I genuinely
217. 8:47believe there are only two conditions
218. 8:49are required for a healthy relationship
219. 8:51to last. First one is compatibility and
220. 8:54second is the willingness to make it
221. 8:56work. So, that's where effort comes in.
222. 8:59When you put the effort to make it work
223. 9:02in a sense that it's you make it work in
224. 9:04its most healthy, loving way. So, that
225. 9:07means there are two people who are
226. 9:09compatible and are willing to
227. 9:11continuously learn how to love each
228. 9:13other better. Not necessarily perfectly,
229. 9:16but better. I think that's why this
230. 9:18realization gave me so much hope.
231. 9:21Because for years I thought that
232. 9:22relationships were something you either
233. 9:24happen to be good at or you weren't.
234. 9:27From that realization, I see them
235. 9:29completely differently. I see them like
236. 9:31you're learning a new language. So, at
237. 9:34first, it's going to obviously feel a
238. 9:36bit awkward. You're going to make
239. 9:38mistakes, you're going to misunderstand
240. 9:40each other, you're going to say the
241. 9:41wrong thing. Sometimes you don't know
242. 9:44what the other person says at all, but
243. 9:46nobody looks at someone learning Spanish
244. 9:49and they say, "Well, I guess you're just
245. 9:51not meant to speak Spanish." We
246. 9:53understand that they are learning. So,
247. 9:56why don't we give ourselves that same
248. 9:58grace in our relationships? Why do we
249. 10:00expect ourselves and we expect others to
250. 10:05instinctively know something that we
251. 10:07have never been taught before. So, the
252. 10:10beautiful thing about seeing love as a
253. 10:12skill is that it completely removes the
254. 10:15shame. Because if relationships are only
255. 10:18about finding the right person, then
256. 10:21every failed relationship feels like
257. 10:24it's proof. It's proof that something is
258. 10:26wrong with you. But if healthy love is
259. 10:29something that you get to learn, get to
260. 10:31grow, get to improve at, then every
261. 10:33relationship becomes feedback. They
262. 10:36become They become lessons and insights
263. 10:39that you have gained. They're not
264. 10:40failure, but it becomes another
265. 10:43opportunity for you to understand
266. 10:45yourself better, to understand what you
267. 10:47want in a relationship more, to become
268. 10:49more self-aware, to communicate a little
269. 10:52bit better, to regulate yourself a
270. 10:54little bit better, to love a little bit
271. 10:56better. And I think that's one of the
272. 10:58most hopeful ways that we can look at
273. 11:01relationships. Look at them from a place
274. 11:03of I'm always learning, I'm always
275. 11:06improving, and not seeing them as I'm
276. 11:09piling up failures. Today, I don't think
277. 11:12that the biggest predictor of a healthy
278. 11:14relationship is whether two people have
279. 11:17chemistry or butterflies or timing or
280. 11:20even love. I think it's curiosity. Two
281. 11:23people who remain curious enough to keep
282. 11:26asking, "How can I love you better? How
283. 11:29can I understand you better? How I can
284. 11:32communicate better, how can I become a
285. 11:34safer person for you. Love can be the
286. 11:37reason that two people come together in
287. 11:39the first place, but it's the
288. 11:41willingness to keep learning and to stay
289. 11:44curious, to stay interested, to stay
290. 11:46stay open and and still care that
291. 11:50determines whether these two people grow
292. 11:53together and stay together. So, maybe we
293. 11:56have been preparing for the wrong thing
294. 11:58all along. Maybe the goal was never just
295. 12:01to find the right person. Maybe the goal
296. 12:03[clears throat] was to become someone
297. 12:05who knows how to build the kind of
298. 12:07relationships that you have always
299. 12:10dreamed of. Maybe it wasn't a matter of
300. 12:12going out there and finding that person,
301. 12:14but it was coming inside of you and
302. 12:17becoming that person. We have spent so
303. 12:19many years learning how to find love,
304. 12:22how to attract love, how to be good when
305. 12:25love comes. I think it's time now that
306. 12:28we start learning how to nurture it, to
307. 12:30care for it, to protect it, and to keep
308. 12:34it. So, that's it for today, guys. Thank
309. 12:36you so much for watching, and I'll see
310. 12:38you very soon on the next one.