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Why It Sucks to Be a Thin Horse (in Qing Dynasty) — Transcript

by Backstory Of History · 2,844 words · 478 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00You're 8 years old when a woman in silk
0:02turns your hands palm up under lamplight
0:04and checks the spacing of your fingers.
0:07She tilts your chin sideways,
0:09pulls your lower lip down, examines your
0:12teeth the way a horse trader checks a
0:13filly's legs at a country fair. Behind
0:16you, silver tails clink into a cloth
0:18pouch on a lacquered table.
0:2015 of them. Your father doesn't look at
0:22you when the pouch hits the table.
0:25He looked at you the whole walk here,
0:26carrying you on his shoulders through
0:28the back canals of Yangzhou.
0:30Now he stares at the wall. 15 tails.
0:34That's what the walk was worth.
0:36You are a thin horse now. They'll dress
0:38you in silk worth more than your father
0:40earns in 5 years.
0:42They'll teach you to play the guqin,
0:44paint orchids, recite Tang poetry.
0:46Men will bid a thousand tails for your
0:48company.
0:50You'll still be livestock.
0:52Prettier livestock, trained to smile
0:54while being sold. You rank somewhere
0:56between the furniture and the house cat.
0:59The mama runs the training house.
1:01She controls your food by the mouthful,
1:03measures your waist with a silk cord
1:05every 7 days.
1:07If the cord doesn't meet, you eat less.
1:11The senior girls are three or four years
1:12ahead of you. They trip you during
1:14walking drills and report you for
1:15clumsiness. They learn the rules the
1:18same way you're about to. Your first
1:20lesson arrives at dinner. A girl your
1:22age reaches for a second rice ball. The
1:24mama slaps the rice from her hand and
1:26makes her kneel on dried lentils in the
1:28courtyard until the other girls finish
1:30eating. You watch her through the
1:31window. You clench your fists so hard
1:34your fingernail cuts into your palm.
1:36The crescent scar will still be there
1:38when you're 30. You eat slowly after
1:40that. Three months in, they wrap your
1:42feet for the first time. Cotton strips
1:44soaked in herb water and animal blood
1:46wound tight around the arch until the
1:48bones crack under pressure.
1:50The pain is a white-hot line from your
1:53toes to your shins. You scream the first
1:55night. By the third night, you've
1:58learned that screaming changes nothing.
2:00The girl on the mat next to yours
2:02reaches across in the dark and holds
2:03your hand while you cry.
2:05Her name is Meilan. Her feet were bound
2:082 weeks before yours. She knows what
2:10comes next and she stays anyway. 6
2:12months in, the mama forbids your village
2:14dialect. Only Yangzhou Mandarin from now
2:17on. You slip into dialect one evening
2:19asking Meilan for water.
2:21The mama makes you kneel on raw rice
2:23grains in the courtyard for 2 hours.
2:25Your kneecaps carry the dents for weeks.
2:28After that, you dream in Mandarin. You
2:30and Meilan invent a private language.
2:32Tap the left wrist, I'm hungry. Press
2:35the scar on your palm, I'm thinking of
2:37home. Three taps on the mat at night,
2:39I'm still here. One year in, your
2:41fingers learn the guqin's seven strings
2:43by touch. Fingertips split and bleed
2:46until calluses form. The strings leave
2:48grooves in your finger pads that never
2:50fully heal.
2:51You play a wrong note during a guest
2:53inspection.
2:54The mama strikes the backs of your hands
2:56with a thin bamboo rod. Five strokes on
2:59each hand. Your fingers swell so badly
3:02you can't practice for 3 days,
3:04but you're punished for not practicing.
3:06By 10, you master the full inspection
3:08performance. Enter, prostrate, stand,
3:11display your hands palm up, turn slowly,
3:14pour tea showing the inside of your
3:16wrist, walk the lotus walk. Repeat until
3:19it's automatic. Meilan rehearses the tea
3:21pour with you at night. She plays the
3:23buyer, examines your hands with
3:25exaggerated seriousness, then whispers,
3:28"Acceptable, but the left pinky is
3:30suspicious."
3:31You laugh into the bamboo mat so hard
3:33your ribs ache. By 11, a visiting
3:36broker's assistant leaves a ledger on a
3:38table.
3:39You read the columns. Purchase price,
3:42training costs, projected sale value.
3:45Your column says 15 tails in, projected
3:48800 out.
3:49Guqin adds 300.
3:52Calligraphy adds 50.
3:54Foot size under 3 inches adds 200.
3:57You are not being educated. You are
3:59being appraised. Your feet have been
4:01rebound so many times the bones have
4:03permanently curved inward.
4:05You walk on the outside edges, tottering
4:07on what they call lotus steps.
4:09Running is impossible, so is leaving.
4:12That's when Meilan tells you about
4:14Chunhua.
4:15The night Suyin gets sold to a wine
4:17house on the Qinhuai River for 80 tails
4:19because her feet healed wrong and her
4:21guqin never improved. Meilan whispers a
4:23name, Chunhua, a thin horse from the
4:26year before them. Sold to a salt
4:28merchant in Huainan, bore a son within 2
4:30years,
4:31moved from the back room to the main
4:33courtyard, her own servants, her own
4:35sedan chair.
4:37Meilan says, "She eats at the main table
4:40now."
4:41It's the first time you imagine a future
4:43instead of an exit. After Suyin leaves,
4:45the mama mentions it over dinner like
4:47weather. Nobody stops eating.
4:50That night Meilan drills you on the
4:52second guqin piece until your fingers
4:54bleed again.
4:56"Practice until you can play it asleep,"
4:58she says. You press the scar on your
5:00palm and play until the calluses split.
5:03A buyer's agent visits and asks you to
5:05play a second piece. You only rehearsed
5:07one for this inspection.
5:09The mama's eyes go sharp from across the
5:11room. You play the practice piece the
5:13teacher uses for finger exercises. You
5:15slow the tempo, add pauses where none
5:18belong, make it sound deliberate.
5:21The agent nods. The mama exhales.
5:24After he leaves, she adds a second
5:26performance piece to your rehearsal
5:28schedule. No punishment. But she watches
5:31you differently now.
5:32You realize the inspection is not a test
5:34you can memorize through. Buyers
5:36improvise.
5:37If you can't, you end up like Suyin. At
5:4014, they prepare you for the plate.
5:43Three days of grooming.
5:44Hair oiled and coiled with silver pins.
5:47Face powdered white in layers that fill
5:49every pore. Safflower paste on your
5:52lips.
5:53Charcoal around your eyes. Pale green
5:56silk robes cinched at the waist with a
5:58sash.
5:59Embroidered shoes barely 3 inches long.
6:02The powder itches.
6:04The sash compresses your ribs.
6:06The shoes make your bound feet scream. A
6:08salt merchant from Huainan arrives with
6:10his agent. You are brought into the
6:12receiving room. You prostrate yourself,
6:15stand, display your hands palms up, turn
6:18slowly, pour tea letting the inside of
6:21your wrist show. The skin pale and
6:23unmarked, the veins blue beneath the
6:25surface.
6:26Play one guqin piece.
6:29Stand again while he circles you
6:30examining your feet, your ears, your
6:32neck.
6:34His breath lands on your skin when he
6:35leans close.
6:37He lifts your hand and turns it over.
6:39Checks the calluses. Runs his thumb
6:42across your knuckles where the bamboo
6:43rod scars have faded to white lines.
6:46You hold still.
6:48You've been practicing holding still for
6:506 years. You look like a thousand tails.
6:53You feel like 15. The merchant is in his
6:5550s, hands soft for money, not labor. He
6:59smells like pipe tobacco and sandalwood
7:00oil. He says nothing to you.
7:03He addresses the mama when negotiating
7:05as if you aren't in the room. Your body
7:07defaults to the positions they drilled.
7:10Eyes down. Hands folded. When he reaches
7:13for you, you don't flinch.
7:15The training is the only thing holding
7:17your body still.
7:18You press the scar on your palm behind
7:20the fold of your robe. Nobody sees. The
7:23mama calls it entering service. The
7:25contract is between the merchant and the
7:27broker. Your name appears nowhere on it.
7:30The broker receives 12 tails. You
7:33receive a palanquin ride to a compound
7:34you've never seen. The palanquin sets
7:37you down in a courtyard larger than the
7:38entire training house.
7:40Lacquered pillars. A garden with an
7:42artificial pond.
7:44Somewhere inside a guqin is playing. Not
7:47the practice pieces you know. Something
7:49fluid and unhurried. A guqin of someone
7:52who plays for pleasure, not survival.
7:56A servant leads you to a back room.
7:58Nobody introduces you. Nobody tells you
8:00your duties.
8:02The door closes behind you and the
8:03silence is the loudest thing you've ever
8:05heard. Your first year, you rank below
8:08the primary wife, below two senior
8:10concubines, below the household servants
8:13with seniority.
8:14The wife assigns you menial tasks.
8:17Mending, folding, sweeping the
8:18courtyard.
8:20These are not your duties. They are
8:22reminders. At 16, the merchant hosts a
8:25banquet for visiting traders. You play
8:27guqin.
8:28One guest asks your name. The merchant
8:30answers. He uses the word my.
8:33That night he calls for you twice.
8:35You're not invisible anymore. Your skill
8:38has made you an asset he shows to
8:39guests.
8:41The senior concubines notice. The
8:43primary wife notices more. You perform
8:45warmth, eagerness, gratitude. You fake
8:49affection for a man who bought you the
8:50way he buys lacquerware.
8:52He wants to believe you're devoted. Your
8:55job is to make the performance seamless.
8:57Even on nights he doesn't call, you
8:59prepare as if he will.
9:01The waiting is its own labor. The sound
9:03of his wooden clogs on the corridor
9:05tiles.
9:06When you hear it, your body arranges
9:08itself before your mind decides to. At
9:1118, pregnancy.
9:13The household physician visits. Better
9:16food. The senior concubine who used to
9:18assign you floor scrubbing now steps
9:20aside in corridors.
9:22Your body is finally currency the system
9:24accepts.
9:26You press the scar on your palm and
9:28think of Chunhua. Her own courtyard. Her
9:31own sedan chair. At 19, a daughter. The
9:34better food stops within a week. The
9:36physician does not return. The primary
9:39wife takes the girl to raise as her own
9:41attendant.
9:42You see your daughter across the
9:43courtyard at meals.
9:45She does not know you are her mother.
9:47The system doesn't just take your body.
9:50It takes your children and raises them
9:51to serve the woman who took them. You
9:53press the scar on your palm watching her
9:55eat.
9:56One daughter is not the end. You're 19.
10:00There's time.
10:01The math still works if you get one more
10:03chance. At 20, Meilan arrives.
10:06Purchased as the merchant's third
10:08concubine.
10:10The girl who held your hand during foot
10:11binding is here.
10:13Six years apart and you find each other
10:15in the same cage.
10:17She recognizes your face before you
10:19recognize hers. You whisper through the
10:21courtyard wall at night giving nicknames
10:24to the primary wife's [laughter] jade
10:25hairpins, the angry chicken, the
10:27suspicious crane.
10:29Meilan laughs so quietly into her sleeve
10:32you almost don't hear it. She starts
10:34leaving a pebble on the garden bench
10:35when she's been there.
10:37Warm means she was there recently. Cold
10:40means don't wait. The primary wife
10:42catches you talking through the wall.
10:44She tells the merchant his two
10:45concubines are conspiring.
10:47You kneel before him and say, "Meilan
10:49was crying about her foot pain."
10:51You were comforting her, nothing more.
10:54He accepts it. He likes the idea that
10:56his concubines are fragile, not
10:58strategic.
10:59The wife watches. The conversations move
11:02to the garden and only when she's at
11:03temple. At 21, a new concubine arrives.
11:0715.
11:08Fresh from training.
11:10Lotus steps smaller than yours.
11:12The merchant calls for you less.
11:14When he does, it's brief.
11:16But you're 21, still young enough.
11:19He still calls sometimes.
11:21One more pregnancy.
11:22One son.
11:24And the whole thing turns around. You're
11:2622, soaking your feet in warm water in
11:28the back courtyard. Meilan is humming
11:31through the wall. A melody neither of
11:33you remembers learning. The primary
11:35wife's chief servant appears in the
11:36doorway. "Pack your belongings, all of
11:39them, tonight." The merchant sells you
11:41on a Tuesday. 300 taels. You cost him
11:441,200. The Qing court restructured the
11:46salt monopoly. His license wasn't
11:48renewed. His debts called [laughter] in
11:50at once. He's liquidating. Concubines
11:53are assets. You are being liquidated.
11:55Meilan is sold separately. Different
11:57buyer, different city. You hear her
12:00voice through the wall asking where
12:01you've gone and then the wall is behind
12:04you.
12:04Your daughter stays in the primary
12:06wife's household.
12:07You will not see her again.
12:09The future you've been building
12:10[laughter] for four years. One more
12:12pregnancy.
12:14One son.
12:15Your own courtyard. Your daughter back.
12:18Chunhua's sedan chair.
12:20It was never real.
12:22It was just the calculation the system
12:23gave you so you'd keep smiling. Every
12:25skill they taught you in the training
12:27house, the guqin, the wrist pour, the
12:29lotus walk, it was never refinement, it
12:32was resale value, transferable skills
12:34for the next buyer. A room above a wine
12:36house on the Qinhuai river in Nanjing.
12:39Shared with two other women you've never
12:41met. You are no longer a concubine.
12:44You are a commercial entertainer
12:45performing for whoever can pay. New
12:47girls arrive from Yangzhou every season.
12:5014, 15 years old, smaller feet, brighter
12:54faces,
12:56the same trained smile you taught
12:57yourself at 12.
12:59You watch them enter and you see your
13:01own reflection at eight, at 14, at the
13:04age when you still believed the math.
13:06You're 25 when the manager stops
13:07scheduling you for private rooms. You
13:09pour wine in the main hall now. Less
13:12money, more men, less choice. The men
13:15who visit now don't bring gifts.
13:17They don't stay for conversation. They
13:19don't ask your name. Your hands shake
13:21when you play.
13:23The clients don't notice. They're not
13:25listening to the music. To guests,
13:27you're a living ornament. To yourself,
13:29you're a woman who used to be something.
13:31By 28, the cough won't leave. Your feet
13:34can barely carry you up the stairs. The
13:36infected flesh between the folds cracks
13:38and weeps. Your fingers stiffen in the
13:40damp river cold. A client requests a
13:43guqin piece you've played a thousand
13:44times. Your fingers miss the transition
13:47in the third movement. The note buzzes
13:49instead of ringing. He waves his hand.
13:52"Enough."
13:53The manager docks your evening share.
13:55You played this piece perfectly at 14
13:57for the merchant who bought you. Now you
13:59can't finish it for a man who doesn't
14:01know the difference. Your feet can't
14:03carry you up the stairs without
14:04stopping. Your fingers can't finish a
14:06piece.
14:07You're not a concubine. You're not an
14:09entertainer.
14:10You're a woman in a wine house who used
14:12to be something. Like Su-lin.
14:15The girl from training who couldn't
14:16master the guqin, who ended up on the
14:18Qinhuai for 80 taels. You sold for
14:211,200. You ended up in the same place.
14:24You tap your left wrist at night,
14:26hungry.
14:27Press the scar on your palm
14:29thinking of home. Three taps on the mat.
14:32"I'm still here." Nobody taps back. The
14:35manager mentions a cheaper house
14:36downriver. You know what downriver
14:38means. Downriver is where the current
14:41takes things it's done with. You die at
14:4331. Lung disease compounded by chronic
14:46malnutrition and 14 years of infected
14:49foot bindings that never healed.
14:51You die in a back room of a third-rate
14:53wine house on the Qinhuai river.
14:55The last thing you hear is canal boats
14:57passing outside the window. The same
14:59sound you heard in the training house at
15:00eight. Lying on a bamboo mat with
15:03Meilan's hand in yours. They carry you
15:05out through the back entrance.
15:07Not the front. The back.
15:09They bury you in a communal grave
15:10outside the city wall.
15:12No ceremony. No marker.
15:15No name recorded.
15:17The same grave where the Qinhuai girls
15:18have been buried for a hundred years.
15:21You are not the first thin horse in this
15:22ground. You won't be the last. You were
15:25eight when they checked your teeth and
15:27counted your fingers.
15:28They bought you for 15 taels and sold
15:30you for 1,200. The training house kept
15:32the profit.
15:34The merchant kept the years.
15:35The wine house kept the rest. You
15:37learned the guqin and they charged it to
15:39your sale price.
15:41You bore a daughter and they gave her to
15:43the wife.
15:44You kept a friend through two decades
15:46and three cages and they sold her to a
15:48different city on a Tuesday afternoon.
15:51You press the scar on your palm until
15:53the crescent faded and nobody remembered
15:55what it was from. Not even you.
15:58Somewhere in Yangzhou right now, a
16:00broker is checking the spacing of a
16:01girl's fingers under lamp light.
16:03She's eight. She'll learn the guqin.
16:06She'll dream of Chunhua's sedan chair.
16:09She'll believe the math. 23 years in the
16:11system. You walked into it worth 15
16:13taels.
16:14You walked out worth nothing.
16:16The system kept the change. And speaking
16:18of women who were trained from
16:19childhood, sold to powerful men,
16:22and spent their entire lives calculating
16:24a future that the system had already
16:26priced.
16:27The tribute girl had one thing the thin
16:29horse never did. A number.
16:32A specific price that could buy her out.
16:35She spent 27 years getting close to it.
16:38Check out your life as a tribute girl
16:40right here. Because whether they called
16:41it concubinage or tribute, being sold as
16:45a luxury object means the same thing.
16:47The cage was bigger. The walls were
16:49higher. And the math never worked out.

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