Why It Sucked to Be a Pirate — Transcript

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1. 0:00[Music]
2. 0:08hey little Jimmy yeah what's up do you
3. 0:10like Pirates of the Caribbean yeah it's
4. 0:12all right so do you think it'd be fun to
5. 0:14be a pirate yeah well guess what you
6. 0:16couldn't be more wrong oh [ __ ] yeah I
7. 0:19know at some point every kid has dreamed
8. 0:21about being a swashbuckle and corn
9. 0:23Shuckle and wife cuckle and [ __ ] suckle
10. 0:25and pirate but trust me when I say it
11. 0:27was really not all it's cracked up to be
12. 0:29first we'll talk about the food so one
13. 0:31staple of the pirate diet was salted
14. 0:33meat usually wild oxen or pork and I
15. 0:36love jerky as much as the next guy but
16. 0:38this wasn't like a bag of Jack Lings in
17. 0:40fact it was probably closer in texture
18. 0:41to your shoes than any meat you've ever
19. 0:43eaten in those days you couldn't just
20. 0:45snap into a slim gym that's a modern
21. 0:47luxury that we take for granted back
22. 0:49then the slogan was GW on a slim gym for
23. 0:51minutes on end grinding it between your
24. 0:53mullers while the gallons of salt turn
25. 0:55your mouth into a desert until the
26. 0:56mangled hunk of Flesh in your mouth is
27. 0:58just soft enough to be shoved down your
28. 0:59greasy [ __ ] pirate throat without
29. 1:01tearing a hole another essential food
30. 1:03item was known as heart attac this was
31. 1:05essentially just flour and water baked
32. 1:07into a cracker-like brick beyond the
33. 1:09fact that it was totally flavorless
34. 1:11heart attack was also extremely dense to
35. 1:13the point where Pirates would often have
36. 1:15to slam their fist down on it in order
37. 1:17to break it into pieces small enough to
38. 1:18fit in their mouth as long as it was
39. 1:20kept dry heart attack almost never
40. 1:22spoiled although it often became
41. 1:23infested with weevils um excuse me sir
42. 1:26I'm a vegan so like can I have a new
43. 1:28piece one without any of Mother Nature
44. 1:29natur's beautiful creatures in it
45. 1:32thanks wait a minute is this
46. 1:35gluten-free this better be hemp rope no
47. 1:37but the weevils didn't make you sick or
48. 1:39change the taste all that much so and
49. 1:41this is true the crew would just eat it
50. 1:42in the dark so that way they couldn't
51. 1:44tell if they were eating a normal chunk
52. 1:46or a wev one then there's the crowding
53. 1:48so pirate ships typically packed in as
54. 1:50many crew members as possible because
55. 1:52more Pirates means more manpower when
56. 1:54you go to board an enemy ship of course
57. 1:56the downside to that is that you're
58. 1:57basically like a bunch of hairy unwashed
59. 1:59s
60. 2:00let me illustrate what a typical night
61. 2:02below deck was like so you're sprawled
62. 2:04out on the damp musty wood floor
63. 2:06everything's pitch black you can't see a
64. 2:07thing the smell of the filth and the
65. 2:09mold forces you to only breathe through
66. 2:11your mouth suddenly your left hand feels
67. 2:13wet probably just sea water leaking
68. 2:15through the hole you sniff your hand
69. 2:17nope no that's piss you feel something
70. 2:19furry rub up against your elbow it was
71. 2:21either the body of a diseased rat or the
72. 2:23beard of your disease crewmate either
73. 2:25way that's probably where the piss came
74. 2:27from some gu is moaning loudly in the
75. 2:29Next Room hopefully he's just jerking
76. 2:31off cuz if he's dying that's one more
77. 2:33body to deal with in the morning rinse
78. 2:34and repeat for 8 hours and then it's
79. 2:36daytime the poor diet and cramp
80. 2:38conditions led to disease being a huge
81. 2:40problem aboard pirate ships the most
82. 2:42well-known of these diseases is scurvy
83. 2:44where you don't get enough vitamin C
84. 2:46when scurvy first begins you just kind
85. 2:47of feel tired all the time no big deal
86. 2:49then you get weird spots on your skin
87. 2:51and your gums start bleeding this
88. 2:53progresses until all your teeth fall out
89. 2:55and all of your body's mucous membranes
90. 2:57start gushing blood and pus causing you
91. 2:59to die so that's a lot of fun there were
92. 3:01tons of other diseases too I won't go
93. 3:03through them all but here's a few
94. 3:04honorable mentions also some people say
95. 3:06that alcoholism is a disease I might
96. 3:08just be disturbed but that's one
97. 3:10sickness I could definitely get down
98. 3:12with if it is a disease then yeah just
99. 3:14about every pirate had this one if
100. 3:15anything though I'd call that one of the
101. 3:17few upsides of pirate life finally
102. 3:19there's the combat so you've gone
103. 3:20through all these disgusting horrible
104. 3:22living conditions but at least you could
105. 3:23enjoy the thrill of battle right
106. 3:25swinging from rope to rope sword in your
107. 3:27mouth long intense saber duels that kind
108. 3:29of thing but that's typically not how it
109. 3:31went down for one thing when pirates
110. 3:33boarded a ship nine times out of 10 they
111. 3:35just surrender immediately because what
112. 3:37are a bunch of well-groomed merchants
113. 3:39going to do against a horde of
114. 3:40disgusting barbarians if the defending
115. 3:42ship did decide to fight back though the
116. 3:44resulting brawl wouldn't be anything
117. 3:46like the movies it'd be way worse like
118. 3:48immediate R rating because Pirates rely
119. 3:50a lot on brutality both because they
120. 3:52don't have much real training and
121. 3:54because it scares the [ __ ] out of people
122. 3:56if you were a deck hand on an invaded
123. 3:57ship and you were stupid enough to fight
124. 3:59back you wouldn't be dancing around
125. 4:01doing flips and [ __ ] none of that
126. 4:02instead they'd probably shoot you in the
127. 4:04stomach with a flint lock pistol kick
128. 4:06you to the ground chop off your shoulder
129. 4:08blade with a hand axe gouge out your
130. 4:10eyes with a Marlin Spike wind your
131. 4:12intestines around the prow and then toss
132. 4:13your twitching body overboard and that's
133. 4:15only a slight exaggeration honestly if
134. 4:18Jack Sparrow got attacked by actual
135. 4:20Pirates he wouldn't last a second it's
136. 4:21kind of like a used car salesman going
137. 4:23to prison like I'll be fine if anybody
138. 4:26tries intimidating me I can get out of
139. 4:29it with my quick wit and Charming
140. 4:31personality boy you look real pretty
141. 4:33from
142. 4:34behind oh wow I'm boned so yeah in short
143. 4:38if you thinking about pulling a Captain
144. 4:40Phillips anytime soon I'd advise against
145. 4:42it that's all for today till next time
146. 4:44I'm Sam andella and thank you for
147. 4:46watching
148. 4:56[Music]