Why “Good Parenting” Creates Clingy Kids — Transcript

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1. 0:00It feels like there's an unspoken rule
2. 0:01in modern parenting that to be a good
3. 0:03mom or dad, you have to be on 24/7. The
4. 0:06coach, the cheerleader, the referee, and
5. 0:08sometimes the playmate. All day, every
6. 0:11single day. And if you actually pull it
7. 0:12off, you become the perfectly engaged
8. 0:14parent that's always available. And you
9. 0:17tend to get rewarded with a kid who
10. 0:18seems like can't play alone for 30
11. 0:20seconds. You know the feeling. You
12. 0:22finally sit down for an email or a
13. 0:24coffee or just to watch your show, and
14. 0:25then within 30 seconds, there's a small
15. 0:27person who needs your attention right
16. 0:29[music] away. And every parent of a
17. 0:31toddler knows it. It does come with this
18. 0:33feels like quiet guilt because it feels
19. 0:35like the harder you try to be a present
20. 0:37parent, then the clingier those kids
21. 0:39get. And most of the internet will say
22. 0:42it's a phase and that they'll grow out
23. 0:43of it, but that's that's not actually
24. 0:45what the research says. For a lot of us,
25. 0:47the clinginess isn't a phase that we're
26. 0:49just going to be able to wait out. It's
27. 0:50a habit that we end up accidentally
28. 0:52training onto our kids. And it's not
29. 0:54because we're too involved. I think
30. 0:56there's plenty of deeply involved
31. 0:57parents that have wildly independent
32. 0:59kids, but there's four specific things
33. 1:01that feel like the best parenting on
34. 1:02earth, but that are quietly teaching our
35. 1:04kids one lesson. And look, I've got two
36. 1:06boys, and I'm very guilty of doing
37. 1:08almost all of these things, if not all
38. 1:10four of them. But it's it's I think it's
39. 1:12just good to be aware because once you
40. 1:13see them, it's hard to unsee, and then
41. 1:15you can kind of catch yourself in the
42. 1:16act. The first thing, the interruption.
43. 1:19The first one happens when your kid is
44. 1:20doing the exact thing that you want,
45. 1:21which is just playing. [music] They're
46. 1:23totally locked in in their own little
47. 1:25world. This psychologist, whose name I'm
48. 1:27not going to say, called it flow. It's
49. 1:29when that time disappears when you're
50. 1:31just like in deep focus mode. And with
51. 1:33little kids, we see this happen when
52. 1:35they're playing, stacking cups, lining
53. 1:37up cars, or even just watching a bug
54. 1:39for, you know, 10 minutes straight. To
55. 1:41them, it's not nothing. It's really deep
56. 1:43work. What do we do the second we see it
57. 1:45as parents?
58. 1:47We tend to commentate.
59. 1:49Wow, look at that big tower. Or oh, what
60. 1:51color is that? And our heart's in the
61. 1:53right place because we want to connect
62. 1:55with our kids, but what actually happens
63. 1:57is that focus [music]
64. 1:59disappears. It's not that it gets
65. 2:00redirected, it's just gone. And there's
66. 2:02a name for this move, too, that
67. 2:04researchers call intrusiveness, which is
68. 2:05basically when we steer kids play
69. 2:08towards what we [music] want instead of
70. 2:10what they're actually doing in that
71. 2:11moment in time. And in study after
72. 2:13study, it tracks towards weaker
73. 2:15self-control as kids get older. Now, you
74. 2:17didn't mean to, we mean well as parents,
75. 2:19but you just taught them that the best
76. 2:20part of playing is the moment that they
77. 2:22stop and look at you for attention. Now,
78. 2:24the advice here isn't to ignore your
79. 2:26kid. I think answering them when they
80. 2:27reach for it or when they're asking and
81. 2:29looking for your input [music] is the
82. 2:30whole point, but it's when they're
83. 2:32specifically locked in that you don't
84. 2:33want to interrupt them or teach [music]
85. 2:35them to look for that praise. When
86. 2:36they're locked in, let them stay locked
87. 2:38in. Let them keep doing their own thing.
88. 2:40And as hard as it might be, try not to
89. 2:41just jump in because unless they give
90. 2:43you that invitation, because you want to
91. 2:45be responding instead of yanking them
92. 2:47out of something good. Now, the second
93. 2:49thing, good job. Now, this is the one
94. 2:50that I'm probably most guilty of,
95. 2:52because even if I'm good at not
96. 2:53interrupting them, the first thing I do
97. 2:55when my kids hold up a drawing or show
98. 2:57me something that they're proud of, it's
99. 2:58an automatic good job. And I think a lot
100. 3:00of people here in the States,
101. 3:02especially, we say it a hundred times a
102. 3:04day. And on this one, the research is
103. 3:07pretty clear, actually. It's not on our
104. 3:09side to do that. And Carol Dweck's team
105. 3:11at Stanford ran six separate studies.
106. 3:12Kids that are praised for being smart,
107. 3:14the moment that they hit something hard,
108. 3:16they quit faster and enjoyed it less and
109. 3:19did worse than kids who are praised for
110. 3:21their effort. And it's not just older
111. 3:23kids in a lab. In In one study
112. 3:24specifically, researchers recorded
113. 3:26parents praising their
114. 3:28one-to-three-year-olds at home. And the
115. 3:30toddlers who heard more effort praise
116. 3:32had a healthier relationship with
117. 3:33challenge five years later. And there's
118. 3:36a simple reason for this, because when
119. 3:37you praise the result of "You're so
120. 3:39smart," "What a beautiful painting," or
121. 3:40"Good job," your kids start performing
122. 3:43for your reaction instead of their own
123. 3:45curiosity. And the worst part of it is
124. 3:47they get scared to do hard things
125. 3:49because failing might cost them that
126. 3:51smart badge. And now the fix isn't to
127. 3:54stop cheering them on or telling them
128. 3:55good job. I think we're all going to do
129. 3:57this parents. I think it's to aim
130. 3:58towards the process. It's not a wow,
131. 4:00you're so smart, but rather it's a you
132. 4:01didn't give up on that one. Not a
133. 4:03beautiful painting, but how'd you land
134. 4:05on using all that? You're telling them
135. 4:06that the thing that counts is what they
136. 4:08did, not whether you approved it or not.
137. 4:10And now the third one. I call this one
138. 4:12the house that says no. The third one's
139. 4:13a little different because it's not
140. 4:15really got anything to do what you say,
141. 4:17but more of the environment that your
142. 4:19kids are in. Toddlers learn the world by
143. 4:21grabbing it. That's the little job
144. 4:23description. They will grab anything.
145. 4:24And so if we look at how we build our
146. 4:26homes and how we structure things around
147. 4:28babies, even after baby proofing,
148. 4:30there's so many breakables, cords, and
149. 4:32just a hundred things that they're not
150. 4:34allowed to touch. So you as a parent
151. 4:36almost spend the whole day as a human
152. 4:38guardrail just trailing them around and
153. 4:41you become what I like to call the
154. 4:43Department of No. And from down there at
155. 4:46their height, all of those no's can add
156. 4:49up to one lesson. They can't take two
157. 4:51steps without getting stopped and that
158. 4:53they can't trust this place
159. 4:55>> [music]
160. 4:55>> to not break something. That's something
161. 4:57that they learn and grow with. Now we've
162. 4:59done a lot of my videos on Montessori
163. 5:01which I'll link up here, but that world
164. 5:03has had an answer for this entire
165. 5:06situation and what they called the
166. 5:08prepared environment. And the educator
167. 5:10Janet Lansbury calls the home version a
168. 5:13yes space where it's one zone or just
169. 5:15one corner of the room or even a
170. 5:16playroom where every single object is
171. 5:19safe. It's not just a can I touch this
172. 5:21or can I do this? Your kid knows that
173. 5:23anything in that room is fair [music]
174. 5:24game. It sounds like a small thing, but
175. 5:27get a kid a place where they can explore
176. 5:29without hearing the word no and you're
177. 5:31giving them the autonomy that research
178. 5:33keeps finding that that basically says
179. 5:35kids with real safe independence are
180. 5:37more capable and less anxious because
181. 5:39they cling less because the room finally
182. 5:42stopped saying no. They knew it was
183. 5:43safe. And number four, another one that
184. 5:45I am just terrible at. Probably bad at
185. 5:47most of these. But number four is the
186. 5:49rescue. And it's one of the hardest ones
187. 5:50because it fights a real instinct that
188. 5:52you have as a parent. When your kid is
189. 5:54losing a fight with a shoe or it's on
190. 5:56the wrong foot or just something that
191. 5:57they're trying to overcome, you want to
192. 6:00step in and fix it. And again, this is
193. 6:02the one that I'm the worst at because
194. 6:03especially when it comes to shoes,
195. 6:04because it's faster for us to get out
196. 6:06the door if I just put the shoes on. And
197. 6:08when I do this, I'm doing what
198. 6:09researchers call, be it a little bit
199. 6:11dramatic of a name, learned
200. 6:12helplessness. Though the cleaner science
201. 6:15is about self-efficacy, a kid's growing
202. 6:18sense of I can affect my own world and I
203. 6:20can do this on my own is what really
204. 6:21[music] matters because we don't want to
205. 6:23quietly say that I don't think you can
206. 6:25do this or solve this. [music] And
207. 6:26there's real evidence underneath it
208. 6:28because kids of more controlling, you
209. 6:30know, takeover parents tend to develop
210. 6:33weaker self-regulation and that struggle
211. 6:36that we keep interrupting
212. 6:37>> [music]
213. 6:37>> is where that I can do this myself is
214. 6:40supposed to learn and grow from as your
215. 6:42kids get older. My rule of thumb,
216. 6:44especially when I see my kids hit the
217. 6:45wall or struggling with something, is to
218. 6:47try to wait for at least 30 seconds
219. 6:49because that frustration is where that
220. 6:51growth is happening. It's reps. And
221. 6:54that's what we want them to do and
222. 6:55that's what we want them to get more of
223. 6:56as they get older. And then when they do
224. 6:57finally ask, I think it's also not
225. 6:59immediately jumping in to do it for
226. 7:01them. I think it's just making comments
227. 7:02of, you know, "Yeah, shoes are hard." or
228. 7:04just sitting with them in the hard
229. 7:06moment and then helping them try a
230. 7:08little bit differently and helping them
231. 7:09think about the solution differently
232. 7:11where you can see that growth and you
233. 7:12can see them working with it and solving
234. 7:14it and you just being so [music] proud
235. 7:15of themselves that they were actually
236. 7:17able to get it done. Now, all four of
237. 7:19these come from the safe place. It's
238. 7:20It's not from a place of not caring as a
239. 7:23parent, but it's from caring so much
240. 7:24that you don't want to watch your kids
241. 7:26struggle, get things wrong, or just be
242. 7:28bored. Every one of these habits and
243. 7:30[music] things that even I do and that
244. 7:32other parents do, I think is is it comes
245. 7:34from a place of love. It's just that
246. 7:36it's love kind of pointed in the wrong
247. 7:37direction. And that's really hard,
248. 7:39especially when your kids are so little
249. 7:41and you just want to be [music] there
250. 7:42for them to make it easier. But a kid
251. 7:44doesn't build confidence by watching us
252. 7:46be brilliant at what they think is just
253. 7:48really hard. I think they build it in
254. 7:50that space that we leave for them to
255. 7:52figure out themselves.
256. 7:53>> [music]
257. 7:53>> So, if we close those gaps for them and
258. 7:55we don't give them a safe space to
259. 7:57learn, the answer becomes that they rely
260. 8:00on us, right? That's where they get
261. 8:02clingy because they are trained and
262. 8:03taught and basically told that the job
263. 8:05is that we as parents are everything to
264. 8:07our kids. And it's not. The job as a
265. 8:09parent, which is
266. 8:11really hard to sometimes take in the
267. 8:13strange, almost sad, version of it, is
268. 8:15that we have to make ourselves a little
269. 8:17bit unnecessary to raise somebody who
270. 8:19one day doesn't need us hovering 3 ft
271. 8:21behind them. You don't get there by
272. 8:22doing more for your kids. You get there
273. 8:25by now and then just
274. 8:27doing nothing, letting them figure it
275. 8:29out until they've got it. So, for this
276. 8:30week, try to pick one of these that
277. 8:32stuck with you the most and loosen your
278. 8:34grip just a little bit on it. Whether in
279. 8:36deep quiet focus and playing with a toy
280. 8:38or if they're trying to do something and
281. 8:40you're watching them like lose a battle
282. 8:42with a zipper or a pair of shoes, just
283. 8:44watch what they do in that space that
284. 8:46you give them to figure it out on their
285. 8:48own. I know for me, I'm definitely
286. 8:49working on the rescue. That's something
287. 8:51I need to be better at, taking a step
288. 8:52back and just letting them solve it. But
289. 8:54what about you? Tell me one thing that
290. 8:56you're working on or one thing that you
291. 8:57found the most impactful and insightful
292. 8:58that you want to try to change too. And
293. 9:00if there's something else that you found
294. 9:01that has helped you throughout this
295. 9:03journey, let us know in the comments
296. 9:04below. [music]
297. 9:05Thanks for being here. We'll see you on
298. 9:07the next one.