Why Giving Up Addiction Feels Impossible — Transcript

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1. 0:00I quit porn, gaming, and every dopamine
2. 0:02hit, and now nothing makes me happy
3. 0:04anymore. Has anyone else felt that void?
4. 0:06So, one of the most bizarre lessons I've
5. 0:09learned working in addiction psychiatry
6. 0:12is sobriety does not fix addiction. You
7. 0:16know, when I was like training, I would
8. 0:17have patients who would shoot up
9. 0:20heroin. And I was in Boston, so there
10. 0:21was a lot of K2 usage, which is like
11. 0:23synthetic marijuana, right? It's a lot
12. 0:25of opioid addiction, a lot of K2
13. 0:26addiction, a lot of aderall addiction,
14. 0:28marijuana addiction, alcohol addiction,
15. 0:30right? And so, like, we have this idea
16. 0:33that, okay, so if you're using
17. 0:34substances and it's messing up your
18. 0:37life, the way to fix that is to stop
19. 0:39using substances. And like makes sense,
20. 0:40like sobriety is great. But then I had
21. 0:42like a problem with my patients which
22. 0:44was or my patients had a problem which
23. 0:46is that even if they after they do all
24. 0:48the behavioral stuff to fix their to
25. 0:52attain sobriety sometimes they're left
26. 0:54like this which is like yes I'm sober
27. 0:58and being sober is like better than
28. 1:01using because when I was using my life
29. 1:03was a mess. I was homeless, like, you
30. 1:06know, running out of money on probation
31. 1:08at work. Like I I, you know, had nowhere
32. 1:10to live. Like I was buming money off of
33. 1:13people and like, you know, my parents
34. 1:15like I was like I had to move back in
35. 1:16with my parents and like so life when
36. 1:18you're like a bad addict. My life was
37. 1:20empty. I wasn't progressing in life. I
38. 1:22have all these goals. I'm not moving
39. 1:23towards them. I'm kind of stuck in this
40. 1:24mess. And so it's like, okay,
41. 1:26bro, get sober. But then people get this
42. 1:28other problem, which is after they're
43. 1:30sober, life doesn't feel fun. And so
44. 1:34like in some ways it's better to be
45. 1:36sober, but it's also like there's
46. 1:38something missing when you're sober. The
47. 1:42joy, the zest, everything feels great.
48. 1:44It's just not as fun. And so there's
49. 1:47almost this like posts sobriety
50. 1:50depression that my patients, some of my
51. 1:52patients would go through. And this is
52. 1:53where I, you know, I love neurobiology
53. 1:56perspectives on addiction and stuff like
54. 1:57that, but this is where I think there's
55. 1:59some cool stuff from the field of
56. 2:01psychology. And this is not just a
57. 2:03problem with people who become sober. So
58. 2:05I don't know if you guys had this kind
59. 2:07of growing up. So I grew up in a small
60. 2:08town in Texas and there were people who
61. 2:12like peaked in high school. like this
62. 2:14guy was like, you know, homecoming king,
63. 2:17quarterback for the high school football
64. 2:19team, kind of peaked in high school,
65. 2:22sort of went to college, got a
66. 2:25scholarship, wasn't good enough, sort of
67. 2:27washed out, and then he's like trying to
68. 2:30reclaim that former glory. Another good
69. 2:33example of this is someone who gets
70. 2:35caught up with the one who got away, had
71. 2:38a relationship, everything was fine,
72. 2:41relationship ends, this person moves on
73. 2:43with their life and and and my patient
74. 2:45is stuck. They can't move on. So this is
75. 2:48like a problem where I don't know if
76. 2:49this kind of makes sense. Some human
77. 2:51beings have something in their life that
78. 2:54they really love and then when that
79. 2:56thing ends
80. 2:58they feel empty. And so we're going to
81. 3:01talk about fundamentally moving on. So
82. 3:05if you're someone who has difficulty
83. 3:07moving on, right? And and by sobriety,
84. 3:09and this is like kind of what I mean
85. 3:10about addiction is, and you all kind of
86. 3:12know what I'm talking if you've been
87. 3:14addicted to something, which is that
88. 3:15like the high of that thing is so
89. 3:18good and you go chasing it. Even
90. 3:21after you're sober, you're like, "How do
91. 3:23I find that zest?" And people will tell
92. 3:26me and and I have patients who do all
93. 3:27the right stuff, right? I'm I'm
94. 3:30telling meditate because meditate brings
95. 3:32joy and inner peace. Meditate more.
96. 3:35You'll find bliss. Blissed out, baby.
97. 3:37Let's get blissed,
98. 3:39right? And people used to do like LSD or
99. 3:42psilocybin or things like that. And
100. 3:43they're like, "Hey, I've heard that
101. 3:45meditation can have these spiritual
102. 3:46experiences, too. So, let me try that.
103. 3:49Let me go to Dr. K, and Dr. Okay. Is
104. 3:50going to teach me this esoteric
105. 3:51meditation and then I'm going to have
106. 3:52these spiritual experiences and then
107. 3:54it'll be like I'm back to LSD or
108. 3:57psilocybin without having LSD or
109. 3:59psilocybin. The core thing is you want
110. 4:00to go back to that thing, that feeling.
111. 4:04And then the problem is you look for
112. 4:06other things, right? You're like, how do
113. 4:08I find joy without drugs? Like what game
114. 4:12is going to give me scratch that itch?
115. 4:14And nothing does. No person lives up to
116. 4:19the one who got away, right? Some
117. 4:21studies so show that crystal meth, you
118. 4:24guys want to know why people get
119. 4:25addicted to crystal meth, it increases
120. 4:27dopamine transmission by 1,000 to 10,000
121. 4:31times normal dopamine transmission in
122. 4:34your pleasure circuits in the brain.
123. 4:37And then we're looking for something
124. 4:39like that. When people hear about our
125. 4:42coaching program, their first response
126. 4:43is usually, "Why would I work with
127. 4:45another human being when I can watch
128. 4:47YouTube videos all on my own?" Working
129. 4:49with a coach is about amplifying your
130. 4:52time and effort. We're great at wanting
131. 4:54things and even making some [music]
132. 4:56progress, but we usually struggle with
133. 4:58follow through or have some kind of
134. 5:00setback. And that's exactly where
135. 5:01working with a coach can help. Coaches
136. 5:03provide personalized support to help you
137. 5:05set appropriate goals, make progress,
138. 5:07and even work through setbacks. [music]
139. 5:09Just let us know what your goals are,
140. 5:11what kind of support you're looking for,
141. 5:13and we'll match you with the best coach
142. 5:15for your unique needs. Check out the
143. 5:17link in the description below to see if
144. 5:18coaching is right for you. This is a
145. 5:20weird fundamental psychological thing.
146. 5:24But if you are someone who's
147. 5:25fundamentally stuck and looking for life
148. 5:28to have zest, we're going to go back to
149. 5:31our boy, the one, the only, the sigund.
150. 5:36Okay, this is from his original paper of
151. 5:38mourning and melancholia. And I want to
152. 5:40read y'all something. Okay, so I'll
153. 5:42explain this cuz it's Freudian language
154. 5:44which is hard to understand. Reality
155. 5:46testing has shown that the loved object
156. 5:48no longer exists and it proceeds to
157. 5:50demand that all libido shall be
158. 5:53withdrawn from its attachments to that
159. 5:54object. The demand arouses
160. 5:56understandable opposition. It is a
161. 5:58matter of general observation that
162. 6:00people never willingly abandon a
163. 6:02libidinal position, not even indeed when
164. 6:04a substitute is already beckoning them.
165. 6:07Let's talk about libidinal energy.
166. 6:09Here's you. So, here is the object.
167. 6:13Let's say winning at big gamba THC. Um,
168. 6:18meth. So, here's like, okay, this is
169. 6:21this is like some fundamental
170. 6:22psych psychological stuff, okay? But I
171. 6:24really want to try to explain it and I'm
172. 6:26going to try. So here's you and here's
173. 6:29some object outside of you and then what
174. 6:32happens is this object
175. 6:35brings you joy. So then what happens is
176. 6:38you invest in this object. You have this
177. 6:41fundamental energy. So the libidinal
178. 6:43energy is the energy of like enjoyment
179. 6:46and emotional investment. So if you guys
180. 6:49think about something that you're like
181. 6:51addicted to, you're emotionally
182. 6:53invested. you have a relationship with
183. 6:55that thing, right? So, it's like the
184. 6:58game or the gambling or the weed is how
185. 7:02I feel alive.
186. 7:05It's how I feel joy. Like, I'm invested
187. 7:08in this thing. This thing is the source.
188. 7:11It's where I put my joyful energy in my
189. 7:14emotional engagement. Right? And I don't
190. 7:17know if this kind of makes sense, but
191. 7:18when you're like really into drugs,
192. 7:20there's all kinds of other that
193. 7:22you're just not invested in. There's
194. 7:24your job. There's your family. Sometimes
195. 7:27there's even your lover, right? And
196. 7:29you're just not, it doesn't, it's not
197. 7:31where your mind is. It's not where your
198. 7:33energy is. It's not where your
199. 7:34investment is. You're just like, you're
200. 7:36a addict. So, this is what
201. 7:37you're thinking about all the time. Now,
202. 7:39here's the really messed up thing. When
203. 7:41this thing goes away, and this paper is
204. 7:44about mourning and melancholy, right?
205. 7:45So, he's talking about mourning. So,
206. 7:48this can even be a person. So this can
207. 7:50be you know my glory days as a football
208. 7:53star. This can be uh the one who got
209. 7:56away. All this stuff is kind of the
210. 7:58same. It is the the fundamental energy
211. 8:00of investment into a thing. The thing
212. 8:02that we get attached to the thing that
213. 8:04brings us joy and pleasure. Do you all
214. 8:06see how this is like all kind of one
215. 8:08thing? Now here's the problem. When this
216. 8:12thing goes away, when this person dies,
217. 8:16when the football career ends, the one
218. 8:18who got away gets remarried. Even though
219. 8:20this thing is gone, our emotional energy
220. 8:24is still stuck in this pipeline because
221. 8:27you think about it. And then once these
222. 8:29things are gone, we look for other
223. 8:31things like, okay, meditation, can can I
224. 8:34get meditation to fit in here? We look
225. 8:37for fundamentally, we always look for a
226. 8:39replacement of that thing. That's the
227. 8:41key thing. We want to replace that
228. 8:43thing. We don't want something else. We
229. 8:45only want that thing. I'm looking for my
230. 8:48former glory. I don't want a new glory.
231. 8:50I want the former glory. I don't want to
232. 8:52listen. I don't want to enjoy music in
233. 8:54this way. In this white noise way. I
234. 8:57want to enjoy music in that way. Like
235. 9:00the feeling of drugs when they hit,
236. 9:03baby. You know what I'm talking about?
237. 9:05When it hits. When it hits. And you know
238. 9:10you are in for a good time. yeah.
239. 9:14Chasing the dragon. Oh my god. It's been
240. 9:16so long since I've used I've been sober.
241. 9:19Oh my god. I've been sober for 6 months
242. 9:21and I relapsed.
243. 9:24Oh, [snorts] thank God. Let's go. Oh my
244. 9:27god. All my receptors are back to
245. 9:29baseline. I have no tolerance anymore.
246. 9:33Oh my god. I relapse. It feels so
247. 9:35good. Even Even when I was
248. 9:38sober, right, I was still attached to
249. 9:40this. I was looking for the replacement,
250. 9:43baby. I was looking for the replacement
251. 9:45and nothing. I tried to get this thing
252. 9:47to fit in there and it didn't
253. 9:48fit. And I tried to get this thing to
254. 9:50fit and it does fit inside, but it's
255. 9:52only this small. I want this whole
256. 9:54space, man. Come on.
257. 9:56I want that love again. Right? So even
258. 9:59though we're sober, even though we're
259. 10:01single, even though we're healthy, our
260. 10:05fundamental investment is still here.
261. 10:07Make sense? So the demand arouses an
262. 10:10understandable opposition. It is a
263. 10:12matter of general observation that
264. 10:13people will never willingly abandon a
265. 10:16libido position. Okay, what does that
266. 10:19mean? That means that once this is
267. 10:22over here, I'm not going to give this
268. 10:24up. I don't want to give this up because
269. 10:26if I abandon this position then all this
270. 10:30stuff is just in here and this doesn't
271. 10:32feel good. There's no libidinal
272. 10:33attachment to anything like there's just
273. 10:35it's just empty, right? So I I want to
274. 10:38find a replacement. I don't want to just
275. 10:40have nothing because I have no
276. 10:41attachment over here, no attachment over
277. 10:43here, no attachment over here. So it's
278. 10:45just like if I just give up drugs then
279. 10:47I've got nothing. Uh, the opposition can
280. 10:50be so intense that turning away from
281. 10:52reality takes place and clinging to the
282. 10:54object through the medium of a
283. 10:56hallucinatory wishful psychosis. Now,
284. 10:58what the hell does that mean? That means
285. 11:00that even though we know this is gone,
286. 11:03right? Oh, like the one that got away,
287. 11:06he's married now. This is gone and never
288. 11:08coming back. We are still hoping. We are
289. 11:12still looking for a substitute even
290. 11:16though it's gone. Even though it's gone,
291. 11:19even though we're sober now, we're still
292. 11:21hunting for something in here. We don't
293. 11:23want to give it up. You guys know what I
294. 11:24mean? Like, if you're sober, you still
295. 11:26don't want to give it up. And this is
296. 11:28why people say, "Hi, my name is Alo. I'm
297. 11:30an alcoholic. My last drink was 32 years
298. 11:33ago, and I'm still an alcoholic." What
299. 11:36does that mean? Is it a neurobiological
300. 11:39genetic predisposition to get addicted
301. 11:41to alcohol? Sure. But it is also this.
302. 11:46It is also this. Normally, respect for
303. 11:50reality gains the day. Nevertheless, its
304. 11:53orders cannot be obeyed all at once.
305. 11:55They are carried out bit by bit at great
306. 11:57expense of time and kathetic energy. And
307. 11:59in the meantime, the existence of the
308. 12:01lost object is psychically prolonged.
309. 12:03Okay, we'll explain what this means.
310. 12:05This is the key sentence. Each one of
311. 12:07each single one of the memories and
312. 12:08expectations in which libido is bound to
313. 12:10the object is brought up in hyperfected
314. 12:13and then detachment of the libido is
315. 12:14accomplished in respect of it. Okay,
316. 12:17what the hell does that mean? So let's
317. 12:20just pick marijuana. When I form a
318. 12:22libidinal attachment
319. 12:24to marijuana, okay, so like I'm
320. 12:26invested. Like yeah, let's go. We think
321. 12:28that when we're sober this is gone, but
322. 12:31it's not gone. I'll tell you this thing
323. 12:34is actually a thousand things. It's the
324. 12:37sound of music. It is the joy of video
325. 12:40games. And it's also different kinds of
326. 12:42joy. It's a MOA. It's an FPS. It's uh
327. 12:46storybased game. It's a cutscene, right?
328. 12:48And it's different kinds of music. It's
329. 12:50appreciating reggae. Appreciating Snoop
330. 12:53Dogg. Appreciating maybe classical,
331. 12:55right? And it's also feeling
332. 12:59normal instead of socially anxious. It's
333. 13:02being able to lay down and enjoy falling
334. 13:07asleep. You guys like get me? What we
335. 13:10get invested in is not a substance. It's
336. 13:15not a joint. It's not a gummy. It's not
337. 13:18a pill. What we get invested in is all
338. 13:21of these experiences.
339. 13:23And there are so many of them. And so we
340. 13:26think we've conquered the thing. It's a
341. 13:29way of life. Ah, beautifully put. It is.
342. 13:32It is a way of living. And if it is a
343. 13:35way of life, it is a person. It is your
344. 13:39way of life. Then what happens is not
345. 13:41only I I like this, it's a way of life
346. 13:43because all of this stuff when we lose
347. 13:46it gets internalized, this is what Freud
348. 13:50says, into the ego. So here's the
349. 13:52example that Freud gave gave with
350. 13:54morning. So when there's a person that
351. 13:55we lose and let's say we love this
352. 13:58person and we're angry with this person,
353. 14:01what happens is like we kind of polarize
354. 14:03them. We have all the love for the lost
355. 14:07person over here, right? Because we we
356. 14:10don't speak ill of the dead, right?
357. 14:11Because when people die, they become
358. 14:13saints. And so all of this anger towards
359. 14:16this person has nowhere to go and it
360. 14:17becomes internalized. So all of this
361. 14:20emotional energy which includes love and
362. 14:23anger they can't receive it anymore. So
363. 14:25it actually comes into us. So when we
364. 14:28lose marijuana or we lose fentinil or we
365. 14:31lose gambling we lose some like we lose
366. 14:34a part of ourselves like we get tied to
367. 14:36that loss like that person is gone. That
368. 14:39person who was riding high and on top of
369. 14:42the world that person is gone. So here's
370. 14:45the tricky thing. What we need to do is
371. 14:48something called decoexis. So this
372. 14:51energy needs to be withdrawn and pulled
373. 14:54back into us. And when we do this, we
374. 14:58have nowhere for the libidinal energy to
375. 15:00go. We have nowhere for the emotional
376. 15:02investment to go. So this life is gray.
377. 15:05You may think like, oh, when our my
378. 15:07libidinal energy is within me, does that
379. 15:08mean that I feel fulfilled? No, it's
380. 15:10actually not. This is it just has
381. 15:12nowhere to go. So when we kind of go
382. 15:14back to this passage for a second, they
383. 15:16are carried out bit by bit at great
384. 15:18expense of time and kctic energy and in
385. 15:20the meantime the existence of the object
386. 15:22lost object is physically prolonged. So
387. 15:24what does this mean? This means that
388. 15:26this process remember this over here how
389. 15:29so each of these happens one step at a
390. 15:32time. So, okay, I'm going to give up
391. 15:34MOBAs, and then I get a little bit of
392. 15:36kathetic energy back, and then I'm going
393. 15:38to give up FPS, and then I get a little
394. 15:41bit back, and then I'm going to give up
395. 15:43story-based games, and then I get a
396. 15:45little bit back. And then I'm going to
397. 15:46give up, oh my god, social feeling
398. 15:49normal. Whole little bit back. And if
399. 15:51you guys have experienced mourning, you
400. 15:53kind of know what I'm talking about,
401. 15:55right? Because you don't like the person
402. 15:56is dead, but you mourn them in slices.
403. 16:01I'm still mourning my dad
404. 16:03because my dad, you know, he he he
405. 16:05passed away the year I got into medical
406. 16:07school and he was so happy that I was I
407. 16:09finally got into medical school and he's
408. 16:11like, you know, I'll look you would be a
409. 16:12great doctor one day. And then sometimes
410. 16:14when I like get accolades for the work
411. 16:17that I do, I really miss my dad. So
412. 16:19these things, right? So and and if
413. 16:21you've been addicted to something, you
414. 16:22kind of know because like it's it's like
415. 16:24death by a thousand cuts. It's like this
416. 16:26thing has changed and now this thing has
417. 16:27changed. So I'll give you all an
418. 16:28example. So, you know, I have a patient
419. 16:30who's addicted to alcohol. And alcohol,
420. 16:32it's not just giving up alcohol. It's
421. 16:33giving up barbecues. It's giving up
422. 16:35happy hours. It's giving up boozy
423. 16:38vacations at all-inclusive resorts. It's
424. 16:41giving up cruise ships. It's giving up a
425. 16:44nice glass of wine when you're touring
426. 16:46through Napa Valley. It's giving up when
427. 16:50your friends travel to France and bring
428. 16:52you a bottle from the Bordeaux region of
429. 16:55France and they bring you a beautiful
430. 16:56gift. It's giving up going to Vegas with
431. 16:59your boys. It's giving up having a beer
432. 17:02at a football game. It's giving up such
433. 17:05a large part of life and we don't want
434. 17:09to give those things up. Right? So when
435. 17:11when Freud says the demand arouses
436. 17:13understandable opposition, we don't want
437. 17:15to pull back. It is a matter of general
438. 17:17observation that people will never
439. 17:19willingly abandon a libidal position.
440. 17:22Not even indeed when a substitute is
441. 17:24beckoning them. So Freud says, even if
442. 17:26you've got an alternative, you don't
443. 17:27want to give it up. You don't want to
444. 17:28give up barbecues and football games and
445. 17:31feeling frisky and going to Vegas with
446. 17:33your boys, you don't want to give all
447. 17:34that up. Like that's what life is.
448. 17:37And this is the problem when we don't
449. 17:40give it up because then it has nowhere
450. 17:42else to go, right? So it's hard to give
451. 17:45up and it's it has to be given up a
452. 17:47thousand different ways. And the most
453. 17:50important thing is giving it up means
454. 17:53entering this state, the state of gray.
455. 17:58Truly giving it up. And that's what
456. 18:01needs to be done. Once that libidinal
457. 18:05energy is back within you, once it's
458. 18:07truly been withdrawn, there's an there's
459. 18:09absolutely a gray zone. But now you can
460. 18:12form a new connection. Now a thread can
461. 18:14go over here. And now a thread can go
462. 18:16over here. And now a thread can go over
463. 18:18here. And now a thread can go over here.
464. 18:20And then life can start to have joy. But
465. 18:23this object is different. And this
466. 18:26object is different. There's never going
467. 18:28to be this object again. But you can
468. 18:31have other objects. And here's the key
469. 18:33thing. The joy, this is the hard part.
470. 18:35Hopefully I'm it makes sense now. The
471. 18:38joy from drugs doesn't technically come
472. 18:41from the drug. It comes from your
473. 18:43libidinal investment in the thing. This
474. 18:47is where the joy comes from, not the
475. 18:49drug itself. And I'll give you all an
476. 18:51example, right? Because I'm a gaming
477. 18:53addict. You guys know like when you
478. 18:55grieve when a video game ends, right?
479. 18:57And then you're looking for that next
480. 18:59game. You're looking for that emotional
481. 19:02attachment, getting lost in this world
482. 19:06that has good mechanics and leveling up
483. 19:09and progression. Like you get swept
484. 19:11away. You are in that thing. now.
485. 19:16And as long as you are making
486. 19:18comparisons to that last game, as long
487. 19:21as you're making comparisons to that
488. 19:23ex-boyfriend, as long as, like, sure, I
489. 19:25got an award for making the most money
490. 19:28at work in my used car. I'm a used car
491. 19:31salesman and I got an award for getting
492. 19:33the highest sales in February of 2026.
493. 19:36Whoopde do. Doesn't touch going
494. 19:40allin when you have a 4% chance of
495. 19:43victory. when you've got two outs left
496. 19:46and hitting it big, standing up to the
497. 19:49world and saying, "Oh man, I'm so
498. 19:51fucked." And then getting getting pulled
499. 19:53out of that into a victory, snatching
500. 19:57victory from the jaws of defeat.
501. 20:00I sold some cars. Whoopde do.
502. 20:04It's only whoopde do because
503. 20:06your libidinal energy is still in that
504. 20:09thing on some fundamental level. You are
505. 20:11still chasing that thing. You've not
506. 20:14withdrawn from it. You really haven't
507. 20:15given it up. It's absent, but you have
508. 20:18not given it up. This is that window in
509. 20:23between sobriety and happiness. And so,
510. 20:26this is the most painful thing cuz Freud
511. 20:28says it and it's true, right? We really
512. 20:30have to give it up. And that doesn't
513. 20:32mean I don't mean behaviorally which is
514. 20:34an important part of like addiction
515. 20:35recovery like you helps to be sober to
516. 20:37give it up but even you I've seen cases
517. 20:40of of decoexis even when someone is
518. 20:43actively using you can even argue that
519. 20:46so I don't know if this makes sense this
520. 20:48is what's like actually really
521. 20:49cool I never thought about this like
522. 20:50this before but this is I don't know if
523. 20:52this makes sense okay so let's say the
524. 20:53drug is over here you have all this
525. 20:55libidinal energy towards it here's the
526. 20:58cool thing if you give it up even when
527. 21:01the substance is present now you're not
528. 21:04invested in it and this probably happens
529. 21:06like I I've worked with so many patients
530. 21:07who will say you know one day I woke up
531. 21:09and enough was enough they
532. 21:11psychologically separate first they say
533. 21:14I'm done psychologically this is over
534. 21:17it's finished I'm severing my libidinal
535. 21:20attachment I'm done I'm done I
536. 21:22want it hurts I'm in withdrawal I've had
537. 21:25patients who have had both cancer and
538. 21:27been in opiate withdrawal and they've
539. 21:28told me opiate withdrawal is way worse
540. 21:30than cancer I'd rather have cancer and
541. 21:32chemotherapy over opiate withdrawal any
542. 21:33day of the week. But you sever that
543. 21:35attachment first and then the behavior
544. 21:38will disappear. It's so tricky. But
545. 21:41here's the key thing. If you are someone
546. 21:44who feels like life is gray, life is
547. 21:47empty and nothing brings you joy. Sure,
548. 21:50there is a dopamineergic neurochemical
549. 21:52component where that'll balance out
550. 21:54within weeks to months. Fine. But for
551. 21:56some people that doesn't even do it.
552. 21:58That pull is still there. The siren song
553. 22:00is still there. You're still invested in
554. 22:02it in your being.
555. 22:05You haven't really given it up. And
556. 22:07that's what absolutely has to be done on
557. 22:10this level. You have to give it up and
558. 22:12give it up forever. And then you ask
559. 22:14your mind will ask you the question, if
560. 22:16I give it up forever, does that mean my
561. 22:18life will be empty and gray? And the
562. 22:21answer is yes. And you have to do it
563. 22:23anyway. You have to accept this as a
564. 22:26state of life. Then the libidinal energy
565. 22:29will will grow within you. You'll feel
566. 22:32really bad and then it'll find another
567. 22:34thing to invest in. And the simplest way
568. 22:37to put this is you can't fall in love
569. 22:39with somebody else until you've truly
570. 22:42given up on your ex, right? So simple.
571. 22:46You have to make space for other things
572. 22:48in your life. And as long as the craving
573. 22:50for that first thing is there, as long
574. 22:52as that libidinal attachment is there,
575. 22:54ain't never going to work. questions.
576. 22:59Oh, [laughter]
577. 23:01I love the question. Okay. What if my ex
578. 23:06is my soulmate? If ever I have heard a
579. 23:09question that rep represents a libidinal
580. 23:12attachment, it is that one. What is a
581. 23:16soulmate? What is the concept of a
582. 23:18soulmate? The concept of a soulmate is
583. 23:20someone who has all of your libidinal
584. 23:22attachment. It is the libidal attachment
585. 23:24that makes the soulmate beautiful.
586. 23:28You guys see the It's so good, man. Oh
587. 23:31my god. I I I love being with
588. 23:33y'all so much, dude. The demand arouses
589. 23:36an understandable opposition. It is a
590. 23:39matter of general observation that
591. 23:41people never willingly abandon a liinal
592. 23:43position, not even indeed when a
593. 23:45substitute is already beckoning them.
594. 23:47Here you are at work with another
595. 23:50soulmate ready to go who's into you. But
596. 23:54oh, what is the concept of the soulmate?
597. 23:57The soulmate is what your mind
598. 24:00consciously tells you when you have a
599. 24:03liinal attachment to someone else.
600. 24:05Beautiful question. Yeah. So, what steps
601. 24:09can I can take to give up on something?
602. 24:11Great question. So, a couple of
603. 24:14different things.
604. 24:16The first is recognize that giving up on
605. 24:18something is not multiple steps towards
606. 24:22one thing. It is a thousand one step
607. 24:26things, right? So your attachment
608. 24:29towards a thing is all of the things
609. 24:31that it was in your life. How do we
610. 24:33mourn? We go through Christmas. We go
611. 24:35through birthday. We go through oh
612. 24:38watching the next season of the show
613. 24:39that we were watching together. It's
614. 24:41it's death by a thousand cuts except we
615. 24:44have to go through it. Actually, it's
616. 24:45life by a thousand cuts. That's what it
617. 24:47is. That's how you start living again.
618. 24:49That sounds I can't tell if that's
619. 24:52social media, tweet, Instagram worthy.
620. 24:55Oh, life by a thousand cuts.
621. 24:59A so wise or Oh my god, Dr. K, you're so
622. 25:03brilliant. Life by a thousand cuts. But
623. 25:05that's what decathaxis really is. It's
624. 25:08life through a thousand cuts. A thousand
625. 25:11tiny severings. And this is the brutal
626. 25:14part of it is what you have to do is say
627. 25:16this is gone. Stop looking for a
628. 25:19substitute. And then you will feel empty
629. 25:22and so be it. This is what life is.
630. 25:26Life is empty. Now life is over. Love is
631. 25:30lost. Now here's the key thing. When
632. 25:33life becomes empty, people will take one
633. 25:36extra step that will mess them up, which
634. 25:37is life is empty forever.
635. 25:40Right? And that's what keeps us
636. 25:42attached. Okay, let me show you what I
637. 25:44mean. Libidinal attachment to object.
638. 25:48When we withdraw it, life is empty. And
639. 25:51so we don't want it to be empty, right?
640. 25:54We don't want this state. And in the
641. 25:57avoidance of this state, we keep it
642. 26:00there. That's precisely the absence of
643. 26:02morning. We don't want to be here. And
644. 26:06there's the problem is there's a gap
645. 26:07between being here and being here.
646. 26:11This may never happen, right? And so
647. 26:13when Freud says the order cannot be
648. 26:16obeyed at once, they are carried out bit
649. 26:18by bit at great expense of time and
650. 26:19cathic energy. So what you have to do is
651. 26:22give that up. And then the problem is
652. 26:24that once so here's the thing, okay?
653. 26:27Once you're here, this feels like
654. 26:31forever.
655. 26:33And since this feels like forever and is
656. 26:36intolerable, we end up going back this
657. 26:38way. And if y'all have gone through a
658. 26:40breakup where like you lost your
659. 26:42soulmate, you you hopefully and you
660. 26:43bounced up
661. 26:45uh you know bounced back on the other
662. 26:47side, what you discovered is that there
663. 26:49was a period of time where you thought
664. 26:51you would never love again,
665. 26:54but then a couple years go by, you meet
666. 26:55someone new and oh wow, I can love
667. 26:58again.
668. 27:00I found my soulmate once in my life and
669. 27:02I'm the luckiest person on the planet
670. 27:03because I f found my soulmate twice. And
671. 27:06that's the problem, right? is when we're
672. 27:08in this state. I don't even know how to
673. 27:11explain this. I'm high. The stuff that I
674. 27:13used to enjoy feels amplified. The stuff
675. 27:15that I used to genuinely love just feels
676. 27:17gray and unsufferable. You have to be in
677. 27:20that state. And then the libidinal
678. 27:22energy, this is the cool thing, the
679. 27:23libidinal energy won't stay that way
680. 27:25forever. It has a natural tendency to go
681. 27:28and form attachments with things.
682. 27:31But you have to get through that period.
683. 27:32That's how you mourn. You give it up.
684. 27:34And you don't just stop doing the
685. 27:36behavior. That's the whole point of this
686. 27:37lecture is that stopping to do the
687. 27:39behavior will leave you gray and sober.
688. 27:42You have to accept that gray and sober
689. 27:45is a way for life and you have to accept
690. 27:46it wholeheartedly.
691. 27:49And then the libidinal attachment will
692. 27:51start to go somewhere else.