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Why Gifted Kids Are Actually Special Needs — Transcript

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0:00so oh boy i sure do love being perceived
0:02as a gifted child i hope i don't end up
0:04as being a perfectionist perfectionist
0:06burnout with
0:08burnt out i suppose with depression
0:10anxiety unfulfilled expectations and no
0:12real interests or goals
0:14so this is something that someone
0:16cross-posted to our subreddit you know
0:17it's a meme we've had a couple of
0:19streams about burnout and gifted kids
0:24so today what i'd like to talk to you
0:25all a little bit about is
0:28the pathway from gifted child to burnt
0:32out perfectionist
0:34as well as sort of the way that society
0:37actually sets gifted children up to kind
0:39of fail
0:41so i know it's kind of interesting but
0:42when we think about a gifted child
0:45we think about we perceive
0:47gifted as an advantage
0:49but in my experience working with a lot
0:51of gifted children it's not always an
0:53advantage and in fact oftentimes it can
0:55be a burden
0:56and so i've seen this a lot in our
0:58community i've worked with a lot of
0:59people who kind of fall into that this
1:01category i suppose i sort of fall into
1:02it as well
1:04where i grew up kind of get i'm gifted
1:06right so like school was easy for me i
1:08was told from a very young age that i
1:09was smart
1:11i was also kind of held accountable for
1:14like not studying right there like i'd
1:16kind of like not study very much and
1:18maybe get a b plus or an a minus
1:21and my teachers would tell my parents
1:23the same thing every single
1:25parent-teacher conference they'd always
1:26say well if all look just applied
1:28himself he would be the best student in
1:30the class
1:31if he only just like
1:33studied more he'd be the best student in
1:34the class right they were like he's
1:35super smart he has a lot of potential
1:38right so they use these words like they
1:40talk about how smart i am they talk
1:41about all the potential i have and if i
1:43just applied myself i'd be you know i'd
1:45be such a
1:46i'd be the best student
1:49so it's kind of interesting because we
1:50perceive giftedness as an advantage
1:53but as one of my teachers once told me
1:55we'll kind of get to this towards the
1:56end
1:57they once explained to me that um this
1:59is in in not in medical school but when
2:01i was training to become a psychiatrist
2:02i had a supervisor who once told me that
2:04gifted gifted children or special needs
2:06children and what that literally means
2:08is that like the needs of a child who's
2:11gifted are actually different from the
2:13average child and the parents who
2:15recognize that and recognize that this
2:17child is going to need like a slightly
2:19different structure a different
2:20curriculum or a different way of being
2:22raised are the ones that end up sort of
2:24doing a really good job and oddly enough
2:26in her clinical experience she found
2:29that much like any other special needs
2:31children um
2:32you know kids that were not
2:36treated appropriately despite their
2:38gifts were the ones that kind of
2:40struggled so this statement when i first
2:42heard it i thought was like absolutely
2:43ridiculous kind of blew my mind a little
2:45bit but i respected the supervisor a lot
2:47and i started thinking about it
2:49so what i'd like to share with you all
2:50today is sort of the pathway that a
2:53gifted child takes
2:55how a society treats them how parents
2:57treat them the kind of struggles they
2:59face or the influences that they have
3:00let's not even call it a struggle
3:01because it may not be a struggle and
3:03then sort of how they end up so i'd like
3:05to kind of share with that with you all
3:06today okay
3:08so the first thing that tends to happen
3:10is when a child is gifted they
3:13te school tends to be easy right so if
3:15you kind of think about it
3:16developmentally
3:17there are a lot of different things that
3:18happen in school so let's talk about
3:20school so school is a place where you
3:22get you socialize right so you get
3:24socialization skills it's a place that
3:26you learn and people think that school
3:28is primarily about learning and it is
3:30primarily about learning but it's just
3:31not about
3:32learning that the subject material so
3:34sure we learn like arithmetic and
3:36mathematics and all that kind of stuff
3:38we learn history and science and all
3:39that good stuff
3:41but really school if you kind of look at
3:42it developmentally is a wonderful
3:44opportunity to learn certain key things
3:47socialization is a really important
3:49piece the other thing is like habits and
3:52how to study and this is the first sort
3:54of disadvantage that i think gifted
3:55children sort of face
3:57is that you know if you're young and
3:58you're gifted school is so easy that you
4:01sort of get by without the luxury of
4:03studying and so we kind of perceive this
4:06as an advantage right like if you have
4:07to if you go through school and you
4:09don't study like that's easy like it's
4:11easy easy clap right
4:13and so it is and that sort of makes
4:15sense
4:16but the the interesting thing that i
4:18found is that oftentimes being
4:20intelligent especially when you're super
4:22young as a kid actually sets you up for
4:24failure down the road because you never
4:27need to learn
4:28the habituated study like
4:31technique that you kind of need to that
4:33that you need to succeed later on so for
4:35a normal kid what tends to happen is
4:37like they don't have to study like in
4:38first grade but maybe like second grade
4:39third grade they have to learn how to
4:41study like once a week maybe they like
4:43learn how to study the night before the
4:45test because it doesn't come easily to
4:46them
4:47and then fourth grade fifth grade now
4:49you're you're doing homework a couple
4:50days a week you know you're studying two
4:52or three days before the test then you
4:54kind of hit middle school where maybe
4:55you're studying like four days before
4:57the test and so there's this very
4:58graduated sense of increasing
5:01responsibility as you go further and
5:03further in school
5:04and it's sort of designed that way right
5:06we're not like no teacher has a six six
5:09year old that they're like giving 14
5:11hours of homework a week to it's just
5:13absurd and then at the top end of the
5:15spectrum in terms of study habits and
5:17what we demand of students you have
5:18something like let's say law school or
5:20medical school or things like that where
5:21people are regular studying like 60
5:24hours a week 80 hours a week in medical
5:25school because you know people have have
5:28grown up and have built enough of a
5:30study habit where they can actually
5:32handle that pace of study
5:34so what happens with the gifted kid so
5:36the gifted kid you know when you sort of
5:38level up your skill to level one like in
5:41the first grade and then you level up
5:42your studying skill to level two in the
5:44second grade and level three in the
5:45third grade so the gifted kid never
5:47actually has to like grind that xp for
5:50levels like one through five of studying
5:52habits
5:53and so they sort of managed to get b's
5:55or a's without really minimal with
5:57minimal studying or no studying at all
5:59and then seventh grade rolls around
6:01eighth grade rolls around they start to
6:02struggle a little bit maybe they get b's
6:04they're still not learning how to study
6:05because they sort of skipped that part
6:07of of the you know the skill building
6:10and we'll kind of get to that later and
6:12then what tends to happen with gifted
6:13kids is that they don't need to study
6:15don't need to study don't need to study
6:16and then they hit a wall
6:18they finally get into some kind of
6:20situation where their raw intellect
6:22cannot
6:24is no longer sufficient to handle the
6:26schoolwork that they're supposed to
6:28handle
6:28but they've trained themselves at that
6:30point they've customized themselves at
6:32that point to managing school with raw
6:35intellect
6:36and so when that kind of falls short
6:38they like they really kind of really hit
6:40a wall it's a very very hard cliff to to
6:44overcome
6:45and so this is kind of the first thing
6:46that that sort of shoots gifted kids in
6:48the foot and this also leads to kind of
6:50this idea of perfectionism and burnout
6:52because then they like you know then
6:53they they struggle a lot they don't
6:55understand why they can't do it they
6:56they try they know they're smart
6:58everyone's talking to them about
6:59potential they start to feel really bad
7:01about themselves so the first kind of
7:03interesting thing that gifted kids run
7:04into is the fact that they sort of don't
7:07develop the proper study habits because
7:09you know as a six-year-old it's kind of
7:10not your fault because like you're not
7:12mature enough as a six-year-old to
7:14realize like oh i need you know to have
7:16good study habits so even though the
7:18teacher said this last tuesday and i
7:20understand that i don't need to study
7:21i'm going to sit down and like practice
7:22my study habits it doesn't make any
7:24sense it's like completely artificial
7:26so that's the first thing that happens
7:28is that they kind of hit this wall of of
7:30you know not being able to study
7:32the second thing to consider is the
7:34expectation so another thing that really
7:36leads gifted kids kind of down the wrong
7:38path is
7:40the burden of expectation that's placed
7:42upon them so from a very young age
7:44they're told oh you're gifted you're
7:45smart you're special you have so much
7:47potential and so what that starts to do
7:49is it constructs like a very very lofty
7:52goal in their minds right so i'm going
7:54to use kind of an analogy which is kind
7:56of like you know if i think about an
7:59amazing home like i think about a
8:01mansion it can have a beautiful
8:03blueprint and i can buy a gigantic piece
8:05of land and i can look at that and i can
8:07say like oh like this this home or this
8:09this blueprint has so much potential
8:12and sometimes we kind of forget that
8:14like
8:15you can have like you can have a
8:16blueprint for a mansion but that's gonna
8:18actually take way more work to achieve
8:21than like building a shack so the other
8:24really interesting thing that that we
8:26sort of kind of get wrong societally is
8:28that we assume that when someone is
8:30gifted
8:31things are actually going to be easier
8:33for them that they need to work less to
8:35accomplish the same amount
8:37but in my experience living up to a
8:39gifted child's potential involves more
8:42work it's sort of like you know it's
8:44just like building a shack versus
8:46building a mansion like sure the mansion
8:48is capable of so much more than the shaq
8:50is capable of but let's not forget for a
8:53moment that the amount of effort that it
8:55goes into building a mansion is actually
8:57way more than what's required to build a
8:59shack this is the second place that
9:01gifted kids kind of get tripped up
9:02because everyone around
9:04is looking at them and they're sort of
9:05saying
9:06oh like this is an amazing mansion like
9:08you could build such an amazing mansion
9:10and we all kind of forget for a moment
9:12that like actually living up to that
9:14potential is very very difficult and
9:16requires a lot more of an investment
9:18than building a shack
9:20and so this gap between what people
9:23expect of you and also the idea that
9:25things should be easier for you
9:27kind of compound on themselves and sort
9:30of end up with gifted kids kind of
9:32feeling like they're they're failing at
9:33everything right because they have all
9:34this potential
9:36and they're not they're just not living
9:38up to it
9:39so the other thing that we'll see in
9:40gifted kids is that what what tends to
9:42happen is that they will put in some
9:44amount of work
9:46but they're expecting a mansion when
9:49all they've really put in is as much as
9:51building a shack
9:52i may have lost you a little bit there
9:54but let me just explain
9:56so
9:56you know what a gifted kid will do is
9:58they'll like look at their peers right
9:59and they'll say like oh like this person
10:01did this and they're able to accomplish
10:02this so like i should be able to do that
10:04too and so if you look at your neighbors
10:06who are building a shack and they're
10:07like whoa they went to home depot and
10:09they got like 100 pounds of wood and
10:11they built their shack over a weekend
10:13and then like you go and get your 100
10:15pounds of wood from home depot and you
10:16start like brought to you by home depot
10:19i suppose um and you start building your
10:21mansion like i know it sounds kind of
10:23weird but you know 100 pounds of wood
10:25may be enough to build a shack but it's
10:26nowhere near enough to build a mansion
10:28and then what gifted kids will do is
10:30they'll look at like the foundation that
10:31they've laid with a hundred pounds of
10:32wood and they'll be like where's the i
10:34don't even have a shack like you know
10:36it's it's like they look at what they've
10:38accomplished when they put in the same
10:39amount of energy as someone else and
10:41they get really confused because this
10:42person has a complete shack over here
10:44and like i have like barely the
10:46beginnings of a mansion and so then that
10:48sort of negatively impacts them they
10:50start to like feel like they're actually
10:52inferior to these other people because
10:53they've been told oh you're smarter than
10:55the kid next door like why the hell is
10:56the kid next door getting into college
10:58and like you're not even getting into
10:59college and so it all sort of sort of
11:01sort of compounds right because even for
11:03the gifted kid they're not trying to
11:05build a shack because they've been told
11:06they've been they're gifted their entire
11:07life so it's not enough to be average if
11:10you're gifted so what you have to do is
11:12you try to you know build a mansion
11:13because that's what you've been
11:15told that you're capable of that's the
11:17expectation you set for yourself and
11:19then you're you're left kind of
11:20scratching your head and wondering like
11:22why you don't even have a shack yet even
11:24though you studied for a month and they
11:26studied for a month you're not getting
11:27as much as that they're getting
11:30and it's kind of super bizarre right
11:31because we don't we just don't think
11:32about it that way we think that if
11:34you're gifted that means that everything
11:35should be easier for you that it not
11:37only they may need a hundred pounds of
11:39wood to build a shack but you should be
11:41able to build a shack and 50 pounds of
11:42wood it should be easier for you but it
11:45turns out paradoxically being harder
11:47and then we sort of end up with kind of
11:49the final state of a gifted kid which if
11:51we kind of think about it internally is
11:53a state of like really shame and low
11:55self-esteem so all this stuff kind of
11:57compounds right like you're told you're
11:59smart so you set this expectation of
12:01what you're capable of like way up here
12:03and then like you know first grade goes
12:05by and you're up here second grade goes
12:07by and you're up here third grade goes
12:08by and you're up here boom boom boom
12:10fourth grade fifth grade sixth grade
12:1210th grade 11th grade and then you kind
12:14of tank right and as you go to college
12:17suddenly like you don't have the study
12:18skills involved and now in the gap
12:20between what you're capable of and what
12:23you actually accomplish this gap is
12:26where shame comes from this is the shame
12:28gap that gifted kids inevitably fall
12:30into
12:31which is when they fall short of what
12:32their expectations are and this could be
12:35once again
12:36due to the fact that you're you know
12:38you're setting out to build a mansion
12:40and you ended up not even building a
12:42shack right so all of these
12:44discrepancies between your expectations
12:46and your accomplishments
12:48in that gap and the bigger the gap is
12:50the more it's filled with shame
12:52so then what happens is kids are ashamed
12:54right because they should be doing more
12:56they should be doing better
12:58and then like the shame then further
13:00compounds and makes it hard to find
13:02motivation and this is where you kind of
13:03get burnout so then like you have these
13:05gifted kids and you're like hey man just
13:06like go to a community college you don't
13:08have to go to an ivy league school
13:09school you don't have to go to like
13:10harvard or stanford or mit just like go
13:12to your local community college and in
13:14that comes a bunch of shame because
13:16you've been told your entire life that
13:18you're better than that right
13:20and so you start to develop this ego
13:22of being a super smart kid and then this
13:25leads to avoidance of things because all
13:27you're left with is the identity of a
13:29smart kid so you can never even bring
13:31yourself to go to community college
13:32because smart kids don't go to community
13:35college in your mind that's where the
13:37stupid kids go and if you go to
13:39community college then suddenly you've
13:40lived your entire life for 20 years
13:42being told you're a smart kid it's the
13:44only that's your biggest strength it's
13:45the one that everyone keeps talking
13:46about and now like suddenly you have to
13:48relegate yourself to being a stupid kid
13:51and in that gap is where the shame lives
13:53in that gap is where the ego lives okay
13:57so it's really really hard right because
13:59you're set up with these expectations
14:01people don't really acknowledge that
14:03because you're capable of a lot it's
14:05actually going to take like a lot of
14:07work to take that potential and bring it
14:09to fruition
14:11right and that's like that's the biggest
14:12thing is people just lose sight of the
14:14fact that building a mansion actually
14:16takes more work than building a shack
14:18and your entire life people have told
14:20you like you should build this mansion
14:21because that's what you're capable of
14:24and so then we kind of get to all right
14:26so like what do we do about it right so
14:27if you're a gifted kid who's kind of
14:28perfectionistic and burnt out and like
14:30society has sort of set you up this way
14:32i'm not saying that you're not
14:33individually responsible as well but i
14:35do think that there's a whole reason so
14:37when we have like a generation of burnt
14:40out gifted kids i think we have to be
14:42fair and be a little bit scientific and
14:44kind of acknowledge that this may not be
14:46like an individual problem right we've
14:48got a generation of kids like this like
14:50maybe there's something societal going
14:52on and i think paradoxically we sort of
14:54set these kids up to
14:56struggle and so then the question
14:59becomes okay like what do we do about it
15:01so the first thing you should do if
15:02you're a gifted kid is to stop
15:04comparison right like comparison is is
15:07the foundation of getting out of this
15:09problem
15:10because as long as you are comparing
15:11yourself and this is part of the issue
15:13is that if you think about the word
15:15gifted
15:16what does the word gifted imply it is a
15:18word that has no meaning
15:20outside of a comparative framework you
15:23guys get that the only way you can be
15:25gifted is if there are other people who
15:27are not gifted
15:28and so essentially what happens is like
15:30the whole idea of a gifted kid only
15:33exists in relationship to another kid
15:36and so what we find in the minds of
15:38gifted kids is that they're comparing
15:40themselves all the time oh i don't want
15:42to go to community college that's where
15:43the stupid people go oh i don't know
15:45like why i can't do what my friend is
15:47capable of like he's able to do so much
15:49why am i not able to do so much i have
15:51an older sibling who did fantastic
15:53and now i have big shoes to fill right
15:56there's so much comparison all of the
15:58expectations that gifted kids have don't
16:01come from themselves
16:02right because if you actually based your
16:04expectations on what you're capable of
16:06you'd be capable of a b c d or an f
16:10that's what that would be a realistic
16:12expectation but instead you create these
16:14artificial expectations that are based
16:16on comparison and why do gifted kids do
16:18that because it starts with their
16:19parents it starts with their teachers
16:21we're all told that we're gifted which
16:23is by definition a comparison to all of
16:26the other kids
16:27and so then what happens is you're
16:28looking over at the shack and you've got
16:30this blueprint for a mansion and they
16:32give you some wood and then you try to
16:34build the mansion and like you don't
16:35even have a roof when this person has a
16:37completely built shack and then you kind
16:39of look at yourself well like man i must
16:40be like a super idiot right like and
16:42it's just it's so bizarre that when we
16:44set up this kind of when we start with
16:46this framework of a comparison
16:48we sort of doom ourselves to failure
16:50because there's like we're just
16:52it's just it's never going to work
16:53because you can't ever
16:55base the expectations of your life and
16:58what you're capable of based on what
16:59someone else is doing
17:01right if someone else is happy studying
17:03chemical engineering it doesn't mean
17:05that you're going to be happy studying
17:06chemical engineering if somebody else is
17:09happy dating someone of the opposite sex
17:10it doesn't mean that you're going to be
17:11happy dating someone of the opposite sex
17:14the whole point is as individuals as
17:16humans we're individuals and if you're a
17:18gifted kid the first thing you've got to
17:19do is let go of all comparison
17:23so next thing is to
17:25recognize that your road is going to be
17:28a rough one right so like when someone
17:29sets out to build a mansion they know in
17:32their mind that like this is gonna take
17:34a while right
17:35you can't expect to build a mansion in
17:38the same amount of time it would take
17:39someone to build a shack
17:41and so if you're a gifted kid and you
17:43expect a lot from yourself
17:45okay
17:46recognize that this is going to be a
17:48long road and the greater your potential
17:50is the longer it's going to take for you
17:52to get there and this is something that
17:54i can understand in hindsight like so i
17:56grew up as a gifted kid and was like in
17:59you know the special classes or whatever
18:01i actually still remember when i was in
18:03eighth grade my grades started to dip
18:05and when i went to high school
18:08um i didn't qualify for based on my
18:11grades like my high school was like yeah
18:13he needs to be in like regular english
18:15he can't be in like advanced english or
18:16he doesn't meet the criteria for
18:17advanced english and so my parents were
18:19really really not happy with that
18:21because they have they have such a smart
18:22boy you know he's so smart he just needs
18:25to apply himself so they went to the
18:26school and i remember having a meeting
18:27with the the honors english teacher or
18:30whatever and then he's like do you want
18:31to be in this class and i was like yeah
18:32i want to be in the class and my parents
18:33were like yeah he should be he belongs
18:35he belongs in the class
18:37right and so the teacher was like okay
18:38fine because you know
18:40i mean you're not gonna you know there
18:42are some parents that could potentially
18:43be annoying so you're like whatever
18:45and so i ended up being in the class
18:46that i really didn't belong and i really
18:48didn't do very well
18:49right because i didn't have the work
18:50ethic but it propagates sort of this
18:53idea of like you can handle it
18:56so like i started off you know going on
18:58the wrong track kind of like in in high
19:00school it took me
19:02i took me five years to graduate from
19:04college right with a 2.5 gpa
19:07took me another three or four years to
19:09even get into medical school
19:11and so like my road has been long
19:14and like that's just sometimes what it
19:16takes if you're a gifted kid right you
19:18take the scenic route in life so
19:20oftentimes people would ask me you know
19:22like
19:23about stuff
19:24when i remember when i was going to when
19:26i started medical school and i saw
19:27friends of mine right who were who i was
19:29in high school with they're already
19:30fully trained doctors and you know
19:32flying around and all that good stuff
19:34and i'm just like starting medical
19:35school and i was like yeah i took the
19:36scenic route in life and so recognize
19:39that if you're a gifted kid like it's a
19:40long road like you're not going to do
19:42things faster you're not going to build
19:44a mansion
19:45as fast as someone else is going to
19:47build a shack the other thing to
19:48recognize about it being a long road if
19:50you're a gifted kid is don't expect to
19:53see the form of your mansion for a long
19:56time
19:57when other people have built their
19:59shacks you will still just have the
20:01foundation of the mansion it's not going
20:03to have a roof for a long time it's not
20:04going to have windows for a long time so
20:06this is the other problem that gifted
20:07kids run into
20:08is as they put in an equal amount of
20:11effort compared to their colleagues they
20:13actually see less return on their
20:15investment and that in turn shatters
20:18their motivation and what makes them
20:20want to give up
20:21right because i'm putting in all this
20:22effort i'm still not seeing anything yet
20:24so it's a long road be patient with
20:26yourself and try your best not to
20:28compare to other people
20:30the last thing to kind of consider is
20:32that is the shame so gifted kids
20:34oftentimes struggle a lot with
20:35self-esteem and shame and that once
20:37again is because their expectations are
20:39up here and their performance is down
20:41here right
20:42and so in that gap is where your shame
20:45is going to live
20:46and so as long as there is a gap in what
20:48you expect from yourself
20:50with what you accomplish
20:52you will have shame and the solution to
20:55that oddly enough is one of two ways
20:57right
20:57one is you can actually
20:59live up to the expectations that you
21:01have right so you can actually shoot up
21:03here and land up here so you can go to
21:05an ivy league school or whatever right
21:07you can go you can start
21:09you can do a tech startup or whatever
21:11like you can like
21:12do everything that everyone has always
21:14known you're capable of doing so you can
21:16actually hit all of those metrics that's
21:18one option then the shame will go away
21:20or what you can do is let go of your
21:22expectations
21:23and bring yourself down here because the
21:25shame exists in the gap so even if you
21:28accept yourself as being like sort of a
21:30failure oddly enough the shame will go
21:33away and as you accept yourself as you
21:36are which is not wasted potential but
21:39like in the present like you are
21:41everything that you're capable of
21:42everything that you've ever been capable
21:44of is exactly what you've achieved and
21:46once you sort of take that attitude
21:48bring your expectations down to here you
21:50will be amazed at like what happens to
21:52your motivation and what you are truly
21:54capable of
21:55but you can't achieve it as long as
21:57there is that shame gap right like in
22:00terms of performance
22:03so questions
22:06anyway so let me just kind of summarize
22:08so i think that like
22:10you know we see this a lot where a lot
22:12of people are gifted
22:13and we think of that as an advantage but
22:15like i was saying earlier
22:17i think that
22:18you know sometimes being gifted comes
22:21with its own set of needs
22:24and by properly addressing those needs
22:26we can avoid some of these things like
22:27gifted kids you know feeling ashamed of
22:29themselves gifted kids
22:32you know not like comparing themselves
22:34to like all the other normal kids and
22:36and finding themselves lacking
22:38um and also that we have to kind of
22:40acknowledge that our school system is
22:42sort of set up in a particular way that
22:44oftentimes causes gifted kids to stumble
22:47and through understanding like how a
22:49gifted kid you know a child who is
22:51gifted becomes an adult who's
22:53perfectionistic and burnt out
22:55we have to understand that whole life
22:57cycle in order to sort of
22:59start taking steps to change it
23:04um
23:09okay so i'm sure you've been asked this
23:11question before and have answered before
23:12so feel free to tell me where i can
23:14finally answer this question how are you
23:16able to get accepted to harvard medical
23:17school let alone medical school alone
23:19with such a low gpa when that is such a
23:21critical deciding factor
23:23how did i stand out so that's a great
23:25question so the short answer is so i i
23:27did some amount of graduate education so
23:29i did a master's degree to boost my gpa
23:32the second thing that i did i didn't go
23:33to harvard for medical school i went to
23:36tufts for medical school and then i did
23:38my psychiatry training at harvard at
23:40mass general mclean hospital
23:42and so the short answer of like how i
23:44wound up there is like one step at a
23:46time
23:47so you have to do you know in each of
23:49those things involved like
23:53a reality check or some degree of
23:55humility in terms of like thinking like
23:57i actually don't belong at harvard like
24:00i'm never going to wind up there i had
24:01to accept that right let alone get into
24:03medical school
24:04and the more that i accepted like i i
24:06did a lot of things that were you know
24:10humbling to say the least i wouldn't
24:12quite say undignified but i had to
24:14really let go of a lot of ego and like
24:16take one step at a time it also took
24:17perseverance i mean i applied to 120
24:19medical schools before i got into a
24:21single one and that was the break that i
24:23needed
24:24and then like understanding having all
24:26that failure behind me i really
24:28worked hard in medical school
24:31and really tried to excel
24:33and then i actually did an away rotation
24:35for those of you don't know what that is
24:37or for those of you do know what that is
24:39so i basically did an audition rotation
24:41at harvard which is like super
24:42competitive you show up there with a
24:44bunch of other people who want to go
24:45there and it's basically like a test
24:47it's like a month-long test of what
24:49you're capable of and i did really well
24:52so thankfully i had set up you know a
24:53lot of good stuff over the last
24:56eight years
24:57in terms of being myself and like owning
24:59the person that i was and not being
25:01ashamed of the fact that i failed
25:02and you know recognizing that most of
25:04the students most of the other students
25:06who were auditioning
25:08um were four years younger than i was
25:10that i was actually older than some of
25:11the residents there
25:13despite the fact that like they were
25:14evaluating me right so like there's
25:16someone two years younger who's like
25:18giving me a grade
25:20so navigating all that stuff was
25:21difficult but i did a good job at it and
25:23stayed focused and that's how i wound up
25:25at harvard so i trained there for four
25:27years and that's where i'm faculty now
25:33right but it's all about like letting go
25:35of the ego
25:45um how do you lower expectations
25:49uh you lower expectations by accepting
25:52what you're capable of
25:54like actually and so expectation and and
25:57acceptance are at opposite ends of the
25:59spectrum
26:00okay so
26:01practicing acceptance
26:03is
26:05how you lower expectations
26:07so let me give you guys an example so
26:09the theme today is
26:11right so like let me think about a nyani
26:13yoga exercise to let go of expectations
26:16um
26:21let me just think about this for a
26:22second
26:29so here's a good example of a nyani yoga
26:31exercise actually i don't know if this
26:32is a good example
26:34this is one of the ones that i feel less
26:35confident this is maybe a bad example of
26:37a yoga exercise
26:39so for the next
26:41month or two months
26:42when you go to a restaurant
26:47and someone asks you what you want to
26:49want what you want to order just tell
26:50the waiter to surprise you
26:54just tell them surprise me
26:56and then pay attention
26:58to your enjoyment or lack of enjoyment
27:01of the food
27:04right so when we go to restaurants
27:06we have expectations and if we think
27:09about the least
27:10the worst experience that you can have
27:12at a restaurant is not actually to have
27:14bad food
27:15it's to expect really good food and get
27:18bad food that's actually worse than
27:19getting bad food if you know a
27:20restaurant is crap and you go there and
27:22you order something the food that you
27:23get is crap like what were you expecting
27:25it's totally fine actually right we do
27:27that every day like if you go to a fast
27:28food like mcdonald's or taco bell or
27:30whatever like you're not expecting you
27:32know like a gourmet meal you're just
27:34expecting some like mediocre arguably
27:36incredibly tasty
27:38depending on whether you're getting a
27:39mexican pizza or not
27:40which you can't get anymore because
27:42they're out of
27:43sad
27:44but
27:45so like a lot of if you guys want to
27:46really understand so this is the way
27:48that nyanio works if you really want to
27:50understand expectation and acceptance
27:53you have to put yourself in situations
27:55that are like free from expectation
27:58and you can't put yourself in a
27:59situation because the expectation
28:01doesn't come from the situation right
28:04it's even that's
28:06even what i said was kind of wrong
28:07you have to practice
28:10messing with your expectations so go to
28:11restaurant just say surprise me
28:14or you can ask if they don't know like
28:15if they're taking it back you can say
28:16what's good here okay i'll take that
28:19right if you've got dietary restrictions
28:20tell them about the dietary restrictions
28:23and just like and then you're like but
28:25what if i don't like the food that i get
28:27well yeah i mean that's the point right
28:29so like just eat what you get and see
28:31what happens
28:33and they're like but i don't like it and
28:34it's like yes so like pay attention to
28:36that and be like how hard is it for you
28:38to order food that you're not gonna like
28:40or you order without expectations what's
28:42it like to go to a restaurant and accept
28:45that you're going to just get some
28:46random pile of food that could be
28:48amazing and could be something that you
28:49really dislike
28:51that's how you gain acceptance that's
28:53how you let go of expectations by
28:55literally going to a restaurant and like
28:57actively letting them go
28:58that is the nyani yog
29:00and then you may discover all kinds of
29:02cool things right you may even discover
29:03for example that if you go to the
29:06restaurant and you expect
29:08crap if you're like this is going to be
29:10an absolute train wreck i'm gonna have
29:12to go home and like have a bowl of
29:14cereal after the meal
29:17it'll be really interesting
29:20how much you enjoy your meal it'll be
29:22really interesting because in that
29:23moment what you're doing is letting go
29:25of the expectation
29:27right and then like suddenly even if you
29:29get crap it's not a big deal and if you
29:31get something delicious it's like such a
29:33huge win and that's what it means to let
29:35go of expectation the more you let go of
29:38expectation the more you start to enjoy
29:39life and the better life gets
29:41it's kind of bizarre
29:43so literally if you guys wanted nyani
29:44yoga practice to let go of expectations
29:47and earn acceptance and you can't just
29:48do this once right so you can't like
29:51wuss out of it
29:52you have to do it for a month
29:55presuming you're going to go out to eat
29:56you know and you can afford that and all
29:58that good stuff
29:59otherwise like make it three months
30:01like
30:02you know do it for a while like commit
30:04yourself this is my life now gg get
30:06wrecked noobs
30:09so
30:15try it you guys want to learn nyan yog
30:17try it
30:23okay someone else is asking how should a
30:24parent teacher or manager support the
30:26special needs of gifted people if what's
30:29happening now is bad that's a great
30:31question so i'll give you an example
30:34so sometimes i get parents that come
30:35into my office
30:38they have a kid who's addicted to video
30:39games why is a kid addicted to video
30:41games really simple
30:44because video games match the pace of
30:46the child right that's why that's why
30:47gifted kids in a nutshell the reason
30:49that gifted kids get addicted to video
30:51games is one very very very simple
30:53reason can all be reduced to this
30:55games match the pace of the child and
30:57school doesn't
30:58so you've got a kid goes to school gets
31:01a worksheet does the worksheet i still
31:03remember i i had this experience i
31:04skipped the first grade so this is what
31:06happened
31:08i went to a school
31:10where you know i'd do a worksheet and
31:11then like they'd give me another one and
31:13so in in my first day of first grade i
31:15moved schools i i gave them you know i
31:18got a worksheet i did the worksheet i
31:19gave it back to them and i said can i
31:21have the next one and she's like what do
31:23you mean the next one it's like the next
31:24one like whatever's next like i'm done
31:26with this we've got class for another 45
31:28minutes i'm done with this can i have
31:29the next one she's like there is no next
31:31one i'm like what
31:33and it didn't take long where like you
31:35know she gave me the then she evaluated
31:37me and i got moved up a grade but same
31:38problem there
31:40and then eventually like what heck is
31:41like school moves at the pace of like
31:42the slowest person now here's the really
31:45addictive thing about a video game now
31:46imagine you're just bored at school
31:48because it's moving at a snail's pace
31:50right because there's like other
31:51six-year-olds and like you're a
31:52six-year-old two and maybe you're a
31:53little smarter than the other
31:54six-year-olds now enter a video game
31:57what happens when you don't beat level
31:59one
32:00you replay level one and what happens
32:02when you beat level one you go straight
32:04to level two and if you beat level two
32:06you go straight to level three you beat
32:07level three you go straight to level
32:09four
32:10so games perfectly match
32:12the challenge
32:14that a human being is capable of right
32:17if you get stuck on a boss in dark souls
32:19like
32:19you don't get to move past the boss
32:22because your parents make a phone call
32:24to from software and they're like hey my
32:26son is really good at video games can
32:27you please advance him past this boss
32:29and stick him to the next boss it's like
32:31you can't do that in dark souls like
32:33dark souls doesn't give a
32:35right
32:36so like kids get addicted to video games
32:39because they perfectly match what you're
32:42capable of which is exactly what kids
32:44like there's this whole thing called
32:45intent to mastery we teach all this
32:47stuff to parents and things like that
32:50so what do you do if you've got a kid
32:51who's gifted you challenge them and you
32:53don't rely on school to do it for you so
32:56when parents come to me and they're like
32:58i have a kid who's addicted to video
32:59games he's 16. he thinks school is i ask
33:01him okay what do you think about schools
33:03like school is boring
33:04then what i do is i you know i make a
33:06couple of phone calls and i'm like we're
33:07gonna like you so we were i was back
33:09when i was in boston a lot of cool
33:11startups in boston so what i'll do is
33:12we'll make some phone calls we'll stick
33:14them in an internship somewhere like
33:15we'll take some college-level internship
33:17it's some kind of startup so like we'll
33:19look around at like incubators from like
33:21mit or whatever like harvard will be
33:23like hey like there's a kid do you guys
33:26have any internship opportunities
33:27available and we'll stick him there and
33:29he'll like be he'll work there for the
33:30summer and it like turns the kid right
33:32around no more video games because he's
33:34actually like learning so i stuck one
33:36kid in this startup that was
33:38that there's an app you take a picture
33:41of a mole on your body and it tells you
33:42the percentage chance that the mole is
33:44cancerous
33:45right so we stick the kid there we're
33:47like go help them
33:49and then like sometimes the kid is like
33:51what am i supposed to do like you start
33:52by getting them coffee
33:54and then maybe you'll learn something
33:56and then it's it's actually fantastic
33:58like they do they do really well you
33:59challenge them right and because the
34:00cool thing is that a lot of the startup
34:02folks they sort of recognize because
34:03some of them are like misfits too so
34:06they're like okay there's like a kid
34:07here like let's put them to work because
34:08they recognize that okay you're 16. so
34:10you know how to like manage sql data
34:12databases and the kid is like no they're
34:14like
34:15google it
34:16and learn and then you're going to
34:18manage our sql database next week
34:20and the kid is like what and like yeah
34:22and then suddenly the kid is like goes
34:23home he's not playing video games he's
34:24like reading about sql databases
34:27or whatever
34:28right just just stick them stick them
34:30into it and challenge them
34:32so as a parent you know or a teacher
34:34like i'd say like ask them so here's the
34:36biggest mistake that parents and
34:37teachers make with gifted children
34:40is that you
34:41when when a gifted child fails what we
34:44tend to do is slow down instead what you
34:46need to do is speed up it's absolutely
34:48terrifying so if a gifted child is
34:50failing what they need more than
34:52anything else is a bigger challenge not
34:54like an easier environment now you have
34:56to make sure for a couple of other
34:57things like you need to make sure
34:58there's not adhd going on depression
35:00going on learning disabilities or other
35:03things like that going on but in the
35:05absence of all of those things challenge
35:07them more not less
35:09ask them to do more give them put them
35:10in positions of leadership
35:12right
35:13and just push them
35:15because like it's so fulfilling when
35:17when you're a take a kid in that
35:19situation and you're like
35:21you're gonna need to do this thing and
35:22they're like i can't do that thing and
35:24you're like okay so then fail
35:25but try if you fail like no big deal but
35:28i'm not gonna i'm not gonna expect less
35:30of you i know it's kind of paradoxical
35:31because we just talked about letting go
35:32of expectation
35:34but it's not really expectations it's
35:36really having faith in them it's a
35:37subtle difference but be like i have
35:39faith in you i think you can handle it
35:41so like give it your best shot
35:45that's what you do you challenge them
35:47respect them
35:49is instead of expect things from them
36:02you

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