why do you hate being gay? — Transcript

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1. 0:00Are you gay? Does your mom know that you're  gay? Just as I suspected. I've seen all the
2. 0:06missed calls. I know it's been forever since I  called you last. Okay, but I was somewhere with
3. 0:11no service. Hell, my really close friend and I  had a falling out. He hates me. The last four
4. 0:17guys I talked to all hate me. I'm starting to see  a pattern here. I'm 25 now. I'm halfway to 50. I'm
5. 0:24halfway to becoming a bear. That's probably  more like 5 years. It seems like no matter
6. 0:29how much work I do to repair the internal  damages inside of my body from being gay,
7. 0:35this sounds like I'm just a gutless bottom. The  psychological damages and tribulations that have
8. 0:41been thrust upon me. Okay. What I'm trying to say  is I believe that I have hit all three points of
9. 0:47being gay. Okay? There's the part where you start  with the internalized homophobia. You hate it and
10. 0:53then there's the acceptance and then it comes back  around where you're like externally homophobic.
11. 1:00Wait a second. What I mean by that is that you  have come full circle so that now instead of
12. 1:06actually being like gay, you're more just like oh  gay people. Like you see gay couple kiss on TV and
13. 1:13you're like get the queer off the screen. I'm not  watching that. But it more just comes from a place
14. 1:19of jealousy because no man wants to kiss you.  I think this is just my own issue. Part of the
15. 1:27reason I was gone for so long was because there's  genuinely nothing happening in my life. Okay, both
16. 1:32sides are sealed over at this point. It's been so  long. I broke up with my boyfriend in January and
17. 1:38then until like April there was nothing. There was  nothing. I was like knocking on everyone's door
18. 1:44saying please [ __ ] me. But no one answered. Do I  still live in a town of 900 people? Yes, I do. Is
19. 1:51there still only one gay person being me in this  town? Yes, there is. Until April. I'm just going
20. 1:58to preface this by saying I'm not going to go hook  up with someone just so later I can call you guys
21. 2:02and tell you about it, okay? I'm not just going  to throw my body around. I would do that. It's
22. 2:08just that no one wants to. Genuinely, nobody. But  in April, I was on Grindr. And as you guys know,
23. 2:17Grinder is sort of my arch nemesis, but in a sort  of playful fact, in a way that I hope it's enemies
24. 2:23to lovers. Mostly just because around here, it's  only 60-year-old truckers and DL people. And I
25. 2:32know I said that I would stop hooking up with DL  people, but I just can't. I was on Grinder and saw
26. 2:40a new profile. Keep in mind that in 100 kilometers  of me, which is I don't know how many miles, there
27. 2:47are two accounts, one of them is me. Okay, so I  know when there's a new account. I messaged them.
28. 2:52I said, "Hey, hi." We started chatting for a bit  and the person said that they from one town over.
29. 2:56This person's 30 years old and one town over. I  was like, "Oh my god, this is my best friend's
30. 3:02baby daddy." So, of course, I said, "Let me see  your wiener." I'm joking. I didn't say that. But
31. 3:07he did send it anyways, and it was a nice piece.  Okay, it's been a while since I've talked to you
32. 3:14guys about this sort of thing. I know what you're  saying, Zach. Great. Another DL person. You just
33. 3:18can't keep your hands off them. You slimy little  bastard. But when I tell you this man was my type,
34. 3:26okay, beard, big, boom, that's my type. Keep in  mind, I was in a dry spell, okay? months, months
35. 3:36of just scratching and scratching and hoping for  a little crumb of a man to nibble on. So when I
36. 3:44saw this picture and I saw what this man looked  like, he was my type. I said, "No, no, no, no,
37. 3:52no." I thought we were having a nice day. So you  know that I couldn't resist for I am just a man, a
38. 4:01man with simple needs. So, let's just say this man  picked me up in his big truck at the gas station,
39. 4:06okay? And when I got in his truck, we were  talking and stuff. We didn't get fully freaky,
40. 4:11okay? We just diddled. Something quite particular  happened that has never happened to me before
41. 4:16whilst we were diddling our dongs. And that  is that he kept saying, "Fuck, I'm gay. Oh,
42. 4:24[ __ ] I'm gay." He kept saying that. And I  said, "Well, yes. Well, yes, because we are,
43. 4:31in fact, two men diddling our dongs. So, if 1 plus  1 equals two, we're gay. Let's just say emotions
44. 4:38were heightened, okay? We were in it. We were  making out all this stuff, okay? And he said,
45. 4:42he whispered in my ear and he said, "Tell me how  gay I am." And you know, this might be too far,
46. 4:48but I have a gay friend, so I can say this word. I  said, "You're a [ __ ] fag." Let's just say I was
47. 4:55nervous cuz I was taking quite a risk in saying  that, but it was wellreceived because I felt
48. 5:00something poke my back. I said, "Wow." It was in  fact his dong. So, we just made out for a bit and
49. 5:06diddled and that was it. See you. But the story  doesn't stop there. Not only was this man DL, but
50. 5:14he was also 30. Okay, no hate to 30-year-olds. I'm  almost 30. The thing about being DL and 30 is that
51. 5:21that's quite a bit of time to think about just how  gay you are. He drowned. Does that make sense? I
52. 5:26know what it was like to struggle with that sort  of stuff at half his age. So, I could only imagine
53. 5:31the darkness looming inside of his mind. Okay.  Because I tried to make small talk with him. I was
54. 5:37like, "So, hey, where do you work? Like, where do  you do all this stuff?" He said, "Nothing. I don't
55. 5:41do anything. I don't have a name. You don't know  me." It's not like I need to know his whole life
56. 5:46story and stuff, but I'm just like, "Hey, could we  at least know something about each other before we
57. 5:51dingle our dongs together?" So, I say, "What's  your favorite color?" Again, nothing. So, I'm
58. 5:59left thinking he's color blind. I don't know if  it's because I'm stupid or I'm a quarter Italian,
59. 6:05but for the last like two years or so, I don't  like to get freaky without knowing the person that
60. 6:12I'm getting freaky with. You know what I mean?  Like more power to you if you can just leave the
61. 6:16door open. Whoever comes in comes in. Okay, that's  just not my tea. I say for the last two years,
62. 6:20but it's more like the entire time that I've  been a practicing gay man. Okay, if I want to
63. 6:25get freaky and you don't even want to tell me your  name, I can just get freaky by myself because at
64. 6:31that point, it is the same thing. I'm getting  a hot flash. Sorry about the outfit change. I
65. 6:36did in fact sweat my balls off. But the DL guy  served as the 10,000th stark reminder that those
66. 6:42situations just don't serve me anymore. Okay, I  don't know how many times I have to be reminded.
67. 6:48The thing is, will there be more reminders in the  future? Yes, absolutely. Because the D is fire.
68. 6:59A gay demon just tried to escape my body. Yet,  we are still left with the unanswered question.
69. 7:03Why do you hate being gay? And when I say you,  I kind of mean like all these [ __ ] The thing
70. 7:09about it is that I have a version of that answer.  Okay? There was a time where I hated that. I said,
71. 7:15"I don't want to be gay." I was 12 years old  on my knees praying, saying, "Please, God,
72. 7:22don't make me like kissing guys so much. Damn."  Clearly, that prayer was not answered. The thing
73. 7:29is, I have my own little answer that has been  dealt with. Okay, I moved past that. I said,
74. 7:32"Oh, whatever. [ __ ] you. Oh, [ __ ] you.  But everyone will have a different answer.
75. 7:40Okay. Different strokes for different folks. And  you and I, we're different. So with that DL men,
76. 7:47I would say that he's still at square  one. Maybe a little further of just the
77. 7:50internalized homophobia. Most DL men are there.  They haven't reached the, you know, I'm gay,
78. 7:56that's whatever. Some of them have. Some  of them say, hey, I'm okay with gay people,
79. 8:01but I'm not gay. Now, of course, with everything  I say, there are potholes, loopholes, buttholes.
80. 8:07There are just things about it that just doesn't  make any sense because you can be, you know,
81. 8:11externally homophobic and completely out and  accepting of your gayness. Okay? You know,
82. 8:17it's more of a vent diagram. Yeah. Which leads  us to the second victim of my love, some gay guy.
83. 8:27This is a man that again blah blah blah I met on  Grinder except he's openly gay. He's openly gay.
84. 8:34Not necessarily outwardly gay, but he's openly  gay. Again, just like the man before him. He is
85. 8:39from one town over about a 15-minute drive because  apparently I'm the only gay person in this damn
86. 8:45town. Jim, I know you're gay. Now, before we get  into the juicy gossip, this man brings me to the
87. 8:51second point in the ven diagram that makes no  sense that is also a triangle. And that is what
88. 8:57I'm calling homophobia disguised as preferences. I  ate something I've noticed and that I just wanted
89. 9:04to start a conversation about and talk about is  that on Grindr usually with openly gay people lots
90. 9:11of their profiles say mask or they say no femask  for mask only masculine don't be a queer. And I'm
91. 9:18starting to think guys I don't know if this is  a preference or you just don't like gay people.
92. 9:24What's wrong with being a little fruity? Now, of  course, it goes without saying, everyone can have
93. 9:30their preferences. I have my own. Okay, mine is  if Bigfoot gained 270 lb. That's my preference.
94. 9:38But I think where preferences become evil is  when you just completely cut out there's not
95. 9:43even a chance in hell that I would ever sleep with  a fruity man. as you are a gay man slobbering on
96. 9:52wieners. Some food for thought. That being said,  this could totally just be a me thing and that I
97. 9:58can't personally afford to cut anyone out of the  pasta. What am I saying? Now, this guy that I
98. 10:05saw on Grindr, his profile was blank and it just  said mask. His name was mask on Grinder. And me,
99. 10:10I don't necessarily know where I sit. I would  say I'm pretty in the gray area. I don't think
100. 10:15I'm necessarily masculine at all, but I don't  think I'm necessarily super feminine. Of course,
101. 10:22I am built like a woman. I was feeling pretty  courageous and I thought to myself, you know
102. 10:27what? If this is one of those guys that only likes  masculine guys, if he meets a completely in every
103. 10:33single way you can think of average man, it could  maybe break him out of that. What I'm doing is
104. 10:40the Lord's work. It's a tale as old as time. We  were talking on Grinder. Now, the conversation
105. 10:47is going great. We're having great little  banter. And then he asked me out of the blue,
106. 10:51completely unexpected to me. He says, "Hey, do  you want to meet up and go on a date?" I said,
107. 10:56"You don't just want to pick me up in your truck  and then get me to call you the f- word?" Now,
108. 11:01don't celebrate too early because the thing that  he asked me to do for the date was go golfing.
109. 11:10So, you may not know this about me, but I hate  golfing. I hate golfing. I don't like anything
110. 11:14that I'm not immediately good at. If I'm not good  at it, I don't want to do it. But I thought, hey,
111. 11:20this could be something special. I'm willing to  put my ego to the side and go golfing with this
112. 11:27hot guy. The thing about him, much like the guy  from months before, was that he had an air of
113. 11:32mystery about him, something I just couldn't quite  put my finger on. So, I thought golfing. Hey,
114. 11:39we're just hitting the golf. I said to him, you  know, I'm so bad at this. It's going to be really
115. 11:43embarrassing and you won't ever want to speak to  me again after seeing how bad I am. I said, hey,
116. 11:48I can just be your caddy. I don't even like to  talk about golf. I don't want to spend one more
117. 11:53second talking about golf than I already have. So,  I'm just going to fast forward through this and
118. 11:56say, we went golfing. I was really bad, but the  date was really fun. We were like, it broke the
119. 12:02ice because I was so bad at golfing, and we could  laugh about it. We found something to laugh about.
120. 12:06We found joy. I would swing and hit the ball and  it would make me go that far and I would get back
121. 12:12in the golf cart. He would get back in the card.  He'd touch my thigh. The tension, you could cut it
122. 12:17with a knife. In the end, it was probably the  most fun I've ever had actually playing golf.
123. 12:21Usually when I go golfing, it's with my friends  and I just hold on to the baby and watch the baby.
124. 12:25But this time, I actually had fun swinging and  hitting the golf ball. It's awesome. And did I
125. 12:30just enjoy it because I was golfing in the company  of a fellow game who would touch me? Absolutely.
126. 12:36Yes. After golfing, there was an energy of, "Hey,  let's keep these good vibes going." So, we got in
127. 12:42his car and we drove around. I toured him around  the town. I said, "Look at that building. Look at
128. 12:47that one." And then that was the whole tour. Now,  guys, if you know me, you know only about 5% of
129. 12:52the time I'm not going to give it up on the first  date. So, when he suggested, "Hey, let's go back
130. 12:57to my place. We can watch a movie on the iPad." I  said, "You know what? If there's an iPad involved,
131. 13:02I'm in." We got back to his place. We cuddled.  We kissed. I was like, "This is what being gay is
132. 13:08all about. Just kissing people. I love to kiss.  I go through hell kissing." Safe to say, there
133. 13:14was a lot of kissing and cuddling. Hey, maybe we  diddled. Maybe we diddled. But we didn't go full
134. 13:19freak, guys. This was the 95%. Because I was like,  "This could go somewhere. This could be something
135. 13:25special, you know?" And um I suggested I take  him out for lunch today and he ghosted me. So,
136. 13:37yep. You're all I have in this world.  Something you should know about me is
137. 13:42I don't care if you're just going to be a one  night stand or whatever. I'm just going to be
138. 13:46me. I'm not going to hold back and try and  be someone else. I'm just going to be me,
139. 13:50okay? I'm going to be annoying and mostly  just annoying. You know what? If me being
140. 13:56unapologetically me is going to make you hate  me, then I'm going to I'm going to cry. But guys,
141. 14:05I'm still holding out. There could still be  something there. Okay, maybe he's just busy. Maybe
142. 14:12maybe he hates me. Sometimes when I'm  feeling silly, I'll say, "Oh, Diva,
143. 14:16you better work." Like I'll say something  like that. And when I did that with him,
144. 14:20I could tell, let's just say he wasn't very  receptive. And that brings me back to my point.
145. 14:29I'm not saying this is necessarily the guy that  I went on a date with, but it did just remind
146. 14:33me that people do disguise their homophobia  as preferences. Okay? Just because someone's
147. 14:39super fe doesn't mean you should completely  cut them out. Just like I'm sure there's
148. 14:43people that don't like guys that are super  masculine. So, you'd probably hate me, I bet.
149. 14:54I know that it is a long and hard road to just  accept you for you and to just be yourself. But
150. 15:01guys, what I need you to understand is that  it's completely worth it. Even if you're like
151. 15:09me and being completely you turns everybody  off, it is completely worth it because you
152. 15:14know what you have maybe is a hand. And you  know what? My hand has never let me down.