"Why Do I Keep Missing My Goals?" — Transcript

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1. 0:00If you want to achieve a goal, you're
2. 0:02either going to have to accept boredom
3. 0:03or pain. And the bigger the goal, the
4. 0:06more of both you'll get. When I started
5. 0:08my gym, I actually lived with six other
6. 0:10people in one house. This is like off a
7. 0:13beach town. Think like sand everywhere,
8. 0:15people everywhere, dirty dishes
9. 0:17everywhere, not enough room in
10. 0:18refrigerator for food. Cooking was an
11. 0:21absolute mess. Almost all of them had
12. 0:23dogs. So, a couple had two dogs. Another
13. 0:25couple had one dog. Another guy had a
14. 0:27dog. Four different dogs in the house.
15. 0:29And they were like all marking
16. 0:31territory. It was horrendous. And I was
17. 0:34splitting one room with a guy. With a
18. 0:36bed like two beds. My bed was on the
19. 0:39floor and his bed was, you know,
20. 0:40elevated cuz he uh he could afford that
21. 0:42at the time. And I would sleep with a
22. 0:43fan on my face. I couldn't hear
23. 0:45anything. That was my secret like is the
24. 0:47fan like you there's like the window
25. 0:48over like that's all I could hear. The
26. 0:50thing is is like I was doing that when I
27. 0:52was making like 20 grand a month take
28. 0:53home. There's always tradeoffs. And the
29. 0:55tradeoff for me of living in that
30. 0:57condition was that I could invest in the
31. 0:59dream and build the business that I had
32. 1:01at the time. Now, I could look back cuz
33. 1:03I ended up losing everything, you know,
34. 1:04a few years later. You know, you get
35. 1:05this negative cycle of like all of that
36. 1:07suffering was for nothing. But it wasn't
37. 1:09for nothing because I learned all these
38. 1:10skills along the way. You also can't
39. 1:12operate from the perspective of like I
40. 1:14might lose it all in the future, which
41. 1:15means everything I do today is not worth
42. 1:17anything because like you're going to
43. 1:18lose 100% of everything the moment you
44. 1:20die.
45. 1:21So, trying to say that you might lose
46. 1:23something in the future is a reason not
47. 1:24to do something is ridiculous. You're
48. 1:25going to lose everything at some point.
49. 1:27You cannot wish for both strong
50. 1:29character and an easy life because the
51. 1:30price of one is the other. When I think
52. 1:33about pain, I think about what thing am
53. 1:35I paying for right now?
54. 1:37And is that thing something that I want?
55. 1:39And if so, it reframes the pain
56. 1:42as the price of the thing that I want.
57. 1:45This is super interesting. It's they've
58. 1:47done research on this where they have
59. 1:48somebody who like accepts like shocks.
60. 1:50They can like opt out at any point. If
61. 1:52you have the same man who's getting
62. 1:54shocked,
63. 1:55and then you tell that man in the other
64. 1:57room every shock he takes his family
65. 2:00doesn't have to take. His threshold of
66. 2:02pain like quadruples. This may seem like
67. 2:05some {quote} mindset, whatever.
68. 2:09But the thing is is like the bigger your
69. 2:10goals, the more pain you're going to
70. 2:12endure whether you want to or not. It's
71. 2:14the price. And if you can endure four
72. 2:16times more pain than someone else,
73. 2:19I don't actually think that it feels
74. 2:20four times more painful. I think it
75. 2:22feels the same level of pain, but you
76. 2:24have this padding that makes it feel
77. 2:26worth it. Give a man a purpose and the
78. 2:28ability to achieve it and he will crawl
79. 2:30over broken glass with a smile. That
80. 2:32broken glass, like how can you have a
81. 2:33smile during the pain? It's because of
82. 2:36what the pain itself represents. Now,
83. 2:38I'm going to get get a little bit into
84. 2:39behavior because I think it's it's
85. 2:41valuable. I talk a lot about reward and
86. 2:43punishment, but those are kind of more
87. 2:44colloquial terms. When it comes down to
88. 2:46behavior, it's actually reinforcers. A
89. 2:48reinforcer can be negative, meaning it
90. 2:51can be something that's aversive. So,
91. 2:53for example, if I know that every time I
92. 2:57hit my hand with a hammer, I'm going to
93. 2:58grow muscle, hitting my hand with a
94. 3:00hammer or taking the shock for my family
95. 3:03means something positive, which is that
96. 3:05I'm protecting my family, I'm helping my
97. 3:06country, I'm I'm doing something that I
98. 3:08deem meaningful. The pain itself can
99. 3:10become a positive reinforcer because you
100. 3:12know you're making progress towards the
101. 3:14thing you want. Now, you might think of
102. 3:16that and be like, well, I don't want to
103. 3:17have the pain. The thing is is that when
104. 3:19you're going through it, if you have
105. 3:20this frame, it isn't as painful. In a
106. 3:22lot of ways, it's like we are our own
107. 3:24sculpture that we are working on and as
108. 3:25we chisel away, we also get to reveal
109. 3:29the type of person that we want to
110. 3:30become, the traits and the behaviors and
111. 3:32the belief sets that go with the man or
112. 3:34woman that we're trying to trying to
113. 3:35grow into. And so I wrote this story, I
114. 3:38want to say a year ago, maybe two years
115. 3:39ago, that related this that I just want
116. 3:40to share with you.
117. 3:42So, imagine you're talking to the
118. 3:43creator of the universe about the person
119. 3:45that you want to become. And so you say,
120. 3:47you know, I want to be courageous. And
121. 3:48the creator replies, then I will give
122. 3:50you monsters that terrify you. That way
123. 3:53you can conquer them. And you say,
124. 3:54"Well, I want to be patient." And the
125. 3:56creator replies, "Then I will make you
126. 3:57work harder and longer, and nothing will
127. 3:59come easy to you. That way you can learn
128. 4:01to wait." Or like, "Okay, well, I want
129. 4:03to be wise."
130. 4:04And then the creator says, "Then I will
131. 4:06give you failures that will crush your
132. 4:07spirit. That way you can learn the value
133. 4:09of judgment." Then you say, "That sounds
134. 4:11like a hard life. Can you give me a good
135. 4:13life?" And the creator replies, "Just
136. 4:15like we measure the quality of a
137. 4:16blacksmith by the strength of his steel,
138. 4:18I measure you by what you are at the
139. 4:20end, not the fire and the hammer that it
140. 4:22took to make you. A good life isn't an
141. 4:24easy life. A good life makes you into a
142. 4:25good person, and that, my child, is a
143. 4:28hard life." It's about who we become
144. 4:30doing the work more than the outcome
145. 4:32from the work itself. And I love this,
146. 4:33and this is a reframing of Proverbs, but
147. 4:35the work works on you more than you work
148. 4:37on it. Like in all labor, there is
149. 4:38profit. Meaning, we always benefit from
150. 4:42work, even if the thing that we work on
151. 4:44gets destroyed, even if you went
152. 4:46bankrupt, even if you know, that
153. 4:47relationship didn't work out, even if
154. 4:49that partnership falls apart. The work
155. 4:51you did is eternal because it changes
156. 4:53you. For those of you don't know, who
157. 4:55are new to my channel, I lost everything
158. 4:575 years into my entrepreneurial journey.
159. 4:59And then I made a little bit more, and
160. 5:01then I lost it all again.
161. 5:03But the thing is is that I had this idea
162. 5:05that oh, I have to start from scratch
163. 5:07again.
164. 5:08But that's not true because you can only
165. 5:10start from scratch once. Every time
166. 5:12after that, you start with an
167. 5:13experience. A man with an experience is
168. 5:16never at the mercy of a man with an
169. 5:17opinion.
170. 5:18And you transition from the second to
171. 5:21the first
172. 5:22the moment you begin working.
173. 5:24Because you're no longer somebody who
174. 5:25has an opinion. And as soon as you know
175. 5:27what that truth is because you've been
176. 5:29there, and you've actually done it, and
177. 5:32you have the scars to show for it,
178. 5:35then their opinions matter significantly
179. 5:37less. I'll give you a different reframe
180. 5:39that I've had for redefining pain as it
181. 5:42relates to other people, which is you
182. 5:45You summarize
183. 5:46just about every hateful comment on the
184. 5:48internet into one thing. He lives his
185. 5:50life in a way that I would not prefer.
186. 5:54That's it.
187. 5:55Everything is he lives his life in a way
188. 5:57that I would not prefer.
189. 5:58To which I respond, yes.
190. 6:01I do live my life in a way that most
191. 6:02people would not prefer. And they live
192. 6:03their life in a way that I would not
193. 6:04prefer. And that is why it is their life
194. 6:07and they can live their life the way
195. 6:08that they want to live their life, the
196. 6:09way they prefer it, and I will live my
197. 6:11life the way that I prefer it. They cast
198. 6:13these stones at you as though it
199. 6:14matters. My dad told me this when he was
200. 6:17going through his divorce. He said he
201. 6:18went through this like divorce
202. 6:19conference and the the speaker on stage
203. 6:21said to somebody in the audience, he
204. 6:22said, "Hey, here's a ball." And he threw
205. 6:24it to him. And he said, "Okay, throw it
206. 6:25back to me." So, he caught the ball. He
207. 6:26said, "Now, I want you to imagine that
208. 6:28this ball is a steaming hot pile of
209. 6:33And he threw it to the person again. And
210. 6:34the person caught it. He said, "Why
211. 6:36would you catch it?" And so, the lesson
212. 6:38of that is just because someone hurls at
213. 6:40you doesn't mean you need to catch it.
214. 6:42You don't need to choose to participate.
215. 6:44And I thought that was a really
216. 6:45interesting frame. People can hurl
217. 6:47whatever they want. It doesn't mean that
218. 6:48they have justified a response or that
219. 6:50you need to accept it. And that little
220. 6:52reframe of, "Oh, I live my life in a way
221. 6:54that other people would not prefer."
222. 6:55Well, that makes sense. I'm not trying
223. 6:56to live the same life as them.
224. 6:59So, [laughter] of course. And then they
225. 7:00say, "He made trade-offs that I would
226. 7:02not make." And I say, "Of course.
227. 7:03Of course I did. Why is this Why is this
228. 7:06somehow an insult? When I was making
229. 7:07those trades in the earlier days, I
230. 7:09didn't know when I would be successful
231. 7:11or if I would be successful.
232. 7:14The only thing that I knew for sure was
233. 7:15that I wasn't going to stop.
234. 7:18And that was it. I know I can just not
235. 7:20stop. And that's something that I can
236. 7:22commit to. And that's controllable. I
237. 7:23think a lot of the big gift of hardship
238. 7:25is that it doesn't define you, it
239. 7:27reveals you. The benefit is that you get
240. 7:30to see who you really are. And you make
241. 7:32that decision yourself every day. I have
242. 7:34this perspective on loyalty, which is
243. 7:35that like you cannot say that you are
244. 7:37loyal until your loyalty is tested. You
245. 7:39cannot say you're patient until your
246. 7:40patience is tested. Otherwise, it's an
247. 7:43opinion, not an experience. You can't
248. 7:45say that you handle hardship
249. 7:48and that you are emotionally resilient
250. 7:49until you've had something to be
251. 7:50emotionally resilient about. The gift of
252. 7:53the hard time is to give you proof of
253. 7:55who you are so that the rest of your
254. 7:56life you get to know that you did that.
255. 7:58And you get to tell that story and
256. 8:00relive that story to yourself for the
257. 8:02rest of your life. And to me, that gives
258. 8:05the hardship memory dividends that pay
259. 8:08forever, until the day you die. I'll
260. 8:09tell you a story. So, I went to a school
261. 8:10in the SEC and, you know,
262. 8:13some of the SEC schools are renowned for
263. 8:15hazing and and and aggressive stuff. And
264. 8:16so, I I was, you know, going to join a
265. 8:18fraternity. And, you know, obviously
266. 8:20they uh they, you know, build up how
267. 8:22hard, you know, pledging is going to be
268. 8:23and all this stuff, right? And I called
269. 8:26my dad to to talk about it. And he just
270. 8:28said, "Remember there is nothing that
271. 8:30they can do to you that is harder than
272. 8:32what you've already been through." And
273. 8:34it was a great reframe because I
274. 8:36remember the times, you know, like when
275. 8:38you know, things would be quote hard
276. 8:40during that that season of pledging. And
277. 8:42I would just think about the things that
278. 8:43I had already survived, the things that
279. 8:45I had already been through at that
280. 8:47point. And it made what they believed to
281. 8:50be suffering appear childish. I was
282. 8:52like, "This is cute." But for the people
283. 8:54who were present in the moment rather
284. 8:55than being able to relive through their
285. 8:57memory dividends, using it as a shield
286. 8:59for my emotional affect in the moment
287. 9:02was like, "All right, I have these eight
288. 9:04weeks where I have to stay at here
289. 9:05before you apparently give me a stamp of
290. 9:07approval. Fine. Then I will do that. I
291. 9:10live my life in ways that you would not
292. 9:11prefer."
293. 9:12>> [laughter]
294. 9:13>> And that carried me a pretty long way.