Who Are You When No One Is Watching? — Transcript

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1. 0:00I'm not who you think I am I'm not who I
2. 0:02think I am I am who I think you think I
3. 0:05am complicated I know but bear with me
4. 0:09basically our self-identity is shaped
5. 0:11not by how we see ourselves nor how
6. 0:13others see us but by how we think they
7. 0:16see us this is why a simple compliment
8. 0:19can change your whole mood it's why
9. 0:21criticism especially from someone you
10. 0:22care about can hurt so deeply because
11. 0:25every word and every look is another
12. 0:27brushstroke on the canvas of Who You
13. 0:29Think You Are think about it you're not
14. 0:31just yourself you're countless versions
15. 0:33of it every single person who ever knew
16. 0:36you has a version of you that exists
17. 0:38only in their mind and none of them are
18. 0:40the same to your friends you might be
19. 0:43the funny one The Quiet One and the
20. 0:45serious one all at once depending on who
21. 0:47you're with to your parents you still
22. 0:49are the same kid who needs protecting
23. 0:52and to a stranger who just saw you at
24. 0:53the store you're nothing but a passing
25. 0:56blur we often don't realize just how
26. 0:58different these versions of ourselves
27. 1:00are until we're stuck in a room with two
28. 1:02people who know us in completely
29. 1:04different ways it's a strange feeling
30. 1:06when you're not sure which you to be and
31. 1:08all of a sudden you're hyper aware of
32. 1:10every word and every gesture until you
33. 1:12end up feeling off like an actor who's
34. 1:15forgotten their lines that's because
35. 1:18your sense of self is being pulled in
36. 1:19two different directions you try to
37. 1:22balance it but you can't not perfectly
38. 1:25because you're trying to match what you
39. 1:26think they think of you and that's
40. 1:28exhausting psychologist Charles kouy
41. 1:31called this the Looking Glass self
42. 1:34because in essence you're looking at
43. 1:35yourself through the reflections of
44. 1:37everyone else's perception of you it's
45. 1:39like living in a fun house of mirrors
46. 1:41and each one shows you a slightly
47. 1:42different version of who you are but
48. 1:44none of them are quite right some are
49. 1:46flattering some are warped and some
50. 1:48barely resemble you at all the people
51. 1:50around you are holding up these mirrors
52. 1:52and you're constantly shifting adjusting
53. 1:54trying to fit into each one and so we
54. 1:57create masks social masks you wear one
55. 2:00at work at home with friends with
56. 2:02strangers it's not pretending it's
57. 2:04survival car young called this the
58. 2:06Persona the face we present to the world
59. 2:09our attempt to keep up but while it
60. 2:11helps us fit in it can also trap us
61. 2:13because sometimes we get so used to
62. 2:15wearing a mask that we forget who's
63. 2:17underneath you laugh at jokes you don't
64. 2:19find funny you nod along when you don't
65. 2:22really care and it's only later you
66. 2:23wonder was that really me but even when
67. 2:27you're alone and you don't need a mask
68. 2:29anymore who are
69. 2:30you Alan Watts says trying to Define
70. 2:33yourself is like trying to bite your own
71. 2:35teeth because hate or love it you're not
72. 2:38fully you with nobody around to reflect
73. 2:39off of the person in your head is
74. 2:42probably not the same out loud even your
75. 2:45voice literally isn't the same to you as
76. 2:46it is to others that's why it almost
77. 2:48disappoints us hearing it from a phone
78. 2:50or a recorder in fact not liking the
79. 2:53sound of your own voice is so common
80. 2:55that there's a term for it voice
81. 2:58confrontation and it's because in your
82. 3:00head you hear your voice through
83. 3:01vibrations in your skull which makes it
84. 3:03sound deeper and richer what everyone
85. 3:06else hears is well different it's kind
86. 3:10of like looking in a mirror you probably
87. 3:12like your mirror reflection more than
88. 3:14photos of yourself and there's a reason
89. 3:16for that you're used to seeing a
90. 3:18reversed version of you the face you've
91. 3:20seen a thousand times brushing your
92. 3:22teeth or fixing your hair is called the
93. 3:24mere exposure effect basically the more
94. 3:27familiar something is the more we tend
95. 3:29to like it
96. 3:30so the you you know best it's just the
97. 3:33version you've gotten used to but it's
98. 3:34not the same version everyone else sees
99. 3:36and it's definitely not the only one
100. 3:38that exists heraclitus the Greek
101. 3:41philosopher said no man ever steps in
102. 3:44the same river twice for it's not the
103. 3:46same river and he's not the same man
104. 3:49you're always in flux in motion the you
105. 3:51that existed at the beginning of this
106. 3:53video is not quite the same as the you
107. 3:55watching this now and won't be at the
108. 3:57end of it every little thing shapes you
109. 4:00just a tiny bit everything is always
110. 4:02changing ever so slightly maybe too
111. 4:05little for you to notice but it's still
112. 4:07happening and yet We crave consistency
113. 4:11we want to be a solid defined character
114. 4:13in our own story but we're more like a
115. 4:15sketch that's constantly being erased
116. 4:17and redrawn the pencil never quite lifts
117. 4:20from the
118. 4:21page it's why looking back at old photos
119. 4:24or reading an old text feels so strange
120. 4:27you cringe not because your past self
121. 4:29was wrong wrong but because they're
122. 4:31practically a stranger that person made
123. 4:33choices you wouldn't make today said
124. 4:36things you wouldn't say believe things
125. 4:38you might not believe anymore in a way
126. 4:40they're gone and yet still a part of you
127. 4:44psychologists call this the end of
128. 4:46History illusion studies from Harvard
129. 4:49and the University of Virginia found
130. 4:50that while we recognize how much we've
131. 4:52changed in the past we tend to
132. 4:54underestimate how much will change in
133. 4:56the future it's like we always believe
134. 4:58that the current version of ourselves is
135. 5:00the final version as if we've finally
136. 5:03figured it all out spoiler alert we
137. 5:06haven't we never do and that's okay
138. 5:09because it makes life even more
139. 5:10interesting the ability to evolve
140. 5:12constantly is what
141. 5:14does but this everchanging notion makes
142. 5:16the version of you that exists in
143. 5:18someone else's Mind by definition
144. 5:21outdated when someone thinks of you
145. 5:23they're not Imagining the person you are
146. 5:25right now they're recalling the last
147. 5:27version of you they saw or the version
148. 5:29that left the strongest impression could
149. 5:32be you from last week last year or even
150. 5:34from childhood they don't see the tiny
151. 5:37shifts in your perspective the lessons
152. 5:39you've learned or the subtle changes in
153. 5:41your personality they didn't feel that
154. 5:43quiet moment you had at 2 a.m. staring
155. 5:46at the ceiling when something just
156. 5:49clicked and it's not because they don't
157. 5:52care it's just human nature we're all
158. 5:54wrapped up in our own stories our own
159. 5:56endless Evolution while you're busy
160. 5:58changing so is everyone
161. 6:00else this is why running into an old
162. 6:03friend feels so strange they might still
163. 6:05expect you to laugh at the same jokes or
164. 6:07care about the same things but maybe
165. 6:09you've outgrown that version of yourself
166. 6:11and so you find yourself slipping back
167. 6:13into Old patterns playing the part they
168. 6:16expect because it's easier than trying
169. 6:17to explain who you've
170. 6:19become but this isn't a one-way Street
171. 6:22you do the same to others you think you
172. 6:24know who your friends are who your
173. 6:25parents are who your co-workers are but
174. 6:27those are just versions of them that you
175. 6:29froze in time you're not fully aware of
176. 6:31their growth their struggles their late
177. 6:34night epiphanies in a way every
178. 6:37relationship we have is like talking to
179. 6:38a ghost of who someone used to be mixed
180. 6:41with who we think they are because the
181. 6:43human brain hates gaps it loves a
182. 6:45complete picture even if it has to make
183. 6:48things up to fill in the blanks when you
184. 6:50meet someone for the first time your
185. 6:52mind doesn't just stop at what they say
186. 6:54or how they look it fills in the rest
187. 6:56with assumptions stereotypes and
188. 6:58experiences from your past
189. 7:00maybe they remind you of someone else or
190. 7:02perhaps their tone triggers a memory
191. 7:05without realizing it you build an entire
192. 7:07backstory for them layering your own
193. 7:09biases and expectations over who they
194. 7:11actually are and they're doing the same
195. 7:13to you when you meet a person you think
196. 7:17you know them but you don't they exist
197. 7:19in your mind as an idea not as a
198. 7:22reality psychologists call this
199. 7:24impression formation we take tiny pieces
200. 7:27of information a smile a phrase and an
201. 7:29outfit and construct a whole narrative
202. 7:31around it our brains are essentially
203. 7:34storytellers filling in the unknowns
204. 7:36with whatever makes the story makes
205. 7:37sense but those stories aren't always
206. 7:40accurate yet once that first impression
207. 7:42is set our brains become stubborn it
208. 7:45takes a lot more evidence to change a
209. 7:46first impression than to reinforce it
210. 7:49it's why a bad first impression can
211. 7:50haunt you and a good one can create
212. 7:52unrealistic
213. 7:54expectations ironically your brain often
214. 7:56tries to match every impression it's a
215. 7:58survival Instinct to fit in this is
216. 8:01called the pigmalion effect where higher
217. 8:04expectations lead to improved
218. 8:05performance and lower expectations do
219. 8:08the opposite if someone expects you to
220. 8:10be funny you might find yourself
221. 8:12cracking jokes if they see you as shy
222. 8:15you might hold back even if that's not
223. 8:17who you usually are you could be sitting
224. 8:19alone at a cafe one person might think
225. 8:22they're so peaceful another might think
226. 8:25they look so lonely the truth could be
227. 8:28neither or both
228. 8:30but each Observer walks away with a
229. 8:31different version of you in their mind
230. 8:34but nobody's story is complete everyone
231. 8:37is working with half-written scripts and
232. 8:38missing chapters and so every
233. 8:40interaction is like two incomplete
234. 8:42puzzles trying to fit together with
235. 8:44pieces that don't quite match and when
236. 8:47those gaps are too big when the story in
237. 8:49your head doesn't match the story in
238. 8:50theirs they say you've changed but
239. 8:54really they just haven't updated their
240. 8:55version of you in a while in the end
241. 8:58we're all just walking each other home
242. 9:00we're all walking around as puzzles with
243. 9:02pieces only partially visible to others
244. 9:05you'll never fully understand how
245. 9:06someone else sees you just as they'll
246. 9:08never fully understand the layers of who
247. 9:10you are but instead of fearing that
248. 9:12maybe we can find comfort in it it's
249. 9:15what makes connection so powerful when
250. 9:17it happens and why a true understanding
251. 9:19from someone else feels so rare and
252. 9:21beautiful but it's also why social
253. 9:23interactions can be so draining it's not
254. 9:26just about being present it's about
255. 9:28managing the infinite possibilities of
256. 9:30how you're being perceived it's why you
257. 9:32might replay conversations in your head
258. 9:34wondering did I sound weird did they
259. 9:37think I was awkward but hey maybe that's
260. 9:40why the smartest people to ever live
261. 9:41often Shan social life
262. 9:44[Music]