White Guy Claims He's a Rapper... The Crowd Isn't Convinced | Chris Turner's Freestyle Raps — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00In the UK, I'm quite a big rapper.
2. 0:02>> [laughter]
3. 0:03>> What I do is freestyle rap. That's rap
4. 0:05that's made up. I don't write it.
5. 0:07I feel like you're all You're still
6. 0:08deciding whether this is true or not.
7. 0:09No, it's true.
8. 0:11>> [laughter]
9. 0:11>> Um so, you get to pick what the rap's
10. 0:13about. Be creative. Be imaginative.
11. 0:15We'll get five suggestions, then we'll
12. 0:16drop a beat. Do a freestyle rap. Okay,
13. 0:18I'll say we'll start here. So, what did
14. 0:19you say? Asteroids. Asteroids. Yeah, you
15. 0:22said asteroids as a two-syllable word,
16. 0:24then. Why where are you from?
17. 0:26New Jersey. New Jersey.
18. 0:28>> [laughter]
19. 0:28>> Okay. As- asteroids. Not asteroids,
20. 0:31asteroids. Like Star Wars Star Wars
21. 0:34proctologist. Asteroids.
22. 0:36Um
23. 0:38Are you a Are you a keen keen
24. 0:39astrophysicist? [clears throat]
25. 0:41Yes.
26. 0:42Are you, sir?
27. 0:45>> [laughter]
28. 0:45>> Do you have a favorite asteroid?
29. 0:48Do you know the difference between a
30. 0:49meteor and a meteorite?
31. 0:51>> [laughter]
32. 0:51>> One's One's male and the other's female.
33. 0:56Could be. Could be.
34. 0:58Could be. Um no, I could explain the
35. 1:01difference, but it's tedious. Um
36. 1:03okay. Okay. As- asteroids. Right.
37. 1:07Suggestion number two from over here.
38. 1:09Hello.
39. 1:09>> You can't take it. You can't take it.
40. 1:11Wait. No, no.
41. 1:13Oh, no, no, no. That's suggestion number
42. 1:15one. It's not a three-minute rap just
43. 1:16about asteroids, sir.
44. 1:18>> [laughter]
45. 1:20>> That would be That would be extravagant.
46. 1:22Um
47. 1:23suggestion number two.
48. 1:24Teletubbies. Are you sat over there? The
49. 1:26[ __ ] is wrong with you?
50. 1:28>> [laughter]
51. 1:28>> Unless there's the world's best
52. 1:30ventriloquist who's like, "Yes,
53. 1:31Teletubbies." But from that side of the
54. 1:33room. Hello, who said Teletubbies? Yeah,
55. 1:36you're Are you you're you're vaguely
56. 1:38European? Where are you from? Georgia.
57. 1:39Georgia, yeah. But not not this Georgia,
58. 1:42the one Yeah, the Georgia over there.
59. 1:44Tbilisi, right?
60. 1:45>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. [ __ ] hell. Are you
61. 1:47with anyone tonight?
62. 1:49Yeah, well, I know the capital of her
63. 1:51country, so
64. 1:53That's [laughter] it. If you know the
65. 1:55the city of a country, you can
66. 1:56definitely find any of its citizens'
67. 1:58clitoris. That's how it works.
68. 2:01That's how it works. Or as you would
69. 2:02call it, your Georgia peach.
70. 2:05No, because that's not They don't have
71. 2:07that there. They just have bunkers.
72. 2:09>> [laughter]
73. 2:12>> So,
74. 2:13you Did you have Teletubbies in Tbilisi?
75. 2:15Not really. No. I love that. The
76. 2:17Georgian Teletubbies. That's yeah. All
77. 2:20the rabbits would have been eaten.
78. 2:23Did you Did Americans Did you guys get
79. 2:25Teletubbies? Yeah.
80. 2:26Okay. Who was your favorite one? Po.
81. 2:29Po. Really? All the Tinky-Winky, the gay
82. 2:31one. Yeah.
83. 2:34Tinky-Winky.
84. 2:36Do you know the difference between a
85. 2:37Tinky-Winky and a Dipsy, sir?
86. 2:39>> [laughter]
87. 2:41>> Great.
88. 2:42I I love that. Okay. Teletubbies,
89. 2:45Georgian Teletubbies, and asteroids.
90. 2:48Okay.
91. 2:49This section, you still haven't given
92. 2:51anything. That lady from Tbilisi took
93. 2:53it. What would you like to wrap up?
94. 2:55Scallies.
95. 2:57Scallies. Now, Americans, there's not an
96. 2:58equivalent word for that. A scally is
97. 3:01what we in Manchester or the north in
98. 3:02general would call what the southerners
99. 3:04would call a chav. And a chav is
100. 3:06essentially a kind of violent
101. 3:09working-class
102. 3:11individual wearing lots of fake
103. 3:14Burberry. And they'll come up to you and
104. 3:16they'll be like, "Now, mate. Give us
105. 3:17your phone."
106. 3:19>> [laughter]
107. 3:20>> "You got any ease? Can I get some ease?
108. 3:22Give us your phone, [ __ ] 20p."
109. 3:25And that's I used to work in a 24-hour
110. 3:26supermarket, and my entire job was
111. 3:28mainly placating scallies.
112. 3:30>> [laughter]
113. 3:32>> What is the American equivalent then?
114. 3:34Leeds.
115. 3:35Yeah, well, you can't just shout Leeds.
116. 3:36That's That's a That's another place in
117. 3:38the north. We don't You can't spell
118. 3:40Leeds without LSD and two E's. Just
119. 3:42saying.
120. 3:43>> [laughter]
121. 3:44>> Um Okay, great. Scallies is actually
122. 3:46violent British people.
123. 3:49Teletubbies and asteroids. Let's get two
124. 3:52more. Um What should I call it after?
125. 3:56Deep seek. Oh, so the the Chinese AI
126. 3:59that said it cost 5 million in training
127. 4:01but actually they just [ __ ] lied.
128. 4:04Great. Are you Chinese?
129. 4:06No?
130. 4:07Don't say it like that.
131. 4:08>> [laughter]
132. 4:09>> No.
133. 4:11Great. Do you use Deep Seek?
134. 4:13I tried it. You tried it. Oh [ __ ] the
135. 4:15government's got all your data. I'm
136. 4:17sorry. What else? What did you do you
137. 4:20use other AIs?
138. 4:21A little bit. A little bit. Where are
139. 4:23you from? I'm from Thailand. From
140. 4:25Thailand. [ __ ] yeah, mate. [ __ ]
141. 4:28pad see you.
142. 4:30>> [laughter]
143. 4:32>> Again, it's like knowing the capital
144. 4:33city. Say the second most popular dish
145. 4:36and then I'll lie to you. You say pad
146. 4:37thai like you basic [ __ ] [ __ ] Pad
147. 4:40see you.
148. 4:43Pad see you later.
149. 4:46>> [cheering]
150. 4:47>> Probably ordered some Thai Bangkok. Let
151. 4:49me add it in. Right.
152. 4:51Okay, [ __ ] is that We've done Deep
153. 4:54Seek, we've got Scallies, we've got
154. 4:56Teletubby. Oh, no, there's one more but
155. 4:58it can come from anywhere. A stray cat.
156. 5:00A stray cat in Bushwick. Yeah. Are you a
157. 5:02Are you a cat owner?
158. 5:05Originally yes, I did.
159. 5:07No. No, we're not cat owners. Okay,
160. 5:09thank you.
161. 5:10>> [laughter]
162. 5:11>> How How many of you answered that
163. 5:12question?
164. 5:14An unusual At least two, maybe three.
165. 5:16Yeah, an unusual cat share relationship.
166. 5:20Welcome to flat share cat share.
167. 5:22It's Bushwick, baby. Okay, great. Okay,
168. 5:25that's what you've asked for. DJ
169. 5:26Armstead, are you you in the house?
170. 5:28Yeah, can I air drop you a beat? I want
171. 5:30to try this. I don't Well, no, cuz I
172. 5:31downloaded this on the subway on the way
173. 5:33in so I didn't have time to give it him.
174. 5:34I don't know if it's any good or not but
175. 5:36it it sounded promising the first 20
176. 5:37seconds hit hard.
177. 5:40All right. Well, this is a freestyle.
178. 5:41That's a rap made up on the spot. It's
179. 5:42about a stray cat in Bushwick. It's
180. 5:45about Teletubbies in Georgia, scallies,
181. 5:48Mancunian violent thugs, asteroids.
182. 5:52Remember asteroids, not asteroids. And
183. 5:55then our final a deep sea. [music] Yes,
184. 5:56great. Cool. [ __ ] Okay, well done.
185. 5:58You've You've done your No, you've done
186. 6:00your part of the bargain.
187. 6:01>> [applause and cheering]
188. 6:02>> DJ Outkast, let's let's
189. 6:04See, it sounded pretty [ __ ] good,
190. 6:06didn't it? Hit hard, right? Well, let's
191. 6:07listen. This is going to be that. I'll
192. 6:10try make it as good as I can [music] and
193. 6:12let's have some [ __ ] fun. Yeah, okay,
194. 6:15cool.
195. 6:16You know we'll take that Fairfax the
196. 6:19straight cut in Bush we're not Fairfax.
197. 6:21[music]
198. 6:21I hate that. It's walking around like
199. 6:23meow, I'm alone. One three people
200. 6:26dwelling in the home, but no, they don't
201. 6:28like you. That ain't their job. They
202. 6:30find you odd, hate the cats, they admire
203. 6:32the dog much more than any [singing]
204. 6:33more. I see your [music] jaw twitching
205. 6:36eating dogs in Georgia. We adore that.
206. 6:39Of course, they're in the Europe. Oh my
207. 6:41gosh, I'm so pure. [singing and music] I
208. 6:43adore it. Watching all the television
209. 6:45there from the west. [ __ ] Russia. You
210. 6:47know I really love best. [music] Again
211. 6:49and again, I'd watch the show. I love
212. 6:51puppy toes. I'd No, no, no, that'd be
213. 6:54new new, but they translate the
214. 6:56subtitle. Dipsy, Tinky-Winky, it's
215. 6:59vital. Don't forget Lala. Po, you need
216. 7:01me. We got a lover Po. [music] Po,
217. 7:03they're into bleezy. The Po Po [singing]
218. 7:05doesn't mean police cuz it's lawless.
219. 7:07[music] Tinky-Winky with his handbag,
220. 7:09you're impressed when you see him sashay
221. 7:12there like I'm a gay Teletubby big bear.
222. 7:15I am
223. 7:16magic's magical hurtle towards you and
224. 7:19hurtle. My color is purple the skin that
225. 7:21I'm in. A Georgian accent, if you've got
226. 7:24Dipsy gone your phone, just stack it,
227. 7:26[music] crack it with the screen, remove
228. 7:27the battery. Xi Jinping is going to be
229. 7:30after you. I don't understand. [ __ ]
230. 7:33[music] China, Thailand. You becoming
231. 7:35their real [ __ ] yeah, understand. No
232. 7:37need for AI, you can just type on a
233. 7:39calculator or Google like psych. My
234. 7:42person over here, he's like, "Well, he's
235. 7:44from [singing] Manchester, so he'll know
236. 7:46what [ __ ] scally [music] hell on
237. 7:48that." While you spit from the head down
238. 7:50south with the chaps in Scotland with
239. 7:52the nets, but the northwest, we're a
240. 7:54[ __ ] pest. We'll steal your
241. 7:56phone, we'll knife you. They never rest.
242. 7:58Climb [music] like Everest. When you see
243. 8:00me wearing all my fake check Burberry. I
244. 8:03live in a council house. I do drugs.
245. 8:06Scally, [music] scally, scally. Yeah,
246. 8:08two thugs will approach you. Hold you
247. 8:10there at knife point. The last one, he
248. 8:12was like, "Yeah, there's got a nice
249. 8:14droid coming from behind." Looking at my
250. 8:16anus. Oh, yeah, such a small thing. It's
251. 8:19painless. Of course, how can I avoid?
252. 8:22I'm asking all the noise. The boys like
253. 8:24asteroids. Not even for the tough. Just
254. 8:26A S T E R O I D S. We can all see.
255. 8:28Hubble telescope, he can see out to
256. 8:28space. It enters from behind and you see
257. 8:29it on his face. It's like, "Wowzer."
258. 8:37Yeah, down below. My poo R2-D2, C-3PO
259. 8:41entering me. Yeah, it's really so great.
260. 8:43I really love it and I can't wait.
261. 8:45Asteroids hitting the planet, killing
262. 8:47all the dinosaurs. Take it raw, drop
263. 8:50your drawers, then it's really raw.
264. 8:51Well, there we go. Ejaculate when it
265. 8:53hits your prostate. The real asteroid,
266. 8:55BB-8. YEAH.
267. 8:59>> [cheering]
268. 9:01>> THAT IS A VERY good story [applause] of
269. 9:02BB-8.