What kids know about motivation (and we don't) | Betsy Blackard | TEDxClaremontGraduateUniversity — Transcript

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1. 0:10What if I told you
2. 0:11that the best way to motivate a child
3. 0:14was to do...nothing
4. 0:18Just let them do whatever they feel like doing
5. 0:21You don't believe me, do you?
6. 0:23But after working with children for more than 20 years
7. 0:26and completing a PhD in developmental psychology,
8. 0:30if there's one thing I know,
9. 0:32it's how kids work. And today
10. 0:34I'm gonna share with you
11. 0:35how children's motivation works
12. 0:37like a running leap. So to get started,
13. 0:39can I have a volunteer from the audience
14. 0:41for a quick demonstration?
15. 0:42Mena!
16. 0:44He's a friend of mine.
17. 0:49OK
18. 0:51All right, Mena
19. 0:51so if you would please
20. 0:52imagine that you are taking a little nature walk
21. 0:55and you come upon a little trickle of a stream.
22. 0:58How would you get across it to continue your walk?
23. 1:02Yeah, exactly like that.
24. 1:04OK great
25. 1:05All right, now what if the stream was just a little wider,
26. 1:09like maybe like that wide,
27. 1:12how would you get across it?
28. 1:16Great, okay
29. 1:18now...scoot back just a little?
30. 1:21okay now uh
31. 1:23what if it was this wide across
32. 1:25I'm gonna put it right at your toes
33. 1:27what if it was about this wide across
34. 1:29can you get across it without getting your feet "wet"?
35. 1:36Nice, thank you! Yeah.
36. 1:41Okay, so did anybody notice what he did?
37. 1:44Any volunteers?
38. 1:46Jump.
39. 1:46Before jumping?
40. 1:49He backed up! That's right.
41. 1:51He backed up before taking that running leap!
42. 1:54And without backing up like that,
43. 1:56he wouldn't have been able to make it all
44. 1:57the way across, right?
45. 1:59And you would never mistake backing up like that for
46. 2:03like, backing away from a challenge, right?
47. 2:06Thank you, Mena.
48. 2:12Okay, well
49. 2:13I'm here to suggest that children's motivation
50. 2:15works the same way. That children actually approach
51. 2:19all of life's challenges
52. 2:20the way Mena approached crossing the "stream."
53. 2:23The bigger the challenge,
54. 2:24the further they need to back up
55. 2:26to make sure their running leap is a success.
56. 2:31Let me share an example.
57. 2:32One summer I was at the community pool
58. 2:35and I saw a little girl, about six or seven
59. 2:38standing at the top of a water slide
60. 2:40and she was frozen in place.
61. 2:43Everything in her body language indicated fear
62. 2:45and regret.
63. 2:47She finally turned around and walked back down the stairs.
64. 2:51Now, because I know about the running leap,
65. 2:54this is when I got really interested.
66. 2:57And you know what she did?
67. 2:59she walked right over to a toddler splash pad
68. 3:01and found a baby slide!
69. 3:03This thing like
70. 3:04barely came up to her waist.
71. 3:05But she was going down it feet first,
72. 3:07and then head first, and then backwards
73. 3:10She was having a blast
74. 3:12I want you to think for a second
75. 3:14about what you might say to a child
76. 3:15in a situation like this.
77. 3:17You might feel like you need to jump in there
78. 3:19and motivate that little girl
79. 3:20to push through her fears
80. 3:22so she can learn that she can do hard things.
81. 3:25That's definitely what her mom thought!
82. 3:27She was over there saying things like, "oh,
83. 3:29you don't want to play on this!
84. 3:29It's for babies! Come on,
85. 3:31let's go back to the big slide,
86. 3:32I know you can do it!"
87. 3:34She really wanted her daughter to have that win!
88. 3:37However,
89. 3:39this baby slide business wasn't just for fun.
90. 3:42The little girl was mastering a smaller challenge first
91. 3:46to build her confidence.
92. 3:48And she knew exactly how many steps she needed to take
93. 3:52to get that running leap toward the big slide.
94. 3:55So she quietly ignored her mom
95. 3:58and continued to show that baby slide who was boss!
96. 4:01And before long,
97. 4:03She made her way back over to the big slide
98. 4:04and slid right into the deep end all on her own.
99. 4:08Now if you didn't know about the running leap,
100. 4:11you might think that the only reason
101. 4:13she ever went back to that big slide
102. 4:15was because of her mom's persuading.
103. 4:18But as a caregiver, this is an exhausting belief!
104. 4:20Like, what a massive burden
105. 4:22to have to constantly be the child's motivation.
106. 4:26Luckily, once you know about the running leap,
107. 4:29you can sit back and look for all the ways
108. 4:32their motivation is already there.
109. 4:35Like with this little girl,
110. 4:36the whole time she was on the baby slide,
111. 4:39she was stealing glances over at that big slide.
112. 4:41Her inner motivation was right there in plain sight,
113. 4:45if you just knew how to look for it.
114. 4:47So, whenever it looks like a child
115. 4:50is backing away from a challenge,
116. 4:52see if you can figure out how
117. 4:54they're actually backing up to take a running leap.
118. 4:57Not only will this help with your fear
119. 4:59that they're turning into some kind of anxiety-ridden,
120. 5:02responsibility-dodging slacker,
121. 5:04it will also help you trust their process
122. 5:07so that you can let go and stay curious.
123. 5:11And then you really can do nothing
124. 5:14and feel great about it.
125. 5:17I promise as much as it may sometimes seem like it,
126. 5:21kids aren't dumb!
127. 5:23They won't jump if they think they're gonna land
128. 5:25right in the middle of the street.
129. 5:27Instead, they back up
130. 5:29by seeking experiences that bolster their confidence
131. 5:31and their self trust.
132. 5:34And it's not just that they're afraid of failure,
133. 5:36they're actually programmed to succeed
134. 5:38with inborn strategies like the running leap.
135. 5:42All we have to do is stay out of their way!
136. 6:22Wow!
137. 6:29And moments like this are happening all the time!
138. 6:33Every day, kids are backing up to take running leaps,
139. 6:36big and small.
140. 6:38And each one is an opportunity for us
141. 6:40to help them recognize what they're up to
142. 6:42which can turn their self doubt into self trust
143. 6:44and give them a tool for future challenges.
144. 6:47Like this one time,
145. 6:48I was helping a second grader with her math homework.
146. 6:51It should have been relatively simple--
147. 6:52A dozen or so problems
148. 6:53and she could join her friends on the playground.
149. 6:56However.
150. 6:58Getting her to do even one problem
151. 7:00was like pulling teeth.
152. 7:03After trying to get her to focus
153. 7:04for the millionth time,
154. 7:06She turned to me with this wild look in her eyes
155. 7:08and said, "Oh no! I'm gonna pop!"
156. 7:14She continued,
157. 7:15"I'm gonna pop, it's gonna happen...pop!"
158. 7:19And with that, she frog-leapt out of her seat,
159. 7:22landed on the floor, and crawled under the table.
160. 7:26Now, I have to tell you,
161. 7:27knowing about the running loop
162. 7:29comes in SO handy for moments like this.
163. 7:33Clearly,
164. 7:33this math homework was really challenging for her.
165. 7:36Maybe struggling with each problem was making her feel
166. 7:38dumb
167. 7:40And when you feel dumb,
168. 7:40you don't exactly feel ready to tackle math homework,
169. 7:43right? So
170. 7:44she instinctively knew
171. 7:46that she needed a confidence boost, stat!
172. 7:49Maybe this little game of hers
173. 7:50was helping her feel like a creative,
174. 7:53spontaneous kid who was choosing not to do math
175. 7:56rather than a dumb kid
176. 7:58who was trying her best and struggling.
177. 8:01In other words,
178. 8:02she was backing up, not backing away!
179. 8:07So, rather than trip her up
180. 8:09by trying to force her to sit and focus,
181. 8:11I looked for how I could support her backward steps.
182. 8:15I said,
183. 8:17"I have an idea.
184. 8:19how about after each problem,
185. 8:21you pop once? And then you can come back
186. 8:24and we'll do the next problem."
187. 8:26She liked that idea.
188. 8:27She climbed right back into her seat
189. 8:29and together we did all of problem number three.
190. 8:32And then she popped out of her seat,
191. 8:34crawled under the table,
192. 8:36And stayed there
193. 8:38I know, I know
194. 8:40But this is what's so great about the running leap:
195. 8:42Instead of getting sucked into a power struggle,
196. 8:44I just took it as a sign
197. 8:45that she needed to back up even further
198. 8:48between each problem. One pop wasn't enough.
199. 8:52So I followed her lead, and together
200. 8:55we developed a routine
201. 8:56where she was doing one full lap of frog leaps
202. 8:59around the table between each problem.
203. 9:01And sure,
204. 9:02that took a little while, but honestly?
205. 9:05Not as long as it would have taken
206. 9:07if I had tried to force her to sit and focus.
207. 9:10Plus, this way
208. 9:12all I had to do was nothing.
209. 9:15I knew she wanted this math homework to be over
210. 9:18just as badly as I did.
211. 9:20So it was easy to trust in her motivation
212. 9:23and patiently wait for her to come back around
213. 9:25between each problem, which she always did.
214. 9:29No more power struggle.
215. 9:32Some of you might worry that if you give a kid an inch,
216. 9:36they'll take a mile.
217. 9:38That if you let them back up as far as they need,
218. 9:40they may never actually take that running leap.
219. 9:44However, this logic makes a fundamental assumption.
220. 9:47That without our intervention
221. 9:49children would automatically give up,
222. 9:51experience failure.
223. 9:53That we have to BE their motivation.
224. 9:56But what if instead,
225. 9:57We focus on fostering their intrinsic motivation?
226. 10:00If a kid wants something, they'll never give up.
227. 10:04No matter how long it takes
228. 10:06Once they feel ready, they will always come back.
229. 10:10So this little girl might not have wanted to do math,
230. 10:14but she definitely wanted to go play.
231. 10:17And she probably had a bigger goal
232. 10:18of doing well in school.
233. 10:20So that means she didn't need me to be her motivation,
234. 10:23forcing her to stay seated.
235. 10:25What she needed was to take some confidence-boosting
236. 10:28backward steps.
237. 10:30And what actually happens
238. 10:31when you try to force a kid to take a leap
239. 10:34they don't feel ready for? It backfires!
240. 10:37At best, you get resentful obedience,
241. 10:41but at worst they might feel irresponsible,
242. 10:44incompetent, lazy...
243. 10:46all these things that really decrease their confidence.
244. 10:49And the lower their confidence,
245. 10:52the wider that stream is gonna look,
246. 10:54the further they're gonna have to back up
247. 10:56before they take that runing leap.
248. 10:58So you can see how
249. 10:59the more we disrupt their backing up process,
250. 11:01the more backward steps they'll need to take.
251. 11:05Instead, we can help them recognize
252. 11:07when they're using the running leap
253. 11:09and maximize the benefits.
254. 11:11Like with this little girl--
255. 11:12Once she was done with her homework,
256. 11:14I made sure to acknowledge her process
257. 11:17so she could trust herself more in the future.
258. 11:19I said, "you found a way to get your homework done.
259. 11:24You knew just what you needed to do.
260. 11:26And now, you can go play."
261. 11:29And off she skipped,
262. 11:30A creative kid who can do math with the right strategy.
263. 11:35And from then on,
264. 11:36I got a lot less resistance at homework time.
265. 11:39Ahe knew I would help her play
266. 11:40to her strengths, which meant her confidence grew
267. 11:43and she needed a lot less "popping."
268. 11:46A virtuous cycle.
269. 11:49Showing kids how their backing up strategy works
270. 11:52increases their confidence and
271. 11:55gives them a tool for future challenges.
272. 11:58And you can do it using pretty much the same language
273. 12:00that I used with this little girl.
274. 12:01Just describe what they did.
275. 12:05Like, imagine if the mom at the swimming pool
276. 12:06had said to her daughter,
277. 12:08"You wanted to go down the big slide,
278. 12:09and you knew just what you needed to get there!
279. 12:12You went down the little slide first
280. 12:13to build your confidence, and it worked!"
281. 12:17With acknowledgements like this,
282. 12:18You can help kids trust themselves
283. 12:19and teach them to procrastinate purposefully
284. 12:22in the future.
285. 12:24My parents did this for me growing up,
286. 12:26so I was able to use the running leap
287. 12:28with one of the biggest challenges of my life:
288. 12:30getting a PhD.
289. 12:32After college, I was burnt out.
290. 12:37I knew I wanted to do something meaningful
291. 12:39with my one precious life.
292. 12:40I wanted to be a contribution to the world.
293. 12:43But after 16 years of formal education,
294. 12:46I just did not have the energy.
295. 12:49So I skipped off to Florida to become a beach bum.
296. 12:53While all my friends were starting on their careers,
297. 12:56I was rediscovering reading for pleasure
298. 12:58with my toes in the sand.
299. 13:00My parents were a little anxious,
300. 13:03but they reminded themselves of the running leap
301. 13:05and tried to avoid applying too much pressure.
302. 13:09And one day,
303. 13:11after six sun-kissed months of working with children,
304. 13:14a thought struck me, out of the blue:
305. 13:16"I want a PhD in child development."
306. 13:19And because I knew about the running leap,
307. 13:21I knew I would get one, no matter how hard it was.
308. 13:25My dissertation defense
309. 13:26was one of the proudest moments of my life,
310. 13:28and I've gotta say,
311. 13:29it's a good thing I knew about the running leap,
312. 13:31because wow,
313. 13:33is grad school full of challenges!
314. 13:37So the next time it looks like a child is backing away
315. 13:40from a challenge, big or small...
316. 13:44Just take a deep breath
317. 13:47and do...nothing
318. 13:51Just look for signs that they're actually backing up
319. 13:53to take that running leap.
320. 13:55Then you can trust
321. 13:56that they're already doing exactly what they need
322. 13:58to prepare themselves.
323. 14:01If you'd like to do more than nothing,
324. 14:02there is something you can do.
325. 14:04Ask yourself, what are they doing,
326. 14:07and how is it already working for them?
327. 14:10Instead of pushing or pleading,
328. 14:13look for how you can bolster their-self trust
329. 14:15to strengthen their confidence-building process.
330. 14:19How can you help their backward steps
331. 14:22be as strong as possible,
332. 14:24so their running leap is a soaring success?