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What a Man Is Really Asking For, and Why He Never Says It — Transcript

by Hard Truth Talks · 3,030 words · 472 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00Men don't need 20 things from a woman,
0:01[music] just three. Let me explain.
0:04Number one, be his peace. And I'll say
0:06what that doesn't mean first because
0:07this one gets twisted. It doesn't mean
0:09be quiet. It doesn't mean swallow
0:11everything and [music] smile.
0:13A man can feel the difference between a
0:15woman who's calm [music] and a woman
0:17who's gone missing inside her own house.
0:20Absent is not peace. What it means is
0:22this. The world already fights him every
0:24[music] day. Work, pressure,
0:27expectations. You don't see most of it.
0:29You see what walks through the door. The
0:31tired version, the short answers. You
0:33don't see the boss who
0:35talked to him like he was slow, the
0:37client who didn't pay, the thing at work
0:39he's been carrying for 3 weeks and
0:41hasn't mentioned because you've already
0:43got enough on. That's the war. He's been
0:45in it all day. And there's something
0:47worth knowing about that. The people who
0:49study couples, John Gottman's lab is the
0:51big one, they've measured it. When a man
0:54gets into a hard conversation at home,
0:56his heart rate goes over 100. His body
0:59treats it like a threat. He doesn't have
1:01to be shouting. He can be sitting there
1:03looking calm and inside he's flooded.
1:06Men flood faster than women and take
1:08[music] longer to come back down. So,
1:11when he walks in already wound up from
1:13the day and [music] the first thing that
1:15meets him is a problem, you're not
1:17starting a conversation, you're pushing
1:19a man who's already near his limit over
1:22it.
1:23So, when he comes home, he shouldn't
1:24feel like he's walking into another war.
1:27And the same lab found something else
1:29that I think every woman should know.
1:31They can tell how a conversation between
1:33a couple
1:34is going to end from the first 3
1:37minutes,
1:38>> [music]
1:38>> 96% of the time. If it starts with
1:41criticism, a sharp tone, a you never, it
1:44doesn't recover. [music] Doesn't matter
1:45how reasonable you are
1:47later. It's decided at the start. They
1:50[music] call it a harsh start-up.
1:52So, the first sentence out of your mouth
1:54when he walks in isn't small. It's the
1:57whole evening and often the whole week
1:59deciding which way it goes.
2:02The other number from that research is
2:055:1. Happy couples have
2:07about five good moments for every bad
2:10one. Five, that's not five compliments.
2:13It's five small things.
2:14>> [music]
2:15>> A smile, a touch, a laugh, a thank you,
2:17a look. When it drops below that, when
2:20it's 1:1 or the bad ones start winning,
2:23the whole thing tips. Most women who
2:25write to me thinking [music] their
2:26marriage is fine
2:28would be shocked if they counted for a
2:29week. Not because they're cruel, because
2:32the bad ones are easy to make when
2:33you're tired and the good [music] ones
2:34take a second of attention nobody's got.
2:37I'll tell you what that looks like
2:38because most women doing [music] it have
2:41no idea. A woman wrote to me upset. She
2:43said, "I do everything. I run this
2:45house. I organize the kids. I remember
2:47his mother's birthday [music] and he
2:48still seems far away." And I asked her
2:50one thing, "What's the first thing you
2:52say to him when he walks in?" She went
2:54quiet. Then she said, [music] "Honestly,
2:56usually something that needs doing. The
2:58bin. Did you ring the school? The
3:00[music] thing with the car." That's it.
3:02She wasn't a bad partner. She was caring
3:05a lot
3:06>> [music]
3:06>> and she was handing him the next item
3:08the the second his foot was over the
3:10threshold.
3:11And he wasn't [music]
3:13walking into [singing] a home, he was
3:14walking into a second shift
3:17with a manager he happened to be married
3:18to. Calm, grace, understanding. That's
3:21where men soften. That's where they open
3:23up. 90 seconds. That's all I'm asking.
3:2690 seconds [music] where nothing is
3:28required of him.
3:29"Hi, I'm glad you're back. How was it?"
3:32Not a performance.
3:33Just a door that opens onto warmth
3:36instead of onto a list. The bin will
3:38still be there. I promise you the bin is
3:40not going anywhere. And what happens if
3:43you do that for a while is he starts
3:46coming home [music] instead of coming
3:48back. Coming back is a body through a
3:50door. Coming home is a man arriving
3:53somewhere he wants [music] to be. One
3:55thing for the men before I move on,
3:57because I'm fair, a woman
3:59>> [music]
3:59>> can't be your peace in a house where she
4:01doesn't feel safe. If she's walking on
4:05eggshells guessing which version of you
4:07is coming in tonight, don't ask me why
4:09she's not soft. You made soft dangerous.
4:11Fix that first. Number two, respect. And
4:14yes, it matters more than you think. Not
4:17loud [music] praise, real respect. Women
4:19get this one wrong more than any of them
4:21because when a woman hears he wants
4:23respect, she hears he wants me to praise
4:26him. So, she says the nice things and it
4:28lands [music] like
4:29nothing and she's confused because
4:31that's not it. Praise is loud, respect
4:34is quiet. Real respect is mostly the
4:36absence of contempt, the eye roll. When
4:39he tells a story at dinner, the
4:40correction in front of the kids, no, not
4:42like that, give it here. The sigh. You
4:44know the sigh? The way you talk about
4:46him to your sister when he's in the next
4:47[music] room and you know he can hear?
4:49And I said, it matters more than you
4:51think for a reason. Gottman watched
4:54thousands [music] of couples argue and
4:56found one thing predicts divorce better
4:59than anything else. Not how much they
5:01fight, not money, not sex, [music]
5:03contempt. Eye rolling, sarcasm, mocking,
5:06talking down, that one. It's the
5:08strongest predictor they've got and
5:10here's the part that stopped me.
5:11>> [music]
5:11>> The partner on the receiving end of
5:13contempt gets ill more often, colds,
5:15flu, more of it.
5:17Being looked down on by [music] the
5:18person you live with wears the body
5:20down. None of it feels like disrespect
5:22to [music] to the woman doing it.
5:25It feels like being tired, being right,
5:29being a bit [singing and music] sharp.
5:31But every one of those goes into an
5:33account he's
5:34>> [music]
5:34>> keeping without meaning to and
5:37the account has a name and the name is
5:40she doesn't actually think much of me
5:41and I want to explain [music] how it
5:43gets there because
5:45nobody starts with the contempt.
5:47The researchers describe it as a slide.
5:50It starts with a complaint,
5:51>> [music]
5:51>> which is fine. Everybody complains.
5:54You didn't take the bin out. Then, over
5:56time, the complaint turns into a
5:58criticism, which is about him and not
6:01the bin. You never do anything around
6:02here.
6:03>> [music]
6:03>> And then, a bit further on,
6:05the criticism turns into contempt, which
6:08is the same sentence with a sneer on it.
6:10>> [music]
6:11>> Of course you didn't. Why would you?
6:12That's the slide. Complaint, criticism,
6:15contempt.
6:16And [music] most women don't notice
6:18they've moved down it because each step
6:20is only slightly worse than the last.
6:22And by the time you're at the bottom, it
6:24feels like [music] the way you've always
6:26talked. What pulls a couple back up that
6:28slide, and this is their finding, not
6:31mine, is [music] what they call a
6:32culture of appreciation. Not grand.
6:35Just noticing out loud
6:37>> [music]
6:37>> the true to Lou good things. He did
6:40drive the kids. He did stay calm when
6:42the boiler went. He is good with your
6:44mother. Saying those regularly changes
6:47the ratio. [music]
6:48And the ratio is the thing. You can't
6:50stop contempt by trying not to sneer.
6:54You stop it [music] by making so many
6:56small deposits
6:57that the sneer stops feeling true.
7:00Trusting his decisions, believing in his
7:03leadership. I'll be careful with that
7:04word, [music] leadership, because I know
7:06how some of you hear it. I don't mean
7:08he's in charge and you're not. I mean
7:11that when he makes a call, you don't
7:14undo it in front of the kids. When he
7:16says he'll handle something, you let him
7:18instead of [music]
7:19handling it yourself before he's had the
7:21chance.
7:22And then being uh annoyed that he
7:24didn't. A man [music] who's
7:26constantly second-guessed stops making
7:29decisions. Not because he can't, because
7:31there's no point. And then you're
7:33annoyed that he doesn't lead. He doesn't
7:36lead because every time he [music]
7:37tried, you took the wheel. I knew a
7:38couple years ago. He was quiet, worked
7:41with his [music] hands.
7:42She was sharp and funny and
7:45in a group her jokes were often at his
7:47expense, never cruel. He can't find his
7:50keys, bless him. He tried to fix the
7:52shelf, we'll see how long that lasts.
7:54Everyone laughed. He laughed too. About
7:57four years in, she told me he'd stopped
7:59being present, there
8:00>> [music]
8:00>> but not there. And I asked her, when did
8:03you last say something about him in
8:04front of people that made him look good?
8:06She couldn't think of one. Four years,
8:08[music] not one.
8:10She loved him. She just didn't know that
8:12a man [singing] measures how his woman
8:14>> [music]
8:15>> sees him by how she talks about him
8:17when other people are listening. When a
8:20man feels respected, he feels
8:22unstoppable and he will rise
8:25>> [music]
8:25>> to earn it. That's the part I want you
8:27to hear because it means this isn't
8:29charity. A man who feels respected by
8:32his woman and becomes more of the man
8:34she's respecting, he he shows up.
8:37He carries [music]
8:39more willingly because uh carrying feels
8:42different when someone's proud of you
8:45for it. Respect isn't a reward you give
8:47him for being good. It's the thing that
8:50makes him good. So, try it once this
8:53week in front of someone else.
8:55Say something true about him that makes
8:57him look good. Watch his face. Actually,
9:00hold on. I'm going to mention this once
9:02and get back to it.
9:04I wrote a book. It's called You Were
9:06Never the Problem and it's for men.
9:08Why a good man goes quiet, why he ends
9:11up unseen [music] in his own house, why
9:14he stops trying. That's what it goes
9:16into properly. [music]
9:1712 chapters, questions at the end of
9:19each, one small thing to do each
9:21[singing] week. It's not a fix your
9:23marriage [music] in a weekend thing and
9:25I won't pretend it is. There's a second
9:27one for women, You Were Never Too Much.
9:29Both in the description. [music] If it's
9:31not for you, no problem. Back to it. And
9:33number three, intimacy. Not just
9:36physical, emotional closeness. I put
9:38this last on purpose because everyone
9:40assumes it's [music] first and everyone
9:42gets it wrong.
9:43When I said intimacy, half of you heard
9:45sex. [music] And yes, that's in there.
9:47I'm not skipping it to be polite.
9:49Physical closeness matters to men in a
9:52way a lot of women underestimate.
9:54Because for a lot of men it's the main
9:56language [music] they have for feeling
9:58wanted.
10:00When it goes cold, something in him
10:02reads it as being [music] rejected as a
10:04person, not just being told no.
10:07But it's the smaller half. The bigger
10:09half is this.
10:10Although before I move on from the
10:13physical side,
10:14two things from the research that I
10:16think women should hear because they're
10:18not [music] what you'd guess.
10:20The first is a study that followed
10:23couples for 3 weeks.
10:25Both partners writing down every night
10:28how much they wanted the other [music]
10:29one and how much they thought the other
10:31one wanted them.
10:33And the men consistently guessed low.
10:36They [music] thought their partners
10:38wanted them less than the women actually
10:40did, consistently. So if you're a woman
10:43>> [music]
10:43>> thinking he knows I still want him, he
10:45probably doesn't. Not because he's
10:47stupid, because that's the bias.
10:49And the same researcher found [music]
10:51that when a man actually knows his
10:53partner wants him,
10:55both of them are happier and more
10:57committed. So say it out loud. You'd be
11:00amazed how many men have been never once
11:02[music] been told by the woman they live
11:04with
11:05that she still finds him attractive. The
11:08second is a study on what they call the
11:11afterglow. They found the good feeling
11:13from being [music] close to your partner
11:15lasts about 48 hours. And couples
11:18[music] who got that regular afterglow
11:20were more satisfied months later. 2
11:23days. That's the window. It's not about
11:25frequency for its own sake.
11:27It's that closeness [music]
11:29keeps the temperature of the whole
11:31relationship up for a couple of days at
11:32a time
11:33>> [music]
11:33>> and when the gaps get long the
11:36temperature drops and everything else
11:37the patience the softness
11:40the benefit of the doubt drops with it.
11:42Now the bigger half feeling wanted
11:44[music]
11:45feeling appreciated every man wants to
11:48feel like he was picked not settled for
11:50[music] not tolerated picked and the way
11:53a man feels picked isn't through big
11:55gestures it's through small unnecessary
11:57[music] ones. Gottman calls [singing]
11:59them bids a hand on his as you walk past
12:02a text that says nothing except thinking
12:06about you looking at him when he walks
12:08[music] in like you're pleased he
12:09exists. He tracked those in couples and
12:12then checked [music] on them 6 years
12:14later. The ones who were still together
12:16had answered each others [music] small
12:18reaches about 86% of the time.
12:21The ones who divorced about a third not
12:23the big fights the small reaches that
12:26little extra effort that says
12:29>> [music]
12:29>> I choose you. A man told me once
12:32and I've never forgotten it. He said I
12:34don't need her all over me. I just need
12:36[music] to feel like if she had to do it
12:38all again she'd still pick me and I
12:40asked him [music] when he'd last felt
12:42that and he said honestly I think it was
12:44before the kids. He didn't say it like
12:46he blamed the kids. It was [music] a
12:48marker a point where they stopped being
12:51two people who picked each other and
12:53became [music] two people running a
12:55household.
12:56Nobody decides that there's just a year
12:59where every bit of energy goes into
13:01keeping things going and then another
13:04and one day you realize you haven't
13:06looked at him actually looked in months
13:08you've looked at what needs doing near
13:12him. It's [music] not a lack of love
13:14it's a lack of looking. Men feel that
13:17deeply more than they'll say because
13:19saying it sounds [music] needy and needy
13:21is the one thing a man is not allowed to
13:23be so he doesn't say it he just notices
13:26and keeps noticing, and
13:28one day he stops reaching for you
13:30>> [music]
13:30>> first.
13:32And you feel that, and you don't know
13:34know where it came from. It came from
13:36months of reaching and getting
13:38the top of [music] your head. And when
13:40they feel loved,
13:42they give even more love back. That's
13:44the bit I want women [music] to leave
13:45with. This isn't a man who takes. A man
13:48who feels chosen becomes generous with
13:50[music] it. It's the man who feels like
13:53staff who goes quiet and holds back. So,
13:57if it feels like he's not giving, before
13:59you decide he's cold,
14:01ask yourself when you last made him feel
14:03wanted without him having to earn it.
14:06And for the men, one more time, you
14:08don't get to demand closeness from a
14:10woman who doesn't feel safe with you.
14:12If she's pulled away, ask why before you
14:15complain. A woman opens back up when she
14:18feels safe, not when she's guilted. You
14:20can't nag a woman into wanting you. It's
14:23not complicated.
14:24And because I don't want this to be a
14:26nice video you nod at and forget, here's
14:28what I'd actually do this week, one
14:31thing per point.
14:32None of them takes more than a minute,
14:34peace. For 7 days, the first thing you
14:37say when he walks in has nothing to do
14:39with a task. That's it. You can say the
14:41task thing at minute two,
14:43not minute zero.
14:44>> [music]
14:45>> Respect. Once, in front of someone else,
14:48say one true thing about him that makes
14:50him look good. And separately, catch one
14:52eye roll before it happens. Just one.
14:55You'll be surprised how many there are
14:57once you're looking. Intimacy. Tell him,
14:59in words,
15:00>> [music]
15:00>> that you still want him. Not as a lead
15:02up to anything, just as information he
15:04doesn't have. Do those and count what
15:06changes, not in a day, in a month.
15:08Because the research says the ratio
15:11takes a few weeks to move.
15:13And a man who's been running on empty
15:15takes a few weeks to believe the tank's
15:17being filled. All those lists, all those
15:19[music] 20 things,
15:21they're just examples of these three.
15:23Cooking for him is peace.
15:25Laughing at his jokes is respect. Not
15:28checking his phone is respect. Every
15:31item on every list collapses into one of
15:34these. And that matters because you will
15:37never manage all 20. You've got your own
15:40war, but the [music] the three are
15:42doable on a bad day. You can be too
15:45tired to cook and still [music] say,
15:47"I'm glad you're home." You can be
15:48irritable and still not roll your eyes
15:50in front of the kids. You can be
15:53>> [music]
15:53>> not in the mood and still put a hand on
15:55his back. Peace, respect, intimacy.
15:59Three things [music] that change
16:00everything. If this landed, share it
16:03with someone who needs it. And if you're
16:05a man watching this [music] and you
16:07recognized yourself, I wrote something
16:09for you. It's called You Were Never the
16:11Problem. If you're a woman [music]
16:13who's been carrying too much for too
16:15long, there's one for you, too. You were
16:17Never Too Much. Both in the description.
16:20Take care of each other.

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