YT YouTube2Text

YouTube2Text → Transcripts → We Solve Your Biggest Communication Problems (feat. Vanessa Van Edwards)

We Solve Your Biggest Communication Problems (feat. Vanessa Van Edwards) — Transcript

by Vinh Giang · 12,702 words · 2,090 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

Open in transcriber Summarize with AI Download SRT/VTT

Full transcript

0:00We're here today to answer your biggest
0:02communication challenges that are in
0:04that jar right now. My name is Vin. I'm
0:06a communication coach and I'm joined by
0:08another communication coach, but I have
0:10to say a communication coach who is a
0:12New York Times bestselling author,
0:15Vanessa Van Edwards.
0:16>> you. Thank you. Thank you. That's new.
0:18That's the first time I've ever been
0:19introduced with that.
0:20>> know and I've never been introduced with
0:21that.
0:22>> I know. Soon. Soon we're going to get it
0:23for you.
0:25Mhm. Soon.
0:25>> Hope so.
0:26>> Also, I'm just so excited to be here cuz
0:27I think we're the best V's on the
0:29internet.
0:29>> I think we both are.
0:30>> Vin and Vanessa.
0:32>> just said that this morning with both
0:33V's.
0:34>> And we have like great voices. Yours is
0:37better than mine, but it's mine's
0:38getting there.
0:38>> No, I like yours more than mine because
0:41it's it sounds
0:42sounds more friendly.
0:43>> Pull it out. Do it. Go first. Oh yeah,
0:45you go first.
0:46>> So the first one we have is changing my
0:48voice feels fake.
0:50Help.
0:51>> Okay, so disagree or agree. Changing my
0:52voice feels fake. Ready? One, two,
0:55three, disagree. Haha.
0:57Yeah, we're going to get along so well.
0:59>> Okay.
0:59>> Okay, you go first.
1:00>> Well look, I I think of it as an
1:03instrument. So when I learned how to use
1:05my voice, I learned it from a vocal
1:06coach. And she always said, your voice
1:09is like a piano. You've got 88 keys. And
1:12if you haven't been playing with your
1:13voice a lot, you've been playing with
1:14maybe five keys your entire life. And
1:16then when you try something like this
1:18and you play it with a little bit of
1:19that, you go, oh that's fake. It's
1:21phony.
1:22It's not fake. It's not phony.
1:23You're familiar with these five keys.
1:26You're just unfamiliar with those. So as
1:28you become more familiar with them, as
1:30you play them more, they will start to
1:32feel more like you.
1:34And and the whole feeling of you is
1:36what? It's just behaviors you've been
1:38repeating.
1:39>> I love it. And so what how many keys
1:41should we use, do you think?
1:42>> Well, I mean, when I think about the
1:43metaphor, I think use all of them. Have
1:45access to all of our keys.
1:47>> Oh, okay.
1:47>> that and and miscommunication I feel
1:49happens when you don't have access to
1:51the whole instrument.
1:52And then you say things with only one
1:55key.
1:55And then people misread that. It It
1:58>> like literally monotone.
1:59>> It is
2:00>> Okay, so um I agree and I'm adding and,
2:03which is
2:05you using your instrument is a gift to
2:07your listener.
2:08>> Mm. Oh, I love that.
2:10>> is not just not fake. You're actually
2:12making yourself easier to understand,
2:15easier to pay attention to. For example,
2:17if I were to give the entire uh this
2:19entire answer in this tone of voice, but
2:20never change it, even though I was
2:22saying great things, it would probably
2:23make you really annoyed and you would
2:24stop listening.
2:25>> I actually did.
2:26>> That exactly. You're like, what did you
2:28say? The burden I put the burden on you.
2:30>> Yeah.
2:30>> But I would rather as a communicator
2:32make I would rather make it easy to talk
2:33to I would be easy to talk to. So I want
2:34to put you at ease. So if I'm like, let
2:37me tell you a story.
2:38>> Mm.
2:39>> Let me tell you a little story. Or if
2:40I'm like, you're never going to believe
2:42what happened yesterday.
2:44>> I became a New York bestseller.
2:45>> [laughter]
2:46>> I did. I did. I did. I laid on the floor
2:49and I cried. Right? [laughter]
2:50So not only does it make you easier to
2:52listen to because it hooks the person's
2:54brain, so you're easier to pay attention
2:55to. Also you get more comprehension with
2:57my story voice versus my excitement
2:58voice. And the last thing I would say is
3:00my metaphor. I love your piano metaphor
3:02and I'm going to add to it, which is I
3:03like to think of the voice like makeup.
3:05>> Mm.
3:05>> Right? So this my my face doesn't look
3:07like this when I wake up. Sorry to tell
3:09you. But I like want to enhance my lips
3:11or enhance my eyes. And the same thing
3:14happens with your voice is you can
3:15enhance your natural abilities by just
3:18making tweaks. And that's kind of what I
3:19think of with your voice.
3:21>> And I also think on
3:23on top of that too, you can add more
3:25emotional meaning with voice. There's a
3:27layer of emotional meaning that as you
3:30use your voice with different notes, it
3:32makes people feel.
3:33>> Mm. Yes.
3:34>> when you read before in that kind of
3:35neutral monotone, I hear [snorts] the
3:37words, but I don't feel the feelings.
3:40And then the moment you whispered, I
3:41felt like you're about to tell me a
3:43secret. Right? And the moment you went
3:45louder, I was like, you're going to
3:46share something really exciting.
3:47>> Yeah. Yeah. True.
3:48>> there's emotional context that comes
3:49with
3:50>> attunement that comes with voice. So you
3:52could actually you could you could go as
3:53far to say that your voice is an EQ
3:56tool.
3:57>> Mm.
3:58>> Right? Like if you're
3:59thinking about true emotion, you're not
4:00rehearsing out your emotion. You're
4:01thinking like I'm so excited about this,
4:03or this is intimate, or I'm sad, or I'm
4:05angry. Your EQ is better because you're
4:07aware, but also it's a a way to spread
4:11the emotion, right? You're You're making
4:12it more contagious. So I think it
4:13actually helps with empathy.
4:15>> Because you're creating more clarity on
4:16how you feel. So if you feel sad, people
4:19know, so they can be there for you.
4:20>> And they can even match it.
4:22>> Yeah.
4:22>> Like if I'm with a friend, right? And
4:24like And she's like And she's So she's
4:25down here. So she's like, oh, you're
4:27just not going to believe what happened.
4:28Like this really hard thing happened
4:30yesterday. I'm like, no, tell me what
4:32happened. I'm actually going to match
4:33her without even realizing it. Is that
4:35fake? No, that's attunement. Like that's
4:37meeting her where she's at. So
4:39disagree, not fake.
4:41>> And then think about the person who
4:44emotes nothing and then starts to think,
4:46I I don't know why my friends aren't
4:48there for me. Because we don't know to
4:50be there for you. Because you're not
4:51you're not sending clear signals or
4:53clear cues that you need help.
4:55>> Yes. If I don't know you're sad, how can
4:56I reach out with compassion?
4:57>> And if I don't know you're excited, how
4:59can I share in that excitement?
5:00>> That's it.
5:00>> So I think that's that's that's a
5:02massive disagree.
5:04>> Massive disagree. And hopefully now you
5:05won't feel fake when you're trying to
5:07enhance your natural instrument. You do
5:10not have to feel fake. It is actually
5:12optimizing for you and for them.
5:14>> Reframe it. It's unfamiliar.
5:15Keep exploring.
5:16>> Mm. Um pull in the next one.
5:18>> Where do we throw the ones we're done
5:19with?
5:20Throw behind us.
5:21>> I feel good about this one. Let it go.
5:23It is, what if I couldn't read?
5:26>> What? [laughter]
5:27Oh my goodness. I'll be like, that is
5:28the best
5:29>> I got it. I can I can read and I can
5:31write, too. How [laughter] to start a
5:32conversation with someone you don't
5:34know.
5:34>> Oh, I think you're perfectly positioned
5:37to go first for this one.
5:38>> First of all, we got to do a mindset
5:40shift.
5:41>> Okay.
5:41>> This could be your next best friend.
5:44This could be your next soulmate. This
5:46could be your next business partner.
5:48I want you to assume warmth.
5:51You didn't know when you met your best
5:53friend or your partner that was your
5:54best friend or partner. You didn't know.
5:56So you have to assume this could be your
5:58person. Like this could be this person
5:59that you that you might really click
6:01with. That assumption of warmth is going
6:03to help you know with no matter what you
6:05open, okay?
6:05>> Gosh.
6:06>> So I want you to bring that warmth into
6:07it. Then I want you to use. Now I'm a
6:09recovering awkward person, right? Like
6:11are you?
6:12>> I was a recovering
6:14probably weird person.
6:16>> Oh, that's good.
6:17>> Yeah, I think I was a little more weird
6:18than awkward.
6:19>> Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, so as a
6:21recovering weird person and as a
6:22recovering awkward person, I think that
6:24we need to break a social script. What
6:25you don't want to do, you don't want to
6:27start a conversation with autopilot. How
6:29are you?
6:30How's it going?
6:31Or my least favorite question in the
6:32history of all questions,
6:34been busy lately? Is that what you were
6:36going to say?
6:36>> No. [laughter] Yeah, but yeah, I I I
6:40sometimes say that.
6:42>> No.
6:42>> I do.
6:43>> Get out.
6:44>> I know I should. Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
6:46[laughter] That's that yeah.
6:47>> No, okay. If you open So if you open a
6:50conversation with autopilot question,
6:52you're actually telling the other
6:53person's brain stay on autopilot. This
6:56is going to be like every conversation
6:57you've had today. And so it's really
6:59hard to connect. It's really hard to
7:01connect when you're on autopilot. So if
7:02I say how are you? Good, busy, good,
7:04right? Same. So we need to flip out of
7:07autopilot. And so that is with a very
7:09slightly script breaking question like
7:12been good
7:13or what's been good?
7:14Now if I ask you what's been good, it's
7:15still casual, but you actually have to
7:18think for a moment, right? Let's look
7:19what's been good.
7:20>> The book tour currently and meeting
7:22heroes that I haven't been able to meet.
7:25>> And then I would talk to you about
7:25heroes and then we'd be off. Right? So
7:27we skipped the social script. I got you
7:29to think for just a second and it's a
7:32ask into optimism. So I want your
7:34opening question, even with someone you
7:36don't know, to be could you invite their
7:37brain into optimism, which is going to
7:39give you reasons to like them, which is
7:41going to create that warmth that you
7:42assumed.
7:43>> Do you ever get students who come up to
7:45you and say, but if I say that
7:47immediately to a stranger that I just
7:49meet,
7:50I have students say this all the time.
7:51They go, oh, but then it's weird. And
7:53then I always say to them, it's only
7:55weird if you make it weird.
7:58It's like being a recovering weird
7:59person. Like you could totally make that
8:01weird.
8:01>> Totally. You could be like, what's been
8:03good?
8:03>> Yeah, or what's been good?
8:06You You and that's weird.
8:07Right? So you wouldn't do that. Where as
8:09if it's like, hey, what's been good
8:10lately?
8:11>> You're Okay. Your tone and your warmth,
8:13that's why that assumption of warmth is
8:15not going to make it weird. I would What
8:16I also say to those students cuz I get
8:17the exact same question is
8:18>> wink at the end of that question?
8:20>> Yeah, don't do that. That's that's
8:22weird. Um, you also like shouldn't
8:25cringe at yourself. Like this go in with
8:27the question, go with a little bit of
8:28confidence.
8:28>> Right.
8:29>> But
8:29also
8:32I think it's weirder to be like, how are
8:34you? How are you? I've been good. You've
8:36been good.
8:38That's weirder.
8:38>> Yeah.
8:39>> Like autopilot is worse. That's why I
8:40say it's like, let's choose your hard.
8:43>> Mm.
8:44>> Let's choose your hard, right? You can
8:45go into a conversation and do autopilot.
8:48How are you? How's it been going? That's
8:50hard. It's draining and exhausting.
8:52Yeah, it's a little hard to script
8:54break. It takes a little bit of courage
8:56to be like, what's been good or working
8:57on anything exciting or isn't it
8:59beautiful today? We've gotten big plans.
9:00>> Mm.
9:01>> Those are all script breaking and those
9:02take a little bit of courage, but isn't
9:03that a better hard?
9:04>> Well, it's a pattern break.
9:05>> And isn't that a better weird?
9:06>> Yeah.
9:07It Well, I don't think it's weird at
9:08all. I think that's actually leads to
9:10more connection.
9:11>> Right. So I think it's worth it's worth
9:13that little bit of discomfort. I think
9:14what they're what people are actually
9:15asking us cuz I get that question
9:17>> Mm.
9:17>> all the time. What they're actually
9:19asking is, do I have to be
9:20uncomfortable?
9:21>> Mm.
9:22>> I think what that that's what they're
9:23actually asking.
9:24>> underlying psychological component.
9:26>> And what I say is, maybe a little.
9:29>> Yeah, I what I'm saying is, yep.
9:31>> Yeah.
9:32>> You should be.
9:32>> little. Yeah.
9:34>> From a different perspective as well, I
9:36think I mean, I
9:37completely agree with that. I think
9:38that's a beautiful openness.
9:40>> Yeah.
9:40>> And I think
9:41I think about generosity when I think
9:43about using your communication skills.
9:45You are so generous with your energy.
9:47From the moment she walked in, I felt
9:49like she energized me after four days of
9:52six hours sleep. Like it's it's just
9:54amazing. Like I feel energized as a
9:56result of being in her presence.
9:57>> was probably the pheromones that I
10:00sprayed right before I walked in.
10:01That was too much.
10:02>> wrist. Like the first thing when I met
10:04her, she just smelled my wrist. I put
10:05vanilla smell.
10:07>> It smells so good.
10:08>> it And it smelled amazing. And then she
10:09asked me, what did
10:09>> you do for me?
10:11And it was just a very high pressure
10:12moment and I didn't know what to say.
10:13And I thought brought three outfits and
10:15two pairs of shoes.
10:16>> Was that acceptable?
10:17>> And she was accepting that. But I think
10:18again, when I think of generosity,
10:20people tend to think it in the form of
10:21money.
10:22>> Yeah.
10:22>> if you spend more time, you think it in
10:23the form of time.
10:24>> Yeah.
10:25>> There's a third form of generosity,
10:26which I think comes in the form of
10:28energy. So when you're using these
10:30pattern breaks that Vanessa is sharing,
10:32go into those conversations with energy.
10:34>> Mm.
10:34>> You know, I I think because the version
10:36that Vanessa just did, if you rewind it
10:37a minute and two seconds ago,
10:39it's very flat. If I came in and said
10:40and if if I used my pattern break
10:43sentences and said, hey, what's been
10:44good?
10:45Again, I think you're you're saying the
10:46right things,
10:47>> Mm.
10:48>> but you can add way more value to a
10:50conversation than the words themselves.
10:53The vibes, I guess we call it now,
10:55right?
10:55>> Yeah, yeah.
10:56>> So you can add that energy. You can add
10:57that that excitement. And people receive
11:00that too.
11:01>> Have Have you heard of this thing going
11:02viral about being a high value person?
11:05>> New.
11:06>> So I haven't posted or shared about
11:08this, but I would love It fits right
11:09here, which is this idea that like you
11:12want to attract a high value person, you
11:14should be a high value person. And I was
11:16always like, oh, what an Everyone's
11:17valuable. So I And it never really
11:19resonated with it. But I do think what
11:20we're saying here might be a part of
11:22this, which is like
11:24if you're willing to take the energy
11:26>> Mm.
11:26>> to say, I'm going to break a script,
11:28even if it's like a little bit scary.
11:30I'm going to look for good, even though
11:32that's not what everyone does. I am
11:34going to listen deeply. I'm going to
11:35give them I'm going to try to charge
11:36them up.
11:37>> Mm.
11:37>> I think that's being a high value
11:39person. I think that's like bringing
11:40value to a relationship so you both
11:42leave better.
11:43What What's your opener?
11:44>> I love when I meet new people. I put
11:47them in a very tough position. I always
11:49ask them, hey, look, we just met.
11:52>> Wait, wait, like really? So like So
11:54really, really.
11:54>> I really love
11:55>> Wait, wait. You're at your kids'
11:56friend's birthday.
11:57>> Yeah.
11:58>> Okay. And like a parent comes up to you,
11:59they don't know what you do.
12:00>> Yep.
12:00>> And they're like, oh, are you are you so
12:02and so's dad?
12:03>> Yeah.
12:04I am Xander's dad.
12:05>> Okay, you're you're Xander's dad.
12:06>> I'm I'm I am Xander's dad. Look, we just
12:07met.
12:08Easiest way for us to get to know each
12:10other in the next 5 minutes, let's play
12:11high low buffalo. And And they sit
12:13there, and they're like, hey, what's
12:14High-Low-Buffalo? And I'm like, oh,
12:16well, high, share something that's going
12:17well for you. Low, share something
12:19that's not going so well for you.
12:20Buffalo, something interesting about
12:21you.
12:22>> Okay.
12:22>> And then for me, whenever I play this,
12:25every time I play this, within 5
12:27minutes, we have something that we got
12:29to share that we're excited about, like
12:30like what's what's good. And then what's
12:32low. Also like a little bit of a little
12:34bit of vulnerability.
12:34>> Yeah. Yeah. Totally.
12:35>> And depending on how vulnerable they go
12:37>> be. This has to go one cuz sometimes
12:38they won't.
12:38>> And that's okay. And that's totally
12:40fine. And then something interesting.
12:41>> Um has anyone ever passed out when you
12:43play that game?
12:43>> Well, some some people can't think of
12:45it.
12:46They can't think of it, and then they
12:47freak out. They overthink it.
12:48>> Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.
12:49>> So if I sense any of that, then I go
12:52first.
12:52>> Okay. Okay. Okay.
12:53>> And then I show low I share low stake
12:55ones. I don't say, oh, I met Vanessa Van
12:57Edwards, New York best seller. I'm going
12:59to say it another five times.
13:00>> Yeah.
13:00>> Cuz I'm sending out the good vibes.
13:02>> too. That was too.
13:03>> That would No, that would Yeah, that was
13:04two from me, one from you. You did a
13:06one's too. We'll do a counter on this.
13:07>> Bing bing.
13:08>> Then I just I just lower the stakes a
13:10little bit.
13:10>> oh, the pizza is so good.
13:11>> Oh, that or I just got a fridge. And
13:13finally, we got ones that make ice
13:15automatically. Life changer. Yeah, thank
13:17you. It's been My wife has not un- that.
13:20>> things from there.
13:21If you just bought a fridge with that
13:23makes ice,
13:24>> Automatically.
13:25>> sell more courses.
13:25>> Or [laughter]
13:27Or more books. More books for now.
13:29>> books don't make money.
13:30>> Yeah, not as much as Yeah.
13:31>> That's so funny.
13:32>> [laughter]
13:32>> And then low, I won't go as crazy
13:34vulnerable. I'll keep it fairly high.
13:35>> like
13:36>> Yeah. I I could share that my dog pooped
13:38inside the house.
13:40And I've trained her not to. Super
13:41annoying.
13:41>> That also would be a good buffalo.
13:42>> Yeah. Yeah, [laughter] that would be a
13:44good buffalo.
13:45But it just allows me to to go light
13:47with that. So the lighter I go, the less
13:48pressure they feel.
13:49>> Co- Totally.
13:50>> Right? So I love doing that.
13:52That's me.
13:53>> Woo.
13:54>> I told you I'm
13:55>> Courage. I like it. So if you want to be
13:57um really brave, I want you to do
13:59High-Low-Buffalo. If you're like dipping
14:00your toe in, start with just like what's
14:03been good.
14:03>> Yeah. [laughter] I love that.
14:05>> good. Both good.
14:06>> Beautiful. My turn.
14:07>> Yeah, your turn.
14:08>> Okay.
14:09Oh, body language do's and don't.
14:12Talking to the expert about this. How
14:14cool is this?
14:15So should we start with Should we do it
14:17as all the dos or No, all the don'ts
14:18first?
14:19>> Let's do our favorite favorite least
14:20favorite, favorite least favorite.
14:22>> Okay, so so as in dos and don'ts, dos
14:23and don't?
14:24>> Yeah. All right. So, my favorite body
14:26language tip is looking for the lower
14:29lid flex.
14:30>> The lower
14:31>> Lid flex, right here.
14:34So, if someone
14:35>> like a squint.
14:36>> Like a squint, exactly. So, if someone's
14:38flexing their lower lids, this is a
14:39universal cue across cultures. So,
14:41biologically, when we have a lot of
14:42light coming in, we want to see
14:44something better, we squint, right? If
14:46you are saying something interesting,
14:48fascinating, intriguing, someone will
14:49go, really? Or if they don't believe
14:52you, it's an intensity cue, it's a focus
14:54cue. I look for it in conversation
14:56because I'm like, ah, I just said
14:58something that flipped their brain from
15:00listening
15:01>> Yeah.
15:01>> to deep intense focus. That's like my
15:04favorite one. So, you can do it as a
15:05speaker. So, like when I'm speaking,
15:07even in my videos, you might see me say
15:08like, this cue is the one I want you to
15:11pay the most attention to. I am actually
15:13cueing your brain to say, here I want
15:15you to focus. It's like an underline.
15:16>> Mm.
15:16>> It's like a bold or a highlight. And if
15:18you see someone doing it, just take a
15:19mental note or or make sense. Are we
15:21good? I have um
15:23gotten better deals on negotiations by
15:26pausing a negotiation. I see someone
15:28Like I'll say, you know, for this part
15:29of the process and they're uh yeah, that
15:31makes sense. I'm like, are we good here?
15:33Let me Let me double back. Let me
15:34explain that. And I I uncover
15:36hesitation.
15:37>> Gosh, that's so cool.
15:38>> It's It's universal. And you can't botox
15:40that part of your face.
15:41>> Really? I didn't know that. I thought
15:42you could.
15:43>> You this?
15:45Your lid?
15:46Well, if you do, you don't want to touch
15:47them [laughter] because
15:49that would hurt.
15:50>> What if you always look like that?
15:56Cuz I'm just letting you know, I'm not
15:57I'm not
15:58>> to get me canceled again? [laughter]
15:59WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
16:00>> YOU.
16:01WHAT
16:02WELL, JUST FOR THE RECORD, I'M not
16:04squinting at you. It is I am just
16:07>> A lower lid flex is
16:09intense focus, and I love it.
16:11>> So, that was a do.
16:12>> Do. That's a do.
16:12>> That's a do. I love that. Oh gosh,
16:14that's I learned something. That's
16:16really powerful.
16:17>> And also it wasn't like obvious. So,
16:18>> pick a really good one, not obvious. Go
16:19[laughter]
16:21Just go ahead.
16:22>> I I I love
16:23>> say power posing.
16:25[snorts]
16:25Don't say that.
16:27>> Okay. Well, another great doof
16:28>> What was that?
16:31>> I'm changing my now. Another great do
16:34that I really think that is powerful is
16:37increase your gesture vocabulary.
16:38>> Okay. Okay.
16:39>> I think that's really important.
16:41Otherwise, when I used to start speaking
16:43and when I read your book cues and I
16:44started learning the process, I stayed
16:46in open palms and I just I stayed in
16:49that the whole time.
16:54>> No, this is server. like that's like
16:56monotone. Right? So like this kind of
16:57gesture over and over again or this kind
16:59of gesture over and over again, it's
17:00like speaking in a monotone voice.
17:01>> politicians do that. And they they stay
17:03in this and they stay like that. That
17:04was me when I started. So I just think
17:06when you start to use your hands more
17:08and you can think of many different
17:10gestures to use,
17:11it moves your body and then your body
17:13moves your voice and your voice is
17:14connected to your body, your body is
17:15connected to your voice. So I never
17:17realized why I was monotone.
17:18>> Yeah.
17:19>> And the reason I was monotone is because
17:20I never moved my body.
17:22>> Totally. It's like a part of your
17:23instrument. You were getting. Yeah. Um
17:25let's break down my my favorite do. Can
17:27I do a favorite another favorite do?
17:28It's like types of gestures.
17:29>> Okay.
17:30>> Okay. so like gesture yes. So um when
17:33you want someone to like focus on
17:34something very specific, this is a
17:35little detail, you can literally show
17:37like a bullet point.
17:38>> Mhm. You can show that.
17:39>> this is like a bullet point, this is a
17:40bullet point, this is a bullet point.
17:41This is a very key thing. Like let's
17:42just get like into the nitty gritties.
17:43Right? Like your brain is like got it
17:45and it's following. If I' like this is a
17:47really big idea, this is important. It's
17:50heavy, it's big. It's like a beach ball
17:51or a bowling ball. Right? Like that's
17:53like highlighting for them. Um I also
17:55love to emphasize um concepts. So right,
17:58if you have like three ideas, you're
17:59talking about three things, I would
18:00never say like three things.
18:02>> Yeah. Oh, that's confusing. Three
18:03things.
18:04>> Right? Really hard. Right? Exactly. And
18:05also um we look to gesture for honesty.
18:09>> Oh.
18:09>> So really competent speakers show
18:11competence by highlighting their
18:12concepts with their hands.
18:14>> Yeah.
18:14>> Right? So so three, I also really this
18:17is advanced. This is advanced. I think
18:19that our our folks are advanced, which
18:20is organized for someone.
18:22If we're talking about part A, right?
18:24So, part A is here. Everything in A is
18:26like this. But if we're moving on to
18:27part B, anytime I reference part B, I'm
18:29going to be here. But remember part A,
18:31right? Don't forget that. But part B.
18:32So, that way when it's actually a very
18:34easy way for someone to organize where
18:35you are.
18:36>> And and I love this too, because if you
18:37notice what Vanessa did, she went from
18:39right to left. Whereas naturally you're
18:42going to want to go A is on the left
18:43side. And then you're going to want to
18:45say B is over here. So, she did
18:46something even cooler there is that she
18:49did it because she was communicating for
18:50you.
18:50>> me the big bucks.
18:51>> know. I know. I know. [laughter]
18:53You should also pay me the big bucks,
18:54too.
18:54>> He needs a new freezer, guys.
18:56>> fridge that has automatic ice.
18:59>> Really? I was Wow.
19:00>> I know. I'm Welcome to 2026.
19:02>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:03>> So, I think I think that's really
19:04important because often we communicate
19:06for ourselves. And you can see it in
19:08people when they're talking even talking
19:09about timeline. If you're talking about
19:11timeline, sometimes it goes, yeah, two
19:132016.
19:17>> Mhm.
19:17>> talking about the future. Whereas if I
19:19say back in 2016, I had to make a
19:20decision. Do I move to the US or not?
19:22And then I made the decision I moved to
19:24the US. So, you can use it for sequence.
19:26You can use it to also illustrate time.
19:28>> Yes. Yes.
19:29>> And and hopefully this is opening your
19:31mind to Well, gestures make what you say
19:34easier to digest because you're giving a
19:36visual layer.
19:38>> Yeah.
19:38>> So, so you create auditory clarity
19:40through the melody and vocal delivery.
19:42You create visual clarity
19:44by your hands. So, then now you're
19:45visually engaging them and auditorily
19:48engaging them.
19:48>> Yes. And also gesture makes you a better
19:50speaker. So, they actually research
19:51this. Dr. Susan Goldin-Meadow researched
19:53that gesture makes you more um clear.
19:57What What she actually has a finding on
19:58this. Dr. Susan Goldin- Goldin-Meadow
20:00found that
20:01you using gesture makes you a more
20:05comprehensive speaker. So, you actually
20:06speak more clearly when you have
20:08gesture. So, for example, they did an
20:09experiment where they had people sit on
20:10their hands and tell a story. Their
20:12stories were more rambly,
20:14>> Right.
20:14>> more ums, more filler words. But the
20:16moment they were allowed to use their
20:17hands even without any direction, they
20:19actually spoke more clearly.
20:20>> Did you find you used your hands during
20:21your audiobook?
20:22>> Oh, all the time. In
20:23>> I kept I kept hitting my I kept hitting
20:25my mic.
20:26>> Yeah, me too.
20:26>> Yeah.
20:26>> I go, uh, retake, Vin. You just hit the
20:28mic.
20:28>> Did you stand? What did your audio book?
20:30I I stood for most of the day.
20:31>> I stood the whole time.
20:32>> Oh my god.
20:33>> And it was it was weird because our our
20:34hands are like a baton.
20:36>> Totally.
20:36>> Like a conductor.
20:37>> Yes. Yes.
20:38>> I was moving it the whole time, even
20:40though nobody was there.
20:41>> And I when I was standing, I would even
20:42like move with it. I Also, um, there's
20:45beat gestures. So beat gestures are the
20:46kind of gestures that keep pace with
20:48your words. So Sorry, I don't do them
20:49very often. Let me do it for you. I
20:50don't usually do a beat gesture. So a
20:52beat gesture is when I'm speaking on
20:53stage and I'm keeping a beat with my
20:54words. So as I explain something, you
20:56can see my hand is keeping that beat
20:58until I change beats.
21:00>> Mm.
21:00>> And then I slow down. That's called a
21:01beat gesture. Some speakers use it
21:03really well. I don't love it. It
21:04actually For me, it doesn't help me
21:06speak more clearly. I use explanatory
21:08gestures.
21:08>> Okay.
21:09>> So explanatory gesture is a big idea,
21:11small Um, another explanatory gesture I
21:13love is anything that's towards the
21:14heart. Sorry, my mic.
21:15>> Mm.
21:16>> If it's towards the heart, I might
21:17gesture towards my heart. It's a way to
21:19signal This is just my opinion or this
21:21is personal to me.
21:22>> Yeah, this is what I feel.
21:22>> are the two different types of gestures.
21:24>> And And there's there's just beautiful
21:26layer underneath. As you're saying it,
21:27it makes me think that if you want to be
21:29more engaging, be more engaged with your
21:33instrument.
21:34And that's what you're doing. So what
21:35you're doing here is even the first two
21:36questions, you're engaging in your body,
21:38you're engaging in your voice.
21:39>> Yeah.
21:39>> So by you being more engaged, you will
21:41therefore be more engaging.
21:43>> Yeah.
21:44>> So I think that's That's awesome. Maybe
21:45some don'ts.
21:46>> Don'ts. Okay.
21:49I'm always careful with don'ts cuz
21:51someone somewhere is going to be like,
21:52but I love that gesture. And I'm going
21:54to be like, okay, oh, you could do it.
21:56Okay.
21:57>> I might have a controversial one.
21:59>> Do it.
21:59>> Because I I I
22:01>> Vin's fault.
22:02>> I I I don't like this.
22:07>> Siri.
22:07>> Yeah. I'm I'm I'm not a fan of the
22:10>> Steeple?
22:11>> I I don't
22:11>> You call it [clears throat] Well,
22:13first of all, there's a difference
22:14between
22:15this and this or this.
22:18>> Yeah, okay, that Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:20>> this is bad. I agree. This I agree.
22:23>> Yes.
22:23>> I don't like this one either. But if
22:25>> do
22:26>> if you're sitting still, I don't mind
22:28it.
22:28>> Okay.
22:29>> You don't like it? We can disagree.
22:31>> Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's okay.
22:33>> Okay. Okay.
22:34>> Because I I feel like this is when we do
22:36this, and then imagine you pair that
22:38with the squint.
22:39Now it's Now it feels like I'm super
22:41focused, but also suspicious.
22:43>> Would you would you like talking to us?
22:44>> I don't think you would.
22:46>> No, I don't think you would either.
22:46>> But even if I didn't squint,
22:48>> But what if you want to be intimidating?
22:49>> Right. I rarely desire that.
22:52>> But people do.
22:52>> Yeah, right.
22:53>> a lot of my students are high achiever,
22:55very smart, they're in negotiations, and
22:57sometimes like they need to be like take
22:59me seriously. And so I would say don't
23:02do that if you want to be seen as warm
23:04and friendly. It's not.
23:06Do do that if you want to be seen as
23:08powerful and in control.
23:11>> Yeah, hey. I I I like that. I like that.
23:13>> is something that I am guilty of, and
23:15I'm really embarrassed. This is like
23:16very embarrassing. And I'm actually
23:17going to clip it out, and you can put it
23:18in and show it.
23:20I literally tell people to do this to
23:21never do this, and then I was on
23:24CBS Morning News in front of the entire
23:25country, and I freaking did it.
23:27>> The recent one?
23:28>> Yeah. I did it like last week.
23:30>> Okay. What did you do? [laughter]
23:32>> So it's like when you're when you're
23:33greeting someone, you want to take up as
23:34much space as possible, especially on
23:35your first impression. You want to
23:37maximize the distance between your ear
23:39and your shoulder, right? So hi, good
23:40morning. It's so good to be here. What
23:42you don't want to do is what I exactly
23:43did, and it's because it makes me so
23:44ang- I was so nervous on the morning
23:46television show, is go like this. Hi.
23:49>> Oh, you did that while on set? Oh.
23:52>> No, I was so good. I was like in my head
23:54they were like saying all these nice
23:55things, right? And it was going on
23:56forever, and they were like when I was
23:57uh
23:58bloody blah, bloody blah, and I was like
24:00[laughter] and then I and then I was
24:01like
24:02and I went and I went like this
24:04like that.
24:04>> Did you say it like that way to like hi?
24:06>> No, I don't think I did. I WAS JUST LIKE
24:10>> [laughter]
24:11>> SO DON'T DO THAT. DON'T hunch your
24:13shoulders up and strinch your head down.
24:15It makes your voice bad. It makes you
24:17look like a child. And I was so nerv- I
24:20was so nervous in that interview, and I
24:22and I I I I held it for 3 seconds, but
24:24they kept going on and on about these
24:26nice things, and I it's so weird to be
24:27complimented.
24:29>> Did it did it get it did it did it
24:30impact the interview? Did you get in
24:32your head about it? Did you like,
24:33>> No, I was all right. I was all right. I
24:34was all right. I was able to recover.
24:36>> How do you recover when you do things
24:38like that? Like how how do you recover?
24:39>> So I I don't let myself get meta about
24:42it. You know, right? Like so it's like I
24:43did it, forget it. Like forget it. Like
24:46it's it's fine because then it just
24:48compounds and you suffer. So I just like
24:50I got through it. It was all right, but
24:52it's in the first three seconds of that
24:53interview.
24:54>> [laughter]
24:54>> And and I think and it and it's only
24:55three seconds and I think something I
24:57always think about is that if you don't
24:59make a big deal out of that, they won't
25:01make a big deal out of that.
25:01>> it in an interview and like re-showing
25:02it over and over again?
25:05>> Like what we're doing now. But I think
25:07if you made a big deal out of it on the
25:08show, like what I just did, I shouldn't
25:09have done. Oh, but I think sometimes
25:11when a lot of my students make errors,
25:14they then apologize for it, talk about
25:17it, and ask can I start again?
25:19And they did that in a broad meeting
25:20with all their senior leaders. Well, you
25:21can't start again. You've already
25:23started.
25:23>> And also even like even if your voice
25:25cracks, keep going.
25:26>> Yeah.
25:27>> say anything. I agree. I I never never
25:29apologize for a fluff or or the
25:31audience. Just keep going.
25:32>> And I have a big feeling that if you
25:34didn't bring that up here, most people
25:35wouldn't even notice that.
25:36>> Yeah.
25:37>> I don't think I think most people
25:38wouldn't even notice that. You we we we
25:39tend to be really self-critical.
25:40>> Yeah, I'm self-critical. It's okay, I
25:42got through it. I have one more don't,
25:44which is
25:46crossed arms. Now, I don't mind the
25:48occasional crossed arms, but this as
25:50your default sit or stance, it actually
25:53makes you more close-minded. So the
25:54research had people do creative
25:56brainstorming exercises and when they
25:58were sitting in this position, they came
25:59up with less creative ideas. So it's not
26:02just for you, it's also for them because
26:03would you want to talk to these this or
26:05to this? And so I think you can do it
26:06briefly, but we have to
26:09tell if you crossed your arms, just tell
26:11yourself to stop.
26:13>> Okay.
26:13>> That's a [laughter] tip.
26:14>> And and and how do you stop? Like if if
26:17>> Stop. Say stop it.
26:19>> Damn it, stop.
26:19>> Stop it. Yeah, just yell at yourself in
26:21your head.
26:22>> Okay. I love that. [laughter]
26:23>> Do you have a better tip?
26:24>> Well, well for
26:25>> I would love your idea because I don't
26:27have one.
26:27>> Well, I think it just goes back to the
26:29The people tend to do those
26:30non-functional
26:31is because that's a behavior they've
26:33been repeating for the last 10-20 years
26:35of their life. And it it's also because
26:37you have a small gesture vocabulary.
26:38>> Oh, yeah.
26:39>> So as you start to in your own head talk
26:41to people, pretend you're playing
26:42charades.
26:43>> Yeah, yeah.
26:43>> And go, how can I describe the things
26:45I'm saying more with my hands?
26:47>> Oh.
26:47>> And you don't have to tell the person
26:48you're playing that game.
26:49>> That's a better tip.
26:49>> But but then but then as you do that, as
26:51you increase the vocabulary, you'll stop
26:53using the one word you have.
26:55>> Oh, I love it.
26:55>> Yeah.
26:56>> Okay. Um I when we were chatting
26:57earlier, I don't know if we have B-roll
26:59of us. I I would cross my arms and I'd
27:00be like, stop it.
27:02>> Is that what you're saying to yourself?
27:04Oh gosh, I love that.
27:05>> Like three or four times I was like,
27:07stop. So I'm going to try yours. That's
27:08better.
27:09>> Yeah. You've already got such a great
27:11gesture vocabulary.
27:11>> Okay. We have to I'm working on it
27:13always. I'm recovering. Recovering
27:15awkward person. Um one more don't.
27:17>> Okay.
27:18>> How do you feel about self-touch? I
27:20actually would be curious if this is the
27:21same for men. You know, we have a lot of
27:23stuff going on, right? Like I got
27:24makeup, I got jewelry, I got my hairs
27:27all on my face, my collar. So like it's
27:29very hard to not do this while I'm
27:31talking. Um it's very I think
27:33distracting, but also um it's a
27:35self-soothing gesture, which is a
27:37pacification gesture, and often times
27:39liars do it. So even if you're not
27:40lying, if you're doing a lot of
27:42self-touch, that can also be wringing
27:44hands, it can be cracking knuckles, it
27:46can be playing with jewelry. Those are
27:47things that are could accidentally
27:50signal deceit even if you're not lying.
27:52>> No, I I I I just think of it from the
27:55perspective that we just do it because
27:57we don't know what to do.
27:59>> Oh, yeah.
27:59>> And and like you said, that's why it's
28:01it's not again, you you could not be
28:03lying. You're probably not lying, but
28:05you just don't know what to do.
28:06>> Right.
28:07>> So I think it's important to understand
28:09the foundational gestures.
28:10>> Yes.
28:10>> And and I think Virginia Satir is who I
28:12think of when I think of the
28:13foundational gestures. So so at a at a
28:15minimum,
28:16understand placater.
28:17>> Yeah.
28:18>> understand just open palms. Understand
28:20leveler if you have want to have more
28:22authority. So if you want more
28:23authority, have palms face down. And if
28:25you want even more authority, gesture to
28:27the person.
28:28>> Yes.
28:28>> Just full finger point if you don't want
28:29to be as strong, or just point if you
28:32need to.
28:33>> I don't like
28:33>> a point.
28:34Can we
28:35>> Can we
28:35>> fight about this?
28:36>> Yeah, we can. I think I think I think a
28:37I think a subtle gesture like this is
28:39soft.
28:40>> An open palm point. So I I I no
28:43pointing.
28:44>> No pointing when one-on-one?
28:46>> Yeah.
28:46>> Pointing when one-to-many? Okay.
28:50>> I don't think so. I don't think so.
28:52>> I do it from the stage all the time.
28:54Don't tell me I ruined my career.
28:55[laughter]
28:56My career is still good.
28:57>> clearly working for you.
29:00>> Because when one-to-many, it's softened
29:02naturally because
29:04because if I did this,
29:05that's weird. It's horrible, right? But
29:08if I was speaking even to camera and
29:10this is going out to many if there's one
29:11thing you remember, make sure you and
29:14it's subtle, quick, and then moving away
29:16from it.
29:17>> Okay, here's the hot take though. Okay?
29:19This could be this could be a difference
29:21between men and women. I don't know. If
29:22I'm screenshot like this
29:26>> Don't do that face though.
29:28>> Okay, fine. If I'm If I'm
29:29>> [laughter]
29:30>> You're adding stuff. You're adding
29:32stuff.
29:33You're doing the voice and you're doing
29:34the face.
29:35>> fine.
29:36It's so close. So if I go
29:39right? Like this is beyond stage like
29:40this, I look like a school marm.
29:43I look like a
29:43>> what, sorry?
29:44>> school marm.
29:46>> What's a marm?
29:47>> [laughter]
29:48>> A marm, like a
29:50No. A school marm is like now little
29:53kitties, don't do that. Yeah, like like
29:56like like like
29:57you know, a school marm is like
29:59>> Good morning, Mrs. Jones. Yeah, right.
30:00>> Mrs. Yeah. So like if I'm if I'm
30:02screenshot or if I'm on stage and I'm
30:04going like this at you, like this
30:05>> adding again. You're doing that. I feel
30:08like you're adding. That's not fair.
30:10>> to point and you didn't say how. So what
30:12if they go like that?
30:13>> Yeah.
30:14No.
30:14>> Yeah. That doesn't say there's a
30:15difference.
30:15>> there is a difference. There is a
30:16difference.
30:16>> right. So fine fine. This
30:19>> I agree.
30:20>> this and not this. Okay?
30:22>> No one points like that. [laughter]
30:25Except morms.
30:26>> Marms.
30:27>> Marms.
30:28>> Yeah. [laughter]
30:29Okay, so
30:30>> be a marm.
30:30>> But so yeah. So fine. So I think like
30:32you could change your life. Fine.
30:34>> Yeah. Okay.
30:35>> But better
30:36>> Yeah.
30:36>> you could change your life.
30:39>> Or if you want to go a little harder,
30:41you could change your life.
30:43[laughter]
30:45But either way, I think the lesson
30:46learned, don't be a marm. Marm. Marm.
30:49It's a marm. I've never heard of that
30:51word in my entire life.
30:52>> Look at this. We're just learning all
30:54day today. Okay, we're ready for the
30:55next one. Okay. [laughter]
30:58I'm glad we disagree on the point. I
30:59really do feel strongly about that.
31:00>> I know you do. You you made it very
31:02clear. [laughter]
31:04Yeah, I don't think you could have made
31:05it clearer.
31:05>> Okay. Why do people lose interest
31:07halfway through my story?
31:09>> I feel like because it's going too long.
31:11I I I think often stories go too long.
31:13You're taking too long to set up the
31:14incident, the peak of the moment. So the
31:17easiest fix for that is while you're
31:18storytelling, think of the three peaks.
31:21There are three peaks. There are there's
31:22the emotional peak. So identify the
31:24emotional moment in the moment of the
31:26story and only tell the
31:28the moment around the peak emotion or
31:29the peak action moment. When did most of
31:31the action happen? Focus on that
31:33>> Mhm.
31:34>> or where the lesson was learned.
31:35>> Mhm.
31:36>> And then if you just tell me the story
31:38around the peak emotion, the peak
31:39action, or the peak inside,
31:41>> Mhm.
31:42>> don't tell me what happened the day
31:43before or anything. That's beautiful.
31:45>> Mhm.
31:45>> That's how movies do it.
31:46>> Yes.
31:47>> They take you straight into a scene.
31:48They don't give you context of that No,
31:52they straight into a scene.
31:53>> Mhm.
31:53>> And I find that to be the most exciting
31:54way to tell a story.
31:56>> Okay, totally agreed. And should it be a
31:58story?
32:00Should it be?
32:00>> Yeah.
32:01>> I mean, if you're telling a story and
32:02you told it multiple times especially,
32:04and people aren't paying attention,
32:05maybe it shouldn't be a story.
32:06>> Mhm.
32:07>> Right? Maybe it's a point. Right? Like
32:08there's a very big difference between,
32:09oh, I have this whole setup and here's
32:11what I learned.
32:12>> Mhm.
32:12>> So I think that assertive people use
32:14constructive language. And constructive
32:16language is sharing, what do you
32:18believe? I'm confident that.
32:20>> Mhm.
32:20>> And so ask yourself, does it need to be
32:22a story or can you just give them the
32:24learning? I also think that setting
32:26yourself up for success with what's
32:28called an information gap. So before you
32:30even tell your story, tell me what I 'm
32:32about to take away from it. So um uh
32:34this is like creating an information gap
32:36is this, the The thing happened to me
32:37yesterday.
32:38>> Mm.
32:39>> The worst piece of advice I've ever
32:41gotten.
32:42>> Mm.
32:43>> The best conversation starter I got
32:44yesterday, let me tell you what it was.
32:46>> Mm.
32:47>> I am giving you an information gap. I'm
32:49telling you you're about to learn
32:50something best, worst, embarrassing,
32:52weird, surprising.
32:53>> Mm.
32:54>> And then you're hooked into the story
32:55cuz you want to know the end of it.
32:56Versus
32:58So yesterday [clears throat]
32:59I was driving on the 101 and I don't
33:01know where we're going.
33:03I don't know where we're going, but if I
33:04know that you're going to tell me the
33:05weirdest thing happened to you, then I'm
33:07in.
33:07>> That's very aligned with how we consume
33:09our content now.
33:10>> Yes.
33:10>> Because the best performing pieces of
33:12content do that.
33:12>> Yes.
33:13>> Yeah.
33:13>> Yes. So hook them, create an information
33:16gap, and then do the three peaks.
33:17[clears throat]
33:17>> Mm.
33:18And final thing I would say is don't be
33:20afraid of storytelling too, because if
33:22you want to create emotion, if you want
33:25people to feel, there are times we need
33:27to do it, right? It's not meant for
33:29every single occasion, but I feel like
33:30when you want to be
33:32influential from the perspective of
33:34emotion, I think that's what stories
33:36bring out.
33:36>> Yeah.
33:37>> Whereas a lot of Instagram videos I
33:38watch, for example, if it's kind of, you
33:40know, three quick tips, I don't feel
33:42anything while I'm watching it. I get a
33:43really good insight, but I don't feel
33:45it. And I think people remember more
33:47when they feel. It's why when we watch a
33:49movie, we remember what happens. It's
33:51why when someone story tells on stage, a
33:52great speaker story tells on stage, we
33:55remember the lessons more because
33:57they've weaved stories into it. Whereas
33:59if it was a 1-hour presentation and 48
34:01tips,
34:02>> Yeah.
34:03>> you'd probably struggle to remember
34:04five.
34:04>> Can I tell you a story?
34:05>> Yeah.
34:06>> Okay, so this is exactly how
34:07>> what we should do.
34:08>> Okay, I'll tell you a story. Okay, so
34:09this is the worst speaking moment I've
34:11ever had. Do you see what I just did
34:12there? I created an information gap. Do
34:14you see what I did there? Okay.
34:15>> Yeah, I can't wait to hear yours.
34:16>> this is the worst, the worst. I get to
34:17the venue, very big presentation. We
34:20plug in my computer.
34:21The slides don't work.
34:23The slides do not work. Now, I was very
34:25slide-heavy in this presentation, and
34:26they're like, so sorry, you're going to
34:27have to give your presentation without
34:28your slides. And I was like, my
34:30presentation is my slides.
34:32It was all I have a lot of data, right?
34:33I'm a researcher. So it's like data and
34:35slides and graphs. They're like, sorry,
34:36it doesn't work. You're going on.
34:38So I get on stage and I have to give a
34:4060-minute presentation just from memory,
34:42but also I had no data to show, no gaps.
34:45So what I did is I just told every lab
34:47study like a story
34:49because all I could remember. I couldn't
34:51show them anything. So I was like, okay,
34:53so first there's this word study and I
34:55was telling lots of stories from my own
34:56life, stories from my students because I
34:58I didn't have my outline. Highest rated
35:00speech I had ever gotten.
35:03>> Wow.
35:04>> And I realized in that moment that I had
35:06been giving exactly what you just said,
35:0748 tips.
35:0948 different tips.
35:10And no one remembered anything.
35:11>> Yeah.
35:12>> Because it was all information and no
35:14inspiration.
35:16And that I think is the key in a good
35:18story and a good presentation is you're
35:19trying to give information, what did you
35:21learn, what was the takeaway, but also
35:22you're trying to give inspiration and
35:23that's the emotion piece.
35:25>> I
35:26completely agree with you and I I think
35:28I I I think of it four ingredients I
35:30think are super powerful in a
35:31presentation. I think you've you've got
35:32to have the entertainment, the
35:34storytelling. I think you've got to have
35:36the inspiration, right? That's again how
35:38you deliver the information, your your
35:39vocal delivery and your body language. I
35:41think education, that's the tips.
35:42>> Yeah. And I was all education. Yeah,
35:45yeah, yeah.
35:45>> And that's what happened. And then when
35:46then I went the other way really hard. I
35:47went all entertainment. And then it's
35:49the people are like, oh, it's what what
35:50is fluffy? Yeah.
35:52We know each other. And then it it feels
35:54that way. And and then so so I think of
35:56it 30%
35:57entertainment, 30% inspiration, 30%
35:59education, and then 10% you. Your X
36:02factor.
36:02>> Yeah.
36:03>> And then that 's how you create that
36:04wonderful mix and that's how I think
36:06about a presentation now. So don't go
36:07too heavy on one or the other.
36:09Otherwise you get called fluffy or you
36:11get called oh, it's too information
36:12dense or like I didn't come to see a
36:14magic show, right? And then yeah.
36:16>> Okay, and on top of that, so 30 30 30 30
36:2030 10. Perfect. In that, warmth and
36:23competence.
36:24>> I love that. I love this lesson so much.
36:26>> So so in that, in your education, let's
36:28take the education,
36:29it's not just stats, stats, stats,
36:32research, research, research. No, it's
36:35case study about a student who used it,
36:37then research, then a funny gif, then
36:40then data about it, then a takeaway. So
36:43you're even in those quadrants, you are
36:45bouncing between and I like every other
36:47minute.
36:48>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:48>> My advanced speakers that I work with, I
36:50want every minute we're switching
36:51between warmth and competence.
36:52>> Oh.
36:52>> And so in that framework, you're also
36:54trying to bounce between warm, story,
36:57case study, feeling, friend, laughter
37:00moment, vulnerability. Those are your
37:01warmth options and there's warm body
37:02language too. So warm body language can
37:04be nodding, it could be head tilting, it
37:06could be So those are all warm. You
37:07could add warm nonverbal. And then
37:08competent. Stat, data, research, uh
37:12quantifying something, purposeful hand
37:14gesture. Those are all competent.
37:15>> And that's so cool to see Vanessa switch
37:17between the two. The moment she went
37:19from warm, voice changed completely,
37:21body language changed completely. And
37:22then the moment she went to competent,
37:24voice sharper,
37:26declarative It's so cool.
37:27>> Yeah. Yeah.
37:28>> And I think if if you're sitting there
37:29thinking, I could never do this, you
37:31can. You just got to practice.
37:32>> Yeah, yeah. You can.
37:32>> These are skills.
37:33>> Yeah. And in your if if you want to
37:35practice that that skill specifically,
37:37start with your slides. Even if you
37:38don't show slides, just do them for
37:39yourself. Warm slide, competent warm
37:41slide, warm slide. So all my
37:42presentations, they're 50/50.
37:43>> Yeah.
37:44>> So do warm competent, warm competent.
37:45Then if you're going to do a script or
37:46bullets, highlight blue for warm and
37:49yellow for comp blue for competent,
37:51yellow for warm. So you are practicing
37:54in the script delivering. So like for
37:56example, if we were to open Vin's book,
37:57right? Okay, so this is uh chapter nine,
37:59posture, what your body says first.
38:01Okay, so this is a warm story. I'm going
38:02to tell it warm.
38:03There's a guy at my gym I avoided for an
38:05entire year.
38:07You know the type. Now we're going to
38:08switch to competent. Arms so big, they
38:10don't quite hang straight. Shoulders
38:12that made his t-shirt look two sizes too
38:14small. Earphones always in. Right? So
38:16like going from like soft to more
38:18declarative. Right? So you can take
38:20anything and you can practice with it.
38:21It helps if the content matches, but you
38:23can do that with your own content.
38:25>> That's so practical. I I I I I adore it.
38:27And and I think the the
38:29I've got one too. I have a massive mess
38:31up and I made the error.
38:32>> What happened?
38:33>> I I went to an event and the event
38:36organizer, this dude won't say his name,
38:38but he was being really mean to me right
38:40from the start. Right from the start,
38:42super mean. I was like, this is like
38:43what this is uncalled for, man. And I
38:45didn't say that. I just felt it.
38:47>> Yeah, yeah.
38:47>> And then I went along with it and just
38:49continued to be mean to me. They got me
38:50miked up. I'm miked up. I'm ready to go.
38:53I'm sitting there. I'm like, why like
38:54you must be having a really bad day.
38:55>> mad for I'm like mad on your behalf.
38:57>> I I yeah, I was also mad for me. And
39:00yeah, I I then did the worst thing
39:03though.
39:04So then I'm sitting there. I'm miked up.
39:06I'm with one of my mates. He's sitting
39:07there and I'm like,
39:08man, that guy's a complete wanker.
39:11The mic was live.
39:14I hear the voice. I hear wanker, wanker,
39:17wanker, wanker.
39:19I offsided the entire team,
39:22the entire audience.
39:25And I got a guy WELCOME VIN JANE.
39:27[applause]
39:29NONE OF MY jokes landed. I did 45
39:32minutes of coldness.
39:33>> People didn't
39:34>> So so because people then always ask me
39:35they go, Vin, how did you recover? How
39:36do you recover from that? You don't,
39:38mate.
39:39You don't. You just eat it.
39:41>> My story ended really well. Your story
39:43ended really bad.
39:44>> Yeah, there was no good ending. And
39:46there's no recovery. There's no If you
39:48don't make a big deal out of it, they
39:49won't make a big deal out of it because
39:51everybody made a big deal out of it.
39:53And it was just it was the
39:54>> regret not addressing it?
39:56>> I
39:57>> not addressing it?
39:57>> I I I do because it was super
39:59unprofessional of me.
40:00>> I wonder I wonder.
40:00>> It it was early in my I mean, I I I
40:02meant it.
40:03>> Yeah.
40:03>> But I I didn't need to say it.
40:05>> Right.
40:05>> So I thought but I thought I was saying
40:07it in private.
40:07>> Totally.
40:08>> I really thought I was saying it in
40:09private. And I just Oh, [sighs] man.
40:13>> You know what though? It's a great story
40:15and because you shared it, someone at
40:17home won't make it.
40:18>> [laughter]
40:19>> Thank you. Thank you.
40:20>> that's the reframe is like the gift that
40:22there's always a hot mic.
40:23>> And I think there's always someone's
40:25always listening.
40:26>> there's always a hot mic.
40:26>> there's someone's always listening. And
40:28I think you Vanessa just did something
40:30so beautiful as a part of storytelling
40:32too is she she turned a story into a
40:35lesson and it it was now meaningful.
40:38Whereas what we also do with stories is
40:39we tell the story and we go, oh, that's
40:40it.
40:41>> Right.
40:42Right. Right. What a waste.
40:43Waste.
40:44>> Yeah. Whereas you turned that into a
40:46wonderful little nugget for everybody.
40:47>> I was also curious like I I
40:48>> genuinely, I think also, like, in
40:50storytelling, the listener has the
40:52opportunity to go one click deeper,
40:53because typically a storyteller has
40:55practiced that story and told it before.
40:58So my [snorts] always my goal is if I'm
40:59listening to a story is, could I ask
41:01this person a question they've never
41:02been asked about this story? And so I
41:05would I was genuinely curious, do you
41:07wish you had addressed it? And then we
41:08got we got a little deeper.
41:09>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:10>> Like about that. And so like
41:11>> sorry. Did I wish I addressed it?
41:13>> Uh-huh.
41:14>> I I wish I did.
41:15>> Yeah.
41:16>> Because I think when the problem is big
41:17enough, you have to call it out. Whereas
41:19I was through of the mindset, don't make
41:21it a big deal of it, pretend it didn't
41:22happen, pretend it didn't happen. It was
41:23such a big deal. And it was
41:26>> So so so
41:27>> How could I have navigated that?
41:29>> You You would have had to have addressed
41:30it and apologized and and apologized
41:32right at the start.
41:32>> Do you think they would have forgiven
41:33me?
41:35>> I think if you had said,
41:37well, that was embarrassing.
41:38>> Yeah.
41:39>> Uh, just so you know, you shouldn't
41:40insult people when the mic is on.
41:43>> I'm a wanker.
41:44[laughter]
41:45Guess who's the real wanker?
41:46>> It might have worked. You might have won
41:48them.
41:48>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:49>> But we don't know. But we don't know,
41:50right? We don't know. We can't go back.
41:52And so I don't like living with regret.
41:53So like we don't know.
41:54>> [laughter]
41:55>> I'll give it another go. Vanessa said it
41:57would work.
41:58She said it would You should like me
42:00now.
42:01[laughter] She She's in New York best
42:02time seller, damn it.
42:04>> New York Times best selling?
42:06>> Yeah, best Yeah, best selling author,
42:07sorry.
42:08>> Can we get that You're going to get it
42:09in two weeks, so you better get it
42:10right.
42:12So [laughter]
42:12>> Okay.
42:13>> So so I So one is ask the deeper
42:15question, so like the storyteller,
42:16right? And and two, I think yes, a gift
42:19for for a listener is like, can you help
42:23give them a reframe on that story?
42:24Because you know that storyteller.
42:26You've replayed that a thousand times.
42:29And now because you shared it, no one's
42:31going to do that.
42:32>> Thank you. Or I might do it again and
42:35just test what happens when I try to do
42:36the recovery for
42:38for research so that I can understand
42:40whether or not that works.
42:41>> and we're good.
42:42Okay, here we go.
42:44How do I deal with nervousness when
42:45talking to people?
42:48First of all, first of all, first of
42:49all,
42:50>> Okay.
42:50>> when do you actually now
42:53>> currently, feel nervous talking to
42:54people?
42:55>> Me?
42:55>> Yeah.
42:56>> Meeting you?
42:57>> Not really.
42:57>> Yeah. Meeting you, meeting, meeting my
43:00heroes on this trip, Lewis Howes, Jay
43:02Shetty.
43:03I, before I met Lewis Howes, I went to
43:06the toilet four times.
43:07>> Oh, and he's so sweet.
43:08>> happened on the fourth one.
43:10[laughter] Nothing even happened. I was
43:11standing there I was like, why am I
43:12here?
43:13>> And he's like the kindest, sweetest
43:14person. It's like he didn't love
43:16I know, and he's so calm too.
43:18>> so that's and I wasn't
43:19>> You were really nervous? Oh my
43:20>> I was really I was I was nervous meeting
43:22you this morning. I think I I I feel
43:24nervous because I
43:27I've I've I've looked up to you for so
43:29long. I've looked up to all so many of
43:30these people for so long and I just
43:33this feels still feels really surreal
43:34for me to be here.
43:35>> Oh my gosh. So what did you what do you
43:36do what do you do do? How did you deal
43:38with the nervousness? Like I'm actually
43:39like you're genuinely curious. This is
43:41like not this is not theoretical.
43:42>> I I I I feel like in your
43:45example, you did so much to help me feel
43:48comfortable so quickly. Because the
43:50moment I met you, I was nervous and you
43:52went, GIVE ME A HUG. And I was thank you
43:54for leaving that because I didn't know
43:55what I did. Are you a shaker or you a
43:56hugger?
43:57So I
43:57>> I I almost WhatsApped you. I almost
44:00before we met said, we should plan out,
44:01are we going to fist bump, handshake, or
44:03high five, or hug as a joke.
44:04>> Right.
44:05>> But I thought it was funny if we planned
44:06it all out, but then I was like, no, no,
44:07no, I haven't met him yet. Like let's
44:09just do it real. I thought I thought I
44:10was almost texted you that.
44:11>> But you helped me. You helped me in that
44:13moment. So so so for me
44:16to not be nervous, I always think, how
44:18can I add the most value to the person
44:21I'm about to meet.
44:22>> Yes.
44:22>> And I get out of my own head. Because I
44:24always remember the lesson, we become
44:26self-conscious because we're focusing on
44:28the self.
44:29>> Yeah.
44:29>> Right? And then the more you think about
44:31yourself, the more nervous you're going
44:32to become. Because that's that's the
44:34self-consciousness. So how can I serve
44:37Vanessa today? How can I be the best for
44:38Vanessa today? How can I add the most
44:39value to her, what she's trying to
44:41achieve?
44:41>> Very other focused.
44:42>> Yeah. And then that just now I'm not in
44:44my head.
44:45>> Totally.
44:45>> Now I'm trying to help you and support
44:47you.
44:48>> And I felt it. I was like I felt like
44:49you're here to just like play with me
44:51and like hang out. Okay, I love yours.
44:52Can I add my strategy? Very weird and
44:55different.
44:55>> Okay.
44:56>> This is fabulous. Like if you can be
44:58other focused, I love it. But sometimes
45:00even me that is almost too much
45:02pressure. Yes, I love being of service,
45:04but even that is like what if I can't do
45:05that? Cuz then like I get in my head of
45:07like what if I can't even be helpful?
45:09>> Wow, you're super awkward.
45:10>> Yeah. Yeah, so I'm cuz I'm like I'm like
45:13I better be helpful. I better be
45:14helpful. And I don't know if I have any
45:16A type people listening, but like I'm an
45:18overachiever A type. And so like I want
45:20to be the best. So then I'm like I got
45:22to be the best helper. Even the service
45:24mentality is wonderful, but that can
45:25even trigger a little bit of my
45:27awkwardness. So what I do as a little
45:29mental trick is I found that my
45:31awkwardness comes from aimlessness.
45:33>> Mm.
45:34>> Like
45:35if I'm nervous, it's cuz I don't know
45:36what to do or say.
45:37>> Mm, lack of clarity.
45:37>> Yeah, lack of clarity. I don't have a
45:39blueprint. It's one of the reasons why I
45:41have a blueprint in the book is because
45:42I have to be extremely intentional with
45:44a plan. If I have a plan, we're good. So
45:47my the way I get rid of my awkwardness
45:50or nervousness is I'm like I want to get
45:52to level two with Ben today.
45:54>> Okay.
45:55>> I want to know him past what I could
45:56Google search. So in in all
45:58conversation, there's three levels of
45:59connection. General traits, which is
46:01basically what you can Google about
46:02someone.
46:02>> Mm-hmm.
46:03>> Personal concerns, core values,
46:05motivations, worries, goals. And then
46:07self narrative, the story you tell
46:08yourself about yourself. This is how we
46:10structure a conversation. Today I'm like
46:12if I can get to level two with Ben, I'll
46:15feel like I get to know him more deeply.
46:16Like he gets to know me more deeply.
46:18That plan helps me feel less nervous.
46:20>> Why not level three?
46:22>> We could do level three.
46:25We probably are hinting at it today. So
46:28level three is the story you tell
46:29yourself about yourself.
46:30>> Yeah.
46:31>> It's how it's how you Ben makes sense of
46:35your journey and purpose in the world.
46:37It's how you would answer the question
46:38>> so that's pretty
46:39>> how did you get to where you are today?
46:41>> Gosh.
46:41>> Right. It's a very very deep question.
46:44And I would totally go there with you.
46:46But I I'm like could do we have the
46:49time? Do we have the space?
46:50Vulnerability wise happy to do it. So
46:52like I would say like if I'm seeing an
46:55old friend, like an old friend, that's
46:57what I'm like, today we're doing level
46:58three.
46:59>> Mm.
47:00>> Right? I'm like, let's like skip the
47:01updates of like, how are the kids?
47:03>> we stay in updates.
47:04>> We stay in updates. So a lot of the
47:05times when I'm seeing my old friends or
47:07I'm seeing family, I'm like, no level
47:09one today.
47:09>> You say that to them?
47:10>> Yeah.
47:11>> I love that.
47:11>> I'm like, no level one, and I give them
47:13the book. I'm like, you got to get to
47:14level three. We're going there together.
47:15Right? So like I that's a piece of it.
47:16Um and we can do that with questions, we
47:18can do that with intention. So that's
47:19how I get rid of my nervousness about
47:20questions.
47:24>> Maybe you have lunch. Yeah. We we're
47:26we're going to talk about tables.
47:27>> Yeah.
47:28>> To no yeah, and legs. You have no
47:30context what that means, but we're
47:31definitely going there. We're definitely
47:33going there. Okay, last one. I'm going
47:34to grab this. So how do I give a
47:37powerful presentation? So we spoke about
47:39voice, we spoke about body language
47:40already.
47:41I feel like structure is really
47:43important.
47:43>> Let's do it.
47:44>> So I think we both professionally speak.
47:46And when I think of a presentation, I
47:48think of it in in what I call modules. A
47:52module is made of certain ingredients.
47:54So the first ingredient in a module I
47:56feel is an engagement device.
47:58And what I mean by engagement device is
48:00a story. That's an engagement device.
48:02You mentioned one with a GIF,
48:04right? You also can do a video. You can
48:07vulnerability, yeah, and and through
48:08stories, right? And then you can also
48:10share uh pictures. You can also share
48:13analogies, metaphors, similes. You see
48:15people do this on podcasts all the time
48:16now. You bring a prop.
48:17>> We do a lot of metaphors. Yeah, we do
48:18props. Yeah, yeah.
48:19>> got props. So those are all engagement
48:21devices. You can share something funny.
48:23There's so many engagement devices that
48:25you can do. You can get the audience to
48:25do an activity,
48:26>> Yeah.
48:27>> right? Then the skill is from the
48:30engagement device, you have to link it
48:32to your point.
48:34So what is the point? So you do you do a
48:36massive activity that shows the
48:38importance of confident body language
48:40and you go, and that's why confident
48:41body language is so important, and
48:43that's what I want to speak about. And
48:45then after you link it to the point,
48:47then after that you share your content.
48:49And your content might have one, two,
48:50three, or four, or five parts. And
48:52that's you you sharing one module.
48:54>> Mm.
48:54>> So I think about it in a very simple
48:55way, and that that's that's that's the
48:58important way to structure a module.
48:59>> Mhm.
49:00>> So then in a 1 hour presentation,
49:01>> Mhm.
49:02>> I think of it as
49:04you've got 60 minutes,
49:05break it up into 4 15 minute sections.
49:07>> Yep.
49:08>> So how do you do it? So introduction, so
49:10intro,
49:11that's 7.5 minutes.
49:14And that's your intro. So you start with
49:16the intro, then after that you've got
49:17module
49:19one, and then you've got module two,
49:21module three, and then you got
49:22conclusion.
49:25Which is 7 and 1/2 minutes.
49:26>> Great, great. Mhm.
49:27>> It's a simple frame to use. So in an
49:30hour,
49:31don't share more than three things if
49:34you can help it.
49:34>> Mhm.
49:35>> I find that it's it's overwhelmed for
49:36people.
49:37>> Because you're also adding in each piece
49:38of it. You're adding in the engagement,
49:40the point, the links. You have to have
49:41time to do it, right? Right, right,
49:42right.
49:42>> to have time to And And that's what
49:43makes a presentation feel like this.
49:46>> Uh-huh.
49:46>> It just flies by. And then And then
49:48change the engagement devices. Don't do
49:50the same one for every single one.
49:51Otherwise it feels story heavy.
49:54>> Mhm.
49:54>> It's You got a story in your intro, then
49:56you got a story in module one, story
49:57again, story again, story again. It's
49:58too much. Too much story. So vary it up.
50:00>> Yeah.
50:01>> And And that takes pressure off
50:02yourself. I always love in module two, I
50:04play a video. I strategically play a
50:06video.
50:07>> I do too. It's funny.
50:08>> That's awesome because then you got You
50:10got a
50:1040 second video you play. Go drink.
50:13Drink water. Right? Make sure You can
50:15fix issues.
50:16>> my hair.
50:17>> Yeah, okay. I make sure I look at my
50:19slides. So I can get a bit of a glimpse
50:20of like, oh yeah, okay, I'm on track
50:21with where I'm going.
50:22>> than fixing your hair.
50:23>> Well, it depends.
50:24>> It depends.
50:25>> It depends.
50:25>> It's true.
50:26>> It depends.
50:27So I think this is what I use. And I
50:30vary up the engagement devices a lot.
50:32>> Yeah.
50:32>> And when I think I've only got 30
50:34minutes, then I only share two modules.
50:37>> Yeah.
50:37>> Right? I do a quick intro, two modules.
50:39>> Right.
50:39>> If I got 15 minutes, share one.
50:40>> something to your beautiful drawing. So
50:41also this is
50:43This is also where you're bouncing
50:45between warmth and competence.
50:46>> Yeah, yeah.
50:46>> So one engagement is warm, right?
50:48>> Oh.
50:52>> Yeah, I'm not even going to write
50:53anymore. My writing is terrible. So
50:54like, you're varying your engagement
50:56size between warmth and warmth and
50:57competence. And this is how you can
50:57think about it. It's like, okay, I have
50:59a personal story from my childhood.
51:00Super warm. The next one cannot be that.
51:03>> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
51:03>> The next one has to be a story from a
51:05lap or or a a case study with your data
51:08or research, right? So you're bouncing
51:10more than one competence in your
51:11engagement device. Then in your content,
51:13all those little bullet points, you're
51:15also doing W's and C's. If you could do
51:16W's and C's in those little bullet
51:17points, W C W C, right? So like warm GIF
51:21or GIF, I don't know how you say it. Uh
51:22that then like GIF GIF. Good good.
51:24>> It's a giraffe, not GIF giraffe.
51:26>> Okay okay. I
51:27That's actually very helpful. That's
51:29[laughter] a good memory device.
51:29>> No no no. Most people are going to say I
51:31said it wrong.
51:32>> What?
51:32>> 100%
51:33>> The hot take on the whole video. The
51:34whole takeaway from the video is how to
51:35say that. Yeah yeah.
51:36>> or you how do you say?
51:37>> GIF.
51:38>> GIF. Yeah.
51:39>> Okay yeah. Um so so um you also like an
51:43example of this is I teach a lot of
51:44science. So I might say the study with
51:46the numbers. Then I might tell the study
51:48as if I was a participant. Then I might
51:49have the audience play the study.
51:51>> Mm.
51:51>> Then I might show a video of the study
51:53when it was videoed. Then right? So I
51:55might do a graphic or cartoon. So you're
51:56also bouncing more than competence.
51:58That's what I wanted to add.
51:58>> That's such a big lesson that I'm going
52:00to take away from this. And thank you
52:01for sharing that, Vanessa, because I
52:02think I'm I'm very I'm very much
52:04weighted here. I'm 70% that, only 30%
52:07this. And um
52:08>> opposite. I'm 70% content, 30% warm. On
52:11stage, I'm like I feel like I'm not
52:13giving enough if I'm not doing all the
52:15competence, which is not true. Yeah.
52:17>> I just feel like I'm not engaging enough
52:19if I'm not enough there.
52:20>> Yeah that's And we're both right.
52:22>> This has been so crazy. We've been
52:23nerding out like
52:25crazy and we haven't been able to I'm
52:27learning. I'm learning so much. I just
52:29learned this thing right here.
52:30>> I know.
52:31>> And I I feel like we got to keep going.
52:33We got to empty that jar.
52:34>> Yeah. I saw good ones. I'm like peeking
52:36at them and I'm like they're really
52:37>> I can kind of see that one. I want to go
52:38that one next.
52:39>> good.
52:39>> And I think we're going to continue the
52:41rest of this video on Vanessa's channel.
52:44So if you want to see the next part of
52:45this video, you got to go have to go to
52:47her channel and subscribe to her channel
52:49and go watch the rest of it there. And
52:50before you leave us, you should get a
52:53copy of both of our books. And the
52:56reason being is because
52:58>> they look together.
52:59>> They do. The blue and the green.
53:00>> come on. Meant to be.
53:01>> Bloody beautiful if you ask me. But I I
53:04I think the the most beautiful metaphor
53:05I can think of is people often don't
53:06know what to say.
53:07>> Mm.
53:08>> That's here.
53:08>> Mm.
53:09>> And then once you know what to say, come
53:11over here and learn how to say it.
53:12>> Say it.
53:12>> Come over here and learn how to say it.
53:14We'll see you on the other channel.
53:15>> We're going to change outfits for you.
53:17>> I know.
53:18We're going to both be beautiful.
53:19>> you bring a second outfit.
53:20>> No, she made me bring three.
53:21>> I did.
53:22>> I brought three and she said change
53:24shoes. You don't even see my shoes.
53:25>> WHAT IF I DON'T like it?
53:26>> Yeah.
53:28>> So good. I said bring three.
53:29>> What if I don't like yours?
53:31>> I have three.
53:31>> Controversial. Okay, okay, okay.
53:33I would never say that out loud. See you
53:35in the next channel.
53:36Bye.

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of We Solve Your Biggest Communication Problems (feat. Vanessa Van Edwards) by Vinh Giang, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 12,702 words across 2,090 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

What you can do with it

Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to choose a caption track available on the video.

Free YouTube transcript tool

YouTube2Text is a free YouTube transcript generator — no signup, no daily limit. Paste any YouTube link and get the full transcript instantly, with timestamps, click-to-jump, caption language selection, AI prompts for ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, and exports to TXT, SRT, VTT, or Markdown.