Wasted: Exposing the Family Effect of Addiction | Sam Fowler | TEDxFurmanU — Transcript

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1. 0:00[Music]
2. 0:03I have some people that I would like you
3. 0:12guys to meet this is my family now for a
4. 0:18while I felt that my family was
5. 0:20different now I know what you're
6. 0:22thinking you look at this picture and
7. 0:23you think they don't look different they
8. 0:25look perfect and polished and happy well
9. 0:28I felt different for a very long time
10. 0:31the reason I felt this way is because of
11. 0:34the little boy on the left side of the
12. 0:36screen that is my oldest brother he was
13. 0:40diagnosed with the disease five years
14. 0:41ago and it's changed my life in ways
15. 0:44that I couldn't fathom before the
16. 0:47disease I'm referring to his addiction
17. 0:50my oldest brother is an addict and he's
18. 0:53been struggling with substance abuse for
19. 0:56about five years now now it's really
20. 0:58important for me to frame this to you as
21. 1:00a disease because that's exactly what it
22. 1:02is it's been a really long time for me
23. 1:04to grapple with that idea in my head
24. 1:06when I first heard about addiction and
25. 1:08saw it in action I thought it was
26. 1:11something monstrous scary but my brother
27. 1:14described it to me in this way he told
28. 1:17me that it feels like if someone put a
29. 1:19cup of water in front of you and you
30. 1:21haven't had a drink in three days you're
31. 1:24incredibly thirsty then they try to have
32. 1:27a conversation with you while sitting
33. 1:28right next to it odds are you're not
34. 1:31gonna care about what they're saying
35. 1:32about the relationship or about how
36. 1:35you're behaving the only thing you can
37. 1:38think about is having that glass of
38. 1:39water now imagine if you were in that
39. 1:42kind of survival mode all the time how
40. 1:46you would act and how you would think
41. 1:47and how you would feel this survival
42. 1:53mode is what has caused a lot of
43. 1:56internal psychological repercussions in
44. 1:58my family I learned about all of this
45. 2:01when I first went to a rehab when I was
46. 2:03in high school as far as my friends knew
47. 2:05I was on a fun beach vacation in Palm
48. 2:08Beach on my snapchat it was all pictures
49. 2:11of palm trees and the pool
50. 2:12and fun but in reality we were going to
51. 2:15rehab for a family weekend had addiction
52. 2:19center that's where they told me
53. 2:22something that changed my life forever
54. 2:23they told me that addiction is actually
55. 2:26more dangerous for family members than
56. 2:29for the addict themself and I know that
57. 2:32doesn't make much sense it didn't make
58. 2:33any sense to me at all
59. 2:35I didn't understand how a drug that I
60. 2:38wasn't using could be dangerous to me
61. 2:42over the years it unfolded and they
62. 2:45understood why the reason this is is
63. 2:47because in the very worst moments of
64. 2:50addiction and the overdoses and the
65. 2:53relapses the suicide threats the addict
66. 2:57is numb
67. 2:58they're completely unconscious to who
68. 3:01they are and what they're feeling but
69. 3:04the family is sober not only do they
70. 3:08have to watch somebody that they love
71. 3:09turn into somebody that they don't know
72. 3:12but they also have to watch them turn
73. 3:15into somebody that they might fear which
74. 3:17is what I've experienced I first
75. 3:20experienced the psychological effects of
76. 3:22the family disease that I like to call
77. 3:25addiction when I was 16 years old I was
78. 3:3016 I woke up one morning my parents were
79. 3:33out of town and my other brother was
80. 3:34gone as well and it was just me and my
81. 3:37oldest brother in the house I was
82. 3:39ecstatic because we were finally at that
83. 3:41age where we could be friends and we
84. 3:43could start getting to know each other
85. 3:44on a deeper level I woke up that morning
86. 3:46with plans of what we were gonna do that
87. 3:48day how we were gonna spend it bonding
88. 3:51and doing our favorite activities I went
89. 3:53to his room to wake him up for a brunch
90. 3:55reservations knocked on his door and
91. 3:58there was no answer so I walked in
92. 4:01that's when I saw him on the bed
93. 4:04motionless I thought he was just
94. 4:06sleeping so I went over and sat on his
95. 4:09bed that's when I saw him trying to
96. 4:12murmur words to me that didn't make any
97. 4:14sense and he was trying to move and cut
98. 4:17in and I felt his hand it was cold and
99. 4:22it was beating so
100. 4:23slow his heartbeat it's going so slow at
101. 4:29that moment the only thought in my head
102. 4:31was is my brother dying I'm sixteen I
103. 4:35don't know what that looks like I don't
104. 4:36know if this is an overdose or relapse
105. 4:38he's just sleepy I couldn't tell but I
106. 4:41knew I was too small to pick him up and
107. 4:44put him anywhere and taking the hospital
108. 4:46I didn't know who to call or what to do
109. 4:48and the only thing I could think is how
110. 4:50do I save my brother's life at that
111. 4:55moment I couldn't decide anymore if I
112. 4:57wanted to have a childhood I couldn't
113. 4:59decide if I cared about who I was taking
114. 5:02to homecoming that weekend or if I had a
115. 5:05math test on Monday
116. 5:06all of those seeing things suddenly
117. 5:08seemed very arbitrary when it came to
118. 5:11something so life and death at that
119. 5:14moment everything changed and I started
120. 5:17to harbor these feelings of fear every
121. 5:20day it would be a happier story for me
122. 5:23to tell you that that was a one-time
123. 5:25occurrence but it wasn't that's
124. 5:28something that I've experienced so many
125. 5:30times over these past five years and my
126. 5:33family has as well
127. 5:34the phone calls and the suicide threats
128. 5:36and the terrifying moments when you
129. 5:38think it might be your last words to
130. 5:40that person now imagine with me for one
131. 5:43moment somebody you love more than
132. 5:45anything in the world imagine them in
133. 5:47your head now imagine if every morning
134. 5:51every night you woke up with the thought
135. 5:52I went to sleep with the thought that
136. 5:54they might be dead the next day imagine
137. 5:58what that would do I can tell you what
138. 6:01it did to me at first it was just
139. 6:03anxiety then it turned into chronic
140. 6:06anxiety and then chronic depression
141. 6:10eventually and recently and turned into
142. 6:12suicidal thoughts of my own which was
143. 6:15terrifying and even more recently
144. 6:18self-harm which is something I never
145. 6:21thought I would do to myself but
146. 6:24addiction and seeing it in action
147. 6:25effects your mind in a different way you
148. 6:28start to become numb to the idea of
149. 6:30death and you start to become numb to
150. 6:32these terrifying events more than that I
151. 6:35knew that
152. 6:36if I came and told my family what I was
153. 6:39feeling or if I went and told my friends
154. 6:41it would seem stupid because what do my
155. 6:44emotions matter when somebody's life is
156. 6:47at stake why should I share my
157. 6:50experience I thought of myself for a
158. 6:53very long time in one word a burden I
159. 6:58thought that I was going to be a burden
160. 7:00if I opened up and shared what I was
161. 7:02feeling I thought it didn't matter
162. 7:05I decided silently to myself that I
163. 7:08would be anonymous that I wouldn't talk
164. 7:11about it but no one was going to know
165. 7:13about this because I didn't want to put
166. 7:15any extra stress on my family and my
167. 7:18friends put them through anything more
168. 7:20than they needed to go through it wasn't
169. 7:23just me who decided to be anonymous my
170. 7:27family silently and collectively decided
171. 7:29to do this as well we thought together
172. 7:31this will be the best way to conquer
173. 7:34addiction we won't talk about it it'll
174. 7:37be hidden no one will know and we
175. 7:39continue life as normal the show must go
176. 7:43on same way it always has the reason we
177. 7:46started doing this at the beginning was
178. 7:48because we wanted to save my brother we
179. 7:50thought that anonymity would be the way
180. 7:52to make him safer to put him in the
181. 7:56shadows so that people wouldn't judge
182. 7:58him differently as see him differently
183. 8:00maybe that he would not get a job or his
184. 8:03friends would leave or something like
185. 8:05that
186. 8:05but then we started realizing it wasn't
187. 8:08working and maybe the real reason we
188. 8:11wanted to be anonymous wasn't to save
189. 8:13him but to save ourselves there's a
190. 8:16stigma against addiction in our culture
191. 8:18that we don't like to acknowledge we
192. 8:22like to think of families of addicts as
193. 8:25almost bad families often I hear when I
194. 8:29say that my brother's an addict people
195. 8:30ask me what happened in his childhood to
196. 8:32make him become an addict
197. 8:34what traumatic event triggered this
198. 8:36right well I'm here to say we were
199. 8:40raised the same way it could have easily
200. 8:42been me that became an addict and that I
201. 8:45just equate to luck
202. 8:48sometimes it's not necessarily about a
203. 8:50traumatic event or a bad family it is a
204. 8:53disease inside of your brain but having
205. 8:55that stigma for us and thinking that we
206. 8:57were going to be viewed as a bad family
207. 8:59and that we were all bad in some way may
208. 9:02just want to stay hidden it's not just
209. 9:06my family and I that decided that
210. 9:07Anonymous was the best way to go Society
211. 9:11has done that as well think about the
212. 9:13biggest weapons we have against
213. 9:15addiction in our society Alcoholics
214. 9:19Anonymous Narcotics Anonymous they even
215. 9:23have family groups but they're all
216. 9:25anonymous my question is why do we think
217. 9:30that this helps why do we want to stay
218. 9:34anonymous well I believe we only want
219. 9:37anonymity for two reasons the first is
220. 9:41fear we they're afraid of the addict of
221. 9:45what the disease is of what they've done
222. 9:47about what people think of us or we're
223. 9:51ashamed we're ashamed to have them in
224. 9:53our life that they're part of our family
225. 9:56that we might have done something to
226. 9:57caused them to be this way and that's
227. 10:00not true we're ashamed to recognize that
228. 10:03this is a part of our society and for me
229. 10:06I was ashamed to recognize that this was
230. 10:08a normal occurrence in my life that was
231. 10:11just something that was happening after
232. 10:14all the years of seeing how addiction
233. 10:16affects families I can tell you two
234. 10:18things number one I am Not Afraid of
235. 10:22addiction anymore
236. 10:24I'm not afraid number two I am certainly
237. 10:28not ashamed of my brother I love my
238. 10:31brother I think he's brilliant and the
239. 10:34fact that he has disease saddens me but
240. 10:37does not make me ashamed to call him my
241. 10:39brother and to have him in my family
242. 10:43what I propose is vulnerability we also
243. 10:49have a belief that vulnerability equates
244. 10:51to weakness we think of it as our
245. 10:54Achilles heel something that can
246. 10:56completely destroy us but I think
247. 10:59vulnerability might be the only way we
248. 11:01can fix the
249. 11:02I'm not here to necessarily bring
250. 11:04awareness to addiction if you've seen
251. 11:07addiction in your life you know what it
252. 11:09can do
253. 11:10you're pretty aware what I'm here to do
254. 11:14is to give it a face different than how
255. 11:16you've imagined it before as I bet when
256. 11:19you first came in here you might have
257. 11:20viewed it addiction as something dark
258. 11:22and scary and dirty but what if I told
259. 11:25you addiction looks something more like
260. 11:27this my family we keep addiction in the
261. 11:32dark and that is our biggest mistake
262. 11:35because addiction is an interesting
263. 11:37disease and that it completely thrives
264. 11:39in the darkness that's where it does its
265. 11:41absolute best work darkness thrives in
266. 11:45the darkness which is why I think we
267. 11:48need to bring this problem to light
268. 11:51vulnerability is amazing to me it's
269. 11:54absolute courage vulnerability is a
270. 11:57mother sitting down her child's like my
271. 12:00mother did last summer she held my hands
272. 12:04and I saw her cry for the first time in
273. 12:06my life when she cried she told me that
274. 12:09she was afraid never in my life have I
275. 12:12had more respect for another woman
276. 12:14than in that moment because to admit
277. 12:16you're afraid to a child somebody that
278. 12:19you've tried to be composed around for
279. 12:20so many years that means the world
280. 12:24phoner ability is watching your sister
281. 12:27talk about addiction and talk about your
282. 12:29family in front of you and hope that she
283. 12:31says the right thing vulnerability is
284. 12:34telling the world that you've self
285. 12:36harmed not knowing if they're gonna see
286. 12:38you differently to me that is not how I
287. 12:42show weakness
288. 12:43it's how I show strength through all of
289. 12:48this my anxiety and sadness hasn't
290. 12:52necessarily come from a place of worry
291. 12:54it's more come from a place of feeling
292. 12:56voiceless feeling completely unseen my
293. 13:01brother's expressed this to me as well
294. 13:03that not only does he feel voiceless but
295. 13:05that no one even cares to listen no one
296. 13:09cares well by listening to me today I
297. 13:13have to thank you
298. 13:14because you've given me a voice now if
299. 13:19everyone would do me a favor and please
300. 13:21take out your cell phone and turn on the
301. 13:23light and hold it up high like I said
302. 13:30addiction makes you feel voiceless I
303. 13:33think we need to give it a voice the
304. 13:39world that I envision to be perfect is
305. 13:41not one where we completely mask
306. 13:43everything bad and shove it to the
307. 13:45ground and pretend it doesn't exist the
308. 13:47world that I envisioned to be perfect is
309. 13:49one where we can say yes these awful
310. 13:51things happen has happened to me it's
311. 13:54probably happened to you and yet even
312. 13:57then we can be brave and strong and
313. 14:00we're going to continue because there is
314. 14:03so much love in this world in an ironic
315. 14:08twist fate tonight I am also celebrating
316. 14:11my 21st birthday well as you can imagine
317. 14:17there's not gonna be any alcohol in
318. 14:19celebration of my 21st birthday and I
319. 14:23could not care less
320. 14:24I really couldn't because while there
321. 14:27will be no alcohol tonight
322. 14:28the lack of alcohol there will be
323. 14:30absolutely no lack of love because in
324. 14:34the end I don't think my story's been
325. 14:35one about pain and sadness and fear it's
326. 14:40been about every single person along the
327. 14:42way who has encouraged me and supported
328. 14:44me and held me up when I thought I was
329. 14:46going to fall down
330. 14:47who have given me a backbone who have
331. 14:49been someone to cry to someone to hug
332. 14:51someone to love one that is what my
333. 14:55story's about it's all the people in
334. 14:58life in my life and in your life that
335. 15:01make life worth living an addiction
336. 15:04worth surviving thank you
337. 15:09[Applause]
338. 15:16[Music]