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Was It Actually Abuse… Or Am I Overreacting? The Psychology of Self-Doubt After Toxic Relationships — Transcript

by The Healthy Relationship Company · 2,698 words · 483 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00One of the most psychologically damaging
0:01things about emotionally harmful
0:03relationships is that they often don't
0:05leave people thinking, "That was
0:07definitely abuse." They leave people
0:09thinking, "Maybe I'm overreacting." And
0:12I think that confusion, that specific
0:14uncertainty about your own experience,
0:17is actually one of the reasons that
0:18these relationships can take such a
0:20profound psychological toll in the first
0:22place. Cuz when something is physically
0:25dangerous, your brain tends to get much
0:28clearer signals. There's usually a
0:30moment, an incident, or at least
0:32something concrete enough that you can
0:34point to. But emotionally harmful
0:36relationships, the ones that involve
0:38coercive control, psychological
0:40manipulation, chronic blame-shifting,
0:43emotional destabilization,
0:45often operate through contradiction. You
0:48feel harmed, but you also feel loved.
0:51You feel anxious, but also attached. You
0:55are feeling controlled, but you can
0:56still think of those moments where
0:58they're genuinely caring towards you.
1:01You feel completely drained, but you can
1:03also remember laughing with them over
1:05something completely stupid in the
1:06supermarket.
1:08And because the relationship contains
1:10those moments, too, people end up
1:12feeling like they are exaggerating the
1:14difficult parts. Like maybe they've
1:16become too sensitive, or too emotional,
1:19or too affected by something that wasn't
1:22really that bad.
1:23So, if you've ever found yourself
1:24Googling things like, "Was it actually
1:27abuse?" or "Am I overreacting?" or "I
1:30knew something felt wrong, but was it
1:32really that bad?" this episode is for
1:34you. I'm Eve. I'm the founder of The
1:36Healthy Relationship Company, and this
1:38is where we get into the real psychology
1:40of harmful relationships, coercive
1:43control, attachment patterns, nervous
1:45system responses, and the relational
1:47mechanisms that make these experiences
1:50so difficult to name, understand, and
1:52recover from. In every episode, we break
1:55it down properly, so you can stop
1:57questioning yourself and start actually
1:58understanding what happened. One of the
2:01things that I notice consistently in
2:03this field is that people assume abuse
2:05has to look obvious in order for it to
2:07count. They imagine constant shouting,
2:10clear intimidation, obvious cruelty,
2:13unmistakable fear. And of course, those
2:15things do happen, and when they do,
2:17they're serious. But, psychologically
2:20harmful relationships are often much
2:22quieter than that. Sometimes the
2:25relationship itself looks relatively
2:27normal from the outside. Sometimes other
2:29people think that the partner seemed
2:31lovely. Sometimes you think they seem
2:34lovely half the time, and that is
2:36precisely where people get
2:37psychologically stuck. Because your
2:40brain is trying to reconcile two
2:42completely different realities at once.
2:45There's the version of this person who
2:47comforts you, makes you laugh, seems
2:49vulnerable sometimes, talks about the
2:52future, apologizes occasionally, and has
2:54moments of genuine warmth. And then
2:56there's the version who leaves you
2:58feeling chronically unsettled, who
3:00redirects responsibility onto you,
3:03twists conversations, withdraws
3:05emotionally, destabilizes your
3:07confidence, and leaves you exhausted and
3:09confused in ways you struggle to explain
3:12even to yourself.
3:14The brain struggles enormously with that
3:16kind of contradiction, especially when
3:18attachment is involved. So, let me take
3:21you into a moment that a lot of people
3:23recognize. You've raised something
3:25pretty reasonable. Maybe the way they
3:27were talking to you felt unreasonably
3:29cold. Maybe they canceled plans again,
3:32or they ignored you for hours after an
3:34argument, and you're trying to explain
3:36why that hurt you.
3:38You start the conversation calmly.
3:40Doesn't have to be perfect, because no
3:42one communicates perfectly, but you're
3:44being reasonable. And at first, it feels
3:46like you're actually talking about the
3:48issue. But then gradually, something
3:50changes. The focus moves. Somehow the
3:53conversation is no longer about what
3:55happened, it's about your tone, your
3:58timing, your sensitivity, your memory of
4:01events, your emotional state, your
4:03delivery. And by the end of it, you're
4:05defending yourself rather than
4:07discussing the thing that you'd
4:09originally raised. You're not quite sure
4:11how you got here, but you're apologizing
4:13and the original issue has disappeared
4:16underneath everything else.
4:18That experience is psychologically
4:20significant because when it happens
4:22repeatedly, not just once or
4:24occasionally, but as a consistent shape
4:27of how difficult conversations go, it
4:29changes something in how you relate to
4:31your own perception. Now, this is why
4:33concepts like gaslighting and DARVO get
4:36very relevant. And I want to be careful
4:38here because social media has done a lot
4:41of damage on both of these terms. Not
4:43every disagreement's gaslighting, not
4:46every selfish person is coercively
4:48controlling, and not every emotionally
4:50immature relationship constitutes us
4:53abuse. Precision is important, and I
4:55think throwing these words around
4:57loosely actually makes it harder for
4:59people who are genuinely experiencing
5:01these patterns to trust their own
5:03recognition of them.
5:04But psychologically speaking,
5:06gaslighting refers to patterns of
5:08interaction that systematically
5:11undermine someone's trust in their own
5:13perception of reality.
5:15And the reason it gets so powerful is
5:17rooted in something fundamental about
5:19human cognition.
5:21We don't develop certainty in isolation.
5:24We constantly calibrate our
5:26understanding of events against feedback
5:28from other people, particularly people
5:31that we're close to, and particularly
5:33people that we love. So, when someone is
5:35repeatedly denying things that happened,
5:38telling you that you're imagining
5:39things, accusing you of being dramatic,
5:42insisting that you are misremembering,
5:45or positioning your emotional responses
5:47as the actual problem, your brain starts
5:49questioning itself. This isn't because
5:52you're easily manipulated, like you
5:54might think. It's because human
5:56cognition is relational, and the person
5:59you trust most is consistently
6:01contradicting your experience of shared
6:04reality. And that erodes certainty in a
6:06way that is really hard to overstate.
6:09And it does it so gradually that most
6:11people don't even notice it happening
6:13until you're already disconnected from
6:15your own instincts.
6:17Now, DARVO is also worth understanding
6:20because I think it explains more of the
6:22confusion people experience in these
6:24relationships than almost anything else.
6:28So, DARVO stands for deny, attack,
6:30reverse victim, and offender. And it was
6:32coined by psychologist Jennifer Freed to
6:34describe a specific pattern of response
6:37that some people use when confronted
6:40with their own poor behavior. So, in
6:42practice, it tends to look like this.
6:44You raise something that upset you.
6:47Instead of any genuine engagement with
6:49what you've said, the response involves
6:51some kind of combination of denying it
6:53happened or minimizing it, attacking
6:56your reaction as the real problem, and
6:58then positioning themselves as the
6:59injured party.
7:01So, the conversation somehow ends with
7:03you comforting them, apologizing for
7:05raising the issue, trying to repair an
7:07interaction that you initiated because
7:10you were the one who was hurt.
7:12Psychologically, one reason people
7:13engage in patterns like this is that
7:15accountability creates genuine
7:17discomfort for them. So, if someone's
7:20operating with high levels of
7:21entitlement, poor emotional regulation,
7:25a fragile self-image, or strong
7:27avoidance around shame, taking
7:29responsibility for causing harm can feel
7:31threatening rather than just
7:33uncomfortable. And rather than
7:35processing that discomfort internally,
7:37it gets redirected outwards onto you.
7:40Onto your reaction, and onto your
7:42timing, or your tone, or your
7:44sensitivity. And this is why I think a
7:47lot of people stay trapped trying to
7:49communicate better. They're trying to
7:51find the right words, the right moment,
7:53the perfect framings that will finally
7:55make that other person understand. But
7:57communication only works when both
7:59people are genuinely invested in shared
8:02reality.
8:04So, when one person's trying to resolve
8:05something, and the other person is
8:07primarily trying to reduce their own
8:09discomfort, protect their self-image, or
8:12avoid accountability, those are
8:14completely different psychological
8:16goals. And no amount of clearer
8:18communication is going to bridge that
8:19gap. And this is why so many people
8:22describe coming out of difficult
8:23conversations in these kind of
8:25relationships feeling more confused than
8:28when they went in, not less. Now, at
8:30first, most people still trust
8:32themselves. They might notice something
8:34feels wrong, they raise their concerns,
8:37they feel confused, but stay relatively
8:39grounded in their own experience. But
8:42over time, repeated destabilization
8:44changes behavior. And this is where
8:47adaptation starts.
8:49So, you start rehearsing conversations
8:51before you have them, over-explaining
8:54your own legitimate feelings, monitoring
8:56their mood before deciding whether it's
8:59appropriate to raise something.
9:01Adjusting your behavior preemptively
9:03based on how they seem. You analyze
9:06silences and facial expressions and how
9:08loudly they shut the door.
9:11And here's what makes this particularly
9:12insidious. While it's happening, it
9:14usually feels like love. It feels like
9:17being understanding and patient, trying
9:20harder, keeping the peace, being
9:22emotionally intelligent about how you
9:24communicate. It doesn't feel like
9:27self-erasure, it feels like effort. And
9:30people criticize themselves for having
9:32not left sooner, while completely
9:34failing to account for the fact that
9:36what they were already doing was
9:38adapting to a psychologically difficult
9:40environment in the most human way
9:42possible.
9:43Now, one of the clearest signs that
9:45something harmful is operating is when
9:48your nervous system starts adapting
9:50around unpredictability in ways that
9:52become automatic. That feeling when
9:55someone walks into the room and your
9:57body reacts before your brain even
9:59catches up. You're already scanning
10:01their energy, their tone, whether they
10:03seem in a bad mood, whether something
10:05might be coming. These are not
10:07necessarily signs of someone who's
10:09anxious by nature. It's a nervous system
10:11that's learned to stay alert because the
10:13environment has been unpredictable
10:15enough, often enough, that vigilance
10:18became the rational response.
10:21People think nothing that bad happened
10:23while simultaneously not having felt
10:25emotionally settled in months, not
10:28trusting their instincts, feeling
10:30chronically anxious, feeling responsible
10:32for the emotional stability of their
10:34entire relationship, and having become a
10:37smaller version of themselves. That is
10:39not nothing. It's a significant
10:41psychological harm, even if it came
10:43without a single dramatic incident or
10:46explosion.
10:48Now, I think one of the biggest
10:49misconceptions about emotionally harmful
10:52relationships is that people imagine the
10:54damage comes from isolated moments.
10:57Often the real damage is cumulative. It
11:00comes from the atmosphere, the
11:02unpredictability, that slow erosion of
11:05your certainty, the constant risk
11:07management, the confusion.
11:10It's death by a thousand psychological
11:12paper cuts. And because there isn't one
11:14clear defining incident, people struggle
11:17enormously to validate their own
11:18experience of it. They think, "But they
11:21never hit me. They weren't horrible all
11:23the time. Sometimes they were really
11:25loving. They had trauma, too. I wasn't
11:28perfect, either."
11:29And I want to be clear, nuance genuinely
11:32matters here, and you won't hear me
11:34saying every difficult relationship is
11:36abuse. Human relationships are messy by
11:39nature. People can behave badly without
11:43being coercively controlling, conflict
11:45exists, and emotional immaturity exists,
11:48as does miscommunication.
11:50But, there is a meaningful difference
11:52between imperfection and patterns that
11:56repeatedly destabilize someone's sense
11:59of self, their grasp on reality, their
12:01emotional safety, and their relational
12:03freedom. And that distinction is so
12:06important. Now, one thing I think people
12:08underestimate is how difficult coercive
12:10control is to identify from inside it.
12:13Cuz it very rarely starts with obvious
12:15control. It usually starts with
12:17attachment, attention, intensity, that
12:20feeling of being deeply chosen and
12:22understood. And then slowly, over time,
12:25your world narrows. Your behavior
12:27changes, your nervous system changes,
12:30your confidence changes, and so does
12:32your sense of self.
12:34Cuz it happens gradually enough that
12:36most people adapt before they've fully
12:38registered what's happening. And this is
12:40why I have very little patience for
12:42statements like, "I would never let
12:43someone treat me like that." Because
12:46that framing imagines walking into a
12:48relationship at the end point, at the
12:51stage where the pattern is fully
12:52visible, rather than entering something
12:55that felt genuinely good, and adapting
12:57to it incrementally over time. Some of
13:00the most intelligent, perceptive,
13:02psychologically literate people that
13:04I've worked with have found themselves
13:06deeply embedded in these dynamics.
13:09This has nothing to do with naivety.
13:12It's because they were human, and those
13:14patterns are specifically designed,
13:16consciously or not, to be difficult to
13:19see clearly from inside them.
13:21>> [snorts]
13:21>> Minimization is probably one of the
13:23strongest psychological barriers to
13:25clarity. So, I want to just give a
13:27minute to this one. Minimizing might
13:29come out like, "It wasn't that bad.
13:31Other people have it much worse. Maybe
13:33I'm just being emotional. Relationships
13:35are hard. At least they never
13:38A minimization develops because fully
13:41acknowledging the reality of what
13:42happened can feel psychologically
13:44overwhelming.
13:46So, if someone loved this person deeply,
13:48built a life with them, defended them to
13:50other people, stayed for years, imagined
13:53a future, accepting the extent of the
13:56harm can feel identity threatening in a
13:58way that the brain instinctively tries
14:01to soften down. It's not denial for its
14:03own sake. It is the mind managing what
14:06it can process at any given time. Now,
14:08one of the things that people say most
14:10often after relationships like these is
14:12that they don't trust themselves
14:14anymore. And psychologically, that is
14:15completely understandable because for
14:17months or years, their internal signals
14:20were repeatedly overridden. They felt
14:22uncomfortable, anxious, unsettled,
14:25emotionally unsafe, and then explained
14:28those feelings away repeatedly because
14:30the alternative was too destabilizing.
14:33That creates a real disconnection from
14:34self-trust. And what's actually being
14:36rebuilt afterwards isn't just confidence
14:38or self-esteem in the conventional
14:40sense. It's trusting your own
14:42perception, trust that when something
14:45feels wrong, that information means
14:47something. And also trust that your
14:49nervous system is communicating, not
14:51catastrophizing. Realizing something was
14:53psychologically harmful doesn't require
14:55you to hate the person, erase the good
14:57moments, or decide they were entirely
15:00without genuine feeling for you. The
15:02black and white framing keeps a lot of
15:04people stuck, actually, because they
15:06think, "Well, they loved me sometimes."
15:08or "They weren't like that all the
15:09time." and use that as evidence against
15:12their own experience. But harmful
15:14patterns don't stop being harmful just
15:16because someone also has vulnerability,
15:18warmth, trauma, or genuine moments of
15:21care.
15:22Something can contain real affection and
15:25still be psychologically damaging, and
15:27both things can be true at the same
15:29time. That's one of the hardest
15:31realities to integrate because humans
15:33love categories and desperately want a
15:35clean story, whether it's good or bad,
15:38safe or unsafe, real or fake. And these
15:41relationships live in contradiction.
15:44Learning to hold that contradiction
15:45without resolving it in either direction
15:47is actually one of the most important
15:49parts of developing genuine relational
15:51clarity.
15:53Now, before we finish, here's one thing
15:54worth sitting with this week. If you
15:56notice yourself minimizing your own
15:58experience, catching yourself thinking,
16:01"Maybe it wasn't that bad." or "Maybe
16:03I'm exaggerating." Try changing the
16:06question slightly. So, instead of
16:08asking, "Was it bad enough?" ask what
16:11effect the relationship actually had on
16:13you.
16:14Did you trust yourself more or less by
16:16the end of it? Did you feel emotionally
16:19free or more restricted? Did you feel
16:21calmer over time or more hyper-vigilant?
16:25Did you become more yourself or less?
16:27Because sometimes the impact tells you
16:30more than the label ever could.
16:32The goal here isn't to get everyone to
16:34adopt a particular word for what they've
16:36experienced. The goal is just clarity.
16:39Pattern recognition, self-trust,
16:41understanding what happened well enough
16:43that you can make sense of your own
16:45reaction to it and choose differently
16:47going forward. That is the important
16:49thing. Now, if this episode has felt
16:51familiar to you, if you've been
16:53recognizing yourself in the confusion,
16:55the self-doubt, the minimizing, the
16:57second-guessing, I've got a great free
16:59resource called the relationship mirror
17:01toolkit that was built specifically for
17:03where you are. It's designed to help you
17:05start identifying patterns, behavioral
17:07shifts, emotional adaptations, and the
17:10ways that people genuinely lose
17:12themselves inside confusing
17:13relationships. Now, this isn't a
17:15fear-based red flags list. It's a
17:18psychologically grounded pattern
17:19recognition toolkit. Cuz understanding
17:22the pattern properly is where getting
17:24yourself back actually starts happening.
17:26The link is in the notes if you want to
17:28take a look. Take care of yourself and
17:31if this episode has helped you feel even
17:33slightly less confused, slightly less
17:35alone, or slightly less like you're
17:37losing your mind, hold on to that cuz
17:40clarity often starts very quietly. It
17:43usually starts with someone finally
17:45putting words into something that you've
17:47been living with for a really long time,
17:49but you couldn't quite name. And that
17:51matters a lot more than people realize.
17:53I'll see you next time.

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