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Victoria's Secret Model Taylor Hill Reveals The True Behind-the-Scenes Life Of A VS Angel — Transcript

by Jay Shetty Podcast · 27,612 words · 3,613 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00and I tried out for the Victoria Secret
0:01fashion show I wanted to try out and I
0:03wanted to do this so I went and I
0:05auditioned for it and when I booked it I
0:08was shocked she's made a huge Splash in
0:11the fashion industry Victoria Secret
0:13Angel Taylor Hill let's talk about the
0:16grief of losing a friend I'm looking at
0:20him and I'm asking him like if you if
0:22you need to go like please let me know
0:24like I will let you go
0:30hey everyone I've got some huge news to
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1:02for you in the world subscribe right now
1:05the number one Health and Wellness
1:06podcast Jett J shett the one the only
1:12Jett what would you say is your earliest
1:15childhood memory that you feel has
1:18defined who you are today my first
1:20memory ever is my I think it was my
1:24third birthday party I so I was born in
1:28Chicago and I lived there until I was
1:29was probably about 5 years old and then
1:31I moved to Colorado and that's like my
1:34home and where I am from in my head cuz
1:38I don't really remember Chicago but I
1:41remember being in our backyard there and
1:43we had this little red house
1:46and it was my birthday party and all of
1:49the kids in our neighborhood were over
1:52and we were having a party and I had a
1:53pink Barbie cake and I specifically
1:57remember the candle was Barbie like it
1:59was a very intricate candle and
2:03everyone's singing happy birthday and
2:04then I'm supposed to blow up the candles
2:06and then my friend he blew the candles
2:09out before I could and I got so upset
2:12and I was very emotional and I was like
2:14kind of crying and I got so mad and I
2:16was like why would you do that oh my
2:17gosh like I was supposed to do that and
2:19then my mom's like it's okay we can you
2:21know we'll light the candle again and
2:22then you can blow out the candle and I
2:25was like well it's not the same he took
2:27my wish like I was heartbroken and I
2:30think if that says anything about me
2:33it's just that I'm I'm very
2:36emotional and I I just sometimes when
2:40people do things that aren't so nice to
2:42others I sometimes don't understand I'm
2:44like why why did you do that so that's
2:47one of my very first first memories um
2:50but I think something that kind of
2:53helped like maybe Define who I was when
2:55from a child I would say um is Sports um
3:01I I was um a gymnast from I from when I
3:05was nine I did ballet from when I was
3:08six and then I grew up snowboarding and
3:10um I think for me being athletic and
3:14being active really help shape who I am
3:17because um I've been you know I've been
3:19modeling for 14 years I was scouted at
3:2214 and I love my job and I love working
3:26and I I have such a passion and a drive
3:29for it and I think I have such a drive
3:31because of being in sports my whole life
3:33and honestly being a gymnast not a not a
3:36very good gymnast but I loved it I had
3:39so much fun doing it even though I
3:40wasn't my mom was like this girl a she's
3:42not going to the Olympics that was
3:45understood but you know she encouraged
3:48me to do it anyway and she knew I had
3:49fun and you know it gives you sort of
3:52this sense of structure and you know
3:55healthy competition is always a little
3:57bit nice and um I love the of gymnastics
4:00because it's very um demanding in a
4:03sense and it challenges you to always be
4:06better you know the sort of motto of
4:08gymnastics or what um my uh perception
4:11of it was from doing is you know strive
4:14to be better strive for Perfection
4:16Perfect 10 all that stuff you'll never
4:18get there you'll never well some people
4:19do but I I was never going to be a
4:21perfect 10 let's be honest um but you
4:24know having the drive to like always do
4:26better always you know perfect this
4:28trick perfect that flip do do this do
4:30that and you know push myself it was and
4:32and push myself in something I enjoyed
4:34doing um kind of gave me the I have a
4:37similar head space and my modeling
4:39career just because I love doing it and
4:41I I love my job and I just want to like
4:43I just want to keep doing it you know so
4:45I I think that's two things about me
4:49yeah those are great answers are you do
4:51you still know the person who blew that
4:53candle out I do yes I do I I hadn't seen
4:57I haven't seen him in forever but I did
4:59go back home to my where I was born a
5:02couple times like throughout my
5:03childhood my my god parents and my my
5:05mom and dad's best friends um they still
5:09lived there and their children were our
5:12uh childhood best friends so we would
5:13spend Summers together and everything
5:15and um some Summers I would go back to
5:18uh Chicago and like see them and all
5:20that and see the kids in the
5:21neighborhood so I did see this boy
5:24multiple times and he was a really good
5:25friend it was very innocent you know we
5:26were only maybe 3 years old so he didn't
5:29know was doing either but I just didn't
5:31understand I was like does he realize
5:32now what a big moment he probably
5:34doesn't even remember that he did that
5:35but I do yeah and he he probably doesn't
5:38even know I'm talking about him but I'm
5:40not going to say his name but we know
5:43well how was that like when the Bobby
5:44movie came out was that like has Barbie
5:46always remained an idol in your life
5:48since that day or not really you know I
5:50loved I loved Barbie I have um two
5:52sisters and I I actually have three
5:54siblings so I have an older sister a
5:56younger sister and a younger brother and
5:58we're all very close in and age we're
6:00all about you know roughly one year
6:01apart from each other so growing up we
6:04loved playing dress up we loved Barbie
6:06we loved toys we loved you know Polly
6:10Pockets we loved little My Little Pet
6:12Shop you know we had all of those things
6:14we loved all of that um and I loved the
6:17Barbie movie I thought it was great and
6:19I thought it was really profound and it
6:22touched on a lot of things and a really
6:24interesting and kind of a light-hearted
6:26way so yeah I had a I had a childhood
6:29connection to Barbie for sure so I loved
6:31her and then when the candle was blown
6:33out I was I was like how could you do
6:34that to me I can see it still affects
6:37you tell day still that here what was it
6:40like you you said of course you got
6:42scouted at 14 what was it like you have
6:44siblings I'm assuming they weren't all
6:46working at 14 and so when you start
6:48working at 14 which is a very young age
6:52first of all what does working at 14 as
6:54a model look like like what are the
6:56hours what are the commitments do you
6:58drop out of school and then how do your
7:01siblings react to it how do your parents
7:03react to it like what does it look like
7:04because I feel yeah they're they're not
7:06working they're not getting paid they're
7:08not traveling yeah it was interesting I
7:10mean so my mom uh was a hairdresser so
7:14she worked in a salon and cut hair and
7:17uh you know after having all four of us
7:20she obviously was like I can't stand on
7:22my feet all day and take care of four
7:24young children under the age of five so
7:26we're not going to do that anymore and
7:28she became stay-at home mother with
7:29which um I'm I'm so grateful to have had
7:32my mom and that's a that's a job it's
7:34work and she was amazing at it and you
7:37know when I was scouted and I started
7:40traveling and you know working as a
7:43model it it meant that you know I went
7:44to New York I signed with IMG when I was
7:4714 and from there I went everywhere you
7:49know I I traveled the world at you know
7:5114 years old and my mom came with me
7:54everywhere I went you know I did Paris
7:55fashion weeks I did New York Fashion
7:57Week I went to Australia and I lived
8:00there for a month or two you know Milan
8:02all those places and she came with me
8:04everywhere and um I definitely wouldn't
8:08be where I am if it wasn't for my mom
8:09and her support and I know it was a
8:12difficult thing for even her to navigate
8:14she had three other children at home and
8:16you know we were all trying to figure
8:18out how we were going to do this um my
8:21grandpa was a huge help he you know
8:24would come with me places as well and he
8:26would live with me places he lived with
8:28me in LA for a bit he traveled with me
8:31and then when my older sister was 18 she
8:33would travel with me and she would live
8:35with me which wasn't much help she was
8:3718 and I was 17 so you can imagine how
8:40fun that was for us to do but you know
8:42my mom always wanted to make sure I had
8:44somebody with me who was just like
8:46another set of eyes making sure I was
8:47good and I you know I I could take care
8:50of myself and she made sure to teach me
8:52how to you know read signs in an airport
8:56and this is what this means this is how
8:57you get to your gate and this is what
8:59you how you do this and you know don't
9:01take a car ride from a stranger you know
9:03so um she was really really good at
9:05making sure I was able to do all of that
9:08um and then my siblings you know I think
9:10it was really we we just didn't know you
9:13know you don't know what you don't know
9:15and I think we didn't really know any
9:17better better and it was like oh well
9:19this is Taylor's doing this so this is
9:21what she does now um and they were you
9:25know nothing changed I think for them
9:27cuz they didn't never see me differently
9:28they were just like well Taylor goes to
9:31work instead of goes to school so
9:33whatever you know and I think because we
9:35were all a similar age they did have an
9:38understanding of what I was doing you
9:39know it's not like they were you know
9:41really young and didn't get it or much
9:43older than me and didn't understand why
9:45I didn't want to go to school or didn't
9:46go back to college and stuff they were
9:48kind of you know accepting of it and my
9:51older sister now is a photographer and a
9:53content creator herself so she really
9:55got it you know she gets it and she she
9:57saw what I wanted to do and you know
10:00that I loved what I was doing so she was
10:02really helpful and supportive of that so
10:05yeah it was it was definitely
10:06interesting I look back on it and I'm
10:08like oh wow how did we do that I don't
10:10know we just kind of did it you know um
10:13at the time was it exciting or was it
10:15scary or what parts were exciting and
10:17what parts were scary I was really
10:19excited just because I I wasn't very
10:23good at school and I didn't love being
10:26in school I was really
10:30um distracted daydreaming kind of didn't
10:34pay attention very well I didn't learn
10:37things very easily not very good at
10:40math um and I remember the first time
10:43being on a set and feeling so excited
10:48because I was like oh my God I can do
10:49this instead and once I started booking
10:52more and more jobs and school became
10:54more and more difficult to keep up with
10:57you know we looked into so many
10:58different options like did do
10:59homeschooling for a little bit and
11:02ultimately that was still really
11:03difficult based off of how much I was
11:05working because you know you have to put
11:06in at least 5 to six hours a day even on
11:10online school you know because you have
11:11to commit an hour or so for each class I
11:14was in different time zones getting
11:15one-on-one time with my teachers to
11:17explain something to me was very
11:19difficult um so you know I tried to go
11:22back to regular high school but you know
11:24in Colorado they don't have these child
11:28entertainment laws like they do in
11:30California there was no structure for me
11:31to be able to do both so ultimately I
11:34dropped out of high school and I got my
11:36GED instead and I just I left school
11:40totally at 15 and started full-time
11:42modeling at 15 and to me it was really
11:46exciting cuz I felt like I all I would
11:49think about while I was in school was I
11:51can't wait to get out of here
11:54uh stay in school you know what I mean
11:57don't do what I do no I'm just kidding
11:59um I do value school I think education
12:01is really important but I do think that
12:03it's not always for everyone and people
12:05learn differently and I feel like I went
12:08to sort of a school of life I guess you
12:10could say I kind of learned by doing and
12:12by seeing the world so I have a
12:15different education than what Academia
12:17maybe teaches you so um I am grateful
12:20that I got to experience some school
12:22obviously like and a normal childhood to
12:24an extent until about 15 but I'm
12:26grateful I started I left and I was done
12:29and doing what I was doing by 15 I felt
12:32like okay this is it this is what I'm
12:33supposed to be doing so I was just
12:36ecstatic I was just I was where I was
12:39meant to be you know yeah yeah it's
12:41amazing hearing your passion and drive
12:42like after all these years you said
12:44you've been modeling for 14 years and I
12:46can feel like it's still this energizing
12:48feeling what was that transition like
12:50from that to becoming a Victoria Secret
12:52model like what is that Journey like
12:55like what is that Arc like like how hard
12:57is it to move from Paris fashion week
13:00and New York Fashion Week and doing
13:01runways and then going to actually be a
13:03Victoria Secret model at the time it was
13:06really interesting because you know at
13:10that time Victoria's Secret was the end
13:13all be all you know what I mean it was
13:15not to everyone but to a lot of models
13:17it was oh my gosh you know the Victoria
13:20Secret fashion show it gave you more of
13:22a mainstream name I guess you were more
13:26I guess in the the stream the the pulse
13:29of Pop Culture I guess if you were a
13:31Victoria Secret model some of the most
13:32famous models in the world were Victoria
13:34Secret models you know you know jaelle
13:35bnin is like one of my favorites and I
13:38love her and look up to her she's why I
13:39went to IMG because I was like jelle is
13:41that IMG at the time she was I don't
13:43think she still is but when I signed
13:45with them she was still with them so I
13:47was like I want to be where she is and
13:48Carly Claus is with IMG and I wanted to
13:50be where she was so um I I just I feel
13:55like when I went from doing you know
13:57fashion and
13:59um more commercial Brands like I did
14:01shoot a lot of for for H&M and Forever
14:0421 and some like some of these younger
14:07maybe fashion lines that were more for
14:09you know teenagers like myself so I did
14:11work a lot with Brands like that and
14:14then kind of when I turned 18 I was
14:16switching into more of you know adult
14:20modeling which is so crazy cuz I was
14:21still so young 18 years old um and I
14:24tried out for the Victoria Secret
14:25fashion show just because you know cuz
14:27why not everybody wants to do it I
14:29wanted to try out and I wanted to do
14:30this so I went and I auditioned for it
14:33and when I booked it I was shocked
14:35because I really didn't think that I
14:37would get it on the first time and the
14:39on the first audition because so many
14:41people go back multiple multiple
14:43multiple times but probably because I'd
14:46had you know a fashion career and had
14:49been on runways since I was 14 I was
14:52able to sort of be in the room and kind
14:54of maybe know a little bit more about
14:56what was happening whereas I feel like
14:57some girls start modeling at 18 16 18
15:01you know so they're still new and newer
15:04and I even though I was still really
15:06young I had been working for 4 years so
15:08um I I felt ready for it and I was
15:11excited for it and when I booked it I
15:13was shocked and I I I was like I can't
15:16believe I'm here right now no way this
15:18is happening I what so that was really
15:21scary was scary thing was booking it I
15:24was like oh oh God okay all right this
15:26is happening um but it was an amazing
15:28thing for my career and I'm really
15:30grateful for it and I'm grateful you
15:32know that I got to do that because I I I
15:34wouldn't be sitting here if I hadn't you
15:36know so I'm I'm grateful for it for sure
15:39I keep saying that but I am no I believe
15:41it how many steps was that audition
15:42process like what does that look like in
15:44terms of getting there it's well and
15:48what is it like like what are you doing
15:49I mean it was like 10 years ago now so I
15:51have to try and remember what I did but
15:53I'm pretty sure what happened was I so I
15:57knew the casting director who was
15:58casting for the Victoria Secret fashion
16:00show he was casting some of the other
16:02shows that I'd walked in before like
16:03Michael Kors and you know a couple of
16:05the other New York shows as well as
16:07shows in in Milan and Paris so I was
16:10familiar with him and for the Victoria
16:12Secret fashion show you go to a pre-c
16:14casting with him and his casting team
16:16and you know you do the walk they record
16:18you they film you they ask you questions
16:21where are you from how old are you what
16:23agency are you with so it's just a
16:26little bit of your personality or the
16:28way you talk on on video and then they
16:30take your picture and then I guess they
16:33probably take it back to the Victoria
16:35Secret internal casting team that also
16:38does Show casting cuz when you get into
16:40the main room at the Victoria Secret
16:42headquarters there's five or six people
16:45at a table in front of you and then five
16:48or six people behind them sitting in
16:50chairs and they all have notepads and
16:52you know there's a big camera and
16:53they're filming you and um you know you
16:56do the whole like walk thing and they
16:59ask you to do it again do that so I did
17:01a pre-c casting with the casting
17:03director directly and then I went back
17:05in for a call back which was the main
17:08casting so they had probably seen my
17:10tape and seen my pre-c casting video and
17:13thought okay let's request her for our
17:14main casting so I went into that and
17:17then you know sometimes there's another
17:19one and there's another call back and
17:21you know another casting you have to do
17:23but I was working in La so I went to my
17:27casting and got on a flight and landed
17:29in LA and got a call that I booked the
17:31Victoria Secret fashion show so that's
17:34what I did that's how happened to me
17:36useful to know I I feel like we it's
17:38it's like we need a picture in right
17:39like because if you've never done it you
17:41just don't know what the process looks
17:42like and you mentioned something that
17:44I've heard a lot of models talk about
17:45how they went from like teen modeling to
17:48adult modeling and also when you're
17:49still a teen and like how was that
17:52process for you because I've heard other
17:53people describe it as like it was
17:55uncomfortable where certain poses or
17:57certain clothes or whatever it was like
17:59I've never worn something like this or
18:01did you feel that or was it not like
18:03that for you was it just kind of like
18:04you enjoyed it it was fun no I didn't I
18:06didn't feel like that because I I was
18:08just happy to be there I was like I'm
18:10just happy to be here also I love it
18:12like I love I loved playing dress up
18:15when I was a kid and i' do it for a
18:16living so like how can I not be just
18:18having the best time ever you know
18:20trying on all these clothes doing all
18:22these things also I did dance wasn't
18:24very good at it but I loved it and I
18:26loved dancing and I loved gymnastics and
18:28I love moving and you know if you're on
18:31the right set and you have the right
18:32team around you and you know a lot of
18:34the the Victoria Secret team from that
18:37time I've known them for a really long
18:39time and I have worked with a lot of the
18:41photographers in the past and you know
18:43it felt like a safe space and my memory
18:46and my interpretation of that
18:47environment was that I was safe so I
18:50felt comfortable and I was just like oh
18:52this is what we're doing now and um I I
18:54had the best time doing it so for me I I
18:58never felt afraid to do anything so I
19:01just was so excited I guess or maybe I
19:04was just young and was like whoa I don't
19:06know maybe bit of both you know so I I
19:08don't I don't know no I love I love I
19:10never felt I never I know some people do
19:12feel that and that's some I have felt
19:15like that for sure definitely but not
19:17maybe not in those instances and maybe
19:18not at that time just because a
19:20combination of you know excitement you
19:23know youth never having that experience
19:25before being excited to be there so it
19:28kind of wiped away the fear a little bit
19:30maybe I was a little delusional and kind
19:32of was like wa this is so cool you know
19:34it's like rose-colored glasses a little
19:36bit but I've I've been in some scenarios
19:39where I'm like n maybe not so you know
19:43yeah no I I I think I mean I love
19:45hearing that I think for me I mean I
19:46moved to LA much later uh in life but
19:49even for me like as soon as I came to
19:51the United States to me being in the US
19:54is like living in a movie because we
19:56grew up watching American television in
19:58London Y and so when I first landed in
20:00New York I I visited maybe once or twice
20:03in my teens with family but I remember
20:05moving and like even when I saw like a
20:07yellow school bus or I saw like a cop
20:10car or NYPD or whatever like to me it's
20:12like I've only ever seen that in a TV
20:14show or a movie and so it's really
20:16fascinating and then you see the Empire
20:17State and then when I moved to LA it was
20:19the same thing it was wait a minute even
20:21now when I'm driving down the streets
20:22and there's palm trees on either side
20:23I'm like I'm on vacation because yeah in
20:26my head like that's such a it's such a
20:29alien experience having grown up in
20:31London that you know living in La so I
20:34kind of have some of that youthful
20:38enthusiasm around some of these things
20:39too because it reminds me of a time when
20:41I used to watch TV religiously and and
20:44what I grew up on so I I can resonate
20:46with that feeling whereas someone will
20:48always be like oh don't you think La is
20:49like this or New York's like this I'm
20:50like to me it just reminds me of what I
20:52saw in the movies like wow I can't
20:53believe I get to be here yeah exactly I
20:55can't believe I never imagined in a
20:57million years that my life would look
20:58this way and so I'm just taking it all
21:01in as opposed to seeing gaps and holes
21:04in it or whatever else it may be yeah
21:06there's days where I see gaps and holes
21:08but my overarching goal and perspective
21:11is to
21:12be I'm in awe you know and I'm still in
21:15awe and I can't believe I'm even sitting
21:16here right now like this is crazy so you
21:19know it's just I definitely that's just
21:22I think my natural sort of energy and
21:25where I sit with things is just w I'm
21:28here whoa how'd I get here and you know
21:31like all humans do every day is
21:34different so there's definitely times
21:35where I'm just like oh whoa this is you
21:38know I don't like this I don't like this
21:39feeling or what's happening here and
21:41what's going on there so there's
21:43definitely both like I I don't want you
21:45know the perception of me to feel like
21:47she just whatever she has no idea what's
21:49going on she's in a bubble like and I'm
21:51just no I just feel I just feel grateful
21:55and I think the most important emotion
21:56for me to feel daily is is is gratitude
21:59so just I try to remind myself where I'm
22:02at and where I came from and just be
22:04grateful to be here so that's the my
22:07genuine consensus on things yeah you
22:09obviously have a hard work ethic and a
22:11drive which is what you were talking
22:12about with sports and that discipline
22:14walk us through the discipline of being
22:17a Victoria Secret model like the diet
22:19the workout the plan the day like the
22:21hour what does that look like because I
22:23think often you again that's another
22:25thing you don't ever see so you don't
22:27really know yeah it's so when I first
22:30started doing Victoria's Secret I was
22:31very young and I was very lucky because
22:34I didn't have to work out that hard and
22:35I you know didn't have to diee it
22:37because I was 18 and you know 6 feet
22:40tall so you know you can imagine how um
22:44lucky I was in terms of that sort of
22:47stuff but then obviously as I was
22:48starting to grow up and mature as a
22:50woman in that Arena I I did have to
22:53start working out you know there was an
22:55air there was a time where I was like
22:56okay well if I want to be in the best
22:59shape of my life for this one really
23:01important day then I'm going to take it
23:03I'm going to step it up a notch so there
23:05was some preparation probably when I was
23:08like 21 to 22 I started you know amping
23:12it up in terms of like the exercise and
23:14diet and stuff like that when we we were
23:16training for the show but you know there
23:19was such a sometimes there's such a
23:20negative connotation in terms of talking
23:22about those things um because I think a
23:25lot of people have maybe an healthy
23:29perspective of it because Victoria
23:30Secret wasn't inclusive and it wasn't a
23:33welcome space for everybody you know it
23:35was welcome for you know women who were
23:376 feet tall and naturally slim and you
23:40know and then they were really fit on
23:42top of that so if you're an outsider
23:45looking in it looks like a really well
23:48not everybody looks like that and I
23:49don't see myself there yeah fair enough
23:53like sometimes even I didn't see myself
23:54there you know so I had to train hard to
23:56get there um but you know I always Tred
23:59to be um as healthy as I could with it
24:03and you know keep a positive outlook on
24:05it for me personally in my journey and
24:07like how I went about training for the
24:09Victoria Secret fashion show I sort of
24:11looked at it like maybe an athlete would
24:15I'm not an athlete obviously but you
24:17know the level of training that I would
24:19do and the the diets I would be on if a
24:21footballer came in and you know started
24:24talking about his diet people would
24:25accept it I think because he is an
24:28athlete
24:29um but you know if I come in and say how
24:32I was working out and what I was eating
24:34because I'm a six tall naturally slim
24:37woman I think it could be you know taken
24:39negatively and misconstrued but I just
24:40want to assure people that you know I
24:42did do it healthy like I was very
24:44healthy when I was doing it this is my
24:46natural physique I know that everybody
24:48doesn't look like this and not everybody
24:50can relate to that and that's I I I hear
24:52you and I see you and I hope you you
24:54know don't take anything that I say and
24:56misinterpret it and say like to look
24:59like her I have to do this no don't do
25:02that you know do what you need to do and
25:04for you and your body um and when I was
25:06training for that I I did what I needed
25:08to do for my body so I can get into that
25:12um I I did a lot of like hit cardio
25:15training so I had a personal trainer
25:17who's amazing um Christina she's she's
25:21near and dear to my heart she's so
25:23intelligent she has you know a nutrition
25:25background as well so she was making
25:27sure that I was eating eting the amount
25:29of food I should be eating for the
25:30exercise that I was doing um and so we
25:33sort of did like a mix of things it was
25:35weightlifting I I love weightlifting
25:38it's really fun I also I'm a crazy
25:40person like I love exercise I love
25:42Fitness I like working out it's like
25:44it's really it's good for my mental
25:45health when I work out I work out
25:47because I want to do it for my mind not
25:50for how my body looks um so but for the
25:53Victoria Secret fashion show obviously I
25:55was training for a reason so I I did
25:57care about you know muscle definition
25:59and all that fun stuff um so we did like
26:01you know weight training weightlifting
26:04um you know it would be like interval
26:06like we would you know Sprint on a
26:07treadmill and then hold a plank kind of
26:09stuff like that and I really liked that
26:11type of workout because it was it was
26:14you know high energy and going from one
26:16thing to the next thing and it was
26:17challenging and it kind of sort of
26:19reminded me of maybe my gymnastics
26:22background and the sports I done before
26:24where they're a little bit more Dynamic
26:25and you're moving around a lot um and
26:27then you know for diet I would eat
26:29pretty healthy just um I would eat like
26:33I would make sure I was gluten-free
26:34though just because I think sometimes
26:35gluten can respond in your body in a
26:38negative way so some I know some people
26:40are gluten-free around the vs show be
26:42gluten-free for about a month no alcohol
26:44for about a month and a half or so up
26:47leading up to the show day just because
26:49alcohol is never going to help you if
26:52you're trying to like you know gain
26:54muscle weight so that was my sort of
26:56goal was muscle not never managing or
26:59washing my weight um it was more just
27:01about you know making sure I was eating
27:03lean proteins I had like protein shakes
27:06in the morning I would have a
27:07gluten-free bagel I would have eggs
27:10vegetables I ate chicken breast I ate
27:13sweet potato I ate sushi rice fish I ate
27:16all kinds of things like that and making
27:18sure that it was enough based off of
27:20what the kind of exercise I was doing so
27:23the trainer that would work with me on
27:25my fitness routine she also worked with
27:27me on the food I was consuming hey you
27:30need to make sure you're consuming
27:31before you see me you need to eat this
27:33amount and then we come and we're going
27:35to work out and we're going to do this
27:36and then you go home and you have this
27:37protein shake so we know you're getting
27:39the right nutrients that you need to
27:41fuel your body so yeah hopefully very
27:45yeah that was very in depth I love it
27:46yeah no and I asked Taylor I genuinely
27:48asked because I I do think it's an
27:51interesting thing around the discipline
27:53and that's why I asked it from that
27:54perspective because to me the discipline
27:56the work ethic the you know the focus
27:59and and I'm so happy that it was a
28:00healthy Journey for you and I think
28:02we're taking into account the fact that
28:03it may not be a healthy Journey for
28:05everyone and we recognized that that it
28:07can cause challenges for others yeah and
28:09I mean I know that time too it was
28:11difficult for so many for women watching
28:13and I know like the expectation that was
28:16put on women to look look a certain way
28:17to I never want to feel like maybe I was
28:20a part of it and perpetuating that just
28:22because of the way it was being
28:24presented maybe that I was just a like I
28:27was just happy to be there again I'm
28:29just like w I'm so excited I get to be
28:30here um but I know what it meant to to
28:33society I know what it what people
28:35perceived it as for sure so I do take
28:37that into account and I know it's it's a
28:39lot and I hope people are can maybe
28:42listen to to me in my perspective and
28:44know like I was trying to be I was
28:46really healthy in the way that I was
28:47trying to do this and go about this and
28:49I never want to like perpetuate that
28:51somebody should do something or you know
28:53work out a certain way to to look like a
28:55Victoria Secret model because you know
28:57it's that's not fair and not everybody
28:59looks like needs to look like that
29:00that's not what's beautiful you know
29:02beauty is so much more than what people
29:05were trying to make us believe it was at
29:07that time so just wanted to put that out
29:10there no I'm glad you clarified that I
29:12actually think you made a really
29:13interesting point though I think what's
29:14interesting for example like I love
29:16watching basketball I am I have nowhere
29:19near the physique of any basketball
29:21player on the planet there's no one my
29:24size who plays basketball in height
29:26physique whatever else it may be
29:28and if you saw I don't play basketball
29:30but if I was to try and play basketball
29:33when I was younger I was great a
29:34three-pointer because I didn't need to
29:36like beat anyone or whatever but it's I
29:39would never be expected to do what
29:41someone does on the court it's really
29:42interesting how the industry is then
29:44projected onto people thinking they have
29:46to be that whereas I can watch
29:48basketball knowing I never have to be
29:49there and I think that's the part which
29:51is so interesting that it's almost like
29:53a interesting pressure that if it
29:56becomes about beauty yeah it it sets an
29:58unfair standard but if it's about sports
30:01like you just said in one sense you were
30:02training yourself like an athlete but we
30:04know we I know I can't be Tom Brady or I
30:06know I can't be LeBron James me neither
30:09yeah yeah and and I'm okay I also can't
30:12be Adriana Lima and because that woman
30:14was amazing and Jazelle I mean they they
30:17trained so much harder than even me I I
30:20did my best but but you know I I I did
30:23what I knew I was comfortable and able
30:25and capable of doing but they are them
30:27and they're their own person and they
30:28trained in their own way and I did it my
30:32way too so yeah no no no and and I hope
30:35uh anyone who's listening like the
30:37reason why I wanted to open up that
30:38conversation is because it's also
30:40interesting to hear from someone who
30:41just loves what they do is excited about
30:43it and then naturally there's this
30:45bigger thing going on uh in society and
30:48culture and Industry and it's like you
30:50might just be doing your thing and not
30:52know at a time when you know you don't
30:54realize it how did you feel about when
30:55it stopped and now of course we know
30:56it's coming back the plan is to be more
30:58inclusive I'm really glad that it's
31:01coming back in a different way and from
31:02a different lens and a different
31:04perspective because I think you know I'm
31:07I'm so happy I still work with Victoria
31:09Secret and I'm you know been a part of
31:11the brand for 10 years and I've seen the
31:14shift that they've made and the changes
31:16that they're trying to make and it's to
31:17me
31:19it's a little relaxing you know a bit of
31:21a breath of fresh air because now I am
31:23at a different phase in my life where
31:25you know maybe I don't want to work out
31:26like that anymore you know know what I
31:28mean when I was younger and you know it
31:30was exciting to do so then sure I could
31:33definitely I was let's do this but you
31:37know 10 years later and also I haven't
31:40done that show in how many years now how
31:43long has it been since the last one you
31:44know so five years maybe maybe four
31:47maybe more I don't know um you know I I
31:51I feel when it comes back I I'm excited
31:55that it's going to be so so different
31:58but also I I hope that we can still
32:01maintain some of the the fun some of the
32:03glamour some of the beauty because I
32:05think reclaiming it for ourselves as
32:07women is really important because you
32:10know if you want to feel sexy and you
32:11want to be sexy I don't think there's
32:13anything wrong with that but you want to
32:15do it for yourself not for in not for
32:18the objectification of what men want you
32:21know so and I think that's the
32:22difference now and I think you know
32:24that's definitely the goal with the
32:26Victoria Secret fashion show
32:28coming back is to make sure that women
32:31are doing it you know we're comfortable
32:33they ask me you know what Wings would
32:35you want to wear and are you excited
32:36about doing this and you know what do
32:38you want to see when the show comes back
32:40and I really appreciate that you know I
32:42value that they're asking how I feel and
32:45you know what I would like to see as a
32:47woman doing it as a woman who's done it
32:48before and you know will'll probably do
32:50it again so um I'm just I'm excited that
32:54it's going to be very different and I
32:57hope that it can be perceived in a way
32:59that's you know not setting an
33:00unrealistic Beauty standard because
33:03that's what it 100% what it was and you
33:05know maybe I was maybe some of that like
33:10expectation was put on me but I didn't
33:11realize it at the time because I was so
33:13young you know I didn't you don't again
33:15you don't know what you don't know and
33:17now that I'm 28 you know 10 years later
33:19from my first show if I look back on my
33:22first show it's kind of like I'm sure so
33:24many women who were at that show felt
33:26such an intense pressure to look a
33:29certain way and work out a certain way
33:31and that's probably why some people had
33:32an unhealthy relationship with it and
33:35maybe just the timing of my age and
33:37where I was at and where my heads space
33:40was at I got really lucky that I didn't
33:42feel any of those things but that
33:44doesn't mean it still wasn't happening
33:45for other people and that doesn't mean
33:47that it didn't make Society or other
33:49women watching it feel that way so like
33:51you know I just I hope that well said
33:53yeah there's definitely both they both
33:55sit with sit with me so yeah everyone
33:58who's listening or watching I can
33:59definitely I I definitely hear what
34:01you're saying and and I can see how much
34:02of a it's such a complicated complex
34:05layered topic when it's personal but
34:08Collective and it's hard to kind of
34:11verbalize and talk about something
34:12because it is very complex so how do I
34:15put that into words but I I I do see
34:18both and and they it's weird two things
34:20can be true at the same time you know
34:22what I mean sometimes emotions are
34:23parallel and they're really just
34:24happening one's happening here and one
34:26it's also happening and you're going on
34:27the same path and you're going to the
34:29same place and you're feeling two
34:30different things at the exact same time
34:32so I I look back on it and I have new
34:35emotions that sit alongside the old ones
34:37and the joy and like the wow that I felt
34:39there but then I can see how everything
34:42happened and I can see the heaviness and
34:43I can understand like I see where Maybe
34:46by me talking so positively about it
34:48makes other people feel a negative way
34:51like I I would never want to make
34:53somebody feel like that so I have to
34:55acknowledge that and be like okay I I
34:58know I see now like we've we were in
35:00like we were the early 2000s we were in
35:02this bubble of this thing and it popped
35:04and now we can see clearly and I see it
35:07so I get it but you know also if I'm
35:09going to talk about my personal
35:10experience while I was in it it was I
35:11did have a great time and I I personally
35:14went about it and what I feel like was
35:16as healthy as I could possibly be like
35:18trust me I was eating I was working out
35:20I was doing I was doing all the things
35:22like I should be doing to make sure that
35:23I'm not you know being unhealthy and
35:27having a a negative thing that was
35:29happening in my mind and my body so well
35:31I really appreciate that kind of the way
35:33you've presented that because I think
35:36there's so much truth to it and I think
35:39if anything it helps us become more
35:41aware of hey let's try and be aware of
35:43bubbles but by the nature of a bubble
35:46you're not aware of it until it pops and
35:49so when it pops then we all become aware
35:51of it and then all of a sudden so it's
35:53almost like we've got to give we've got
35:56to give ourselves Grace we've got to
35:57give others Grace we've got to give
35:59everyone time and space to kind of
36:01understand and grow and Rise together
36:03yeah because and and this doesn't just
36:05apply to the beauty industry or the
36:07modeling industry this applies to so
36:09many Industries across the world where I
36:11think there's a need for Collective
36:13Grace on both sides and then and then
36:15Rising together and and I love and I
36:17completely agree with you I think you're
36:19allowed to have your own experience I I
36:21almost think about it sometimes to do
36:23with entrepreneurship too like a lot of
36:25people will be like entrepreneurship is
36:26really tough it's really hard work and
36:28there's the hustle culture of you have
36:30to work 18 hours a day and you have to
36:32do this and you have to do that and I
36:34always say to people like if I'm
36:36completely honest for the first two
36:37years of my career three years of my
36:38career I did work 18 hours a day and I'm
36:40really happy I did like it was amazing
36:42and I'm really grateful and yes some
36:44parts of it were unhealthy but it it
36:46allowed me to get to where I wanted to
36:48get to in order to put things in place
36:50to be more healthy and that's my
36:52personal experience of it and that's not
36:55right or wrong or the best way or the
36:58worst way it's just how it's worked for
37:00me uh and and you could look at that and
37:02be like oh well 18 hours is a hustle
37:03culture and there's no balance and I'm
37:05like but it's it's each of us have got
37:08to find what's comfortable and natural
37:11for us and you're allowed to have your
37:12own experience and also recognize that
37:14there's negatives within it yeah cuz you
37:16you know you working those 18 hour days
37:18and when you realize well maybe I
37:20shouldn't be doing that or you have
37:22maybe this realization of maybe I should
37:25have more balance in my life maybe I
37:27should do this
37:28oh okay like then you can maybe fix it
37:30and grow from it and change and not do
37:32that anymore but doesn't mean that when
37:33you were doing it you were you know
37:35having a terrible time maybe you were
37:37having fun and you were just excited
37:39that you get to do this work and all
37:41that stuff and then you can look back on
37:43and be like w I was actually some more
37:45overwhelmed than I thought I was oh okay
37:47like that's I that's what that was cuz
37:50sometimes you feel these things and some
37:52new emotions that you've never felt
37:54before and you can't pinpoint what it is
37:56exactly until you hear somebody say it
37:58or there's a new topic of discussion
38:00where people are like do you guys ever
38:01feel this and then you're like I do feel
38:03that what is that and then you discover
38:05oh it's burnout like oh see I there was
38:08never a word for it before that's what
38:10that is so it's just like acknowledging
38:12and and recognizing something and then
38:14being like okay well we're not going to
38:15do that anymore but I did do it so you
38:18know we're not going to do that yeah
38:20it's so true I mean I I think about that
38:22when I was young I used to have certain
38:25um physical Sensations or experiences in
38:27my in my heart space in my chest space
38:29and I would go to the doctors I would
38:30tell my mom and we'd go get checked out
38:32the doctors had no clue they were like
38:33you're absolutely fine yeah and now I
38:36look back I'm like oh I had anxiety oh I
38:38had panic attacks I had no idea and no
38:40one in my no one ever used that language
38:42I saw multiple doctors no one ever said
38:44it to me Y and so I just moved on with
38:45life and got on with it and became
38:47better at dealing with it and now I look
38:49back and I'm like oh now there's a word
38:50for it and now we can label it and talk
38:52about it but I didn't know then and
38:55there's been definitely times in my life
38:56where I've been in denial that I've been
38:57in stress or a burnout and then I look
39:00back and I'm like oh now I can notice it
39:03but at that time I just needed to push
39:04through or whatever it may be but I mean
39:07talking about this and talking about
39:08relate relevant emotional
39:11experiences uh I was talking about my
39:12friend earlier and you were talking to
39:14me about the experience you went through
39:16you shared this on social media you
39:18talked about the loss of Tate and the
39:20grief you've experienced which is What's
39:23led to tat and Taylor which is this
39:25incredible new platform and Company
39:27that's supporting so many people walk I
39:30want to talk about what you've built and
39:33the passion and the purpose behind it
39:35but let's talk about the grief of losing
39:40a friend uh because that's really what
39:43this is a really dear friend uh walk me
39:47through those nine years and and the
39:49amazing relationship you built with Tate
39:51yeah Tate Oh My Angel um I got Tate when
39:54I was 18 so it was really kind of
39:58in the mix of all the My Life Changing
40:00you know I I booked the Victoria Secret
40:02fashion show not very long after I I tap
40:05came into my life and we went we walked
40:08through life together for 9 years and he
40:11was my best friend
40:15and oh gosh it's so hard to put it into
40:18words because it's
40:21um it's so it's such a unique thing to
40:24have a deep relationship with an animal
40:27and it sounds I hope I don't sound crazy
40:31I'm going to sound a little crazy but
40:32like I just feel like the love that you
40:36know dogs and animals in general have
40:39for humans is
40:41so unconditional you know and they have
40:46no judgment they don't want anything
40:49from you but your love back and it's so
40:52pure and it's so innocent it's almost
40:56childlike in a way you know when I I I
40:59can only imagine you know when you hold
41:01a newborn baby for the first time that
41:02immediate connection that you feel to
41:04this thing that can't even talk yet and
41:06is just a part of you it's um it's
41:11really special to have such a a deep
41:13connection to something that literally
41:15wants nothing from you except for also
41:18the like unconditional love so to have
41:21tap come into my life at that time was
41:24so special just because so much was
41:26changing you know I was growing up I was
41:29you know becoming a young woman from a
41:32girl to a woman and he was there for
41:35that and you know I was traveling all
41:37the time and I was away from family and
41:40I just had this little tiny innocent
41:43soul with me that just always looked at
41:45me like you're the best and I love you
41:48and Tate taught me so much I mean he
41:50taught me you know responsibility caring
41:54for something other than myself you know
41:57taking care of him you know pouring love
41:59into him and making sure that he was
42:01good and you know even well behaved and
42:05training him and doing all those things
42:06is is showing him an act of love and
42:09making sure that he's a confident
42:10comfortable dog he he could be in any
42:13scenario and he was the best boy and I
42:14think he also kind of knew that I was
42:16just kind of out there winging it a bit
42:18and he was like oh God this girl this
42:20girl has no idea what she's doing so I'm
42:21going to have to be a good boy now and
42:23he just I really sometimes feel like he
42:25did teach himself um how to just be
42:29everywhere with me all the time and I
42:31think that he was meant for me and he
42:33was meant to be in my life and I think
42:34that we were sort of made to for each
42:37other and we belonged to each other um
42:40and you know he was he was
42:44so it sounds crazy to say this about a
42:46dog but he was so emotional like his
42:48eyes were so human he could look at me
42:51and I knew what he was saying or what he
42:54was thinking or I felt that could feel
42:57what I was thinking or what I was
42:59feeling and I definitely think that he
43:03also taught me a lot about you know
43:04emotion and you
43:07know being you know what's that saying
43:10you know be the person your dog thinks
43:12you are they think you're great you know
43:15they're like I love you no matter what
43:18yes Mom yes so that's the energy they
43:21give you right is like you're the best
43:24and it's just like am I the best but to
43:28housing you know this little creature
43:30just look at you and think you're the
43:31best it kind of makes you want to be the
43:34best right you know constantly trying to
43:37grow and be better and change and you
43:40know nobody's perfect and no one will
43:42ever be perfect and we're always
43:43learning and we're always growing and um
43:46we're always changing but having
43:48something to do that for and having some
43:51someone to do that with is is really is
43:54it's different you know like it's more
43:55intentional right so
43:57trying to be better because Tate thinks
43:59I'm the best is it's a different
44:02motivation so he definitely um was there
44:05for me through you know so much of my
44:07life and so much of my life changing I
44:10think from you know 18 to 27 are pretty
44:14formative years I don't I'm not a doctor
44:17but I someone told me once that your
44:19brain stops developing a 25 or something
44:22so you know he was there oh sorry I hit
44:24the mic I talk with my hands um he was
44:28there he was there from when I had a
44:31undeveloped brain to a developed brain
44:34you know he kind of just saw me through
44:36and he was he was just the best I mean
44:40the love of my life I mean my soulmate
44:42really
44:43because he just knew you know and I've
44:45never had a connection with any anyone
44:47like that that I've had with Tate so um
44:51I'm just I'm really grateful that he was
44:53in my life he's the inspiration behind
44:55me even wanting to start a pet company
44:58just
44:59because I love him so much and I know
45:02other people have felt that before
45:04people who've had you know what I like
45:06to call a soul dog they know what I'm
45:08talking about you know they know that
45:09feeling and when I share that I lost
45:12tape people who who' you know been on my
45:14journey with me and been maybe following
45:16me for a bit know the day I got him and
45:18maybe saw saw him on my Instagram all
45:20the time I mean he was probably in every
45:21single picture on my Instagram for nine
45:24years so I feel like people felt like
45:25they knew him and when I said when I you
45:29know shared that he was sick and then
45:31when I ultimately shared that he had
45:33passed the overwhelming amount of
45:36support and you know messages that I got
45:39and also shared experiences that I
45:42received from I lost my soul dog 10
45:44years ago and I still think about them
45:46every single day it made me feel it made
45:49me feel less alone and less maybe kind
45:53of strange for feeling this way about a
45:55dog because I you know you both you get
45:57I got amazing overwhelming comments that
46:00were just overwhelmingly positive I mean
46:03just I you know I know what you've what
46:06you're going through I went through this
46:08you know just remember he's always with
46:10you you know I got messages like that
46:11that touched me so deeply and positively
46:17and I just felt so grateful that I got
46:18those messages but then of course you
46:20get the flip side where people don't
46:21understand they're like oh it's a dog
46:23what's the big deal you know oh it's a
46:24dog move on oh um never move on from
46:28Tate's death my grief will change for
46:31sure um my perspective of his death will
46:36change um and it and it has even since I
46:39lost him you know
46:41I it's it's devastating and it's
46:45heartbreaking
46:47and you know to anyone who's felt that I
46:50know that feels like and don't let
46:53anybody rush you you know some people
46:55don't understand that it's just because
46:57this is a dog and you know not a person
47:00it doesn't mean
47:01that they don't deserve the same amount
47:04of time and space and energy you would
47:06give to grieving anything else so I
47:11would just say you know take your time
47:13and you're not alone and it's it's a not
47:17a fun thing to go through at all
47:20so um I think I'll always mate you know
47:25I don't see how I can't you know and I
47:28think to say to to get over something is
47:32such a harsh way of saying it because
47:34I'll probably never get over it I'll
47:36never really get over losing
47:39Tate I can heal from it and I can find
47:43you know peace with it but those are two
47:46completely different things getting over
47:48it you can't how do you get over that
47:50you know it does it's not something that
47:53it's not a object in my way it's he's a
47:55part of me and he's no longer here
47:59so yeah I definitely think um losing a
48:02pet is is tough and you know losing one
48:06that you have such a deep strong
48:07connection with that's been with you for
48:10so many things with no expectation from
48:12you other than just they want to be
48:13there with you is that's a tough loss
48:16and a tough thing to to um work through
48:20so thank you for sharing that I mean I
48:23like I was saying to you I've had two
48:25friends recently who've both lost pets
48:28that they were dogs that they were close
48:30to for many many years and I've been
48:32talking to them and when this
48:34opportunity came up to talk to you I was
48:36thinking about you and then thinking
48:38about them and I can't wait to share
48:40this conversation with them because it's
48:43I I don't think there's anyone who has a
48:46pet that they're deeply close to that
48:48sees it as a loss that's different of
48:51any kind and and why would you when that
48:53person has been there with you through
48:54all these experiences walk through like
48:57what is it like when you get that call
48:59or you have that meeting with the vet or
49:02the doctor that goes this is the
49:03condition that Tate hasn't please tell
49:05us a bit about the condition and that
49:07experience because I feel like to me
49:10when I think about grief and loss it's
49:11like that point in the journey is so
49:15pivotal to everything that comes after
49:17it because it's like the first time it
49:18really hits you that this may not last
49:23yeah and also it can dictate your your
49:26journey and how you grieve and why
49:27you're grieving so Tate was diagnosed
49:30with te cell lymphoma and you know he
49:34was acting strangely
49:37probably less than a month before his
49:40diagnosis it was little things very
49:42subtle things and almost things that
49:44were already kind of things that he had
49:48been doing before but they were just a
49:49little bit more frequent or a little bit
49:51more extreme and I was like that's
49:52really weird so Tate had a very
49:54sensitive stomach he would always
49:56sometimes
49:57I don't want to say the word throw up
49:59but sorry guys if you're triggered by
50:01that um he would throw up his food
50:03sometimes and he like it didn't always
50:05like sit well with him and he he had
50:08like you know already had like digest
50:10digestion problems from when he was a
50:13puppy but probably a couple weeks before
50:16his cancer diagnosis he was still
50:19throwing up food he was like drinking
50:22water excessively like drinking a lot of
50:24water like he seemed very very thirsty
50:26and then when I ultimately was like okay
50:28something is really really wrong um it
50:32was incontinence so he was peeing in the
50:35bed at night which was he never did that
50:37he was such a good boy I was like he
50:39would never do this intentionally so um
50:42I took him to the doctor and I was like
50:44something is wrong he's you know it's
50:47not strange or abnormal that he's
50:48throwing up his food but it's strange
50:50that he threw up water yesterday and
50:52it's strange that he peed in the bed and
50:54I don't think that those are normal
50:56things so you know they're doing blood
50:58tests his calcium levels are off I don't
51:01remember in what way just because
51:04honestly it's all a bit of a blur
51:05because it's it was a very emotional
51:07time so but I do remember his calcium
51:10levels there was something wrong there
51:12so they did another test that was a bit
51:13more of a deep dive into that they were
51:16like okay yeah this is a problem we
51:19should probably do an exray so you know
51:22that was a week ago so now it's a week
51:24later and you know getting these
51:27appointments and like seeing the doctors
51:28you know it's just sometimes not always
51:30easy even in dogs even you know in in
51:32veterinar um circumstances it's weirdly
51:35sometimes similar to human doctors you
51:37know it's just getting these
51:38appointments and getting into SE it's
51:40like well something is wrong can we just
51:41do this now like why are we sitting here
51:43and waiting um he doesn't feel good so
51:46we go in for the X-ray and um you know
51:50sure enough they they find a mass in his
51:53shoulder in his lymph node near his
51:55shoulder and they're like okay well we
51:56think it's lymphoma so you know you need
51:59to take him to an
52:01oncologist and you know these are the
52:03oncologists that we recommend I'm
52:05calling every Hospital in New York that
52:07I possibly can to see you know who can I
52:10take him to right away everyone was you
52:13know this was maybe May everyone was
52:15like our next appointment isn't until
52:17June 16th our next appointment isn't
52:19until July 16th I'm like okay well my
52:22dog was just diagnosed with cancer or
52:24what they think to be is cancer I can't
52:26can't imagine that he can wait until
52:28June or July um and I don't really know
52:32what to do next so he starts getting
52:35worse and he's not eating anymore and he
52:38has no appetite and he can't keep even
52:41water down so my husband actually takes
52:44him to the vet um I'm out of town this
52:46when this is happening and she says he's
52:50in a really bad State he's severely
52:52dehydrated you need to take him to the
52:54emergency room right now and and they'll
52:57check him into the ICU and then maybe
52:59then he'll be seen by an oncologist and
53:01I was like why didn't you tell me that
53:03before Oh my God I would have done that
53:05a week ago even though he wasn't in a
53:07state of emergency he has we we think he
53:10has cancer we think he has t- cell t-
53:13cell lymphoma that's very aggressive so
53:16we um we my husband takes him to the
53:20emergency room and sure enough they do
53:22they check him into the ICU he's you
53:25know very severely dehydrated he's very
53:27weak he hasn't eaten in like 2 days and
53:31he's on a weight list to see an
53:32oncologist that day
53:35and wow remembering all this is hard cuz
53:38I wasn't in town when this was happening
53:39and I get these calls that Tate's in the
53:42emergency room Tate's in the ICU I'm not
53:45there I'm petrified I'm going to lose
53:48him I'm not going to be
53:51there
53:53and he's seen by the oncologist they do
53:56all the tests they do all the scans yes
53:59he does have t- cell
54:01lymphoma it's throughout his entire body
54:04he has multiple you know masses on
54:08multiple lymph nodes
54:11and he he definitely doesn't have much
54:15much more time
54:17left so I get home as soon as I can I'm
54:22in the ICU with him and you know all
54:27this is happening days before our
54:29wedding actually um I was in the
54:31hospital with him on a Monday and on
54:35Thursday I was meant to fly back home to
54:38Colorado to get married and I'm in New
54:40York in the hospital in the ICU with
54:43Tate and you know I'm looking at him and
54:45I'm asking him like if you if you need
54:47to go like please let me know like I
54:49will let you go you know like I don't
54:51want to make him do anything that he
54:54doesn't want to do because sometimes I
54:56feel like when you're dealing with a
54:58sick animal we can be quite selfish and
55:00I want him to be there and I want him to
55:02be okay and I want him to be at my
55:04wedding and all these things that I want
55:06but what about him him he doesn't feel
55:08good he's sick he's in the
55:10hospital so Tate was at the Animal
55:13Medical Center in New York the shorman
55:15Animal Medical Center and a lot of what
55:17we do at Tate and Taylor is I have a
55:20whole cancer like a [ __ ] cancer merch
55:23collection line where 100% of the profit
55:25that we make goes back back to um a a
55:28fund that they have at the Animal
55:30Medical Center called the Buddy fund and
55:33what the Buddy fund does is help
55:36subsidize the cost or cover the cost and
55:38total of chemotherapy and Cancer
55:40Treatments and pets amazing it's an
55:42incredible program and it's an
55:44incredible hospital and a part of my
55:47journey and story with Tate so much of
55:50it has to do with the amazing the
55:53oncology department at the Animal
55:54Medical Center is amazing they're the
55:56largest nonprofit Hospital in the world
55:59and they they're they have so many
56:02amazing programs there they're teaching
56:03hospital so it's a really it's a great
56:06place Tate was in the best hands when he
56:08was there and while even though I was
56:11going through something quite emotional
56:13and a turbulent time of is he going to
56:14make it to one of the spe most special
56:16days of my life and or is he not I I had
56:20an amazing doctor there she was so
56:22supportive she was about to get married
56:25she was you know getting married a week
56:26after me so she was I I have a dog and
56:28she was like I can't she's like I can't
56:30imagine what you're feeling right now I
56:32mean she's she's like I can't imagine
56:33what you're feeling right now you know
56:35getting married your dog in the hospital
56:37this is your baby and you know you're he
56:40might not be there so the the team that
56:44the oncology team was so amazing with
56:46Tate and with me they did everything in
56:49their power they're like well we think
56:51we should start you know the chop
56:53protocol which is what he started and um
56:56um he started responding to it really
56:58positively so I I'm you know those a
57:02small segue cut back to you know I'm
57:03looking at Tate I'm like please tell me
57:05like do you want to fight this like are
57:08you going to stick it out I you don't
57:10have to do the you don't have to come I
57:12know I want you to but I need to do
57:14what's best for you and after I you know
57:17said this to him he it's you know he's
57:20going in to have a feeding tube put in
57:23because he's not eating and he's about
57:25to start the chop protocol they want to
57:26make sure he has nutrients in his body
57:28so they put a feeding tube in so that
57:30they can start giving administering you
57:33know nutrients to him and immediately
57:36flipped he went from looking like he was
57:39on death's doorstep to Tate he was
57:43wagging his tail he was energetic he was
57:45you know you doing it he was him I was
57:49like it was the next day and this is
57:51Wednesday I'm supposed to leave Thursday
57:53for the
57:54wedding I was my mind was blown I was
57:57like oh my God I can't believe it I was
57:59like T are you lying to me right now
58:02what are you doing what is this all of a
58:04sudden he knew he knew he wanted to be
58:07there I asked him I was like do you what
58:08do you need what do you want they they
58:11you know put the feeding T they're
58:12administering the his first dose of the
58:14chop protocol and you know he's able to
58:17put get some nutrients in his body he's
58:18a different dog I'm like okay this dog
58:21wants to fight this for me he wants to
58:23pull through right now so he does make
58:26it to the wedding it was an amazing
58:29beautiful experience be able to share
58:30that with him because literally every
58:32person who he's ever loved and who has
58:34ever loved Tate was there and they got
58:39to they got to say goodbye to him you
58:41know as not to sound morbid but it is it
58:44was a it's in a way sort of cancer and
58:48dogs is it's not curable they don't live
58:51much longer than maybe a year you know
58:55sometimes in some cases to like it's
58:57different you know you they treat dogs
58:59to live the best quality of life if they
59:02can for the rest of their lives until
59:03they get to a point where it's okay well
59:06it's it's their time so it was a way for
59:10people to say goodbye to him because we
59:11knew he wouldn't be around for much
59:13longer we didn't know how much longer
59:14but it wasn't going to be much longer um
59:18and it was really special you know my my
59:22best friend from my childhood someone
59:24I've known since I was 5 years old he
59:25was was um um what did I call him oh my
59:28man of honor and uh he walked him down
59:31the aisle and it was really special and
59:33you know people were crying and everyone
59:36was hugging Tate and kissing Tate and
59:37just it was so special for me to be able
59:40to see and feel the love for him knowing
59:42what he had gone through and what we
59:44were going through and it felt like it
59:46truly felt like a miracle that he made
59:49it there and that he was there that day
59:52um so then you know we get back to New
59:55York and he's you know he's on maybe
59:58number two or three of his
1:00:02doses um it's a 16 we process and we
1:00:06were probably only on like week two and
1:00:09so because he had te- cell lymphoma it's
1:00:12a it's very aggressive and it adapts in
1:00:14the body really quickly and you know
1:00:17since Tate had tumors throughout his
1:00:19entire body um we didn't know how he was
1:00:23would respond to it he he was 9 years
1:00:25old so he was older but he wasn't old
1:00:30old I guess so the doctors were like
1:00:32well we're not really sure he's nine
1:00:34it's old but he's still energetic he's
1:00:35still quite youthful like we're going to
1:00:37kind of play it by a and see how this
1:00:39goes um and then it was we were um we
1:00:44were in New York for maybe about a week
1:00:4610 days or so and he started to get
1:00:49really really bad again really bad we
1:00:52take him back to the emergency room um
1:00:55they you know he's back in the ICU and
1:00:59they're doing all the blood work and the
1:01:01tests and you know checking on him and
1:01:05he
1:01:07um the cancer in his body had adapted to
1:01:10the to the chemotherapy treatments and
1:01:13it was attacking his kidneys now and um
1:01:17essentially you know his doctor
1:01:20said if he doesn't pass from the cancer
1:01:24he'll pass from kidney failure failure
1:01:26so right now we're in a position where
1:01:28there's not much more we can do and he's
1:01:31not comfortable he's in a lot of pain
1:01:33he's very sick um he she said it's
1:01:36completely up to you and I can't tell
1:01:38you what to do all I can tell you is
1:01:39where he's at what the health the the
1:01:43condition of his health right now is not
1:01:46good so you know we ultimately have to
1:01:49come to the to the decision to let take
1:01:51go because I don't want him to live like
1:01:53that that's so selfish you know I think
1:01:56to try to keep treating him when
1:02:00he's yeah he's
1:02:02not he shouldn't he shouldn't be you
1:02:04know so um we were able to um make an
1:02:09appointment with a doctor that that does
1:02:11humane euthanization in home so that
1:02:14Tate could be with me my husband and we
1:02:18were in our home together and we got to
1:02:21hold him and you know he didn't have to
1:02:24go back to the hospital because going
1:02:26there was it was a scary thing for M
1:02:29could tell it was stressful because
1:02:31that's where they would take him away
1:02:32from me and I knew he wanted to be with
1:02:34me he was very attached to me so I
1:02:36didn't want to have to take him back
1:02:38there I didn't want him to have to pass
1:02:41in that
1:02:42environment not to speak neg it wasn't a
1:02:44negative space at all it was actually
1:02:46very happy it was a very beautiful space
1:02:49the doctors were amazing there and it
1:02:51was it was both it was tough because it
1:02:54was what we were going through was so so
1:02:56difficult but they were so they were so
1:02:59amazing they they were so positive their
1:03:00energy was so great so it wasn't that it
1:03:03was a dark scary place it was just I
1:03:05wanted him to feel as comfortable as
1:03:07possible and I know that by him walking
1:03:09in there he was like he would be like oh
1:03:11no like I'm in this place again they're
1:03:13going to take me away from you mom so I
1:03:15didn't want to bring him back there and
1:03:16have to you know his last moments be in
1:03:19a place where he didn't know what was
1:03:20going to happen to him so we did it at
1:03:23home and um it was was really special
1:03:27that I um got to hold him and you know
1:03:30comfort him and be with him that was the
1:03:33most important thing to me I was I
1:03:35absolutely have to be there like I have
1:03:37to be there and I think he knew that and
1:03:40I think he wanted me to be there and he
1:03:42waited so that we could do we could do
1:03:45it together and we could be
1:03:54together and it's
1:03:56it's a tough thing you
1:03:58know like having to you know witness
1:04:02someone die is not fun
1:04:07um especially him you know for me was he
1:04:11was he was everything to
1:04:14me and
1:04:16um just based off of that experience
1:04:19that I have with him I know so many
1:04:21people probably have felt that way have
1:04:23been in a similar situation and
1:04:26I know it's it's really
1:04:30hard going through that
1:04:32so
1:04:34I'm grateful for the way that everything
1:04:36happened with me with Tate um it's so
1:04:40crazy they know like they know
1:04:44they're these Spiritual Beings I think
1:04:47animals they're more spiritual than us
1:04:49they have so much more they have
1:04:51different types of Consciousness I think
1:04:53than people do
1:04:55he knew what I needed and he knew what
1:04:58how I needed him to go and he he like he
1:05:01really did that for
1:05:03me
1:05:05and it was really even though it was
1:05:07really tough it was really also
1:05:10beautiful at the same time to be able to
1:05:12hold him in his last moments and he was
1:05:14there for me for every single moment and
1:05:16I got to be there for him in this moment
1:05:18I he didn't feel fear he didn't feel
1:05:21pain he was I held him in my arms and I
1:05:25was you know we were just I got to hold
1:05:27him so he was very I know he was
1:05:30comfortable and I I felt that with him
1:05:33and I that's why I wanted to be there so
1:05:35I just could make sure that he felt
1:05:38nothing but comfort and no pain and just
1:05:42happiness and love like you could feel
1:05:45my love
1:05:47so um that's sort of the you know the
1:05:52story of Tate and his his illness and
1:05:54his cancer and what you know sort of of
1:05:55what we went through um and you
1:05:58know treating cancer is so expensive
1:06:02even with insurance and you know part of
1:06:04why the um the Buddy fund is something
1:06:07that we're so passionate about and why I
1:06:10feel like I want Tate and Taylor as a
1:06:11brand to be really um cause-driven and
1:06:15have an initiative and have a purpose
1:06:17and have a reason behind it is because
1:06:20of you know what I went through with
1:06:22Tate I started building Tate and Taylor
1:06:24with him not that any of this would
1:06:26happen and then before we even got to
1:06:29launch and start the company publicly I
1:06:32lost him and it shifted sort of a lot of
1:06:35the drive and some of the purpose that
1:06:37we have um
1:06:40and being having to decide
1:06:43between
1:06:45being having a financial burden and
1:06:47being in a place where you may or may
1:06:49not be able to financially care for your
1:06:50pet and those last Precious Moments the
1:06:53ones that even I know I got to have with
1:06:55Tate those last few weeks with him were
1:06:59the the best weeks ever in my memory of
1:07:02my life with him because he got to come
1:07:05to my wedding he was back to himself for
1:07:07a little bit these like special little
1:07:08things and times that we Shar together
1:07:11they were so important in how I was able
1:07:13to heal going forward once I did lose
1:07:16him so I think being able to help
1:07:18support people who are going through
1:07:20this with their pets and go through
1:07:22cancer and you know that that journey
1:07:25and that path and and what that looks
1:07:27like is something I really I have such a
1:07:30um a passion for and something I really
1:07:32want to be able to help because I went
1:07:35through all of this with him and I know
1:07:36what that feels like and I know what
1:07:38that pain is and what how what that
1:07:41weight feels like and what the grief
1:07:43feels
1:07:44like how can I be there for other people
1:07:47and how can I help other people who are
1:07:48going through this so they they never
1:07:50have to think about that um and that's
1:07:52why we picked the Buddy fun just because
1:07:54of the experience that I have with Tate
1:07:56at AMC and so many people I know so many
1:07:59people who've who've had that experience
1:08:01and you know I um spoke with Tate's
1:08:04oncologist Dr Rachel lordal and um you
1:08:08know we posted it on the Tate and Taylor
1:08:09Instagram and I got a couple of comments
1:08:10that were like I love Dr Rachel she was
1:08:12there for me with with my um with my dog
1:08:16and you know she's amazing and so people
1:08:18feel people feel it from them from that
1:08:21place and that fund is so imp act F
1:08:26because when you're going through
1:08:27something like that to have to worry
1:08:30about whether or not you can afford care
1:08:32and whether or not you can even get
1:08:33those extra that extra time and just see
1:08:37how they're even going to respond to
1:08:38treatment I mean I can't even I don't
1:08:40even want to we nobody wants to have to
1:08:43go there and make that decision so I got
1:08:46so much support when I lost hate and I
1:08:48just want to do everything I can to
1:08:49support others because I know other
1:08:50people go through this and there are
1:08:52people in that position and it breaks my
1:08:54heart to even think that somebody would
1:08:56have to go
1:08:58through yeah I just I
1:09:01can't it's hard to um to verbalize that
1:09:04pain and I cuz I I can I can so clearly
1:09:06visualize what that feeling could be and
1:09:09having to make that decision and um I
1:09:11got to make it when I did with tape and
1:09:14I'm I'm I'm so grateful that I I I was
1:09:17able to do that and I just want to be
1:09:19able to to share to like give that back
1:09:21give that time give it to others like
1:09:23how can I help give people more time
1:09:27with their soulmates I guess Taylor
1:09:31thank you so much for opening up so
1:09:34intimately about that journey and I
1:09:37remember seeing the beautiful
1:09:40and amazing pictures and memories you
1:09:43shared with Tate on social media
1:09:46and but to hear the the actual Journey
1:09:49behind it just thank you so much for
1:09:51being so open and and giving and I'm
1:09:54very confident
1:09:57that I mean I I haven't lost a pet or a
1:10:02dog and I don't know what that feels
1:10:03like but even just sitting here
1:10:05listening to you I know that anyone who
1:10:06has or anyone who may do so in the
1:10:09future will have this to turn to as a
1:10:12way of connecting with and to humanize
1:10:15their experience and also validate their
1:10:18experience of How Deeply they love yeah
1:10:21this friend in their life and I wanted
1:10:22to ask you what would you two questions
1:10:26what would
1:10:28you for anyone who is grieving the loss
1:10:31of a pet friend a dog like what would
1:10:35you want them to know about the grieving
1:10:37process and the second question is if
1:10:40someone has a friend or family member
1:10:42that's going through it what would you
1:10:44like them to know in order to offer help
1:10:47or support to that person I would say if
1:10:49you're going through if you're going
1:10:51through this loss and you're you know
1:10:53coping with this type of
1:10:57grief I think patience just be patient
1:11:01with yourself feel it you know grief is
1:11:05like an ocean sometimes it's Relentless
1:11:08sometimes it's calm sometimes the waves
1:11:09are huge and crashing sometimes it's
1:11:11completely still and beautiful and
1:11:13peaceful and you know you're you're able
1:11:15to just float so wherever you're at
1:11:19where whatever your ocean is doing just
1:11:22feel it because
1:11:25one moment it'll feel really calm and
1:11:27you'll feel a sense of perspective maybe
1:11:29a sense of peace and then there'll be a
1:11:31memory or you'll be in a situation where
1:11:34it brings something back up and then the
1:11:35waves come crashing in and you know
1:11:37that's okay sometimes you know I'm I'm
1:11:41almost a year uh to to the day that I
1:11:44lost hate and I'm not fully healed yet
1:11:48and I think that's going to take maybe a
1:11:49couple more years to even feel like I
1:11:51can say I'm Healed from that um I don't
1:11:55think I can ever I don't think anyone
1:11:57ever necessarily moves on and I think if
1:12:00they hear the words move on don't take
1:12:03that let let that roll right off you
1:12:06because there that's not what maybe they
1:12:08mean to move on you may you may never
1:12:10move on but to heal is different you
1:12:14know to heal a wound that so it no
1:12:17longer opens is a different thing and I
1:12:20would say to make sure that you're doing
1:12:21the steps and taking care of yourself in
1:12:23the way you need to to heal cuz it is a
1:12:26wound you know how would you go about if
1:12:29you broke your arm you know you would go
1:12:32to the doctor you would you know set it
1:12:34in a cast you would do all these steps
1:12:36to make sure your arm could work again
1:12:38so I think that losing someone is sort
1:12:41of it's It's a wound it's in it's an
1:12:45internal wound it's some it's a part
1:12:46it's it breaks something in our spirit
1:12:49so it's not something you can see but
1:12:51it's something that needs addressing
1:12:52it's something that needs help it needs
1:12:54time you know however you need to do
1:12:57that and whatever your process looks
1:12:59like to deal with
1:13:03healing just and if you don't know how
1:13:05to do that I think talking to someone I
1:13:09think anyone it doesn't even have to be
1:13:12a therapist you know because I know a
1:13:13lot of people like to say go to therapy
1:13:15well some people don't have access to
1:13:16therapy yet and that's okay but talking
1:13:19about it you know if there's someone you
1:13:21can relate to if you can find anyone in
1:13:23your life who will listen and help help
1:13:25you grieve and you know talk it talk
1:13:28through it with you writing about it
1:13:31talking to yourself about it if you if
1:13:33you prefer writing or journaling or I
1:13:36think there's a couple of different ways
1:13:37to get started in terms of well I don't
1:13:39even know how to heal what does that
1:13:41mean Taylor where do I start what's the
1:13:42process look like it's different for
1:13:44everyone but I think um you know
1:13:47knowledge is power and learning and if
1:13:49you don't know where to start you can
1:13:51talk to someone and maybe ask a couple
1:13:53of questions or ask yourself questions
1:13:56or write things out and start really
1:13:58small and start there and then hopefully
1:14:00you know you can start growing on that
1:14:02and and expanding on okay well I this is
1:14:06what it means to heal this is this is my
1:14:08process this is how I'm going to do this
1:14:10and you know find the tools that work
1:14:12for you and or create the tools that
1:14:14work for you who who knows it's
1:14:16different for everybody it's different
1:14:18for everybody so however that looks like
1:14:20to you whatever that feels like to you
1:14:22as long as you're you're doing what you
1:14:25need to do to ultimately heal from it I
1:14:27think that's a really a really great
1:14:30place to start is just to start thinking
1:14:33about it from there don't worry about
1:14:35moving on or getting over it or if the
1:14:38emotions are stronger sometimes than
1:14:40others they can be really unexpected you
1:14:42know it can it hits you like a wave some
1:14:44days and and that's okay feel it sit
1:14:47there write about it think about it I
1:14:50mean if you want to ignore it for a
1:14:51little bit you can but you know make
1:14:52sure you're always coming back to it and
1:14:53acknowledging it and addressing in it
1:14:55and then you can sort of like Let It Go
1:14:58and be like okay I see you I hear you I
1:15:00feel you we're going to acknowledge that
1:15:03emotion and then we can let it go and
1:15:05then I think that's like those are
1:15:07really good ways to kind of
1:15:08start healing thank you for sharing that
1:15:12yeah and I loved what you were saying
1:15:13about people discovering their own tools
1:15:17discovering their own way not feeling
1:15:19like there has to be a set formula and
1:15:22and even listening to this conversation
1:15:24and I do think
1:15:25I've been encouraging a lot of my
1:15:26friends to reach out to other people
1:15:27who've gone through similar experiences
1:15:29because not that your healing will look
1:15:31the same but that it
1:15:35feels necessary to sit with other people
1:15:38who you feel see you hear you understand
1:15:42you and my friend told me something
1:15:45beautiful about grief that I don't think
1:15:46I'll ever forget they said to me that
1:15:49grief is like a stone and you carry it
1:15:53in your pocket and you'll always notice
1:15:56it you'll feel it you know it's there
1:16:00but as time goes on you get stronger and
1:16:04so as you get stronger it's not that the
1:16:06stone goes away it's just that it gets
1:16:08lighter wow and so it's lighter to carry
1:16:10but it doesn't mean it's going away you
1:16:12didn't move on you didn't have to get
1:16:14over it it doesn't disappear it doesn't
1:16:16get smaller it stays the same you just
1:16:19gets stronger so the stone gets lighter
1:16:21yeah and I and I really appreciated that
1:16:24idea
1:16:25around grief because it sat true with me
1:16:29that it didn't have to go away I didn't
1:16:31have to let go of it I didn't have to
1:16:33forget about it and that it would always
1:16:35be there but just as I grow and as I
1:16:38strengthen and as I become more
1:16:39resilient it becomes lighter and doesn't
1:16:43weigh on me in the same way as the heavy
1:16:45feeling of grief can in the beginning
1:16:47yeah and so yeah thank you for I mean it
1:16:52sounds like you know you shared with me
1:16:55before that there was something you
1:16:57wanted to share with our community here
1:16:59that you hadn't shared before
1:17:01MH
1:17:03and when you mentioned it to me there's
1:17:06something beautiful you said and it was
1:17:08this idea of how Tate has actually been
1:17:11with you
1:17:14through another loss in your life
1:17:17and that's a journey that you haven't
1:17:20shared before could you walk us through
1:17:23how Tate was your best friend through
1:17:25that Journey too so about 3 years ago um
1:17:31I had a
1:17:32miscarriage
1:17:34and I've I've never spoken about it
1:17:39before um except for obviously
1:17:44to people in my life and you know my
1:17:47family knows and my close friends know
1:17:50and I I've shared it with you know some
1:17:54people and I do think you know talking
1:17:56about it is an important thing but you
1:17:58know I've never publicly spoken about it
1:18:00or said that I went through that um and
1:18:04you know I kind of made the decision
1:18:06that I since I'm you know talking about
1:18:09Tate and I'm you know starting this
1:18:11business based off of the love that we
1:18:15have for each other and how I want to be
1:18:17there for people he was there for me in
1:18:19so many ways and how can I you know
1:18:22share that without sharing something I
1:18:24went through that he was there for me
1:18:26for and in grieving his loss I'm
1:18:29grieving the shared experiences we've
1:18:32had and learning how to cope some cope
1:18:35with something without him when he was
1:18:37there for me through that time in my
1:18:40life um I had a it was a really strange
1:18:45circumstance under which I um had my
1:18:47miscarriage I um had an IUD I had it for
1:18:52about 3 years so I obviously you know
1:18:54wasn't actively trying to get pregnant I
1:18:57didn't want to get pregnant at all I was
1:18:59you know engaged to my husband and you
1:19:03know we were not planning on starting a
1:19:06family probably for you know for a while
1:19:08so I wasn't in the headp space at all to
1:19:11to be pregnant um and you know I'm not
1:19:16really sure how it happens because I I
1:19:18don't I I don't know how that works I'm
1:19:21not a doctor and I I didn't understand
1:19:23it and sometimes I still don't
1:19:25understand it um because you know I'm
1:19:27pretty sure I could be wrong on this I
1:19:30probably should have looked it up before
1:19:31I came in here so I could say exactly
1:19:34but um it's a really small percentage
1:19:37like a small chance of getting pregnant
1:19:39on an IUD it's like less than 1% or
1:19:41something like that which is still you
1:19:43know still a chance like it can still
1:19:44happen of course but you some crazy
1:19:48things happen to someone and they it's
1:19:49like that'll never happen to me it
1:19:52happened to me I got pregnant on an IUD
1:19:54and I I was shocked and I was sad I
1:20:00didn't want to be pregnant I wasn't
1:20:01ready to be pregnant I didn't understand
1:20:04what it meant to be pregnant with an IUD
1:20:06I didn't know what that meant I didn't
1:20:07know what my journey with this pregnancy
1:20:10would look like I was so scared I was
1:20:13terrified um and also it was um still
1:20:17during covid so my husband was in he
1:20:21wasn't able to be with me he was in
1:20:22London and um he was in you know kind of
1:20:25not allowed to travel into the us so I I
1:20:29found he was with me in the beginning of
1:20:32um Co and the pandemic but because he's
1:20:34British you know he was on anesta and
1:20:37they were getting people out on tourist
1:20:40visas so his exception to fly out was so
1:20:42he didn't overstay his esta cuz that's
1:20:44the last thing we wanted we were you
1:20:46know planning on getting married like we
1:20:47can't get marks on you know all that
1:20:50stuff so um he left the country because
1:20:53he had to and so then we were separated
1:20:56and we were no longer able to be
1:20:58together I I don't think I saw him for
1:21:00maybe another couple months after that
1:21:03so um he he wasn't with me when I found
1:21:08out I was pregnant and um that was
1:21:11really hard for both of us because all
1:21:13you want to do when you're going through
1:21:16something like that as shocking and
1:21:18unexpected as it was for the both of us
1:21:20is to be there with each other you know
1:21:22I know he wanted more than anything in
1:21:24the world to hold my hand like tell me
1:21:27it's going to be okay like hold me and
1:21:29you know that's all I wanted to and I
1:21:32couldn't be with him and um Tate was
1:21:36with me though you know he was we were
1:21:38together and I'm so grateful that I I
1:21:41had him physically to be there with me
1:21:43physically you know my husband was there
1:21:45for me in every way that he possibly
1:21:48could be but I
1:21:50had the physical connection that that
1:21:53holding that com you know that's
1:21:55something that you need in that space I
1:21:57it was breaking both of our hearts that
1:21:59we didn't have that you know couldn't do
1:22:01that and I think it both gave us like
1:22:03comfort knowing that I had Tate with me
1:22:05for that um you know I had to go to my
1:22:08doctor's appointments alone I you know
1:22:11went in to make sure that I didn't have
1:22:14an what's called an ectopic pregnancy
1:22:16which is when um it the embryo attaches
1:22:19itself in the fallopian tube my
1:22:22pregnancy was in my uterus so it was
1:22:24viable it was technically healthy but
1:22:26the circumstances in the environment on
1:22:30which I got which I conceived was a bit
1:22:33of a turbulent environment so you know
1:22:36my doctor said we don't really know
1:22:38what's going to happen here because you
1:22:39know you conceived in an environment
1:22:41where your body is telling you you
1:22:43shouldn't be pregnant because of the IUD
1:22:45because of the hormones the IUD is
1:22:47putting into your body um and also if we
1:22:50remove it then you know we're changing
1:22:54again the environment on which you
1:22:55conceived so you know
1:22:58it's we don't know 50/50 of whether or
1:23:02not you're going to you know carry this
1:23:05out so um it was really just a waiting
1:23:09game to see if it would stick or not and
1:23:12I was given a couple of markers of you
1:23:15know come back at about 6 and 1 half
1:23:19weeks and we can do internal ultrasound
1:23:22and you know check everything out and
1:23:24see how it's going so you know I'm I'm
1:23:26waiting another week or so I go back in
1:23:28they do the internal ultrasound they're
1:23:31able to like hear a heartbeat um and you
1:23:36know at this point I'm like oh my gosh
1:23:38like I what is happening to me this is
1:23:40so crazy I'm going through all these
1:23:42things I I have a photo I have the
1:23:46picture you know of the ultrasound like
1:23:48that's so great it was like this big you
1:23:50know what I mean and um so I'm at a
1:23:54place in my life where okay maybe I
1:23:56wasn't planning to get pregnant and I
1:23:58wasn't I wasn't ultimately excited about
1:24:01it at first I was scared not excited I
1:24:03was shocked I was confused I I I was
1:24:07feeling fear I wasn't feeling Joy but at
1:24:11the same time I'm going to marry this
1:24:13person I'm in love with this person I
1:24:15want to have a family with this person
1:24:17I'm
1:24:2020 was I 25 or was I 24 I think I was 25
1:24:25I'm 25 that's still young but you know
1:24:28it's I feel somewhat ready if I was to
1:24:31have a child okay so I'm going to start
1:24:33getting in the head space now of I think
1:24:35I'm going to if this pregnancy sticks
1:24:37around like I'm going to have a child
1:24:39okay oh gosh so it's like I'm coming to
1:24:41so many different so many terms of
1:24:44acceptance here where I'm just like okay
1:24:47but I can't get too excited because we
1:24:49don't know what's going to happen I have
1:24:50to pass all of these Milestones to make
1:24:52sure if this is going to be a healthy
1:24:53pregnancy or not
1:24:55um so I get to about roughly 9 weeks and
1:24:59you know she's like okay well we're
1:25:01getting closer you know she's optimistic
1:25:03that this could be happening you know
1:25:05usually it's about 12 to 14 weeks when
1:25:08you start telling people um so I'm like
1:25:13oh my God it's getting closer like maybe
1:25:14this is going to happen um and I'm
1:25:18starting to accept that this is going to
1:25:20happen um it's still really early though
1:25:23so of course not too excited I'm not at
1:25:25that that check mark yet and then um I
1:25:31start spotting but it was it was like um
1:25:36it wasn't bright red it wasn't blood yet
1:25:38and so then the doctor was like well
1:25:40that's normal sometimes that happens you
1:25:41know there is spotting with pregnancy
1:25:43it's just your body adjusting so oh
1:25:45we'll just keep an eye on it um and
1:25:48about a week goes by and and then I
1:25:51start seeing what looks like fresh blood
1:25:55um and that's this you know that's what
1:25:57she told me to look out for and that's
1:25:58like kind of the early signs and um of
1:26:01what ultimately will be a miscarriage so
1:26:05that starts happening and you know I'm
1:26:07I'm alone in my house and you know at
1:26:11least I have Tate with me and I call my
1:26:15husband and you know I'm just devastated
1:26:18because I know that this is about to
1:26:19happen to me and we're both crying and
1:26:22he's I could just tell he was
1:26:26so
1:26:28heartbroken um that he couldn't be there
1:26:32I think that was really painful for him
1:26:34too you know for both of
1:26:36us and I've never spoken about it either
1:26:39so like to this extent so I um I have
1:26:42with my family so this is also new for
1:26:45me to to do this it's like reprocessing
1:26:48again
1:26:50um I'm going
1:26:53through the physical reaction of having
1:26:56the miscarriage um and it it takes some
1:27:00time like you know it's happening while
1:27:01it's happening it doesn't just like
1:27:02happen and then it's done like it it's
1:27:04it takes a long time it's it can be
1:27:06painful it feels like a period cramps
1:27:11but like your worst period cramps you've
1:27:12ever had um and you know ultimately it
1:27:16passes and I have to make all these
1:27:18doctor doctor's appointments I um I have
1:27:22to you know make sure everything's okay
1:27:24make sure I'm healthy and all that so
1:27:27you know right after dealing with with
1:27:30this loss you have to click into this
1:27:32mode of I have to do all these things
1:27:34and I have to make sure I do this and I
1:27:36do that and Logistics of getting to the
1:27:38doctor and like making sure and checking
1:27:41and making sure it was clean and
1:27:43everything that needed to pass past um
1:27:47so you know I kind of went into take
1:27:50care of it mode um and
1:27:56I just remember feeling so confused
1:28:01because it was really just like a a
1:28:03roller coaster of emotion
1:28:05of I didn't I didn't even know I I
1:28:08didn't even want this I I wasn't
1:28:10expecting this I I wasn't planning on
1:28:13having a child I was doing to the best
1:28:17of my ability you know the IUD is one of
1:28:19the best forms of birth control one of
1:28:21the most efficient forms of birth
1:28:22control and and you
1:28:25know
1:28:27I I was very confused I was like why is
1:28:30this happening um this is so wild I
1:28:33can't believe I can't believe this um I
1:28:36I
1:28:37didn't I didn't want to necessarily be
1:28:40pregnant um and then okay I I make pass
1:28:45a couple of checkpoints and I'm starting
1:28:46to feel a little like oh gosh this is
1:28:48going to happen I'm starting to process
1:28:49emotions of coming to terms with this
1:28:53like you do get excited I wasn't
1:28:55allowing myself to get fully excited or
1:28:57like be too optimistic about it I tried
1:28:59to stay as neutral as I possibly could
1:29:01but it's it's difficult you know you
1:29:03can't you can't control some of these
1:29:05things I mean the this is what I'm
1:29:06feeling so you know I I was like okay
1:29:09well oh my gosh like is this happening
1:29:11like whoa so then there's a little bit
1:29:13of excitement and then you know some Joy
1:29:17because like I want a family I'm excited
1:29:19to have children um and and then I lose
1:29:23the pregnancy
1:29:25you know it was early still like when I
1:29:27lost it so um I wasn't luckily fully in
1:29:31the head space of oh my God this is 100%
1:29:35happening so in terms of the timeline I
1:29:38am really grateful that I hadn't fully
1:29:40come to terms with it yet but I was
1:29:42still really confused because I was like
1:29:44whoa processing this emotion of feeling
1:29:47like I don't even want this to maybe
1:29:49this is happening and feeling some
1:29:52excitement and maybe some joy and then
1:29:54and then loss it was so strange and it
1:29:56was just all the things you know it was
1:29:59really just two things can be true at
1:30:02once kind of a thing where you feel
1:30:05these emotions that are one
1:30:08is
1:30:10honestly even with some time and some
1:30:13space now and some perspective
1:30:16relief wow the timing wasn't right you
1:30:18know everything happens for a reason I
1:30:21wasn't ready to be a mother I wasn't
1:30:23ready to have a child I'm absolutely
1:30:27devastated I'm not a mother and I don't
1:30:29have a child well that makes no sense
1:30:32how can you feel both of those things I
1:30:33don't know they both sit one sits on
1:30:35this side of my brain and one sits on
1:30:37this side of the brain and they fight
1:30:38with each other and I don't and it took
1:30:41me a really long time to
1:30:43understand how to deal with that I don't
1:30:45know how to talk about this how do I
1:30:48make this make sense and I think in
1:30:52terms of you know
1:30:54miscarriages sometimes they don't make
1:30:56sense none of it doesn't make any sense
1:30:58and I think a lot of women go through
1:31:00that I think it's something like one in
1:31:02three women experience miscarriage so
1:31:05and and some women multiple and some
1:31:08women who've never had one like myself
1:31:11you know when I first got pregnant it's
1:31:13like this you have this sort of we don't
1:31:17you don't know that that's a possibility
1:31:18right so it's it's like oh it can be
1:31:21really exciting and I think a lot of
1:31:22women when they get pregnant for the
1:31:24first time feel excited and optimistic
1:31:28and hopeful and oh my God I'm going to
1:31:29have a child right away so the blow of a
1:31:31miscarriage is so
1:31:34devastating wait a minute what I didn't
1:31:36what what
1:31:38happened I thought I was having a child
1:31:40all everyone has a baby how do people
1:31:42have babies like this is crazy how is
1:31:44this happening um to to be pregnant is
1:31:48such a complicated thing it's so wild
1:31:50the fact that we can even get pregnant
1:31:52you know um and and I
1:31:55think it it really helped me feel less
1:31:58alone knowing that it was something that
1:32:00was quite common um and that a lot of
1:32:02women do go through it um and it just
1:32:08it but then you know something that I I
1:32:12felt that was difficult to hear in the
1:32:14very beginning that being said um when I
1:32:17did very first lose my pregnancy I was
1:32:19like well you know don't worry this
1:32:22happens to a lot of people you're not
1:32:23alone it was like you I didn't want to
1:32:25hear that I didn't want to hear this
1:32:27happens all the time like you know I was
1:32:30so upset I was like what do you mean so
1:32:33so I shouldn't feel upset that this
1:32:35happened to me because it happens to a
1:32:36lot of people so
1:32:40I I'm trying sorry I'm trying to
1:32:42articulate and it's a very difficult
1:32:44thing to articulate specifically because
1:32:46I think it is very intricate and it's it
1:32:49can be very difficult and complicated to
1:32:51speak about something like that um
1:32:55so because there's so many powerful
1:32:57really you know strong emotions that are
1:32:59happening in your physical body and in
1:33:02your emotional self as well so I was
1:33:06always torn with they're trying to help
1:33:08me by saying this but it didn't help me
1:33:10to hear that so if I'm saying that now 3
1:33:13years later I do have perspective and it
1:33:15and it did eventually become helpful to
1:33:17hear I'm not alone one in three women
1:33:20have have miscarriages this happens to
1:33:22people it's going to be okay if
1:33:25someone's listening and they're not
1:33:26ready to hear
1:33:28that I feel that I've been there like no
1:33:32this sucks it sucks that one in three
1:33:35women go through it it sucks that it's
1:33:37something that we have to deal with
1:33:39sometimes you need to hear that you know
1:33:41so I've I've been in a place and I've
1:33:43been in positions where I needed to feel
1:33:45both like I'm mad I'm confused why is
1:33:48this happening to me why is my body
1:33:49doing this I felt a sense of failure i s
1:33:54felt a sense of betrayal of my own body
1:33:57of my own self I felt like and I wanted
1:34:01to feel those things I didn't want to
1:34:02hear oh what happens to one in three
1:34:04women I'm
1:34:05like I'm mad at myself like it's okay
1:34:08it's okay to be mad at yourself you
1:34:09don't have to get over it right away and
1:34:12accept that it happens to one in three
1:34:14women
1:34:15so wherever you're at and you know your
1:34:18journey of of dealing with these
1:34:20emotions and processing you know
1:34:24I i' I felt those things I've been angry
1:34:26I felt confused I felt relief I felt
1:34:31pain and none of it made any sense I was
1:34:34like what how do I how do I deal with
1:34:37this um and again you know it's it it
1:34:40goes back to sort of something similar
1:34:41and when I lost Tate I just sort of
1:34:44started talking to people I spoke to one
1:34:47of my best friends in the whole world
1:34:48and I with the day it happened I just
1:34:52sobbed her and she held me you
1:34:57know and you know she experienced this
1:35:01loss as well not shortly after me
1:35:04and I think that when I knew she was
1:35:08going through what I had been through
1:35:11and she held me and I held her and we
1:35:14were talking about it with each other I
1:35:16think that's when I got to a place when
1:35:18I was starting ready to
1:35:20hear this happens to one in three women
1:35:23and then I wanted to learn about it more
1:35:25and understand the technical reasons why
1:35:27this happens and you know it's not my
1:35:29fault my body didn't fail me you know it
1:35:33wasn't a viable pregnancy it wasn't
1:35:35healthy it wasn't meant to happen I
1:35:38don't I'll never really know why it
1:35:40happened um it could be a multitude of
1:35:43things I I got pregnant on an IUD you
1:35:46know that's probably number one reason
1:35:48why I didn't come through come to
1:35:50fruition so you know I I did have some
1:35:53things to ground me in my grief of okay
1:35:56well this happened because of this
1:35:57reason some women don't get that answer
1:36:00and they don't know why and maybe it
1:36:03happens them a lot later in their
1:36:04pregnancies and there's so many
1:36:06different levels and variations of what
1:36:07it means to have a miscarriage and so
1:36:09many different variables and versions of
1:36:11what a miscarriage looks like and what a
1:36:14miscarriage feels like to those people
1:36:16um all I can say is my own personal
1:36:21experience and all the things I was
1:36:22feeling during that time and know that
1:36:26you know 3 years
1:36:28later I have so much more perspective
1:36:32and I've given myself so much time to
1:36:36heal from that and it no longer feels
1:36:40like an open gaping wound it feels
1:36:44like a a scar it's definitely still with
1:36:48me there's a mark there it happened to
1:36:51me it's it's more of a you know another
1:36:53mark on my Spirit maybe but um I
1:36:58have perspective from it I I have
1:37:01healing from it I really feel like I
1:37:02gave myself a lot of time to to to feel
1:37:07everything I know I needed to feel for
1:37:09myself and I think it's important for
1:37:12other women to hear from others what
1:37:15that it's something that we go
1:37:18through
1:37:21and I didn't know if I would ever
1:37:23publicly talk about it but I you know I
1:37:25lost hate and I'm talking about grief
1:37:27and he was such a huge part of my
1:37:30journey and my life and he helped me
1:37:31deal with grief and he's been a huge
1:37:33part of you know my mental health and
1:37:36being there for me and I think there's
1:37:37something there with you know having
1:37:39that connection to an animal and mental
1:37:42health and what they can do for our
1:37:43mental health I mean there's therapy
1:37:46dogs for a reason and horse therapy and
1:37:49there's a reason why people connect to
1:37:50animals so strongly and there's
1:37:52something there and there's something
1:37:53that's healing and being around them you
1:37:55know and he was such a huge part of that
1:37:58healing and in losing him it did it did
1:38:01hurt me in that area that previous
1:38:04injury in my spirit that I had from the
1:38:07miscarriage it
1:38:09was some someone that was with me so
1:38:12closely and so deeply for something so
1:38:14difficult is no longer here I can no
1:38:17longer hold him and you know feel
1:38:20comforted from the wave of emotions that
1:38:22maybe come back from
1:38:24having this having the miscarriage um so
1:38:28you know it's it's all connected and you
1:38:30know sometimes it it can be painful and
1:38:34it can be hurtful and even though it's a
1:38:37it is a scar on on me now and it's what
1:38:40I feel healed and I feel optimistic and
1:38:43I've I've grown a lot from it and you
1:38:46know I do feel like I've kind of come
1:38:48out on the other side of going through
1:38:50that it's still a tender spot you know
1:38:52what I mean it's like if it's poked it
1:38:54kind of hurts it's like ow that that was
1:38:57that's from that you know you I can only
1:38:59I I have I've never broken a bone crazy
1:39:01enough as it is so I I can imagine it's
1:39:03maybe similar to if you break a bone in
1:39:04your body it still hurts maybe later in
1:39:08life and you feel aches and pains and
1:39:10all these things so um it's it's an
1:39:11injury that I've feel like my spirit's
1:39:14endured and it's still there but um I've
1:39:17really worked through it and worked
1:39:18through healing and um I think there's a
1:39:21light at the end of the tunnel and and
1:39:23terms of if you're going through through
1:39:27that um it takes time and who knows
1:39:30maybe now I maybe I think I'm Healed and
1:39:33maybe fully not I don't know I I feel
1:39:35confident and comfortable enough to
1:39:38speak about it so maybe that's a layer
1:39:40and a step towards like towards healing
1:39:42maybe we're never fully done healing and
1:39:45and and growing from things I mean we're
1:39:47never done growing we grow forever and
1:39:49ever and ever until the day we die so um
1:39:52it might evolve and it might change
1:39:54going forward and you know it might
1:39:56continue and shift and I can maybe look
1:39:59back on where I'm at today and think I
1:40:01still had some work to do and I wasn't
1:40:03aware of it yet so you know we'll kind
1:40:05of we'll see where it goes but you know
1:40:07kind of where I'm at now is this is the
1:40:09head space that I'm in I feel
1:40:12um comfortable and you know confident
1:40:15enough to sort of talk about it and talk
1:40:17about you know what happened and and
1:40:19share it and hope that others can maybe
1:40:23connect with it and
1:40:25feel Not Alone um I know it's it can
1:40:29feel isolating especially if there is no
1:40:30one in your life that's been through it
1:40:32and you don't feel like you have
1:40:33somebody to connect to so hopefully it
1:40:36it just helps and I feel like that's
1:40:37kind of why I wanted to share that was
1:40:39just because you know the many layers of
1:40:42grief and in my loss I've I've felt lost
1:40:45before and I lost someone that went
1:40:47through me through that loss with me so
1:40:51I I kind of just wanted to touch on both
1:40:53of those things just because I know they
1:40:55can be it's something that a lot of
1:40:57people go through losing a pet losing a
1:40:59loved one and then obviously you know
1:41:02losing a pregnancy and going through a
1:41:04miscarriage and and
1:41:06so thank you for the courage and bravery
1:41:08to share that with us here today for the
1:41:11first time publicly Beyond friends and
1:41:13family
1:41:15and when I was listening to you Taylor I
1:41:17was just thinking like I appreciate just
1:41:20the level
1:41:21of comp and layers that you're willing
1:41:24to kind of look at this from whether
1:41:26it's personally others everyone I mean I
1:41:28was saying to you that I've had multiple
1:41:31friends in the
1:41:33last two to three years who've all
1:41:35experienced a uh miscarriage and I talk
1:41:40to them and I'll hear from them and I
1:41:43see so much
1:41:45just stress overwhelm pressure um
1:41:51self-degradation like you know just um
1:41:54negative selft talk like there's it's
1:41:56it's it's one of the hardest things to
1:41:58go through even if everyone goes through
1:42:00it as you or not everyone but so many
1:42:02people go through it it doesn't make it
1:42:04any easier and often actually like you
1:42:06said it makes you so lonely that you
1:42:07don't want to talk to anyone about it
1:42:09yeah and it's it's not comforting to
1:42:12know other people have gone through it
1:42:14and I wonder in that lonely phase like
1:42:16what was it that did help you and even
1:42:19when your friend went through it what
1:42:21allowed you to be there for other in a
1:42:23way that was comforting and helpful
1:42:25rather than felt uncomfortable and
1:42:30unhealthy I needed to be
1:42:33alone um I needed to like I needed to
1:42:35feel it I needed
1:42:38to yeah sit in it I didn't want to talk
1:42:41about
1:42:43it um because I didn't want people want
1:42:47to be there for you and that's really
1:42:49special and that's really helpful but I
1:42:51didn't want people to be there for yet I
1:42:53wasn't
1:42:55ready for people to be like oh I'm so
1:42:57sorry or you know cuz people don't know
1:43:00what to say sometimes when it comes to
1:43:02grief or loss sometimes I don't know
1:43:05what to say either I have no idea on how
1:43:08to react to some things
1:43:12still having experienced my own version
1:43:15of grief
1:43:17um H how do you be there for
1:43:21somebody it's a difficult thing I mean I
1:43:24didn't know how I
1:43:26needed I didn't know what I needed from
1:43:29people
1:43:31um I didn't want to talk about it I
1:43:34wanted to be alone I didn't want anyone
1:43:36to know because I didn't want people to
1:43:38talk to me about it or say things to me
1:43:40because I just wasn't ready to hear it
1:43:42yet um and the way that I
1:43:47think I told people that were really
1:43:51really close to me really my husband
1:43:53obviously knew because it happened to
1:43:54him
1:43:55too um and my two best friends knew and
1:44:01the way that I feel like they were there
1:44:03for me because they didn't know what to
1:44:05say they didn't say anything they were
1:44:10there for me physically they held me
1:44:13they let me cry I just sat there and I
1:44:17cried and said nothing and they just
1:44:19held my hand and were like just sat
1:44:22there with me and like let me cry they
1:44:24didn't ask me questions they didn't ask
1:44:26me how I felt they didn't
1:44:29ask they didn't say anything to me like
1:44:33they didn't say everything happens for a
1:44:36reason don't worry like you'll feel one
1:44:37day D they didn't go into that I think
1:44:40because they know me so well they
1:44:42probably knew that I didn't want to hear
1:44:44that
1:44:45yet they just were there and they
1:44:48listened when I was ready to talk and
1:44:51then because I wasn't ready ready they
1:44:53just let me
1:44:54emote and they just let me cry
1:44:59and they cried and I could tell because
1:45:02I was hurt they were hurt you know my my
1:45:06when I finally got to my husband and we
1:45:08were together he just held me we both
1:45:12cried and he just held me and you know I
1:45:14held him too because I think that's
1:45:16another thing is another layer on top of
1:45:17it
1:45:18is even though it physically happened to
1:45:21me and emotionally was something that I
1:45:24experienced it was it was an individual
1:45:28experience to myself emotionally it's
1:45:30something that it's a loss that happened
1:45:32to him as well he also thought
1:45:34potentially he would be having a child
1:45:36so we were both grieving something we
1:45:38were both grieving the loss of of this
1:45:41we were both feeling this weird sense of
1:45:44relief at the same time and then
1:45:46immediately guilty because we felt
1:45:48relief and then
1:45:50immediately anger because we felt guilt
1:45:52and you know what I mean it's just it's
1:45:55Relentless these emotions when it's
1:45:56fresh you know you feel literally every
1:45:58single one that's on the rainbow of all
1:46:01the colors we felt we felt all of them
1:46:04and I think when it's when it was the
1:46:06very beginning I think for me it was
1:46:08just holding PE people holding me you
1:46:11know being in just being in the space
1:46:14with me they didn't have to say anything
1:46:17if they didn't know what to say you
1:46:20know and
1:46:24when we did sort of start talking about
1:46:27it I I we first started
1:46:30saying this sucks I can't believe this
1:46:34is happening um you know it
1:46:37was if I was feeling angry then they
1:46:40would be angry with me if I was the if I
1:46:44was sad then they were sad with me um so
1:46:48it was amaz they were amazing at being
1:46:50there for me in those ways and you know
1:46:54I think it is difficult to know what to
1:46:57say and how to be there for someone but
1:46:59I think following them and how they're
1:47:02reacting is also really good like taking
1:47:04the cue from how they're responding is a
1:47:07good way to respond back to someone and
1:47:10you know checking in you know my my
1:47:12friends that knew checked in with me how
1:47:15are you feeling today you know and then
1:47:17if I didn't want to talk about they were
1:47:19like okay let me know when you are ready
1:47:21you know yeah we're here mhm so just you
1:47:25know they were checking in you know
1:47:26making sure and then you know my my best
1:47:30friend she who she experienced this as
1:47:34well
1:47:34she continues to check in with me you
1:47:37know this is 3 years later and we still
1:47:40talk about it oh my gosh like can you
1:47:42believe it you would have a
1:47:43three-year-old I'm like I know and it's
1:47:46just we we get to have these moments
1:47:47together of we would both have a
1:47:51three-year-old right now that's and we
1:47:54we think about that and we deal with
1:47:55that and we grieve that and we grieve
1:47:57the loss of that potential and that
1:47:59direction and life you know that thread
1:48:02that didn't happen in this path so um
1:48:07female friendships are incredible and
1:48:09they're beautiful and I think it's
1:48:11really important for women to have women
1:48:15in their life if they can they can go to
1:48:17and they can talk to about these things
1:48:18because we can relate to each other in
1:48:20other ways that I think you know you I
1:48:22could get from my husband and being able
1:48:26to go to her was so special um and
1:48:29really helpful
1:48:31so I just I think also have patience
1:48:34with with yourself and if you know
1:48:37someone who's going through that have
1:48:39patience with them because it's a roller
1:48:43coaster and you know she was my my
1:48:47friend she was going through this too
1:48:49and I was feeling emotions and I was
1:48:52feeling heartbroken because I know cuz
1:48:55she was heartbroken so I was feeling
1:48:57emotions as well and I just have to be
1:48:59patient
1:49:00because the it it's happening to her so
1:49:04at her Pace at her time when she's ready
1:49:07when she wants to hear when she wants to
1:49:09talk about it we
1:49:11can and we both kind of just we both
1:49:14share
1:49:15that understanding with each other
1:49:18something powerful really powerful that
1:49:19you said was I wasn't ready for someone
1:49:23to be there for me yet and I think
1:49:26that's such a really remarkable insight
1:49:29as I was listening to you I was
1:49:31thinking often when we see people who
1:49:34are
1:49:35struggling because their struggle causes
1:49:38us discomfort we want to solve it for
1:49:41them and so if I'm speaking to a friend
1:49:43who's like oh you know my friend's going
1:49:45through this or my partner's going
1:49:46through this and they're spiraling and
1:49:48we're so uncomfortable with their
1:49:50discomfort that we want to fix to
1:49:53relieve our own discomfort not realizing
1:49:55that that person may need to feel and
1:49:58experience all of it yeah and and to let
1:50:01it all out in their own way and I love
1:50:04what you just said
1:50:06of I just wasn't ready for someone to be
1:50:09there for me yet and I
1:50:12think that's a great note for all of us
1:50:14to ask ourselves like am I ready for
1:50:16someone to be there for me yet and if
1:50:18I'm trying to help someone are they
1:50:20truly ready for me to be there for them
1:50:23yeah and one of the things that I've
1:50:25seen in and you mentioned as well when
1:50:28we were talking this idea about how
1:50:31there's so much pressure also on the
1:50:32couple so there's you're both
1:50:35individually dealing with loss and grief
1:50:39but then there's like a dynamic that you
1:50:42go through with each other yeah because
1:50:45you're both at different spaces of
1:50:46healing you're both at different
1:50:48timelines the waves come differently
1:50:51it's affected both of you but then
1:50:52you're both trying to be there for each
1:50:53other like it's quite a
1:50:55unique relation uh it's quite a unique
1:50:59situation mhm walk us through how you
1:51:02navigated that overwhelming pressure and
1:51:04feeling together as well and what did it
1:51:06take to to reconnect and I mean I don't
1:51:09even think it's finding normaly it's
1:51:12like evolving but what does that look
1:51:14like I mean my husband is so kind he's
1:51:19so he's very he's very gentle he's very
1:51:25um he's very understanding he he knows
1:51:28I'm an emotional person he knows I feel
1:51:30things deeply um he like heavily and he
1:51:36knows that I I was distraught you know I
1:51:41he he could see that I
1:51:44was I'm even I'm even feeling it now you
1:51:48know
1:51:49just all these different things all at
1:51:52the same time and um he's a supportive
1:51:57partner to me um and I think what was
1:52:02really helpful for us
1:52:05was you know I think he had a really
1:52:07great understanding and
1:52:10he's he was
1:52:13so wonderful during those times for me
1:52:18um
1:52:19he I think for him he understood okay
1:52:22this is something that he's like okay
1:52:25I'm I'm feeling I also can't speak for
1:52:28him obviously because this these is this
1:52:30is his these are his feelings and and
1:52:32his journey as well so I'm as I'm saying
1:52:36this it's more just like collectively
1:52:37what you know we both went through it
1:52:41was the shared experience that I'm I'm
1:52:43touching
1:52:44on um and things that he did say and
1:52:47express to me so you know I felt that he
1:52:51had a really great understanding of you
1:52:54know equal the equal amount of
1:52:56heartbreak of loss you know he was
1:52:58feeling that too and we got we had a
1:53:00shared experience in that and I think he
1:53:02also had a really great understanding of
1:53:05this is physically happening to her as
1:53:08well as it is emotionally happening to
1:53:12her he knew it would take me
1:53:15longer
1:53:17to gain perspective to start my healing
1:53:20process to you know know be able to
1:53:25adjust or you know process my emotions
1:53:28just because I think you know he said to
1:53:30me you know whatever I feel like I'm
1:53:32feeling I know you're feeling it
1:53:34tenfolds I know what you're going
1:53:37through is a physical reaction in your
1:53:40body of change and then the change of
1:53:44becoming pregnant the change of losing
1:53:47that pregnancy the the emotional change
1:53:51from all of those things
1:53:53so for us it was really helpful that he
1:53:55was super
1:53:57understanding and you know he's really
1:54:00great at navigating emotion as well um
1:54:05and I think it was helpful for me when
1:54:10he talked about it with me when he would
1:54:14say things
1:54:15like today is the day it happened and
1:54:19he's reminding me and he's the one
1:54:21talking about it it makes me feel less
1:54:23alone that he still remembers it that he
1:54:25still carries it with him because
1:54:27sometimes you
1:54:29know we just because
1:54:32it's we've had some time and we've had
1:54:34some some distance I know I carry this
1:54:37with me forever you know I know I will
1:54:39because this happened to
1:54:41me in more ways than one and I worry
1:54:44sometimes you know or I did that well
1:54:47maybe he won't feel that way like maybe
1:54:49he'll move on faster maybe he'll forget
1:54:51about it maybe all these things and and
1:54:53then you feel sad and you
1:54:56know different emotions around that and
1:54:59like I know that that can be really
1:55:00complicated in a dynamic of loss of
1:55:02they're moving on oh they're forgetting
1:55:04about this they're not talking about
1:55:05this anymore so for me what was really
1:55:08helpful is because I know that he went
1:55:10through this too I love that he checks
1:55:12in with me I love that he talks about it
1:55:15with me I love that he also says things
1:55:17like can you believe we would maybe have
1:55:20had a three-year-old
1:55:22oh my God you think about that too it
1:55:25made me
1:55:26feel so seen like so heard and that he
1:55:33sees me all the time you know he
1:55:36sees when people we've been married for
1:55:39almost a year now so he sees when people
1:55:43make comments like oh when are you guys
1:55:44going to have kids or are you thinking
1:55:46about having kids and people ask you
1:55:48know it's a harmless question and I
1:55:50understand when people ask it and it's
1:55:52it's I'm not angry that people ask that
1:55:54question I think it's part of society
1:55:56you know people want to talk about it
1:55:58you know people are excited about having
1:55:59starting families if we we want to start
1:56:01a family which we do and we've spoken
1:56:03with our friends that we would want to
1:56:04have a family one day so I understand
1:56:06why they're asking us those questions
1:56:08but not everybody knows that I went
1:56:10through this and at that time I mean now
1:56:13maybe everybody everybody will know I
1:56:14went through this but I wasn't ready for
1:56:16everybody to know that I was going
1:56:18through this and I had to deal with
1:56:20those questions in Al and um it was
1:56:26painful to hear those questions you know
1:56:28people would make comments because a lot
1:56:30of my friends had babies during covid
1:56:31and everyone was like oh you know
1:56:34everyone had all these babies you know
1:56:37during Co and everyone was getting
1:56:38pregnant and I did and I was pregnant
1:56:41and I didn't have a baby so I would hear
1:56:44comments like that I would hear things
1:56:45like that oh also people assume that
1:56:47maybe I have had a kid and they just
1:56:49don't know yet oh did did you have a kid
1:56:51were you one of those girls during Co
1:56:53that had a kid and I'm like oh God I
1:56:56know what you mean when you're saying
1:56:58that but uh you have no idea no I'm I'm
1:57:01not I guess I'm not um so he would sort
1:57:04of see me and like see that I was
1:57:08dealing with that internally and trying
1:57:09to process socializing and you know
1:57:13navigating these um comments because
1:57:18it's nobody's fault that they're asking
1:57:20it you know it's it's just normal it's
1:57:22just life right so I have to I do have
1:57:26to grow from this I have to be able to
1:57:28handle this I have to be able to talk
1:57:30about this again I do have to be able to
1:57:31be okay and I I wasn't always okay and I
1:57:36think he saw that I wasn't always okay
1:57:38and I could tell that he was hurt when I
1:57:40was hurt I could tell that he he was
1:57:42feeling what I was feeling you know and
1:57:45I also shared it with him too because
1:57:47people can't read your mind you know
1:57:49this is my partner this is my life
1:57:51partner um this is the person that I've
1:57:54decided that I want to spend life with
1:57:56and do life with so I have to do life
1:57:59with them right so I have to make a
1:58:02point to share today I'm feeling extra
1:58:05bad because it's the week of my
1:58:09miscarriage it's the anniversary week
1:58:10I'm not going to feel good this week you
1:58:13know I say that I express that he cannot
1:58:15read my mind he has no idea what I'm
1:58:17feeling unless I'm saying it
1:58:19so you know I it's a two-way street um
1:58:24that I share with him and that he sees
1:58:27me and he understands me so and he does
1:58:29he's really great at understanding how I
1:58:33emote you know my tells my you know
1:58:36physical things that maybe I do he's
1:58:38like she's nervous she's upset I could
1:58:41tell she's holding back tears right now
1:58:43he helps remove me from said situation
1:58:46you know so um learning each other and
1:58:49sharing with each other and he he knows
1:58:51those things he he he's been able to
1:58:53learn those things because I've shared
1:58:55them with him and I've shown him and
1:58:56told him and vice versa he's shared with
1:58:58me and told me and shown me um how I can
1:59:01care and love and be there for him so um
1:59:05I think
1:59:06just for uh a couple in this scenario
1:59:11however you're dealing with the loss of
1:59:14a pregnancy or a child because I know
1:59:15people can see in many different ways
1:59:17and there's a lot of stress in in
1:59:19starting a family on on multiple
1:59:21different types of relationships and
1:59:22partners and spouses and how you're
1:59:24going about it and how you're dealing
1:59:25with and what you're going through and
1:59:27and you know what you're doing with each
1:59:29other and how you're the your journey
1:59:32with with that is um is unique to you to
1:59:36to your both of your situations and the
1:59:39way that you guys communicate with each
1:59:41other is is important and and learning
1:59:44each other
1:59:45and asking for something is there's no
1:59:48there's nothing wrong with asking for
1:59:50something and then they're able to
1:59:51adjust and do that for you so I feel
1:59:54like that's something that I've learned
1:59:55as well is being open and making sure
1:59:59I'm sharing and you know he's really
2:00:02great at just innately because we've
2:00:04known each other and we're we're we love
2:00:07each other he's he's good at you know
2:00:09knowing and figuring out those little
2:00:10things that I do for himself and just
2:00:12seeing me but also I've shared a lot
2:00:15with him and he listens and he adapts
2:00:18and he changes for those things for me
2:00:20and does those things for me so um I
2:00:23think that communication is probably the
2:00:26number one most important thing and also
2:00:30the most difficult thing I know
2:00:31communicating is so difficult how do you
2:00:33be vulnerable how do you share these
2:00:35things am I ready to talk about this do
2:00:37I want to say this and you know I don't
2:00:39know I think just say it and and and ask
2:00:43for it and communicate it because again
2:00:46you know they may may have no idea that
2:00:48that's even going on in your head and
2:00:50they have something completely different
2:00:51going on in their
2:00:52head yeah no it's it's so true and I
2:00:56appreciate you sharing that because I
2:00:58think a lot of people are both dealing
2:01:01with the grief and then they're dealing
2:01:02with the loss of the relationship they
2:01:04had and the one they thought they were
2:01:05going to have when they had a child
2:01:07together as well and so communication's
2:01:10at the core and the Heart of all of that
2:01:12because it's so multi-layer and so
2:01:14complex Taylor as I was listening to you
2:01:17and I asked this question very
2:01:18sensitively and I asked it in order to
2:01:21hopefully
2:01:22help people who are listening as well
2:01:24like
2:01:25where where how do you refine the
2:01:28confidence to want to think about a
2:01:30family again and try again because I and
2:01:32I ask it very sincerely and sens
2:01:34sensitively thinking about people
2:01:36listening who are like I don't think I
2:01:38can ever try again because it was so
2:01:40painful and that's generally a human
2:01:42reaction to pain if it was so painful I
2:01:44can't go there again yet I have this
2:01:46desire to have a family like how how for
2:01:49you do you know when you're ready to
2:01:51think about again even or open up to the
2:01:53idea I know I want one I I don't think
2:01:58I've I don't think I'm there yet I
2:02:00haven't I don't know actually if I've
2:02:02confronted that for myself you know I
2:02:05don't think I've I've gone there where
2:02:09one day I'm going to be trying to have a
2:02:12family and you know maybe that stick is
2:02:15going to say pregnant is it going to
2:02:17bring back all these emotions and how am
2:02:18I going to deal with that
2:02:20again h gosh I have no idea because you
2:02:23know I'm not there yet I'm I'm still not
2:02:25ready for a child and I'm and I'm not
2:02:28ready to think about it and I'm not
2:02:29ready to start having a family and I
2:02:31don't know when that is and you know a
2:02:34lot of people who've had children are
2:02:35like you'll never know the timing's
2:02:37never right all this stuff and
2:02:39everyone's journey is different and
2:02:43that I I I have no plan I have no
2:02:46timeline of when I'm going to start a
2:02:50family when I'm going to do that how I'm
2:02:51going to to do it I I don't know and I
2:02:54also have no idea what I'm about to
2:02:55confront when I start trying again you
2:02:57know is it going to be really easy am I
2:03:00going to is it going to be fine did this
2:03:02scenario happen to me simply because of
2:03:05the IUD or will I experience this again
2:03:08because you know a pregnancy is is a new
2:03:11organism in your body it's like a
2:03:13technically a I don't know it's I can
2:03:15only I think of it maybe as almost like
2:03:17a bacteria that's like it's introducing
2:03:19like a new thing inside of your body and
2:03:22a a miscarriage is a rejection of that
2:03:24your body being like that shouldn't be
2:03:25here what is this this is new and
2:03:27sometimes it it takes time to adjust
2:03:30your body has to be like oh that's what
2:03:32that is so maybe it takes a couple tries
2:03:34and you know that's why your body's
2:03:36doing that I don't know why my body did
2:03:39that probably the IUD most likely if
2:03:41doctors are listening they'll probably
2:03:42be like oh it's the IUD that's why I was
2:03:44like okay okay fine that's why but um I
2:03:48I guess I'll sort of I maybe I'll be
2:03:51able to speak on that more when I'm in
2:03:53in the head space of actively trying or
2:03:56if and when I do have a child like to be
2:03:58able to touch on that again but I think
2:04:00I'm nervous you know I'm I do have fears
2:04:04about getting to that stage in my life
2:04:07and I'm worried about what I'm going to
2:04:08start feeling when um I am pregnant
2:04:11again I want to enjoy the process I want
2:04:14to be you know excited I want to feel
2:04:16all of those things but unfortunately
2:04:18because of what i' I went through I know
2:04:20that in the beginning I won't I'll feel
2:04:22fear I'm going to be afraid I know I'm
2:04:24going to be scared I know I'm going to
2:04:26have like anxiety about it until who
2:04:30knows when maybe the entire pregnancy I
2:04:32don't know but um I know I've been
2:04:35through this before I I know I can
2:04:39handle this I'm stronger because of this
2:04:41if it happens to me again I'm going to
2:04:44be okay um you know look at how far I've
2:04:48come look at what I how I
2:04:52handled this like what we went through
2:04:54like I I have confidence in that at
2:04:57least but I I also I I have no idea what
2:05:01what that is going to look like for me
2:05:03until I start doing that or until it
2:05:05happens
2:05:06so you know I would I I would say for me
2:05:10what how I can rationalize it
2:05:12is I'm stronger because of this I've
2:05:15handled I've I've been through this this
2:05:18thing and I've I've dealt with something
2:05:21that was really difficult for me
2:05:24personally to to go through and I came
2:05:27out the other side whether or not I'm
2:05:29fully done yet we don't know we'll we'll
2:05:33figure it out when we get there but
2:05:35right now all I can say is I feel
2:05:38confident that I'll I'm going to I know
2:05:40I'm going to be okay no matter what I'm
2:05:42going to be okay I can get through
2:05:43anything I can do this like I have a
2:05:46great support in my husband in my family
2:05:49in my friends they were all there for
2:05:51for me they showed their love and
2:05:53support I was there for me I was there
2:05:55for myself I showed up you know so I
2:05:58know I can show up for myself I know I
2:06:00can be there I know I can pick myself
2:06:02back up again and start walking and make
2:06:05it you know make those steps towards
2:06:07healing again so we're resilient as
2:06:10people as as humans and having faith in
2:06:13our resilience and in our strength and
2:06:15and in our ability to find healing and
2:06:19find growth I think we forget and we
2:06:21doubt ourselves sometimes that we can do
2:06:23that we can do we can get through that
2:06:27thank you for such an honest answer I
2:06:28feel like I feel like a lot of people
2:06:31will be able to resonate and connect
2:06:32with that this idea of I don't know see
2:06:35when I get there I don't even if I'm
2:06:36ready to answer that question and I
2:06:38think I think people listening to that
2:06:40will feel a sense of relief because I
2:06:42think that naturally again like you said
2:06:44when when you go through it you have to
2:06:45get into tactical mode of how do we make
2:06:47sure it's done and clean and
2:06:48everything's okay and then we get into
2:06:50okay how do I start and it's you almost
2:06:52don't give yourself that space so thank
2:06:54you so much for giving everyone Space by
2:06:57even having that answer it's it's really
2:06:59beautiful and Powerful to hear Taylor
2:07:01You've Been So uh gracious and kind with
2:07:03your time today with your energy with
2:07:05your soul like I really feel like you've
2:07:08led us in which is so kind I really hope
2:07:10you feel we've honored Tay uh and given
2:07:14a chance for you to express your love
2:07:16for Tay and also uh honored your
2:07:18experiences and you know I feel like
2:07:21like
2:07:23with your your whole career and
2:07:26everything it's almost like I find that
2:07:28you know when you've been modeling from
2:07:29such a young age and you've been in the
2:07:30public eye like so much of your career
2:07:33becomes about um your looks your age
2:07:37your you know those things become big
2:07:39and as you transform and evolve as a
2:07:42human too as you're starting you know T
2:07:45and tailor and you're starting a company
2:07:47or you started a company that's doing
2:07:49all this incredible purposeful work and
2:07:51you built a Content platform and a
2:07:53platform where people can find amazing
2:07:55products amazing Services amazing
2:07:57Partnerships for their pets and their
2:07:59dogs and everything else like walk us
2:08:02through how you see that Evolution for
2:08:04yourself of coming from an industry in a
2:08:07space that is defined by these external
2:08:09things of looks and age and fitness and
2:08:11everything and then finding your path
2:08:13through that now yeah I think you know
2:08:15they really play such a big role with
2:08:18each other I think why I even wanted to
2:08:20start T and Tor and start a business and
2:08:23be in the pet space obviously I have a
2:08:25huge passion for animals and dogs like
2:08:27this is so much more to me than just a
2:08:29company I'm doing this because this is
2:08:31absolutely 100% like the thing I love
2:08:33most in the world is my dog Tate and my
2:08:36dog Salem I have now too and they're
2:08:39just so incredible and amazing and they
2:08:43change they've changed my life in so
2:08:45many ways and even Salem now has
2:08:47impacted my life in so many different
2:08:49ways than Tate did and I'm so excited
2:08:51about the journey and the the life that
2:08:52I'm going to live with him and the
2:08:54things he's about to teach me and show
2:08:56me and I don't think I would even be
2:08:59able
2:09:00to know how to do that and build
2:09:03something with intention and purpose if
2:09:04I hadn't had my career before you know I
2:09:08started um modeling when I was 14 I
2:09:12don't have a traditional education in in
2:09:15that sense but I've learned so much from
2:09:19from my job and from working at a young
2:09:22age and traveling the world and having
2:09:23so many experiences I feel like I
2:09:25learned by by doing and you know by
2:09:29being able to see how things work and
2:09:32you know people producing fashion
2:09:34Collections and watching them make the
2:09:36clothes on me to walking in the fashion
2:09:38show and seeing how things are done is
2:09:41really interesting and being a part of a
2:09:43of of a photo shoot and all the
2:09:45different areas and everyone has a
2:09:46different job and seeing how it all
2:09:48comes together and how everybody works
2:09:49and all the puzzle pie is kind of like
2:09:52you know as I'm sure you know it's just
2:09:54like it's interesting and there's a lot
2:09:56of different um layers to what goes into
2:09:59something like a photo shoot or you know
2:10:01a campaign or a video or a movie or you
2:10:04know um a fashion show and it was really
2:10:07fun and exciting for me to witness and
2:10:09and see those things and do those things
2:10:12and you know I think modeling has been
2:10:16it is a lot about um it is about
2:10:18physically what I look like 100% like
2:10:21I'm a model because of how I look I know
2:10:23that so it's an interesting thing to go
2:10:25from you know I I'm here because of how
2:10:28I look but also I feel like after a
2:10:30certain extent I'm still here because of
2:10:33who I am and I'm still hearing people um
2:10:37continue hopefully to work with me
2:10:40because we have fun together and we
2:10:41build relationships and they get to know
2:10:43me and it becomes more than just this
2:10:45you know surface transaction of she
2:10:47looks a certain way she fits the bill
2:10:50physically of what we're looking for so
2:10:52we're going to book her I think after 14
2:10:54years you know you start knowing people
2:10:57and establishing relationships and
2:10:59becoming friends with people in the
2:11:01industry and then people want to work
2:11:02with you because they like you they like
2:11:04hanging out with you you're it's it's
2:11:05like a lot of Industries you know what I
2:11:07mean the more you are in it the more you
2:11:08do it the more friends you make the more
2:11:11connections you feel like you have with
2:11:12people and the less it becomes about how
2:11:16you look and it becomes a lot about who
2:11:17you are actually like the the my
2:11:21reputation of my career in modeling I
2:11:23feel like it's been with people that I
2:11:25enjoy working with and I get to work
2:11:26with them again and again and again and
2:11:28I love that I love that I now know so
2:11:31many people in the industry and every
2:11:32time I get a call sheet not every time
2:11:34but I get these call sheets and I see
2:11:36who's going to be on set and I'm like oh
2:11:37my God I haven't seen this person in you
2:11:39know however many years and I'm so
2:11:41excited to work with them again and do
2:11:43that so to me it's maybe it starts off
2:11:46that way and and modeling is is about
2:11:49the way that I look and and how I
2:11:51physically am but then I think it
2:11:53becomes a lot deeper than that so you
2:11:56know people establishing those
2:11:58connections with me has like taught me
2:12:00how to to grow and and you know and
2:12:04change
2:12:05and just they've taught me so much about
2:12:07life and different different backgrounds
2:12:09and different people and different
2:12:10things so um you know I learned so much
2:12:13from it and I've grown so much from it
2:12:15and um you know wanting to start my own
2:12:19business I feel like I'm able to do that
2:12:21because of everything that I've done in
2:12:23in my modeling career and I really just
2:12:26I see them so much a part of each other
2:12:29and I want to be in the pet space and
2:12:32have this this business because it's
2:12:35something that I also love to do like I
2:12:37love my job I love modeling and I really
2:12:39believe in pursuing things that you love
2:12:41to do and you know maybe I won't be a
2:12:45model forever I have no idea because
2:12:48it's um it's not a very consistent
2:12:50lifestyle as much as I love it I'm you
2:12:53never know I you know I just got a text
2:12:55message today that I'm going to Paris on
2:12:58Thursday so you know maybe if when I do
2:13:00start trying to have a family and if I
2:13:03have a family and my family is growing
2:13:06and growing and growing or you know I
2:13:08have all these hopes and dreams to have
2:13:09a a big family it'll be more difficult
2:13:12to do my modeling career to the extent
2:13:14that I'm doing it now and I I also love
2:13:18dogs and I love my dog and I love you
2:13:21know animals and I love that people love
2:13:24their animals and I wanted to create
2:13:26something that I wish existed with my
2:13:30life and my journey and path with Tate
2:13:33and I'm creating something that I really
2:13:36want and need with Salem my my new dog
2:13:40now that I've rescued and because we're
2:13:42going through so many different things
2:13:43and I'm so excited to you know have be
2:13:47able to build on the experience I've had
2:13:48from modeling and apply it to what I'm
2:13:51doing now with t and Taylor and build
2:13:53something with purpose build something
2:13:55with you know meaning something that I'm
2:13:57passionate about doing something that I
2:13:59love it's it's my lifestyle it's you
2:14:03know I'm that crazy dog lady that every
2:14:06time I see a dog on the street I'm like
2:14:07hello how are you nice to meet you
2:14:09what's your name I just I love dogs and
2:14:13I love animals in general too so I I
2:14:15really think that dogs are connectors
2:14:18and I've met a lot of people and had so
2:14:19many amazing interesting convers ations
2:14:21because of our dogs if you're out
2:14:24walking your dog and people stop you oh
2:14:25my god what kind of dog is that oh my
2:14:27God he's so beautiful you know are they
2:14:28a boy or are they a girl what's their
2:14:30name and and the next thing you know
2:14:32you're having a full-blown conversation
2:14:34with the complete and total stranger but
2:14:37I feel like I'm in a safe space you know
2:14:39it's it's really interesting and I as um
2:14:42a shy I started out really shy and kind
2:14:44of an introverted person having Tate
2:14:47everybody loved him people were like oh
2:14:49my God that's the cutest dog I've ever
2:14:50seen
2:14:51and I I had to open up I had to have
2:14:53conversations with people and he helped
2:14:55me do that and he helped me connect with
2:14:57people and you know someone that um
2:15:01works with me on Tate and Taylor I met
2:15:03through Tate in my building you know
2:15:05because we had like a doggy play dat
2:15:07group chat in the building and she
2:15:09invited us and you know our dogs were
2:15:11playing and we connected and now she's
2:15:13helping me you know build um Bill Tayon
2:15:16Taylor so I love dogs I think that
2:15:19there's they're just amazing and and
2:15:21their connectors and it's something that
2:15:23I I love so much and find so much joy in
2:15:26and I hope that people you know receive
2:15:29that and see that and um are excited
2:15:32about it because you know I'm really
2:15:34passionate about how I take care of my
2:15:36dog and the the love I want to give him
2:15:39I want to give give him the best life
2:15:40possible because they're not with us
2:15:42forever as you know I I know very well
2:15:45and I want to cherish every single
2:15:46second I possibly can with them and I
2:15:48know so many pet pet people people who
2:15:51have pets want want that as well and you
2:15:54know there's definitely a lack of uh
2:15:57Community I think in the pet industry
2:16:00there is community but there's not like
2:16:02a place I feel like there there wasn't a
2:16:04place to go for information to connect
2:16:07to other people and I really hope to
2:16:08build that and grow Tate and tailor into
2:16:10something where people feel like this is
2:16:13happening to me and I don't know what to
2:16:14do maybe we can help you figure that out
2:16:16so that's sort of the intention in doing
2:16:18what we're doing you know we have the
2:16:21the online store we're like curating
2:16:23products we're looking for amazing
2:16:26Founders and Brands and people who are
2:16:27doing Innovative things in the pet space
2:16:30with whether that's treats that are with
2:16:32really great great quality we have
2:16:33women-owned businesses I love the idea
2:16:35of supporting women and um you know
2:16:38young cool entrepreneurs doing really
2:16:41interesting things and maybe helping do
2:16:43that together and giving them a a space
2:16:45and a platform to Showcase and talk
2:16:46about their product and why it's great
2:16:48and and why it's different and you know
2:16:52help them sort of just like share what
2:16:54they're doing with the world because
2:16:56there's so many passionate you know
2:16:58entrepreneurs out there who are starting
2:17:00these companies in the pet space and
2:17:02they're so dedicated and they have just
2:17:05as much passion and love as I do for
2:17:07their dogs and and they've gone through
2:17:09something completely different than
2:17:10maybe I've gone through with Tate you
2:17:11know so it's really interesting to be
2:17:13able to um speak with businesses and
2:17:16speak with you know Founders about why
2:17:18they started their company what their
2:17:20goal and what their mission their Drive
2:17:22is why they're doing what they're doing
2:17:24you know challenges they've faced as
2:17:26women in the industry as you know um
2:17:30just an Entre being an entrepreneur in
2:17:32general there's there's so many things
2:17:34that you know we would we want to touch
2:17:35on in in that space that I think there's
2:17:38just I felt like it wasn't there when I
2:17:41was going through that with Tate you
2:17:42know and I really want to create that
2:17:44for people and and bring people together
2:17:47and have it be fun and you know really
2:17:50easy and exciting you know to care and
2:17:53like find cool products and great and
2:17:55things at work that that you know we
2:17:57like for our pets
2:17:58so yeah that's a really powerful no it's
2:18:02a really powerful intention and Powerful
2:18:05Mission and it's it's so clear and
2:18:07evident and I feel like you're going to
2:18:09revolutionize the pet space it's it's
2:18:12it's obvious that your your drive and
2:18:13passion is true and couple of lessons I
2:18:16took away just listening to you one was
2:18:17this idea I think we live in a world
2:18:19where when we discover something we're
2:18:21passionate about we like to Discount our
2:18:24past experience and make it seem like oh
2:18:26now I found it whatever I did before was
2:18:28kind of like it was there but now I
2:18:30found it and what I love hearing about
2:18:33from you and and I definitely resonate
2:18:35with what you said it's like actually
2:18:37every stage of your career unlocks the
2:18:40opportunity the ability the ideas the
2:18:43resources the connectivity to do the
2:18:45next thing and I think if anyone out
2:18:47there is right now you're listening and
2:18:48you're going I hate my job I hate where
2:18:49I am I don't what I'm doing I promise
2:18:52you there's some skill or some lesson or
2:18:54some person or some contact that you met
2:18:56through that that could help you build
2:18:58the next part of yourself and overall
2:19:00your your business and your Venture and
2:19:03this direction you've gone in is truly a
2:19:06journey of pain to purpose of passion to
2:19:10purpose of using your platform for a
2:19:13purpose and I think that it's such a
2:19:15beautiful example that so many of us no
2:19:18matter what our pains are what our
2:19:19stresses are what our challenges are
2:19:21that we can transform them into an
2:19:24offering to help other people who are
2:19:25going through the same thing yeah
2:19:28building a brand with um with intention
2:19:30I think and with a purpose to give back
2:19:33and help I think is really important and
2:19:36something that especially in the pet
2:19:37space I felt was lacking because there's
2:19:40so many areas I would love to tap into
2:19:42out you know just beyond the um cancer
2:19:46funding and um maybe even cancer
2:19:49research and getting into that and
2:19:51understanding why and how and you know
2:19:54and as well as rescue you know we work
2:19:56with rescue organizations and my Salem
2:19:59my my dog Salem is a rescue and and
2:20:02that's an experience that he's been
2:20:04teaching me about and something that I
2:20:06want I want to make a change and make an
2:20:11impact in I think for me with Tate and
2:20:13Taylor the most important thing about
2:20:15this business is using it to make make
2:20:18an impact and do good things with it and
2:20:22and use it to help people and help
2:20:24others and help dogs you know help
2:20:26people who have dogs or you know
2:20:28hopefully animals pets in general we're
2:20:30we'll get there one day we if you have
2:20:33an iguana great maybe we'll be able to
2:20:34help you with that I don't know um who
2:20:36knows where it's going to go that's
2:20:37what's so exciting it's so new and it's
2:20:38so fresh and right now we're dogs right
2:20:41now so I'm obviously talking about dogs
2:20:44because that's what we are doing
2:20:46currently um I do have the hope and the
2:20:50optimism and the intention to want to do
2:20:52as much as I possibly can um but you
2:20:55know I'm going to focus on one thing and
2:20:58then we can start growing from there and
2:21:00building on top of that so um in the pet
2:21:03space there's just so much that I want
2:21:06to do and so much I want to accomplish
2:21:09and I want to be able to build something
2:21:11that that helps most importantly and
2:21:14that does give back and that does have a
2:21:17drive and does have a cause because
2:21:19there is a drive there is a cause and
2:21:21there is a reason behind everything that
2:21:22I'm doing and it's Tate it's dedicated
2:21:24to him it's dedicated to everything he
2:21:27taught me the love I know he has for me
2:21:29the love I have for him and it's for
2:21:32everyone who's ever felt that way about
2:21:34a dog or a pet in their life it's a
2:21:36dedication to that it's a dedication to
2:21:38that feeling and knowing you want to
2:21:41take care of something you love
2:21:42something so deeply so do we we know
2:21:44that feeling we understand that and we
2:21:46want to make something and build
2:21:48something with you that is imp ful and
2:21:51and meaningful and helpful and
2:21:53connective and hopefully we can you know
2:21:56build a great community and and have
2:21:59incredible resources for people so you
2:22:01know we're this is just the beginning of
2:22:03our of our journey with with it and I'm
2:22:05really really excited about it so well
2:22:07congratulations Taylor and we end every
2:22:10episode of on purpose with a Fast Five
2:22:13which have to be answered in one word to
2:22:15one sentence maximum I talk a lot before
2:22:18you might have noticed from that so
2:22:21Taylor Hill these are your final five uh
2:22:24question one is what is the best advice
2:22:26you've ever heard or received best
2:22:28advice is do what you love and the rest
2:22:30will come my dad told me that great
2:22:34answer all right question number two
2:22:35what is the worst advice you've ever
2:22:37heard or received maybe uh if you ignore
2:22:40it it'll go away or something that's a
2:22:42good one yeah that's absolutely not true
2:22:46good answer uh question number
2:22:48three what's the first you do every
2:22:51morning and the last thing you do every
2:22:52night well I'm really not a morning
2:22:54person so first thing in the morning I'm
2:22:56like why am I awake what's that alarm
2:22:59why what's happening I'm very
2:23:01disoriented first thing in the morning
2:23:03um and I think
2:23:05I drink coffee I need I need to have a
2:23:09cup of coffee I'm not a morning person
2:23:11and then at night I love snuggling with
2:23:15my dog kissing Salem and in the past I
2:23:19you know kissing Tate having good night
2:23:21cuddles um you know with if I'm at home
2:23:24with my husband this is more than one
2:23:26sentence I've already failed you know
2:23:28saying good night and you know having
2:23:31time like you know a connection with
2:23:33with him yeah uh question number
2:23:37four what's something you learned lately
2:23:42something a skill that you picked up a
2:23:44lesson that you learned recently not
2:23:46that recent but lately I've been
2:23:47learning how to cook and doing it better
2:23:50cool cooking more and being better at it
2:23:53but that's taken time nice it does take
2:23:56time uh Fifth and final question if you
2:23:58could create one law that everyone in
2:24:00the world had to follow what would it be
2:24:03always grow you know
2:24:06always change like be be willing to grow
2:24:09and change I don't know how to apply
2:24:11that as a law but I think growth is so
2:24:14important and you know acknowledging
2:24:17past mistakes and growing and changing
2:24:19from them is really important and
2:24:20something I'm still learning and trying
2:24:21to do but I think if we can all work on
2:24:25that and do that maybe the world could
2:24:26be a better place absolutely well said
2:24:28Taylor Hill everyone Taylor thank you so
2:24:30much for sharing your heart your soul
2:24:32your uh beautiful experiences thank you
2:24:35for being so open and honest with our
2:24:37community and everyone who's been
2:24:38listening and watching I know that this
2:24:41will have affected you I know you have
2:24:42friends and family you've been through
2:24:44some of these experiences that Taylor
2:24:45shared with us please pass this episode
2:24:47on to them maybe even sit and listen to
2:24:49it with them and hold them through it I
2:24:52would love for you to use this episode
2:24:53as a way of having some of those
2:24:55uncomfortable difficult conversations
2:24:57and of course check out Tay and Taylor I
2:24:59can't wait for you to uh give your dogs
2:25:01all the love that they deserve and uh
2:25:04want to say a big thank you again to
2:25:05Taylor for her presence love and energy
2:25:07thank you very much happy to have been
2:25:09here thank you if you love this episode
2:25:12you will also love my interview with
2:25:14Kendall Jenner on setting boundaries to
2:25:17increase happiness and healing your
2:25:19inner child you could be reading
2:25:21something that someone is saying about
2:25:22you and being like that is so unfair cuz
2:25:24that's not who I am and that really gets
2:25:26to me sometimes but then looking at
2:25:28myself in the mirror and being like but
2:25:29I know who I am why does anything else
2:25:31matter

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