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Unmasking masculinity -- helping boys become connected men | Ryan McKelley | TEDxUWLaCrosse — Transcript

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0:07you
0:17I find it remarkable that we were all
0:25asked as presenters to come here and
0:26talk about turning points and if you
0:28were paying attention you'll notice that
0:29almost every single one talked in some
0:31way about connection whether that was
0:33connecting through others through
0:34disconnecting with technology or
0:36connecting at the dinner table or even
0:38connecting with their own bodies so I'm
0:40going to continue that discussion today
0:41and talk about connections between
0:42masculinity and social connectedness
0:45I've been doing this long enough to
0:47realize that talking about men's issues
0:48can be a challenge right oftentimes we
0:52talk about things that men do we have to
0:54be able to hold two competing truths in
0:56our head at the same time so well it
0:57might be true that men are more often
1:00perpetrate acts of physical violence
1:03it's also true that most boys and men
1:05are not physically violent in fact most
1:08of us are trying to get through life as
1:09good decent human beings but the problem
1:13is we tend to focus on the extremes we
1:15miss what's going on in between I came
1:17across this image the other day I think
1:19it there's no there's no better one out
1:20there to talk about masking emotions
1:23this individuals name is Christian
1:24Hopkins he just released a conceptual
1:28photography project on Flickr the
1:30documents his struggles with depression
1:32and found this far more therapeutic than
1:34seeing any therapist alright so today
1:36I'm going to talk about how we socialize
1:37boys and men to mask their emotions now
1:40ten years ago I made a career change to
1:42get into this field I never would have
1:43predicted that I'd be up here talking
1:45about men and masculinity and that's
1:47what I'd be teaching right in fact when
1:49I start my clinical work there weren't a
1:50lot of men in my program and I remember
1:52actively resisting being the man
1:54therapists right that everybody referred
1:56their male clients to but we're talking
1:58about turning points so today I want to
1:59share historical professional and
2:01personal ones that have led me to this
2:03point so I want to begin with a little
2:05known historical turning point that
2:07happened about 800 years ago in 13th
2:09century Europe now at that time the holy
2:12roman emperor frederick ii of germany i
2:14was in power it was known to be
2:17uncharacteristically scientifically
2:19minded for a pope during the Middle Ages
2:20he was curious about what the natural
2:22language of God would be as we wondered
2:25if we didn't speak to infants they
2:26didn't hear adult language what would
2:28just emerge
2:29actually and really this is an empirical
2:31question you can put this to a test and
2:33back at that time he thought you being
2:35what he was he thought it might be
2:37Hebrew as the first language or could be
2:39Latin or Greek I suspect there were
2:41European kings elsewhere who might beg
2:42to differ right but at that time in
2:44history it was not uncommon for women to
2:46die during childbirth and so these
2:49infants would be raising these large
2:50orphanages by wet nurses so he devised a
2:52simple experiment took about 20 infants
2:55and these are the instructions all they
2:58were to be was to have their basic needs
2:59met fed clothed diapers changed under no
3:03circumstances where the caregivers
3:05allowed to interact with them talk with
3:07them cuddle play do all the things that
3:09we expect with infants the experiment
3:12was a dismal failure by accounts written
3:16by a monk at the time all of them are
3:17dead within several weeks now you and I
3:20might know this is failure to thrive in
3:22modern day we know the importance of
3:24connection so much so even neonatal
3:26intensive care units have changed their
3:28practices from 50 years ago right now
3:30the encourage contact between the parent
3:32and the sensitive children because it
3:34reduces health complications and
3:36decreases time spent in hospital and
3:38improves development across the board
3:40alright so we learned from that story
3:42about the richness important of social
3:45connection and after that I have to show
3:47you this picture right so you feel good
3:48you know speaking about emotional
3:50attachment these are twin pygmy
3:52marmosets who are born in twin pairs and
3:54the metabolic challenge is so great by
3:57the mother to feed them that the males
4:00often have to kick in and do a
4:01substantial amount of caregiving so much
4:03so that even non-related males will come
4:05in and they'll carry these babies around
4:06all right this is attachment at its
4:08finest and that's what I'm going to talk
4:10about today and I want to make some
4:12arguments that you know we socialize
4:14boys away from attachment now back to
4:17the story of about the importance of
4:19connection in both physical and mental
4:21health I'm willing to bet if I pull the
4:23audience right now and asks you with the
4:25primary risk factors for cardiovascular
4:26disease or I think in short order we'd
4:28come up with the usual suspects right
4:30inactivity hypertension cholesterol
4:32smoking right if you're not familiar
4:34with relative risk what this means is if
4:36you are somebody who smokes
4:37you are two-and-a-half times more likely
4:39to develop CV disease and somebody who
4:41doesn't smoke
4:42all right this is our conventional
4:44understanding of health now upwards of
4:4630 years or so of epidemiological
4:48research has found another culprit and
4:51this might surprise some of you social
4:54isolation people who are socially
4:56isolated are three times or almost three
4:58times more likely to develop
4:59cardiovascular disease that somebody who
5:01is socially connected now this is not an
5:04abstract idea this is not me with a
5:06political or religious ideology this is
5:09not new ageism we have study after study
5:11after study this shows us very clear
5:14evidence on the role of social
5:15connectedness now what does this have to
5:17do with men and boys and men all right
5:19some of you might hold the stereotype
5:20and maybe some of you might uphold the
5:22stereotype of men being less emotional
5:24than women are being stoic or the
5:27favorite phrase boys don't cry I'm here
5:29to suggest otherwise and actually
5:31research suggests infant boys are
5:33actually more expressive in both range
5:36and intensity than infant females and
5:39interestingly if you watch a group of
5:41two or three year olds at play both boys
5:43and girls you see this wide range of
5:46negative and positive emotions it's
5:48actually kind of hard to distinguish
5:49between the two because they're so
5:50similar but the stories start to to
5:53change over time right around age six
5:56and they get into kindergarten these
5:57paths start to diverge now if we
5:59fast-forward into adolescence the young
6:01adulthood we start to see a new pattern
6:03this is one of my favorite photos
6:06colleague of mine at Clark University by
6:08name of Michael Addis his father took
6:09this on a street corner in Oklahoma back
6:11in the 50s I think you and I can what
6:13this guy's feeling right and there's
6:15probably some pretty good rules about
6:16what he's allowed to show and what he's
6:18not allowed to show and that's we're
6:20gonna be talking about today now there
6:23was a recent study actually a series of
6:24them that looked at an ask men and women
6:26in America and it was kind of equal
6:27representation of European American
6:29african-american Asian American they
6:31wanted them to generate a list and then
6:33rate emotions that are culturally
6:36acceptable for men and women here in the
6:38United States and at the end of that the
6:39results suggested that men were allowed
6:41to display these three emotions at
6:43greater rates anger contempt and pride
6:46whereas women were allowed to experience
6:49joy compassion sympathy fear and a host
6:52of other ones
6:53now we're talking about emotional
6:56expression at this point right but that
6:58doesn't tell the whole story if we hook
7:01these same individuals up to equipment
7:03that can measure our autonomic nervous
7:05system responses and these are the
7:06things that we once thought we couldn't
7:08control like heart rate you know skin
7:10conductance sweat muscle tension breath
7:13rate and then we expose them to stimuli
7:15that can evoke or elicit strong emotions
7:17these gender differences disappear so
7:21we're not so different on the inside but
7:23it's very clear that we have some
7:24differences expected on the outside what
7:28happened or what's happening to
7:29employees and men back in 1987 so we
7:32know the name of long came up with this
7:34male emotional funnel system so we all
7:36come into the world with a full range of
7:38vulnerable emotions you can see some of
7:40them there behind me fear shame but over
7:45time we teach our boys to reach annal
7:47them into anger and aggression and it's
7:50not that we like these displays but we
7:52tolerate them and sometimes even accept
7:54them in our men but what you don't know
7:59and you don't see is that half second
8:02before anger came and I'm going to make
8:05the argument this is the true primary
8:06emotion all right if we feel shame anger
8:09rises up to defend against it all right
8:11so I'm really interested in what's
8:12happening in that moment right before
8:14this is Christian Hopkins again with
8:17this remarkable photo or we teach boys
8:20it is not okay to be vulnerable it's not
8:22okay to be hurt right but it's okay to
8:25cover that up with either anger or
8:27silence the problem with that is if we
8:30take that over the lifespan the more we
8:32do that the less connected we are with
8:34our own emotional states and we can
8:35actually lose our ability to detect
8:37those subtle changes in our emotions and
8:39if we extend it one more layer we also
8:41then over time lose or impair our
8:43ability to detect those and respond to
8:46those in others as well so now we've
8:48really created a problem when two people
8:50are supposed to be interacting now it's
8:53not all about well actually one thing I
8:54want to ask you I want you think about
8:55the person in your life non family
8:57member who's closest to you how do they
9:00go from being a complete stranger to
9:01being somebody whom you trust chances
9:04are over time there's that reciprocal
9:06vulnerability or you finally that you
9:08found somebody
9:09for whom you could be yourself you have
9:10to worry about that judgment but it's
9:14not all about negative emotions it turns
9:16out those same people who stilt those
9:20knave emotions report less compassion
9:22joy and all these other things these
9:24positive things that we take for granted
9:25right as part of the human experience
9:27and as psychologists we call that making
9:29a pact with the devil right you can't
9:32get one without the other
9:33now what's remarkable be a human being
9:35is we have this giant forebrain and we
9:37can make these decisions we can say you
9:39know what you know I just broke up this
9:40individual I'm never going to get hurt
9:42again I'm never going to be vulnerable
9:44never going to show weakness but when we
9:46do so we end up muting our experiences
9:48on both ends and then that makes it
9:50harder to connect with people my next
9:53turning point is a professional one so I
9:56had a male client as late 30s came to
9:59his first session just angry aggressive
10:01a history of violence I didn't want to
10:04work with him I from write right off the
10:06bat I knew that but a couple sessions in
10:08I found out he had just an incredibly
10:10tragic trauma history he himself had
10:13been a victim of severe physical abuse
10:15he had perpetrated physical abuse kid
10:18poly substance addiction had declared
10:21bankruptcy several failed relationships
10:23but all he ever showed was anger there
10:26was no hurt there was no sadness and
10:30just anger every time in the couple
10:33sessions and he said to me you know what
10:35I know what you're trying to get me to
10:37do and I'm not going to do it I haven't
10:39cried in 25 years and I'm not going to
10:42start now
10:42I said look to be honest with you I
10:45don't care whether you cry or not but my
10:47goal is to help you get in touch with
10:49what you're experiencing and if that
10:50involves crying then so be it
10:52I said I wasn't really curious I said so
10:55what do you find so aversive about the
10:57idea of crying and he looked me straight
10:59in the eye dead serious and said I'm
11:01afraid that if I start I'm going to
11:03crawl up in a fetal position and never
11:05be able to stop so so that told me he
11:08was well aware of what he was masking in
11:11controlling that situation now you can
11:15probably suspect where the story is
11:17going to go right eight about eight
11:18weeks after that came in we're having a
11:20session
11:21and all of a sudden the tides change and
11:24here he was and he just wept wept openly
11:26for the first time in 25 years in front
11:28of a man no less right there was no
11:31anger there was no shame
11:33it was just calmness and stillness and I
11:35was actually very emotionally moved as
11:37well and at the end of it he kind of you
11:39know once it was kind of all over he
11:41looked really relaxed and he looked up
11:42to me and he kind of smile and he goes
11:43huh now I see why people do that right
11:47but I had a little turning point then I
11:49said you know what if being the man
11:51therapist means that I can be part of
11:53this journey with these individuals then
11:54you know sign me up this is something I
11:56want to do professionally now another
12:01thing it's easy to challenge these norms
12:03I study this stuff I teach I research it
12:05I encourage my male clients to do it
12:07right but I stumble with it all the time
12:09so my next story is a personal one so a
12:12couple years ago a colleague had sent me
12:13a link to a photo project called days
12:16with my father on days with my father
12:17calm Philip Toledano is a uk-based
12:20photojournalist and he chronicled his
12:21father's struggle with Alzheimer's
12:24disease so I'm here at my kitchen table
12:25tears streaming down my face I was alone
12:27so it was okay and I heard my daughter
12:31you know say Papa you know time for dub
12:33time and so my gut reaction was to shut
12:36this thing down right wipe my eyes and I
12:38start rationalizing it's like oh you
12:40know what she's never seen me cry it's
12:42gonna confuse her I might freak her out
12:44I don't know explain this so I went on
12:46we had our normal evening later that
12:48night I was lying in bed and saying oh
12:49my gosh you know I just missed this
12:51opportunity you know it could been a
12:53teachable moment say a daddies cry too
12:55and she could get that I mean she would
12:57understand you know she cries and the
12:59lights were too bright in the morning
13:00when I wake her up right but I had kind
13:03of put myself in check and I missed that
13:05and so I want to ask you all you know
13:06how many opportunities have we missed
13:07with men in our lives to be vulnerable
13:10and be honest there but I find a
13:14fascinating irony in this men's issue
13:16stuff because men are also I tend to
13:18score higher on risk-taking behaviors
13:20and women strive myself to a kite in a
13:23surfboard sign me up
13:25right do whatever these guys are doing
13:28the swinging fool no yes please
13:31going out with your best friend
13:33putting arm in the shoulder
13:35even look in the eye and say you know
13:37what you mean a lot to me I'm really
13:38glad you're in my life this one is
13:41supposed to cue crickets chirping right
13:43we don't do those things and by the way
13:47it doesn't count the I Love You Man six
13:50beers in the bar time right that's not
13:52what I'm talking about here is very
13:53different than that all right which
13:55brings me to this turning point for you
13:58all right
13:59social changes are required this massive
14:01organized movement I mean all it
14:03requires is each one of us make one
14:04small change our lives right to get
14:08people to respond in a different way
14:09right to put down this mask but it's a
14:12misconception that I'm out here
14:13spreading a message that men have to
14:15stop be you know stop being men I'm not
14:17asking them to radically change who they
14:19are when I work with men on this issue I
14:21really say hey this is another skill
14:23that you can learn and that you can
14:25apply in the right situations and I'm
14:28not saying that we have to do this in
14:29all situations you and I know very well
14:31that there are places that we find
14:34ourselves where that emotional control
14:36and restriction is called for and it's
14:38necessary my concern is that when we
14:41take that and that is our default mode
14:43in our human relationships so we come
14:46into our workplace we come into our
14:47family we come into our friendships with
14:51just that blocking and the masking but
14:55changing this doesn't have to be
14:56complicated I came up with two simple
14:59tips for us just even start with one is
15:02let's eliminate phrases like man up boys
15:06will be boys stop acting like a girl I
15:09just acknowledged that these are common
15:11human emotions we all experience and
15:13they don't have to be gendered in any
15:14way the second point is let's redefine
15:17what it means to be courageous and if
15:19you think about it doesn't require
15:20courage to hide behind a mask requires
15:23courage is to be open and vulnerable no
15:25matter what the outcome and that's
15:27really what we're asking and what I ask
15:29men to do so I want to end with an
15:31observation I made a year ago I was
15:33taking my two kids trick-or-treating and
15:35a group of four boys we're probably at
15:3711 to 12 or engage what I call
15:40competitive trick-or-treating right so
15:41there's like darting from house to house
15:43trying to fill up these bags and they
15:45whiz by us on the driveway and this one
15:47guys you know yells to his friend he
15:48says you better
15:49a shoe they get up to the house and get
15:51their candy they bound off the porch
15:54sure enough the kid with the untied shoe
15:56takes a digger onto the concrete and my
15:59first reaction was here it comes right
16:02there this guy's going to get it but
16:05that's not what happened so his friend
16:07gets down on one knee puts his hand on
16:09the shoulder and says man are you okay
16:11because okay I am fine succeed that's
16:13why I told you that's why I wanted you
16:15to tie your shoe I want to see you get
16:16hurt are you sure you're okay and the
16:18friends like yeah yeah I'm fine
16:19so cuz if you're not okay I'm sure all
16:21of us will be just fine going back to my
16:23house we can stop trick-or-treating we
16:24can just hang out and his friends are
16:25nodding their head are you sure you okay
16:27he's like yeah no that's fine we can
16:29keep being out there it's like well Lisa
16:30let me tie your shoe and he gets down
16:32those other knee and ties his French
16:33shoe and then they go off sprinting to
16:34the next house but I learned a lesson
16:37that night because I had my own
16:38expectations and they were proven wrong
16:41and I'm willing to bet if we turn off
16:43the nightly news and sometimes our news
16:44feeds and our social media sites and
16:47just look around us you're going to see
16:48a lot more of that happening than we
16:50know and by recognizing it and seeing it
16:53then we start to make small cultural
16:55shifts where people learn that it's okay
16:57and it's not going to be judged
16:58negatively or punished so back to this
17:02image my wish for you as an audience is
17:04to walk away from this and commit to
17:06removing the mask at least in some small
17:09way now I've been met with criticism
17:11with this message and it's using the
17:13form of but are we going to woo safai or
17:16safai our American boys and men but I
17:18want to remind you of the male emotional
17:21funnel system so if you hear this
17:22message and you feel this like defensive
17:24anger pop up what was it that you
17:27experienced right before that right and
17:30what truly do we have to fear by doing
17:33this so when you go back out in your
17:36lives I want you to be courageous be
17:40vulnerable and just take one small risk
17:43with something your life to make a
17:45deeper connection thank you for your
17:48time
18:13you
18:14you

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