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Ultimate Guide to Winning Child Custody Against a Narcissist — Transcript

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0:00hey guys Tammy here and in this video
0:02I'm going to give you my Ultimate Guide
0:05to winning child custody against a
0:07narcissist now there's always a long
0:11list of things that you can do obviously
0:14I can't teach you everything in one
0:16video but I'm going to give you my three
0:18big rocks that I think are kind of the
0:21key for most people that will start to
0:24turn the tide on your case okay and
0:26number three is very Court specific so
0:30stick with me till the end of this video
0:32because you are going to want to hear
0:34that piece of
0:35[Music]
0:44it the first thing that I think that we
0:46have to do and this is something that
0:50everybody does especially at the very
0:52beginning of our case and it causes you
0:57to really be sending the wrong message
0:59to the court because what the courts
1:01really care about is best interest of
1:04the child right they're very child
1:06focused and very not focused on the
1:10parents and yet we go in and what do the
1:13vast majority of us do myself included
1:16in the very beginning is we tear down
1:19the other parent or we want to go in and
1:22just point out all the things that the
1:24other parent is doing wrong right we
1:27want to point out all their mistakes
1:29whether it's that they're verbally and
1:31emotionally abusive whether there's an
1:33alcohol problem whether they just don't
1:36show up for their parenting time whether
1:39they're bringing the kids back late
1:41whether the whatever all of the
1:43different violations are we want to lay
1:47those out for the court because in our
1:50mind we're always taught that the court
1:53comes at this from a perspective of
1:55what's reasonable right you know we we
1:58we hear that terminology used a lot and
2:01so in our mind we apply that to the
2:04parenting and we go well okay it's
2:07reasonable if I show all the things that
2:11this person is doing poorly and then the
2:15court knows that I'm not doing any of
2:17those things poorly then I'm obviously
2:19the better parent and so it's reasonable
2:22that the court would want to give more
2:24parenting time to the parent that's a
2:26better parent right and that's sort of
2:28how the logic works in our head except I
2:32find that the reason that a lot of
2:33people fail when they're in the court
2:36system or dealing with a narcissistic
2:38person is because we are applying our
2:41own logic to it and we aren't applying
2:44the Court's logic to it and let me tell
2:47you those two can be completely opposed
2:51to each other because the perspective
2:54that the court
2:55takes is not in line with our parenting
2:59perspective and I think when I first
3:01came into this and I worked with my late
3:03husband Thomas who was an attorney as
3:05most of you know if you've been watching
3:06the channel for a while and he's in some
3:08of the old videos but this was kind of
3:10the the big concept for me to wrap my
3:13brain around you know we would go into I
3:15would go in hearings with him and we
3:17would come back out and I would just
3:18spend all this time picking his brain
3:21about like well why did the judge think
3:22that and why did they make this ruling
3:24or what was their thought process on
3:26this that or the other thing and that
3:28really kind of became the key for me
3:31that started to unlock everything else
3:34your judge is mostly concerned about
3:36safety of the children and if they feel
3:38that the children are safe in both
3:41parents' care then who's the better
3:44parent is not necessarily going to move
3:47the needle okay really if both people
3:51are what we call adequate then if you're
3:54in a state that defaults to 50/50 like
3:56California that's probably what you're
3:58going to end up with if you're in a
3:59state like Texas where they default to a
4:02primary parent and then sort of a
4:04standard visitation as they call it or
4:06expanded standard then you're probably
4:09going to end up with that if both
4:11parents are adequate the only time that
4:12you end up with something different is
4:14when there is either a logistical
4:16problem to where the court just can't
4:18make that happen or when there's some
4:21kind of safety concern that causes the
4:24court to go uh you know this probably
4:26isn't the best thing for the children so
4:30focusing on all the mistakes that other
4:32parent made is not really going to help
4:35you because the question is are you both
4:39adequate so you want to focus more on
4:41proving you are adequate okay because if
4:45the other parent isn't that's going to
4:47come through in their presentation if
4:50somebody's really not focused on the
4:51kids really focused on themselves
4:54engaging in selfish behaviors drinking
4:56excessively doing things like that that
4:59will usually come out during the course
5:01of the process itself so really we want
5:05to focus on look I'm an Engaged parent
5:09here's the Hands-On things I do on the
5:11day-to- day I take the kids to school I
5:13cook dinner I do homework I change
5:15diapers I get up in the middle of the
5:17night and do feedings I coach the
5:19baseball team I you know coach cheer I
5:23what whatever your thing is that you
5:25participate in and do with your child
5:28that's what the court is most focused on
5:30and so if you're saying look I'm engaged
5:32in all these ways and then the other
5:34parent shows up and they don't even know
5:37the name of the child's teacher well
5:40that's pretty obvious to the court who
5:41the more engaged parent is you want to
5:44kind of let things unfold naturally as
5:46opposed to being focused on an agenda of
5:49what the other parent doesn't do or the
5:51mistakes they make because then it comes
5:53across as you attacking the other parent
5:56instead of you being focused on your
5:59children number two thing that you want
6:02to do is focus on what you can control
6:08okay and the good news is that is many
6:12many things there are many many things
6:15that you actually can control and we get
6:19so focused on trying to control the
6:22other parent again especially in the
6:23beginning when emotions are high and
6:26things are raw and this is really really
6:28tough but when you start focusing on
6:31what you can control this is really the
6:34main key to turning the tide in your
6:38case and I talked to so many clients
6:40that are like oh well if I just had a
6:43different attorney or if I had had a
6:46better attorney for the children or if
6:49the kids had had a better therapist or
6:52the evaluator had been a better
6:54evaluator we we think that the that the
6:57key is the pieces of the system and
7:01having good enough or qualified enough
7:03or aggressive enough people within the
7:06system to accomplish our agenda and I
7:09will tell you that that is almost never
7:13what the outcome is based on in my
7:16experience what the outcome is based on
7:19primarily in my experience is the
7:23clients conduct plain and simple if you
7:26want to bring it down to one core thing
7:28your conduct is going to impact your
7:32case more than any other choice you make
7:36in your case more important than the
7:38attorney you choose more important than
7:40the experts you choose more important
7:42than anything else is how you choose to
7:44conduct yourself now what does that
7:46include first off I would say that most
7:49people are reactive to the other side
7:51especially if you're the codependent
7:54person and you've been in with this
7:56narcissistic person usually we are the
7:59real active ones right I mean I'm in
8:01that codependent camp with you so
8:03usually we tend to be the more
8:05emotionally reactive ones and if that's
8:08the the situation then you have to very
8:11first thing start working on working
8:14through those emotions and controlling
8:16those reactions to the other person
8:18because that's part of how they bait you
8:21right they they go oh this person's
8:23crazy and then they just kind of do
8:25little things to kind of attack you and
8:29sometimes they're very passive
8:30aggressive right little things that
8:32nobody else is going to notice that you
8:35know are meant as a dig at you and then
8:38eventually after so many pokes so to
8:41speak you react and then they go well
8:46look I told you this person was crazy
8:49and then when the court is seeing that
8:51you're reacting to everything it just
8:53feeds that other parents narrative about
8:56you right it almost confirms what
8:58they're saying because they're saying oh
9:00this person's crazy and then you're
9:01being reactive and then you're
9:03confirming for the court that you are in
9:06fact crazy because of your reaction so
9:08that's number one I think is just
9:10learning to control your reactions and
9:12that's a very emotional component of
9:15this number two is
9:19communication your communication with
9:22the other parent can tell the court
9:24volumes your communication can hurt your
9:27credibility or it can help help your
9:30credibility and if you can do your
9:32communication well if you are working
9:35with an attorney you can give them so
9:37much more ammunition to be able to use
9:39in court and you know if you're
9:41self-represented you need that
9:43ammunition right to use in court but you
9:45really have to learn how to utilize your
9:47Communication in a way that sort of
9:50boxes the other parent in and I'll tell
9:52you that one of the big mistakes that
9:54most people make with communication is
9:57that they try to do doent their case and
10:02the court doesn't want communication
10:04about the child to be used as
10:08documentation purposes okay but there
10:11are subtle ways that you can kind of box
10:14that parent in a little more and be able
10:16to gain or gather evidence on the things
10:21that they are doing when I work with
10:23clients on this communication is
10:25something we dig really deep on because
10:28even just down to the verbage that you
10:32choose in your communication can make a
10:35big difference with a narcissist
10:37narcissists are control freaks they
10:40usually want to do exactly what you're
10:42asking them not to do and so there's a
10:45lot of thought for me personally when
10:49I'm working alongside a client into what
10:52verbage do we specifically use in this
10:56situation so that we can try to get the
10:59result we want and look if you send a
11:01communication and then they agree and
11:03they do what you want fantastic and if
11:06they don't then hopefully you've worded
11:09things in a way that shows the court
11:12that they're uncooperative or they're
11:13not agreeing or whatever that aspect of
11:17their character that you're trying to
11:18bring out is there is a way to do that
11:22in the way that you structure your
11:24communication and again those can be
11:26really helpful in providing credit
11:29credibility for your case and for what
11:31you're saying and credibility tends to
11:34have like a domino effect if you can
11:36show that you have done what you said
11:40you're going to do and you you're
11:42credible and when you tell the court
11:44something like it's not a lie you have
11:45stuff to back it up and you have all
11:47these things then what happens is you
11:50know you can really start to gain some
11:54momentum because then everything that
11:55comes out of your mouth becomes
11:58believable by the court because you've
12:00shown this history of being credible so
12:02then when you say other things those are
12:04taken as credible too even if you maybe
12:07don't have evidence on that particular
12:09issue the other thing that I tell people
12:11to do is document documentation is so
12:16within your
12:17control and it's something that can be
12:20tedious and time consuming and it can
12:23feel overwhelming and like what do you
12:26document what do you not but honest ly
12:30when you have the documentation you have
12:33detailed records of events which again
12:37goes back to the credibility you know I
12:39talked to somebody today who the other
12:42parent is withholding the child and I
12:45said okay and and what their comment to
12:47me was well the other parent does this
12:50all the time okay so if I'm standing in
12:52front of the court and I'm saying the
12:54other parent withholds the child all the
12:56time what goes through a judge's mind is
12:58like okay what is all the Define all the
13:01time what does that mean is that once a
13:03month to you is that once a week does
13:06that mean you've only seen the CH child
13:07twice in the entire year like what are
13:10the concrete numbers to that okay or do
13:14you have the exact dates that you were
13:16supposed to have visitation that the
13:18child was withheld learning how to
13:21document things in that way again it
13:24gives you credibility and then you can
13:27go in and just present the facts and say
13:31child the child's been withheld and I
13:33have not had my regular visitation with
13:35the child on the following dates and
13:39then you don't even have to say Mom Dad
13:42whoever you don't even have to say their
13:44name or even bring them into it the
13:46Court's going to know obviously that
13:48they were the one that that was
13:50withholding and it's going to kind of
13:52bring them into it naturally but not in
13:54a way that you're having to attack and
13:56point out that the other parent is with
13:59holding the children right so it's sort
14:01of kind of coming at it through the back
14:03door that shows that like hey I'm
14:06concerned because the child's been
14:08withheld I haven't had this time with
14:11the child and that means the child isn't
14:14seeing me as frequently it causes
14:16disruption for the child you know and we
14:18stay very focused on how that is
14:22impacting the child and not what the
14:25other person's behavior is all three of
14:28those things that I've been talking
14:29about are very much within your control
14:33and very doable but I will tell you that
14:35people really struggle with this in the
14:37beginning they struggle with knowing
14:40what verbage to use they struggle with
14:43knowing when to communicate when not to
14:45communicate and look sometimes legally
14:49you have to communicate and other times
14:52from sort of like a therapeutic
14:53narcissistic side you have to draw that
14:56boundary and the middle ground where
14:58those two things live together can be a
15:03very fine line to walk because you want
15:07to be able to draw that boundary and
15:09have peace in your own life and be able
15:12to not have to endure the abuse and
15:15manipulation and attacks but you also
15:18want to do things that are going to help
15:20your case in the long run custody is a
15:23marathon not a Sprint and when I work
15:27with clients in my group coaching
15:28program which I think is a great
15:29resource for anybody going through this
15:32this is one of the things that happens
15:34is you I come alongside them and I work
15:37with them for several months so that
15:39you're getting that constant feedback of
15:42okay how do I word this do I respond to
15:46that message what verbiage do I use how
15:48do I document these things what are the
15:50facts that are important to document how
15:52do I keep from reacting how do I keep
15:55from behaving this way when I'm put in
15:57this position or when I'm put in this
15:59position what should my response be and
16:02the interesting thing is when you get
16:05into that group
16:07setting you know I have clients that
16:09they're not only getting the access to
16:11me in that group program but they're
16:14also getting the benefit of hearing all
16:17the other moms or dads I have a program
16:20for both all the other moms and dads
16:23experiences and perspective so you're
16:26not just getting learning in a one on
16:29one situation you're also getting
16:32learning from the collective of
16:34everybody else that's in there and I had
16:37a a new a client that's new to the group
16:39coaching program recently tell me she
16:41said Tammy I've been going through this
16:42for about two years and I've had three
16:45different attorneys and I can tell you
16:46that the first week in this program I
16:49have learned more about how to help
16:52myself and how to advocate for myself in
16:55my own case than I have from three years
16:58of having
16:59and working with attorneys because they
17:02just don't explain on a granular level
17:05what you personally need to do an
17:08attorney is focused on moving your case
17:10through the system from a procedural and
17:13legal perspective but if you don't have
17:17the goods so to speak to give the
17:19attorney to leverage in that
17:22process then you're dead in the water
17:24because if you're communicating poorly
17:26reacting poorly you know condu ing
17:29yourself poorly and and not documenting
17:32anything then what bullets do you have
17:35to give the attorney to be able to
17:37utilize in your case to try to help you
17:39you don't all you have is what you can
17:42lightly recall off the top of your head
17:43or what you're saying but you don't
17:45actually have the concrete building
17:49blocks to put together to create for the
17:52case Okay so this is a real important
17:56piece of it and like I said the good
17:58news is this all lies within your
18:00control I have people that come in that
18:02say wow I'm amazed at the difference in
18:04my life in my peace in my case in the
18:07other parents communication with me
18:09everything within such a short period of
18:12time so if you'd like to learn more
18:15about that program I have an in-depth
18:18training that you can go and get more
18:20information on it it's at divorce
18:22University
18:23online.com slvp coaching if you want to
18:27check that out now the third piece of
18:30this which is when you're standing in
18:33court right or when you're preparing
18:35documents for court and this is a
18:38mistake that a lot of people make and
18:40matter of fact I just came off a call
18:42with a client about an hour ago that I
18:44was having this exact conversation with
18:47and what we do is we tend to want to
18:49throw everything we have at the court
18:52what that does is you have to think of
18:55it as throwing rocks into the ocean okay
18:59when you're throwing Rock after Rock
19:02after Rock after Rock after rock into
19:04the ocean and they're all these little
19:07Pebbles you know there's no finding
19:10those pebbles in the middle of the ocean
19:13after that right but if I have two or
19:15three big huge massive Boulders and I
19:19drop
19:20those then we could probably find those
19:24right if we tagged them in some way if
19:26we if we did them on the be beat
19:29whatever you would be able to find Big
19:31Rocks you're not going to find a million
19:34tiny Pebbles and yet this is another
19:37mistake that we make we go in and we
19:39want to give our whole life story and
19:42tell the court about every tiny Pebble
19:44that has happened and the volume becomes
19:47so massive that the court loses sight of
19:51those core pieces that will actually
19:54move the needle in your case so you have
19:56to think of the needle as moving because
19:59of the level of uh weightiness the level
20:03of like severity and significance of
20:06something happening and not based on the
20:09volume of the hundreds of things that
20:12have happened right hundreds of little
20:15tiny things don't get you near as much
20:17as one big thing and so you want to
20:21focus on your big rocks now again this
20:23comes down into discernment and figuring
20:25out what those big rocks are but when
20:27you're inundating the court with too
20:28much information your main points get
20:32lost
20:34and then you don't get the result that
20:36you were looking for in court and so
20:38many people come out disappointed and I
20:40think a vast majority of the time it has
20:43to do with how we're presenting that
20:45information it's not even the
20:47information we're presenting but it's
20:48the context in which it's getting
20:51presented the framework is really a key
20:54piece of this okay so if you would like
20:56to learn more about my coaching services
20:58or again if you want to check out that
21:00group um program and get more details
21:03and it I have a video on that'll answer
21:05your questions and give you all the
21:07information that you need about it you
21:08can go to divorce University
21:10online.com
21:12SLV coaching and um I hope that that
21:16serves you and I look forward to talking
21:17to you guys
21:22soon to see The
21:25Horizon turn us to thousand and

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