혼자가 편한 사람들이 오히려 인간관계가 좋은 이유 — Transcript

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1. 0:00It’s Friday evening. Everyone at the
2. 0:01office is asking, "What are you doing
3. 0:03today?" They head out together, saying,
4. 0:04"Let’s go grab a drink." But
5. 0:06there’s one person who quietly packs
6. 0:08their bag and heads home alone. Do you
7. 0:11think, "Maybe they’re a bit of an
8. 0:12outcast?" Did you wonder if they just
9. 0:14don’t like people? Not at all. It’s
10. 0:16not because they have no plans, but
11. 0:17because they just want to be alone
12. 0:19today. The look on their face when they
13. 0:21get home, change into comfy clothes,
14. 0:22boil some ramen, and put on a movie
15. 0:23they've been wanting to see. Far from
16. 0:25looking lonely, they look the most
17. 0:26relaxed they’ve been all day. When we
18. 0:28see someone like this, we secretly
19. 0:30worry or feel sorry for them, but
20. 0:32psychology interprets this scene in the
21. 0:34exact opposite way. Being able to truly
22. 0:37enjoy playing alone is a high-level
23. 0:38skill that not everyone possesses. By
24. 0:42the end of this video, you will clearly
25. 0:44see that the person who plays well
26. 0:45alone might actually be the most
27. 0:47resilient person around, and that this
28. 0:49trait is already within you as well.
29. 0:55Hello. This is Friendly Psychology. You
30. 0:57know those people who, when asked what
31. 0:59they did over the weekend, say they
32. 1:00watched a movie alone, but look
33. 1:02perfectly satisfied? The people who sit
34. 1:04alone in the middle of a busy
35. 1:05restaurant, calmly finish their meal,
36. 1:07or take a spontaneous trip alone and
37. 1:09smile about how great it was. For these
38. 1:12people, doing things alone isn't just a
39. 1:13way to kill time; it’s actually time
40. 1:15they look forward to. They have a
41. 1:18favorite cafe they go to alone, a
42. 1:19favorite seat there, and even a set
43. 1:21course for their weekend morning walks.
44. 1:24Even if it looks lonely to others, they
45. 1:26find that time to be the most
46. 1:27comfortable part of their day. But
47. 1:29there are thoughts that automatically
48. 1:31follow when we see someone playing
49. 1:32alone. "They must not have any friends.
50. 1:34""Don't they have anyone to call on the
51. 1:35weekend?""They must be lonely." Even
52. 1:37the person themselves feels that way
53. 1:38sometimes. If their group chats are
54. 1:41quiet on a Friday night and their
55. 1:42weekend plans are empty, they might
56. 1:44feel like they’re living their life
57. 1:45wrong. It feels like everyone else is
58. 1:47having fun somewhere, while only you
59. 1:49are left at home. But this anxiety is
60. 1:51actually something our society has
61. 1:52planted in us. For a long time, we were
62. 1:55taught that living well meant being
63. 1:56surrounded by people. You’re supposed
64. 1:58to have plans on the weekend, people
65. 2:00should gather for your birthday, and if
66. 2:01you try to do something alone, you get
67. 2:03asked, "Why are you doing that by
68. 2:04yourself?" On Monday morning, the
69. 2:06standard greeting is "What did you do
70. 2:07over the weekend?" and saying "I just
71. 2:09rested at home" makes you feel like
72. 2:10your answer isn't good enough.
73. 2:12There’s this pressure that you should
74. 2:14have done something impressive. At the
75. 2:16office, the default is to head out to
76. 2:18lunch in a group, so if you say
77. 2:19you’ll eat alone, people worry and
78. 2:20ask, "Is something wrong?" During the
79. 2:23holidays, as much as people ask when
80. 2:24you're getting married, hearing "Are
81. 2:26you meeting any friends lately?" can be
82. 2:28just as stinging. You might have even
83. 2:30walked into a restaurant to eat alone
84. 2:31and immediately looked for a seat in
85. 2:33the corner, just in case you ran into
86. 2:34someone you knew. There are days when
87. 2:36you want to just pack up and travel,
88. 2:38but you end up giving up because you
89. 2:40don't have anyone to go with, thinking,
90. 2:41"I'll just go next time." On your
91. 2:44birthday, having no plans feels worse
92. 2:45than just getting a year older.
93. 2:48That’s why we’ve subtly learned to
94. 2:50view being alone as a sort of failure.
95. 2:51And social media really pours fuel on
96. 2:53the fire. Lying in bed on a Friday
97. 2:55night, scrolling through pictures of
98. 2:57other people’s busy weekends makes my
99. 2:59own quiet weekend suddenly feel
100. 3:01pathetic. Everyone else seems to be
101. 3:03laughing in some fancy place, while I
102. 3:04feel like I'm the only one left behind.
103. 3:06But those photos are actually just
104. 3:08three-second snippets of the best parts
105. 3:10of their day. We are playing a losing
106. 3:13game by comparing other people's
107. 3:14highlights to our own mundane lives.
108. 3:17But there is an optical illusion here.
109. 3:19Just as not being able to have fun
110. 3:20alone doesn't mean you're social, being
111. 3:22able to have fun alone doesn't mean you
112. 3:24lack social skills. In fact, many
113. 3:26people who enjoy being alone are
114. 3:28incredibly popular in social circles.
115. 3:30They are just people who have an extra
116. 3:32card in their deck; they know how to
117. 3:34have fun both with others and by
118. 3:35themselves. Nevertheless, a question
119. 3:38suddenly arises. Isn't being alone just
120. 3:40another way of saying you're lonely?
121. 3:42This is exactly where many people get
122. 3:44confused. The state we lump together as
123. 3:46"being alone" actually contains two
124. 3:48completely different things. If you
125. 3:50can't distinguish between them, you end
126. 3:52up assuming that even those who enjoy
127. 3:54being alone must be lonely. Loneliness
128. 3:56and solitude are completely different.
129. 3:58Loneliness is a deficiency of being
130. 4:00alone when you didn't choose it. On the
131. 4:02other hand, solitude is a time you
132. 4:04choose for yourself that fulfills you.
133. 4:06Even if the outward appearance of being
134. 4:08alone is the same, in one case, time
135. 4:09eats away at you, while in the other,
136. 4:11it fills you up and makes you stronger.
137. 4:13And if you flip this distinction around
138. 4:15, you see something interesting. It
139. 4:16shows that loneliness doesn't only come
140. 4:18when you're by yourself. The chill that
141. 4:21comes when you’re in a crowded, noisy
142. 4:23room where everyone is laughing at an
143. 4:25inside joke you don't get, or a night
144. 4:27when you're in a group chat with ten
145. 4:29people but can't open up to a single
146. 4:31one—that feeling of being
147. 4:33disconnected despite being surrounded
148. 4:35by others, that is true loneliness.
149. 4:38People who know how to enjoy being
150. 4:39alone understand this distinction
151. 4:41perfectly. Because they know their
152. 4:42solitude is a choice, not a lack of
153. 4:44company, they feel a sense of ease
154. 4:46instead of loneliness on a Friday night
155. 4:48. But you might be thinking this right
156. 4:50now. "But when I'm alone, I don't feel
157. 4:52that ease, I just feel anxious." You're
158. 4:55right. The real reason being alone is
159. 4:57difficult isn't actually the eyes of
160. 4:59others. You've probably had this
161. 5:00experience before. When you have no
162. 5:02plans all weekend, even though nothing
163. 5:03is technically wrong, there's that
164. 5:05sudden, intense emptiness that washes
165. 5:06over you by the afternoon. Unable to
166. 5:09bear the anxiety, you scroll through
167. 5:10group chats you don’t even care about
168. 5:12or text someone you don't really enjoy
169. 5:14meeting, asking, "What are you doing?"
170. 5:17You can’t stand the emptiness, so you
171. 5:19just invite anyone over. You end up
172. 5:21leaving boring YouTube videos on for
173. 5:23hours, or ordering too much food, just
174. 5:26to zone out while eating. It’s
175. 5:28because you feel like you need to fill
176. 5:29that void with something to keep from
177. 5:30feeling empty. Then, eventually, you
178. 5:32make plans with someone. But how did
179. 5:34you feel on your way back after meeting
180. 5:36up with just anyone? Didn't you feel
181. 5:39even emptier and more hollow inside? Of
182. 5:41course you did. That emptiness wasn't
183. 5:43caused by the absence of other people
184. 5:45in the first place. How could you fill
185. 5:47it by just covering it up with someone
186. 5:49else? That space was meant to be filled
187. 5:52by you, yourself, all along. So,
188. 5:54what’s so different about people who
189. 5:56enjoy being alone that they can fill
190. 5:58their empty time with peace instead of
191. 6:00anxiety? This is the real core of
192. 6:03today's story. For these people, when
193. 6:05time alone arrives, their eyes actually
194. 6:07light up. They have exciting plans to
195. 6:09finally do the things they’ve been
196. 6:11putting off. Going to a favorite cafe
197. 6:14to read, taking a walk through an alley
198. 6:15with earphones on, or watching a saved
199. 6:17movie at night—doesn't seem like much
200. 6:19, does it? But that is the key. These
201. 6:23people have a small "feel-good list" in
202. 6:25their heads. Favorite playlists, their
203. 6:28own special walking paths. The bakery
204. 6:30they always visit on weekend mornings,
205. 6:32or the funny video channel they watch
206. 6:34before bed. It’s nothing big or
207. 6:36extraordinary. They just know exactly
208. 6:38what makes them feel happy. They know
209. 6:42themselves so well that they know what
210. 6:44truly makes them feel alive. It’s not
211. 6:46time that barely drags on because
212. 6:48someone else fills it, but time that is
213. 6:50fully self-sufficient and flows
214. 6:51naturally. A Saturday for these people
215. 6:53usually looks like this. Sleeping in a
216. 6:56bit, having a nice brunch, reading at a
217. 6:58cafe in the afternoon, working out, and
218. 7:00finishing with a beer and a movie at
219. 7:02night. To others, it might seem like a
220. 7:05boring day, but to them, it feels
221. 7:07perfectly fulfilling and refreshing. On
222. 7:09the other hand, how about those who
223. 7:10struggle with being alone? When they
224. 7:12actually have free time on the weekend,
225. 7:14they don't know what to do, so they
226. 7:15just lie in bed scrolling through their
227. 7:17phones for hours, wasting the whole day
228. 7:19. Feeling anxious, they reach out, "
229. 7:20What are you doing?""Want to hang out?"
230. 7:22When they get turned down because
231. 7:24everyone else is busy, they suddenly
232. 7:26feel like they are the only person left
233. 7:28in the world. Since they don't feel
234. 7:31rested and feel even emptier, they
235. 7:33force their next weekend to be filled
236. 7:35with appointments out of anxiety. But
237. 7:37is the difference between these two
238. 7:39people based on some great natural
239. 7:40talent or ability? Absolutely not.
240. 7:42People who struggle with being alone
241. 7:43also definitely have things they like.
242. 7:45They just don't think to recall them
243. 7:47often enough. Strangely, when comparing
244. 7:49ourselves to others, we have a knack
245. 7:51for spotting exactly what we lack. What
246. 7:54they have that I don’t, or what they
247. 7:56can do that I can’t. But we rarely
248. 7:59look at what we actually have or what
249. 8:01truly makes us happy. How often do you
250. 8:04sit still and ask yourself, "What makes
251. 8:05me happiest these days?" It’s rare
252. 8:07that we ever stop to think about it
253. 8:09even once, isn't it? People who enjoy
254. 8:11being alone are the ones who know the
255. 8:13answer to that. It’s not that they
256. 8:15have many hobbies, but that they often
257. 8:18ask themselves what they enjoy. So when
258. 8:20they find themselves alone, they
259. 8:22naturally think, "I'll give this a try,
260. 8:24" and get to it. Instead of looking at
261. 8:27what others have, look at what you have
262. 8:29. That small shift in perspective
263. 8:31completely changes your time spent
264. 8:33alone. However, you might be thinking
265. 8:36this: If I’m that comfortable alone,
266. 8:38won't I start avoiding people and
267. 8:39neglect my relationships? It is, in
268. 8:42fact, exactly the opposite. This is
269. 8:44where it gets truly interesting. The
270. 8:47reason the power to fill your own time
271. 8:49is important is, paradoxically, for
272. 8:52healthy relationships. To invite guests
273. 8:55into your home, you need at least one
274. 8:57empty room. But if your room is packed
275. 9:00with clutter and anxiety, you have no
276. 9:03space for anyone else. Your heart is
277. 9:06the same. If you are full of emptiness
278. 9:08and deprivation, there’s no room for
279. 9:11others. That’s why those who struggle
280. 9:12with their own lives often say they are
281. 9:14exhausted by relationships. "I can't
282. 9:16stand that person." They are always
283. 9:17saying things like that. It’s not
284. 9:20because the other person is bad, but
285. 9:21because there was no room for them in
286. 9:23your heart to begin with. It’s the
287. 9:25same with dating. People who can't
288. 9:27stand being alone often start a
289. 9:29relationship just to avoid being alone.
290. 9:33So they end up clinging to their
291. 9:34partner, saying, "What do I do without
292. 9:36you?" If the partner has plans on the
293. 9:39weekend, they feel anxious, and if a
294. 9:41text is late, they check their phone
295. 9:43constantly. But the tighter you hold on
296. 9:45, the more they feel suffocated and
297. 9:47drift away. Conversely, people who
298. 9:49spend their time alone well approach
299. 9:51dating differently. Since they know how
300. 9:54to fill their day even when the partner
301. 9:56is busy, they don’t need to cling. So
302. 9:58it becomes, "I'm fine on my own, but
303. 10:00I'm even happier with you." This sense
304. 10:03of ease makes the other person feel
305. 10:04much more comfortable. Ultimately,
306. 10:05those who are good at being alone are
307. 10:07better at relationships too. And this
308. 10:09doesn't just apply to romance.
309. 10:11Friendships are exactly the same. Those
310. 10:12who can't stand being alone ask their
311. 10:14friends, "Why didn't you text me?""Are
312. 10:16you always that busy?" They end up
313. 10:17harboring resentment quite often. On
314. 10:19the other hand, those who are fine
315. 10:21alone know how to wait comfortably,
316. 10:24thinking, "They must be busy." That is
317. 10:26why people feel strangely at ease
318. 10:27around them and want to stay by their
319. 10:29side for a long time. So, in the end,
320. 10:31the order is reversed. A good
321. 10:33relationship doesn't fulfill you; you
322. 10:35must be fulfilled first for a good
323. 10:36relationship to follow. So, the ability
324. 10:39to be well on your own actually stems
325. 10:41from the same root as the ability to
326. 10:43treat others well. Only those who are
327. 10:45content within themselves can share
328. 10:48that abundance with others. So, the
329. 10:50power of being alone isn't just a trick
330. 10:52for spending a good weekend. It’s the
331. 10:54power that determines your relationship
332. 10:56with yourself and even your
333. 10:57relationships with others. Whether it's
334. 10:59eating alone, traveling alone, or
335. 11:01seeing an exhibition alone, it all
336. 11:03comes from the same root. Even if it
337. 11:06looks lonely to others, for you, it’s
338. 11:08a time of perfect recharge. And there
339. 11:10is a specific moment when this power
340. 11:12becomes truly important. It’s as you
341. 11:15get older. And this power of being
342. 11:16alone isn't something you're born with;
343. 11:18it's just like a muscle. If you use it,
344. 11:20it grows; if you don't, it atrophies.
345. 11:22Those who have been surrounded by
346. 11:24others since childhood and have never
347. 11:26been alone have no such muscle at all.
348. 11:30Just as your legs shake when you
349. 11:31suddenly climb stairs without having
350. 11:33used them, those without this muscle
351. 11:34crumble if they suddenly end up alone
352. 11:36for five minutes. Conversely, those who
353. 11:39have spent a little time alone
354. 11:40regularly won't be shaken even if they
355. 11:42are suddenly left alone one day.
356. 11:44Because that muscle is already
357. 11:46supporting them. The problem is that
358. 11:47for everyone, a day will come when you
359. 11:49must use this muscle. As children leave
360. 11:52, you retire, and you grow apart from
361. 11:54old acquaintances, time spent alone
362. 11:57inevitably increases with age. At that
363. 12:00point, for those with the muscle, it
364. 12:01becomes a freedom to fully enjoy
365. 12:03oneself, but for those without it,
366. 12:05every moment feels like a burden. It's
367. 12:08the same solitude, but one enjoys it
368. 12:10while the other endures it. So,
369. 12:12practicing how to be well on your own
370. 12:14is also a way to build the muscle
371. 12:16you'll eventually need. And there’s
372. 12:18one more interesting thing. Ironically,
373. 12:20once you become comfortable being alone
374. 12:21, being together becomes much better.
375. 12:24You clear away dull gatherings you
376. 12:25attended out of obligation and realize
377. 12:27deep in your bones how precious the
378. 12:29evenings spent with your true people
379. 12:31are. Only those who know the rich taste
380. 12:34of solitude can truly enjoy the warmth
381. 12:36of being together. The conclusion isn't
382. 12:38to force yourself to be alone. The joy
383. 12:40of hanging out together is precious in
384. 12:42its own right. However, if being alone
385. 12:44is still difficult for you, try
386. 12:45starting with something very small.
387. 12:47I’m not saying you should go on a
388. 12:49grand solo trip. Just set a two-hour
389. 12:51date with yourself this weekend. Just
390. 12:54like making plans with a friend, clear
391. 12:56those two hours on your calendar. A
392. 12:58café you wanted to visit, a movie you
393. 13:00wanted to see, a path you wanted to
394. 13:01walk alone. Anything is fine. Just put
395. 13:04your phone in your pocket for a while.
396. 13:06Watching a screen isn't playing alone;
397. 13:08it's playing with digital content.
398. 13:10Those two hours where you fill only
399. 13:11with what you love, without worrying
400. 13:13about others. At first, it might feel a
401. 13:15bit awkward and strange. But by the
402. 13:17time those two hours end, you will
403. 13:19realize it deep in your heart. Ah, I
404. 13:21really used to love things like this.
405. 13:23To others, you might just look like
406. 13:25someone drifting alone on the weekend.
407. 13:27But for that person, those hours are
408. 13:29recovery, a time to rediscover what
409. 13:31they like, and complete freedom without
410. 13:34catering to anyone. In an era where we
411. 13:36feel uneasy unless we're always
412. 13:38connected to someone, being able to
413. 13:40comfortably protect your own time might
414. 13:42mean this. It means this person is on
415. 13:44good terms with themselves. And that is
416. 13:46the starting point for all good
417. 13:48relationships. After all, the only
418. 13:50person who will be with you until the
419. 13:52very end is yourself. If today's video
420. 13:55touched your heart even a little, don't
421. 13:57forget to subscribe, like, and hit the
422. 13:58notification bell to join Kind
423. 14:00Psychology in building your mental
424. 14:01muscles. What is time alone like for
425. 14:05you? Is it still a somewhat awkward and
426. 14:07uncomfortable time? Or is it a precious
427. 14:09time you secretly look forward to? If
428. 14:11you have any stories about playing
429. 14:13alone, please share them in the
430. 14:14comments. Memories of the first time
431. 14:16you went to a movie alone are good, and
432. 14:17showing off your own unique routine is
433. 14:19great, too. I will continue to bring
434. 14:21relatable stories that make you say, "
435. 14:24Oh, this is exactly my story." Kind
436. 14:26Psychology always supports your strong
437. 14:29and healthy heart. I hope you spend
438. 14:31some quality time entirely with
439. 14:33yourself today. See you again in the
440. 14:34next video.