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Toxic Shame and the ADDICTION To SELF-IMPROVEMENT — Transcript

by Heidi Priebe · 5,357 words · 762 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00hey guys I'm Heidi PRI welcome back to
0:02my Channel or welcome if you're new here
0:05this month on this channel we are
0:06talking about self-esteem which is a
0:08topic that I'm very excited about and
0:11today in particular we're talking about
0:13the relationship between toxic shame and
0:16the addiction to selfimprovement
0:18now if you don't know what I mean when I
0:20say the term toxic shame I do have a
0:23video Linked In the description of this
0:24one that goes over what that term means
0:27and how you can recognize it showing up
0:29in your own life and your own psychology
0:32but for those of us who are all too
0:34familiar with this term we're going to
0:35dive into how struggling with toxic
0:38shame can lead us to get overly fixated
0:41on personal
0:42development now when we talk about
0:44personal development I'm essentially
0:47talking about any habit or routine or
0:50goals that we set and take on in an
0:53attempt to build up our ego and it's
0:56important to note here that ego building
0:59is a very nor Al part of life when I use
1:02the term ego what I mean is essentially
1:04the part of ourselves that is monitoring
1:06the relationship we have between our
1:09subjective inner world and how we fit in
1:12the objective outer world so our egos
1:15help us secure resources they help us
1:17think about things like hey what skills
1:19do I have and what job might I be able
1:21to get that allows me to exchange my
1:23skills for things like money so that I
1:26can develop more Security in the world
1:28or so that I can go pursue more
1:30opportunities and open more doors for
1:32myself so our egos are very important
1:34things and there's nothing wrong with
1:36being strategic and thoughtful about
1:38which skills we want to develop and what
1:40ways we want to work on ourselves so
1:42that we can have a more easeful exchange
1:44between our inner worlds and our outer
1:47world but like anything in life what is
1:50benign under the right circumstances can
1:53be absolutely addictive and destructive
1:56under the wrong ones so if we are
1:59pursuing self Improvement not because we
2:01want to bring more of our authentic self
2:04into the world but because we are
2:05wanting to distance ourselves from our
2:08authentic selves and put more of our
2:10fake selves into the world because we
2:13believe that that's the only version of
2:15our self that would be accepted by the
2:17world this is when we start to develop a
2:19toxic relationship with self-improvement
2:22because we are essentially trying to
2:24kill off our Essence and start living
2:27fulltime as a version of ourselves that
2:30leaves out a lot of who we are at our
2:32core we're going to talk about what that
2:35looks like as a video goes on but for
2:37now I also just want to hark back to
2:39John Bradshaw who wrote The Incredible
2:42Book healing the shame that binds you
2:44and the way that he kind of looks at
2:46addiction through the lens of toxic
2:47shame so he says that for the toxically
2:50shamed person anything that temporarily
2:54takes away the pain of being oneself can
2:57become an addiction so this this can be
3:00drugs and alcohol or it can be online
3:02shopping or it can be romantic Obsession
3:05or liance or it can be planning out
3:08goals habits routines and regulating
3:11with this idea of an idealized self that
3:15we don't have to be ashamed of if
3:18thinking about that is giving us
3:20reprieve from this underlying condition
3:23of toxic shame that we live with where
3:25we feel as though it's unbearable to be
3:28ourselves this can very easily become an
3:31addiction so we're going to go over five
3:34signs that this might be an addiction
3:36for you and then we're going to talk
3:37about how to develop a healthier
3:39relationship with self-improvement
3:41because again it's really wonderful to
3:43think about which skills you want to
3:45develop and which ways you want to show
3:47up in the world that are different from
3:48how you're showing up now but we want to
3:50make sure that when we're doing that
3:52we're taking ourselves with us we're not
3:55neglecting and leaving behind major
3:57parts of who we are I want to make clear
4:00that we can get addicted either to the
4:02actual actions so to going out and
4:04starting new routines or setting new
4:06goals and working really hard towards
4:08them or we can get addicted to just
4:11thinking about it so to sitting at home
4:14reading self-improvement blogs or
4:16watching videos on ways in which we
4:17would like to change and then
4:19disappearing into a fantasy world where
4:21we have already made all of those
4:23changes and finally we can be proud to
4:26be ourselves so either the literal
4:28actions or or fantasizing about the
4:31actions can become an addiction and if
4:33you find yourself more of the fantasy
4:35persuasion I do have a video on
4:37self-regulating through fantasizing
4:39about the future that I'll link in the
4:41description of this video and it's
4:42likely going to be a really nice
4:43compliment to this one now when I
4:46picture someone who has toxic shame
4:49thinking about their idealized self what
4:52instantly comes to mind is this kind of
4:54image of a person trapped at the bottom
4:56of a well and they're looking upwards at
4:59this idealized vision of themselves
5:02standing outside of the well in the
5:04sunlight and they're desperately trying
5:06to climb up out of the well to get to
5:08that person but the problem is they're
5:11so panicked about the fact that they're
5:12in the well that they're not really
5:14taking the time to understand their
5:16surroundings they're just kind of
5:18clamoring up the wall as quickly as they
5:20can and then continuously falling back
5:22down or they might actually make it out
5:25of the well a few times but then within
5:27a number of weeks months or years
5:29somehow find that they have fallen back
5:32in the well itself being a metaphor for
5:35our deep shame and the only way to get
5:37out of that well and to get to the place
5:40where you are standing in the sunlight
5:41with a sense of Pride and dignity is to
5:45accept that you first have to
5:47internalize that sense of dignity inside
5:49of the well it is the thing that will
5:52allow you to climb out and stay out
5:55because that sense of dignity and that
5:58sense that it is okay for me to be
6:00inside of this well it makes sense that
6:03I have fallen into it that kind of
6:05belief is the sort of belief that calms
6:08our nervous system enough to be able to
6:11start actually looking around the well
6:14getting to know it and understanding the
6:17most effective route out as well as how
6:20to avoid falling into it in the future
6:23so before we talk about how to do that
6:25we're going to quickly go over five
6:27signs that you might be using self
6:29Improvement as an addictive way to stay
6:32out of the present moment where you
6:33experience yourself in a toxically
6:35shamed way the first sign that you might
6:37have a toxic or unhealthy relationship
6:40to self-improvement is that you are very
6:42willing to root for the future version
6:45of you that you are trying to get to but
6:47you feel nothing but contempt and
6:50disgust when you think of the person you
6:52are now so you might feel really good
6:55when you're taking steps to change
6:57yourself or when you're imagining
6:58yourself taking steps to change yourself
7:01because you're imagining that you're
7:02doing that work in service of someone
7:05who you actually love which is your
7:07idealized self but you don't love the
7:10self who is doing the work and the self
7:13who is doing the work in the present
7:16moment is the only self that exists
7:19everything including our visions of the
7:21future and memories of the past are all
7:23happening right now you either love
7:26yourself in the moment or you don't love
7:28yourself the those are the only options
7:31so when we start talking about how to
7:33shift into a healthier relationship with
7:35self-improvement we're going to talk
7:37about how to show love and respect for
7:40the person who is doing the improving
7:43rather than only having respect for the
7:46idea of ourselves who is done improving
7:50sign too that you might have an
7:51unhealthy or toxic relationship with
7:54self-improvement is that you use
7:56self-improvement as an excuse to isolate
8:00and to hide yourself away from other
8:02people so there's this video that went
8:04viral I think sometime last year that
8:06was pushing this idea that if you're in
8:07a rough Place take six months disappear
8:10from your life and come back as a
8:11version of yourself who your friends and
8:13family won't even recognize and I
8:16remember thinking that is such a toxic
8:18relationship to
8:20self-improvement why would you want your
8:22friends and family to not recognize you
8:26those are the people who love you for
8:28who you are if you were to fundamentally
8:31change in a way where the people who
8:33love you for who you are no longer
8:36recognize you that would probably mean
8:38you'd made some pretty negative
8:40character changes but the kind of
8:42implicit message behind this video
8:44seemed to be people will love you more
8:47if you take a big break and come back as
8:49a more superficially impressive person
8:52and I think that for a lot of people
8:54with toxic shame this is truly and
8:56deeply a belief that they hold and I was
8:59no exception to this for the majority of
9:01my life when I lived with toxic shame
9:03anytime I started feeling an overwhelm
9:05of shame I would use self-improvement as
9:07an excuse to isolate from the world get
9:10really focused on some objective thing I
9:13wanted to improve like getting fitter or
9:16making more money or developing some new
9:18skill and I would kind of disengage from
9:20the rest of my life for long periods of
9:22time while I was making those
9:24improvements believing that I could only
9:27engage with other people and with the
9:28world if I were as close to perfect as
9:31possible and so when I started feeling
9:33an overwhelm of shame I would head into
9:36a period of reclusion and self-work
9:38believing that I would come back as an
9:40acceptable version of
9:42myself now not everyone is able to do
9:45this because maybe they have long-term
9:47commitments like full-time jobs that
9:49they can't simply Retreat from for six
9:51months so another version of this sign
9:54number three that you might have an
9:56unhealthy relationship to
9:57self-improvement is that you are using
9:59it to hide in plain sight so maybe
10:03you're not literally retreating for 6
10:05months and not answering your phone
10:06calls or showing up to work but maybe
10:09you are refusing to relate to other
10:11people as the person that you are and
10:13the only thing you're willing to talk
10:15about is the person you are becoming so
10:18when people ask you what's new with you
10:20or how you're feeling the answers you
10:22might give are chronically answers about
10:25plans you have for the future you're not
10:28staying present with people you're not
10:29talking about what's going on for you
10:31today or right now or this week you're
10:34almost frantically trying to get them to
10:37not notice there is a present you and to
10:40Instead try to kind of sell them on this
10:42future version of you that you believe
10:44is less shameful and you might get
10:47really angry triggered or disregulated
10:50if people say anything even in complete
10:53and total innocence that reminds you
10:56that who you are right now is not that
10:59future version of you and that there are
11:01literal tangible differences between the
11:03you in reality and the you in your
11:05future fantasies or the you that you are
11:07taking steps towards becoming so again
11:09this is a way of kind of hiding in plain
11:11sight we're trying to get the people
11:13around us to not notice who we actually
11:16are and obscure that with a vision of
11:18our future selves that we want them to
11:21treat us as though we already are
11:23because again that's the only version of
11:25oursel that we think deserves respect
11:28and fair treat
11:30now sign number four that you might have
11:32an unhealthy relationship to
11:33self-improvement which very naturally
11:35follows steps two and three is that you
11:37go through cycles of extreme work on
11:40yourself and then burnout or collapse
11:44and the reason this happens is because
11:46if we are self-improving in a way that
11:49is not bringing our whole self with us
11:52so let's say we decide we're going to
11:53get really fit or we're going to earn an
11:55extra $100,000 in the next year and we
11:57start gunning for these goals without
12:00giving ourselves any sense of relaxation
12:03or comfort and in fact Talking to
12:05Ourselves quite abusively if those needs
12:08come online so saying things to
12:10ourselves like oh come on you're so
12:12pathetic just stop whining and stay on
12:14track with your goals or when we become
12:16depressed or lifeless in pursuit of them
12:18telling ourselves that doesn't matter
12:20we'll be happy once we get there when we
12:23are compartmentalizing ourself like that
12:25and denying ourselves things like
12:27Comfort or rest or Joy because we think
12:30that people who need those things are
12:32pathetic and weak what we are doing is
12:36guaranteeing future burnout because
12:39human beings need all of those things
12:42and if we do not intentionally give
12:44ourselves those things for long enough
12:47our bodies will eventually Revolt to get
12:49those needs met in other ways we will
12:51become sick or depressed or angry or
12:55anxious beyond measure if we try to go
12:58on for long periods of time denying
13:01humongous parts of our emotional
13:03experience so again when we have a
13:05healthier relationship to
13:07self-improvement we are bringing our
13:09whole selves with us as we're doing the
13:11improving so we are attending to things
13:14like our need for rest and comfort and
13:17co-regulation while we're making our
13:19improvements which might mean that the
13:21improvements happen at a slightly slower
13:24Pace but this is akin to climbing up out
13:27of that well at a steady but slow pace
13:30instead of scaling 3/4s of it really
13:32quickly and then falling back down and
13:34having to start again and then falling
13:36back down right so it slows our progress
13:39but it means that we actually make
13:42progress and we're going to talk more
13:44about that very soon the fifth sign that
13:47you might have an unhealthy or toxic
13:49relationship to self-improvement is that
13:51one of the main things you are trying to
13:53do through self-improvement is stay in
13:55control of which feelings you are having
13:58when
13:59so I talked about this a little bit in
14:01the original video that I made about
14:02toxic shame but when we have toxic shame
14:05essentially we are terrified of
14:08experiencing spontaneous feelings
14:11because we believe that there are some
14:13feelings it is deeply shameful to have
14:15in the first place we can't possibly
14:17leave ourselves open to what is just the
14:19natural state of living which is
14:22experiencing a wide range of emotions in
14:24a somewhat unexpected way you can wake
14:27up one day and if you are authentic Ally
14:29engaged with your life and not blocked
14:31off to any particular feelings feel
14:34everything from Rage to lust to Joy
14:36within the course of a single day but if
14:40you are terrified of experiencing
14:42certain feelings what you might do is
14:44become incredibly rigid about your
14:47habits and your lifestyle and what you
14:49do and don't engage with in the world in
14:52order to guarantee that you're getting
14:55the hits of dopamine that you need to
14:56stay functional but only in ways that do
14:59not bring up shame so I'm only going to
15:02focus on hitting my goals and I'm not
15:04going to leave myself open to let's say
15:07Taking Chances on letting people and
15:09relationships impact me because those
15:12things are unpredictable so I'm only
15:14going to engage in relationships that
15:16feel very low risk and that I know are
15:19unlikely to bring up significant
15:21feelings of Shame so if we are
15:23self-improving and doing work on
15:25ourselves in a way that is actually
15:28making us less open to being impacted by
15:30the world around us we are engaging with
15:33self-improvement in a toxic way real
15:37wholehearted self-improvement where we
15:39bring our entire true selves into the
15:42goals that we set and the work that we
15:43do makes us more open to the world
15:46around us and the people who make it up
15:48and all of the spontaneous emotions that
15:51are consistently arising as a result of
15:53being open to the world as it actually
15:55is and as the people we actually are so
15:59so again healthy self-improvement often
16:01looks like making ourselves more
16:03resilient in the face of Shame so that
16:06we can stay more open to all areas of
16:08our life rather than trying to control
16:11the conditions of our life so that we
16:13don't experience shame this is the core
16:16difference between healthy and unhealthy
16:19self-improvement are we becoming more
16:21shame resilient so that we can actually
16:24tolerate shame or go take many more
16:26risks in the world and expose ourselves
16:28to deeper relationships and experiences
16:30of life or are we trying to narrow our
16:33world so that we are keeping shame out
16:37and now we're going to transition into
16:38briefly talking about how you can heal
16:41your relationship with self-improvement
16:43so that you're coming at it from a more
16:45holistic and effective place so my
16:47personal belief is that if you have
16:49toxic shame what you need to be focusing
16:52on is not self-esteem because for you
16:55self-esteem is likely to look more like
16:58a dis associative fantasy and what you
17:01need to focus on first and foremost is
17:04developing
17:06dignity dignity is the art of respecting
17:09all parts of ourselves even the parts of
17:11ourselves that we wish were different so
17:14refusing to kick ourselves off our own
17:16teams if there's something happening
17:18within us that we wish were not
17:20happening and instead being willing to
17:22stay present and on the page with
17:24ourselves the way a loving parent would
17:27stay on the page with their child who is
17:29struggling in some way when we have
17:31dignity it means we have the strength to
17:34face whatever pain is coming up for us
17:37in the present moment and stay on our
17:39own team when we are able to stay
17:43present with the things that feel very
17:45shameful in our lives what happens is
17:48we're able to focus on and attune to our
17:51lives as they exist right now which
17:54helps us find real solutions to what we
17:57are struggling with solutions that are
17:59not dissociative and unrealistic but
18:02ones that are actually going to help us
18:04gain some foothold to take steps out of
18:07the problems that we've found ourselves
18:09stuck in in life dignity is your inner
18:12parent saying to your inner child it's
18:15okay that you have ended up where you
18:17have ended up in life it makes sense
18:20based on what has happened to you that
18:22you've ended up here so let's look at
18:25where we're at together with compassion
18:28and let's figure out what we need to
18:30change as a team so that we can end up
18:33somewhere better where we feel less
18:36defended and more open to the world
18:38around us I am going to stay present
18:41with you and I'm going to help you get
18:44there I am not going to abuse you along
18:47the way so how do we start developing
18:50that sense of dignity the first thing we
18:53want to do is start using self-
18:55neutrality as a tool for showing respect
18:58to our shame bound parts so I do have a
19:00video on what self- neutrality is and
19:02how to practice it which I will link in
19:04the description of this one but
19:06essentially self neutrality is the
19:08willingness to just look at our lives
19:10including the parts that we're very
19:11ashamed of from a place of total
19:14Detachment and objectivity so instead of
19:17asking ourselves why am I in all this
19:18debt why can't I find a partner what's
19:20wrong with me why don't I have any
19:21friends we ask the same or similar
19:24questions in a totally different tone
19:27why am I in debt what happened to me in
19:30life that made managing money so
19:32difficult why don't I have a partner
19:34what skills around intimacy did I never
19:36learn why do I feel like there's
19:38something wrong with me where does that
19:40belief come from and am I 100% sure that
19:44it's true why do I isolate so much what
19:47purpose is that serving for me we start
19:50looking at all of these parts of
19:52ourselves that we might be really angry
19:54at ourselves for and actually ask those
19:57parts how are you trying trying to help
19:59me what do you think that your job is in
20:01my life and this is an area where
20:03something like internal family systems
20:05which is a therapeutic model that looks
20:07at the self as a series of Parts all of
20:10which are functioning to serve you but
20:13which might get into conflict with each
20:14other can be really helpful so a book
20:17that I heavily recommend on this is
20:19called no bad parts by Richard Schwarz
20:22and it's all about learning to
20:23appreciate even the parts of ourselves
20:25that we feel really mad at understanding
20:28how they're trying their best to serve
20:30us and then figuring out how we can work
20:33more effectively and get all of these
20:35parts communicating with each other
20:36better so that we get those same needs
20:39met in ways that lead to or cause less
20:41negative side effects but this step of
20:44developing dignity is essentially just
20:46learning to respect the parts of
20:48ourselves that we are used to abusing
20:50and becoming willing to see them in a
20:52different light when we have respect for
20:55all parts of ourselves we don't have to
20:58frequently dissociate from ourselves
21:00because we don't have that belief that
21:02there are very bad corrupt shameful
21:04parts of ourselves we understand that
21:07there are just wires getting crossed
21:09internally and that it's possible if
21:11we're willing to stay Associated to
21:13ourselves to uncross those wires and
21:16develop a new system which leads us to
21:18step two if we're able to stay more
21:21Associated to our lives what we're also
21:23going to be able to do is reality check
21:26our shame beliefs and when necess NE
21:29adjust our shame environments so what
21:32does this mean there is a psychologist
21:34named Dr Marsha linan who has this
21:37concept of checking to see whether our
21:39shame fits the facts of a given
21:41situation so in her kind of
21:43conceptualization of Shame Shame is the
21:46feeling that lets us know we are going
21:48to get rejected by other people if we
21:51continue to behave in this certain way
21:53and she recommends that when you feel
21:55shame you might want to check in with
21:57yourself and go am I actually going to
22:00get rejected from this environment if I
22:02behave in that way or if I say that
22:04thing or is this something that I
22:07developed a shame belief around because
22:09at the time that I formed this belief
22:11this thing would have gotten me rejected
22:13but maybe here it doesn't apply and the
22:17cool thing is that we also have the
22:19opportunity to start becoming self-aware
22:22about which environments we're placing
22:23ourselves in maybe we have self-
22:26selected environments that have the same
22:28rules about what gets us rejected that
22:31our early caregiving environments did
22:33but we have the option to start
22:35selecting new communities new workplaces
22:38new types of Partners who will not
22:41reject us for the parts of ourselves
22:42that would like to exist more fully in
22:44the world so if I'm an artist at heart
22:46and I've chosen a career in finance
22:48because my creativity is shame bound the
22:51more self-aware I become the more I can
22:53start looking at how have I created a
22:55life for myself unconsciously where my
22:58creativity and this part that makes me
23:00feel really alive is something that
23:02isn't really accepted or encouraged
23:04inside of my life as it stands and what
23:07environments might I want to go start
23:09engaging with where creativity is
23:11actually really celebrated and helps me
23:13get ahead and the more I put myself in
23:16those environments the more I realize
23:18that keeping my creative impulses shame
23:20bound is actually holding me back and it
23:23actually serves me to give the world
23:25more and more of what I'm naturally
23:26excited about so this is the type of
23:29self-improvement that allows us to bring
23:31more of our authentic selves into the
23:33world rather than less and this is a
23:36long process it might be that the first
23:39time we go put ourselves in a room full
23:40of creatives we have a lot of contempt
23:43and disgust come up and anger how dare
23:45they be expressing themselves creatively
23:48and this might be something we have to
23:49work through by doing Shadow work on
23:51ourselves or we might have to refine and
23:54get really clear on what type of
23:56creativity do I feel proud of and want
23:59to express myself through maybe the way
24:01that these people are expressing
24:03themselves just doesn't work for me but
24:05I can keep exploring different
24:07environments until I find one that I
24:09feel really excited to be a part of so
24:12this is an exploration of the ways in
24:14which we could develop our ego to
24:16reflect more of our authentic selves and
24:19to grow in a direction where we are
24:21bringing more of our authenticity into
24:23the world through exploring different
24:25Avenues or contexts for self-development
24:28third thing we want to be watching for
24:30as we're developing our sense of dignity
24:32as we get more present and Associated to
24:34our lives as they are in the present
24:37what we also start to notice is ways in
24:39which our beliefs become self-fulfilling
24:41prophecies and we're going to talk a lot
24:43more about this particularly around
24:45perfectionism as this month goes on but
24:48for example I might have this belief
24:50that I'm just an unattractive person and
24:53nobody would ever want to get close to
24:55me because of that and then what I might
24:57do is go out and just try to act in a
24:59way that is totally inauthentic to me
25:02and that might come across as really in
25:04congruent to other people and they might
25:06just get kind of weird vibes from me and
25:08weird energy and so they're not going to
25:10feel attracted to me because I'm an
25:11uncomfortable person to be around
25:14energetically and that's just going to
25:15reinforce my belief I knew it I have to
25:18double down on being my fake self
25:20because everybody seems uncomfortable
25:21and repelled by me when in reality the
25:25reason I might be repelling people is
25:27because I am hiding so much of myself
25:30and people can sense that and it makes
25:32them uncomfortable and if I were just to
25:34relax and learn to be more comfortable
25:37with myself and who I authentically am
25:41people might feel a lot more comfortable
25:43in my presence which might lead to much
25:46deeper connections romantically
25:48platonically on every level but in order
25:51to really notice how people are
25:53responding to us and why we have to be
25:56not afraid of the present moment because
25:58all of the feedback we get from other
26:00people especially all of the nuanced
26:02feedback happens in the present moment
26:05so again the more we've gotten
26:07comfortable and learned to respect
26:08ourselves the more we're going to be
26:10able to stay attuned to other people in
26:13the world around us in the present which
26:15gives us extremely valuable information
26:19about what changes we might actually
26:21need to make in order to get more of
26:23what we authentically want out of life
26:25and less of what we don't as well as how
26:28we can stop accidentally bringing more
26:31shame into our world by acting
26:33inauthentically in ways that leads to
26:35rejection and essentially where this all
26:37leads us to at the end of the day is
26:39that associating to our present selves
26:42and having dignity for who we are in the
26:45present allows us to find holistic rotes
26:48to
26:49self-improvement so as we're figuring
26:51out who we are and which environments
26:53we're going to be able to exist the most
26:55authentically within and actually
26:57celebrate and build upon on the parts of
26:58ourselves that maybe we've spent our
27:00entire lives hiding we're also going to
27:02learn how to treat ourselves well in the
27:05process of developing new skills which
27:07again means we make consistent progress
27:10towards them because we aren't berating
27:13ourselves and judging ourselves and
27:15tossing ourselves off of our own team
27:17the second we make a mistake we're using
27:19all the skills we built in that self-
27:21neutrality process to ask ourselves
27:24questions like oh if I made a mistake or
27:27if I'm feeling really overwhelmed right
27:29now why might that be what might I be
27:31needing that I'm not getting right now
27:34and how can I potentially pause give
27:37myself that thing and then keep going
27:39once I feel more energized we're going
27:41to forgive ourselves more easily for
27:43making mistakes because we're going to
27:45understand the context of why we made
27:47that mistake and how we can potentially
27:49avoid it in the future or simply accept
27:52that we can't get things right 100% of
27:54the time and that's an unrealistic
27:56expectation to hold ourselves to
27:58so now instead of going into a shame
28:00spiral and getting horribly off track
28:02with our goals we can just keep going at
28:05the end of the day the first step
28:07towards healing from toxic shame means
28:10dropping the Redemption fantasy of some
28:12future where the person you are right
28:14now with all of the feelings that the
28:15person you are right now has does not
28:17exist and you are some idealized version
28:20of yourself and instead understanding
28:22that what true healing looks like is
28:25being the version of yourself you
28:27currently hate without hating them okay
28:31so the thing you want to change first is
28:33not your external environment and your
28:36external conditions it's the part of
28:38yourself that hates you for being in
28:40those conditions when we learn to
28:43respect ourselves and have dignity for
28:45ourselves at the bottom of the well it
28:47gives us the strength to start climbing
28:51out of it and eventually we can build a
28:54life that exists in the sunlight not
28:56because we have traded ourselves in for
28:59this fantasy version of ourselves at the
29:00top of the well but because we have
29:02brought the person we were at the bottom
29:05of the well out into the sunlight and
29:08let them know it's okay to live there
29:11it's okay to be me in the world there's
29:14nothing fundamentally broken bad or
29:17wrong with me I can come back from
29:19mistakes I can treat myself with dignity
29:22and I can treat other people with
29:24dignity and respect and this person the
29:27one who was at the bottom of the well is
29:29also allowed to live a long happy life
29:32outside of it all right that's all I
29:35have to say for today on this topic as
29:38always let me know in the comments what
29:40you guys are thinking feeling any
29:42questions that you have as you go
29:43through this video and if there are any
29:46particular topics you would love to see
29:47covered during self-esteem month please
29:49let me know and I will see what I can do
29:52as always I love you guys I hope you're
29:54taking care of yourselves and each other
29:57and I will see you back here again
29:59really
30:01[Music]
30:04soon

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