This is What a Man Going His Own Way Looks Like | Full Break Down — Transcript

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1. 0:00It was basically a woman I'd been seeing
2. 0:03I'd stopped seeing casually late one
3. 0:05night. Uh got on Instagram and kind of
4. 0:08fired off some some posts and it was
5. 0:10like at my boy Bonesy. I'm about to tear
6. 0:13you in.
7. 0:16>> Welcome to Manus Highlights Daily where
8. 0:18we call out effanist foolishness,
9. 0:20[music] expose women's hypocrisy,
10. 0:22dismantle double standards, and stand up
11. 0:24for men. When it comes to men opting
12. 0:26out, there are logical reasons behind
13. 0:28it. And when you hear these reasons, you
14. 0:31have to ask yourself the question, where
15. 0:33does the misogynist label come from in
16. 0:35this dynamic? Today, we're going to
17. 0:37listen to a story from Bones that led to
18. 0:39him opting out. And we've got a special
19. 0:41character unlocked to help us strengthen
20. 0:43our point about women being women first.
21. 0:46>> I absolutely love sex. I'm sorry. I I
22. 0:48just love sex. I I It's something that's
23. 0:53I I
24. 0:55>> Yes, my mic was on again. So if you hear
25. 0:57laughing in the background, you know
26. 0:59where it's coming from. Let's go.
27. 1:06>> Bones, you're currently single. Do you
28. 1:08feel a sense of anxiety around sex and
29. 1:10dating?
30. 1:11>> Probably not so much around serious
31. 1:14dating. I'm, [music]
32. 1:15you know, 37. I've got a child. I'm
33. 1:19really happy with my life. I've also got
34. 1:21time to go out with my mates still like
35. 1:23when I don't have my child. But I've
36. 1:25definitely seen in the last 20 years
37. 1:28just the landscape change a lot and I
38. 1:30think there's a [music] lot of more
39. 1:32awareness and awareness of the risks
40. 1:35both to physical risks and uh
41. 1:37reputational risks and yeah
42. 1:40>> how does that landscape changing affect
43. 1:42your interaction with women
44. 1:44>> for me I make it more like when I'm
45. 1:46going out with my friends my friends are
46. 1:47my focus [music] it's great to make new
47. 1:50connections with people just in a
48. 1:53friendly way as well definitely be a
49. 1:54moment I I think like [music]
50. 1:56reputational side is certainly a very
51. 1:59new thing with social media. I think
52. 2:01we've all seen like people get drunk on
53. 2:04the power of social media platforms,
54. 2:06especially when drinking, sound off on
55. 2:08their exes. It's great theater if you're
56. 2:11not involved in it yourself. It's good
57. 2:13[music] gossip. It gets people going. I
58. 2:15I did have a little taste of it. Not
59. 2:17like a a proper dip, but like I did
60. 2:20[music] feel what Yeah. those people
61. 2:22felt. Do you mind sharing what that
62. 2:24experience was?
63. 2:25>> Yes. So, it it wasn't anything too
64. 2:27nefarious, but [music] it was basically
65. 2:30a woman I'd been seeing I'd stopped
66. 2:33seeing casually late one night uh got on
67. 2:36Instagram and kind of fired off some
68. 2:38some posts and it was like at my boy
69. 2:40Bonesy, [music] I'm about to tear you a
70. 2:42new And it's like he used my
71. 2:46name in a story. It certainly it was it
72. 2:50was kind of shocking to read. It was it
73. 2:51was threatening. [music] I spoke to her
74. 2:55like once I saw it was up. I kind of
75. 2:56woke [music] up and it was there and I
76. 2:59explained how I thought this was a
77. 3:00misunderstanding. She took the post
78. 3:03down. Um she said it had been resolved
79. 3:05and she put up a photo of like a rainbow
80. 3:06and said, "I'm all about positivity
81. 3:08now." But yeah, it definitely kind of
82. 3:10dipped my toes in that [music] feeling
83. 3:12that I see a lot of people have gone
84. 3:14through, which is someone's writing
85. 3:16something about me on the internet and I
86. 3:18have no control of it and it's something
87. 3:20I don't believe is true at all. And
88. 3:23yeah, you just they're able to kind of
89. 3:25post with impunity because you don't
90. 3:26have a team of lawyers behind you to
91. 3:28tell them to take it down. And it's
92. 3:29like, yes, say it again.
93. 3:32>> What can you do? And yeah, you really
94. 3:33feel that sense of panic.
95. 3:35>> What can you do? It always starts with a
96. 3:38question triggered by a cause. This
97. 3:40woman decided to throw a tantrum on the
98. 3:42internet for the world to see. Why? And
99. 3:44I feel like I'm feeling like I just feel
100. 3:46like and I feel like I feel like
101. 3:49>> because I feel like I feel like I I feel
102. 3:51like
103. 3:52>> well I just feel like
104. 3:53>> and I feel like I'm feeling like
105. 3:54>> I feel now that's what I just feel right
106. 3:57now.
107. 3:57>> Sometimes I feel like 100%. Sometimes I
108. 4:00feel like 50%. Right now it's 75.
109. 4:02>> She went by feel and felt like
110. 4:05destroying this man on the internet in
111. 4:07that particular moment. [music] And when
112. 4:09she got validation for it, she had no
113. 4:11problem taking it down and rejoining the
114. 4:14positivity movement without ever
115. 4:16reckoning with the damage she'd already
116. 4:17done. So, what are you going to do now,
117. 4:19Mr. Bones?
118. 4:21>> You're a writer with a profile. Were you
119. 4:23worried about your reputation being
120. 4:25damaged?
121. 4:26>> It definitely makes me more hesitant and
122. 4:29makes me reconsider who I want to hang
123. 4:30out with just based on that. But also, I
124. 4:34think a lot of us are thinking about
125. 4:35this just generally, like we've all got
126. 4:37public profiles now. Yeah. I think we're
127. 4:39all reconsidering like safety concerns
128. 4:42about who we hang out with. Yeah.
129. 4:45>> Would it be fair to say then it's
130. 4:46changed the way you approach dating and
131. 4:48sex?
132. 4:49>> Yeah. Yeah. I think definitely.
133. 4:51>> You tell me. Is this man a misogynist
134. 4:54now? Is it misogynist for a man choosing
135. 4:56to protect himself and his reputation?
136. 4:58Does this man look lost or confused for
137. 5:01avoiding situations like this? [music]
138. 5:03Are we misogynists for sharing his story
139. 5:05with the manosphere to spread awareness
140. 5:07among men to be cautious of situations
141. 5:10like this? Let's be very clear. We do
142. 5:12not hate women, but we are critical of
143. 5:14behavior we see in men and women both
144. 5:17when it damages people who did nothing
145. 5:19to deserve it.
146. 5:20>> Daniel, you're a clinical psychologist
147. 5:22specializing in sexual well-being.
148. 5:24[music] And what about men? I think that
149. 5:27for men in some way they also want to
150. 5:30promote the idea of autonomy. They don't
151. 5:32want to necessarily be the creep right
152. 5:33the person who is pressuring but that
153. 5:36[music] then links to feeling maybe more
154. 5:38anxious and in that anxiety that may
155. 5:40make it difficult to know how do I
156. 5:42actually negotiate this. The rules and
157. 5:44the norms regarding sexuality and
158. 5:46relationships more broadly are changing
159. 5:48quite rapidly if I'm not going to be
160. 5:50perhaps the the macho dominant perhaps
161. 5:52aggressive man. Who am I now? And and
162. 5:55where are the rules to be able to do
163. 5:56this in a meaningful way?
164. 5:57>> This is one of our biggest critiques of
165. 5:59modern dating, especially in the years
166. 6:01after me, too. The old rules got torn
167. 6:03up, but nobody replaced them with
168. 6:05anything clear. And into that vacuum
169. 6:08walked a lot of confused, anxious men
170. 6:10trying to figure out what's actually
171. 6:12expected of them.
172. 6:13>> Natalie, can women send mixed signals
173. 6:16when it comes to sex?
174. 6:17>> Most definitely.
175. 6:19We are so confused.
176. 6:21We don't understand sometimes, and I say
177. 6:24we, I'll talk for myself, but sometimes
178. 6:27we're so not in contact with who we are
179. 6:30that we will send out some kind of
180. 6:32message that's completely confused to a
181. 6:35man when we don't even know what we
182. 6:37actually want. We don't we don't even
183. 6:39have an intention behind what we're
184. 6:42sending to that guy. So, that's very
185. 6:46confusing, I believe, for a man. Could
186. 6:49that be seen as a sense of entitlement
187. 6:53>> from women?
188. 6:54>> Oh, definitely. For me, yeah, we are
189. 6:57very entitled women. We're entitled to
190. 6:59change our mind all the time. We're
191. 7:01entitled to not know what we're doing.
192. 7:03We're entitled to all kind of things in
193. 7:05our mind. And when we sit down with
194. 7:08ourselves and we start looking at all
195. 7:10that and taking responsibility, then we
196. 7:13start realizing that there's some stuff
197. 7:15that we need to clear up. I think
198. 7:17there's a prevailing myth out there that
199. 7:18men should know what to do, when to do
200. 7:20it, and how to do it. And it causes a
201. 7:22lot of anxiety for men.
202. 7:24>> Listen to that answer closely,
203. 7:25gentlemen. She's not being defensive
204. 7:27about it. She's naming it herself.
205. 7:29Women, in her words, are entitled to
206. 7:32change their mind, entitled to not know
207. 7:34what they're doing, entitled to send
208. 7:36signals they don't fully understand
209. 7:38themselves. That's an honest admission.
210. 7:40It's also exactly the situation men are
211. 7:43told to navigate flawlessly. read the
212. 7:46mood correctly every time with someone
213. 7:48who's telling you upfront that even she
214. 7:50doesn't always know what her own signals
215. 7:52mean? The foolishness.
216. 7:54>> So, is having sex when you're not in the
217. 7:57mood the same as having sex without
218. 8:00consent?
219. 8:01>> It is different for me.
220. 8:03>> I absolutely love sex. I'm sorry. I I
221. 8:06just love sex. I I
222. 8:09It's something that's I I I just love
223. 8:12it. When I'm not in the mood, that
224. 8:14doesn't mean I don't love it. And there
225. 8:16is a part of me that I'm not saying
226. 8:18enjoying it, but that is okay with that.
227. 8:22>> Have you ever pushed to have sex when
228. 8:24the other person wasn't in the mood?
229. 8:26>> Yes, I did. [laughter]
230. 8:29>> Yes, I did. And and that's part of me
231. 8:32taking my responsibility about sex. Um I
232. 8:36have pushed myself on men when they
233. 8:38didn't want to. And uh that pretty much
234. 8:42when looking back now it's like wow.
235. 8:44Okay. Um that that was that that's not
236. 8:48on.
237. 8:49>> This is pure gold. Gentlemen, I want to
238. 8:52slow down here because this is the part
239. 8:54of the interview that deserves to be
240. 8:56taken seriously, not turned into a
241. 8:58punchline. What Natalie just described
242. 9:00pushing sex on someone who wasn't in the
243. 9:02mood is, by her own words,
244. 9:05non-consensual. She says it herself. Um,
245. 9:08I have pushed myself on men when they
246. 9:10didn't want to.
247. 9:11>> To her credit, she owns it as something
248. 9:13she's had to sit with. Here's the point
249. 9:15worth making, and it's not a joke. If a
250. 9:17man had said the exact same sentence on
251. 9:20camera, yes, I've pushed myself on a
252. 9:22partner who didn't want it, that clip
253. 9:24would not be a laugh line in a podcast.
254. 9:27It would be the headline. It would
255. 9:28follow him for the rest of his career.
256. 9:30There would be no room for that's part
257. 9:32of me taking responsibility. There would
258. 9:34just be consequences. So, this is
259. 9:36literally how the video starts.
260. 9:38>> Warning, this video is an attempt at a
261. 9:40good faith nuance look at the fictional
262. 9:41movie Obsession and the characters
263. 9:43therein, which will probably upset some
264. 9:44of you for some reason.
265. 9:46>> Immediately, I'm pissed. You know that
266. 9:47saying, it's not what you say, it's how
267. 9:49you say it. Well, in this case, it's
268. 9:50what he says and how he says it. Like,
269. 9:52tone will continue to be a problem.
270. 9:54>> I'm sorry if.
271. 9:55>> Immediately, no. Immediately, no. Wrap
272. 9:57it up. We cannot be starting this
273. 9:58apology with an I'm sorry if
274. 10:00>> I'm I do respect women. I do not think
275. 10:03women deserve to be raped. Uh,
276. 10:05apparently I needed to say this very
277. 10:07clearly. So that is my thoughts on the
278. 10:10topic.
279. 10:10>> You probably should have not looked at
280. 10:13the notes app in order to say those
281. 10:15things.
282. 10:16>> The foolishness. That's the actual
283. 10:18double standard, gentlemen. Not who's
284. 10:20allowed to want sex, who's allowed to
285. 10:22admit doing something wrong and still
286. 10:24walk away with the room laughing along
287. 10:26with her.
288. 10:27>> Yes, I did. [laughter]
289. 10:29Amal, has relying on body language to
290. 10:32determine your next move ever backfired?
291. 10:36>> Yeah. Yeah. There was this this one
292. 10:37particular incident. Um, there was this
293. 10:39girl. We know each other for quite some
294. 10:41time. She knows that I'm interested in
295. 10:43her. So I've already communicated my
296. 10:44interest in her [music]
297. 10:46previously and there was this one fine
298. 10:48day where we were just having a
299. 10:51conversation and she was dressing up to
300. 10:53go out and the whole conversation
301. 10:55started by she saying hey can you check
302. 10:58if my dress is okay and she went and
303. 11:00changed and she she was trying many
304. 11:01different dresses and then we sorted
305. 11:03that out and then she said my hair is
306. 11:06not okay and I'm going to do my hair. So
307. 11:08[music] we sat down next to each other
308. 11:11with her doing her hair and me having a
309. 11:12conversation and flushes signs. I can
310. 11:16see signs on her face. Um and then she
311. 11:19was doing her hair. Her hair hair got
312. 11:20tangled. So she was like, "Can you help
313. 11:22me?" So all of these are signs for me
314. 11:24that like [music] the girl wants me to
315. 11:26do something. Um so I helped her out. Um
316. 11:28I touched her hair obviously because she
317. 11:30she said that and then she felt my hands
318. 11:33are hurting with too much hair tying. So
319. 11:36I gave her a small massage and she was
320. 11:38like, "Wow, this is so good. You've got
321. 11:40good hands." So every time you get a
322. 11:41compliment [music] from the other
323. 11:43person, you feel like it's a positive
324. 11:45response. And she gave all these signs.
325. 11:47We had like arms around each other. I
326. 11:49had my arms around her shoulders and she
327. 11:51was like, "We look really cute
328. 11:53together." A month later, there was
329. 11:55another different conversation happening
330. 11:56in the house where she jumped in and she
331. 11:58was like, "Yeah, he touched me um
332. 12:01inappropriately and um I wasn't
333. 12:03uncomfortable with it." Um,
334. 12:06>> this is the flip side of the same coin,
335. 12:08gentlemen. Amal isn't a villain in this
336. 12:10story, and he's not a hero either. He's
337. 12:13a case study. He read compliments,
338. 12:15closeness, and body language as green
339. 12:17lights. That's precisely the standard
340. 12:20modern dating keeps handing men. Don't
341. 12:22ask, just know. Read the room. Feel the
342. 12:25energy. And here's what nobody tells you
343. 12:27when they hand you that standard. You
344. 12:29can read every signal available to you,
345. 12:32act in good faith, and still end up
346. 12:34blamed for it a month later in a
347. 12:37conversation you're not even part of
348. 12:39with zero warning that anything was
349. 12:41wrong in the moment. That is not a fair
350. 12:43test to give anyone. Not because women
351. 12:45are lying when they raise these things.
352. 12:48Sometimes they're right to, but because
353. 12:50you should have just known is not a
354. 12:52rule. It's a standard that can only ever
355. 12:54be applied after the fact, which means
356. 12:57no man can ever actually pass it in real
357. 13:00time. He can only find out later whether
358. 13:02he passed.
359. 13:03>> Sarah, you've experienced sexual
360. 13:06violence. How do you feel about body
361. 13:09language when it comes to [music]
362. 13:10consent?
363. 13:12>> Verbal consent is is key the the less
364. 13:15you know a person. I understand that a
365. 13:18lot of people think that maybe that
366. 13:20ruins [music] the mood, but for me and
367. 13:21the people close to me, I think asking
368. 13:23for consent can be really sexy, even if
369. 13:25it's just for the fact that it shows
370. 13:27that someone's educated. Um, which I
371. 13:29find stimulating. And if we need to
372. 13:33overcorrect and make sure everything's
373. 13:35verbal
374. 13:37all the time to get to a point where we
375. 13:40fix this empathy deficit when it when it
376. 13:42comes to reading other people's body
377. 13:44language, then that's what [music] we
378. 13:45have to do whether it's um unsexy or
379. 13:48not.
380. 13:48>> Hold on, gentlemen. Compare that to what
381. 13:51we just heard from Natalie and Amal.
382. 13:53Amal read compliments closeness and body
383. 13:57language and still ended up blamed a
384. 14:00month later. Sarah is telling you on
385. 14:03camera that body language was never good
386. 14:05enough in the first place. Her standard
387. 14:08is verbal every time. No exceptions. No
388. 14:11matter how well you think you're reading
389. 14:13the room. So which is it, gentlemen? Do
390. 14:15you read the signs like a mile try to or
391. 14:17do you ask out loud like Sarah says you
392. 14:20must? These are not the same rule. And
393. 14:22if the room itself can't agree on the
394. 14:24standard, what exactly is a man supposed
395. 14:26to walk in already knowing?
396. 14:28>> Do you ask your partner for consent too?
397. 14:31>> Absolutely.
398. 14:33Goes both ways.
399. 14:34>> Absolutely.
400. 14:35>> To her credit, Sarah applies the
401. 14:37standard to herself, too. That's
402. 14:39consistent and it's fair. But
403. 14:41consistency from one woman doesn't fix
404. 14:43the problem because the man walking into
405. 14:45a date has no idea which woman he's
406. 14:47about to meet. The one who finds a
407. 14:49verbal check-in sexy and educated or the
408. 14:52one who will never even bring it up and
409. 14:54years later at 71 describe going 5 years
410. 14:57without touch because nobody ever said a
411. 15:00word out loud.
412. 15:01>> How long had it been since you'd been
413. 15:02sexually intimate?
414. 15:04>> About 5 years. I stopped on the dating
415. 15:07apps when I was 65. I guess dying of
416. 15:09boredom really.
417. 15:10>> That's the trap, gentlemen. Not that
418. 15:12women disagree. People are allowed to
419. 15:14disagree. The trap is that men [music]
420. 15:17are expected to already know which
421. 15:19standard applies to which woman before
422. 15:21the conversation even starts. Guess her
423. 15:23preference correctly or you're either
424. 15:25creepy for asking too much or aggressive
425. 15:29for not asking at all.
426. 15:30>> And my initial reaction was really
427. 15:34feeling [music] angry because um you
428. 15:37were interested in the moment and then
429. 15:40again [music]
430. 15:41you know me really well. You we talk
431. 15:43pretty often. We have we have talked a
432. 15:45lot between those [music]
433. 15:47um within the month as well. So you
434. 15:48never brought this up before um [music]
435. 15:51and when there's something else going on
436. 15:54and you want to bring that in. So I
437. 15:56wasn't feeling really happy about it,
438. 15:58but that's one instance where I feel
439. 16:01like it's backfired. [music]
440. 16:02>> Would talking about sex and asking for
441. 16:05consent have been helpful in that
442. 16:07situation?
443. 16:08>> I've thought long and hard about it. I'm
444. 16:10not 100% sure but I personally feel
445. 16:13women are so privileged in this space
446. 16:15where they can just point [music] the
447. 16:16finger at someone and it's the men who
448. 16:19has to prove their innocence to other
449. 16:21people. So say that again for the people
450. 16:24in the back. The burden of proof in the
451. 16:26court of public opinion sits almost
452. 16:29entirely on the man. A woman raises a
453. 16:32concern and the man's job instantly
454. 16:35publicly is to prove a negative. Prove
455. 16:37he didn't. Prove his [music] intentions.
456. 16:39prove his character. Meanwhile, the
457. 16:42accusation itself requires no proof at
458. 16:44all to do its damage. That asymmetry is
459. 16:46why men are opting out, gentlemen. Not
460. 16:48because they're scared of women, because
461. 16:51the rules keep changing. Nobody will
462. 16:53write them down. And the penalty for
463. 16:56getting it wrong, even innocently, even
464. 16:58in good faith, is total.
465. 17:01>> And you just got back from New York.
466. 17:03>> Yeah, I was in the Hamptons.
467. 17:04>> Oh my god. Wonderful.
468. 17:05>> I was like, get me out of here. Out of
469. 17:07Australia. See you later. Goodbye. All
470. 17:08I'm going to say is American men are
471. 17:10just as weak as the Australian men. Just
472. 17:12putting it out there. They don't
473. 17:13approach you there either. [laughter] I
474. 17:15give up.
475. 17:16>> That's so interesting cuz everyone
476. 17:17always says that American men are way
477. 17:19more forward.
478. 17:20>> Maybe from Texas, the South, but not in
479. 17:22New York. I can assure you they're just
480. 17:25not masculine.
481. 17:26>> Everyone's scared. Everyone's like, "Am
482. 17:29I going to have to approach someone?"
483. 17:30No, thank you. Not happening. [laughter]
484. 17:33>> Sorry.
485. 17:34>> Fair enough.
486. 17:35>> And there it is again, gentlemen. The
487. 17:37same women [music] who won't hand men a
488. 17:39blueprint are the same women complaining
489. 17:42that men have [music] stopped trying.
490. 17:44You cannot build a system where every
491. 17:46approach is a legal and reputational
492. 17:48risk. Refuse to clarify the rules and
493. 17:51then act [music] shocked when men
494. 17:52calculate the odds and walk away from
495. 17:54the table entirely.
496. 18:01Bones didn't opt out because he hates
497. 18:04women. He opted out because he did the
498. 18:06math. One misread signal, one bad night,
499. 18:10one screenshot posted at 2:00 a.m. and
500. 18:13years of reputation gone with no court,
501. 18:16no appeal, and no way back. Natalie can
502. 18:19tell you on camera, laughing that she's
503. 18:22pushed [music] herself on a man who
504. 18:24wasn't in the mood and the moment passes
505. 18:26without consequence. Amal can read every
506. 18:30cue in the room correctly by every
507. 18:32conventional standard and still end up
508. 18:34the villain in someone else's story a
509. 18:37month later. That's not equality,
510. 18:38[music]
511. 18:39gentlemen. That's a system where the
512. 18:41standard for men is perfection [music]
513. 18:43under ambiguity. And the standard for
514. 18:45everyone else is good intentions after
515. 18:48the fact. We're not saying don't hold
516. 18:50men accountable. We're saying hold
517. 18:53everyone to the same rule. Write it
518. 18:55down. Make it clear. apply it the same
519. 18:58way to the same behavior regardless of
520. 19:01who's doing it. Until that happens,
521. 19:03don't be surprised when men keep quietly
522. 19:06leaving the table.
523. 19:10[music]
524. 19:15[music]
525. 19:20[music]
526. 19:22Listen
527. 19:27to all follow none.
528. 19:29>> Instead of treatment,
529. 19:32[music]
530. 19:39we working. Protect yourself at all
531. 19:40times. This video has officially been
532. 19:43highlighted.
533. 19:48>> [music]