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Things I Did In My 20s To Become Secure In My Relationships — Transcript

by Andriana Nik · 8,327 words · 1,244 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00For most of my early 20s, I thought that
0:02becoming [music] secure meant eventually
0:04becoming the kind of woman who didn't
0:07[music] overthink, becoming someone who
0:09didn't need reassurance, who didn't care
0:11so much, [music] who could experience
0:13uncertainty without being consumed by
0:17it. But the older I got, the more I
0:19realized that [music] I had
0:20misunderstood the entire thing.
0:23Security, I realized, wasn't [music]
0:24about becoming less sensitive. It wasn't
0:27about caring less, needing less, or
0:30somehow becoming immune [music] to being
0:32hurt. It was about becoming someone that
0:35I could rely on, someone who could stay
0:38in herself when things were uncertain,
0:41someone whose sense of being [music]
0:42okay didn't disappear every time that
0:45life stopped going according to her
0:47plan. And strangely enough, the things
0:50that changed me the most [music] weren't
0:52the most dramatic and big things. They
0:55were the small shifts in [music] the way
0:56that I saw myself, the way that I
0:59interpreted fear, the way that I loved
1:01people, [music] and eventually the way
1:03that I understood what it meant to
1:05belong to myself. Because I think there
1:08is a huge [music] difference between
1:10feeling secure when everything in your
1:12life is going well and actually becoming
1:15a secure person. When your relationship
1:18is going well, when you feel wanted,
1:20[music] when your career is progressing,
1:22you feel capable. When you like the way
1:25you look, [music] you feel confident.
1:27When your life resembles the life that
1:29you imagined for yourself, you feel like
1:32you're doing something right. But what
1:34happens [music] when those things
1:36change? What happens when someone you
1:38love becomes [music] distant? When you
1:40experience rejection? When someone your
1:43age reaches a milestone that you have
1:45been dreaming about? What happens when
1:47the life that you thought that you will
1:49have starts [music] looking completely
1:51different? Do you then still feel okay
1:53with yourself, or does your entire sense
1:56of who you are begin [music] to change
1:59with whatever is happening around you?
2:01And I think that question was one of
2:03[music] the things that eventually
2:05changed my understanding of security,
2:08changed my whole understanding of what
2:11security meant. Because I realized that
2:14I didn't want to be someone who only
2:16felt good about herself when life was
2:19giving her reasons to. I wanted to
2:21become someone who could experience the
2:23full range of a life without constantly
2:25questioning her own worth. And that
2:28required me to change much more than the
2:31way I just approached my relationships.
2:33It required me to change the way that I
2:36experience myself. So, today I want to
2:39talk about seven shifts that changed the
2:42way I understood security and more
2:45importantly helped me become more secure
2:47in myself and my relationships. And it
2:50wasn't because I've reached some point
2:53where I never experienced doubt or I
2:55didn't experience uncertainty anymore,
2:58but it's because I've learned that
2:59security isn't something that you
3:01achieve once and then you get to keep
3:03forever. It's something that you
3:05gradually build through the way that you
3:07understand yourself, the choices that
3:09you make, and the relationships that you
3:11develop with your own life. And the last
3:13thing is probably the simplest, but it's
3:16the one that changed the most. The first
3:19shift is that I changed the way that I
3:21saw myself. I think one of the first
3:23things I started understanding was that
3:25self-esteem isn't just about whether you
3:28like yourself. It's the picture that you
3:30carry of yourself underneath everything
3:33else. So, it's what you believe about
3:36your worth. It's what you believe you
3:37deserve. It's what you believe that
3:39makes you valuable. And perhaps most
3:42importantly is what you believe someone
3:45else's behavior says about you. Because
3:47I started noticing how often my behavior
3:51was reflecting a particular picture that
3:53I had of myself. Because I started
3:56noticing how often my behavior was
3:59reflecting a particular picture that I
4:02had of myself. If somewhere inside of
4:05me, I believed that I wasn't quite
4:07enough, I could see that in the way that
4:09I dated. I could see it in how quickly I
4:12over thought someone's behavior, how
4:14much I explained myself, what I was
4:16willing to tolerate, and how easily
4:18another person's opinion could change
4:21the way that I felt about myself. And
4:23this was very interesting because I
4:25didn't necessarily think that I had low
4:27self-esteem. I was in a phase in my life
4:30where I could list the things that I
4:31liked about myself, and I was learning
4:33more about how capable I was. I knew
4:36that I had good qualities. And yet,
4:39there was still a quieter part of me
4:41that felt like I had something to prove.
4:44Like I needed to become more successful,
4:47more beautiful, more interesting, more
4:49accomplished, more lovable, and then
4:52perhaps I will finally feel like I was
4:55enough. I think this is something that a
4:57lot of us experience without necessarily
5:00recognizing it in a in a conscious way.
5:03We don't always walk around consciously
5:06thinking that we're not enough. A lot of
5:08times we simply live as though we still
5:10have something to prove. We feel like we
5:13need to achieve a little more before we
5:15can relax. We feel like we need to
5:17become a little bit more attractive
5:20before we can feel that we're desirable.
5:23We feel like we need to become a little
5:24bit more successful before we can feel
5:27proud of ourselves. And by doing that,
5:30without realizing it, we turn our entire
5:33life into an attempt to become someone
5:37we can finally approve of. The problem
5:40is that this belief doesn't stay neatly
5:42inside your head. It leaks into your
5:45relationships. You can see it in what
5:47you tolerate in how quickly you panic
5:49when someone's behavior changes, in how
5:52desperately you try to be understood by
5:55them, in how easily someone else's
5:57opinion becomes evidence for or against
6:00your own worth. Because when you do not
6:03feel secure in the way that you see
6:05yourself, you naturally start looking
6:08outside of yourself for evidence that
6:10you're okay, for evidence that you're
6:12worthy. Someone's attention becomes
6:15evidence then that you are desirable.
6:17Someone's approval becomes evidence that
6:20you're doing something right. A
6:22relationship becomes evidence that you
6:24are lovable. And so when those things
6:27disappear and they go away or they even
6:30become uncertain, you feel as though you
6:33have a lost something much bigger than
6:35that thing itself. You feel as though
6:38you have a lost the evidence that you
6:40were enough. And this was one of the
6:42first things that I had to change. I
6:44became much more interested in how I saw
6:46myself when nobody else was looking. Not
6:50just the version of myself that I wanted
6:52other people to see, but the version
6:54that I actually experienced when I was
6:56alone with myself. I had to become
6:59interested in how I spoke to myself,
7:01what I expected from myself, what I
7:03believed I deserved, what I considered
7:05acceptable treatment by someone else,
7:08what I thought that I needed to become
7:10before I was allowed to feel good about
7:13who I already was. Because I realized
7:16that I could spend years trying to
7:18improve my life without ever questioning
7:21the person that I believed that I had to
7:23become to deserve that life. And that
7:26was a very different problem to solve.
7:28Instead of asking myself how I could
7:31become more impressive, more desirable,
7:33or more accomplished, I started asking,
7:37"Why do I feel like I need to become all
7:39of those things before I can finally
7:42feel enough. And I think that question
7:46opened a completely different way of
7:48understanding and seeing myself because
7:51then the goal wasn't to stop growing. It
7:54was to stop making my worth dependent on
7:57how much more I could become. I realized
8:01that I could want more for myself
8:03without believing that who I was right
8:05now wasn't enough. I realized that I
8:08could work towards becoming a better
8:10version of myself without treating the
8:12woman that I was today as someone who
8:14needed to be fixed. And I think there's
8:16a very important distinction there. You
8:18can either want to change your life
8:20because you believe that you're worthy
8:22of more, you are worthy of a beautiful
8:25life, or you can spend your life trying
8:27to change yourself because you believe
8:30that you aren't worthy of one yet. The
8:33external actions might look similar, but
8:36internally you're living from two very
8:39different places. Come from two
8:41different intentions. I think becoming
8:44more secure started with learning how to
8:47tell the difference. Shift number two is
8:49that I stopped making other people the
8:51source of my self-worth. So, once I
8:54started questioning the way that I saw
8:56myself, I began noticing something else.
8:59I started noticing how often I was using
9:02other people to determine how I felt
9:05about myself. I would have a perfectly
9:07good day, for example, I would feel
9:09happy with my life. feel confident in
9:11myself. I was excited about what I was
9:14building. And then I would see someone
9:17my age getting engaged or moving into
9:20their dream apartment or traveling
9:22somewhere that I had been dreaming
9:24about. Or I've seen someone reaching a
9:26career milestone that I hadn't reached
9:28yet. And suddenly my own life looked
9:30very different in my eyes. Nothing had
9:33actually changed in my life, but somehow
9:35everything felt wrong all of a sudden. I
9:39wasn't looking at my life anymore. I was
9:42focused at looking at theirs and
9:45comparing my life to theirs. And I think
9:47this is one of the ways that externally
9:50built security reveals itself to us.
9:53It's when you can feel completely fine
9:55with yourself and with your life until
9:56someone else's life gives you a reason
9:59to question your own. You can feel
10:02beautiful until you see someone that you
10:04consider more beautiful. You can feel
10:06successful until you meet someone who
10:08has achieved more. You can feel secure
10:11in your relationship until you hear
10:14about someone else's relationship. And
10:16when you hear that, your sense of being
10:18okay becomes dependent on how you
10:21compare. I started realizing that this
10:23was happening to me in my relationships,
10:26too. Someone's interest in me made me
10:28feel desirable. Someone's distance made
10:31me question myself. Someone choosing me
10:34made me feel as though I had been
10:36validated. Someone not choosing me made
10:39me wonder what I was missing and what
10:41was wrong with me. And I think the
10:43problem wasn't that I cared about what
10:45other people thought. Of course, I
10:47cared. We are human beings. We want to
10:50be loved. We want to be accepted. We
10:52want to be understood and appreciated.
10:54The problem was that I started using
10:56other people's behavior as a measurement
11:00of my own value. There's a sentence that
11:02I come across that is relevant to this
11:04idea that really stuck with me. People
11:07can only meet you from their own
11:10capacities, their own limitations, and
11:13circumstances. Someone can love you and
11:16still be unable to give you the
11:18relationship that you want. Someone can
11:20recognize your qualities and still not
11:23be the right person for you. Someone can
11:26misunderstand you. Someone can reject
11:28you. Someone can be emotionally
11:30unavailable. And none of those things
11:32automatically tell you something
11:34definitive about your own worth and
11:36about yourself. They only tell you
11:38something about an interaction between
11:41two people. It tells you about the
11:42circumstances, their preferences, their
11:45capacities, and their compatibility. But
11:48when your self-worth is outsourced,
11:51everything that happens in relation to
11:54you, it becomes personal. So their
11:57distance becomes that I'm not enough.
12:00Their rejection becomes, "Oh, I am
12:03undesirable." Their uncertainty becomes,
12:06"Oh, I need to do something." Their
12:08approval becomes, "Oh, I'm okay." And so
12:12when this is happening, you're not just
12:14experiencing a relationship, you are
12:17constantly trying to get information
12:19about yourself from another person, from
12:22another human being. And if you have
12:24experienced this before, I'm sure you
12:26remember how exhausting this feels. So
12:30when I started realizing that, and I
12:31started realizing how exhausting this
12:33felt, I started asking myself a
12:35different question. I started asking
12:37myself, "Well, if I already knew that I
12:40was worthy, how would I experience
12:42this?" I would stop asking myself, "What
12:45will make them choose me?" I would stop
12:47asking myself, "How do I get them to see
12:49my value?" But I would start focusing on
12:52the question of what would this
12:53situation mean if my value wasn't up for
12:57discussion. And that question changed
13:00the way that I approached my
13:01relationships because eventually I began
13:04to understand that someone else's
13:06capacity is just information about them
13:09and about the dynamic in the
13:10relationship that we have between us.
13:12And it is absolutely not an automatic
13:15verdict about me. And obviously this
13:18doesn't mean that never affected by
13:20rejection or that I can't simply decide
13:22not to care. Rejection can still hurt.
13:25Being misunderstood can still hurt.
13:27Realizing that someone doesn't want the
13:29same things that you want can still
13:31hurt. But I realized that security
13:33doesn't require you to pretend
13:36otherwise. It simply means that the pain
13:39of an experience doesn't have to become
13:41a conclusion about who you are and about
13:44what you're worth. I realized I can be
13:46disappointed that someone didn't choose
13:48me without deciding that I was not
13:51somehow less worthy of being chosen. I
13:54realized that I can want a relationship
13:56to work without believing that its
13:59failure means that I have failed. I
14:01learned that I can admire someone else's
14:03life without using that as evidence that
14:06mine is falling behind. And I think that
14:09was definitely one of the biggest
14:10changes for me. I stopped trying to make
14:13every external circumstance reflect
14:15something positive about myself. I began
14:18allowing my life to be my life and other
14:21people's lives to be theirs. I realized
14:24that someone else's success doesn't have
14:27to diminish mine. Someone else's beauty
14:30doesn't have to threaten mine. Someone
14:32else's relationship doesn't have to make
14:34me question my own future, my own
14:37relationship. And someone else's
14:39inability to love you the way that you
14:41want to be loved doesn't mean that you
14:43are difficult to love. So, once I began
14:46to understand that, I became much less
14:49interested in proving my value to other
14:51people and I became more interested in
14:54recogni- -zing it for myself. And that
14:56brought me into something else that I
14:58had to learn to question. And that was
15:01my own fear. Shift number three is that
15:03I learned to question my fear instead of
15:06automatically believing it. I used to
15:08think that fear was a form of intuition.
15:11So, if I felt anxious, I assumed that
15:14there must be a reason for me feeling
15:16that way. If I could imagine something
15:19going wrong, I treated that thought
15:21almost like a warning, as a prophecy
15:24that I had to look out for. If someone I
15:26cared about behaved differently, my mind
15:29would start looking for an explanation.
15:32And once I had imagined a possible
15:34explanation, I could become emotionally
15:37invested in it as though it had already
15:40happened. But eventually, I started
15:42noticing the difference between
15:43something actually happening and
15:46something being possible. And this
15:48distinction changed the way that I
15:50understood a lot about my anxiety. So,
15:53there's a difference between responding
15:55to something that is happening in the
15:57present and responding to some future
16:00that your mind has constructed. If you
16:03are in a genuine danger, fear can
16:06actually help you recognize it and
16:08respond to it in a in a right way. But
16:11if, for example, someone takes longer to
16:13reply and your mind immediately creates
16:16a scenario and a story about them losing
16:19interest, you are not necessarily
16:21responding to what is actually
16:23happening, but you are responding and
16:25getting triggered to what you fear might
16:28be happening. And your body might react
16:30to both of these situations in a
16:32surprisingly similar way. Whether the
16:35threat and the fear is real or not, your
16:38heart will race, your stomach will drop,
16:41you will feel restless, you will want to
16:43do something immediately to resolve it,
16:45to fix it, to stop it from becoming
16:48reality. You want to find an answer. You
16:50want to resolve this uncertainty or make
16:53this uncomfortable feeling disappear. I
16:56had to realize that the intensity of the
16:59feeling of that anxiety doesn't
17:01automatically tell you how accurate that
17:04interpretation is, how accurate your
17:07imagined story is, and how possible it
17:11is that this is going to happen in
17:13reality. And I think this was something
17:15that I definitely needed to learn, and I
17:17think it's something that a lot of us
17:18need to learn as well. That just because
17:21something feels threatening, it doesn't
17:23necessarily mean that it is. Just
17:25because I can't imagine a painful
17:27outcome, it doesn't mean that it's the
17:29outcome that I'm moving towards and that
17:31is actually taking place. And just
17:33because I'm afraid of losing something,
17:36it doesn't mean that I'm already losing
17:38it. I was able to start becoming curious
17:41about the stories that my mind was
17:43creating. I started asking myself "What
17:45actually happened? What am I assuming?
17:47What do I know? What am I afraid that
17:49this will mean about me?" Through that,
17:51I began to realize that a lot of my
17:54fears wasn't really about the thing that
17:56I was afraid of. It was about what I
17:58believed that thing would mean and what
18:01I think it will mean about me. I wasn't
18:03only afraid that someone might leave and
18:06might abandon me. I was afraid of what
18:08being left might say about me. I wasn't
18:11only afraid that a relationship might
18:13end. I was afraid of what that ending
18:16might mean about my future. I wasn't
18:19only afraid that my life might look
18:21different from what I imagined. I was
18:23afraid that it would mean that I had
18:25somehow fallen behind. And when I began
18:29separating the actual experience from
18:31the meaning that I was attaching to it,
18:34I could finally see what I was dealing
18:36with. Sometimes there was a genuine
18:38problem that needed my attention.
18:40Sometimes I needed to have a
18:42conversation.
18:43I needed to ask a question or to make a
18:45decision. I realized that a lot of the
18:47times, most of the times, I was trying
18:50to solve a future that hadn't happened
18:53yet. There's a lot of freedom in
18:55recognizing that you don't have to
18:57respond to every possibility and every
19:00scenario that your mind makes up as
19:02though it's a reality. You can
19:04acknowledge a fear without immediately
19:07organizing your whole life around it.
19:09You can notice that you are anxious
19:11without deciding that your anxiety has
19:13discovered some hidden truth that you
19:16can't prevent from actually taking
19:18place. You can ask whether there's
19:20something useful to learn from the
19:22feeling without allowing it to dictate
19:25the conclusion that you come up to. And
19:28this is something I still find myself
19:29practicing to this day because I don't
19:32think that the goal is to become a woman
19:34who never feels afraid ever again. It's
19:37to learn to become a woman who can
19:39experience fear without automatically
19:42handing it the authority to decide what
19:45is true and to decide for her. A lot of
19:47the times you're going to realize that
19:49fear is simply pointing towards
19:51something that deserves your attention.
19:53Sometimes fear it is revealing an
19:56assumption that you haven't questioned
19:58for a long time and sometimes that fear
20:01is simply the discomfort of not knowing
20:04what is going to happen next and you
20:07needing to know and needing to have that
20:09certainty of what is going to happen
20:11next. Learning to distinguish between
20:13those experiences takes time, but I
20:16think the more you practice it, the less
20:18frightening your own mind becomes. You
20:22realize from that that you can have a
20:24thought without automatically believing
20:26it as a possibility and as a reality.
20:29You can have a feeling without obeying
20:31to it. You can imagine a future without
20:35having to prepare emotionally for every
20:38possible version of it. And that creates
20:40space. It creates space for you to
20:42observe, space for you to think, space
20:45for you to gather information, and
20:48eventually space to make a decision
20:51based on what is actually happening
20:53rather than what you're afraid might
20:55happen. And as a result, by making a
20:58different choice, a more intentional
21:01choice, and a more intentional decision,
21:03you end up with a more intentional
21:05outcome rather than an outcome that is
21:08just based on an urge and a fear that is
21:11not even real a real fear. It's not even
21:14reality and substantial enough. Shift
21:17number four is that I gave my intensity
21:20somewhere to go. This was a very
21:21important shift for me because I have
21:24always been someone who feels things
21:26deeply. I think deeply, I notice things,
21:29I can become completely absorbed in an
21:32idea, in a book, a conversation, a
21:35person, a project. I've noticed that
21:38when something interests me, I want to
21:40understand it. When I care about
21:42something, I can give it an enormous
21:44amount of attention. And for a long
21:46time, I didn't fully understand how to
21:49work with that part of myself. And so
21:52when I liked someone, it was very easy
21:55for that person to become the place
21:57where all of my attention went. All of
22:00my curiosity, all of my excitement, all
22:02of my imagination, all of my emotional
22:05energy, and eventually all of my future.
22:07And when this happens, one person could
22:10occupy an extraordinary amount of space
22:13in your mind. So when this happened for
22:16me, I would think about the
22:17relationship, I would analyze
22:19interactions, I would imagine
22:21possibilities, and I would become so
22:23completely absorbed in everything that
22:25was happening between us. And I think
22:28part of me believed that this was simply
22:31what it meant to care about someone
22:33deeply. That when you care about someone
22:36so much, it means that you put a lot of
22:38your energy and your thought into them.
22:39But eventually, I came across an idea
22:43that stayed with me, that really woke me
22:45up from this way of seeing things. And
22:48that was the idea that when you have a
22:50very large inner world, you need
22:53somewhere for that energy to go. And I
22:56realized that I didn't need to become
22:57less intense. I needed to create a life
23:00that could hold that intensity. Meaning
23:03my books, my work, my creativity, my
23:06friendships, my interests, my ideas, my
23:10rituals, my own little universe that
23:13existed whether someone was loving me
23:16that day or not. Because the problem is
23:18when one person becomes the main source
23:21of your excitement, the main source of
23:23connection, simulation, emotional
23:26fulfillment, and your sense of
23:28possibility, that relationship can start
23:31carrying much more weight that that it
23:34can actually carry. When this happens,
23:36you're not just enjoying someone
23:38anymore. You are looking to them to give
23:41your emotional world somewhere to go.
23:43And that can make even a beautiful
23:46relationship feel consuming. And it's
23:49not necessarily because the relationship
23:51is wrong, but it's because there's so
23:54much of your life that has been
23:56organized around it. So when I realized
23:58that, I started understanding that I
24:00didn't need another person to become my
24:03entire world. I needed a world of my own
24:07that I could invite them into. And that
24:10transformed and changed completely the
24:13way I thought about love and the way
24:15that I thought about relationships. I
24:17realized that the person that I was
24:20dating could be my partner without also
24:22becoming my only source of excitement.
24:25They could be someone that I loved
24:27without becoming the only person that I
24:30wanted to spend time with. They could be
24:32an important part of my future without
24:35becoming the only future that I could
24:37imagine. They could be someone that I
24:39shared my inner world with without being
24:42responsible for giving that world all
24:44its meaning. And I think there is
24:46something really beautiful about that.
24:48When you realize that, you don't have to
24:51become less deep. You don't have to
24:53become less romantic. You don't have to
24:55care less. You just need a life large
24:58enough to hold everything that you are.
25:01I sometimes think about it like a river.
25:02I think a river is a very good analogy
25:04for this. A river can carry an enormous
25:07amount of water because the water has
25:09somewhere to move and somewhere to flow.
25:12But when you try to contain all of that
25:14water in one small place, eventually it
25:17floods. I think that we, in our
25:20relationships, we can be like that. All
25:22that love, curiosity, the imagination,
25:25all the devotion and emotional energy
25:28needs It needs somewhere to go and
25:31somewhere to move. It has to move
25:33through the things that you create, the
25:34people that you love, the places that
25:36you go, the ideas that you explore, the
25:39friendships that you get to nurture, the
25:41life that you're building. And when you
25:43give those parts of yourself somewhere
25:46to go, love becomes somewhere that you
25:49can pour some of yourself into without
25:52pouring your entire self away. And I
25:55think this is one of the reasons that
25:57having your own life matters so much in
26:00relationships and why so many women are
26:03big advocates for that. They're telling
26:05you to have your own life besides your
26:07relationship because they speak from
26:09experience of realizing what it is to
26:11have to do that or to not do that. And
26:15the cost of not having that is not
26:17because you need to keep yourself busy
26:19to make someone miss you. It's not
26:21because independence is a good dating
26:23strategy, but it's because your life
26:26deserves to be a source of meaning in
26:29its own right. You deserve to have
26:31things that you're excited about that
26:33have nothing to do with whether someone
26:35is choosing you. You deserve to have
26:37experiences that remind you of who you
26:39are outside of your relationship. You
26:41deserve to have a world that continues
26:43expanding as you fall in love. And I
26:46think that the more you develop that
26:49world, the the room love has to exist
26:52inside of it because then love doesn't
26:55have to carry everything. It can just
26:58simply be one of the beautiful things
27:01that your life contains. Shift number
27:03five is that I learned to let my life
27:06change when I changed. This was a more
27:09of a quieter shift. I would say it's
27:11probably one of the hardest ones. I
27:13started noticing that as I changed, I
27:16had to let parts of my life change with
27:19me. Thing that sounds easy and I think
27:21it sounds obvious, but it's something
27:23that we resist so much as people and as
27:26human beings. We want the new without
27:29having to release the old. We want a
27:32different life, a different
27:33relationship, a different version of
27:35ourselves, but we still want to hold on
27:38to everything that belonged to the
27:40person that we used to be. We want to
27:43grow without having to reconsider our
27:45routines. We want to feel different
27:47without changing our environment. We
27:50want to become someone new while keeping
27:53every familiar part of our old identity
27:56intact. And eventually I started
27:58understanding something very simple but
28:01so fundamental. You need space for
28:03something new to enter your life.
28:05Sometimes creating that space means that
28:08you have to let go of a relationship
28:10that no longer feels right. Sometimes
28:12it's an old habit. It's an old identity.
28:14It's an expectation. It's an old
28:17routine, an environment, or even an idea
28:20of how your life was supposed to look.
28:23And that doesn't necessarily mean that
28:24what you are letting go of is something
28:27bad and that's why you need to leave it.
28:29Some things were exactly what you needed
28:31at some point in your life. They just
28:34weren't meant to come with you into the
28:36next one. I think that I used to believe
28:38that letting go of something it meant
28:41that I was admitting that something had
28:43been a mistake. If I had to leave
28:45something behind, perhaps it meant that
28:48I had chosen incorrectly. If a
28:50relationship I chose ended, perhaps I
28:53had wasted my time. If I wanted
28:56something different from what I used to
28:58want, perhaps I had somehow been wrong
29:00about myself. I eventually started
29:03seeing it differently. I started seeing
29:05that something can't have been
29:07beautiful, it could have been meaningful
29:09and right for you, and still have
29:12reached its end. You can appreciate a
29:14chapter of your life without needing to
29:17continue living in it. You can love a
29:19version of yourself without needing to
29:22remain her forever. And you can also
29:24recognize that something no longer fits
29:27without having to turn it into something
29:30terrible to justify you leaving it
29:32behind. I started thinking about this
29:34almost like a room. Imagine wanting to
29:37completely change the feeling of a room
29:39that you have in your house. You want to
29:41bring in a beautiful new sofa, a big
29:44bookshelf, flowers, art, candles, you
29:47know, all of these things that will make
29:49that space feel completely different and
29:52new. That room is already full. There
29:54are boxes everywhere, there's old
29:56furniture that you don't even like
29:58anymore, there are things that you have
30:00been keeping for years simply because
30:02you have always had them. And instead of
30:05taking anything out, you're standing in
30:07the middle of that room wondering why
30:09you can't fit anything new inside. I
30:11think we do this with our lives all the
30:13time. We say that we want something new,
30:16but we're still holding on to everything
30:18that belongs to the old version of us.
30:21We say that we want a healthier
30:22relationship, but we're still attached
30:24to the dynamics that made us feel
30:26unsafe. We say that we want a more
30:29peaceful life, for example, but we keep
30:31filling our days with things that leave
30:33us exhausted. We say that we want to
30:35become more confident, but we're still
30:37trying to live according to an identity
30:40that is built around being liked, being
30:42approved of or chosen. We say that we
30:45want to know ourselves differently, but
30:48we keep returning to the same
30:50environments, to the same habits, and
30:52the same expectations that reinforce who
30:55we used to be. And a lot of the times in
30:57these situations, the answer isn't that
30:59you need to add more. Sometimes you just
31:02need to clear the room. And this can be
31:04very painful because you may have to let
31:07go of something that was never wrong.
31:09It's something There's nothing bad about
31:11it. It was something that you loved,
31:13something that is familiar, something
31:15that still feels nostalgic to you. You
31:18might even feel tempted to keep it
31:20simply because the alternative is an
31:23empty space. But comparing it to this
31:26analogy made me start realizing that an
31:28empty space isn't necessarily a problem
31:31that needs to be solved. A lot of the
31:33times, it's simply a space that hasn't
31:35been filled yet. And something very
31:37powerful about being willing to let it
31:39be empty for a while. You don't have to
31:41immediately replace the relationship
31:43that you lost. You don't have to
31:45immediately know what your next chapter
31:48will look like. You don't have to fill
31:50every quiet period of your life with
31:52another person, another project, or
31:55another plan. You can allow yourself to
31:58be between things. You can be between
32:00identities, between relationships,
32:03between versions of yourself, and still
32:05trust that you don't have to know
32:07exactly what comes next to recognize
32:10that something has changed. And I really
32:13think this was an important part of
32:15becoming more secure because this
32:18required me to stop treating every
32:21ending as a threat to my future. I had
32:24to see that sometimes an ending is
32:26simply an ending. Sometimes it's a
32:28necessary adjustment. It creates a room
32:30for a life that you couldn't have
32:33imagined while you were still holding on
32:35to the old one. And sometimes, you only
32:39understand what that space was making
32:41room for only much later. So, I stopped
32:44only asking myself, "How do I keep
32:46everything that I have built?" And I
32:48started asking, "What am I holding on to
32:51that no longer belongs into the life
32:53that I am creating?" Because a lot of
32:56the times, making your life more secure
32:58isn't all about adding more, but it's
33:00more about having the courage to release
33:03what no longer absolutely fits and
33:06doesn't intentionally fit with the life
33:08that you want to create. When you
33:10realize that, to trust yourself enough
33:13to let that next chapter unfold without
33:16needing you to fill every page in
33:18advance and know with certainty what is
33:20going to come and what is going to
33:22happen. Shift number six is that I
33:24learned that peace can feel strange
33:26before it can feel safe. I think this
33:28might be one of the most important
33:30things that I've learned about becoming
33:32secure. A lot of the times, the
33:34unfamiliar
33:35can feel wrong simply because it is
33:38unfamiliar. You can spend years being
33:40used to that uncertainty, used to the
33:43emotional highs and lows, used to
33:45wondering, used to trying to figure out
33:48someone, used to have to earn your
33:50closeness with someone. And then,
33:53something different comes along.
33:55Something different enters your life.
33:58Someone is consistent. Someone
34:00communicates clearly. Someone shows
34:03interest without making you question it.
34:05You are now in a relationship where you
34:08don't constantly have to wonder where
34:11you stand with that person. And
34:12strangely, that can feel uncomfortable.
34:16And it's not necessarily because
34:18something is wrong with that
34:19relationship, but it's because you don't
34:22have a familiar map for this experience
34:25yet. It's a completely new territory,
34:28and you don't know your way around it.
34:29And therefore, that makes you feel
34:31unfamiliar, unsafe, and very
34:34unpredictable. I think this is something
34:36that sometimes we overlook when we talk
34:39about healing. We assume that when
34:41something is good for us, we will
34:43automatically feel good about
34:45experiencing it. We think that when a
34:48relationship is healthy, we will
34:50immediately feel calm around it. That
34:52when we make the right decision, we will
34:55feel certain and confident about it.
34:58That when we move towards a better life,
35:01that we will know that we're moving into
35:03the right direction. But a lot of the
35:05times, the experience of something new
35:08is uncomfortable simply because it's
35:11new. If you have become accustomed to
35:14uncertainty, when you experience
35:15consistency, it's going to feel so
35:18unfamiliar. If you have been accustomed
35:21to chasing, being met halfway will feel
35:24strange. If you have spent years
35:27believing that you have to earn love,
35:29when you just receive it without
35:31constantly proving yourself, it will
35:33feel very difficult for you to
35:35understand what is really what is
35:36happening. And when I realized that and
35:38when I recognized that, I became much
35:41more interested in the difference
35:43between familiarity and safety. Because
35:47something can feel familiar without
35:49being good for you. And something can
35:52feel unfamiliar without it being wrong
35:55for you. You can be familiar with
35:57anxiety, you can be familiar with
35:59overthinking, familiar with
36:01relationships that leave you questioning
36:03yourself. You can feel familiar with
36:05constantly trying to work out what the
36:07other person wants or what they want
36:09from you. And because those experiences
36:12are familiar, you may know exactly how
36:15to navigate them and how to work your
36:17way around them. You know how to chase,
36:20you know how to analyze, you know how to
36:22seek reassurance, you know how to
36:24prepare yourself for disappointment, you
36:27know what to do when you feel uncertain.
36:29But, what happens when you find yourself
36:32in a situation that doesn't require any
36:35of those things? What happens when
36:37someone is consistent? When you don't
36:39need to prove yourself? When you can
36:41express what you want? When you can
36:43enjoy a relationship without constantly
36:45trying to work out whether it's going to
36:47disappear? You might discover then that
36:49you don't immediately know how to relax
36:52into it and to fully trust it. And I
36:55think it's important not to interpret
36:57that discomfort too quickly. Of course,
37:00sometimes discomfort is telling you that
37:02something isn't right. You should never
37:04dismiss your instincts or convince
37:07yourself to remain in a situation that
37:09feels wrong simply because you think
37:12that you're supposed to be secure. But,
37:14discomfort alone doesn't always tell you
37:17whether something is good or bad for
37:19you. I think that sometimes you need
37:21time to understand what you're
37:23experiencing. And this really changed
37:25the question that I started to ask
37:27myself. Instead of immediately asking,
37:29"Oh, why don't I feel comfortable with
37:31this?" I started asking myself, "Well,
37:34what if I don't actually dislike this?
37:37What if I just don't recognize this yet?
37:40What if being calm feels boring because
37:43I'm used to intensity? What if
37:45consistency feels strange right now
37:48because I'm used to uncertainty? What if
37:51allowing someone to get close feels
37:53uncomfortable because I'm used to
37:55protecting myself and having my walls
37:57up? What if I'm learning a new way of
38:00relating and I haven't yet developed a
38:03sense of familiarity with it?" I think
38:06these questions gave me a different way
38:08of approaching my experiences. Rather
38:12than immediately trying to escape the
38:14discomfort or to force myself to feel
38:17differently, I could become curious
38:20about it. I could allow myself to
38:22experience that consistency, to receive
38:24affection, to communicate honestly, to
38:27let a relationship develop without
38:30constantly searching for a problem, to
38:32allow myself to discover what it feels
38:34like when love doesn't require me to
38:37spend all of my energy trying to secure
38:41it. And I think this is something that
38:42we can gradually learn. Not by
38:45convincing ourselves that everything
38:47unfamiliar is good, but by giving
38:50ourselves the opportunity to experience
38:53something different before we decide
38:56what it means. I think that sometimes
38:59the next stage of your growth isn't
39:01about learning how to leave something
39:04that feels unfamiliar. I think in those
39:07times is about learning how to remain
39:09present long enough to discover that the
39:13discomfort isn't necessarily a warning.
39:16It might be simply the experience of
39:18doing something different. And I think
39:20that's when security starts becoming
39:22more than an idea, and it becomes just a
39:24new experience of life. And the more
39:26experiences you have like that, the more
39:29you can trust it, the more you can feel
39:31safe around it, and you can predict how
39:34this is going to go. And because you
39:37have a positive expectancy from it, and
39:40you relate it with positive feelings,
39:42you feel good with that. You desire
39:44that, you crave it, and you feel safe
39:46around it. And finally, shift number
39:48seven, I said started asking myself,
39:51"What would I do if I felt completely
39:53secure right now?" And this is probably
39:56the shift that brought everything
39:57together for me, because I started
39:59asking myself a question that changed
40:01the way that I approached relationships,
40:04I approached decisions, and even
40:06ordinary situations in a way that I've
40:09never approached them before. And that
40:11was the question of what would I do if I
40:14felt completely secure right now. So,
40:16instead of me merely asking, "What
40:18should I do? What's the perfect response
40:21to this thing that this person is asking
40:23me? What will make them like me more?
40:25What can I do to make sure that this
40:27works and this person doesn't abandon
40:29me?" I started bringing my attention
40:31back to myself. What would I say if I
40:34weren't trying to prove myself? What
40:36would I choose if I weren't afraid of
40:39disappointing someone? What would I do
40:42if someone else's reaction didn't
40:45determine whether I had made the right
40:47decision. What will I allow myself to
40:49want if I weren't worried about how I
40:53would be received? And then I started
40:55noticing how different those answers
40:58could be from all the different
40:59questions I was asking myself before of
41:01trying to impress and prove myself to
41:03other people. I would actually start
41:05saying what I thought instead of editing
41:08myself to be more agreeable. I would ask
41:10for what I wanted instead of hoping that
41:13someone will notice what I needed and
41:15what I wanted. I noticed that I wouldn't
41:17send the extra message simply because I
41:20was uncomfortable with the silence. I
41:22wouldn't pretend not to care when I did.
41:25I wouldn't abandon something important
41:27to me because I was afraid that someone
41:29might leave. And I wouldn't turn one
41:32uncertain moment into an entire story
41:35about the future. I've noticed that the
41:37deeper that I went with this question,
41:39the more I realized that it wasn't
41:41really just about relationships. It
41:43started changing the way that I'm made
41:45decisions in general. What would I do if
41:48I wasn't trying to prove myself? What
41:50would I choose if I wasn't afraid of
41:53being misunderstood by this person? What
41:55would I say if I didn't need everyone to
41:58agree with me? What would I do here if I
42:01trusted myself to handle the
42:03consequences of my decisions? This way I
42:05realized that a lot of what I thought
42:08were decisions, they There actually
42:10attempts to manage how I will feel
42:14afterwards those decisions. I wasn't
42:16always asking, "Oh, what is right for
42:18me? What is the right thing for me to do
42:20here?" But I was most of the times
42:22asking, "What can I do to make sure that
42:25I don't get rejected, misunderstood,
42:28abandoned, or disappointed?" And as a
42:30result, avoid the negative feelings that
42:33come with that. And obviously, these are
42:35very different questions. When you're
42:37trying to avoid every possible negative
42:40feeling, your life slowly becomes
42:43organized around preventing that
42:45discomfort that comes from facing those
42:47negative feelings. You don't actually
42:50say what you think because someone might
42:53disagree. You don't ask for what you
42:55want because someone might say no. You
42:59don't make a decision because someone
43:01might disapprove. You don't allow
43:03yourself to become too excited because
43:07something might not work out. And so,
43:09eventually, you find yourself making
43:11decisions and making choices that are
43:14not really about what you want at all,
43:17but they're about what you are trying to
43:19avoid, what you're trying to avoid to
43:21face. So, I started experimenting with a
43:24different approach. I began asking what
43:28the secure choice would look like in
43:30this moment and in this circumstance.
43:32And I want to clarify here, the secure
43:35choice isn't always the most comfortable
43:38choice. And it's also not always the
43:40decision that makes you feel confident
43:42immediately. A lot of the times, it's
43:44the conversation that you have been
43:46avoiding. It is the boundary that you
43:48were afraid to set. It is the decision
43:50that might disappoint someone. It is the
43:53moment that you allow another person to
43:55have their feelings without making those
43:58feelings your responsibility to fix.
44:01It's when you're allowing someone to
44:02misunderstand you rather than exhausting
44:05yourself trying to convince them of your
44:08good intentions. And sometimes it's just
44:10a meeting that you want something even
44:12though you have no guarantee that you're
44:14going to get it. I realized from that
44:16that security doesn't always feels like
44:19confidence. A lot of the times it feels
44:21like you're doing what you know is right
44:23for you to do while your stomach is
44:26still in knots about doing that. While
44:29you're doing that, there's sometimes
44:30still a voice inside of you asking,
44:32"Well, am I really doing the right thing
44:34right now? What if they don't like me
44:35anymore? What if that if this doesn't
44:38work out and they abandon me and leave
44:39me worse than I felt before? Worse than
44:42I felt with me not having what I want."
44:44But underneath all of that fear, there
44:47is something that is quieter, that is
44:50convincing you and is pushing you to do
44:52that, to set that boundary, to do that
44:55right thing. And that is that is that
44:57voice that is telling you that I know
44:58this is right for me. I know that I'm
45:00choosing this because it reflects what
45:03it matters to me. I know that I'm
45:05willing to experience this temporary
45:07discomfort of making this decision
45:10rather than abandoning myself to avoid
45:13it. And I know that you know that
45:15there's something that feels incredibly
45:17good about that. There is this quiet
45:20sense of self-respect that follows that,
45:23that comes from knowing that you didn't
45:24betray yourself simply to keep something
45:27familiar around. Then, in this way you
45:30get to experience yourself on the other
45:32side of the choice. You get to realize
45:35that you're actually okay, that you get
45:37to realize that discomfort passes. You
45:40realize that you didn't need to betray
45:42yourself to keep someone. You realize
45:44that you can handle the thing that you
45:46were so afraid of. And every time that
45:49you do that, you build a little bit more
45:52trust with yourself. That unfamiliar
45:54starts becoming less frightening because
45:57you have evidence now that you can
45:59navigate it. So, choosing yourself
46:01starts feeling less like a risk and more
46:03like something that you can rely on. And
46:06so, eventually you begin to understand
46:08something that I think is so incredibly
46:10important. And that is the realization
46:13that you don't need to feel completely
46:15secure before you make a secure choice.
46:18A lot of the times the choice, making
46:20the choice itself, is how you become
46:22secure. When you speak honestly while
46:25you're still nervous, when you make that
46:27decision while you're still uncertain,
46:29when you allow yourself to be seen while
46:32you're still afraid of being judged,
46:35when you choose what matters to you
46:39while you're still learning how to
46:41tolerate someone else's disappointment.
46:44And afterwards, you discover that you
46:47can actually survive the feelings that
46:49you were trying so hard to avoid and so
46:52hard to face. That is how you gradually
46:55build trust in yourself. It's not by
46:57waiting until you never feel afraid
46:59again, but by experiencing yourself
47:02doing what matters to you, even when
47:05fear is present. And I think this is
47:07what becoming secure eventually started
47:09to feel like for me. It was not never
47:12being afraid, but trusting myself enough
47:15to move towards what feels right even
47:18when I don't know yet where it will lead
47:21me to. And so, when I look back at all
47:23of these shifts, I realized that
47:25learning how to belong to myself. And
47:27while all of these shifts might seem
47:29quite different from one another, I
47:31think that they all together led me
47:34towards the same realization. To the
47:36realization that I didn't want my sense
47:39of being okay to depend entirely on what
47:42was happening around me. I wanted to
47:44develop a relationship with myself that
47:46I could remain intact even when life
47:50around me was changing. And I think this
47:52is what I really want you to take away
47:54from this video. Becoming secure isn't
47:57about constructing this perfectly calm
48:00version of yourself. It's not about
48:03becoming the woman who never gets
48:05triggered. It's not about becoming so
48:06independent that you don't need anyone.
48:09It's not about never experiencing
48:11rejection, never questioning yourself,
48:14or never having a difficult day. And
48:17it's definitely not about becoming so
48:19emotionally detached that nothing
48:22matters to you anymore. But, it's more
48:24about learning how to remain connected
48:26to yourself while you experience
48:29everything that makes you human. It's
48:31about being able to want something
48:34without making your worth dependent on
48:37whether you get that thing. It's about
48:39being able to love someone without
48:42making them responsible for your entire
48:44sense of identity. It's about being able
48:47to experience fear without automatically
48:50treating it as the truth. It's also
48:52about allowing yourself to grow without
48:56feeling that you have to reject every
48:58version of yourself that came before
49:00that. It's about allowing something to
49:02end without assuming that your future
49:05has ended with it. And finally, it's
49:07about making choices that reflect who
49:10you want to be even when those choices
49:13come with uncertainty and fear. I think
49:15that the woman I was becoming was no
49:17longer the woman who needed every
49:20external circumstance to feel okay, to
49:23feel certain. She was becoming someone
49:26who could create a sense of stability
49:28within herself. She was no longer
49:30asking, "How do I make sure that this
49:32works?" She was now asking, "Does this
49:35work for me?" She was no longer
49:37thinking, "How do I become enough for
49:39this person?" She was asking, "Do I feel
49:42like myself here?" She was no longer
49:44trying to become impossible to hurt. She
49:47was becoming someone who knew that
49:50whatever happens, I will not leave
49:52myself. And that's the distinction
49:53between insecurity and security. Because
49:56you can spend your entire life trying to
49:58create circumstances in which you will
50:01never have to feel insecure again. No
50:03external circumstance can guarantee that
50:06you will never experience uncertainty or
50:10disappointment again in your life. At
50:12some point, you have to develop the
50:14ability to experience those things
50:17without turning against yourself. And I
50:20think that's what this shifts slowly
50:23taught me. So, that's it for today,
50:25guys. Thank you so much for watching. If
50:27you have any questions, any
50:29recommendations, anything that you would
50:31like me to answer in a future video, you
50:33can always let me know in the comments.
50:35I appreciate you for being here, and I
50:36will see you soon on the next one.

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