The What-The-Hell Effect — Transcript

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1. 0:00You're lying in bed staring at the
2. 0:01ceiling, and you make yourself a
3. 0:02promise. This time, for real, you're
4. 0:05going to change your life. The next day,
5. 0:07the same person decides it doesn't
6. 0:08matter anymore. You want to get in
7. 0:09shape, and you also want to eat an
8. 0:11entire tub of ice cream with a spoon the
9. 0:13size of your head. You want to quit the
10. 0:15job that's slowly draining the life out
11. 0:17of you, and you want that paycheck so
12. 0:18badly that just thinking about leaving
13. 0:20makes your stomach drop. You want more
14. 0:22friends, a real social life, and when
15. 0:24someone cancels plans, you feel nothing
16. 0:26but relief. You want a clean apartment,
17. 0:28and there's a chair in your bedroom that
18. 0:30is now just clothes. You're exhausted,
19. 0:32and all you want is sleep, and you stay
20. 0:33up anyway, not even [music] doing
21. 0:35anything, because it's the only time of
22. 0:36day nobody needs anything from you. You
23. 0:38want to be a morning person. You've
24. 0:39wanted to be a morning person every
25. 0:41single night for 10 years. The strangest
26. 0:43part is that both feelings are real.
27. 0:45You're not lying to yourself in either
28. 0:47moment. You've wanted this for years, to
29. 0:49finally get in shape, to look in the
30. 0:50mirror and actually like who's looking
31. 0:52back, to make that quiet voice inside
32. 0:54you proud, [music] just once. And then
33. 0:56one night, out of nowhere, you let it
34. 0:58all go. Screw it. I'm getting the ice
35. 1:00cream, the big tub and the big spoon.
36. 1:03I'll eat whatever I want, whenever I
37. 1:05want. So, what if I'm fat? I'm not the
38. 1:08only one on the planet. Let other people
39. 1:10be in shape. I'm going to live my life,
40. 1:12and I'm going to be happy. And in that
41. 1:14moment, it feels amazing. It doesn't
42. 1:16feel like giving up. It feels like
43. 1:17freedom, like you finally stopped lying
44. 1:20to yourself, and it's never just food.
45. 1:22The business you were going to start
46. 1:23becomes a silly dream. The savings
47. 1:25become a weekend trip. Then the next
48. 1:28morning, you look in the mirror, and the
49. 1:29old want is back, louder than before.
50. 1:32So, you start, then you stop, [music]
51. 1:34then you start again, and every single
52. 1:36time you're sure this is the version of
53. 1:38you that finally knows what it really
54. 1:40wants. So, what is happening here? What
55. 1:42do you actually want? Here's what almost
56. 1:45nobody tells you. You didn't change your
57. 1:47mind. You changed people. Thomas
58. 1:49Schelling was an economist who spent
59. 1:50most of his career studying nuclear war.
60. 1:53He figured out how two superpowers could
61. 1:55stare at each other with enough weapons
62. 1:56to end the world, and somehow not use
63. 1:58them. It won him a Nobel Prize, but some
64. 2:00of his most interesting work was about
65. 2:02just one person. Schelling noticed
66. 2:04something interesting about people
67. 2:05trying to quit smoking, lose weight, or
68. 2:08get out of bed on time. Their behavior
69. 2:09often looked like a conflict between two
70. 2:11different versions of themselves. One
71. 2:13wants the long-term reward, the other
72. 2:16wants what's good right [music] now.
73. 2:18Think of them as two people sharing one
74. 2:20body, taking turns at the controls. One
75. 2:22of them sets the alarm across the room
76. 2:24the night before. The other one, at 6:00
77. 2:26in the morning, would happily throw it
78. 2:27out the window. Both of them are you,
79. 2:29and neither of them is wrong. They just
80. 2:31live at different times. A few years
81. 2:33later, another Nobel-winning economist,
82. 2:35Richard Thaler, gave them names: the
83. 2:37planner and the doer. The planner lives
84. 2:40in the future. It wants the career, the
85. 2:42savings, the person you could become.
86. 2:44The doer lives right now. It cares about
87. 2:46the next 10 minutes, and they take turns
88. 2:48driving. On a Sunday night, the planner
89. 2:50is the one behind the wheel, but at 2:00
90. 2:52in the morning, when you're tired or
91. 2:54lonely, the doer grabs it. So, when you
92. 2:56say, "I don't know what I want," that's
93. 2:58not quite true. You know exactly what
94. 3:00you want, twice. You're just asking two
95. 3:02different people, and you can actually
96. 3:04see this in the brain. For example, in
97. 3:062009, a Stanford researcher named Hal
98. 3:09Hershfield scanned people's brains and
99. 3:11found that when you think about your
100. 3:12future self, your brain treats that
101. 3:14person a lot like a complete stranger.
102. 3:16[music] And that's why sacrificing for a
103. 3:18future you can feel surprisingly
104. 3:20difficult. So, when you choose the ice
105. 3:22cream over visible abs, you're not
106. 3:24choosing against yourself. You're
107. 3:26choosing against someone you barely
108. 3:27know. And most of us would trade a
109. 3:29stranger's happiness for a spoonful of
110. 3:31ice cream without thinking twice. In one
111. 3:33experiment, [music] office workers were
112. 3:35offered a free snack. Asked to pick one
113. 3:37for a week from now, about three out of
114. 3:39four chose fruit. Asked to pick one to
115. 3:41eat right now, about seven out of 10
116. 3:43chose chocolate. Same kind of people,
117. 3:46same office. [music] The only thing that
118. 3:47changed was when. The planner buys the
119. 3:49cast iron, the spices, and the meal prep
120. 3:52containers. The doer orders takeout for
121. 3:54the third night in a row. The life you
122. 3:56want is years away and blurry. [music]
123. 3:58The thing pulling at you is right here,
124. 4:01right now. That's not a fair fight.
125. 4:03That's a heavyweight against a ghost.
126. 4:05But, that still doesn't explain the
127. 4:06worst part, the flip-flopping. Wanting
128. 4:09something with your whole heart on
129. 4:10Sunday, giving up by Wednesday, and
130. 4:12wanting it again by Friday. For that, go
131. 4:14back to the 1940s to a Yale psychologist
132. 4:17named Neal Miller. Miller put hungry
133. 4:19rats in a harness at the start of a
134. 4:21runway with food at the far end. But,
135. 4:23those rats had also been shocked at that
136. 4:25same [music] spot. The thing they wanted
137. 4:26and the thing they feared were in
138. 4:28exactly the same place. Far away, they
139. 4:30pulled toward [music] the food. As the
140. 4:32rats got closer, the conflict between
141. 4:34wanting the food and fearing the shock
142. 4:36became stronger. Eventually, the fear
143. 4:38could outweigh the pull toward the food.
144. 4:40Some backed away. Once they did, the
145. 4:42fear faded faster than the want, and
146. 4:44they moved forward again, back and
147. 4:46forth, [music] wanting it most at the
148. 4:47exact distance where they couldn't make
149. 4:49themselves go and get what they wanted.
150. 4:51It's a useful way to think about
151. 4:52something you've probably experienced
152. 4:54yourself. From far away, a goal is all
153. 4:57reward. Up close, it's all cost. Say you
154. 5:00decide to become a morning person. At
155. 5:02night, it's exciting. You picture the
156. 5:04quiet coffee, the workout, the head
157. 5:06start on everyone else. It's all upside.
158. 5:08Then the alarm goes off. It's dark, the
159. 5:10bed is warm, and your whole body says
160. 5:12no. So, you hit snooze. And the moment
161. 5:15you do, the cold and the tiredness
162. 5:17disappear. All that's left is the
163. 5:18picture of the person you wanted to be.
164. 5:20And that night, you set the alarm again.
165. 5:23You're not failing at life. You're stuck
166. 5:25on a pendulum. Now, the most dangerous
167. 5:27moment in the cycle is when one small
168. 5:29slip turns into giving up on the whole
169. 5:30thing. In 1975, psychologists Peter
170. 5:34Herman and Deborah Mack gave people a
171. 5:36milkshake, then sat them down for what
172. 5:38they were told was an ice cream taste
173. 5:39test. People who were not dieting ate
174. 5:41less because they were full. People who
175. 5:44were dieting ate more. In their heads,
176. 5:46the day was already ruined. So, why stop
177. 5:48now, right? Researchers later gave this
178. 5:51a perfect name, the [music] what the
179. 5:53hell effect. You overspend once, and
180. 5:55suddenly, you're just bad with money.
181. 5:57One bad week at work, and suddenly,
182. 5:59maybe I'm not built for this. And then
183. 6:01your mind does something sneakier. It
184. 6:03decides you never wanted it in the first
185. 6:05place. [music] In the 1950s,
186. 6:06psychologist Leon Festinger called this
187. 6:09cognitive dissonance. Holding two
188. 6:11beliefs that fight each other feels so
189. 6:13uncomfortable that your mind will do
190. 6:15almost anything to make it stop,
191. 6:17including changing what you believe.
192. 6:19It's Aesop's fox who can't reach the
193. 6:21grapes and decides they were probably
194. 6:23sour anyway. I'll just be fat and happy
195. 6:25forever. I don't even need money. Who
196. 6:27even needs a big career anyway? That
197. 6:29thought feels like wisdom, but most of
198. 6:31the time it's anesthesia. Your mind
199. 6:34isn't solving the conflict, [music] it's
200. 6:36numbing it. And you can tell because a
201. 6:38few days later the want comes knocking
202. 6:40again. To be clear, there's nothing
203. 6:42wrong with either life.
204. 6:43>> [music]
205. 6:43>> Plenty of people make real peace with
206. 6:45their body or step off the career ladder
207. 6:47and they're happier for it. So here's
208. 6:49the simplest test there is. Sometimes a
209. 6:51goal really was borrowed from your
210. 6:53parents, your social media feed, or
211. 6:56someone you were trying to impress. When
212. 6:58you drop a borrowed want, it stays
213. 6:59dropped. Real peace stays, too. The real
214. 7:02ones keep coming back. So if there's
215. 7:04something you've quit 15 times and keep
216. 7:06circling back to, that's not proof that
217. 7:08you're weak. That's proof that it's
218. 7:09yours. So what do you [music] actually
219. 7:11do with two people living in one head?
220. 7:13The solution is not more willpower.
221. 7:15Willpower is the planner trying to win a
222. 7:17fistfight against the doer at 2:00 in
223. 7:19the morning on the doer's home turf.
224. 7:21You'll lose that fight most nights.
225. 7:23First, stop expecting the doer to
226. 7:25disappear. People who quit smoking 20
227. 7:27years ago still catch themselves wanting
228. 7:29one. The craving never leaves. So
229. 7:31[music] plan for it. If you know you'll
230. 7:33want rest, plan rest. If you'll want
231. 7:35something sweet, put it in the plan on
232. 7:37purpose. Now it isn't breaking the
233. 7:39rules, it is the rules. And when
234. 7:42nothing's broken, there's no what the
235. 7:44hell moments. [music] Second, don't make
236. 7:46permanent decisions in temporary states.
237. 7:48The psychologist George Loewenstein
238. 7:50calls this the hot-cold empathy gap.
239. 7:53When you're calm, you can't imagine how
240. 7:55strong a craving will feel. And when
241. 7:56you're craving, you can't imagine ever
242. 7:58feeling calm. Your feelings aren't
243. 8:00lying, they're just reporting from one
244. 8:02room of the house. So don't let the
245. 8:04midnight version of you, deciding to
246. 8:06give up forever, sign anything
247. 8:08permanent. And when [music] you slip,
248. 8:10the next choice is just the next choice.
249. 8:12You don't need a Monday to start again.
250. 8:14Third, let the planner set the rules
251. 8:17while it's still in charge. Odysseus
252. 8:19didn't just promise himself he'd resist
253. 8:21the sirens. He had his crew tie him to
254. 8:23the mast while he was still thinking
255. 8:25clearly. That's Schelling's alarm clock
256. 8:27across the room. The ice cream stays at
257. 8:29the store, so the doer would have to put
258. 8:30on shoes to get it. The savings leave
259. 8:32your paycheck automatically before the
260. 8:34doer ever sees them. Dinners get cooked
261. 8:36on Sunday, so Tuesday's version of you
262. 8:38has nothing to decide. And last, make
263. 8:40the future you less of a stranger.
264. 8:42Hershfield showed people
265. 8:45aged version of their own face in
266. 8:46virtual reality. Gray hair, wrinkles,
267. 8:49themselves decades from now. Then he
268. 8:51asked them to imagine they'd just been
269. 8:53handed a thousand dollars and to decide
270. 8:55how much to spend now and how much to
271. 8:57save for retirement. The people who just
272. 9:00looked their future self in the eye put
273. 9:01about twice as much into retirement.
274. 9:03Nothing about their goals changed. They
275. 9:05just stopped seeing a stranger. You're
276. 9:07not broken because you want two opposite
277. 9:10things. Feeling torn is just what it
278. 9:12feels like to be someone who can imagine
279. 9:13a future. The price of being able to
280. 9:15dream about tomorrow is keeps arguing
281. 9:18back. The goal was never to kill one of
282. 9:20those people inside you. It's to let the
283. 9:22one who can see further hold the keys.
284. 9:24So tell me, which one of you is watching
285. 9:26this right now? Whichever one it is, the
286. 9:28other one will be back. Tonight, when
287. 9:30you're lying in bed, the version of you
288. 9:32who wants more is going to show up
289. 9:34again. It always does. That's not proof
290. 9:36that you can't change. It's proof that
291. 9:38some part of you still has not given
292. 9:40[music] up.