YT YouTube2Text

YouTube2Text → Transcripts → The Top 6 Habits Destroying Your Relationships! - Lewis Howes

The Top 6 Habits Destroying Your Relationships! - Lewis Howes — Transcript

by The Diary Of A CEO · 18,241 words · 2,860 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

Open in transcriber Summarize with AI Download SRT/VTT

Full transcript

0:00could you do me a quick favor if you're
0:01listening to this please hit the follow
0:02or subscribe button it helps more than
0:04you know and we invite subscribers in
0:06every month to watch the show in person
0:08am i doing everything in my power to
0:10live the way i want to live because if
0:12it could be over in a moment i got to
0:13shift my attention to things that really
0:15matter our next guest has quite a resume
0:18a former professional football player
0:19turned lifestyle entrepreneur who was
0:21making millions of dollars in helping
0:23others achieve their dreams new york
0:24times best-selling author school of
0:26greatness please welcome lewis you have
0:29been very very open about the abuse you
0:32suffered when you were five i mean i
0:33knew something was wrong i knew
0:34something was off every single day for
0:3725 years i thought about it i needed to
0:39heal the memories of the past in order
0:41to create a
0:42healthy relationship with myself and
0:44others in the present the challenge is
0:46most men have not been taught how to
0:49effectively communicate their guilt
0:52their insecurities
0:53constantly working on yourself is huge
0:56in intimacy in relationships what is the
1:00single biggest killer of relationships
1:02i'm gonna say something right now that
1:04you're probably not gonna like
1:07so without further ado i'm stephen
1:09bartlett and this is the diary of a ceo
1:11i hope nobody's listening but if you are
1:14then please keep this to yourself
1:17[Music]
1:23lewis
1:24i have to start with a with a point of
1:26gratitude which is thank you so much for
1:28doing this you are and i don't say this
1:29lightly but you are one of the real
1:31inspirations for me in this whole
1:33podcasting content space because you've
1:35been you're like the goat in my eyes
1:37you've you're the guy that did it first
1:39in in our space and did it best at the
1:41same time but not just that when i got
1:43to meet you maybe a month ago in dubai i
1:46was pretty much in awe of a bunch of
1:48things that i noticed about you that
1:50really set you apart one of them was
1:51this real
1:53unbelievable self-awareness which i
1:54talked to my team about before you got
1:55here i said he's one of the most
1:56self-aware guys that i've ever met
1:58because he's done and doing the work and
2:00the second thing is there's actually
2:02probably three things that come to mind
2:03the second thing is your genuine
2:05curiosity about humans on a very
2:08deep level because we'd be having we
2:10were having a conversation at 2 a.m in a
2:11bar and if there was a moment of silence
2:14it would be interjected by you with like
2:16a tell me three things that you're your
2:18biggest failings in life or three things
2:20and i just thought
2:21this is a guy that doesn't want to mess
2:23around at surface level with small talk
2:24and things that don't matter and then
2:26the third point which kind of links to
2:28those two in some way is your
2:30unbelievable ability to speak and
2:34deliver a concept or an idea with wisdom
2:37and a personal anecdote attached in a
2:39way that's captivating to the point that
2:41people don't tune out when you're
2:42talking and i don't i'm not blowing
2:44smoke up your ass but i genuinely was
2:46like i need to learn this
2:48specifically that delivery of ideas and
2:50having seen you on jay's and tom bill
2:52used podcasts i saw it then again and
2:54it's a culmination of all that
2:55self-awareness and practice but there
2:57was something else which you
2:59showed me when we were in dubai having
3:00that conversation at 2 am in the morning
3:02which is where i wanted to start our
3:04conversation today which was the the
3:05screen saver of your phone
3:07that really stayed with me yeah
3:11can you tell me what the screensaver of
3:12your phone is
3:14this is uh yeah i don't know if you guys
3:15for those watching on youtube i don't
3:17know if you guys can see this but this
3:18is a photo of myself uh when i'm
3:20probably about five years old
3:22and
3:24i put it on there a year ago because i
3:27was doing some intensive
3:29i would say inner child healing with a
3:31therapist i was working in in a in
3:33another relationship that i was ending i
3:35was ending a relationship and i realized
3:37that in relationships
3:40in the past i was repeating a pattern of
3:43people pleasing of saying yes to things
3:46that i didn't want to say yes to of
3:48changing and shifting who i
3:50authentically was in order to try to
3:52please or make someone else happy
3:55and a lot of it came from the dynamics
3:57of my childhood from being sexually
3:58abused from having just
4:01a challenging let's say family dynamic
4:04with parents and things like that and so
4:05for years i was never taught on how to
4:08deal with my
4:09inner child
4:10i never was taught how to
4:12heal the things that i was really
4:14wounded as a child and so
4:17having these experiences of intensive
4:19emotional intelligence and therapy
4:21training
4:22on dealing with previous relationships
4:24and then in the current relationship
4:26was extremely helpful for me and my my
4:28therapist said we got to heal that part
4:31of your life
4:32that is attached to a memory of a wound
4:35and unless you heal that you're to keep
4:37repeating certain patterns and so that's
4:39why i have that on there and i'm
4:40actually going to change it to a
4:41different
4:43period of time in my life when i was
4:44about 11 to 12.
4:46that's the next phase of growth for me
4:48is to actually heal that next stage
4:50so that's why i do it what was the world
4:53and the perception of the world that
4:55that five-year-old lewis house saw and
4:57felt what was he feeling and seeing
5:00oh man
5:01he was abandoned he was abused he was
5:03taken advantage of he was unworthy he
5:06was unlovable
5:08and that was what i believed
5:10and so it's hard to create
5:13a meaningful
5:15relationship with myself and with
5:17another person
5:18if that story or narrative or belief was
5:22still there for me which it was
5:23unconsciously so i needed to heal the
5:26memories of the past in order to create
5:28a
5:29healthy relationship with myself and
5:31others in the present
5:33and where did that story come from that
5:36he was unlovable i've heard you describe
5:38yourself even as thinking you were dumb
5:40thinking you you couldn't
5:42you weren't worthy of friendships and
5:43things like that where did all of that
5:45i mean it was all from
5:47real life experiences and results that i
5:49was experiencing so
5:51just getting picked on as a kid feeling
5:53neglected from parents and family
5:56members feeling you know again sexual
5:58abuse that i dealt with
6:00and struggling throughout school my
6:02entire childhood until it took me seven
6:04years to finish college i was in the
6:05bottom of my class in school
6:07elementary middle and high school
6:10and so the narrative was there were real
6:12world results that were showing me that
6:14i was unlovable or being taken advantage
6:16of or abused or these things
6:18and so that stayed with me and this is
6:20why i built a persona
6:23or really a mask i tried to mask it and
6:25defend myself by becoming a great
6:27athlete by getting bigger faster and
6:29stronger so that i could defend myself
6:32against the feeling of being taken
6:34advantage of or abused but that didn't
6:36leave me feeling fulfilled it left me
6:38feeling angry and resentful
6:40when you were you you
6:43have been very very open about the abuse
6:45you suffered when you were five from a
6:48babysitter's son i believe yeah
6:52did you understand at the time that it
6:54was abuse
6:56no i had no idea i mean i knew something
6:58was wrong i knew something was off
7:01but i didn't know i mean as a
7:03five-year-old i don't think anyone
7:04really knows how to
7:05emotionally handle that or emotionally
7:08regulate or understand what's really
7:09happening at that time
7:11but it was something that i lived with
7:12for
7:13every single day for 25 years i thought
7:15about it i thought about the instant
7:17whether it be consciously or
7:18unconsciously it was coming up it might
7:21be a second or it might be minutes long
7:23of a memory but it came up pretty much
7:25every every day for 25 years until
7:28i went through it a
7:30transformational workshop experience
7:32that got me to finally face it and it
7:34wasn't until i faced it
7:37and started to integrate the healing of
7:39that moment that
7:42i felt like i was a prisoner for so long
7:44until it set me free of actually talking
7:46about my shame expressing it
7:48communicating it with my friends my
7:50family and then eventually i did a
7:52podcast about it
7:53which took me about six months to
7:55publish because i recorded it and i
7:58waited six months because i said if
7:59people knew this about me no one would
8:01love me my business is over
8:03i'm gonna have no friends if people
8:05actually knew how shameful
8:09this thing was for me and i think that
8:11was the biggest fear but what i realized
8:13this was back in 2013
8:16i mean the end of 2013 early 2014.
8:19and i thought my i literally thought my
8:22life was over i was like no one is gonna
8:24love me but i i also thought to myself
8:28i can no longer be a prisoner inside
8:30with this information i need to let it
8:32out
8:33and if i can help one man
8:35heal from what they've been through then
8:37it's worth it i'm happy to lose
8:39everything if i can help one man
8:41and it was one of the most
8:43profound experiences and and really
8:46spiritually freeing experiences of my
8:49life was opening up talking about it and
8:52the aftermath was so powerful
8:56for weeks i was getting essays from men
8:58opening up saying
9:00you know i'm married i've got three kids
9:03i'm 55.
9:04my wife and kids don't know and i've
9:06been holding this with me for this long
9:08it happened to me when i was 11. you
9:09know men opening up about all the
9:11different experiences of sexual abuse or
9:13trauma that they face with
9:15the challenge is most men have not been
9:18taught how to effectively communicate
9:22their shame their guilt their
9:24insecurities
9:25there's not many guys that grow up i
9:28don't think you had guy friends when you
9:29were 12 15 18 23 saying you know what
9:33can we just have a coffee and talk about
9:34how shameful i feel about my
9:36my uh my past right now or i don't only
9:39feel that good today let's talk about it
9:41or my body image is kind of off like we
9:43don't do that generally as men we're not
9:45taught how to do that in society but
9:47when you ask women
9:49how often do you meet with a girlfriend
9:52on a weekly basis to talk about your
9:54shame your insecurities the challenges
9:56you're dealing with in your
9:57relationships
9:58struggles at work
9:59whatever it might be
10:01women typically say they they meet with
10:03their girlfriends every week if not
10:05every single day they'll have a
10:06conversation with a girlfriend a sister
10:08a mom about a challenge or just what's
10:10on their mind
10:12but we just haven't been taught that so
10:13i started i really wanted to change the
10:15narrative
10:16and be a model
10:18there was no one that looked like me
10:20growing up that talked about these
10:22things there was no athlete that i
10:24admired that was like on tv saying i've
10:27been sexually abused or i went through
10:29childhood trauma or i didn't love myself
10:32or i struggled with insecurities growing
10:34up i just didn't see that growing up as
10:37a kid
10:38so my goal was to be a model of saying
10:40you know i'm willing to lose everything
10:43if i can help men heal because i truly
10:46believe
10:47a lot of the pain caused in the world is
10:50caused by men who have massive wounds
10:53who are reactive because they don't know
10:55how to handle
10:57or regulate their emotions and so they
11:00react in certain scenarios whether it be
11:02domestic violence domestic abuse war
11:06uh just reactions on social media
11:08causing more stress screaming in a
11:10workplace whatever it might be
11:12driving here in london just people
11:13honking at the horn because they're they
11:15don't know how to handle their inner
11:17wounds their emotional regulation
11:19and i feel like if all humans but men
11:22specifically can continue to learn these
11:24tools it'll be powerful
11:26but we weren't taught this in school
11:27there was nothing in school that was
11:29like
11:29okay emotional regulation 101 class
11:32there was none of this it was just suck
11:34it up be a man toughen up
11:37don't you know we don't talk about these
11:38things so
11:40and i think the world has been shifting
11:42over the last four or five years as well
11:43where it's more acceptable for men to
11:45talk about it with
11:47you know social media in a good sense
11:48allowing men to be more vulnerable and
11:51kind of lifting these conversations up
11:53about mental health so
11:54i'm seeing that shift but i just didn't
11:57see that or have a model when i was
11:58growing up in terms of models when you
12:00were growing up could you tell me a
12:02little bit about the dynamics of your
12:03parents as well because i've heard you
12:04describe the early life
12:07and um
12:08yeah the quote that i read from you was
12:11that they were miserable times and the
12:12tension in the house impacted
12:14you and your siblings yeah i mean
12:16i grew up
12:19it's challenging because my father just
12:21passed away a month and a half ago and
12:24for 17 years he
12:28he got in an accident 17 years ago with
12:30a car accident where a car came up on
12:33his car hit him through the windshield
12:35and split his head open he was in a coma
12:37for a few months
12:39had severe brain trauma stayed alive
12:41miraculously but just had a challenging
12:4417 years where he never fully recovered
12:46so it was a it was an interesting
12:47dynamic with my dad the last 17 years
12:51growing up as the youngest of four
12:53my siblings i feel like probably had it
12:56worse than me
12:57they had to deal with you know 20 year
12:59old
13:01parents my parents were 20 when they had
13:03my brother and then 24 when they had my
13:05sister and then 28 when they had my
13:07other sister then they had me at 31.
13:09so they had to deal you know grow up
13:11with parents who didn't have these tools
13:13either so i have a lot of grace for my
13:15parents because they didn't have the
13:16tools of emotional regulation or how to
13:18communicate effectively or how to
13:20process wounds and i think if you don't
13:22know how to process wounds it's going to
13:24be hard to just interact
13:26without being defensive or reactive or
13:28you know all these different things
13:30passive aggressive
13:32so i grew up for the first 13 years of
13:34my life
13:36in fear
13:37in fear
13:38i knew my parents loved me but there was
13:40this like energy that felt fearful and i
13:44was afraid of my father
13:47he was pretty angry he was an angry guy
13:49and he
13:50would he was super loving but then he
13:52would explode at times because he didn't
13:54know how to process emotions
13:57and he had wounds and so that was the
13:59challenging thing it was it was
14:00confusing and they weren't
14:03loving towards each other so i didn't
14:05feel safe
14:07my brother went away to prison when i
14:09was eight years old for for four and a
14:10half years so every weekend we would
14:12travel two years two hours to go to a
14:16prison visiting room and see my brother
14:18for a few hours so i was exposed to
14:21things that i probably shouldn't have
14:22been exposed to at eight years old until
14:2312
14:25which expanded my mind and my my my
14:28world view and my perception of people
14:31but also it's just challenging to have a
14:33sibling in jail for that long and
14:35dealing with the dynamics of that
14:37yeah it was just a
14:39it was a challenging time but at 13
14:42i begged my parents to send me away i
14:44went to a private boarding school at 13
14:47uh from middle school and high school
14:48and
14:49i couldn't get away fast enough they
14:51didn't send me away because i was a bad
14:53kid i begged them to send me away
14:55because i didn't feel safe at home i
14:57really want to dig into that what was it
14:59your dad's anger
15:01and his anger directed i guess uh
15:03you or your siblings or all of us yeah
15:05all of us but it wasn't all the time you
15:07know so again he was a loving guy he
15:09would tuck me into bed at night he would
15:10play catch with me in the backyard but
15:12then there'd be but then it'd be an
15:13explosion
15:15and we just didn't know when it would be
15:17and so the beautiful part about my dad
15:19is he had a massive transformation when
15:21i turned 13. he started to dive into the
15:24emotional intelligence training
15:26workshops and and seeking
15:28wisdom on how to process his emotions
15:31and he had incredible you know healing
15:33transformation so from 13 to 21 i had
15:36this incredible relationship with my dad
15:39he would fly out to all my games he
15:41would be so loving and supportive he
15:43wasn't angry he wasn't reactive he had
15:45this transformation so it's almost like
15:47i had two lives with my dad the first
15:50half of first 13 years
15:53i loved him but i was also afraid of him
15:5613 to 21 he was like my best friend and
15:59so when he got in his accident when i
16:00was around 21.
16:02it was devastating because now i didn't
16:04have a mentor that now was showing up in
16:07a different way was loving was
16:09vulnerable i saw him cry a lot more i
16:10saw him just be sensitive
16:13so when he got his accident i didn't
16:15have that anymore he wasn't able to have
16:16that relationship with me because of the
16:18brain accident
16:20and this was a time when i felt like i
16:21needed it the most right i went to go
16:23play arena football
16:25i went to go chase a dream i got injured
16:28in at the end of the first season had a
16:29surgery with my wrist
16:32and
16:33at that time was 2000 end of 2007 2008
16:36the economy was crashing in usa
16:38people weren't hiring
16:40those who had master's degrees i barely
16:42graduated with a you know just a general
16:44degree
16:45i'm living on my sister's couch for a
16:46year and a half i've got no money i've
16:48got no mentorship from my father
16:51and so in a sense
16:53it was almost like
16:55this is the weird thing when i reflect
16:57back on it because
16:58i don't think i would be the man i am
17:00today without his accident although i
17:02wish he didn't have the accident
17:04i don't think i'd be in service i don't
17:06think i would care about people as much
17:08i don't think i'd be on a mission to
17:10want to change lives and serve millions
17:12of people around the world i don't think
17:13it'd be doing an interview show or a
17:15podcast i don't think you'd be writing
17:16books or all these things
17:18but something shifted within me
17:20because he was physically alive but
17:22emotionally and mentally not there so i
17:25didn't have that access to a
17:26relationship
17:28something shifted in me where i couldn't
17:29rely on him for money for kind of that
17:32wisdom
17:33i had to
17:35i just had to unleash something new
17:38that was that i didn't think was inside
17:40of me and i don't know if your parents
17:42are still around or if your dad is still
17:43oh yeah yeah
17:45something shifted in me 17 years ago
17:48when
17:49my dad got in the accident and then
17:51something shifted even more in the last
17:53month and a half when he passed
17:56that it's hard to explain i don't know i
17:59haven't really fully processed it it's
18:00still kind of a processing time
18:02and there's some a lot of gratitude and
18:04memories but a lot of sadness tied to it
18:08but i just don't think i'd be the man i
18:10am without his accident because it made
18:12me unleash something inside of me that
18:16was untapped when i met you in dubai
18:19every topic you talked on you talked on
18:22as if you'd processed it and done work
18:23on it and you had a perspective on it
18:25and then when you spoke about your dad
18:27it was
18:29like the end of what we call a
18:30cul-de-sac getting to the end of the
18:31street where there's nowhere else to go
18:33it was like you hadn't the conversation
18:35ended there
18:36and you would look down at the floor
18:38yeah and i knew i'm so sorry to hear of
18:40your loss by the way but i could see
18:41that it was still something that you're
18:43like there was two kind of suspicions i
18:45had one was that
18:46you you were still processing it of
18:47course yeah but the second was that
18:49there was a profound lesson somewhere
18:52there because of the pause you took and
18:53the way that you looked at the floor and
18:55but on every other topic you were like
18:57illuminated it's the best way to
18:59describe it you see what i mean yeah i
19:01think one of the things that it taught
19:02me 17 years ago was that
19:05my dad also felt larger than life i
19:07don't know if your father felt that way
19:08it feels that way as well yeah but he
19:10felt large in life he was extremely
19:13intelligent and smart
19:15he was
19:17a very charismatic he was
19:19resourceful talented he was
19:22he he was a big lover he loved people
19:24and he gave his heart in a big way after
19:27this transformation
19:29and he cared deeply about relationships
19:31like i witnessed things he did that
19:33brought smiles to people's faces all the
19:35time
19:37which is probably a lot of things that
19:38i've like translated in my own life but
19:41one of the things that taught me was
19:43that if this can happen to a guy who
19:45feels larger than life in a moment when
19:47he was on vacation with his then uh you
19:50know partner at the time not my mother
19:52they got divorced but they were on
19:54vacation having a great time if this
19:56could happen in a moment
19:57at any time
19:59then it brought so much urgency to my
20:01life to make sure i pursue the things
20:03that really are meaningful to me
20:05and for years there were things that i
20:07had to do that i wasn't like love i had
20:08to work really hard to get to that place
20:11when i was broke and had no money on my
20:12sister's couch it wasn't like this all
20:14just unfolded perfectly it was years of
20:17effort work late nights all that stuff
20:20but it made me just say what is my
20:22mission what's my intention for this
20:24season of my life and am i doing
20:26everything in my power to live the way i
20:28want to live because if it could be over
20:30in a moment
20:31i got to shift my attention to things
20:33that really matter and so that was a big
20:35powerful shift for me and when he passed
20:37last month
20:39it made it even clearer you know there's
20:41so many
20:42opportunities for someone like yourself
20:44and myself at this stage of our life and
20:46our careers
20:49and a lot of opportunities can seem
20:50incredible here's a big money-making
20:52opportunity here's a cool project i can
20:54do with someone here's these things that
20:55are coming my way
20:57but if it's not aligning to
20:59my mission of something greater
21:01if it's not aligning to my ultimate
21:03level of joy and authentic power then
21:05should i be doing it right now if it was
21:07all over in a day and a month in a year
21:10is this something i would say yes to and
21:11so it's just bringing me closer to that
21:13awareness
21:15that how it could all be over in a
21:17moment and it brings the energy back to
21:19like my relationship with my girlfriend
21:20i'm like
21:22if it was over tomorrow am i doing and
21:25saying what i need to say today and
21:27that's been a powerful thing for me
21:29there's a real
21:31i mean i always reflect on this that
21:33brony ware who was the palliative nurse
21:34who interviewed people in their last
21:35days and the retrospective clarity
21:38people must have in their last days
21:39about what they did and didn't do yeah
21:40right is so so empowering but as you say
21:43there one of the things that terrifies
21:45me is my dad is ill he's like not in
21:47good health and he's
21:49he's outlived his siblings and his life
21:52if you look at it in any kind of
21:53comparative measure was way more
21:55stressful than them and his brother died
21:56of a heart attack and his brother died
21:57younger than he is now so this thing is
22:00haunting me almost in the back room
22:02and the haunting thing is like what
22:04should i be doing now my relationship
22:06with my dad isn't particularly strong
22:09um you know what i mean
22:11how often do you see them a year
22:15through
22:16three four times okay
22:18this my friend jesse etzler made this
22:20example one time to me
22:22uh and to like the audience he said
22:25and his father just passed away actually
22:27a couple weeks ago
22:28and he said my my parents are old
22:30they're in their 80s or something like
22:32that and um you know maybe they have
22:35five or ten more years but it's really
22:38five or ten more times with them if you
22:40only see them once or twice a year it's
22:42not five or ten years if you see them
22:44two three times a year
22:46maybe you have three times if it's a
22:48year maybe you have ten times if it's
22:50four years that you experienced a moment
22:54in person with your dad
22:55yeah hopefully he lives 10 20 years but
22:58two to three times a year is really 20
23:00times left
23:02with your dad
23:03and when we put it in i just got chills
23:05thinking about that when we put it in
23:06perspective like that are we
23:09giving as much as we could to the
23:11relationship
23:13are we
23:15opening up and healing certain things
23:16that maybe aren't aren't healed yet are
23:18we having the conversations that are
23:20unspoken and i think
23:23i feel like i did the best of my
23:24abilities to do that with where he was
23:26at emotionally and mentally
23:29and i would encourage you or anyone
23:30listening or watching to
23:32to ask themselves on a scale of one to
23:34ten how is my relationship with my
23:36father my mother
23:38and
23:40if it's not above a seven
23:42right now
23:43what can you do not about them even if
23:45they're the parent what can you do
23:48to
23:49reach out and communicate
23:51how can you take responsibility for your
23:53part of that relationship
23:55and you just never know in any moment
23:58what if someone's not listening to this
23:59now and they think well my parents or my
24:01dad or my mum or whatever was abusive or
24:03toxic or whatever to me is
24:06i think you got to ask yourself if they
24:07died today would i be happy with how i
24:11communicated how i showed up
24:13and maybe that means you need to disown
24:15your parents for a season of life
24:17because you're not able to get along
24:19but are you still happy if you did that
24:21with everything you tried to do from a
24:23loving calm
24:24healed place it's your healing journey
24:27it's not about what they do or what they
24:28didn't do it's about your healing
24:30journey and i look at it as a gift from
24:32everything i experience from my
24:34childhood you know i don't look at it as
24:35a painful thing anymore you know i'm not
24:37living in fear from the memories of my
24:39past anymore i look at it as god i'm so
24:41grateful that i grew up
24:43feeling insecure unlovable
24:46and really dumb
24:48because i care deeply about loving other
24:50people i care deeply about
24:52being a good listener and showing people
24:54how much i care
24:56i care deeply about wisdom and knowledge
24:58in a different way not just from school
25:00and books but from interactions with
25:02human experiences adventure learning new
25:05skills and hobbies
25:07and just progressing as a human
25:09and i think
25:11you know even from the sexual abuse i'm
25:13not mad at it anymore i'm not hurt by it
25:16anymore
25:17i hope it never happens to anyone in the
25:19history i don't wish it on anyone but i
25:22also know that it gave me an incredible
25:24gift because
25:25i've healed from it i've taken my power
25:27back from that
25:28and i know that it's benefited me now
25:31because i've rewrote in the story
25:34about what it means about me and i think
25:37if we can rewrite those stories in an
25:39empowering way then we are not powerless
25:41we're powerful
25:44to that point of your healing journey
25:45though
25:46you describe your life in these three
25:48sort of sections right you've got the i
25:50think it's the the preteens yeah and
25:52then it's like the team to 22 and then
25:54it's the
25:54is it for and then the 20s and then the
25:5630s right yeah the 20s phase as i read
25:58it as i read through the whole all the
26:00experiences on you you know your
26:01sister's sofa the linkedin stuff you've
26:03done felt a little bit like you were
26:05finding yourself yeah of course yeah and
26:07then post 30s
26:09it's it feels like the work really
26:11started to begin i mean 30 is when
26:13everything started to change because
26:14that's the moment
26:17i allowed myself to be vulnerable for
26:18the first time i just thought i had it
26:20figured out and what i realized is i
26:22knew nothing there were symptoms
26:25of an internal conflict that suggested
26:27to you that you didn't have it figured
26:29out of course yeah
26:31i mean
26:32i mean getting in fist fights on a
26:34basketball court in a in a pickup game
26:36that's supposed to be fun and reacting
26:39so much to
26:40someone jabbing me you know in the ribs
26:42or or smack talking me talking bad or
26:45just like talking trash and being so
26:48reactive
26:49she's getting it like you're
26:52extremely explosive
26:53again it was more of like i didn't heal
26:56a lot of things from my childhood it
26:58wasn't like one thing for my dad or the
27:00sexual abuse it was kind of like
27:02the entire childhood all the stories and
27:05all the examples that made me feel like
27:07i'm not lovable or i'm someone to be
27:09taken advantage of
27:11was still inside of me so it wasn't just
27:13one thing or one experience it was all
27:15of it that was building a case for me to
27:18be reactive and explosive and feel like
27:21uh you know the
27:22the world was just out to get me or
27:23something
27:26and when i learned
27:27the art of emotional regulation that's
27:30when everything started to change and i
27:32learned a part of that at 30
27:35until 37
27:37but in intimate relationships i still
27:40hadn't learned how to
27:42fully love and honor my authentic power
27:46i still gave in because i deeply wanted
27:49people to like me i deeply wanted the
27:51person that i was giving my heart to
27:53to love and accept me
27:55and yet i was choosing people
27:57based on a wound still from
28:00my parents
28:01from my mom you know
28:04giving in from my mom not feeling
28:05probably loved and accepted and kind of
28:07repeating that pattern of her
28:09with my dad i was finding
28:12partners like that and i was
28:14taking on the mother role
28:16like kind of what my mom was taking on
28:18and i was giving in i watched her give
28:20in over and over and over to my dad and
28:22never stand up for who she truly was
28:25you know this is all unconscious it
28:27wasn't until about a year ago when i
28:28started to learn this and process it
28:30so i was choosing partners
28:32that after a period of time
28:34they would get upset at me over and over
28:36of lots of different things they just
28:38weren't happy with who i was or the
28:40actions or decisions or
28:42things i did in my business or whatever
28:44whatever it was that made them feel like
28:46they were
28:47insecure or something same
28:49and so i would say okay
28:51i'll change this to make you happy okay
28:53you don't like me doing this okay i'll
28:54stop doing this okay you don't like me
28:57salsa dancing you don't like me
28:58traveling you don't like me speaking you
28:59don't like me doing okay like whatever's
29:01gonna make you happy because there was
29:03love there and i thought
29:05that when you love someone you'll do
29:06whatever you can to make that love
29:09stay to make it last and so i would give
29:12and give and give
29:14up who i was in order to create peace
29:18and love
29:19and what i was doing was creating
29:21incredible pain
29:23resentment and anger and frustration was
29:26inside of me of the person
29:27of the relationship and of myself
29:30because you were abandoning yourself
29:32abandoning myself over and over again
29:35and i didn't know how to say no
29:38and how how to
29:40be around someone who was unhappy with
29:43me in intimacy i could do this in
29:45business and friends but in intimacy
29:46when there was love
29:48i didn't know how to say no and so i
29:50just gave in to create peace
29:52and what i realized is that
29:55you know i was looking to create to buy
29:58peace by abandoning myself but you can't
30:00buy peace
30:02we must be peace
30:03and if someone is okay with that great
30:05if they're not then maybe you're not in
30:07alignment
30:08and that's okay but i was not willing to
30:10let go of the feeling of love it was a
30:12false love it wasn't authentic love
30:14because authentic love is accepting the
30:16person for who they are
30:18and them accepting you for who you are
30:20it's not trying to change the person if
30:22you're trying to change someone you
30:23shouldn't be with them we should be
30:24elevating each other to grow but if
30:27there are fundamental things about you
30:29that i don't like
30:30and i'm trying to change you why am i in
30:32a relationship with you go find someone
30:34that you don't need to change
30:35and vice versa and so my girlfriend
30:37martha i was like listen
30:40we started dating and i'd done
30:42months of this healing work and finally
30:44started the process and feel this inner
30:46peace i said listen i'm going to be 100
30:48authentic to who i am i'm going to
30:51obnoxiously be myself around you and i'm
30:54letting you know i want to i want to be
30:56so obnoxiously myself
30:58that i i hope you run away i hope you
31:00run away because
31:02i'm never going to change i'm not going
31:03to change for you or anyone else i'm
31:05going to evolve i'm going to constantly
31:07improve grow
31:09i want you to be willing to give me
31:10feedback but i'm not going to change
31:12of something you're unhappy about about
31:14me
31:16here are my values here's my vision
31:18here's my lifestyle this is what i'm
31:19going to be doing i'm not going to
31:20change this stuff just letting you know
31:23and it's been a beautiful journey
31:25because it's amazing just to see what
31:27it's like having authentic trust and
31:30someone receiving you for a hundred
31:31percent who you are and feeling like i
31:33can be myself i've never felt this until
31:35now it's beautiful
31:37it's such a
31:38important conversation because it's
31:40crazy man you described the reasons why
31:43in your trauma that that made you a
31:44people pleaser and do you know what's
31:46really interesting is when you told me
31:48that you were a people pleaser
31:50um i couldn't believe that i'm like what
31:52you big tough athlete man people pleaser
31:55carrick you know what i mean but it just
31:56it goes to show that that sort of that
31:58trauma in us yeah um
32:01is kind of agnostic to to our mask or
32:04absolutely you know certain
32:06and i when you told me that because we
32:08had a little bit of this conversation
32:10just a hint of it in when we met in
32:11dubai
32:12i realized that i've been a people
32:13please actually but i never thought i
32:15was in all of my relationships i think
32:18the significant reason why they failed
32:20is exactly what you've described i've
32:22gone in trying to compromise everything
32:24really oh my god
32:29just just to keep them and try and keep
32:31them happy um with me and in the short
32:34term that day fine
32:37you go any kind of mid to long term time
32:39horizon and it's resentment
32:47you know i take full responsibility for
32:48every relationship i've chosen and been
32:50in and stayed in
32:51because
32:53i could have gone out of any
32:54relationship at any moment
32:56but i was afraid and i lacked the
32:59really the self-confidence to step away
33:02because i was afraid of losing love
33:04but it's not real love if it's
33:06inauthentic if you're having to change
33:08who you are to make someone happy i just
33:10don't feel like that's real love
33:12i'm all for
33:14making adjustments in alignment with
33:15certain things but it shouldn't be
33:17changing your core essence of who you
33:19are to make someone happy that's not
33:21real love
33:22you said something to me which um really
33:24puzzled me because i've never heard it
33:26before which was when i said um i
33:28started talking to you about what things
33:29i should be compromising in my
33:30relationships and you went no compromise
33:33i mean
33:34for me i don't believe in compromising
33:37who i am
33:38yeah if you're like listen
33:40this week i want to go to this place for
33:42a restaurant and next week you can
33:44choose that's i guess a compromise of
33:46like activities yeah yeah but not
33:48compromising your core values and your
33:50authentic power if we are compromising
33:53our authentic selves
33:54we are essentially saying
33:57screw you to our creator you've created
34:00us for who we are and no i don't want to
34:02be this way for one human being because
34:04it doesn't make them feel good or makes
34:06them unhappy or they're afraid or scared
34:08as opposed to who can i be
34:11if i'm 100 myself in life
34:14and i'm not saying like if you've got
34:16flaws
34:17adjust those and prove those like i'm
34:19all willing to improve and adjust all my
34:22flaws but if it's something that's at my
34:23core is my personality i'm not changing
34:26for anyone
34:27why i want to be changing for one person
34:31that just doesn't seem like a good i
34:33don't know situation and i've done it
34:34for too long and with with martha your
34:36current partner yeah um you had a
34:38conversation very early on about your
34:41unwillingness to compromise your core
34:43values yes and my priorities and your
34:46priorities yes
34:48so tell me exactly what you mean by your
34:50priorities yeah how that was received
34:52man i told her probably like three
34:55months in as we
34:56i knew in the first night i met her i go
34:59i wanted to be single i was like just
35:02got done this healing journey get out of
35:04a relationship i was like i really want
35:05to be single for like a year and just be
35:08single
35:09and i met her
35:12before that time and i remember thinking
35:14uh crap there's something unique and
35:16special here on a different level more
35:19than just
35:20sexual attraction there's a spiritual
35:22connection there's something deeper that
35:24i can see a vision of something
35:26incredible
35:27that i couldn't do on my own right
35:31and i was like let me just string this
35:33along as far as i can before i get
35:35committed right let me just give it some
35:36space not jump into this thing too fast
35:38like let's just take it slow
35:40and after about three months i said to
35:42her i go listen i'm gonna tell you
35:43something that i don't think you're
35:44gonna like and i said this many times to
35:46her i go i'm gonna say something right
35:47now that you're probably not gonna like
35:50and i don't think any woman wants to
35:52hear this from a man i'm just letting
35:54you know and she's thinking i'm about to
35:55drop a bomb or something and i'm like
35:58you may not want to continue dating me
36:00after you hear this
36:02she was like what is it you know she's
36:03freaking out
36:05i go
36:06you will never be my number one priority
36:09never
36:12and i had an explanation i said listen
36:15my number one priority needs to be my
36:18health
36:19because without my health i can't fully
36:21show up for my number two priority which
36:23is my mission or my calling from god oh
36:25god he wasn't even number two louis and
36:27i said you're not number one and you're
36:29not number two
36:31you're number three
36:32and no woman wants to hear i'm the third
36:35priority in some man's life they need to
36:37make me number one i need to be thinking
36:39they need to think about me all the time
36:40i'm number one priority otherwise i'm
36:42out of here
36:43and it's not that she's not a number one
36:46top priority but health needs to come
36:48first
36:49at all times that doesn't mean all day
36:52i'm doing my health it's just i need to
36:54make sure every day i'm taking care of
36:55it this is a top priority if this is
36:58number two number three number 10 i'm
37:00not going to be good for you in our
37:01relationship i'm not going to have
37:02energy i'm going to be more
37:04moody so i need to make this a priority
37:07first
37:08for the second priority which is my
37:10mission my calling from god the universe
37:12the world whatever you want to call
37:13whatever's speaking through me
37:16into the existence because if that is
37:18not a high priority for me then i'm
37:20going to be unhappy because i'm gonna
37:22feel like there's something calling me
37:23in the world and i'm not doing it
37:25because i'm giving more time and
37:26attention
37:27to one person
37:29but if i'm healthy
37:31and working on myself if i am putting
37:34energy and time into my mission
37:36then you're going to have the most
37:38incredible relationship of your life
37:39because i'm going to be of service to
37:41you in such a high beautiful authentic
37:43way
37:44that you're going to be feeling like
37:45you're the number one priority
37:47but you just have to be an awareness
37:50that this is where i'm coming from and
37:51it doesn't mean i'm not going to be
37:53spending all my time with you and i'm
37:54free and we're not going to have an
37:56amazing life
37:57but you got to be aware this is my
37:58priorities and the crazy thing is
38:02right when i finished she said that's
38:04the most amazing thing i've ever heard
38:05because that's exactly what i've been
38:07looking for
38:08i've been dating guys with no purpose
38:11none of them had a purpose they made me
38:12their purpose
38:14and i was like no what's the thing you
38:15want to do in the world what's the
38:16calling you have and none of them had a
38:18calling
38:19they had stuffed activities they had
38:21hobbies but it wasn't like a main
38:24calling in the world
38:25and she was like you're the perfect
38:27match for me
38:28because you have a mission to serve the
38:30world and i'm cool with that were you
38:33trying to scare her off in a previous
38:35relationship i was trying to scare her
38:37off by saying
38:39i'm never going to change who i am based
38:40on a previous release based on
38:43five previous relationships it was based
38:44on every relationship before where i
38:47abandoned myself to try to make one
38:49person happy and create peace in an
38:52environment because there was never
38:53peace
38:54and it's my responsibility is my
38:56decisions by choosing these
38:58relationships by staying and by not
39:00leaving sooner and so it's never because
39:02i just wanted to fix the relationship i
39:04was like okay how can we make this
39:05better what mask have i got to wear
39:07exactly yeah and so
39:10man it's it's
39:11liberating and freeing and the only way
39:13this works
39:14is because
39:16this sounds bad i want to say something
39:18probably sounds bad
39:19i think my girlfriend would be
39:21okay with me saying this but
39:23the only way this works
39:26is i'm willing to walk away at any
39:28moment
39:29i don't want to walk away i want to be
39:31with this woman she's incredible she's a
39:33gift in my life
39:35but if it's not in alignment with her
39:37values her vision her lifestyle
39:40my values my vision my lifestyle and we
39:42don't fully accept who we are then we
39:44shouldn't be together and i want the
39:46best for her and i want the best for me
39:48so as sad as i would be i'm willing to
39:50walk away at any moment if it
39:52compromises
39:54giving up who i am
39:56and
39:57it brings me peace because i'm not
39:59attached
40:00i'm committed
40:02i'm holding it loosely you know i've got
40:05my hands wrapped around the relationship
40:06but i'm not suffocating the relationship
40:08i'm not squeezing it to death i'm like
40:10okay you can
40:11you want it you don't need it yeah i
40:13want it i'm committed i'm all in
40:16but i'm not going to change who i am
40:18yeah to force it
40:20i had a few words to say about one of my
40:21sponsors on this podcast my girlfriend
40:23came upstairs yesterday when i was
40:24having a shower and she said to me that
40:26she tried the heel protein shake which
40:27lives on my fridge over there and she
40:29said it's amazing low calories you get
40:31your 20 odd grams of protein you get
40:33your 26 vitamins and minerals and it's
40:34nutritionally complete in the protein
40:36space there's lots of things but it's
40:38hard to find something that is nice
40:40especially when consumed just with water
40:42and that is nutritionally complete and
40:44that has about 100 calories in total
40:48while also giving you 20 grams of
40:49protein
40:50if you haven't tried the keel protein
40:53product do give it a try the salted
40:55caramel one if you put some ice cubes in
40:57it and you put it in a blender and you
41:00try it is as good as pretty much any
41:02milkshake on the market just mixed with
41:04water it's been a game changer for me
41:06because i'm trying to drop my calorie
41:07intake and i'm trying to be a little bit
41:09more healthy with my diet so this is
41:11where heel fits in my life thank you
41:13hill for making a product that i
41:14actually like the salted caramel is my
41:16favorite i've got the banana one here
41:17which is the one my girlfriend likes but
41:18for me salted caramel is
41:21the one
41:23when you talk about priorities i was
41:24trying to in my head think of a
41:26a use of words that might be more um
41:30received better and it's funny because i
41:32was thinking about this table i was
41:33thinking there's
41:35this table
41:36now has two levels right the first
41:38foundation of this table you could call
41:39health right without that nothing else
41:41can sit on the table the second
41:42foundation could be mission and then the
41:43relationship sits on top of both and
41:46it's enabled by the foundation of my my
41:48health and my mission absolutely man i
41:49think if you kind of flip it it kind of
41:50sounds better
41:53like because effectively you're putting
41:54your health at the bottom which is yeah
41:56well sources still your foundation but i
41:58completely get that because at any time
42:00in my life where i've abandoned my my
42:02sense of mission
42:04i can only do that for a short period of
42:05time i can only fake that before i start
42:08to lose orientation in my mind and you
42:10resent yourself you represent the person
42:12you present the relationship and you're
42:13like
42:14you're not in love as much with the
42:16relationship because you feel like
42:17you're not it's not lifting you to your
42:19highest calling amen and i think
42:22the beautiful thing about martha in our
42:24relationship
42:25i think should be open with me talking
42:26about this
42:28but every relationship i've been in i
42:29was like i wonder what it would be like
42:31to start therapy in the beginning when
42:33everything is perfect so with martha i
42:36said in the beginning i said listen
42:38i'm doing therapy every two weeks i did
42:40this for the last year on my own
42:41individually i'm going to be doing it
42:43for this next year and years just as
42:45emotional accountability for myself in
42:47life business friends family like
42:49anything i need to process it's just
42:51good for me to clean
42:52the energy
42:54and not let things pile up
42:56and i said i'd love for us and she was
42:58doing this individually i said i'd love
43:00for us to do this together as we start
43:01to develop our relationship when things
43:04are great
43:05and actually see if we are in alignment
43:07and so two weekends ago we did a five
43:10hour session together with my therapist
43:12talking about expectations agreements
43:16values
43:17dreams vision
43:19and just processing anything we needed
43:21to process
43:23and it was such a powerful experience
43:26that
43:28when things are going good to continue
43:30to talk about vision casting what we
43:33want to build together not when things
43:35are going bad and it's really to talk
43:36about things that maybe
43:38we haven't fully been comfortable
43:39talking about yet and putting it out
43:41there
43:42as opposed to hiding things or waiting
43:44for things to come out later
43:46and it was such a powerful five-hour
43:48experience i mean it's very emotional
43:50and you're processing a lot and we're
43:52we're diving in deep exercises eye
43:54gazing talking about things like
43:58it's an emotional
43:59relationship workout yeah you'll save a
44:02lot of time and headache by going to
44:04therapy when things are great as opposed
44:05to when things are bad it's like that
44:07prevention versus reaction
44:09once it's read his ugly head and there's
44:11been some bust up you go to the gym
44:14not because you're sick but because
44:15you're healthy yeah to stay healthy
44:18you know not what not when your weight
44:19to get sick now i need to go to the gym
44:20yeah
44:21and i think who does that in
44:23relationships i don't know anyone who's
44:24done that you hear people say like
44:26before marriage we do like a pre-marital
44:28maybe
44:29relationship training with the churches
44:31or like a therapist but that's after a
44:33few years usually
44:35i just wanted to experiment
44:37i have no idea where it's going to go
44:39but i feel like um something's
44:41something's happening underneath the
44:43surface by both of us doing this
44:45together when things are good men just
44:47don't do this stuff lewis i'm thinking
44:49about my guy friends and i i can imagine
44:51some hesitancy towards them 100 because
44:54they just not it's all the things you've
44:55described they've won a mask of
44:56toughness we put them we keep keep the
44:58emotions in the back room you know what
45:00i mean and and also do you know what you
45:01know what as well guys don't love
45:05conflict with love fun man so they would
45:07probably see
45:08that as oh my god i'm going to get told
45:10off oh my god she's going to give me
45:12[ __ ] for that thing i do it's so hard
45:14man what you've described there that
45:15doing the
45:18making the roots go deeper
45:20again something i have to thank you for
45:22because we had a conversation about
45:24vision values and lifestyle oh and when
45:26i got back from dubai how'd it go
45:30i had a conversation with my girlfriend
45:31and she was all for it so
45:33on that table there and i said i spoke
45:35to louis and he talked about vision
45:38values and lifestyle so we sat there one
45:39night on the weekend
45:41lit a candle we were making some like
45:42pottery stuff and we said after we've
45:44done this we'll just write down our
45:45visions values and lifestyle and we'll
45:47go through them one one by one so like i
45:49speak on one you speak one that's
45:51beautiful it took about three hours and
45:54there were tears oh my god moments of
45:56joy
45:56[Laughter]
45:58but the conclusion was exactly what
46:00you've described there was all these
46:01little things
46:03i'll give you some detail give it to me
46:04how we when we go to sleep at night i
46:06like to go to sleep a certain way so i
46:08like something playing she likes silence
46:10oh but you haven't talked about it
46:11probably hadn't talked about it wow and
46:13it was one of the things just about like
46:14our sleep routine we're obviously gonna
46:16have to sleep in bed for many many years
46:17and we hadn't discussed it and i knew it
46:19was conflict i was getting in bed and
46:21knowing if i play this she's not gonna
46:22be happy but she might not say anything
46:24and so just talking it through and going
46:27look babe the reason why i listen to
46:29something when i go to sleep is because
46:31i've had 29 years of doing that when i
46:34lived in the countryside in plymouth i
46:36had a radio in my room and the kid in me
46:38found comfort in hearing a voice when i
46:39went to sleep you've had 29 years of
46:41doing it another way we've got to ask
46:43ourselves is it really a problem
46:45and we and that was the discussion like
46:47is it a problem if i say if i put an
46:49airport in
46:50because i'm not going to compromise
46:51right and
46:53if you you know you won't even hear it
46:54is it really a problem and then we
46:56discussed why she thought it might be a
46:57problem does that impact her intimacy
46:59well intimacies are suff you know and
47:00eventually we came to this conclusion
47:02and it's not an issue anymore and it was
47:04an issue in our relationship for about a
47:06year it was that niggling little you
47:08could feel the contempt and resentment
47:10slowly building and you guys were a long
47:11distance too right so so it wasn't like
47:14you weren't sleeping it wasn't every
47:15every every day for months no so you
47:18like a couple weeks at a time
47:20yeah but when you're gonna be more
47:21together consistently it could be a
47:22problem yeah that's one of the list of
47:24about 30 things that we
47:27we addressed and worked through and more
47:29than anything coming out the end of that
47:30exercise which is something i've never
47:32done with any partner i've ever had i've
47:34never even had the conversation you just
47:36crash no you don't i didn't learn this
47:38until like two years ago yeah you just
47:40just you just get on with life right you
47:42just
47:43try to keep having fun experiences and
47:45avoid conflict the conflict i've had so
47:48many uncomfortable conversations with
47:50with martha that
47:52it's like a muscle you got to practice
47:54it and every time an uncomfortable
47:55conversation comes up
47:57i have to breathe i'm like oh man i feel
47:59tense yeah i don't want to do it i don't
48:01like it i don't think anyone likes it
48:03but the more we do it here's the thing
48:05we've created a safe space where
48:08and the reason i don't like to do it or
48:10haven't like to do it until now
48:13is because every time i would have an
48:14uncomfortable conversation before the
48:16partner i had could not handle it
48:18so i'd say here's how i'm feeling and
48:21they couldn't handle it or there'd be an
48:22explosion or reaction or something so it
48:24didn't make me feel safe to have the
48:26uncomfortable conversation so i would
48:27avoid it amen and with martha i said to
48:30her listen
48:33like the first one come from a
48:34conversation i go
48:36she asked me a question about something
48:38that was kind of like
48:39i can't remember exactly what it was but
48:40i remember like hmm should i tell her
48:42the truth or should i
48:44cut us a little bit of the truth you
48:46know and i go
48:47do you want me to be 100 honest with you
48:49and she said yes always i go are you
48:52sure you want me to be 100 honest she
48:54said yes and i go okay let me ask you
48:56one more time
48:57and the reason i'm asking is because
49:01i've never met someone who can hold the
49:03space for my honesty
49:05without
49:06reacting or crying or screaming or
49:09running away
49:10so are you saying you're you're
49:12emotionally available to hold the space
49:14for my honesty and truth she said yes
49:17i'm a grown woman i go interesting okay
49:19well here it is
49:21she was like
49:22thank you for your honesty
49:24and it built a
49:26one step okay let me try this again one
49:28more time and make sure she can really
49:30handle it
49:31and the more steps of her holding space
49:34for my honesty my vulnerability and not
49:37exploding or reacting makes me feel like
49:39okay i can say anything and she may not
49:42like it it may be uncomfortable but
49:44she's not explosive and that's a
49:46powerful
49:47thing of how can i
49:49be comfortable in the discomfort while
49:52also feeling safe that's
49:54huge
49:55and you've got to learn to practice that
49:57yourself in a relationship and not be
49:59reactive if a partner is telling you
50:01stuff about their past you don't like or
50:02what they did or this and that you got
50:04to be okay and practice it and they've
50:06got to be and that's where
50:08constantly working on yourself is huge
50:11in intimacy and relationships
50:13and if one person's doing that and the
50:15other person isn't there's going to be
50:17conflict yeah
50:19do you have a trainer when you work out
50:20yes
50:22have you had a business coach in the
50:23past
50:24or mentors
50:26would you stop getting coaching in
50:27business even though you've been so
50:29successful
50:30you want to stop even though you've got
50:31all this money and businesses and
50:32startups and investment
50:34you know dragons then
50:36you'd keep hiring a coach or have a
50:38mentor
50:39in business
50:40why would we not do that for our
50:42emotions and our heart
50:44it is the most powerful
50:47energy that we have emotions and our
50:49heart
50:50and yet
50:52we have a stigma around having a coach
50:54or mentor or a guide or a therapist
50:56whatever you want to call it of
50:58emotional regulation and accountability
51:01and people make so many mistakes in
51:03their lives
51:05by not having that
51:07regulated
51:08their reactions can have consequences
51:10for years
51:11people go to prison for one reaction
51:14people lose their entire business for
51:15one reaction people lose their marriages
51:18because of one emotional reaction
51:21this is one of the most powerful
51:23currencies in the world in my opinion is
51:25having
51:27power over your emotions
51:30not stuffing your emotions not saying
51:32they don't exist not acknowledging them
51:35but expressing them in a healthy
51:37way and in a healthy environment
51:40and when we learn that and i've been
51:42learning that over the last couple of
51:43years it's been an incredible shift in
51:44every area of my life
51:46and i also just feel an incredible sense
51:47of peace i'm not saying that
51:49i'm always going to be perfect in the
51:51future around this
51:52but showing up to someone twice twice a
51:55month
51:56and processing makes me a whole lot
51:58better
51:59you just reminded me of something that
52:01really stuck out to me when i first met
52:03you
52:03was
52:04when we were sat there and you're doing
52:06it again today you've done it three
52:07times today
52:09is
52:09you would say something
52:12and then you'd say
52:13and that's my responsibility
52:15so even when you were talking about
52:17previous relationships you've been and
52:18whatever else
52:20you would not blame the other person you
52:22would like aggressively not blame them
52:25in a in a really remarkable way so you'd
52:27say this happened this happened this
52:28happened this happened
52:30where any other human being i've ever
52:31met was was in their right to attribute
52:34the blame to the person and you would
52:35always end the sentence as you've done
52:36three times today with and that's on me
52:38or and that's my responsibility yeah
52:40why
52:41because i chose it i chose those
52:43experiences i chose those relationships
52:45i chose the environment i chose those
52:48people i chose to stay
52:50and it's my responsibility on how i show
52:52up and how i
52:55react how i respond and how i
52:57stay or leave but even when someone was
53:00toxic or whatever to you you say that
53:01was on me it's my responsibility because
53:03if someone does that
53:05and i stay with them that's on me that's
53:08me not standing up for myself it's me
53:10abandoning myself that's not on them
53:12they're living their life they're doing
53:14what they do naturally
53:16it didn't line up with me
53:18but i stayed so that's on me i can't
53:21expect someone else to change i can't
53:23expect someone else to respect my values
53:25my vision and my lifestyle
53:27they have theirs and they're showing it
53:30through their actions
53:31and their behaviors
53:33and so for me if i'm able to witness
53:35that and be aware and not have the false
53:37sense of love
53:39and be attached to the false sense of
53:40love that i'm feeling i'm having this
53:42feeling about this person and i want to
53:43get back to this healthy environment
53:45with this person
53:46i got to learn to let that go and that's
53:48why i say i can hold love in my hands
53:50loosely
53:52committed and excited about it
53:54but if it's not meant for me i shouldn't
53:56hold on to it and abandon myself and i
53:59think i did that too many times so
54:01that's 100 my responsibility can you run
54:03me through then because i know there's
54:04gonna be people that people listening to
54:06this that i've just had we both done
54:07this exercise and it was amazing and
54:09they're gonna they're now thinking what
54:10is the values part what is the vision
54:12problem what's the lifestyle part yeah i
54:13think the values is really about well
54:15for me the values is like okay
54:18i value health in my life
54:19i'm i'm gonna be focused on my health
54:22i value my mission my team my business
54:25like that's a conscious mission
54:27i value spending time with friends i
54:29value all my hobbies and activities
54:32that's salsa dancing that's traveling
54:34that's all these different things i
54:35enjoy doing
54:36i value
54:38conscious conversations
54:40like i want to have conscious
54:42conversations i can't have superficial
54:44conversations i literally met someone
54:45this morning before i came here
54:47um
54:48who was a part of a big company here in
54:50london
54:51and within two minutes i probably like
54:54shouldn't do this but
54:55i don't know if all british people are
54:57this way and it's not a bad thing but
54:59it's very good with like surface talk
55:01you know oh how was your how was the
55:03flight and uh what was the world order
55:04some
55:05or whatever it is you know and it's like
55:07which is fine but i just can't handle it
55:10after a few minutes so right away i i'm
55:12the person saying next to me
55:14i was like how's your marriage you know
55:17i just i was like how long have you been
55:19married for you know and she was like
55:21i've been married for like six years and
55:22i go
55:23what's three questions you wish you
55:24would have asked i literally did this i
55:26go what's three questions you wish you
55:28would have asked
55:29the day before you got married that you
55:31didn't ask because i'm just fascinated
55:33by people you know i'm curious i'm like
55:35how amazing has marriage been how's it
55:37been has it been healthy have you had
55:38challenges is there anything you wish
55:40you would have changed or talked about
55:42sooner
55:43and right away she's like opening up and
55:45like being vulnerable and i was like
55:47sorry to put this on you right now but
55:49i'm just fascinated
55:50because i want to learn from everyone
55:52and um
55:54so i was like i want to have conscious
55:55conversations it's one of my values so
55:57we have these deep intimate talks all
55:58the time
55:59and so i write down a list of all my
56:01values the vision is this is the vision
56:04for my personal life so personally i
56:06want to be
56:07working out i'm going to be healthy as
56:09an individual my vision is my
56:12my mission which is building a conscious
56:14business to serve millions of people to
56:16help them improve the quality of their
56:18life and this is a major priority to me
56:21this is my one and two priority this is
56:23my vision and also our relationship
56:26vision which i think
56:27is extremely important to talk about
56:29with your partner
56:31here's the vision i have for our
56:32relationship for these
56:35these couple years and for the future
56:37this is what i see
56:38with flexibility nothing's set in stone
56:40but this is what i see what is your
56:42vision for our relationship because
56:44maybe her or his vision is different
56:48one person wants to have kids the other
56:49person doesn't one wants to get married
56:50the other doesn't one wants an open
56:52relationship the other one doesn't want
56:53that one wants their family around every
56:55weekend the other one's like i don't
56:57want to be around your family every
56:58weekend
56:59so what is the vision of our shared
57:01relationship
57:03and then lifestyle i love
57:06you know
57:07traveling do you like to travel
57:10i love to watch these types of movies i
57:13like to eat these types of foods i like
57:14these types of experiences this is a
57:16lifestyle that i live
57:18if you have a completely different
57:19lifestyle that's going to be hard for us
57:22if you like to do none of those things
57:24if you like to stay at home every day
57:25where i want to go out and network with
57:27people and travel
57:29that's just going to be a top we're
57:30going to be butting heads a lot and
57:32there might be
57:33maybe it works but it might cause some
57:34friction and distance in the future so
57:37are we in alignment of values vision and
57:39lifestyle it doesn't have to be 100
57:41perfect but is there alignment in each
57:43category and i think the more alignment
57:45you have
57:46the more potential for a better
57:48healthier relationship
57:50and on things like work this is
57:51obviously a big one for ambitious people
57:53when they um
57:54when they're running a business they're
57:56career driven they're vision or mission
57:58driven and they have a partner
58:00i want to know from a work perspective
58:04what kind of conversation you've had
58:05with martha and vice versa because i
58:07know you're a guy that travels a lot
58:09does a lot of speaking is very you know
58:11in pursuit of yourself and your
58:12potential
58:14so how do you then balance like being a
58:17boyfriend being present going on dates
58:19and stuff what's the
58:20conversation when i first met her i said
58:23one of my values is alone time
58:25like that's one of my values as well is
58:27having
58:28alone time having enough space in our
58:30home so that i can go in the room and do
58:33what i want to do and watch sports or
58:34chill and you can do what you want to do
58:36and i feel like we have space
58:38it doesn't mean i don't want to be
58:39around her all the time but i also value
58:41my space and alone time and so does she
58:43so it's having those conversations
58:45and with with business i said listen if
58:47you can come on any trip like you're
58:48more than welcome to come i'd love for
58:50you to come
58:51but she's doing her own thing she's
58:52traveling as well back and forth from
58:54atlanta so
58:55um and she'll be filming two movies
58:57later this year and gone for two months
58:59at a time so i'll need to travel at
59:01those times and she'll travel with me
59:03and that's the season of our life right
59:04now
59:05and you're anticipating another season
59:07at some point i imagine
59:09at some point yeah i mean it may evolve
59:10may change in the family and all these
59:12other things so it's like when that
59:13season happens
59:15there may be less travel for her how do
59:17you feel about that about what about the
59:19next season that family because there's
59:21a smoke on your face which is why this
59:23is something that i say to her i go
59:24listen i'm really
59:26intentional about building a deep strong
59:28foundation let's keep building a strong
59:30foundation and everything else will
59:32follow
59:33if i feel a sense of peace i feel a
59:35sense of safety in this relationship
59:37just like you
59:38then all these other things are going to
59:40happen naturally and they'll probably
59:41happen fast
59:43naturally once we both have a deeper
59:44foundation and just experienced life
59:46more so have you historically had a
59:48commitment challenge 100 man 100 percent
59:51well actually i haven't had a commitment
59:53challenge because i've always been
59:54committed i've been in very long-term
59:56community relationships
59:58but i've had a commitment challenge in
1:00:00seeing
1:00:02around family and kids because i never
1:00:04trusted the person i was with fully so i
1:00:06couldn't see myself having kids with
1:00:08them and i kept
1:00:10waiting to see something to shift
1:00:13to where i felt like
1:00:15this was kind of where my head would go
1:00:16this is maybe weird but i would say if
1:00:18something ever happened to me could i
1:00:19trust this person would take care of my
1:00:21kids
1:00:23and i just never felt that because i
1:00:24never felt like i could trust him with
1:00:26me like again
1:00:27i take full responsibility and
1:00:28accountability because i chose people
1:00:32that didn't accept me fully that weren't
1:00:34happy with who i was
1:00:35and so that's on me
1:00:38and
1:00:38i never felt like i could go to the next
1:00:40level with any of them because i was
1:00:42like something's off inside and i feel
1:00:44like
1:00:45ah i'm changing who i am to make them
1:00:47happy and they're still not happy
1:00:49so i can't have kids with i can't see
1:00:51myself living like this for you know 20
1:00:53years with someone so
1:00:55and that kind of trauma that niggle is
1:00:56is that still inside you there somewhere
1:00:59as you think about it i think it was in
1:01:01the first maybe a few months of us
1:01:04dating
1:01:05but i don't feel like it is anymore yeah
1:01:07i feel like every day i create more and
1:01:09more peace and connection and safety
1:01:13and she's just an incredible person like
1:01:16she's just a
1:01:17great human being and trustworthy and
1:01:21so it's like even if something happened
1:01:22to me she could be incredible you know
1:01:24incredible mom so
1:01:26of all the things you've learned from
1:01:27your good and bad relationships if you
1:01:30were to have if i had to if i said to
1:01:31you that what is the single biggest
1:01:34killer of relationships what would your
1:01:36answer be
1:01:38uh i would say the biggest killer of
1:01:40relationships
1:01:43is being out of integrity with your
1:01:45authentic power and abandoning yourself
1:01:48to create peace
1:01:50in the relationship because
1:01:53if one person's doing that
1:01:56or two people are doing that
1:01:58there's some type of codependency
1:02:00there's some type of
1:02:03wound on why we're doing that that's
1:02:07creating that so for me
1:02:10the biggest killer is not healing
1:02:12that's the biggest killer whatever
1:02:14wounds we have
1:02:15be on the healing journey it's not it's
1:02:17not going to happen overnight it's not
1:02:19like a moment it's a journey of healing
1:02:21and i think
1:02:23the more people are willing to dive into
1:02:25their heart and their emotions
1:02:27and whatever
1:02:29insecurities wherever they feel
1:02:30triggered
1:02:31that's where you need to lean into
1:02:33because that trigger's going to come up
1:02:35into relationships big time if you
1:02:36haven't healed it so it's the emotional
1:02:39healing i think it's one of the most
1:02:40powerful things it's funny i interviewed
1:02:42a brain surgeon
1:02:44who'd done over a thousand brain
1:02:45surgeries and studied the brain and he's
1:02:48also a
1:02:49phd in neuroscience so he studies the
1:02:51mind and thoughts and he's a brain
1:02:54surgeon
1:02:55and i said what's the number one skill
1:02:57do you feel like human beings should
1:02:58learn to master
1:03:01and his answer was beautiful he said
1:03:02emotional regulation
1:03:04i was like i 100 agree
1:03:06because if we don't have the power to
1:03:09regulate
1:03:10our feelings around a situation and
1:03:12environment
1:03:14something that happens in events then
1:03:16that event has power over us as opposed
1:03:18to us over that moment
1:03:21and if it has power over us to where we
1:03:23react so strongly
1:03:26we need to ask ourselves why am i so
1:03:28triggered
1:03:29where is that one that's a wound
1:03:31somewhere where is that wound and how
1:03:33can i start the healing journey i'm not
1:03:35saying that things are gonna happen in
1:03:36life and you're never gonna feel
1:03:38something
1:03:39but just not react and be overwhelmed
1:03:41emotionally to where it takes you away
1:03:43from love and takes you away from your
1:03:45mission but if something is so strong
1:03:47that it causes you to lose sleep for
1:03:49three days or causes you to
1:03:51react in a negative way it's pulling you
1:03:54away from
1:03:55your heart from love and from your
1:03:57meaningful mission i think we just got
1:03:59to get back to okay why is this
1:04:01stressing me out how can i process this
1:04:04and integrate healing in a healthy way
1:04:06so that when life happens it doesn't
1:04:08pull me off my mission
1:04:10and that's
1:04:12something i've experienced for the first
1:04:14time in the last three months is really
1:04:15like life has happened in a big way for
1:04:18me
1:04:19it's
1:04:20sidetracked me a little bit but it's not
1:04:22pulling me off like i'm i'm needing to
1:04:24face it and deal with things and process
1:04:27but it's not like defeating me to where
1:04:29i feel like i'm exhausted
1:04:31and
1:04:32that's because i'm holding myself
1:04:34emotionally accountable and doing the
1:04:36work
1:04:37if i if someone's listening to this and
1:04:38they don't have a therapist they don't
1:04:40have the resources or whatever to have
1:04:42therapy how else can they go about
1:04:44developing the self-awareness required
1:04:46for that emotional regulation journey
1:04:50there's definitely things you can do on
1:04:51your own i would i would uh read a book
1:04:54called how to do the work
1:04:56by uh nicole lapera which gives you a
1:04:59lot of exercises and practices and
1:05:01things like that on how to do the work
1:05:03yourself so you can get the book for 25
1:05:05bucks and start there
1:05:08and start your own ritual and healing
1:05:10process whether it be journaling whether
1:05:12it be you know other different types of
1:05:14meditations things like that they have
1:05:15she has different rituals in there you
1:05:17can do
1:05:18but i would recommend i don't think
1:05:20there's anything more powerful than
1:05:21sitting in front of a human and talking
1:05:22to someone about how you feel or what
1:05:24you're going through so whether that's a
1:05:26priest or a parent or a teacher or you
1:05:29know a friend that you trust
1:05:31someone you feel like who has a little
1:05:33bit more wisdom than you
1:05:35i would start there
1:05:36until you can afford the therapy
1:05:38and in terms of emotional journeys
1:05:40you
1:05:42cite that you're still on one absolutely
1:05:44what are the things that you're now
1:05:45talking to your therapist about that
1:05:46you're trying to solve in yourself i had
1:05:48this photo for the last year
1:05:51i'll just show the camera the photo of
1:05:53my
1:05:54five-year-old self and in the last
1:05:56session i did with her
1:05:57it was all about um
1:05:59healing the inner child right it was all
1:06:01about healing the inner child and doing
1:06:03the
1:06:05the work i mean i did some weird stuff
1:06:07like putting myself in spiritual
1:06:12and mental environments where i'm
1:06:14talking
1:06:15to my five-year-old self and looking at
1:06:16my five-year-old self hugging my
1:06:18five-year-old self integrating my
1:06:21five-year-old self with my adult self
1:06:24and kind of re-parenting
1:06:26that psychological child
1:06:28some weird stuff but
1:06:30whatever reason it's worked for me
1:06:33because now i can look at a situation
1:06:35and say okay do i feel triggered oh
1:06:36where's that coming from is it from that
1:06:38hurt child if so all i need to do is
1:06:40have a conversation with that part of my
1:06:42mind
1:06:43and say i'm an adult now and the adult
1:06:46is here
1:06:47and i got your back i can take care of
1:06:49this i know how to process and soothe
1:06:51things in a healthy way i don't need to
1:06:53lean onto an addiction or reaction or
1:06:54whatever it may be to process
1:06:57i know how to handle this i know how to
1:06:58breathe i know how to take a walk i know
1:07:01how to have a conversation and process
1:07:03you're safe you're okay it's all going
1:07:06to be okay
1:07:07whereas before i didn't have that
1:07:08ability to communicate
1:07:11with a wounded part of myself
1:07:14and so now she said we've healed the
1:07:17five-year-old version of you that was
1:07:19sexually abused
1:07:21because i don't get triggered about it i
1:07:23don't get reactive to it i'm not
1:07:24defensive and guarded anymore
1:07:28and i'm also shifting the way i don't
1:07:30please people in relationships anymore
1:07:32so i've done a lot of things to do the
1:07:34work about intimacy and relationships
1:07:36and just in life
1:07:38she's like now
1:07:40and i go okay am i done because this is
1:07:41a lot of work you know it's like it's a
1:07:43lot you're diving into your emotions
1:07:44you're tapping into uncomfortable stuff
1:07:46you're like crying it's all these things
1:07:48she's like this is a journey do you want
1:07:50to go to the next level in your life are
1:07:51you satisfied i'm like okay you got to
1:07:53keep going you know there's always
1:07:55something else
1:07:56and so she's like we want to tap into
1:07:57the 11 to 12 year old self and
1:08:01she's like find a photo that's my next
1:08:03homework is to put a photo of myself
1:08:04when i was 11 or 12 and start healing
1:08:07that part of my life
1:08:09and there was a bunch of different stuff
1:08:10that happened in that phase that i
1:08:12haven't fully healed or forgiven myself
1:08:15and so that'll be the next work to do
1:08:18and it'll be like stages of life until i
1:08:20meet myself to where i am now
1:08:22interesting and healing and working on
1:08:25the evolution of all the memories of the
1:08:28past
1:08:29that wrote a story and developed
1:08:31chapters in a book
1:08:33that did not serve me it's like a script
1:08:36wasn't it yeah and rewriting the script
1:08:39and not diminishing the things that
1:08:40happened
1:08:42but acknowledging them and healing them
1:08:43in a different way and processing it in
1:08:45a healthy way
1:08:46so that i can meet myself where i'm at
1:08:48now
1:08:50and then really start elevating how much
1:08:52has
1:08:53doing a podcast
1:08:55where you sit with these people but also
1:08:57yeah right it's a game changer when i
1:08:59get the biggest like neuroscience i've
1:09:00had so many and this year has been like
1:09:02the year of therapists and
1:09:03neuroscientists and spiritual gurus and
1:09:06just being like
1:09:08figuring out more and more
1:09:10about emotions about regulation about
1:09:13healing about inner child work because
1:09:15i have people on there i'm like when i'm
1:09:17struggling with something in my life i
1:09:18bring those people on i'm like teach me
1:09:20how to like overcome this
1:09:22right it's incredible yeah and so my
1:09:23audience would be like oh louis is going
1:09:25through stuff with this oh louis is
1:09:26going through a breakout oh lewis is in
1:09:28a relationship
1:09:31it's amazing the other thing that i am i
1:09:34know a lot of people will
1:09:36will struggle with is the confidence to
1:09:38overcome some kind of fear you talked a
1:09:40little bit there about ourselves story
1:09:41and how that limits us one of the the
1:09:43fears i know you had in your life which
1:09:45is almost impossible to imagine based on
1:09:47the man you are sat in front of me today
1:09:48was that fear of public speaking huge
1:09:50fear man and i could not stand in front
1:09:53of
1:09:53two to three p friends in school
1:09:57and really even have a conversation like
1:09:59i didn't know how if someone asked me a
1:10:01question i would get nervous i couldn't
1:10:03even respond with really
1:10:05a small story just because i was so
1:10:08the story i told myself that i was so
1:10:09used to being made fun of and picked on
1:10:11growing up
1:10:12that i just didn't want to speak that
1:10:14much because i didn't want to be made
1:10:16fun of
1:10:17i had a few words to say about one of my
1:10:18sponsors on this podcast as you might
1:10:20know crafted are one of the sponsors of
1:10:22this podcast and crafted are a jewelry
1:10:24brand and they make really meaningful
1:10:26pieces of jewelry the really wonderful
1:10:28thing about crafted jewelry is it's
1:10:30super affordable it looks amazing the
1:10:32pieces hold tremendous meaning and they
1:10:35are really well made i think i've worn
1:10:37this piece for almost a year
1:10:39it hasn't broken hasn't changed color
1:10:42because it's really really good quality
1:10:43and it costs roughly 50 quid people will
1:10:47be surprised when they hear that they'll
1:10:48probably assume that all of my jewelry
1:10:49is like solid gold and cost thousands
1:10:51and thousands of pounds but what's the
1:10:53point when you can achieve the exact
1:10:54same effect from a piece of jewelry
1:10:57that's high quality and cost 50 quid
1:10:59that's why i buy crafted to put in
1:11:01context of where you are today you're an
1:11:03international speaker you're getting
1:11:04honest you're getting paid big six
1:11:06figure numbers to speak once yeah and i
1:11:09just want to put that in context because
1:11:10you went from someone that basically
1:11:11couldn't have a conversation
1:11:13kind of like an international public
1:11:15speaker yeah i don't know if um
1:11:18it was like this in school in the uk but
1:11:21in america at least in ohio where i grew
1:11:22up the teacher would sometimes say okay
1:11:25we're gonna have you guys read aloud
1:11:27right and okay lewis open up chapter one
1:11:29paragraph one and stand up and read in
1:11:31front of people
1:11:33and it got to the point where
1:11:35it was so terrifying because i would get
1:11:37up and i was not able to read until
1:11:39really about 10th grade no joke when i
1:11:41went into eighth grade that private
1:11:43boarding school they tested me
1:11:45reading and comprehension and everything
1:11:46and i had a second grade reading level
1:11:49so when i was in school
1:11:51it was so hard for me to stand in front
1:11:54of the class and read aloud because
1:11:56the simplest words i didn't know what
1:11:58they were what they were
1:12:00dyslexic so it was just challenging to
1:12:02read and then i'd feel nervous and then
1:12:04i would sabotage it and then kids would
1:12:06laugh because i couldn't read
1:12:08and so it's just kind of like a
1:12:10traumatizing thing that i had to learn
1:12:12how to let go of and heal
1:12:13and so i just never wanted to speak in
1:12:15front of people
1:12:16and i remember
1:12:18this is funny i was also
1:12:20um i was also terrified to dance
1:12:24and i started salsa dancing obsessively
1:12:26because i wanted to overcome this fear
1:12:27and when i was learning this skill of
1:12:29salsa dancing to overcome that fear i
1:12:31met a guy who was a public speaker and
1:12:33he got paid to speak around the country
1:12:35and i said
1:12:37how do you do this and he said meet me
1:12:39tomorrow at this coffee shop and all and
1:12:41i'll answer any question you have
1:12:42because we're literally like in the
1:12:43middle of the dance floor and i'm asking
1:12:44this
1:12:45so i meet him at this coffee shop in
1:12:46columbus ohio
1:12:48and
1:12:49he was like if you want to overcome the
1:12:50fear of public speaking you need to
1:12:52practice it every week and i recommend
1:12:54joining this thing called toastmasters
1:12:56where you can practice in a safe
1:12:57environment where they're not going to
1:12:58laugh at you
1:13:00and he said go every week for a year
1:13:02and come back to me when you're done
1:13:04and that's what i did i went to a
1:13:06toastmasters club every week for a year
1:13:09and i remember it was terrifying for the
1:13:11first few months
1:13:13but the more i did it and just messed up
1:13:15i just kept messing up but i found
1:13:17someone to mentor me there i practiced
1:13:19it consistently every single week my
1:13:21next speech
1:13:22i would put myself in uncomfortable
1:13:24conversations to just be
1:13:26made fun of or just feel like i'm so
1:13:28stupid around these people but every
1:13:30week i'd show up i'd get a little bit
1:13:32more confidence a little bit more
1:13:34confidence to the last
1:13:36week of the year
1:13:38i remember
1:13:39i had no notes no props no nothing
1:13:42and i was extremely poised and confident
1:13:45and got like the standing ovation at the
1:13:48end of the year because they saw my
1:13:49journey the first speech i had
1:13:51everything written out word for word
1:13:53word for word i look down at behind a
1:13:56podium and read word for word i didn't
1:13:58look up once on my first speech
1:14:01to the point where i was like okay i'm
1:14:02writing a speech and then looking up a
1:14:04couple times while reading it to then it
1:14:06was like just note cards then it was
1:14:08bullet points so then it was a slide to
1:14:09then it was nothing
1:14:11but it was
1:14:13mind-blowing because it took a year to
1:14:15kind of get a baseline of confidence
1:14:18and it took every week showing up but
1:14:20i'm telling you if i could do something
1:14:21like this it's possible but
1:14:23you got to be willing to be so
1:14:25uncomfortable to overcome these fears
1:14:27sometimes
1:14:28there's two things i was reflecting on
1:14:29as you were speaking then it's the first
1:14:31is how that you know repetitions
1:14:33rewrites this new kind of subjective
1:14:34evidence about who we are what we're
1:14:36capable of which results in mastery but
1:14:38it starts with repetition which creates
1:14:39new evidence and then you've got the
1:14:41mastery point but also just that that
1:14:43wasn't just a lesson about public
1:14:44speaking it's a general lesson about
1:14:45what happens when in life we arrive at
1:14:47the crossroads of fear and one side says
1:14:50turn right to go back to comfort which
1:14:51is never do this thing ever again
1:14:53because it's humiliating and the other
1:14:54is like it's the lights are off down
1:14:56that path but it's like into the fear
1:14:58and this happens every week in
1:15:00everyone's life
1:15:02in your job in your relationship in
1:15:04someone offers you oh do you want to
1:15:05come and do this thing and you go that's
1:15:07not south sudan's
1:15:09and or you go through a hard
1:15:10relationship and you're like i can't
1:15:12open my heart up exactly love
1:15:14vulnerability um but so evident in your
1:15:17story and even the fact that you write
1:15:18down your biggest fears every year
1:15:20it's so clear that you continually chose
1:15:23to go into the fear and that resulted in
1:15:25tremendous growth yeah
1:15:27it's always it's always and
1:15:31the amount of confidence i have over the
1:15:33last 15 20 years really of just taking
1:15:36on these different fears that i thought
1:15:38i would never be able to do
1:15:40let's talk salsa dancing you know i
1:15:42started that 17 years ago it's opened up
1:15:44a world to me i've traveled the world
1:15:47i've salsa dance in every major city
1:15:49around the world over the last 17 years
1:15:51i've met incredible people
1:15:53i have had so much fun i get to just go
1:15:56and dance and have fun
1:15:58and it gives me an incredible sense it's
1:15:59a tool that i can take out at any moment
1:16:02whenever needed it's a language that i
1:16:04can speak to so many people that speak
1:16:06that language
1:16:07and it's given me a level of confidence
1:16:09that i never had without that because it
1:16:11was a fear and now it's something that's
1:16:13fun that i've mastered it's incredible
1:16:16same thing with public speaking
1:16:18i remember
1:16:20thinking
1:16:21before i started toastmasters like if i
1:16:24want to get a job i need to learn public
1:16:25speaking if i want to like improve in
1:16:27the career that i go into i need to be
1:16:29able to communicate in a board room and
1:16:31get my ideas across
1:16:33even if i'm an employee i just need to
1:16:34be able to communicate or if i'm a ceo
1:16:37one day i need to be able to inspire if
1:16:39i want to be on stage i need to be able
1:16:41to get a message across to influence and
1:16:42impact people so i was like if i want to
1:16:44accomplish my dreams i need to overcome
1:16:46this fear and
1:16:50it's brought me so many opportunities
1:16:52because i spent a year obsessing over
1:16:54this and failing
1:16:56again it's brought me incredible
1:16:58financial resources it's put me in front
1:17:01it's i've traveled the world because of
1:17:02speaking it's brought me business deals
1:17:05i've met and collaborated with other
1:17:07speakers that i've met on stage at these
1:17:08events
1:17:09it's given me confidence you know by
1:17:12having this skill
1:17:13so every fear that i have
1:17:16if i master it and i go all in on it
1:17:18something magical and beautiful happens
1:17:20on the other side same in relationships
1:17:23after the previous relationship i was
1:17:25like okay
1:17:26i can be afraid and be single for a year
1:17:28and like guard my heart
1:17:31or i can open my heart
1:17:33keep it expansive not closed off after
1:17:36this pain and challenge keep it open and
1:17:38see what's possible
1:17:40and when i met her i was thinking to
1:17:42myself ah i don't know if i want to like
1:17:43go into this but i was like let me keep
1:17:45it open and explore
1:17:46and it's been magic and beauty on the
1:17:48other side because i've gone on that as
1:17:51well
1:17:52every time it's just something magical
1:17:54happens
1:17:56when i think about that crossroads
1:17:57analogy where you've got you arrive at
1:17:59the crossroads of fear and it says turn
1:18:01right if you want to go back into
1:18:02certain comfort oh turn left it's dark
1:18:03in there yeah it goes go into the fear
1:18:05and address it went through it i think
1:18:06the people the reason why people turn
1:18:08right into certainty and to comfort or
1:18:10really go back right is because they've
1:18:13miscalculated
1:18:16what the actual risk is
1:18:18so in the case of say being vulnerable
1:18:20in your relationships
1:18:22it seems like the the low risk path is
1:18:25to like keep the mask on just please
1:18:27them and whatever yeah however when you
1:18:30zoom out that is the existential risk of
1:18:32the relationship is faking and being
1:18:34inauthentic to yourself that was
1:18:35actually the risk but people like they
1:18:37mis they don't know what the risk is and
1:18:39generally in life it's people when they
1:18:41say to me oh you're so courageous for
1:18:42dropping out of university and starting
1:18:43this business i've reflected on that
1:18:45over the years because i've really
1:18:46struggled with this concept of people
1:18:47thinking i was courageous
1:18:49in my mind the risk was staying in
1:18:52university going into the corporate rat
1:18:54race and not pursuing myself and then
1:18:55having a mid-life crisis when i'd
1:18:57abandoned myself that was the risk the
1:18:59easy cowardice thing to do was leaving
1:19:01university and pursuing myself and i
1:19:03think the refraining of it yeah is
1:19:05really probably the most potent way of
1:19:07getting people to understand that in
1:19:08fact the dark
1:19:10left side of that fear crossroads is
1:19:12actually the least risky path to take if
1:19:15you zoom out absolutely and you see
1:19:17what's on the other side yeah what's
1:19:19possible for you what's available on the
1:19:20other side yeah exactly or even if you
1:19:22see what certainty and comfort will
1:19:24exactly deliver
1:19:25it's about having a short period of pain
1:19:28versus long period of pain and the short
1:19:31pain is diving into the fear
1:19:33maybe the pain is a week a month or a
1:19:35year in order to overcome that fear
1:19:38until you overcome it and transcend it
1:19:41or having this numbing low-level pain
1:19:44for the rest of your life by not
1:19:45choosing that
1:19:47which one do you want
1:19:49you know for me i just can't live that
1:19:50way and it's not just a one right so if
1:19:52you if you if you fake it in work and
1:19:54then your relationships then your
1:19:55friendships then you're gonna have in
1:19:56your health
1:19:57yes you're gonna have ten loans exactly
1:20:00which is gonna what happens then
1:20:01depression yeah crippling anxiety
1:20:03exactly panic attacks
1:20:05behavior all these you know
1:20:07addictions everything man as you look
1:20:08off into your future then lewis
1:20:10you're thinking about how lewis house
1:20:13shapes his future what he's pursuing how
1:20:15he finds his meaning and happiness on an
1:20:16ongoing basis what is the answer
1:20:20everything is based on mission the the
1:20:23mechanism
1:20:25is kind of irrelevant how i do it is
1:20:27irrelevant the mission is to serve 100
1:20:29million lives weekly to help them
1:20:30improve the quality of their life
1:20:32that's the mission that's your mission
1:20:34that's the mission that's been the
1:20:35mission for about eight years it's been
1:20:37consistently that why 100 million
1:20:40people ask me that i think when i came
1:20:42up with that number
1:20:43it's because i'd already impacted
1:20:45millions at the time
1:20:47and whenever i ask people like what's
1:20:49your dream and they say they want to
1:20:50change the world it just doesn't seem
1:20:52real like okay what does that mean
1:20:54and then some people say i want to
1:20:55change
1:20:56billions of lives okay
1:20:59it just seems like it's hard to measure
1:21:01it's hard to measure that quickly like
1:21:03how fast is that going to happen but i'd
1:21:05already impacted millions and i was like
1:21:07okay what would it look like how long
1:21:08would it take me to reach 100 million
1:21:10people
1:21:11at once like in a year
1:21:13and then how could i what would it look
1:21:15like to do it in a month and then in a
1:21:16week and then how could i repeat that
1:21:18every week
1:21:20what's the mechanism right now it's
1:21:22podcasting youtube social media books
1:21:24events all those different things maybe
1:21:26in the future there's another mechanism
1:21:28for me i'm not attached to the mechanism
1:21:31i'm committed to the mission
1:21:32and so
1:21:34i'm flexible and open on how
1:21:36i want to make sure that i'm a
1:21:39a messenger
1:21:40and i'm a facilitator of messages with
1:21:43other messengers
1:21:45and that's the mission for this season
1:21:47of my life
1:21:48until something shifts inside of me
1:21:50where it says you know that's not your
1:21:51calling anymore then i'll listen to that
1:21:53next mission
1:21:55two questions then the first question is
1:21:57why does that matter to you why does
1:21:58helping 100 million lives a week matter
1:22:00to you
1:22:01what are you going to get if that
1:22:03happens if you succeed well helping one
1:22:05person matters to me when i wrote my
1:22:07book the mask of masculinity i remember
1:22:09thinking to myself
1:22:10this probably isn't going to sell 100
1:22:12million copies right it's about how men
1:22:14can be vulnerable like most men don't
1:22:16want to buy that book it's this one here
1:22:18yeah so the mask of masculinity
1:22:20i
1:22:21once i started opening up about my
1:22:24healing journey and seeing the impact
1:22:26and the responses that men were having
1:22:29i was like
1:22:31gosh i need to write about this don't i
1:22:33internally i was like this needs to
1:22:34happen next my book agent was like let's
1:22:36go do another book about business or
1:22:38marketing and i was like
1:22:40i just can't do it like even if i make
1:22:42no money
1:22:43this has to come out of me
1:22:45because if we can help one man heal
1:22:48their internal relationship with
1:22:49themselves and then heal their
1:22:50relationship with their family and their
1:22:52marriage whatever it might be then it's
1:22:53worth it to me
1:22:55and so i just felt like i needed to put
1:22:57it out
1:22:58and
1:23:00so i'm happy to help one person and i
1:23:02feel accomplished i feel
1:23:05purposeful useful i feel like my talents
1:23:08were for something meaningful
1:23:10but i know there's something more inside
1:23:12of me and so i'm striving
1:23:15to serve 100 million lives one of the
1:23:16reasons that's meaningful to me is
1:23:18because i believe that we're all here
1:23:20for a reason i believe that we all have
1:23:22a certain unique set of gifts and
1:23:24talents
1:23:25and i want to see how far those talents
1:23:27can spread i just feel like that's part
1:23:29of my calling at this season of my life
1:23:33and
1:23:34i'm a hundred percent
1:23:36happy and fulfilled with all the efforts
1:23:39i've had to this moment because it's
1:23:41everything i've been able to do
1:23:43but i know there's so much more so this
1:23:45is just something for me to aim towards
1:23:46to reach towards it gives me a target
1:23:49it's something i can measure it's not
1:23:50too unrealistic it's a big number but i
1:23:53feel like yeah how things are going
1:23:55maybe it could happen in a year maybe
1:23:57it's 10 years i don't know
1:23:59but it gives me a focus and it keeps me
1:24:01in alignment on
1:24:03the things i say yes and no to
1:24:05does this decision project
1:24:08interview
1:24:11partnership serve 100 million lives or
1:24:14get me closer to it
1:24:15or is it a distraction so it helps me
1:24:17get clear on saying yes or no to things
1:24:19as well and what happens today if you
1:24:21get an email when you leave here and it
1:24:22says lewis good news we've we've we're
1:24:24now reaching 100 million lives a week
1:24:26i say great we gotta we gotta repeat
1:24:28this over and over again for a while
1:24:31until i feel like okay what's the next
1:24:33goal
1:24:36i mean i mean if we get 100 million
1:24:37lives weekly
1:24:39then i'll be like awesome it's been i'm
1:24:41doing this podcast for nine years now
1:24:43it's like i've been doing this for a
1:24:44long time
1:24:46last year we got over 100 million views
1:24:48just on our youtube channel alone so
1:24:50we're in the hundreds of millions a year
1:24:53of and i don't calculate it as like a
1:24:55like or like a one second view i'm like
1:24:57what's a 20 minutes of some an
1:25:00interaction we had over 100 million just
1:25:02on youtube of 24 minute watch time so
1:25:05for me that's a deep encounter of
1:25:07someone
1:25:08introspective learning diving in you
1:25:11know overcoming something and trying
1:25:13something new that's meaningful to me
1:25:16and so if we can do that weekly for a
1:25:17while
1:25:18then i'll i'll take an assessment and
1:25:20say okay where am i at my life this
1:25:22season
1:25:23am i striving for more am i maintaining
1:25:25am i
1:25:26shifting you know i'll reassess it then
1:25:29would it be a really happy day i'm happy
1:25:31today
1:25:32i'm really happy today because gary
1:25:34vaynerchuk said to me he said my goal is
1:25:36to buy the new york jets and in the same
1:25:37breath he said it will be the worst day
1:25:39of my life right because there's no more
1:25:40chase it's no more thing to work towards
1:25:42and here's the thing i'm happy today
1:25:44because i have inner peace and i think
1:25:48there's no goal that i've accomplished
1:25:50in the past that has brought me into
1:25:52peace when i accomplished it i felt
1:25:54depressed and anxious with a lot of
1:25:56goals from the past
1:25:57now i feel happy with just showing up
1:26:00and giving my best day to day it's as
1:26:02lame as that sounds
1:26:04the healing work has allowed me it
1:26:05doesn't mean i'm like satisfied i still
1:26:07am driven and i'm hungry for more
1:26:10but i'm just in such a beautiful place
1:26:11in my relationship with myself and my
1:26:14relationship with martha and my
1:26:16relationship with friends and family my
1:26:18team i just feel like man
1:26:21if this was it i'm in a peaceful place
1:26:22and that's beautiful
1:26:25amazing and i i truly feel it i truly
1:26:28feel it in everything that you said yeah
1:26:30and it doesn't mean i'm perfect and it
1:26:31doesn't mean i have it all figured out
1:26:32it doesn't mean i'm not going to make
1:26:34mistakes in the future
1:26:35it just means
1:26:37that's the path of one
1:26:39we have a closing tradition on this
1:26:41product okay which is the previous guest
1:26:43writes a question for the next guest
1:26:44into the diary
1:26:46what is the most frequent piece of
1:26:47advice people ask you for and what is
1:26:51the answer
1:26:53i mean
1:26:54what do people ask me for what is the
1:26:56most frequent
1:26:57piece of advice people ask you like the
1:26:58question they ask me for like a piece of
1:27:00advice yeah what's the most frequent
1:27:01piece of advice i mean it's like what
1:27:03would you do if you were starting all
1:27:04over again you know if you were 21 and
1:27:06or you started your podcast again or you
1:27:08know you were getting started again in
1:27:09your business
1:27:11what would you have done differently
1:27:14is what i get asked
1:27:16and then what's the answer i mean the
1:27:17answer is
1:27:21i don't know if i would have done
1:27:22anything differently
1:27:23because it's all given me a lot of
1:27:24wisdom and experiences to where i'm at
1:27:26now
1:27:27i wish i would i guess i wish i would
1:27:29have like known this stuff sooner but i
1:27:31think we all need to learn things as
1:27:33they come to us
1:27:36what i will i guess what i wish i'd
1:27:37known differently is how to have inner
1:27:39peace
1:27:40i wish i would have had that skill
1:27:42because i think i would be farther ahead
1:27:45and i would have been happier sooner
1:27:47inside
1:27:49had i learned that skill
1:27:51of healing of inner peace emotional
1:27:53regulation all these things that kind of
1:27:55held me back
1:27:57from
1:27:58being 100 my authentic self and in my
1:28:00power towards building everything that
1:28:02i'm doing
1:28:04i sit here with people a lot and i
1:28:05remember speaking to gary and
1:28:07gary talked to me about the importance
1:28:09for him of legacy yeah is this something
1:28:11that's important to you the concept of
1:28:13legacy does it take yes and no it is in
1:28:16the sense that
1:28:17like with my dad passing
1:28:19i think about his legacy right
1:28:22and i've had a lot of
1:28:25like sad moments and i've also had a lot
1:28:27of beautiful grateful moments thinking
1:28:29about his life
1:28:30and
1:28:31his legacy
1:28:33and what he
1:28:35how he lived what he taught during his
1:28:38his life and what he left behind in
1:28:40terms of wisdom and lessons
1:28:43and i think it's important to
1:28:46for me
1:28:47that's valuable
1:28:49in the sense that
1:28:50i'm going to be around
1:28:52you know my siblings going to be around
1:28:53his grandchildren are around who
1:28:55experienced him
1:28:56they're going to have
1:28:59we are going to have memories and an
1:29:02imprint based on his life and how he
1:29:05lived
1:29:06with us
1:29:07and now it's all about how we show up
1:29:10through his legacy you know i'm a part
1:29:12of his legacy he was a part of my
1:29:15foundation and now i'm going to be a
1:29:17part of that and i think about that
1:29:18because i want to make sure that my last
1:29:21name
1:29:21is meaningful and it would make him
1:29:23proud
1:29:24you know to make sure that am i doing
1:29:26things in alignment with what he taught
1:29:28me
1:29:29would make
1:29:31the world a better place would be good
1:29:32for our community am i living to the
1:29:34highest level of the values not the
1:29:36stuff that he didn't do well but the
1:29:37stuff he did well do well
1:29:39and so i think it's important because
1:29:42we're going to be
1:29:43interacting with people and when we're
1:29:44gone
1:29:45they're either think of us in a positive
1:29:47way or negative way and they might be
1:29:49acting
1:29:50like we acted in either of those ways
1:29:52so i think it's valuable and important
1:29:54and i think about it in that sense but i
1:29:56also think about that it's not important
1:29:58because in 200 years no one's going to
1:29:59remember
1:30:01maybe you know like someone has like a
1:30:03memory of in a history book and they
1:30:05talk about you
1:30:07but no one you know is going to know you
1:30:09in a in a hundred years
1:30:11no one you interact with is going to
1:30:12know you so and the the big
1:30:15scheme of things you know
1:30:17it doesn't it doesn't matter after a
1:30:19hundred years really
1:30:21but it matters because everything is
1:30:24a reflection of our past
1:30:27it's like dominance yeah my grandparents
1:30:29influence
1:30:30my parents
1:30:32their traumas and their beauty
1:30:34influenced them which influenced me and
1:30:36i felt like i had to
1:30:39heal the traumas of the past legacy as
1:30:42well
1:30:43just like i'm carrying with me the
1:30:45beautiful parts of the past
1:30:47and and leaning into those but also
1:30:49healing things that were brought down
1:30:50that they never healed
1:30:52so there's an impact with the legacy
1:30:54yeah
1:30:56i my answer is very similar to yours in
1:30:57the sense that i i've never understood
1:30:59why people care about
1:31:01what people like what people will say
1:31:02about me when i'm gone right right like
1:31:04i don't care because i again if i
1:31:06engaged in that thinking it's the same
1:31:09as caring too much about what they think
1:31:10about me now yeah like i'm not gonna be
1:31:12there i'm gonna be dead so but i i've
1:31:14never heard it and it's really
1:31:15refreshing to hear that kind of domino's
1:31:17analogy where like actually the way that
1:31:18i the way that i show up is going to
1:31:20impact my kids they might impact 10 then
1:31:22it's 20 that's 50 and then that's how
1:31:23the world is created yeah and i think
1:31:25the traumas that our parents
1:31:27you know had or didn't heal are going to
1:31:30be felt in our childhood in our
1:31:32adulthood until we heal it
1:31:35so
1:31:36and that might be their grandparents and
1:31:38their grandparents who'd like pass it
1:31:39down so we either need to
1:31:41heal it now otherwise we're going to
1:31:42pass it down to our kids
1:31:44lewis thank you
1:31:46um you're a very very special individual
1:31:48for so many reasons but i think having
1:31:49had this conversation with you the the
1:31:51most and also you know it's a reflection
1:31:53of your book as well the mask of
1:31:54masculinity is your ability to be open
1:31:57and vulnerable is i think like the most
1:32:00powerful service especially men can be
1:32:02doing in this world for all the reasons
1:32:04we've described because that like being
1:32:06emotionally in touch and being willing
1:32:07to be open is the foundation of all of
1:32:10our interactions our happiness our
1:32:12mental health our even our physical
1:32:13health and as as is the case in this
1:32:15country at the moment the thing that is
1:32:17unfortunately killing most men under the
1:32:19age of 45 is themselves
1:32:21suicide is the biggest killer of men in
1:32:23in our country under that age group so
1:32:25and it's a reflection of i think
1:32:28the lack of um
1:32:29vulnerability absolutely and the lack of
1:32:31openness and the lack of
1:32:32ability to process and regulate our
1:32:35emotions so
1:32:36having a light like you in the world
1:32:38that is leading that crusade in such an
1:32:40open way even though i know the feeling
1:32:42of discomfort it can even gives me to
1:32:45talk about things like my mental health
1:32:46or how i'm feeling or all those things
1:32:49inspires me and you've inspired me to be
1:32:51more open and in fact you've actually
1:32:52inspired me to go on the journey of like
1:32:55having therapy just for the sake of
1:32:57not because there's i'm like oh i need
1:32:59to fix this but because of the
1:33:00prevention and because of all the
1:33:02unknown unknowns absolutely man so thank
1:33:04you thank you you're an inspiration to
1:33:06me and so many others and it's been a
1:33:07joy to have you on my podcast thanks
1:33:08brother appreciate it
1:33:11[Music]
1:33:18[Music]
1:33:23[Music]

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of The Top 6 Habits Destroying Your Relationships! - Lewis Howes by The Diary Of A CEO, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 18,241 words across 2,860 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

What you can do with it

Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to translate the transcript into 100+ languages.

Free YouTube transcript tool

YouTube2Text is a free YouTube transcript generator — no signup, no daily limit. Paste any YouTube link and get the full transcript instantly, with timestamps, click-to-jump, translation to 100+ languages, AI prompts for ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, and exports to TXT, SRT, VTT, or Markdown.