The Simple Habit for a Happier Social Life | Nicholas Epley | TED — Transcript

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1. 0:04There's a fundamental paradox right at the core of human life.
2. 0:07On the one hand, decades of research have shown
3. 0:10that we are highly social creatures
4. 0:12who are made happier and healthier by reaching out
5. 0:14and connecting with other people in the moments, the days, the weeks,
6. 0:18the months and the years of our lives.
7. 0:21And yet, on the other hand, just look around a little bit.
8. 0:25It's not clear that all of us have gotten this memo.
9. 0:28Every day there are opportunities, big and small, to reach out
10. 0:31and connect with other people that we choose not to take.
11. 0:35We avoid talking to strangers.
12. 0:37We lean back and type to each other
13. 0:38rather than leaning in and talking to each other.
14. 0:41Once talking, we stick to shallow talk, to small talk, rather than going deeper.
15. 0:45We feel grateful but don’t express it.
16. 0:47[We] want to reach out to offer support to someone in need but hold back.
17. 0:51We’d like to be open and honest in our relationships,
18. 0:53but all too often keep our true selves to ourselves.
19. 0:57If being socially connected is so darn good for us,
20. 1:00then why do we so often seem to be so darn unsocial?
21. 1:04This paradox hit me like a freight train one morning
22. 1:07while I was on an actual train,
23. 1:09commuting into my office at the University of Chicago,
24. 1:12where I work as a professor of behavioral science.
25. 1:14That morning on the train began like every other I'd been on
26. 1:18for years beforehand --
27. 1:19all filing onto the train,
28. 1:20everybody in a desperate search for their own little acreage of solitude
29. 1:24right along the window.
30. 1:25I think we'd have sat outside the train if that was possible.
31. 1:28(Laughter)
32. 1:29Heaven forbid you’d sit next to somebody and start a chitchat --
33. 1:32of course, you creep.
34. 1:33Or worse yet, somebody would come and sit down next to you --
35. 1:36surely some kind of weirdo.
36. 1:38But then there we all were.
37. 1:39Highly social creatures,
38. 1:41made happier and healthier by connecting with other people,
39. 1:44now sitting hip-to-hip
40. 1:45with another perfectly reasonable human being.
41. 1:48And what did we do for the next 30 to 45 minutes with each other?
42. 1:53(Laughter)
43. 1:55We chose to ignore each other.
44. 1:57You could have heard a pin drop that morning.
45. 2:00That morning, a woman,
46. 2:01who was about 15 to 20 years older than I was at the time,
47. 2:04sat down next to me,
48. 2:05dressed professionally for work
49. 2:07and wearing just this fabulous, killer, stylish red hat.
50. 2:11I'm never going to forget this red hat.
51. 2:14I put other people in experiments for a living,
52. 2:16but this morning I decided to put myself in an experiment
53. 2:19and pay close attention to what happened.
54. 2:21Instead of keeping to myself
55. 2:22and doomscrolling on my phone or checking my email,
56. 2:24I'd try to have a conversation with her,
57. 2:26try to help us get to know each other a little bit.
58. 2:29Turn this 30-minute dull ride into something a little more interesting.
59. 2:32Turn a stranger into a momentary acquaintance.
60. 2:35The second I had that thought about that experiment,
61. 2:38my brain started screaming at me all the reasons
62. 2:40why this was a really, really bad idea.
63. 2:43"Clearly, she doesn't want to talk to you,
64. 2:45otherwise she'd already be talking to you.
65. 2:47She's going to think you're some kind of creep.
66. 2:49You probably don't even have anything in common with her,
67. 2:52and you’ve got nothing to even start with, smarty pants.”
68. 2:54Nevertheless, I decided the experiment must continue,
69. 2:57so I ignored that part of my brain.
70. 2:59I turned to her and I said,
71. 3:01"Hi, my name is Nick.
72. 3:03I love your hat.
73. 3:05I have one just like it."
74. 3:06(Laughter)
75. 3:08Yeah, huh?
76. 3:09(Laughter)
77. 3:11Now look, I know that’s not going to make its way
78. 3:13into the conversation-starter Hall of Fame,
79. 3:15but it didn't seem to matter.
80. 3:17She turned to me, a big smile,
81. 3:18her face all lit up --
82. 3:20she looked like a different person.
83. 3:22And from there, the conversation just flowed really easily.
84. 3:25[We] found things that we had in common,
85. 3:27we talked about our families, our work, our hope for the future.
86. 3:3030-minute train ride just went like that.
87. 3:32I was done, and I got up to leave, and she stopped me and she said,
88. 3:35"Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me this morning."
89. 3:40I've forgotten a lot of details
90. 3:42about how that conversation actually went,
91. 3:44but I've never forgotten how that conversation made me feel.
92. 3:47Not just good, but surprisingly good.
93. 3:50The contrast between my beliefs about how that would go
94. 3:53and how it actually went was pretty sizable.
95. 3:57And there ... in that gap
96. 3:59was a potential resolution to this paradox.
97. 4:03Social connection, after all, isn't something that just happens to us.
98. 4:06It's a choice we make.
99. 4:07It's a choice we make at times
100. 4:09to reach out and approach other people, to engage with them,
101. 4:12or to hold back and avoid them.
102. 4:13It might, in fact, arguably be the choice we make,
103. 4:16the most important choice we make,
104. 4:18because how we make that choice
105. 4:19over and over and over again in our lives so routinely
106. 4:22determines so much about our happiness,
107. 4:24our health and our success in life.
108. 4:27But highly social creatures like us might avoid reaching out
109. 4:30and engaging with other people mistakenly
110. 4:33if we underestimate just how positively our attempts to connect might turn out.
111. 4:39That morning changed both my career and my character.
112. 4:44In my career,
113. 4:46my wonderful collaborators and I
114. 4:48have now conducted well over 100 experiments
115. 4:51with over 30,000 people of all ages and nationalities,
116. 4:55and found that my tendency to be overly pessimistic
117. 4:57is not unique to me.
118. 4:59It's something we see over and over again in varying shades and magnitudes
119. 5:03across different contexts that vary a little bit across people --
120. 5:06but that consistent signal is there.
121. 5:08In one of our very first experiments,
122. 5:10we went back to a train station
123. 5:11on the line that I ride into work every day,
124. 5:13and we recruited a group of commuters,
125. 5:15and we asked them to predict
126. 5:17how they would feel on the train that morning
127. 5:19if they kept to themselves in solitude,
128. 5:21or if they turned to the person who sat next to them that morning
129. 5:24and tried to have a conversation, tried to connect.
130. 5:27The results here were crystal clear:
131. 5:28people thought talking to a stranger was a really bad idea.
132. 5:31They thought they would have a more pleasant experience
133. 5:34that left them feeling happier if they kept to themselves in solitude,
134. 5:37than if they turned to the stranger to connect with them on the train.
135. 5:41But when we recruited another sample of people
136. 5:43and actually randomly assigned them in an experiment
137. 5:45to either keep to themselves in solitude
138. 5:48or to try to connect with a person sitting next to them --
139. 5:51rather than just imagine it, to actually do it --
140. 5:53we found exactly the opposite results.
141. 5:56The people we had instructed randomly
142. 5:58to keep to themselves that morning
143. 6:00reported having a less pleasant and happy commute
144. 6:03than those we asked to connect with the person sitting next to them.
145. 6:06People’s beliefs about social interaction here weren’t just wrong --
146. 6:09they were precisely backward.
147. 6:11But notice that if you believe that talking with a stranger would suck,
148. 6:14you wouldn't try it,
149. 6:15and then you'd never find out that you might be wrong about that.
150. 6:19Pessimistic beliefs in that way are self-fulfilling.
151. 6:24This little experiment was just the tip of a very large iceberg
152. 6:28that came into view for us in many ensuing years.
153. 6:30We've now seen this tendency to be overly pessimistic
154. 6:33over and over and over again.
155. 6:35We’ve now had more than 4,500 people
156. 6:38not just have conversations with a stranger,
157. 6:40but to have deep conversations with a stranger and
158. 6:43talk about things like,
159. 6:44"Can you tell me what you're most grateful for in your life?"
160. 6:47Or "Can you tell me about one of the last times
161. 6:49you cried in front of another person?"
162. 6:52So when I show people these questions in these experiments,
163. 6:55I can feel a sense of dread spreading over the room
164. 6:57when I put these questions up on the board,
165. 6:59people start eyeing the exits --
166. 7:01wishing they hadn't come to this session today.
167. 7:03But then when I actually put them into the experiments,
168. 7:06in the conversation,
169. 7:08the trouble I have is getting them to come back.
170. 7:10These conversations go much better than people expect that they will.
171. 7:15This is also true when we have people
172. 7:17who disagree about the most divisive political issues that divide us today
173. 7:20talk about those political disagreements --
174. 7:22even those political disagreements,
175. 7:26go better than people expect them to.
176. 7:29We find in our research that we have tremendous power
177. 7:33to create meaningful social connection every day of our lives.
178. 7:36But if we underestimate how positively our efforts to reach out
179. 7:40and connect with someone will go,
180. 7:41we won't use that power that we have.
181. 7:46We see this tendency for misplaced pessimism
182. 7:49also showing up beyond conversation.
183. 7:51When we ask people to think of a compliment
184. 7:53they could give to their friend
185. 7:55and then actually deliver that compliment to their friend,
186. 7:58they leave their friend feeling more uplifted
187. 8:00than the complimenters imagined they would.
188. 8:02When we ask people to express their gratitude to someone they love,
189. 8:05they leave their recipients feeling even better
190. 8:07than the expressers predict they would.
191. 8:11Performing random acts of kindness, reaching out and asking for help,
192. 8:14expressing support to someone in need,
193. 8:17being open and honest in our relationships
194. 8:19all tend to be received, on average,
195. 8:21more favorably, more positively by the people we're reaching out to
196. 8:25than the people who are reaching out expected to.
197. 8:30How much more time
198. 8:31would you spend reaching out to lift somebody up
199. 8:33if you knew just how much good in that moment you could actually do?
200. 8:40No research I've ever been involved with
201. 8:43has changed the way I live my life more than this.
202. 8:46My train rides are almost never silent anymore.
203. 8:49I met amazing people on planes and in cabs.
204. 8:51Even just walking around town is more pleasant for me,
205. 8:54whether I’m on campus or [at] work or in a grocery store,
206. 8:57because I’ve made a habit of walking around with my head up
207. 8:59smiling and saying hello to other people,
208. 9:01and I get, in return, a lot more smiles and hellos
209. 9:04when I'm walking around.
210. 9:05When I feel grateful, I write a note and send it off.
211. 9:07When I need help, I’m less reluctant to ask for it.
212. 9:10When I know someone needs some support,
213. 9:12I’m not as embarrassed to reach out and offer it --
214. 9:14even if there's nothing I can do in that moment.
215. 9:16It's made me a more open, friendlier person and as a result,
216. 9:19changed all of my relationships.
217. 9:21I've turned countless strangers into friends
218. 9:24or into acquaintances at least --
219. 9:26even if just for a moment.
220. 9:27My friendships are better.
221. 9:29I think my marriage is stronger.
222. 9:32I think I'm a better father.
223. 9:35These changes didn't happen to me overnight.
224. 9:37They happened, of course, slowly, over time.
225. 9:39Just like you move a mountain --
226. 9:40not by pushing it all at once, but one shovelful at a time.
227. 9:43The way you change how you approach other people happens slowly, over time.
228. 9:47One choice after another.
229. 9:49One small choice,
230. 9:50as you learn where your mistaken beliefs about other people
231. 9:53might be holding you back needlessly.
232. 9:55And then you develop habits that then become part of your character
233. 9:58and part of who you are.
234. 10:01Overcoming my misplaced pessimism, though,
235. 10:04has also affected how I've made some big choices
236. 10:07that I have been a part of in my life,
237. 10:09including when pain struck my family.
238. 10:14So 10 years ago,
239. 10:16my wife Jen was three months into her pregnancy
240. 10:21when we learned that our daughter, who we had already named Sophie,
241. 10:24had Down syndrome.
242. 10:25And three months after that,
243. 10:26we learned that our daughter had died
244. 10:28before she could be born.
245. 10:31Losing our daughter was horrible.
246. 10:33It was absolutely horrible.
247. 10:35And we mourned that loss for many months,
248. 10:38until one morning Jen and I were talking
249. 10:41and she asked whether we could,
250. 10:43whether we should, whether we might
251. 10:46consider adopting a child with Down syndrome.
252. 10:49And there it was, the choice.
253. 10:52Do you reach out and connect with someone?
254. 10:54Do you engage with them, do you approach,
255. 10:56or do you hold back and avoid it?
256. 11:00Jen and I had already adopted two children into our family,
257. 11:03and so we had some sense of how this might go.
258. 11:05Nevertheless, this choice caught me off guard.
259. 11:08I wasn't there at that moment.
260. 11:09My mind wasn't there yet.
261. 11:11And so I had all the pessimistic fears that you might have
262. 11:13when you think about connecting with a stranger,
263. 11:16or having a deep conversation with someone,
264. 11:18except multiplied by 100 or 1,000.
265. 11:20How well would this go?
266. 11:22Would we be able to handle this?
267. 11:24Would we be able to connect, to love,
268. 11:26to parent the stranger we were bringing into our lives
269. 11:29with all of these challenges
270. 11:30that seemed to me at the time very hard and difficult.
271. 11:33How would this child respond to us?
272. 11:37My first thought was,
273. 11:39I don't think we can do this.
274. 11:41I'm not sure I can do this.
275. 11:43But my second thought then started turning to my data,
276. 11:46as researchers will tell you, can happen.
277. 11:49And I started thinking about thousands and thousands of data points,
278. 11:54of people underestimating the joys they would experience
279. 11:56when they reach out to engage with, to connect with,
280. 11:59to pull someone else close to them.
281. 12:02And it gave me data-driven courage
282. 12:05that, yeah, we can do this together.
283. 12:07I happened to marry a superhero, too.
284. 12:10We can do this together.
285. 12:12And it won't just be good.
286. 12:14I bet it'll be surprisingly good.
287. 12:17And so about a year after that,
288. 12:19Jen and I boarded a flight to China
289. 12:22with our four other children,
290. 12:24where we were going to meet Lindsey,
291. 12:27two years old, born to a woman we will never meet,
292. 12:31with big dark eyes and just a relentless smile,
293. 12:35despite a really, really hard start in her life.
294. 12:39We reached out to Lindsey
295. 12:41and Lindsey reached back to us.
296. 12:44She's been bringing love and smiles like that into our lives for years since.
297. 12:49Now I want to be clear,
298. 12:51raising a child with an intellectual disability is hard.
299. 12:55It's really hard.
300. 12:56Lindsey is not just one handful.
301. 12:57She is both arms completely full.
302. 12:59(Laughter)
303. 13:01But she's also enriched and blessed our lives
304. 13:03so far beyond what my pessimistic expectations beforehand
305. 13:07ever possibly could have imagined.
306. 13:12Connecting with other people is one of the most consistently enjoyable,
307. 13:16enlightening and enriching experiences we'll ever have.
308. 13:18And yet, all too often, our choice to reach out
309. 13:21and connect with somebody is thwarted by overly pessimistic fears
310. 13:24about how other people might respond.
311. 13:26Being overly pessimistic doesn't mean
312. 13:27we should reach out all the time, or that it always turns out well;
313. 13:31of course not.
314. 13:32It means we tend to underestimate the likelihood
315. 13:34that it will turn out well, and as a result,
316. 13:36we tend to hold ourselves back a little too often.
317. 13:38I've found in my life and in my research
318. 13:40that testing some of those beliefs that hold us back
319. 13:43can reveal places where we're making mistakes about other people
320. 13:46and show us how to reach out,
321. 13:48empower us to reach out a little bit more often than we might otherwise,
322. 13:52to make both our own lives and those we reach out to a little bit better.
323. 13:57You want to change your life for the better?
324. 14:00I suggest keeping some data-driven courage in mind.
325. 14:04And when in doubt,
326. 14:05reach out.
327. 14:07Thank you so much.
328. 14:08(Applause)