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The SECRET to Turning Conflict back into Connection — Transcript

by Jimmy on Relationships · 6,641 words · 958 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00all right today it is my goal to fix
0:01your conflicts I know it's a lofty goal
0:03but I'm up for the challenge because I
0:05know full well how damaging it can be to
0:07your romantic relationships in
0:09particular when little things are
0:11turning into big fights for seemingly no
0:13reason or you've stopped fighting
0:15altogether but you've also stopped
0:17talking and connecting haven't you and
0:20you're just existing as roommates and
0:21the passion and intimacy that you used
0:23to have feels like it's drying up and I
0:25have to warn you I'm going to hit you
0:27with a lot of information today this
0:28will be overwhelming for some of you
0:30others of you it'll be right up your
0:32alley but if you can just take a few key
0:34points that resonated with you and
0:36actually Implement them it can change
0:38everything one person can interrupt the
0:40negative cycles that we're going to talk
0:42about one person can positively affect
0:44the relationship one person cannot
0:47single-handedly bring connection and
0:49closeness back into the relationship
0:51that takes both of you being on board
0:53healing hinges on both of you agreeing
0:55to self-reflect and take accountability
0:58and practice empathy and curiosity again
1:00if you don't have any interest in doing
1:02that then you don't actually have an
1:03interest in loving your partner or
1:05experiencing connection with them
1:07because conflict is a normal and natural
1:09part of every relationship you're going
1:11to disagree you're going to eventually
1:13unintentionally hurt each other one or
1:15both of you will eventually feel
1:16dismissed neglected or disrespected
1:18that's a given but how you handle those
1:21moments is a choice and it's a choice
1:23that affects everything about your
1:25future together we think avoiding
1:27Conflict at all costs is the goal but
1:29the interesting fact fact is conflict is
1:31actually necessary for intimacy conflict
1:33isn't bad it's neutral we make it bad
1:35when we mishandle it but there's
1:37actually an appropriate way to navigate
1:39it with respect and empathy and
1:41curiosity that actually leads to the
1:43passion and connection you say you want
1:45with each other and some people will say
1:46yeah but Jimmy my partner has no
1:48interest in listening or validation or
1:50sacrificing for me I mean I get what
1:52you're saying but just doesn't apply to
1:54me because they don't care about this
1:56stuff what am I supposed to do here's
1:57what I had to learn the hard way
1:59connection and closeness don't happen by
2:01accident right they require certain
2:03things certain environments to exist and
2:06you won't feel close to someone if you
2:08don't feel like they care about how you
2:10feel loved plain and simple I don't know
2:12what that means for your future but I
2:14know that connection is impossible
2:16unless we get conflict right together so
2:19that's what I want to help you out with
2:20today so let's get started with the
2:21first pillar of fixing your conflicts
2:24you have to have a culture of
2:25appreciation and affection in your
2:27relationship Dr Sue Johnson said when
2:29marriages fail it is not increasing
2:31conflict that is the cause it is
2:33decreasing affection and emotional
2:35responsiveness the demise of the
2:37marriage begins with a growing absence
2:40of responsive intimate interactions and
2:43you might say what does affection have
2:45to do with conflict everything because
2:47when your love tank hasn't been full for
2:49years when your emotional bank account
2:51is only getting withdrawals instead of
2:54deposits of course you're fighting all
2:56the time because you don't feel valued
2:58or loved anymore just think about back
3:00when you were dating or newly married
3:02you had an atmosphere of appreciation
3:04and admiration for each other didn't you
3:06you didn't need to be reminded to send
3:08her that sweet text you didn't need to
3:09be reminded to show up to his job and
3:11surprise him with lunch and a kiss in
3:13front of his jealous co-workers you did
3:15that stuff naturally you complimented
3:17each other more you looked out for ways
3:19to remind them you were grateful for
3:21each other you appreciated them you
3:24touched each other you were responsive
3:26you were intimate and not just in the
3:28bedroom your relationship was rich with
3:30positive affirmations for each other you
3:32wrote notes to each other you text each
3:34other sweet things you reminded them I
3:36can't wait to see you I'm lucky to have
3:39you so my question is why' you stop I
3:42know why I stopped because those
3:43feelings of butterflies wore off I got
3:46complacent we both just kind of stopped
3:48doing those little things for each other
3:49because work got in the way kids got in
3:52the way stress got in the way right and
3:54yet when you're both sitting in the
3:55counseling office like we were you're
3:57going to admit how you missed that
3:59affection and appreciation that you used
4:01to have the couples that thrive the
4:03research shows are the couples that
4:05intentionally make deposits into each
4:07other's emotional bank accounts through
4:08affection and gratitude and looking out
4:10for ways to remind each other I love you
4:13I'm so glad we're doing this together
4:15thank you for showing up in the ways you
4:17do the couples that make it look out for
4:19ways to serve each other and sacrifice
4:21for each other in the ways their partner
4:23feels loved most the couples that make
4:25it prioritize checking in with each
4:27other and prioritizing emotional
4:29responsiveness if you haven't felt that
4:31for years it doesn't take a genius to
4:34realize why you're fighting all the time
4:36all right the second pillar is just like
4:37you have to have a culture of
4:39appreciation and affection you have to
4:41create a safe place for your partner to
4:43be honest and vulnerable about any unmet
4:46needs or hurts or feelings or complaints
4:48there's just no option where there can
4:50be intimacy or Connection in this
4:52relationship and them feel unsafe
4:54chronically to bring up their feelings
4:56needs or concerns it just doesn't exist
4:58and here's the problem in8 % of
5:00relationships it's lopsided meaning one
5:02partner primarily brings up the vast
5:04majority of the concerns or feelings
5:05usually the woman but not always and the
5:08other partner has this attitude of why
5:09can't we just exist together why do we
5:11need to bring these things up I mean
5:13don't you feel like you're making too
5:14big a deal about this and I can just
5:15tell you if that's your attitude towards
5:17someone who is trying to share their
5:19inner world then that's like pouring
5:21gasoline on the fire now they're going
5:23to do one of two things one they're
5:25going to escalate because their fears
5:27and triggers around being abandoned and
5:29feel feeling alone and unheard and
5:30unloved are being activated so they're
5:32going to get even more heated and say
5:34things like you don't even care about me
5:36you never listen to me that's going to
5:38trigger your shame and wounds around
5:40being seen as a failure or not being
5:42good enough and you're going to respond
5:43with you're overreacting nothing I do is
5:46good enough for you does that Dynamic
5:48sound familiar to anyone or two they're
5:50going to start shutting down they're
5:51going to lose trust that you're a safe
5:53place for them and stop bringing up
5:54their hurts or needs and that might seem
5:56more peaceful for a little while but the
5:58truth is you're losing them and
6:01eventually you're going to wake up one
6:02day and they'll be gone and you won't
6:04know why Dr John gotman says marriages
6:07die in the conversations that never
6:08happen that's why so let's break out of
6:11these Cycles together step number one
6:13have an intentional appreciation for
6:15each other a rich environment of
6:17admiration be on the lookout for ways
6:19that they're showing up Express
6:20gratitude out loud Fill Their Love tank
6:23through serving them and affection step
6:25number two you have to provide at least
6:27some space we can debate on how much is
6:29too much but it's not zero you have to
6:31provide some space where your partner
6:33feels safe to have a need or complaint
6:36without you punishing them for that a
6:38healthy relationship can handle the
6:40occasional complaint or negative feeling
6:42if I were you and you're watching this
6:44with your partner admit out loud I want
6:46you to feel safe to bring up your inner
6:48world and feel seen heard and understood
6:51you deserve that I want you to feel like
6:53I'm on your team and that you can rely
6:55on me and on the flip side for the
6:57person who tends to bring up the vast
6:59majority of the complaints or feelings
7:01you need to admit out loud thank you for
7:03providing that space I want to bring up
7:05my feelings and needs in a respectful
7:07way without criticism blame or passive
7:10aggressiveness or yelling at you I don't
7:12want you to feel like I'm attacking you
7:14because I'm not I just want to feel
7:16heard and close to you Julie manano says
7:19in her book secure love every time we
7:21snap defend shut down push away get
7:23cynical sarcastic use passive aggressive
7:25humor or call names it is a misguided
7:28attempt to say hear me me feel some of
7:30my pain so you know how much this hurts
7:33I need to feel safe right now and this
7:35isn't meant to justify those actions or
7:37words it's meant to expose them for what
7:38they are your criticism and
7:40defensiveness has a purpose and the
7:42purpose is protecting yourself from pain
7:45but it's also to reconnect with your
7:47partner we're saying hey this hurts
7:49please care about my pain but we need to
7:51remind each other these are misguided
7:53attempts that are actually causing more
7:55pain so what can we do instead we can
7:58establish a standard right now we can
8:00create an agreement in our relationship
8:02that we're going to practice being
8:04vulnerable and we're going to practice
8:06holding space for our partner's
8:07vulnerability with listening and
8:10understanding and empathy this will not
8:12be easy for you because both of you in
8:14different ways have reinforce the idea
8:16to each other I'm not a safe place to
8:18share your feelings or needs with or I'm
8:20just out to attack you and call you a
8:22failure you need to remind each other I
8:24want to know your heart I want both of
8:27us to practice being vulnerable and
8:29holding space for each other that's the
8:30only way we can heal together we replace
8:32the old bad habits that made us want to
8:34escalate or shut down with calm safe
8:37conversations where we can slowly start
8:39to lower our armor that we've put up
8:41over the years and begin to trust each
8:43other again this isn't a one-time
8:45process it's done over months and months
8:47of two steps forward and one step back
8:49connection disconnection repair repeat
8:52you don't have to get this right
8:53perfectly you just have to get this
8:55right consistently show your partner
8:57you're committed to trying something new
8:59your relationship essentially lives and
9:01dies based on whether you can have these
9:03difficult conversations with each other
9:05and maintain a sense of connection and
9:07closeness through mutual respect and
9:09empathy it's not optional it's essential
9:12all right third pillar of fixing our
9:14conflicts identify actual feelings and
9:16needs we can all struggle with
9:18identifying feelings and needs
9:19especially for men identifying feelings
9:22seems like a waste of time right it
9:23feels weak to even have feelings but the
9:26reality is your body will feel your
9:28feelings regardless of whether you
9:30identify them or not your suppressed
9:32feelings don't go away they just come
9:33out in other destructive ways like Rage
9:36or resentment or addiction or alcoholism
9:39or anxiety or avoidance it's way
9:42healthier for you to actually become in
9:44touch with what your feeling that
9:46doesn't make you weak that makes you
9:48emotionally intelligent and especially
9:50for the people who have anxious
9:51attachment where you think you're being
9:53vulnerable and honest because you're the
9:55one that's bringing up what you're
9:56feeling but what you're really saying is
9:59you never touch me you never help me
10:01around the house you never take me out
10:03anywhere I feel like you don't even care
10:06but within all that vulnerability you
10:08didn't actually mention one feeling or
10:10need so stop saying you're being honest
10:12and vulnerable when you're not actually
10:14being respectful or mature in what
10:16you're actually needing or feeling right
10:19I know it's scary but this is a
10:21necessary skill we have to learn in this
10:23relationship or the next one so here's a
10:25list of common feelings that we need to
10:27start using when we're being vulnerable
10:30supported loved accepted safe valued
10:35ashamed embarrassed humiliated rejected
10:38neglected abandoned frustrated angry
10:42disrespected afraid overwhelmed worried
10:45confused pressured blamed lonely unheard
10:50sad hurt misunderstood hopeless
10:53disconnected inadequate let's actually
10:55start practicing using these feelings in
10:57day-to-day language and especially when
10:59we're being vulnerable things are going
11:01to come up day to day something's going
11:03to happen and we're going to feel
11:04overlooked or dismissed it's essential
11:06that we can say hey when this happened I
11:09felt dismissed and the story I'm telling
11:11myself is that you really don't care can
11:13we talk about it or when you get
11:15defensive and invalidate my feelings I
11:18feel really hurt and disconnected and
11:19scared that you don't really care about
11:21what I need to feel loved in this
11:23relationship I can understand that that
11:24seems overwhelming and vulnerable and of
11:26course we need to have some discernment
11:28with how and when we bring things up but
11:30the reason we eventually break up or
11:32fight constantly is because so often
11:35we're not being honest about what we're
11:37actually feeling and we just shove it
11:39down we often dismiss our own feelings
11:41and needs before our partner even does
11:44so just like we did with feelings let's
11:45go over some top needs in a relationship
11:48these are what we're so often fighting
11:50for without saying what we need more of
11:54respect safety trust consideration
11:57intimacy equality affection
11:59appreciation Independence having these
12:02needs is not wrong we all have needs now
12:05I will admit some needs can be unhealthy
12:07like the need for constant reassurance
12:08or control or avoiding conflict or
12:11intimacy altogether but the point is if
12:13we ever want closeness with another
12:15person we have to learn about what they
12:16need to feel loved and valued in this
12:18relationship just think about the
12:19opposite would a relationship work if
12:21your partner didn't take any
12:23accountability when they messed up or
12:24they rarely if ever apologized or they
12:27didn't care about how their words and
12:28actions affect Ed you would you feel
12:30close to someone who had no desire for
12:32you me neither so let's at least admit
12:36we need certain things in a relationship
12:37and during a conflict don't forget to
12:39remember you're supposed to be on the
12:40same team we fight for a reason because
12:43we want to feel seen heard and
12:44understood we want to communicate
12:46something usually that behavior hurt me
12:49or I need this to feel close to you ask
12:52yourself what am I fighting for in my
12:54conflicts is it respect is it
12:56appreciation is it affection is it
12:58equality is it Independence let's at
13:00least start admitting that and if you're
13:02in a fight with your partner you should
13:03be asking yourself what are they
13:05fighting for what are they needing right
13:08now how can I explore that all right the
13:10fourth pillar of fixing our conflicts is
13:12learning how to express yourself with
13:13respectful vulnerability and we've
13:15already touched on it numerous times but
13:17you need to come up with a framework for
13:19how to begin having hard discussions
13:22we've already establish that we're both
13:24trying to intentionally fill Each
13:25Other's Love tanks we're trying to
13:27provide a safe place for a partner to
13:28share their inner world especially their
13:30negative emotions and they've agreed to
13:31remove criticism blame shame yelling or
13:33passive aggressiveness because those
13:35things don't help anything they only
13:37hurt your hopes and goals because your
13:39goal is to feel hurt and understood
13:41right your hope is that they move in
13:42your direction your hope is that your
13:44pain is validated as real or they see
13:46that a certain behavior is hurting you
13:49or for them to listen to you when you
13:51have an unmet need but we can't achieve
13:53any of those goals if we lead with
13:55criticism or contempt or accusations you
13:57never do this you always do that you're
13:59so lazy I knew you didn't care about me
14:01the truth is that's just our own
14:02immaturity trying to protect us from
14:04actually being vulnerable and simply
14:06stating what we feel and need to feel
14:08close to them so instead we're going to
14:10talk about what happened we're not going
14:12to bring things up that happened a year
14:13ago to shame them we're using this
14:15formula when this happened or when that
14:18didn't happen I'm feeling X and this is
14:21the story I'm telling myself I've been
14:23doing the disches every night for this
14:24week I'm feeling pretty dismissed and
14:26the story I tell myself is that you
14:28don't care that I'm stuck doing the
14:29Lion's Share of this task and that makes
14:32me sad and frustrated notice how I
14:34didn't blame you for how I'm feeling I
14:36simply stated what I'm feeling and why
14:38because the truth is underneath all of
14:40our fights are hidden feelings and needs
14:42our job is to reflect and take
14:44responsibility to express them clearly
14:46and as their partner your job is to
14:48listen out for feelings and needs hidden
14:51underneath the frustrations or
14:53complaints remember we want them to feel
14:55safe to express their inner world and
14:56occasionally they're probably going to
14:58miss step a little bit maybe they don't
15:00actually mention a feeling and they say
15:02I can't believe you made that joke about
15:04me at the party that was so insensitive
15:06our job is to listen for the hurt
15:07underneath and instead of getting
15:09defensive and saying it was just a joke
15:10are you serious we say it sounds like
15:12you're really hurt and I certainly
15:14didn't intend to hurt you can we talk
15:16about this and that should help your
15:17partner to choose not to escalate and
15:20instead switch to a more vulnerable
15:22option where they say yeah I was so hurt
15:25that probably wasn't your intention but
15:27I felt really abandoned in that moment
15:29the story I told myself is that you
15:30don't even care how your words affect me
15:33and that hurts so bad it scared me to
15:36think that you could forget about me
15:37like that and then we hold space for
15:39that and we say yeah that makes sense
15:41thank you so much for telling me you're
15:43right it wasn't my intent to hurt you
15:44but I can see how I was careless with my
15:47words and that did hurt you and I don't
15:49want that for you I promise I'm going to
15:51be more careful with my words I'm so
15:53sorry the truth is it's easier to say
15:56you never want to spend any time with me
15:57you're always working or on your phone
16:00everything revolves around you then
16:02saying I'm scared that you don't want to
16:04spend time with me I miss you it feels
16:06my love T so much when you used to plan
16:08those dates together and you haven't
16:10done that for a while and it just hurts
16:12I feel lonely maybe a little rejected
16:15like work is more important than this
16:17relationship to you isn't it fascinating
16:19that we mean the same thing in both of
16:21those statements we're simply looking
16:22for them to move in our Direction and
16:24see our pain and listen to our hurt and
16:26prioritize Us in the ways we feel loved
16:28most but only only one of those
16:29statements has the chance of that
16:31happening and it's not the one where we
16:33accuse them criticism and blame seem
16:35like a shield that will protect us from
16:37being rejected or hurt they actually set
16:40us up for a lower chance of being heard
16:42and understood all right so here are a
16:43few vulnerability guidelines that I want
16:45you to keep in mind lead with the most
16:47generous assumption when possible don't
16:49make generalizations or accusations you
16:51never you always you don't care exchange
16:55criticisms for requests you never touch
16:57me becomes I feel so loved when you
16:59touch me would you do that for me more
17:01if you feel yourself getting critical or
17:03blaming just stop and say hey I think
17:06that came across a little blaming can I
17:07start over and if you're on the other
17:09side and your partner starts out
17:10accusatory or critical you can say hey
17:13can we just talk about what you're
17:14feeling and needing because I want to
17:16understand you right now and just as a
17:17reminder they are allowed to not solve
17:20this issue right here and now if they
17:22need space that's okay but they need to
17:24be the one to plan when this
17:26conversation will take place in the
17:27future and if you're the Ty that
17:29complains a lot you need to throttle it
17:31back and practice some discernment if
17:33you're the type that shoves it all down
17:35you need to be more in touch with what
17:37you're actually needing and feeling and
17:38have the courage to bring it up more and
17:41your partner needs to encourage that
17:43Courage by saying I want you to share
17:45when something's bothering you that's
17:47what leads to healing and connection
17:49repetitive moments where you used to be
17:51scared to bring something up but this
17:53time you try and reach for them and they
17:56turn towards you instead of against you
17:58and hold hold you and hear you that's
18:00when your body says this is different
18:03and I like this all right final thoughts
18:04on expressing it makes sense why you're
18:07scared to be vulnerable I heard someone
18:08say recently we're wired for connection
18:11but when we have trauma in our lives it
18:13rewires our brain for protection we're
18:15scared to be vulnerable because we are
18:17protecting ourselves most likely because
18:19of our past being vulnerable didn't lead
18:21to us feeling safe seen or heard why
18:24would we want to go through that again
18:26but the solution isn't to avoid and the
18:28solution solution isn't attacking them
18:30before they can attack us the solution
18:32is honoring that little girl or little
18:33boy that's still inside of you that
18:35wasn't safe and reminding them that they
18:38are safe now because we can't afford not
18:40to be vulnerable we can't afford to have
18:43these walls up anymore to shut off our
18:45emotions or just shut down completely
18:47there are certain people in our lives if
18:49they're trustworthy where we want
18:51connection and closeness with them and
18:53those walls don't serve us anymore we
18:55can do both be vulnerable and set
18:57healthy boundaries that's still kindness
19:00now just because you are vulnerable does
19:02that mean that they're going to respond
19:03the way we want them to no we can't
19:06control anyone else's reactions or
19:08behavior they might still take what you
19:10say as an attack they might still go on
19:12the defensive and invalidate and dismiss
19:13your feelings we can't prevent that all
19:16we can do is show up as the best most
19:18mature version of ourselves and I'm
19:20telling them defensiveness kills your
19:22connection invalidation pushes your
19:24partner away we defend and dismiss
19:26because of our own shame we think that
19:28they're calling us a failure when really
19:30they might just be saying I'm opening up
19:32my heart to you and showing you the
19:34parts of me that I don't show other
19:35people because I want to trust you all
19:38right fifth pillar is learning how to
19:40validate our partner even if I don't
19:42agree with their feelings let's start
19:43with what validation is validation is
19:46simply acknowledging that their feelings
19:48and experience is real and important to
19:50you if someone shares an actual feeling
19:53like I feel overwhelmed anxious hurt sad
19:56angry disconnected embarrassed it's not
19:58our job to convince them that they
19:59shouldn't feel that way those feelings
20:01are real to them feelings are signals
20:04that happen in our body and they are
20:05happening for a reason and while I can
20:07agree that we should challenge our
20:09thoughts and assumptions that might have
20:10formed our feelings right it's also true
20:12that so often we don't choose to feel
20:15our feelings they just happen to us and
20:17sometimes the best way to challenge our
20:19feelings is when someone we love first
20:21validates them and says hey I care about
20:24what you're experiencing let's explore
20:25this together as a team because I love
20:28you that validating when someone accepts
20:30you and acknowledges that what you're
20:32feeling is at least real to you that
20:34helps calm your nervous system we
20:36validated our partner because it's
20:38someone who we're supposed to love right
20:40this is someone who we're supposed to
20:42trust when they say they're feeling hurt
20:44or rejected it's not our job to
20:45dismantle the facts of how they came to
20:47that conclusion so we don't have to feel
20:49any responsibility maybe they weren't
20:51blaming you for their feelings they were
20:53simply sharing them you have the
20:54opportunity to move towards them in this
20:56moment instead of away from them by
20:58saying tell me what led you to feel that
21:00way I care about what's going on that's
21:03validating invalidation on the other
21:05hand always results in worse
21:07disconnection that would sound like
21:09you're so sensitive oh my gosh not this
21:11again stop being so dramatic you're
21:13making a big deal about nothing you're
21:15imagining things you're so negative just
21:18get over it already oh okay I guess I
21:20can't do anything right I'm just a
21:21terrible person plus your feelings
21:23aren't my problem or invalidation could
21:25just be silence someone telling you
21:27something vulnerable and you're just
21:28rolling your eyes or refusing to pay
21:30attention or mocking them with a laugh
21:32those things push our partner away it
21:34shames them for having feelings and it
21:36makes them feel abandoned and alone and
21:38less likely to ever feel safe with us
21:40validating phrases on the other hand
21:42sound like this I don't want you to feel
21:44that way tell me about what's going on
21:46or yeah I can see how you would feel
21:48that way or your experience matters to
21:50me thank you for being able to share it
21:52with me or that makes sense I can
21:55totally see that I want to make this
21:57right it's not about getting the word
21:58perfect it's about the energy behind
22:00them even just making eye contact and
22:02nodding when they're talking to you
22:04about something that's important to them
22:05is validating it shows them I care I'm
22:07engaged summarizing what they said is
22:09also validating you say Okay I want to
22:10get this right so when this happened you
22:13felt rejected and this is what you
22:16needed in that moment from me did I get
22:18that right we validate our partner
22:19because they matter to us we can't
22:21validate without first listening to what
22:23they're telling us give them the floor
22:25let them Express themselves don't
22:27interrupt don't look for ways to correct
22:29them so you can prove that they
22:30shouldn't feel that way just listen
22:32intentionally engage nod match their
22:36emotion if they if they seem sad you
22:38seem sad this isn't about being fake
22:40it's not manipulating them it's trying
22:41to empathize with someone you love who
22:43is trying to share something important
22:45to you about their inner world that's
22:47how love is demonstrated listening to
22:50understand what are they feeling what
22:52are they needing empathizing with their
22:54pain and taking accountability for any
22:56unintentional hurt you'll get your turn
22:58to talk you'll get your turn to share
23:00your experience but be mature enough in
23:03this moment to give them this moment
23:05show them they're a priority because
23:07they're the ones that brought it up and
23:08if you forget everything else remember
23:10this the thing every single person in
23:12this world wants the most when they are
23:14hurting or in pain is for the people who
23:16are closest to them to move in their
23:18direction to be a safe place for them to
23:20open up about their experience and try
23:22to understand them instead of judging or
23:25dismissing them now it is important to
23:27note I'm not saying validate accusations
23:29or blame just because their feelings are
23:31valid doesn't mean their behavior is if
23:33they say you never helped me around the
23:35house you're such a self-centered
23:37narcissist how could you be so stupid
23:39validation isn't you're right I'm awful
23:42validation doesn't mean shame spiraling
23:44or agreeing with their accusations if my
23:46wife said something like you never do
23:48this you don't care you're so lazy I
23:50would gently remind her I'm willing to
23:52have this conversation about what she's
23:54feeling or needing but I can't do that
23:56if she's just going to accuse or
23:57criticize me here's the hardest part
23:59when we've had some trauma in our lives
24:01which we all have one symptom is that
24:04you're very sensitive to shame so if
24:06you're the partner who gets defensive
24:08easily maybe you have a tendency to
24:09defend yourself or dismiss their
24:11feelings you invalidate them but it's
24:13just because you feel unfairly blamed
24:15and attacked right here's my advice for
24:17you if your partner tosses you a
24:18criticism you can practice by saying ooh
24:21man that hurts I kind of feel defensive
24:24right now but I don't think it was your
24:25goal to attack or blame me can we back
24:28up and talk about what you're feeling
24:29and what your intention was for bringing
24:31this up cuz I want to understand you is
24:33that hard to do in the moment absolutely
24:35but it's both of our jobs to interrupt
24:37the cycle right it takes two to fight
24:39and once someone starts lobbing
24:41criticisms or accusations those are
24:43signals that the conflict is turning
24:45into a fight and there needs to be an
24:47intervention now this takes a lot of
24:49self-reflection I get that but it's
24:50possible defending ourselves dismissing
24:53them or shutting down isn't going to
24:54help anything and you might have good
24:56reasons for why you shut down we think
24:58words are going to get used against us
25:00right we think talking is only going to
25:01make things worse this person is being
25:04aggressive and we don't know what else
25:05to do we're just waiting for this
25:07uncomfortable moment to pass so we don't
25:09say anything but at the end of the day
25:11shutting down only perpetuates the
25:13disconnection right it doesn't lead to
25:14the closeness that I want for you so
25:16what can we do instead of shutting down
25:19we have to start being aware of what
25:20shutting down feels like in our bodies
25:23right and then we take a break when that
25:25happens because it's not immature to say
25:27hey I need a break I'm feeling feeling
25:28overwhelmed I'm having trouble listening
25:30to you in the way that you deserve to be
25:32listened to can we just take a 30 minute
25:34break and come back to this once again
25:36we can't control how someone might
25:37respond they might accuse you of being
25:39immature and just leaving the
25:41conversation but you know that's not
25:42what's happening you're actually doing a
25:44very mature thing recognizing that your
25:47nervous system is triggered and that
25:49means you're not really present in the
25:51way that you need to be the only thing
25:53that solves that is calming our nervous
25:55system through taking some deep breaths
25:57and taking taking some time to relax all
25:59right final thoughts on validation
26:01nothing feels safer to your partner than
26:03when they've had the courage to say
26:04something really hard like hey what you
26:07did or didn't do hurt me and you can
26:09actually stay grounded instead of
26:10immediately jumping to defensiveness or
26:12dismissing them and you say I want to
26:15know how you're feeling in an unhealthy
26:17Dynamic we don't want to know about
26:19their pain because it triggers our own
26:21wounds of not being enough our shame
26:23gets triggered and even if they use all
26:26the right words and they're actually
26:27vulnerable with us
26:28we still think we messed up they think
26:31we're a failure and if we don't prove
26:33them wrong then it's going to be
26:35confirmed that I'm a failure or the
26:36relationship is going to be in Jeopardy
26:38so you're actually defending yourself
26:40because you deeply care how this person
26:42views you start being vulnerable and
26:44actually saying that all right sixth
26:45pillar of resolving conflict let's
26:47briefly talk about boundaries because we
26:49should want to know our partner's
26:50boundaries we shouldn't want our partner
26:52to feel overextended or neglected or
26:55uncomfortable or pressured we cannot
26:57experience closeness and connection with
26:59someone if we don't care about their
27:01boundaries and setting healthy
27:02boundaries around conflict is about
27:05communicating my standards and needs
27:07it's not about controlling the other
27:08person personally I have a boundary
27:10around name calling and yelling so if
27:12I'm in a disagreement with someone and
27:14they call me a name I'm going to leave
27:16that conversation for 30 minutes that's
27:19just my boundary it requires nothing
27:21from the other person I'm going to
27:23enforce my boundary whether they agree
27:25with it or not now some people will say
27:27ah but you can't set boundary with a
27:28narcissist because they won't respect
27:30them and I agree and yet what do we all
27:33agree is the only solution to getting
27:35out of a narcissistic relationship going
27:37no contact right going no contact is the
27:39perfect example of a boundary they don't
27:41need to agree with why you're going no
27:43contact for you to enforce and uphold it
27:46if someone tries to argue with your
27:47feelings as long as it's safe you can
27:49say my feelings aren Up For Debate or
27:52you can say nothing because you know
27:54that arguing with someone who has no
27:55capacity or emotional intelligence is
27:57pointless and while it's very sad that
27:59you most likely won't experience any
28:01intimacy with this person due to their
28:03immaturity that's still the reality and
28:06there's no point in trying to convince
28:07someone that you're allowed to feel hurt
28:09or scared or disconnected all right the
28:11last pillar of fixing your conflicts is
28:13accountability and repairing old hurts
28:15once we're breaking out of our Cycles
28:17once we're fixing our conflicts again I
28:19believe it's necessary for us to take
28:21accountability for our hurt for words
28:23and actions in the past and do what we
28:25can to repair that let's say you used to
28:27yell because you felt so unheard maybe
28:30you were critical maybe you called them
28:31names in the past and sure in your head
28:33you've Justified it a million times
28:34because they were worse or they provoked
28:36you or whatever it is simply take
28:38responsibility for how you used to show
28:40up in hurtful ways say it makes sense
28:42why you jumped to defensiveness in the
28:44past I wasn't actually being vulnerable
28:47with you I was using a lot of criticism
28:49and blame and that was wrong I'm sorry I
28:52bet that left you feeling pretty
28:53unappreciated or unfairly attacked like
28:56I was looking out for ways you were
28:58messing up so I could label you as a
28:59failure I certainly don't want that to
29:01be your experience I want you to feel
29:03appreciated and valued in this
29:06relationship I'm open to hearing about
29:08how that impacted you and if you used to
29:10get defensive or shut down or punish
29:12their vulnerability when they brought up
29:13their feelings if you said things like
29:15stop being so sensitive stop making
29:17everything an issue your feelings aren't
29:19my problem you need to know that those
29:21words caused major damage in the
29:23relationship there's a lot of legitimate
29:24hurt and you need to repair that that
29:27would sound like this in the past I was
29:29defensive and dismissive of your
29:31feelings I would shut down because I
29:33felt so overwhelmed and I felt attacked
29:35but I realized that you weren't trying
29:37to shame me you were trying to tell me
29:39how you felt loved and valued and I can
29:41see now that when I shut down or when I
29:43would defend myself that left you
29:44feeling abandoned and alone and I'm so
29:46sorry that was wrong it makes sense why
29:49you didn't feel safe to be vulnerable
29:51but I want to change that I want to do
29:52everything I can to repair that and
29:54learn how to show up for you because
29:55that's what you deserve this is what
29:57helps rebuild trust in the relationship
29:59it's not only about doing the right
30:01things going forward it's about
30:02acknowledging old hurts and actually
30:05inviting your partner to share their
30:06experience so we can process them and
30:08validate them and repair them together
30:11that's what gives them the confidence to
30:12actually trust you again in order to
30:14have a mutually fulfilling relationship
30:16we need to be able to have the hard
30:17talks and we need to be able to navigate
30:19conflict together with mutual respect
30:21and then we need to get on the same page
30:22before the conflict even starts we need
30:24to come up with agreements and standards
30:26and boundaries and protocols before we
30:29get triggered and heated and emotionally
30:30charged trying to think about that stuff
30:33in the middle of a fight is too late we
30:35need to be asking them what does mutual
30:37respect during a conflict look like to
30:38you what causes you to feel defensive or
30:41attacked what helps you feel seen and
30:42heard what can I do to help you feel
30:45valued and appreciated especially during
30:46a conflict can we agree to take a break
30:49once there's any yelling or name calling
30:51can we agree that if one of us says we
30:52need to take a break then we can't argue
30:55with that can we agree not to fight in
30:57front of kids or extended family and if
30:59I were you in the beginning of this
31:00process have a code word or a code
31:02phrase like hey can I talk to you about
31:04something that's on my heart and that's
31:06your cue that this isn't just a normal
31:08conversation this might be one of those
31:10hard talks where someone's going to
31:11bring up a hurt or a feeling let's train
31:14ourselves to not let that terrify us we
31:16don't need to be scared we just need to
31:18follow the rules hey when this happened
31:20here's what I'm feeling on the other
31:21side I'm exploring their hurt by
31:23listening and practicing compassionate
31:26curiosity and trying to understand
31:28understand their perspective because
31:29they matter to me I'm defaulting to
31:31listening instead of defensiveness
31:33because I know that helps them feel safe
31:35and connected and one of you is usually
31:37going to struggle with being vulnerable
31:38more than the other so if if you see
31:40your partner struggling you say it kind
31:42of feels like you're overwhelmed with
31:43all these questions would you say that's
31:44accurate they're probably going to say
31:46yeah and we can say that makes sense I
31:48would feel overwhelmed too if I were you
31:50that's still being empathetic that's
31:52validating and building trust with your
31:54partner and hopefully they'll use that
31:56to build up the courage to continue to
31:59try to be vulnerable because without
32:00vulnerability we won't have actual
32:03intimacy thank you so much for listening
32:05I know it was a long one I can't wait to
32:07see you on the next one

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