The Secret to Never Running Out of Things to Say (7 Questions to Ask) — Transcript

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1. 0:00You know that moment right after someone
2. 0:01says, "Yeah, my weekend was good." You
3. 0:05nod, they nod, and your brain goes
4. 0:08completely blank. Most people think that
5. 0:10means they're boring or that they just
6. 0:12don't have anything in common with this
7. 0:14person. But that's almost never it. You
8. 0:17run out of things to say because of what
9. 0:19you're doing with the other person's
10. 0:20answers. Say you're talking to someone
11. 0:22new, and without saying it, you're both
12. 0:25doing the same thing. You're looking for
13. 0:27something you have in common. Then they
14. 0:29say, "I've been getting really into
15. 0:31fishing lately." And you're thinking,
16. 0:33"Ugh, I hate fishing." So you skip right
17. 0:36past it and bring up something you like.
18. 0:38"Oh, nice. I've been doing a lot of rock
19. 0:40climbing." Now they're thinking, "Why
20. 0:42would anybody climb a wall for fun?" And
21. 0:45now you're both thinking the exact same
22. 0:47thing. We've got nothing in common.
23. 0:49That's how most small talk dies. You
24. 0:52were both looking for the exact same
25. 0:53thing. He likes fishing. You don't.
26. 0:56Conversation over. But there was
27. 0:59something hiding in that fishing answer.
28. 1:01Something you actually had in common.
29. 1:03You just didn't hear it. So, I'm going
30. 1:05to give you seven questions. The first
31. 1:07six get people talking about stuff they
32. 1:09actually care about, not the weather.
33. 1:11The seventh one is different. Almost
34. 1:13nobody asks it. It's the one that really
35. 1:14fixes this whole running out of things
36. 1:16to say problem. And it can get the
37. 1:18person you're sure you've got nothing in
38. 1:20common with to say the exact opposite.
39. 1:22Let's say there's a guy at work named
40. 1:23Dave. He sat a few desks away from you
41. 1:26for 3 years. and you know basically
42. 1:28nothing about him. Every conversation
43. 1:30you've ever had is traffic or the
44. 1:32weather. So one day you say, "Hey, it's
45. 1:35been 3 years and we've never grabbed
46. 1:37lunch. Let's go. I'm buying." Now you're
47. 1:39sitting across from him. You've got a
48. 1:41sandwich. He's got pasta. And this is
49. 1:44usually where the panic kicks in. But
50. 1:46before you ask him anything, you go
51. 1:48first. You share something small about
52. 1:51yourself. Like honestly, I'm glad we
53. 1:53finally did this. Part of why I took
54. 1:55this job is I actually like what we do
55. 1:57here. Helping people fix stuff that's
56. 1:59been bugging them for years. It makes
57. 2:01the day feel like it counts.
58. 2:03It's small, but it lowers Dave's guard
59. 2:06because you went first and nobody likes
60. 2:08going first. And it shows him how deep
61. 2:10this conversation is allowed to go. You
62. 2:12keep it shallow, he keeps it shallow.
63. 2:15You go a little deeper and he'll usually
64. 2:17come with you. It's like playing catch.
65. 2:19Nothing happens until somebody throws
66. 2:21first and Dave catches it. He says,
67. 2:24"Yeah, same. Honestly, I had a really
68. 2:26hard time talking to people when I was a
69. 2:28kid, so helping people here kind of
70. 2:30means something to me." Okay, door is
71. 2:32open. Now you need somewhere to take it.
72. 2:35And this is right where most people run
73. 2:37out of questions. Most of us have like
74. 2:39two questions. What do you do? And how
75. 2:41was your weekend? After that, we're out.
76. 2:43So, here are six I keep in my back
77. 2:45pocket. They get people talking about
78. 2:46who they actually are. One, their past.
79. 2:50What did you want to be when you were a
80. 2:51kid? People light up at this one because
81. 2:54nobody ever asks. Two, their habits.
82. 2:57What's a habit you just can't shake.
83. 2:59Good or bad, habits tell you how someone
84. 3:01really lives. Three, what they love and
85. 3:03hate. What's your most unpopular
86. 3:06opinion? You'll learn more from that
87. 3:08than from an hour of job talk. Four, pet
88. 3:11peeves. What's something tiny that bugs
89. 3:13you way more than it should? Everybody
90. 3:15has one and they secretly love talking
91. 3:18about it. Five, the stuff they want to
92. 3:20try. What's something you've always
93. 3:22wanted to do but haven't yet? And six,
94. 3:25the big dream. If money didn't matter,
95. 3:28what would you be doing? Screenshot
96. 3:30these if you want and hit subscribe
97. 3:32while your thumb's already there. But
98. 3:34don't fire them off one after another,
99. 3:36like a job interview. You don't need six
100. 3:39questions. You need one good one that
101. 3:41fits what they just said. Like Dave, he
102. 3:44just brought up being a kid. So, you go
103. 3:47with the first one. Wait, what was that
104. 3:49like growing up like that? And Dave
105. 3:51says, "Honestly, it kind of felt like I
106. 3:54didn't exist. Nobody noticed me. And
107. 3:57when I did talk, nobody really got me. I
108. 3:59hated elementary school." And this is
109. 4:02right where most conversations quietly
110. 4:04fall apart. Because here's what's going
111. 4:06on in your head. I didn't have trouble
112. 4:09talking as a kid. I was fine. So, I've
113. 4:11got nothing for this. It's the fishing
114. 4:13thing all over again. So, let's go back
115. 4:16to that fishing answer because here's
116. 4:17what you missed. Fishing was never
117. 4:20really about the fish. Maybe he loves
118. 4:22how quiet it gets out on the water.
119. 4:24Maybe it's the one time all week nobody
120. 4:26could reach him. You don't fish, but
121. 4:28have you ever just wanted to get away
122. 4:30from everybody and sit somewhere quiet
123. 4:32for a whole day? Yeah, that's what you
124. 4:35had in common the whole time. That thing
125. 4:37under the answer is what I call the
126. 4:40echo. And it's the whole reason you run
127. 4:42out of things to say. You've been
128. 4:44listening to what people do. The echo is
129. 4:47why they do it and how it makes them
130. 4:49feel. Think about the last person you
131. 4:51rode off is too different. Maybe it's
132. 4:53your sister's boyfriend who won't stop
133. 4:55talking about his truck. You heard truck
134. 4:58and your brain checked out, but you
135. 5:00never found out what that truck actually
136. 5:02means to him. So go back to Dave and
137. 5:05listen for the echo. You never struggled
138. 5:07to talk as a kid. That part's his, but
139. 5:10he felt invisible, like nobody got him.
140. 5:13Have you ever felt invisible? Ever sat
141. 5:15in a room where nobody really got you?
142. 5:17Of course you have. Everybody has. Okay,
143. 5:20so you found it. He felt invisible.
144. 5:22You've felt invisible. Now what? Most
145. 5:26people just say, "Oh man, me too." Dave
146. 5:29says, "Yeah, and you're right back in
147. 5:31that silence." Because finding the
148. 5:33feeling is only half of it. Now you have
149. 5:36to ask about it. And that's what the
150. 5:37seventh question is for. Everybody asks
151. 5:40what happened. Where did you grow up?
152. 5:42What school did you go to? Almost nobody
153. 5:45asks what any of it did to you. And
154. 5:47that's the stuff people carry around for
155. 5:49years and never get to say. So the
156. 5:51seventh question is just five words. How
157. 5:54did that change you? You ask Dave. That
158. 5:56sounds rough, man. How did that change
159. 5:58you? And Dave kind of stops for a sec.
160. 6:01Then he goes, you know, we moved around
161. 6:03a lot when I was a kid. I switched
162. 6:05schools five times. Back then it felt
163. 6:08like the worst thing ever. But every new
164. 6:11school, nobody knew me yet. So I got to
165. 6:13start over. Be somebody new. Honestly,
166. 6:17the guy sitting here right now, I kind
167. 6:19of had to rebuild him like five times. 3
168. 6:22years of weather talk. And now Dave is
169. 6:25telling you how he became who he is. And
170. 6:27you know that feeling. Starting over
171. 6:29somewhere, nobody has you figured out
172. 6:31yet. So don't just think it. Say it out
173. 6:34loud because Dave can't see what you two
174. 6:36have in common. What? Unless you tell
175. 6:38him. Like, man, that's wild. I never
176. 6:40[music] switched schools, but I've
177. 6:42changed jobs three times in the last 5
178. 6:44years. And what you just said, that's
179. 6:46exactly it. At every old job, people
180. 6:48already had me figured out. They decided
181. 6:50who I was, so every new place was a
182. 6:52clean slate. Nobody expected anything.
183. 6:55And honestly, that's how I turned into
184. 6:57the guy sitting across from you. Totally
185. 6:59different story, but kind of the same
186. 7:01thing, right? And Dave puts his fork
187. 7:03down, looks at you, and says, "Huh, I
188. 7:06never thought about it like that." We
189. 7:08actually have a lot in