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The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel | TED — Transcript

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0:00Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast
0:17So, why does good sex so often fade,
0:20even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?
0:24And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex,
0:27contrary to popular belief?
0:30Or, the next question would be,
0:32can we want what we already have?
0:35That's the million-dollar question, right?
0:37And why is the forbidden so erotic?
0:39What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?
0:43And why does sex make babies,
0:45and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?
0:48(Laughter)
0:49It's kind of the fatal erotic blow, isn't it?
0:52And when you love, how does it feel?
0:54And when you desire, how is it different?
0:57These are some of the questions
0:59that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire
1:04and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.
1:08So I travel the globe,
1:10and what I'm noticing is that everywhere where romanticism has entered,
1:15there seems to be a crisis of desire.
1:18A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting --
1:23desire as an expression of our individuality,
1:26of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity --
1:30desire that has become a central concept
1:33as part of modern love and individualistic societies.
1:36You know, this is the first time in the history of humankind
1:40where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term
1:46not because we want 14 children,
1:50for which we need to have even more because many of them won't make it,
1:54and not because it is exclusively a woman's marital duty.
1:58This is the first time that we want sex over time
2:03about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.
2:07So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?
2:11And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship,
2:16I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.
2:21On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability,
2:27for safety, for dependability,
2:31for reliability, for permanence.
2:34All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives
2:37that we call home.
2:39But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women --
2:43for adventure, for novelty,
2:46for mystery, for risk, for danger,
2:49for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise --
2:52you get the gist.
2:54For journey, for travel.
2:56So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure
3:00into one relationship,
3:01or what we today like to call a passionate marriage,
3:04used to be a contradiction in terms.
3:07Marriage was an economic institution
3:10in which you were given a partnership for life
3:13in terms of children and social status
3:16and succession and companionship.
3:19But now we want our partner to still give us all these things,
3:23but in addition I want you to be my best friend
3:25and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot,
3:28and we live twice as long.
3:30(Laughter)
3:33So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them
3:37to give us what once an entire village used to provide.
3:40Give me belonging, give me identity,
3:43give me continuity,
3:44but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one.
3:48Give me comfort, give me edge.
3:50Give me novelty, give me familiarity.
3:52Give me predictability, give me surprise.
3:54And we think it's a given,
3:56and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that.
3:58(Laughter)
4:00(Applause)
4:04So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right?
4:08Because I think, in some way --
4:12and I'll come back to that --
4:14but the crisis of desire is often a crisis of the imagination.
4:17So why does good sex so often fade?
4:21What is the relationship between love and desire?
4:23How do they relate, and how do they conflict?
4:27Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism.
4:30So if there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."
4:34And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is "to want."
4:38In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved.
4:42We want to minimize the distance.
4:44We want to contract that gap.
4:46We want to neutralize the tensions.
4:49We want closeness.
4:51But in desire,
4:52we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.
4:56Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.
4:59In desire, we want an Other,
5:02somebody on the other side that we can go visit,
5:05that we can go spend some time with,
5:07that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district.
5:11You know?
5:12In desire, we want a bridge to cross.
5:14Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.
5:17Desire needs space.
5:20And when it's said like that, it's often quite abstract.
5:23But then I took a question with me.
5:25And I've gone to more than 20 countries in the last few years
5:28with "Mating in Captivity," and I asked people,
5:30when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?
5:33Not attracted sexually, per Se, but most drawn.
5:37And across culture, across religion, and across gender -- except for one --
5:41there are a few answers that just keep coming back.
5:46So the first group is:
5:47I am most drawn to my partner when she is away,
5:53when we are apart, when we reunite.
5:57Basically, when I get back in touch
6:00with my ability to imagine myself with my partner,
6:04when my imagination comes back in the picture,
6:07and when I can root it in absence and in longing,
6:12which is a major component of desire.
6:15But then the second group is even more interesting.
6:18I am most drawn to my partner
6:19when I see him in the studio,
6:22when she is onstage,
6:23when he is in his element,
6:25when she's doing something she's passionate about,
6:28when I see him at a party and other people are really drawn to him,
6:31when I see her hold court.
6:33Basically, when I look at my partner radiant and confident.
6:38Probably the biggest turn-on across the board.
6:41Radiant, as in self-sustaining.
6:44I look at this person -- by the way, in desire
6:47people rarely talk about it, when we are blended into one,
6:50five centimeters from each other.
6:51I don't know in inches how much that is.
6:53But it's also not when the other person is that far apart
6:56that you no longer see them.
6:58It's when I'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance,
7:02where this person that is already so familiar, so known,
7:06is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.
7:11And in this space between me and the other lies the erotic élan,
7:16lies that movement toward the other.
7:18Because sometimes, as Proust says,
7:21mystery is not about traveling to new places,
7:23but it's about looking with new eyes.
7:25And so, when I see my partner on his own or her own,
7:29doing something in which they are enveloped,
7:32I look at this person and I momentarily get a shift in perception,
7:37and I stay open to the mysteries that are living right next to me.
7:42And then, more importantly, in this description about the other
7:47or myself -- it's the same --
7:48what is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire.
7:52Nobody needs anybody.
7:55There is no caretaking in desire.
7:57Caretaking is mightily loving.
7:59It's a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.
8:01(Laughter)
8:02I have yet to see somebody who is so turned on
8:05by somebody who needs them.
8:06Wanting them is one thing.
8:08Needing them is a shot down
8:10and women have known that forever,
8:12because anything that will bring up parenthood
8:14will usually decrease the erotic charge.
8:17(Laughter)
8:18For good reasons, right?
8:20And then the third group of answers usually would be:
8:23when I'm surprised, when we laugh together,
8:27as somebody said to me in the office today,
8:30when he's in his tux, so I said, you know,
8:32it's either the tux or the cowboy boots.
8:35But basically it's when there is novelty.
8:38But novelty isn't about new positions.
8:41It isn't a repertoire of techniques.
8:43Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out?
8:46What parts of you are just being seen?
8:49Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do, eh?
8:53Sex is a place you go.
8:55It's a space you enter
8:56inside yourself and with another, or others.
9:00So where do you go in sex?
9:02What parts of you do you connect to?
9:04What do you seek to express there?
9:07Is it a place for transcendence and spiritual union?
9:10Is it a place for naughtiness and is it a place to be safely aggressive?
9:14Is it a place where you can finally surrender
9:16and not have to take responsibility for everything?
9:20Is it a place where you can express your infantile wishes?
9:23What comes out there? It's a language.
9:25It isn't just a behavior.
9:27And it's the poetic of that language that I'm interested in,
9:30which is why I began to explore this concept of erotic intelligence.
9:34You know, animals have sex.
9:36It's the pivot, it's biology, it's the natural instinct.
9:40We are the only ones who have an erotic life,
9:43which means that it's sexuality transformed by the human imagination.
9:49We are the only ones who can make love for hours,
9:53have a blissful time, multiple orgasms,
9:55and touch nobody, just because we can imagine it.
9:59We can hint at it. We don't even have to do it.
10:02We can experience that powerful thing called anticipation,
10:06which is a mortar to desire.
10:08The ability to imagine it, as if it's happening,
10:12to experience it as if it's happening,
10:14while nothing is happening
10:16and everything is happening, at the same time.
10:18So when I began to think about eroticism,
10:21I began to think about the poetics of sex.
10:24And if I look at it as an intelligence,
10:27then it's something that you cultivate.
10:29What are the ingredients?
10:30Imagination, playfulness,
10:33novelty, curiosity, mystery.
10:37But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination.
10:41But more importantly, for me to begin to understand
10:44who are the couples who have an erotic spark,
10:47what sustains desire,
10:49I had to go back to the original definition of eroticism,
10:52the mystical definition,
10:54and I went through it through a bifurcation
10:56by looking, actually, at trauma,
10:58which is the other side.
11:00And I looked at it,
11:01looking at the community that I had grown up in,
11:04which was a community in Belgium, all Holocaust survivors,
11:08and in my community, there were two groups:
11:10those who didn't die, and those who came back to life.
11:14And those who didn't die lived often very tethered to the ground,
11:17could not experience pleasure, could not trust,
11:21because when you're vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure,
11:25you can't lift your head to go and take off in space
11:29and be playful and safe and imaginative.
11:32Those who came back to life
11:34were those who understood the erotic as an antidote to death.
11:37They knew how to keep themselves alive.
11:41And when I began to listen
11:42to the sexlessness of the couples that I work with,
11:45I sometimes would hear people say, "I want more sex,"
11:48but generally, people want better sex,
11:50and better is to reconnect with that quality of aliveness,
11:54of vibrancy, of renewal, of vitality,
11:56of Eros, of energy
11:58that sex used to afford them,
12:00or that they've hoped it would afford them.
12:02And so I began to ask a different question.
12:06"I shut myself off when ..." began to be the question.
12:10"I turn off my desires when ..."
12:12Which is not the same question as,
12:14"What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."
12:18And people began to say, "I turn myself off when
12:21I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body,
12:24when I feel old,
12:25when I haven't had time for myself,
12:27when I haven't had a chance to even check in with you,
12:29when I don't perform well at work,
12:31when I feel low self esteem,
12:33when I don't have a sense of self-worth,
12:35when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,
12:37to receive pleasure."
12:40And then I began to ask the reverse question.
12:42"I turn myself on when ..."
12:44Because most of the time, people like to ask the question,
12:47"You turn me on, what turns me on,"
12:49and I'm out of the question, you know?
12:51Now, if you are dead inside,
12:53the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's.
12:56It won't make a dent. There is nobody at the reception desk.
12:59(Laughter)
13:00So I turn myself on when,
13:02I turn on my desires, I wake up when ...
13:06Now, in this paradox between love and desire,
13:11what seems to be so puzzling
13:13is that the very ingredients that nurture love --
13:17mutuality, reciprocity,
13:19protection, worry, responsibility for the other --
13:23are sometimes the very ingredients that stifle desire.
13:27Because desire comes with a host of feelings
13:31that are not always such favorites of love:
13:35jealousy, possessiveness,
13:37aggression, power, dominance,
13:40naughtiness, mischief.
13:41Basically most of us will get turned on at night by the very same things
13:46that we will demonstrate against during the day.
13:48You know, the erotic mind is not very politically correct.
13:52If everybody was fantasizing on a bed of roses,
13:54we wouldn't be having such interesting talks about this.
13:57(Laughter)
13:58But no, in our mind up there are a host of things going on
14:03that we don't always know how to bring to the person that we love,
14:07because we think love comes with selflessness
14:09and in fact desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness
14:13in the best sense of the word:
14:15the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another.
14:20So I want to draw that little image for you,
14:22because this need to reconcile these two sets of needs,
14:26we are born with that.
14:28Our need for connection, our need for separateness,
14:31or our need for security and adventure,
14:33or our need for togetherness and for autonomy,
14:36and if you think about the little kid who sits on your lap
14:39and who is cozily nested here and very secure and comfortable,
14:43and at some point all of us need to go out into the world
14:47to discover and to explore.
14:49That's the beginning of desire,
14:51that exploratory need, curiosity, discovery.
14:56And then at some point they turn around and they look at you.
15:00And if you tell them,
15:01"Hey kiddo, the world's a great place.
15:03Go for it. There's so much fun out there,"
15:06then they can turn away and they can experience
15:08connection and separateness at the same time.
15:10They can go off in their imagination, off in their body,
15:14off in their playfulness,
15:16all the while knowing that there's somebody when they come back.
15:19But if on this side there is somebody who says,
15:22"I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm depressed.
15:25My partner hasn't taken care of me in so long.
15:28What's so good out there?
15:29Don't we have everything you need together, you and I?"
15:32then there are a few little reactions
15:34that all of us can pretty much recognize.
15:38Some of us will come back,
15:41came back a long time ago,
15:42and that little child who comes back
15:45is the child who will forgo a part of himself
15:48in order not to lose the other.
15:50I will lose my freedom in order not to lose connection.
15:54And I will learn to love in a certain way
15:57that will become burdened with extra worry
16:01and extra responsibility and extra protection,
16:04and I won't know how to leave you
16:07in order to go play, in order to go experience pleasure,
16:10in order to discover, to enter inside myself.
16:13Translate this into adult language.
16:16It starts very young.
16:18It continues into our sex lives up to the end.
16:22Child number two comes back
16:24but looks like that over their shoulder all the time.
16:27"Are you going to be there?
16:29Are you going to curse me, scold me?
16:31Are you going to be angry with me?"
16:33And they may be gone, but they're never really away.
16:36And those are often the people that will tell you,
16:39"In the beginning, it was super hot."
16:41Because in the beginning,
16:43the growing intimacy wasn't yet so strong
16:46that it actually led to the decrease of desire.
16:49The more connected I became, the more responsible I felt,
16:53the less I was able to let go in your presence.
16:56The third child doesn't really come back.
16:59So what happens, if you want to sustain desire,
17:03it's that real dialectic piece.
17:05On the one hand you want the security in order to be able to go.
17:08On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure,
17:12you can't culminate, you don't have an orgasm,
17:15you don't get excited because you spend your time
17:18in the body and the head of the other and not in your own.
17:21So in this dilemma about reconciling these two sets of fundamental needs,
17:27there are a few things that I've come to understand erotic couples do.
17:31One, they have a lot of sexual privacy.
17:34They understand that there is an erotic space
17:37that belongs to each of them.
17:39They also understand that foreplay is not something you do
17:42five minutes before the real thing.
17:44Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.
17:48They also understand that an erotic space isn't about,
17:51you begin to stroke the other.
17:53It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc.,
17:56maybe where you leave the Agile program --
17:59(Laughter)
18:02And you actually just enter that place where you stop being the good citizen
18:06who is taking care of things and being responsible.
18:09Responsibility and desire just butt heads.
18:12They don't really do well together.
18:15Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes.
18:19It's pretty much like the moon.
18:21It has intermittent eclipses.
18:23But what they know is they know how to resurrect it.
18:25They know how to bring it back.
18:27And they know how to bring it back
18:29because they have demystified one big myth,
18:31which is the myth of spontaneity,
18:33which is that it's just going to fall from heaven
18:36while you're folding the laundry like a deus ex machina,
18:39and in fact they understood
18:41that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship, already has.
18:46Committed sex is premeditated sex.
18:49It's willful. It's intentional.
18:52It's focus and presence.
18:55Merry Valentine's.
18:56(Applause)

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