YT YouTube2Text

YouTube2Text → Transcripts → The Season Of Being Alone That Took Me From Anxious to Secure

The Season Of Being Alone That Took Me From Anxious to Secure — Transcript

by Andriana Nik · 5,985 words · 860 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

Open in transcriber Summarize with AI Download SRT/VTT

Full transcript

0:00I think the season where I was the most
0:01alone was actually the season that
0:03changed my love life the most. And not
0:06because I learned how to attract
0:08someone, not because I became better at
0:10dating, not because I finally figured
0:13out what kind of man I was supposed to
0:16choose. It was because I stopped
0:18treating being alone like an emergency.
0:21I stopped thinking that every lonely
0:24night it meant that I needed to find
0:26someone to fill that time with. I
0:28stopped going back to people just
0:30because I wanted to have someone there.
0:33I stopped confusing being wanted with
0:36being loved. And eventually, something
0:38happened that I didn't expect. I
0:40realized that I could want love and
0:43still be completely okay without it. And
0:46that changed the way that I dated
0:48forever. Because once you know you can
0:51be alone, you stop asking, "Who can make
0:54me feel less alone? Who can be here to
0:57fill up this space?" And you finally
0:59start asking, "Who do I actually want to
1:02share my life with?" And those two
1:04questions can lead you to completely
1:07different people. Hey guys, I'm Andriana
1:09and welcome back to my channel. Today
1:11we're talking about the season of being
1:13alone that personally changed my love
1:16life. And when I say being alone, I
1:19don't mean learning how to tolerate
1:21being single while you're secretly
1:24waiting for somebody to come along. I
1:26mean actually learning how to live my
1:28life without constantly looking over my
1:31shoulder, wondering when somebody is
1:34going to arrive. Because for a long
1:36time, I thought that being single was
1:38this temporary state. I was alone until
1:42I met somebody. I was alone until I had
1:45a relationship. And because I saw my
1:47life that way, there was always this
1:49subtle feeling that there was something
1:51missing. Even when things were actually
1:53good in my life, I didn't realize how
1:56much that
1:57was affecting the people that I chose
2:00because when you are afraid of being
2:03alone, you're not always choosing the
2:05person that you genuinely want.
2:08Sometimes you're just end up choosing
2:11the person who makes that loneliness go
2:14away for that moment in your life. And
2:16these are two completely different
2:18decisions that lead to completely
2:21different relationship experiences.
2:23Someone can be completely wrong for you
2:26and they can still make you feel wanted.
2:28Somebody can be inconsistent and they
2:31can still give you enough attention to
2:33temporarily quiet that anxiety of being
2:37lonely. Someone can have a history with
2:40you and still not be someone that you
2:42should go back to. And sometimes you
2:45know all of that. You see all of the red
2:47flags. You know that the relationship
2:49isn't giving you what you really want
2:52and you know that deep down that you
2:55should leave. But then another thought
2:58comes in. It's the thought of, well,
3:00okay, but what happens after I leave?
3:03What happens when the phone stops
3:06ringing? What happens when nobody's
3:08texting me good morning? What happens on
3:10Friday night? What happens when I'm
3:12going to end up with an empty side of
3:14the bed? What happens if nobody else
3:17ends up coming along? And I think that's
3:20the part that we are actually afraid of.
3:23We're not as much as afraid of that
3:25person leaving. We're mostly afraid of
3:27the empty space that they're going to
3:30leave behind. And that was something
3:32that I had to learn to sit with. The
3:35first thing I had to learn was that
3:36being alone isn't the same as being
3:39unloved. And I know this sounds
3:41incredibly simple now, but I didn't
3:44always understand it. Because we're
3:46human, of course we want connection. Of
3:49course we want somebody to call when
3:50something funny happens. We want
3:52somebody to send that stupid little
3:55message to. We want affection. We want
3:58intimacy. We want someone to know how
4:01our day went. We want somebody to come
4:03home to. There's absolutely nothing
4:06wrong with wanting any of that. The
4:08problem begins when you start
4:10interpreting the absence of those things
4:14as evidence that something is wrong with
4:16you. Because then being alone stops
4:18being a circumstance. It becomes a
4:21statement about your own worth, about
4:23your own value. So you're thinking, "Oh,
4:25I'm alone. Therefore, that means I am
4:28unwanted. Nobody has chosen me. This
4:31must be something wrong with me." And
4:33once you believe that, you become
4:35incredibly vulnerable to anyone who
4:38offers you that connection. You don't
4:41necessarily ask in that moment, "Is this
4:43actually good for me? Is this person
4:45good for me?" But you ask, "Well, can
4:48this person make me feel wanted and
4:51therefore less alone and therefore prove
4:54that I am worthy, prove that I am worthy
4:57to be with someone?" And those two
4:58questions are not the same. You can be
5:00texting someone every single day and you
5:03can still feel lonely. You can even be
5:05in a relationship and still feel like
5:08you are starving for the kind of
5:10connection that you actually deeply
5:12want. And I think that was one of the
5:14biggest things that I had to understand
5:17that the opposite of being alone isn't
5:20necessarily being in a relationship. The
5:22opposite of loneliness is actually
5:25connection. And sometimes the first
5:28person that you need to reconnect with
5:30is yourself. Because I realized I was
5:32looking to other people for feelings
5:35that I hadn't learned how to create
5:37inside my own life. I was looking for
5:39excitement, for comfort, for validation,
5:43for companionship. I I looking for that
5:45sense of something was happening. And
5:48[clears throat] once I saw that, once I
5:49realized that, I stopped looking at my
5:52life as something that was waiting to
5:55begin. I started thinking, "Okay, well,
5:57this is my life right now. What do I do
6:01with it now?" And that question sounds
6:03so ordinary, but it completely changes
6:06the energy of being single. Because
6:09instead of you asking, "Well, what am I
6:11supposed to do until I meet someone?"
6:14You're just looking for something to
6:15distract you, it becomes a question of
6:18what will make this life feel like mine.
6:22And that was when I started becoming
6:24much more intentional about my everyday
6:27life. I will go out for walks, I will go
6:29to coffee shops, I will read, I will
6:32work on the things that matter to me, I
6:34will make myself nice meals, I will make
6:37my environment beautiful, I will call my
6:39friends, I'll call my family, I'll go to
6:41places, I will create my own little
6:44rituals that were important to me, I
6:46will make plans. And so, slowly, I
6:48stopped experiencing my life as that
6:51empty space that was waiting to be
6:54filled. I started filling it myself in
6:57an intentional way. And not because I
6:59had convinced myself that I didn't want
7:01love anymore. I still wanted it, but I
7:04stopped making its arrival a
7:05prerequisite for enjoying my life. And
7:08that was the first real shift. And then
7:11I realized that, well, uh loneliness is
7:14a feeling and not an emergency. This is
7:16probably one of the most practical
7:17things that I learned. Because uh
7:20loneliness feels urgent. So, when you
7:23are lonely, your brain doesn't just
7:26calmly tell you, "Hmm, interesting.
7:29You're lonely. Let's explore what this
7:32emotion that is coming up right now is
7:34trying to tell us." It doesn't say that.
7:36Your brain says, "Fix this." Your brain
7:39says, "Make it stop right now. Text
7:42someone. Call someone. Download a dating
7:45app. Go out. Message the ex. Find
7:48someone to distract you. Get attention.
7:50Do something, anything. Our brain goes
7:53into this survival mode and I think this
7:56is where we make some of our worst
7:58romantic decisions. Not because we are
8:01stupid in that moment, but because we're
8:03trying to get out of that uncomfortable
8:06emotional state as quickly as possible.
8:09But loneliness, if you simmer it down,
8:12is just a feeling. It's not an
8:13instruction. Even though it feels like
8:15it, it's not. So, just because you feel
8:18lonely, it doesn't mean that you need to
8:21do something about it immediately. We
8:23don't understand that when this is
8:24happening, but you can miss somebody
8:27without having to contact them. You can
8:29want affection without accepting it from
8:32the wrong person. You can have a lonely
8:34Saturday night without having to make a
8:36permanent decision about your love life.
8:39You can want
8:40without downloading another dating app
8:43at 1:00 a.m. because you're afraid that
8:45you'll never find anyone. And this
8:47distinction became incredibly important
8:50to me because I started noticing how
8:52quickly my brain will turn one feeling
8:56into an entire story. So, I will feel
8:59lonely and then suddenly I will think,
9:01"Oh, I'm going to be alone forever."
9:03Then I will think, "Maybe I was too
9:05picky." Then I will think, "Maybe I
9:07should have stayed." I will think,
9:09"Maybe I should have given them another
9:11chance." And all of a sudden, I was not
9:13responding to that feeling of loneliness
9:15anymore. I was responding to the story
9:18that my brain was creating because I was
9:21lonely. And these are different things,
9:23they're different roots. So, I started
9:25asking myself, "What am I actually
9:27craving right now? Do I want romantic
9:29connection? Do I want physical
9:31affection? Do I want just somebody to
9:34talk to? Am I bored? Am I tired? Am I
9:37having a bad day? Do I crave comfort? Do
9:40I actually miss this person or do I just
9:44miss being wanted? Because sometimes I
9:46didn't need the relationship, I needed
9:48my friend. Sometimes I didn't need a
9:50man, I just simply needed to leave the
9:52house. Sometimes I didn't miss that
9:54person, I just missed the familiarity
9:58that came with them. Sometimes I didn't
10:00want them back, I just wanted the
10:03feeling that I associated with that
10:05human. And so learning to tell the
10:07difference gave me so much freedom. And
10:10that's because I stopped treating every
10:13emotional craving as a romantic problem.
10:16And that is something that I still think
10:18about now. You do not have to solve a
10:21feeling. Sometimes all you have to do is
10:24just let yourself feel it and not run
10:27away from it. So the part that nobody
10:29talks about is learning to seed in that
10:32empty space. And this is where being
10:35alone became so transformative for me.
10:38Because at first, I wanted to fill every
10:41empty space, every empty moment I had.
10:44So if I had free time, I wanted to make
10:48plans. If I felt lonely, I wanted
10:51company. If I missed somebody, I wanted
10:54to contact them. If I didn't have a
10:55romantic prospect, I wanted to find one
10:58to fill that space. But eventually, I
11:01just started wondering, what if I don't
11:03fill that space? What will happen if I
11:06just let it be empty for a little while?
11:08And I think that's where I learned
11:10something about myself that I didn't
11:12know before. What I learned was that
11:14that empty space wasn't actually empty.
11:17It was just quiet and I just was not
11:19used to that quiet. I had never been
11:22quiet long enough to hear what was
11:25underneath everything. I was distracting
11:27myself from it. I didn't give myself the
11:29chance to make peace and make friends
11:31with that quiet. I think because when
11:34you're constantly filling your time with
11:36people, with dating, with talking, with
11:39scrolling, with planning, with thinking,
11:42and and with looking for what's next,
11:44you don't have to confront yourself very
11:46much. Like you keep yourself busy. But
11:49when all of that gets quiet, you start
11:52noticing things. You start wondering,
11:55well, what do I actually like? What do I
11:57actually want? What have I been doing
12:01because I genuinely enjoy it? And what
12:04have I been doing because I thought it
12:06made me desirable or because I thought I
12:09had to? You start questioning yourself,
12:11what what kind of life do I actually
12:13want? What kind of woman am I when
12:16nobody's watching? What I have been
12:18putting off? What parts of myself have I
12:21neglected? And I think that's why being
12:23alone can be so uncomfortable. It's not
12:26always because you're missing another
12:28person. It's not because you're lonely,
12:31you need your friends. Sometimes it's
12:34because you're finally meeting yourself
12:36without distractions. It's because
12:38yourself wants to make contact with you,
12:41wants to learn more about you, it wants
12:43to connect with you, but you are not
12:46used to doing that and that scares you,
12:48that overwhelms you. And that can be
12:50also confronting, but it can also be
12:52incredibly freeing because eventually it
12:55allowed me to stop thinking, "How do I
12:57make this loneliness go away?" And I
12:59started thinking, well, what is this
13:03season of me being alone is making
13:05possible? What is bringing up? What is
13:08this season teaching me? What is it
13:10asking me that I need to figure out? And
13:12so shifting to that question, it changed
13:15so much in my relationship with myself
13:17because it was the thing that opened the
13:20door to self-awareness and to
13:22self-connection. I also stopped waiting
13:25for someone to give me a life. I think
13:29one of the sneakiest ways that we put
13:31our lives on pause is through sentences
13:34like, "Oh, I'll do that when I have
13:37someone. I'll go into that place when
13:40I'm in a relationship and I have someone
13:42to go with." Um
13:44I'll travel with someone. I'll go to
13:46that restaurant when I have a date. I'll
13:48dress up when there's somewhere to go.
13:51We end up thinking, "Oh, I'll make my
13:52life more exciting when I finally have
13:55somebody to share it with." And I
13:56completely understand this. There are
13:58experiences that genuinely are more
14:01beautiful when you have someone to share
14:03them with, whether it's your family,
14:05your friends, or your partner. But, I
14:08realized that I didn't want my life to
14:10become conditional on somebody else's
14:13arrival. So, I started asking myself,
14:15"What will I be doing if I knew nobody
14:18was coming to rescue me from this
14:20season?" And I did those things. If I
14:22wanted to go somewhere,
14:24I went. If I wanted to dress up, I
14:26dressed up. If I wanted to try somewhere
14:28new, if I wanted to try a new
14:30restaurant, I went. If I wanted to
14:32celebrate something, I celebrated it. If
14:34I wanted to have a beautiful morning for
14:35myself, I made one. And yeah, sometimes
14:39I wish someone was there. Of course, I
14:41did. I'm not going to pretend that I was
14:44walking around thinking, "Oh, I don't
14:46need anybody. I'm so completely
14:49fulfilled by all by myself." Sometimes,
14:52I did want somebody next to me. But, I
14:54think there's a huge difference between
14:56I wish someone was here and the thought
14:59that I can't enjoy this because nobody's
15:02here. The first thought is human, but I
15:04think the second one becomes a prison.
15:06And because I've lived that long in that
15:08prison, I wanted out of there. And then
15:11life started testing what I had learned.
15:13And this was where I really found out
15:17whether I had actually changed. And I
15:20think it's easy to say I have standards
15:23when you are in a place where you're
15:25happy with yourself, where you're happy
15:27with your life. It's easy to say, "Oh, I
15:29will never go back to that person." when
15:32you're not tempted. It's easy to say
15:35that, "Oh, I'm completely okay being
15:37alone. I love being alone." when you're
15:39not lonely and you have people around
15:42you, you're busy, you're distracted, and
15:44you're fulfilled with your life. But
15:46then somebody from our past happens to
15:49appear. Or someone you know isn't right
15:51for you suddenly gives you exactly the
15:53attention that you've been craving and
15:55you didn't have for so long. That person
15:58that you wished was in contact with you
15:59texted you that they miss you. And in
16:02those moments, all that philosophy that
16:05you've built around being alone, those
16:07are the moments that this philosophy
16:08gets tested. Every single one of us
16:11eventually will be tested with this. We
16:13have this little heat of a moment where
16:16I'm thinking, "Oh my god, like they came
16:18back." And it's very easy to turn that
16:22feeling of surprise and validation and
16:25short-term validation and satisfaction
16:28that you get into the thought of, "Well,
16:30do you think that maybe this means that
16:32we're supposed to be together? Maybe I
16:35should give it another chance." But what
16:37I've realized was that somebody missing
16:40you, it doesn't automatically mean that
16:43they are capable of loving you properly.
16:45They're capable of loving in the way
16:47that you need. Somebody wanting access
16:50to you doesn't mean that they deserve to
16:53have access to you. Somebody coming back
16:55into your life doesn't mean that you
16:58have to go back to them. And that was a
16:59huge lesson for me because sometimes the
17:03hardest part of being alone isn't
17:06getting through that loneliness. I think
17:08that actually the hardest part is being
17:11willing to remain alone when that wrong
17:14person offers you an escape from it.
17:16When a wrong person comes in and offers
17:19you an escape from it. And I think
17:21that's where you actually find out
17:24whether your standards are actually
17:27standards or they're just preferences
17:29that you have when it is convenient.
17:32Because I think sometimes enforcing your
17:34standards means experiencing the very
17:37thing that you were trying so hard to
17:39avoid. And the thing that you were
17:40trying to avoid was being alone. And so
17:43you have to be come okay with that. You
17:46have to learn to do that. And not
17:48because you are okay with being alone
17:50forever, but because you don't want that
17:54loneliness to be the thing that
17:56negotiates your future. Another thing
17:59that I had to learn was delayed
18:01gratification in love. And this was a
18:03huge shift for me because I think we're
18:06used to thinking about delayed
18:08gratification when it comes to our
18:09careers, our finances, our studies. You
18:13know that you work now so you can have
18:16something later. You know that you can
18:17save now so you can have something
18:20later. You know you can study now so you
18:23can have something later. But I don't
18:24think we talk about delayed
18:26gratification enough when it comes to
18:28relationships. Sometimes I think the
18:31thing that you want right now is not the
18:34thing that is good for your future.
18:36Sometimes you have to let go of the
18:39person that would make your present,
18:41would make your tonight less lonely so
18:44you can leave room and make space for
18:46the relationship that won't make your
18:49life lonely in the long run. And I think
18:52that is very hard. We don't really
18:54understand the repercussions of our
18:56current decisions because a lot of times
18:58our present self is sitting there and is
19:01thinking, well, but I miss them. And
19:03your future self is saying, well, yeah,
19:06no, but remember why you left. Your
19:09present self is the one that is
19:11thinking, oh, at least somebody wants me
19:14right now. I can just get that
19:15validation and it will feel so good."
19:18Your future self is responding to you,
19:20"Well, but do you actually want what
19:23comes with being wanted by this person?"
19:26And I think that's a much harder
19:27question to answer. And so, I think this
19:31was one of the biggest lessons of my
19:32single season, learning to not let
19:36temporary emotional need to make it
19:39permanent decision for me. Because a
19:41decision that you make at 11:00 p.m. at
19:44night because you felt lonely, it can
19:46end up creating a life that your future
19:49self has to spend so many years undoing.
19:52And so, sometimes protecting your future
19:54self means disappointing your present
19:58self. And so, the woman you become while
20:00you are alone gets to become the woman
20:02that chooses your next relationship. And
20:05this is where I think the season of
20:06being alone changed my love life more
20:08than any dating advice ever could
20:10because I started discovering who I was
20:14without another person influencing my
20:16decisions and influencing my self-image
20:19and the way that I saw myself. I learned
20:22on my own what I liked, what I wanted. I
20:25learned what mattered to me. I learned
20:27how I wanted my own days to feel, how to
20:30make my life in an intentional way that
20:33is aligned with me. I learned what kind
20:35of people I wanted around me, what kind
20:38of relationship I actually wanted. And
20:41more importantly, I learned that I
20:43didn't want to lose again. I learned
20:46that I didn't want a relationship that
20:49consumed my entire identity. I didn't
20:51want to spend my life monitoring another
20:54person's moods. I didn't want to
20:56constantly wonder where I stood with
20:58them. I didn't want to feel like I had
21:01to earn affection from them. I didn't
21:03want a relationship that required me to
21:06become smaller and shrink myself. And I
21:09didn't know any of that before I spent
21:11time alone. And I think sometimes you
21:13don't know what you really want until
21:15you have enough space to hear yourself,
21:18to hear what you're thinking. And that's
21:20why I think being alone can be such a
21:23powerful dating experience on its own.
21:26Because you're not just waiting for
21:28someone in that moment of you being
21:30alone, but you are learning to become
21:32more familiar with yourself. And the
21:34more familiar you become with yourself,
21:36the harder it becomes to build a life
21:39that doesn't feel like it's yours, that
21:41doesn't feel aligned with who you are. I
21:43didn't become someone who didn't need
21:45love. And I want to make this
21:47distinction because I think being okay
21:50alone gets a lot of time misunderstood.
21:53So, the goal here isn't to become the
21:57woman that who doesn't want anybody, the
21:59woman that becomes so detached and
22:02disconnected from anyone and from her
22:05emotions. I don't really believe that's
22:07healthy. I love love. I love
22:10partnership. I love having someone to
22:12share your life with. I always found
22:14that so romantic. I love having someone
22:16who knows the little details about my
22:18day, knows the little details of me. I
22:20love having someone to come home to. I
22:23don't want you to convince yourself that
22:25you don't want those things just so you
22:27can feel powerful and detached and in
22:30control. I didn't stop wanting love.
22:33What I did was that I stopped needing
22:36love to make my life feel valid. And
22:39this is very different because when you
22:41don't need a relationship to make your
22:44life feel complete, you're in a place
22:46where you can finally choose one because
22:48you genuinely want that person, because
22:51you genuinely want that relationship,
22:53and not because you're thinking, "Well,
22:55at least I have someone." Not because
22:57you're thinking, "Maybe this is my only
22:59chance." Not because you're thinking, "I
23:02don't know if anyone else will come
23:04along." But because you're thinking, "I
23:06actually want this person in my life."
23:09And this is such a different type of
23:11decision that creates such a different
23:14type of intentional relationship. And
23:16so, the question that changed how I
23:19dated was that I started asking myself,
23:22"If I knew I will never be alone
23:24forever, would I still choose this
23:26person?" And that question was so
23:28powerful because sometimes you're not
23:30really choosing that person. You're
23:31choosing the relief that comes with
23:33them. You're choosing that certainty
23:35that comes in that moment. You're
23:37choosing that familiarity. You're
23:38choosing somebody to just make the empty
23:42space that you feel disappear. And so,
23:44once you know that you can be alone, you
23:48don't need somebody to make that space
23:50disappear. It doesn't become so huge and
23:53frightening and like this big bad
23:55monster. You can actually look at that
23:57person objectively. You can observe
23:59them. And you can ask yourself, "Do I
24:02really like who I am around them? Do I
24:04really like the life that we will
24:06actually build if we were together? Do I
24:10feel peaceful with this person? Do I
24:12feel seen? Do I even respect this
24:13person? Do we have values that align? Do
24:17I genuinely [clears throat]
24:17want them or do I just want to be wanted
24:20by them because that would make me feel
24:22better about myself?" And when you ask
24:24all of these questions, dating becomes
24:26much less about, "Will this person
24:28choose me?" And it becomes more about,
24:31"Well, is this actually the life that I
24:34want?" And that allows you to have
24:36discernment. I don't think I could have
24:38developed that kind of discernment if I
24:41stayed terrified of being alone. And so,
24:44what I think is interesting to mention,
24:46what happened when love finally came
24:48into my life. And this is the part that
24:51makes this season so meaningful to me
24:54because I didn't just become okay with
24:55being alone because I wanted to stay
24:58alone. I became okay with being alone
25:00because I didn't want fear to choose my
25:03relationships for me. And so, that
25:06eventually allowed me to meet someone
25:08that I genuinely wanted to build a life
25:11with. And by the time that relationship
25:14came into my life, I wasn't thinking,
25:16"Oh my god, thank god, someone finally
25:18chose me. They came to save me from my
25:20miserable life." I wasn't looking at
25:23that relationship as a proof that I'm
25:26like, "Oh, you see like, yeah, I'm
25:27lovable." I wasn't thinking that well,
25:31now my life can finally begin. I knew
25:34that my life was already happening. I
25:36knew that my life was already enjoyable
25:38and that was already fun. And that
25:40changed that my relationship as well
25:42completely. Because that relationship
25:44wasn't replacing my life. It was just
25:47simply becoming a part of it. And I
25:50think it's such an important distinction
25:52to make. I was in a place where I still
25:53had my own world. I had my own goals, my
25:56own friendships, my own interests, my
25:59own routines, my own identity. And I
26:02just wanted to share all of that with
26:04somebody. And not because I needed him
26:07to create a life for me that was
26:09meaningful, but because I already loved
26:12the life that we could create together.
26:14And I think that's exactly what I had
26:16been looking for all along. That was
26:18actually my dream relationship. I wasn't
26:20looking for someone to rescue me from
26:23being alone, but I was looking for
26:25someone that I genuinely wanted beside
26:28me when I was already okay and when I
26:30was already enjoying my life. And
26:32ironically, being alone also taught me
26:35how to be a better partner. Because
26:38being secure doesn't mean that you never
26:41feel lonely again. It doesn't mean that
26:44you never want reassurance. It doesn't
26:46mean that you never miss your partner.
26:48It doesn't mean that you never have a
26:50bad day. It simply means that you don't
26:53expect another human being, another
26:55person to come in and eliminate all of
26:59those uncomfortable feelings that you
27:01have inside of you. I learned that you
27:02can want closeness and you still know
27:05how to come home to yourself. You can
27:08want affection and still know how to
27:10soothe yourself and give that affection
27:12to yourself. You can miss someone
27:15without making that feeling mean
27:18something is wrong with the
27:19relationship. I learned that you can
27:21have a life together without becoming
27:23each other's entire identity. I think
27:26that is one of the biggest gifts of
27:28learning how to be alone. I was able to
27:30learn that I can hold myself. So, when
27:33somebody came into my life, I was not
27:35asking them to hold every part of me. I
27:38was just meeting them as myself and they
27:41were able to meet me as themselves. And
27:44from that place, you're able to build
27:46something together. It's not, you know,
27:48two people disappear into one another
27:52and forgetting themselves, but it's just
27:54two people who are whole and complete on
27:57their own and they're just bringing
27:58their two whole and complete lives
28:01together. If you're watching this and
28:03you're in this season right now, I don't
28:06want you to hear me saying just go and
28:08enjoy being single because I know that's
28:10not always helpful. I know that
28:12sometimes you are going to miss having
28:14somebody. I know that sometimes you're
28:16going to have a Saturday night where you
28:19really really wish someone was there. I
28:22know that sometimes you're going to look
28:24around and feel like everyone around you
28:28is moving forward. There are their
28:30people who are getting engaged, they're
28:32moving in together, getting married,
28:34having babies, and you're in a place
28:36where you're wondering, "Well, when is
28:38it going to be my turn?" And I don't
28:40want you to shame yourself for feeling
28:42that way. You are absolutely allowed to
28:46want love. You are allowed to want a
28:48partnership. You are allowed to wish
28:51someone was sitting next to you. I would
28:54say don't let that feeling convince you
28:57that there's something wrong with you.
28:58Your relationship status is not a
29:01timeline. So, being single is not just a
29:04waiting room for your real life. So,
29:06it's immediately when you're in a
29:07relationship, you're going to have
29:09finally your life starting. This is your
29:12life. I'll say go live it. Go somewhere
29:15you've been waiting to go. Make that
29:17dinner for yourself. Buy yourself the
29:19flowers. Take the trip. Go to the gym.
29:22Start that project you've been thinking
29:24about. Read that book. Make your home
29:27beautiful. Call your friends. Call your
29:28family. Try something that you're bad
29:30at. Dress up for no reason. Learn how to
29:33create a beautiful morning that you
29:34actually love. I would say go out have a
29:37terrible date that you end up laughing
29:39about. Have a great date and enjoy it
29:41without immediately start planning your
29:43wedding. Just live. You know, because
29:45the goal isn't to spend your single
29:48season becoming good enough for somebody
29:52to come along. The goal is to become so
29:55present in your own life that you stop
29:58experiencing your single season as
30:00something that you want to escape
30:02immediately, as something that is bad,
30:04that is wrong, that you're ashamed of.
30:06So, the next time you feel that familiar
30:08urge to fix your loneliness, pause.
30:12Don't immediately text that person.
30:14Don't immediately download that app.
30:16Don't immediately call the person you
30:17already know is not right for you. Don't
30:20make a decision at the height of that
30:22emotion. Just ask yourself, what am I
30:25actually feeling? And then ask, what do
30:28I actually need? Maybe you need
30:30connection. So, go call a friend. Maybe
30:33you need affection. So, give yourself
30:35that comfort through By knowing
30:38yourself, you know what it is the thing
30:39that will make you feel comfortable at
30:41that moment. Maybe you need to get out
30:43of the house, so go somewhere. Maybe
30:45you're in a place where you're grieving,
30:47so let yourself grieve. Or maybe you're
30:49just bored, so go and create something,
30:51go do something. Maybe you genuinely
30:54miss someone. Let yourself miss them.
30:56But remember that you don't have to turn
30:59every feeling into an action. And most
31:02importantly, don't make a permanent
31:04romantic decision simply because you had
31:07a lonely night. You do not have to solve
31:10your entire love life at 11:00 p.m. at
31:12night. Let that night be a night, let
31:15that feeling be a feeling, and let a
31:16season be a season, and keep living and
31:19making it as beautiful as it can be.
31:21Because the most beautiful thing that
31:23came out of my alone season wasn't that
31:26I learned how to be single. It was
31:28actually that I learned how to be with
31:30myself. And that became the foundation
31:34for the relationship that I have now. I
31:36didn't became just okay with being alone
31:39because I wanted to be alone forever. I
31:42became okay with being alone because I
31:44never wanted fear to choose my
31:46relationships again for me. And then
31:48when I finally met someone that I
31:50genuinely wanted to build a life with, I
31:53could choose him from a completely
31:55different place. I was not choosing him
31:58from a place of please don't leave me,
32:00but I was choosing him from the place
32:02that I want to build this with you. Not,
32:05you know, thinking you're my whole
32:07world, but I was thinking, well, you're
32:09a beautiful part of my world. I was not
32:11thinking that I need you to make me
32:13happy. I was in a place where I felt I
32:16love the life that we create together.
32:19And I think that's real freedom because
32:20you do not have to choose between being
32:23deeply loved and being deeply yourself.
32:26You can have both. You can You get to
32:28build a life with someone and still have
32:31a life of your own. You can deeply love
32:33someone and still know how to come back
32:36home to yourself. You get to like want
32:39someone deeply without needing them
32:41desperately. And I think that's exactly
32:43what my alone season was preparing me
32:46for. I was not able to see that at the
32:47time, but I thought I was learning how
32:50to live without love, but I was actually
32:52learning how to stop abandoning myself
32:55for love. I was not able to see that at
32:57the time, but that was the biggest gift.
33:00So, if you're alone right now, I don't
33:01want you to ask, "When is someone going
33:04to come and save me?" I want you to ask,
33:06"Who am I becoming while nobody's here?"
33:08Because I promise you the woman that you
33:11become in your alone season is going to
33:13influence what you do when love finally
33:16arrives in your life. Will you choose
33:18because you're afraid or because you
33:21genuinely want that person? Will you
33:23accept whoever is available or will you
33:26wait for what actually fits you, what
33:29actually is right for you? Will you
33:30treat your relationship as your escape
33:33from your loneliness or will you be able
33:35to invite someone into a life that you
33:38already love? And that's exactly why I
33:40think the season of being alone changed
33:43my love life and changed my life in
33:45general. Not because it magically
33:47brought someone into my life, but
33:49because it changed the reason that I
33:52wanted someone there. I was able to stop
33:54looking for someone to fill an empty
33:57space and I started building a life that
34:00I wanted someone to share with. And when
34:02love came, I didn't have to abandon that
34:05life. I was able to bring it with me.
34:07So, if you're in that season right now,
34:10maybe I know you're rushing to get out
34:12of it as soon as possible, but I think
34:14there's something there for you. Maybe
34:16it's not the season where your life is
34:18empty. I think maybe this is the season
34:21where you're finally discovering what
34:23actually belongs in it. And maybe being
34:25willing to be alone
34:27isn't what keeps you from finding love.
34:30I think it's exactly what you need
34:31because it can finally teach you how to
34:33choose it. And that's it for today,
34:35guys. Thank you so much for watching. As
34:37always, if you have any questions, you
34:39can leave them down in the comments. I
34:41appreciate you for being here. If you
34:43need support on how to become secure in
34:46yourself and become finally secure in
34:48your relationships, then you can always
34:50reach out to me on my Instagram and I
34:53can see how I can help you. So, thank
34:55you so much for being here. I'll see you
34:57very soon on the next one. Bye.

About this transcript

This page contains the full transcript of The Season Of Being Alone That Took Me From Anxious to Secure by Andriana Nik, generated from the public captions YouTube serves with the video. The transcript has 5,985 words across 860 segments, with the original timestamps preserved so you can click any line to jump to that moment in the embedded player.

What you can do with it

Use the transcript to take notes, quote the speaker, build a study guide, generate a summary with ChatGPT or Claude via the YouTube Summary tool, or export it as a timed subtitle file with YouTube to SRT. You can also re-open it in the transcriber to translate the transcript into 100+ languages.

Free YouTube transcript tool

YouTube2Text is a free YouTube transcript generator — no signup, no daily limit. Paste any YouTube link and get the full transcript instantly, with timestamps, click-to-jump, translation to 100+ languages, AI prompts for ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, and exports to TXT, SRT, VTT, or Markdown.