The Real Reason People Aren't Connecting With You — Transcript

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1. 0:00If you don't fix this, here's what
2. 0:02happens. You keep showing up, being
3. 0:05capable, intelligent, thoughtful, and
4. 0:08still getting overlooked and
5. 0:10underestimated, [music]
6. 0:11still feeling like something isn't quite
7. 0:13clicking. Because people aren't
8. 0:16experiencing the real you. And until you
9. 0:19learn how to show up as effortlessly you
10. 0:22without overthinking, without
11. 0:24pretending, that gap doesn't close. and
12. 0:27it starts to cost you more than you
13. 0:29realize. [music] So, in this video, I'm
14. 0:31going to show you what actually creates
15. 0:34that feeling of magnetism and why most
16. 0:38people get it completely wrong. The
17. 0:40first shift [music] is this. You have to
18. 0:42stop performing. And this one is sneaky
19. 0:45because most people don't realize that
20. 0:47they're doing it. You're choosing your
21. 0:50words a bit more carefully than you need
22. 0:53to. [music]
23. 0:53You're monitoring how you sound. You're
24. 0:56aiming to come across as intelligent or
25. 0:59warm or impressive or easygoing. All
26. 1:02good things. But the moment that your
27. 1:05attention shifts from the interaction to
28. 1:07how you're being perceived [music]
29. 1:09inside the interaction, something
30. 1:12changes. There's a kind of tension that
31. 1:14starts to creep in and people feel it.
32. 1:17There's actually a lot of research on
33. 1:18how quickly we pick up on this. things
34. 1:21like micro expressions and tone shifts
35. 1:24and subtle inconsistencies, [music] our
36. 1:26brains are constantly scanning for
37. 1:28congruence. So, when what you're saying
38. 1:31and how you're [music] feeling aren't
39. 1:33fully aligned, it creates a tiny signal
40. 1:36of friction. Again, most people won't
41. 1:38consciously think [music] something's
42. 1:40off here. They'll just feel a little
43. 1:42less drawn in, a little less connected.
44. 1:46And this is where a lot of very capable
45. 1:48people get stuck [music]
46. 1:50because they're doing everything right.
47. 1:52They're thoughtful, articulate,
48. 1:54self-aware, but they're also slightly
49. 1:57holding themselves in check. I remember
50. 1:59this really clearly from when I first
51. 2:01started doing more on camera work. I
52. 2:04would sit down. I had my points. I knew
53. 2:06what I wanted to say. And there is this
54. 2:09subtle layer of trying to deliver
55. 2:11[music] it well, trying to sound a
56. 2:14certain way. And if you go back and
57. 2:16watch those videos, nothing is obviously
58. 2:20wrong with them, I don't think, but
59. 2:21[music] there's a kind of tightness
60. 2:23there, a sense that I'm just a little
61. 2:26bit monitoring how I'm coming across.
62. 2:29Compare that to now where I'm much less
63. 2:32focused on how it's landing in real time
64. 2:35and more focused on just saying what I
65. 2:37mean. So the shift here is simple but
66. 2:40not always easy. You want to move your
67. 2:42attention out of yourself [music] and
68. 2:45back into the moment, back into the
69. 2:47conversation and back into the person
70. 2:49that's in front [music] of you and back
71. 2:51into what you actually want to say.
72. 2:53Because magnetism starts to show up when
73. 2:57there's nothing in the way. when there's
74. 2:59[music] no layer of management sitting
75. 3:02between you and the interaction. Here's
76. 3:04a useful way to think about it.
77. 3:05Performing is really about managing your
78. 3:07output, what you're [music] putting out,
79. 3:10how it's landing, what impression it's
80. 3:12creating. And once you're in that mode,
81. 3:14you've stepped one foot out of the
82. 3:17conversation. You're watching it happen
83. 3:19rather than being in it. So, dropping
84. 3:22that one layer changes a lot. Okay. The
85. 3:25second shift is to reduce the internal
86. 3:28noise. Now, this is connected to
87. 3:30performing, but it's a different
88. 3:32problem. So, performing is about what
89. 3:35you're putting out. This one is about
90. 3:37what's happening on the receiving end.
91. 3:40Because even when you're not actively
92. 3:43trying to manage impressions, a lot of
93. 3:45people are still running a full
94. 3:48conversation in their own head while
95. 3:50they're talking to someone else. So,
96. 3:52you're listening, but you're also
97. 3:53thinking, "What should I say next? Did
98. 3:56that come out right? Am I making sense?
99. 3:59[music] What do they think of me?" It's
100. 4:01subtle, but it splits your attention.
101. 4:03Part of you is in the moment, and then
102. 4:06part of you is watching yourself in the
103. 4:08moment. And that divide is enough to
104. 4:12weaken your presence because magnetism
105. 4:14is closely tied to attention. People can
106. 4:17tell when they have your full attention
107. 4:20and they definitely feel it when they
108. 4:21don't. You have probably had the
109. 4:24experience of talking to someone who is
110. 4:26technically engaged. They are nodding.
111. 4:29They're responding, but something feels
112. 4:32slightly off, like they're not
113. 4:34completely there. That's what this
114. 4:36[music] is. So, the fix here is to get
115. 4:38genuinely interested. Start noticing
116. 4:41specifics. What are they actually
117. 4:43saying? what's underneath what they're
118. 4:46saying? What's interesting here? Or even
119. 4:48more simply, just decide, I am going to
120. 4:51fully listen to this person. That alone
121. 4:54quiets a lot of the noise because your
122. 4:56brain has a job now. And when that
123. 4:59internal commentary settles down,
124. 5:01something else opens up. There's more
125. 5:04space in how you respond, more ease in
126. 5:07how you speak. You're not rushing in to
127. 5:09fill gaps or prove anything. And again,
128. 5:12people feel that. They [music] feel when
129. 5:14someone is really easy to be with, when
130. 5:17there's no pressure in the interaction,
131. 5:20when they don't have to work to connect.
132. 5:23That is a big part of what we're calling
133. 5:25magnetism here. It's a kind of [music]
134. 5:27grounded availability. And most people
135. 5:30are a lot closer to it than they think.
136. 5:32They just have too much internal noise
137. 5:35in their heads that's in [music] the
138. 5:37way. So, I'm actually curious which one
139. 5:39of these do you notice in yourself the
140. 5:42most? Is it that internal commentary or
141. 5:45more that performing piece? So, let me
142. 5:47know in the comments. I read all of
143. 5:49them, even if I don't always have a
144. 5:51chance to respond to every single one.
145. 5:53The third shift is to own your pace.
146. 5:56This one is really easy to overlook, but
147. 5:58it changes how you come across almost
148. 6:00immediately. So, a lot of people move
149. 6:03too quickly when they're interacting.
150. 6:05[music] They speak quickly. They respond
151. 6:07quickly. They fill every gap. [music]
152. 6:10And underneath that, there's usually a
153. 6:12bit of urgency, a sense of needing to
154. 6:15keep things going [music]
155. 6:16to keep the other person engaged and to
156. 6:19make sure it's landing. But that pace
157. 6:22creates a certain kind of energy. It can
158. 6:24feel slightly anxious, slightly
159. 6:27effortful. And again, people pick up on
160. 6:29that. When someone is grounded, their
161. 6:32pace reflects it. They're not rushing to
162. 6:35get their point across. They're not
163. 6:37overexplaining to make sure that they
164. 6:39are understood. They [music] say what
165. 6:42they want to say and they let it land.
166. 6:45Even small things start to shift here.
167. 6:47So, you pause for a second before you
168. 6:50respond. You let there be a moment of
169. 6:52silence without jumping in to fill it.
170. 6:55You don't stack three explanations on
171. 6:58top of each other just to be sure. From
172. 7:00the inside, this can feel like you're
173. 7:02doing less, like you're being a bit too
174. 7:05quiet or a bit too slow. But from the
175. 7:08outside, it reads very differently. It
176. 7:11reads as calm, [music] as self-rust,
177. 7:13someone who isn't trying to win the
178. 7:16interaction. So, I noticed this really
179. 7:18clearly on the golf course, actually
180. 7:20playing with people who were just
181. 7:22talking through every shot, reacting to
182. 7:25everything, filling every second, and
183. 7:28then noticing how different it felt when
184. 7:30I played [music] with people who were
185. 7:32playing in a different way. They take
186. 7:34their time, and they're not commenting
187. 7:37on every outcome. There's a kind of
188. 7:40steadiness that comes through. Magnetism
189. 7:43has a rhythm to it and most people are
190. 7:45just a little bit ahead of that rhythm.
191. 7:48Now, if you're recognizing yourself in
192. 7:50some of the things that I am talking
193. 7:51about here where you know you're capable
194. 7:54but it's just not translating the way it
195. 7:56should, this is exactly the kind of
196. 7:59thing that I put into my self-sabotage
197. 8:01recovery guide. If you can see yourself
198. 8:04in what we have been talking about, then
199. 8:06that's where I would start. It helps you
200. 8:09to spot the subtle ways that you get in
201. 8:11your own way and more importantly how to
202. 8:14[music] shift it. So you can download it
203. 8:16below. The fourth shift is to stop
204. 8:18diluting yourself to be more likable.
205. 8:20This shows up in ways that are pretty
206. 8:22easy to miss. [music] You soften what
207. 8:24you really think. You add extra
208. 8:26qualifiers. You agree more than you
209. 8:30actually do. You downplay parts of
210. 8:32yourself that might feel like too much.
211. 8:34And again, it's coming from a reasonable
212. 8:37place. You want to connect. You want the
213. 8:40interaction to go well. But when you
214. 8:42keep adjusting yourself in that
215. 8:44direction, something gets lost. There's
216. 8:47less clarity. And clarity is a big part
217. 8:50of what draws people in. So here's what
218. 8:52this sounds like in practice. Someone
219. 8:54asks your opinion and instead of saying
220. 8:57what you actually think, you say, "I
221. 9:00mean, it depends. There are definitely
222. 9:01pros and cons. it could work versus just
223. 9:05honestly I'd probably do it differently
224. 9:07and here's why. So same person, same
225. 9:10moment, completely different presence.
226. 9:13The second version gives people
227. 9:15something real to respond to. There's a
228. 9:18sense of okay, I know where you stand.
229. 9:20When everything is softened and hedged
230. 9:23and kind of smoothed out, it's harder to
231. 9:25feel that. And people don't lean in in
232. 9:28the same way. They don't get a strong
233. 9:31sense of you. they don't remember you as
234. 9:33[music] clearly. This doesn't mean that
235. 9:36you need to be bold or provocative just
236. 9:38for the sake of it. It's just being a
237. 9:41little more direct with what you already
238. 9:44think. A little more willing to let your
239. 9:46perspective stand on its own. You don't
240. 9:49need to rush in and agree to keep things
241. 9:51comfortable. You don't need to explain
242. 9:54every angle to make sure no one could
243. 9:57possibly misunderstand you. You can say
244. 10:00the thing and let it be enough. There's
245. 10:02a kind of steadiness in that and people
246. 10:05are drawn to it. They trust it more
247. 10:08because [music]
248. 10:09it feels like it's coming from somewhere
249. 10:11real. So if you want to become more
250. 10:13magnetic, this is one of the quiet
251. 10:15shifts. You allow yourself to be more
252. 10:18clearly yourself, less edited. The fifth
253. 10:22shift is to become someone that you
254. 10:25actually believe in. Because everything
255. 10:27that we have talked about so far,
256. 10:30performance, internal noise, pace,
257. 10:33dilution, those are all surface level
258. 10:36expressions of something deeper, they
259. 10:37tend to show up when underneath it all,
260. 10:40you're not fully sold on yourself. So,
261. 10:44you compensate. You monitor a bit more
262. 10:46closely. You adjust a bit more
263. 10:48carefully. You hesitate just a bit more
264. 10:51than you need to. It's subtle, but it's
265. 10:54enough to take the edge off your [music]
266. 10:56presence. And this is why trying to act
267. 10:59more magnetic rarely works for very
268. 11:02long. You can change your body language,
269. 11:05your tone, your delivery, but if your
270. 11:08underlying self-concept hasn't shifted,
271. 11:10it keeps pulling you back into those
272. 11:13same patterns. What does work is much
273. 11:16simpler. You start to see yourself
274. 11:19differently. You begin relating to
275. 11:22yourself as someone who is worth
276. 11:24listening to, someone whose perspective
277. 11:27has weight, someone who doesn't need to
278. 11:30prove or earn their place in every
279. 11:33interaction. And when that starts to
280. 11:35settle in even a little bit, your
281. 11:37behavior changes all on its own. You
282. 11:40speak more plainly. You take up [music]
283. 11:42more space. So I see this all the time
284. 11:45with clients. someone who is already
285. 11:48capable, already thoughtful, already
286. 11:51articulate, but it's just not
287. 11:52translating. So, they feel overlooked
288. 11:54and [music] underestimated. And then
289. 11:57something shifts in how they see
290. 12:00themselves. Sometimes something very
291. 12:02specific and small and suddenly the
292. 12:05exact same person starts landing
293. 12:07completely differently. Same words, same
294. 12:10environments, different [music]
295. 12:11presence. That's the lever. When your
296. 12:14internal sense of self is solid,
297. 12:16everything else simplifies. There's less
298. 12:19to manage and less to compensate for and
299. 12:21less to think about. [music]
300. 12:23And that is where that feeling of
301. 12:25effortless starts to come from because
302. 12:28[music]
303. 12:28there's just less in the way. So when
304. 12:31you put all of this together, what you
305. 12:33start to [music] see is that magnetism
306. 12:35isn't something that you add on. It's
307. 12:38what's left when there is less
308. 12:40interference. When you're not
309. 12:42performing, when your attention is
310. 12:45actually in the moment, [music] when
311. 12:47you're not rushing yourself, when you're
312. 12:50not sanding down your edges, and when
313. 12:54underneath all of that, you actually
314. 12:56trust yourself. Then people experience
315. 12:58you differently. They lean in more. They
316. 13:01stay more engaged. [music]
317. 13:03They remember you. And nothing about
318. 13:06that requires you to become a different
319. 13:08person. [music] It's more about removing
320. 13:11the layers that were never really you to
321. 13:14begin with. Now, one thing that I hear a
322. 13:16lot, especially from people who have
323. 13:18spent decades in these patterns, is is
324. 13:21it too late? I'm in my 40s, my 50s, my
325. 13:2460s. Is this just who I am now? [music]
326. 13:27So, I want to address that directly
327. 13:29because it's the wrong question. The
328. 13:32patterns that we have been talking
329. 13:33about, performing, noise, rushing,
330. 13:36diluting, those aren't your personality.
331. 13:39They're just habits. And habits shift
332. 13:42when you can actually see them. [music]
333. 13:44Age doesn't close that door. If
334. 13:46anything, the self-awareness that you
335. 13:48have accumulated over decades makes this
336. 13:51faster to work through, not slower. So,
337. 13:54if that landed, then the next video I
338. 13:56would watch is this one, how to be
339. 13:58magnetic at any [music] age. It goes
340. 14:01deeper on exactly that, how presence
341. 14:03develops over time and why a lot of
342. 14:06people find that this actually clicks
343. 14:08more naturally in their 40s and 50s and
344. 14:11beyond than it ever did when they were
345. 14:14younger. So, that one is up next and I
346. 14:17will see you there. Okay,
347. 14:20just stretch.
348. 14:22[gasps]
349. 14:23Okay, [sighs]
350. 14:24they fill every gap and [laughter]
351. 14:27that was weird. Let's try that again.
352. 14:30The fifth shift.
353. 14:33That's kind of hard to say. Fifth. Fifth
354. 14:36shift.