The Real Reason for Marriage - Prof. Jordan Peterson — Transcript

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1. 0:00that's actually why people get married
2. 0:01you know just so you know
3. 0:05because this is built into marital vows
4. 0:08I'm not leaving
5. 0:10ever no matter what it's like okay well
6. 0:13that definitely puts a boundary around
7. 0:15our arguments right because I can't say
8. 0:17every time you manifest one of your
9. 0:19flaws which you're likely to do just as
10. 0:22often as me well enough of this it's
11. 0:24like that's horrible man if your whole
12. 0:26life is well every time you get out of
13. 0:28line I'm out of here it's like how the
14. 0:30hell are you first of all you're not
15. 0:31going to admit to ever doing anything
16. 0:33wrong second you're going to be on your
17. 0:37you're like a like a scared cat the
18. 0:39entire relationship because well who
19. 0:41knows it could just come to an end at
20. 0:42any moment it's like you know people say
21. 0:45well if you're if the possibility of
22. 0:47divorce is open it makes you free it's
23. 0:49like yeah that's what you want you want
24. 0:51to be free really really
25. 0:54so you can't predict anything that's
26. 0:56what you're after
27. 0:57it's a vow and it says look
28. 1:00I know that your trouble
29. 1:04me too
30. 1:05so we won't leave
31. 1:08no matter what happens well that's a
32. 1:10hell of a vow but that's why it's a vow
33. 1:12right that's why you take it in front of
34. 1:13a bunch of people that's why it's
35. 1:14supposed to be a sacred act it's like
36. 1:16what's the alternative
37. 1:18what's the alternative
38. 1:19everything is mutable and changeable at
39. 1:22any moment
40. 1:23well go ahead you live you live your
41. 1:24life like that and see what you're like
42. 1:25when you're 50. Jesus it's dismal two or
43. 1:28three divorces your family's fragmented
44. 1:30you've got no continuity of narrative
45. 1:33it's and it's not good for the kids not
46. 1:35by any stretch of the imagination and so
47. 1:37it's a form of
48. 1:39voluntary enslavement I suppose but it's
49. 1:42also equivalent to the adoption of a
50. 1:44responsibility and there's more to it
51. 1:45than that if you can't run away then you
52. 1:47can solve your problems because it might
53. 1:49be okay well I'm stuck with you
54. 1:52so how about we fix things
55. 1:55because the alternative is we're going
56. 1:56to be in a boxing match for the next 40
57. 1:58years that's the alternative so and you
58. 2:02think you're going to fix problems
59. 2:03without something like that hanging over
60. 2:05your head there isn't a chance you'll
61. 2:07just avoid them because that's what
62. 2:08people do it's really hard to solve
63. 2:10problems especially in a relationship
64. 2:11we're having a fight and I find out that
65. 2:13it's you know because you're you are
66. 2:15abused by your uncle when you were five
67. 2:17or some goddamn thing you know it's like
68. 2:19it's very frequent that that sort of
69. 2:21thing happens you there's the partner
70. 2:23your partner is you know manifesting
71. 2:25some weird anomalous Behavior you just
72. 2:27can't make heads or tails of it it
73. 2:29doesn't seem related to what you're
74. 2:30doing at all they don't want to talk
75. 2:32about it and so as soon as you bring it
76. 2:34up they get mad then you bring it up
77. 2:36again they even get madder and they tell
78. 2:37you that you're not going to talk about
79. 2:39that or they're going to leave and so
80. 2:40maybe you really really persistent
81. 2:42because you're kind of a son of a [ __ ]
82. 2:44and then they break down and cry you
83. 2:46know and then they have this horrible
84. 2:48memory that comes flooding forward
85. 2:50that's completely you don't know what to
86. 2:52do with it and then you have to sort it
87. 2:54out it's like you think you're going to
88. 2:55do that unless there's a good reason
89. 2:57you have to know we better sort this out
90. 2:59and we're going to be carrying it around
91. 3:00for the next 40 years that maybe is
92. 3:03enough motivation so you'll actually try
93. 3:05hard to solve a problem it's a lot
94. 3:07easier to say well sorry we're not going
95. 3:09there but then good you'll have it every
96. 3:12day every day every goddamn day for the
97. 3:14rest of your life
98. 3:15see there's some there's some additional
99. 3:17problems with divorce that people don't
100. 3:18really grasp
101. 3:20when they're young
102. 3:21like the idea that you can be divorced
103. 3:23once you have children that's kind of a
104. 3:25stupid idea because you can't
105. 3:28you can you can you can find a limited
106. 3:33substitute for your initial freedom
107. 3:35but if you if you have kids and you try
108. 3:38to get divorced the probability that
109. 3:40that's going to demolish your life is
110. 3:41very very high
111. 3:43first of all it's incredibly expensive
112. 3:45so one or both of you is going to come
113. 3:47out of that poor
114. 3:49and
115. 3:52your market value has declined let's say
116. 3:54you're the woman who takes the kids
117. 3:56your market value has declined radically
118. 3:59you're going to be poorer the man he's
119. 4:02just a screwed because he is now an
120. 4:05indentured servant and there's no escape
121. 4:07from it
122. 4:08so it's and it's not so bad if you can
123. 4:11negotiate a peaceful separation and some
124. 4:13people can but lots of times if you have
125. 4:15a terrible relationship it's not like
126. 4:17negotiating a peaceful separation is all
127. 4:19that easy but if you're at each other's
128. 4:21throats good luck to you I think it's
129. 4:24roughly equivalent to having non-fatal
130. 4:26cancer
131. 4:27it is not pleasant it's a 10-year
132. 4:30process 15-year process it'll cost you
133. 4:32two hundred and fifty thousand dollars
134. 4:34and it'll tear a big chunk out of your
135. 4:36life and also it will really disrupt
136. 4:38your relationship with your kids
137. 4:40and you know you bring kids into a step
138. 4:43parent family they do not do as well
139. 4:45step parents are not as good parents as
140. 4:47biological parents and the data on that
141. 4:49is clear now obviously there are
142. 4:51exceptions because there are terrible
143. 4:53biological parents and there are
144. 4:54wonderful step parents but if you look
145. 4:56in aggregate
146. 4:58it's not that easy to care for children
147. 5:01you need everything
148. 5:03you can binding you to them and if
149. 5:06they're someone else's children
150. 5:08mostly they get in the way of the person
151. 5:10that you love
152. 5:12right
153. 5:13well if I'm let's say you have a child
154. 5:16I'll be right out let's say you have a
155. 5:19child and I want to go out with you
156. 5:21every second you spend with that child
157. 5:23is the second you don't spend with me
158. 5:25and and there's going to be a price for
159. 5:27that I'm not going to be happy about
160. 5:28that and and if I have a child you're
161. 5:31going to feel exactly the same way you
162. 5:32might say well no I love children it's
163. 5:34like yeah yeah sure
164. 5:36sure you do I doubt it you might love
165. 5:39your child
166. 5:41and and you know it's pretty specific
167. 5:42the way that people love children
168. 5:44so and the rate of abuse for kids in
169. 5:48step parent families is way higher than
170. 5:49it is in biological families there's not
171. 5:51even any comparison