The Psychology of Women Who Don't Need to Be Seen — Transcript

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1. 0:00Have you ever noticed that some women
2. 0:01can go on vacation, have a huge birthday
3. 0:03party, get into a relationship, and
4. 0:05somehow post none of it? I used to think
5. 0:08people like this were just more private,
6. 0:10but the more interesting difference is
7. 0:11what happens when you stop experiencing
8. 0:13your life with social media constantly
9. 0:15in the background. You compare yourself
10. 0:17less. You stop thinking about how
11. 0:19everything looks. You become less
12. 0:20dependent on other people knowing what
13. 0:22you're doing, and eventually, you can
14. 0:24actually enjoy missing out. So, let's
15. 0:26talk about why some women barely post
16. 0:28and what the rest of us can learn from
17. 0:29them. Part one, they're more present.
18. 0:31Think about the last time you were
19. 0:33somewhere beautiful. Maybe you're on
20. 0:34vacation and the sunset is ridiculous.
21. 0:37You take a picture because, obviously,
22. 0:38you want to remember it. Then you
23. 0:40realize the picture doesn't look as good
24. 0:41as the sunset, so you try another angle.
25. 0:43Now you want one with yourself in it.
26. 0:45Someone takes it, you check it, you
27. 0:47don't like it, so you take another. 10
28. 0:49minutes ago you were watching the
29. 0:50sunset. Now you're trying to capture it
30. 0:52properly. I don't think taking pictures
31. 0:54ruins an experience. That's too
32. 0:55dramatic, and honestly, I'm grateful for
33. 0:57most of the pictures I have. The
34. 0:59difference is whether documenting the
35. 1:00moment is part of the experience or
36. 1:02becomes the experience. When you don't
37. 1:04feel pressure to capture everything
38. 1:06properly, you can have a good meal
39. 1:07without caring whether the restaurant is
40. 1:09photogenic. You can wear an outfit you
41. 1:11love without needing a picture of
42. 1:12yourself in it. You can have an amazing
43. 1:14weekend that nobody else ever knows
44. 1:16happened. The experience doesn't become
45. 1:18less valuable because nobody saw it. And
46. 1:20if you like conversations like this
47. 1:21about confidence, psychology, and social
48. 1:23power, follow Aura Queen. That's
49. 1:26basically what we do here. Part two,
50. 1:28they compare less. Social media also
51. 1:30gives us a completely unnatural number
52. 1:32of people to compare ourselves to. In
53. 1:34normal life, nobody is the best at
54. 1:36everything. Your friend might have the
55. 1:37career you want, but you've also seen
56. 1:39her cry over a man who doesn't deserve
57. 1:41her. Another friend is gorgeous, but
58. 1:43terrible with money. Someone else has an
59. 1:45amazing relationship, but hates her job.
60. 1:47You know these people as whole human
61. 1:49beings. Online, you can compare every
62. 1:52individual part of yourself to somebody
63. 1:54who seems exceptional at exactly that
64. 1:56thing. Your body gets compared to the
65. 1:57fitness girl. Your apartment gets
66. 1:59compared to the interior designer. Your
67. 2:01career gets compared to the 25-year-old
68. 2:03founder. Your relationship gets compared
69. 2:05to somebody's anniversary trip to Lake
70. 2:06Como. Nobody can win that game because
71. 2:09you're not comparing yourself to one
72. 2:10person anymore. You're comparing
73. 2:12yourself to thousands of people's best
74. 2:13categories. And because you're seeing
75. 2:15their most interesting moments while
76. 2:17experiencing every boring moment of your
77. 2:19own life, the comparison is already
78. 2:20unfair. Someone who spends less time
79. 2:23watching other people's lives simply has
80. 2:25fewer opportunities to make that
81. 2:26comparison. Her world becomes smaller,
82. 2:28but in a useful way. She's judging her
83. 2:30life against her actual life instead of
84. 2:32an endless feed of alternatives. Part
85. 2:34three, they don't need everything
86. 2:36validated. I think this is the most
87. 2:38interesting part. Posting isn't
88. 2:39necessarily showing off. A lot of the
89. 2:41time we just want something to be
90. 2:42witnessed. You got the promotion and
91. 2:44people congratulate you. Your boyfriend
92. 2:46bought you flowers and everyone tells
93. 2:47you how cute it is. You look incredible
94. 2:49and suddenly 200 people have confirmed
95. 2:51that yes, you looked incredible. That
96. 2:53feels good. Of course it does. The
97. 2:55problem starts when the reaction becomes
98. 2:57part of how you decide whether the
99. 2:59experience was good in the first place.
100. 3:00You loved the picture until it didn't
101. 3:02get many likes. You were happy with your
102. 3:04apartment until you saw someone else's.
103. 3:06You thought your relationship was
104. 3:07romantic until you watched another woman
105. 3:09receive something bigger. Now other
106. 3:11people's reactions aren't just
107. 3:12responding to your life. They're helping
108. 3:14you evaluate it. Keeping some things
109. 3:15private interrupts that. You get to ask
110. 3:17a much cleaner question. Did I like it?
111. 3:20Would I still love this dress if nobody
112. 3:21saw me wearing it? Would I still want to
113. 3:23go to this restaurant if I couldn't post
114. 3:25it? Would this achievement still matter
115. 3:27if nobody congratulated me? You don't
116. 3:29have to become some mysterious woman who
117. 3:31refuses to tell anyone anything. That's
118. 3:33just another performance. You just need
119. 3:35some experiences that don't require
120. 3:36witnesses. This is also something I talk
121. 3:39about in my free guide, the good girl
122. 3:40text, because becoming overly aware of
123. 3:42other people's reactions can quietly
124. 3:44change the decisions we make for
125. 3:46ourselves. If that's something you
126. 3:47struggle with, I'll leave it completely
127. 3:49free below. Part four, they miss out.
128. 3:52This is the part that sounds bad until
129. 3:53you actually experience it. When you're
130. 3:55constantly online, you know what
131. 3:57everybody is doing. You know who's in
132. 3:59Paris. You know who got engaged. You
133. 4:01know who went to dinner without you. You
134. 4:02know your old classmate bought a house.
135. 4:04You know some girl you've never met is
136. 4:06spending Tuesday afternoon on a yacht.
137. 4:08Your brain now has thousands of
138. 4:09opportunities every day to discover
139. 4:11somewhere else you could be. That's
140. 4:13basically the perfect environment for
141. 4:14FOMO. But if you don't know about the
142. 4:16dinner, you can't feel excluded from it.
143. 4:18If you don't see the vacation, you don't
144. 4:20compare it to yours. If you have no idea
145. 4:22what 400 acquaintances did this weekend,
146. 4:24your own Saturday gets to just be your
147. 4:26Saturday. That's why I understand people
148. 4:28who describe the opposite of FOMO as
149. 4:30JOMO, the joy of missing out. There's
150. 4:32relief in not knowing, and I don't think
151. 4:34you need to delete Instagram to
152. 4:35experience that. You can simply become
153. 4:37more selective about how much access
154. 4:39social media gets to your attention.
155. 4:41Post the birthday if you want. Take 200
156. 4:43vacation pictures. Send your friends the
157. 4:45flowers. But keep some things for
158. 4:47yourself. Not because privacy makes you
159. 4:49mysterious or more attractive, but
160. 4:51because it's useful to know what your
161. 4:52life feels like when nobody is reacting
162. 4:54to it. And if you want to go deeper into
163. 4:56building that kind of internal life,
164. 4:58where your sense of self isn't
165. 4:59constantly being adjusted according to
166. 5:01attention and approval, that's what I
167. 5:02explore in the unseen advantage, my full
168. 5:05Aura guide. I'll leave that below, too.
169. 5:07The more I think about people who barely
170. 5:09post, the less I think there's anything
171. 5:11particularly mysterious about them.
172. 5:13>> [clears throat]
173. 5:13>> They've just removed some of the
174. 5:14opportunities to compare, perform, and
175. 5:16look for validation. And you don't have
176. 5:18to disappear from the internet to do the
177. 5:20same thing. Take the pictures. Post when
178. 5:22you want to. Enjoy seeing what your
179. 5:24friends are doing. Just make sure you
180. 5:26still have parts of your life that you
181. 5:27enjoy without needing anyone else to
182. 5:29know about them. Because that's probably
183. 5:31the simplest test of whether you
184. 5:33actually like the life you're living. If
185. 5:35you enjoyed this, subscribe to Aura
186. 5:36Queen, and tell me in the comments,
187. 5:38could you go on an amazing vacation and
188. 5:40genuinely post none of it?