The Psychology of Perfectionism and Why You Never Feel Good Enough — Transcript

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1. 0:00Have you ever noticed that no matter how
2. 0:02much you achieve, how much you improve
3. 0:04yourself, how hard you try, you still
4. 0:07feel not good enough? Today I want to
5. 0:10explain the psychology behind this
6. 0:12feeling, why perfectionism keeps us
7. 0:15stuck in it, and most importantly, what
8. 0:18to do to actually change it. This is
9. 0:20something so many people experience,
10. 0:23often without realizing how much it's
11. 0:26affecting their lives. And when we talk
12. 0:28about perfectionism, we often imagine a
13. 0:31person who is so ambitious, organized,
14. 0:34productive, has everything under
15. 0:36control. But in real life, it can look
16. 0:39in so many different ways. It can look
17. 0:42like spending an hour writing an email
18. 0:44because you're worried of how someone
19. 0:46will interpret it. Or it can look like
20. 0:49having a really productive day, and then
21. 0:51at the end of the day still getting this
22. 0:54guilt feeling that you haven't done
23. 0:56enough. Can look like constantly
24. 0:58comparing yourself to other women and
25. 1:01questioning whether you're intelligent
26. 1:03enough, attractive enough, doing enough,
27. 1:06whether you're enough just enough in
28. 1:08comparison to someone else. Or maybe you
29. 1:11have this idea that you're supposed to
30. 1:14become this version of you who is more
31. 1:16confident, more intelligent, more
32. 1:20disciplined, more successful, and you
33. 1:22keep thinking that once you become this
34. 1:24version of yourself, then you can be
35. 1:27satisfied with yourself. But somehow,
36. 1:29the goal keeps moving, and once you
37. 1:32achieve something, you already think of
38. 1:34the next thing to achieve. And I think
39. 1:36an important question here is what if
40. 1:39your sense of self-worth depends on
41. 1:42constantly becoming better. So first,
42. 1:44let's understand what is happening
43. 1:46psychologically here. One of the most
44. 1:49important concepts here is conditional
45. 1:52self-worth. It's when your sense of
46. 1:55self-worth depends on meeting a specific
47. 1:59criterion. For example, I feel good
48. 2:01about myself when I'm productive. I feel
49. 2:04worthy when other people approve of me.
50. 2:07I feel attractive when I look a certain
51. 2:11way. I feel successful when I achieve
52. 2:14something. And when those conditions
53. 2:16aren't met, your sense of worth starts
54. 2:19to suffer. Now, where does this come
55. 2:21from? There's no one universal
56. 2:24explanation for it. It's normally a
57. 2:26combination of personality, family
58. 2:29experiences, environment, and learning.
59. 2:32But, I want to still give you an
60. 2:33example. Imagine a child who grows up
61. 2:36receiving a lot of attention and
62. 2:38recognition for being a good student.
63. 2:41Whenever she receives good grades,
64. 2:43people praise her. They say how
65. 2:45intelligent she is, how much of a
66. 2:47potential she has.
67. 2:49And there's nothing inherently wrong
68. 2:51with praising a child. But, depending on
69. 2:54the wider environment, that child can
70. 2:57gradually start to associate her value
71. 3:02on success, on her grades, on
72. 3:05performance. She starts to believe that
73. 3:07being an intelligent one, being the
74. 3:09responsible one, being the best is an
75. 3:12important quality for what she gets
76. 3:16valued, for what she receives love. And
77. 3:19then, when she makes a mistake, it can
78. 3:22carry a much bigger emotional weight
79. 3:25because this is now connected to how she
80. 3:28sees herself. And something similar can
81. 3:31also happen when we grow up around a lot
82. 3:33of criticism, high expectation,
83. 3:36comparison. And sometimes, these
84. 3:38expectations are not even explicitly
85. 3:41communicated, but children are extremely
86. 3:45observant, and they notice how adults
87. 3:47react to their failures, how they talk
88. 3:51about their bodies, what seems to get
89. 3:53approval, and we can internalize these
90. 3:56messages, and we can create rules around
91. 3:59this. Rules about what makes us
92. 4:02acceptable. And what I find fascinating
93. 4:04is how we can carry all of this into
94. 4:07adulthood. You can be 30 years old,
95. 4:10living independently, building a career,
96. 4:12being successful in what you do, and
97. 4:15react to mistakes as if re-experiencing
98. 4:20disappointing someone. Of course, our
99. 4:22early experiences don't determine our
100. 4:24entire future, but it's very helpful to
101. 4:27look at those early experiences to
102. 4:29understand ourselves better. Now, here's
103. 4:32something I really want you to
104. 4:34understand. If you've been living with
105. 4:36this feeling of not being good enough,
106. 4:39you've probably tried to solve it by
107. 4:41improving yourself. You started
108. 4:42exercising more, eating healthier,
109. 4:45reading more books, doing more courses.
110. 4:48And these all can be wonderful things. I
111. 4:51love self-development. I love setting
112. 4:53goals and working towards all that
113. 4:56matters to me, but I think it's
114. 4:57important to look at the psychological
115. 5:00reason of why all of this matters to me.
116. 5:04Are you working towards something
117. 5:06because it's really meaningful to you,
118. 5:09or are you hoping that this is going to
119. 5:11change the way you feel about yourself?
120. 5:14Because these experiences can feel very
121. 5:17different. Let's say, for example, you
122. 5:20work really hard for a promotion, and
123. 5:22finally you get that promotion, and for
124. 5:25a few days you feel really happy. You
125. 5:27celebrate it, and then you start
126. 5:30noticing that maybe someone is doing a
127. 5:33little bit better than you. Someone your
128. 5:35age is already running a company, and
129. 5:37you start feeling again that you're not
130. 5:40good enough, that you need to work
131. 5:42harder, that something needs to change.
132. 5:44And suddenly this achievement that you
133. 5:46are looking forward to so much, that was
134. 5:51going to make you feel successful,
135. 5:53doesn't mean anything to you. This can
136. 5:56happen because we adapt to positive
137. 5:58changes and because perfectionistic
138. 6:01thinking often times involves having
139. 6:04standards that are constantly evolving
140. 6:07and changing. One of the patterns we see
141. 6:09in clinical perfectionism is that people
142. 6:12discount their achievements. If you
143. 6:14succeed, you might think, "Well, that
144. 6:16wasn't so hard. Anyone could have done
145. 6:18that." And if you fail, you might think,
146. 6:21"See, I'm not good enough." So, imagine
147. 6:24what happens psychologically. Your
148. 6:26success doesn't really count, but your
149. 6:28mistakes become evidence of your
150. 6:30inadequacy. And of course, when you look
151. 6:33at life through that lens, it's
152. 6:35incredibly difficult to create a stable
153. 6:38sense of confidence. There's always
154. 6:40another standard to meet. Something else
155. 6:42I really want to discuss is the
156. 6:44relation- ship between perfectionism and
157. 6:47procrastination. Because I hear people
158. 6:49say, "Oh, I'm definitely not a
159. 6:51perfectionist. I'm so disorganized. I
160. 6:53procrastinate." But sometimes
161. 6:55perfectionism doesn't make us do
162. 6:58everything perfectly. It makes us afraid
163. 7:01to even start. So, let's imagine you
164. 7:04want to start sharing your work online.
165. 7:06Maybe it's starting a YouTube channel,
166. 7:08applying for a new job, starting a
167. 7:10business. You're excited. You have
168. 7:13ideas. And then you start thinking,
169. 7:16>> [snorts]
170. 7:16>> "What if people think I'm stupid? What
171. 7:18if someone knows more than I do? What if
172. 7:20I make a mistake? What if I'm not
173. 7:22ready?" So, you decide that you need a
174. 7:24little bit more preparation. So, you
175. 7:26spend another few weeks researching. You
176. 7:30take another course. You read a book.
177. 7:32And I want to be clear here that yes,
178. 7:35preparation can be useful, but it also
179. 7:38can be a way of avoiding being seen,
180. 7:41being judged, and procrastinating this
181. 7:44start, procrastinating the action. And
182. 7:47the more we avoid those situations, the
183. 7:50less opportunities we have to show
184. 7:54ourselves that we can handle this. This
185. 7:57is one of the reasons why perfectionism
186. 7:59can keep people stuck for years. You can
187. 8:02have so many ideas, you can have so much
188. 8:05potential, but you wait for that perfect
189. 8:08moment to feel ready. And of course,
190. 8:11perfectionism can show up in
191. 8:13relationships, too. Maybe you want to be
192. 8:16the perfect partner, or the perfect
193. 8:17friend. You replay conversations
194. 8:21in your head worrying that maybe you
195. 8:22have said something wrong, or you are
196. 8:24afraid to set boundaries because
197. 8:29you don't want to hurt anyone. There's
198. 8:31so much emotional energy that goes into
199. 8:34constantly monitoring yourself that
200. 8:37after a while, you can become so focused
201. 8:40on how you're being perceived, and
202. 8:42actually lose touch with how you feel.
203. 8:45Now, this is probably one of my favorite
204. 8:47parts of this topic because I think it
205. 8:50goes so much deeper than many people
206. 8:52realize. Perfectionism can become a part
207. 8:55of our identity. Maybe for years you
208. 8:58have been this person who is always
209. 9:01responsible, who is always successful,
210. 9:03who is always motivated. And after years
211. 9:06of being that person, you might lose
212. 9:09touch with the person underneath, like
213. 9:12who you are without those qualities.
214. 9:15Because what happens when the
215. 9:16responsible person needs help, or what
216. 9:18happens when the successful person
217. 9:21fails? What happens when the person who
218. 9:23always has everything figured out feels
219. 9:27completely lost? For someone whose
220. 9:29identity is strongly connected to
221. 9:31achievement, these experiences can feel
222. 9:34very scary and threatening. And this is
223. 9:38where I think it's so important to
224. 9:40explore what makes you who you are. Your
225. 9:44values, your sense of humor, your
226. 9:47kindness, your curiosity, the things
227. 9:50that interest you when you're not
228. 9:51particularly good at them or you're not
229. 9:54looking for performance. And I really
230. 9:57want you to think about it for a moment.
231. 10:00If I took away your career, your
232. 10:02relationships, your looks, everything
233. 10:06that you have used for years to define
234. 10:08yourself, what makes you who you are?
235. 10:12And I think this is such a valuable
236. 10:14question because life will change. In
237. 10:18some moments you will feel less
238. 10:20productive, your body will change, your
239. 10:23career environment will change. When
240. 10:25relationships and plans fall apart or
241. 10:29you simply don't know what you're doing,
242. 10:32I want you to have this strong sense of
243. 10:35who you are still there. Okay, now let's
244. 10:38talk about the practical part because
245. 10:40understanding your patterns, where it
246. 10:42comes from, is incredibly valuable, but
247. 10:45what changes the patterns is action. We
248. 10:48need new experiences, we need proof. So,
249. 10:52I want to share four things that are
250. 10:55going to be incredibly helpful. First,
251. 10:57start noticing your internal rules. Pay
252. 11:00attention to how often you say to
253. 11:02yourself things like "I should be
254. 11:04productive, I should be doing more, I
255. 11:06shouldn't be disappointing anyone." And
256. 11:09when you notice these thoughts, ask
257. 11:11yourself, "Where did I learn this? Is
258. 11:14this expectation realistic? And what am
259. 11:17I afraid would happen if I didn't meet
260. 11:20it?" Sometimes we follow expectations
261. 11:22for years without ever questioning
262. 11:25whether they actually make sense for us.
263. 11:27Second, practice doing things
264. 11:30imperfectly. This is really, really
265. 11:32important. Share something when you feel
266. 11:35like it's not really ready. Send an
267. 11:37email without reading it for five times.
268. 11:40Make a decision without researching
269. 11:42every possible outcome. Start really
270. 11:45small and notice what happens. Because
271. 11:48every time that you allow yourself to
272. 11:50experience imperfection, you discover
273. 11:53that you can handle it. Third, learn to
274. 11:55recognize your achievements without
275. 11:58immediately moving the goal post. I want
276. 12:01you to imagine that a good friend of
277. 12:02yours tells you that she achieved
278. 12:04something that she's been working hard
279. 12:07for months.
280. 12:09And can you imagine yourself telling
281. 12:11her, "Well, but what about the next
282. 12:13thing? Other people have done much
283. 12:16more." I guess not. You would probably
284. 12:19celebrate it with her. You would
285. 12:21recognize her effort. You would allow
286. 12:23her to feel happy about it and make her
287. 12:26even happier by saying her the good
288. 12:30words about all of this, but somehow so
289. 12:32many of us struggle to offer this same
290. 12:36kindness to ourselves. So, here's a
291. 12:39simple practice. By the end of the day,
292. 12:42take a notebook and just take a moment
293. 12:45to write down something that you've
294. 12:46achieved today and it doesn't have to be
295. 12:49big. Maybe you took care of yourself
296. 12:51when you're really tired. Maybe you
297. 12:53tried something new. Whatever it is,
298. 12:56notice your tendency to minimize it,
299. 12:59compare it to someone else, think that
300. 13:01it's not enough, and practice allowing
301. 13:04that experience to be enough for a
302. 13:07moment. And last one, separate your
303. 13:09worth from your performance.
304. 13:11Particularly when something goes wrong,
305. 13:14notice how quickly you turn that into
306. 13:16judgment about yourself. You made a
307. 13:19mistake and suddenly you're not good
308. 13:21enough, you're stupid, you're incapable.
309. 13:24Making a mistake tells you something
310. 13:26about this particular situation. It does
311. 13:29not have to define your entire identity.
312. 13:33And I think learning to treat ourselves
313. 13:35with the same compassion and kindness we
314. 13:38would offer to someone that we love is a
315. 13:40big part of creating a healthier
316. 13:42relationship with ourselves. So, I want
317. 13:45you to leave with one final thought. We
318. 13:48live in a world where there's so much
319. 13:50emphasis on becoming better. Better
320. 13:53career, better body, better habits,
321. 13:55better version of ourselves. And while I
322. 13:58think that personal growth is beautiful
323. 14:01and important, I think it's as important
324. 14:04to learn to appreciate ourselves in that
325. 14:07process. There will always be something
326. 14:10to achieve, something to improve,
327. 14:12something we could have done
328. 14:14differently. And if we constantly
329. 14:16postpone feeling good about ourselves
330. 14:19until we achieved this imaginary goal or
331. 14:24standard, we might spend our entire
332. 14:26lives waiting. Here's a question I'd
333. 14:29love you to reflect on. What would you
334. 14:32allow yourself to do, experience, to
335. 14:35enjoy if you weren't constantly proving
336. 14:38that you're good enough? And if this
337. 14:41topic resonates with you, let me know in
338. 14:43the comments. Follow my YouTube channel.
339. 14:45I also work with women on these patterns
340. 14:48through my one-to-one coaching. So, if
341. 14:50you'd like to explore this more deeply,
342. 14:52you'll find the details down below.
343. 14:54Thank you for being here, and I'll see
344. 14:56you in the next video.