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The Psychology of EMOTIONALLY DETACHED Women — Transcript

by Vickita Trivedi · 4,320 words · 634 segments · language en · Watch on YouTube

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0:00One of the most important things you can
0:02learn as a woman is how to detach
0:04without becoming cold. My entire life
0:07changed when I realized I could want
0:10something without obsessing over it, and
0:12this is going to be the thing that
0:14changes your life, too. Because most
0:16women live in extremes. It is in our
0:18nature. We either over-attach and
0:21spiral, or we become ruthless and
0:23pretend we don't care. But, the real
0:25power isn't in being hot or cold. It is
0:28in staying anchored. And that balance
0:31and internal steadiness is what
0:33separates emotionally reactive women to
0:36women who are just truly unbothered. So,
0:39today we're breaking down the psychology
0:41of emotionally detached women, the state
0:44internally they are operating from, and
0:46how you can start to use this and embody
0:49it in your own life without losing your
0:52softness. Because real detachment in its
0:54simplest form is not that you own
0:57nothing. It's that nothing owns you.
1:00First, what is emotional detachment not?
1:03It is not being cold. It is not being
1:05vengeful, spiteful, aloof, and it is
1:08certainly not suppressing your emotions
1:11and becoming emotionally unavailable. It
1:13is feeling your emotions to all of their
1:16entirety, but without letting them
1:19dictate your behavior. I know this
1:21better than anyone. Emotions can
1:24literally take over your entire being
1:27and convince you to do things that you
1:29normally wouldn't. So, learning that you
1:31can care without being controlled is
1:34truly what becomes the game-changer.
1:37Detached women do not lose themselves to
1:40outcomes, to people, to timelines, to
1:43their emotions. They simply surrender to
1:46the thing, the emotion, the experience,
1:49and that is where their power and their
1:51unbothered energy is coming from. And
1:53now, it's so important that I say your
1:55energy behind your detachment matters 10
1:58times more than your behavior. If you
2:01are trying as a mask to present yourself
2:05as detached, but internally you're
2:07spiraling, you're ruminating, you're
2:09stewing, you're playing things over and
2:11over in your head, but externally you're
2:13trying to come off as very detached,
2:15it's not detachment. If you're
2:16pretending not to care in hopes that it
2:19gets him to text you back faster, that
2:20is not detachment. If your internal
2:23dialogue is saying, "I am going to pull
2:26my energy back. I am going to take a
2:29step back and let him realize my worth
2:32and what he's missing." That is not
2:34detachment. All of those scenarios are
2:37you strategizing your attachment. You
2:40internally feel like, "Nobody hears my
2:43thoughts. Nobody can sense what I'm
2:45feeling, so I can fully mask to the
2:48outside world that I am detached. I can
2:51pretend like I don't care." But,
2:53internally your energy is completely
2:56different. You actually still do really,
2:58really care, and behind closed doors you
3:00are opening your phone up 24/7. Any ping
3:03that you get, you're hoping it's him.
3:05You're hoping that all of this strategy
3:07and this like attempt to be detached is
3:10going to change, but ultimately
3:12everything is energy. And so, even
3:15though we can't hear your thoughts and
3:16he can't hear your thoughts, he can feel
3:18them and he can sense them because
3:20energy is felt. True detachment is
3:23surrender, like full and true surrender
3:26internally as well as externally,
3:28obviously. And true surrender just means
3:30you're surrendered to the experience and
3:33how it is unfolding in real time. You
3:36are not thinking about what it could be,
3:39what it might be, what you would love it
3:41to be. You are simply just allowing it
3:43to unfold naturally every single day,
3:46minute by minute, hour by hour. One of
3:49the biggest things you have to learn if
3:51you want to shift into the energy of
3:53being an emotionally detached woman, you
3:55have to learn how to live through an
3:58experience instead of living for it. I
4:00know that doesn't sound like a very big
4:02difference and they sound quite similar,
4:05but they really are not. When you are
4:06surrendered, you are living through the
4:08experience. You are allowing it to
4:11unfold in natural real time. Versus when
4:14you're living for it, you are living for
4:17the experience to be what you want it to
4:20be. Your happiness, your entire energy
4:23and internal state is derived from the
4:27outcome of that experience that you're
4:29having. Living through it is being fully
4:31surrendered to it, allowing it to unfold
4:33naturally, and deciding that whatever
4:36happens in this experience and in this
4:38situation, I'm currently just enjoying
4:41the process. And that is a very big
4:43difference. When your detachment is
4:46coming with a condition attached to it,
4:48like, "I am going to completely step
4:50back from this situation so that I am
4:53going to not text so that I am going to
4:57act unbothered so that" Those are all
4:59conditions. You're still trying to make
5:01something happen, and so you're doing
5:04something in order to get X outcome,
5:06which is still managing. It is still
5:08controlling, and you are still attached
5:10to it. So, your result in the end is
5:12always going to be the same as if if you
5:14were just open about your attachment,
5:16because nothing about your internal
5:18state has actually changed for the
5:20result to change. An emotionally
5:22detached women are not faking it. They
5:25are genuinely surrendered and detached,
5:27and that's why they win. Because their
5:29calm state is real. It is their dominant
5:33internal operating system. There's a
5:35core rule emotionally detached women all
5:37follow, whether they know it consciously
5:39or not, but they are saying within
5:42themselves, "The more attached I am to
5:44an outcome, the less power I have in
5:47it." And this should be your guiding
5:49rule as well. It is definitely mine.
5:51After years of trial and error, this is
5:54all coming from you live and direct with
5:55real experience. The more you are
5:58attached to something, the less power
6:00and control you actually have over it.
6:03And that is the funniest thing about
6:05humans, not even just women, just humans
6:08in general. We think that we have so
6:12much power when we're conscious of it.
6:14When we're in control of our control, we
6:17feel like we have genuine control. But,
6:20the paradox is that the more control we
6:22think we have or we're perceiving to
6:24have in this situation, the less control
6:26we actually have of it. Because it has
6:29the control over us, because of how
6:31fixated we are on the thing, the person,
6:35the situation, the place. And without
6:38realizing it, attachment creates all of
6:41these different behaviors that in the
6:42moment we don't even know we're doing.
6:44They just seem so natural and
6:46effortless, but attachment will always
6:49create behavior like over-texting,
6:51overthinking, over-explaining,
6:54over-justifying, literally just
6:55everything in excess. We have all been
6:57there at some point in our lives.
6:59Guilty. You're guilty, too. We are all
7:01guilty. We are women with a lot of
7:03emotion. We start sending paragraphs. We
7:06start justifying. We start
7:08over-correcting and over-explaining
7:10ourselves. We start trying to clarify,
7:12and we hope that if we have one more
7:14conversation, they will finally get the
7:17point and everything will change. And we
7:20keep trying to search for that one last
7:23conversation, that one more bit of
7:24closure, that one more inch of whatever.
7:28We hope that that is going to finally be
7:30the thing. That is the aha moment for
7:32that person, for that situation. You are
7:34just constantly seeking out the next
7:36thing to make it happen. And in those
7:39moments, it definitely feels like there
7:42is some sort of control. We have our
7:44hand in the pie. We're feeling like,
7:46"Okay, we got this. I've got that one
7:48more text that I'm going to send, and
7:51that's going to really seal the deal.
7:52I've got that one more conversation
7:54lined up." And it gives you that fuel.
7:55You feel excited again. It's this rush
7:57in your nervous system. But, it's fake.
7:59And in those moments, it genuinely feels
8:02like you are doing something positive
8:04with your time. It feels like you are
8:06finally making a shift and you have some
8:09sliver of control, but it is perceived
8:12control. The thing with attachment, and
8:14it's so sneaky, it creates the illusion
8:17of control. You think you have control,
8:20but ultimately you know that it's not
8:21real. Whether or not you realize in the
8:23moment or after, five years down the
8:26line, five days down the line, you know
8:29that it's not real control, because you
8:31can never, ever have actual control over
8:35someone's will, their decisions, their
8:38thinking processes, and their actions,
8:40and whatever they choose to do. You
8:42don't have control over it, and you
8:43never will. But, you know what you do
8:45have control over? Your personal
8:47information floating around on the
8:49internet. And I'll be honest, this is
8:51not something I really have thought of
8:53much until recently, when I decided to
8:56do a little Google search on my name,
8:58you know, as we do. It's late night. We
9:00want to know what people are seeing when
9:03we type in our name. And if you've never
9:04done it, please do it, because what I'm
9:06about to share is going to reveal a
9:08little bit of a scary situation. When
9:10you type your name into Google and you
9:11start clicking around all of the
9:13websites that populate, you will notice
9:15that your personal information is
9:18scattered all over the internet, and you
9:21had no idea. Your phone number, your
9:23email, your home address, and sometimes,
9:26which is even scarier, information about
9:28your relatives. And it's all being
9:30collected and sold by these companies
9:32called data brokers, which I just
9:34learned about. And they basically build
9:36profiles on your personal information
9:38and then sell it to advertisers and
9:40whoever else is wanting it. Just think
9:43about that for a second. We are so
9:44focused on protecting our peace and our
9:46energy from toxic people, people in our
9:49lives, and like this immediate sort of
9:51circle that we're living with
9:53day-to-day, but we don't realize or ever
9:56stop to think about our personal data is
9:58just out there. And that's where today's
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10:03basically helps you remove your personal
10:05data from these data broker websites
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10:10basically track down one by one all of
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10:15emailing them one by one to have your
10:17data removed, Incogni just goes in there
10:19and does it automatically for you. It's
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10:23then it's continuing to monitor those
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10:41request for you. So again, while you
10:43cannot control and never will be able to
10:45control someone else's feelings and
10:47decisions, you can control how much of
10:50your personal information is floating
10:52around online. So, it's better to just
10:54focus on the things that you actually
10:56can control. If you want to try Incogni
10:58and protect your data, which I highly
11:00highly recommend you do, you can use the
11:02link in my description box or the code
11:04Vakita here on screen to get 60% off
11:07their annual plans. Now, let's get back
11:09to the actual psychology of detached
11:11women. Detached women operate very
11:13differently. Instead of consistently
11:16just reacting, they get an emotion and
11:19then they listen to the whisper that
11:20emotion telling them to do something and
11:22then they basically just go and do it.
11:25They pause. They observe. They have
11:27specific criteria they are looking for
11:29in somebody, in an experience, in a
11:31situation, but they don't manage the
11:34experience based on that criteria. They
11:36just sit back, they go into observation
11:38mode, and they basically just let other
11:40people's behavior speak for itself
11:43because understand this and hear me when
11:45I say, somebody's mask will always drop.
11:49People cannot hold on the ruse that they
11:52are presenting to you for long. People
11:55will always get exposed. People will
11:57always eventually tell on themselves.
11:59And if you are constantly having your
12:01hand in the pie trying to control things
12:03and manage everything, you are actually
12:06doing yourself a disservice because you
12:08are prolonging the truth of the
12:10situation. Whether that's in your favor
12:12or not, but you need to allow situations
12:16to unfold without your interference in
12:19them so you can actually see the
12:21situation and the experience for what it
12:23is and what it was going to be
12:25regardless of if you are in there
12:27managing it. And paradoxically again,
12:29that stability in watching how things
12:32unfold is what actually creates a change
12:34and shift in the end. There's an old
12:36story about a Daoist farmer, which is
12:39one of my favorite parables. I have told
12:41it before. A Daoist farmer has a horse,
12:43it runs away, the neighbors say, "That's
12:46awful." He says, "Maybe." The horse
12:48comes back with another horse. They say,
12:50"That's amazing." He says, "Maybe." His
12:53son falls off the new horse and breaks
12:56his leg. They say, "That's terrible." He
12:58says, "Maybe." War breaks out and his
13:01son can't be drafted because of his leg
13:03injury and they all say, "That's lucky."
13:06He says, "Maybe." It's one of my
13:08favorite parables because of its power
13:11of neutrality and how it showcases it.
13:14It's so important that when you are
13:17moving through your life and going
13:19through situations and experiences, that
13:22you do not preemptively and very hastily
13:25label it as good or bad. Emotionally
13:28detached women operate from a place of
13:31neutrality. Just think about how many
13:33times in your own life something bad has
13:36happened which actually turned out to be
13:38a blessing in disguise. And how many
13:40times have you experienced something as
13:42super amazing and good in the moment,
13:45but then as it started to unfold, it
13:47revealed problems and things that you
13:49never foresaw coming. Most things rarely
13:52ever mean what we think they mean in the
13:55moment. But the second we label
13:56something, "This is terrible." or "This
13:59is amazing and beautiful." we attach to
14:02the label. And once we attach to it, we
14:05actually suffer 10 times more because
14:08now reality is not matching the story
14:11that we created in our head too early
14:14on. You label something as the worst
14:16thing ever, so now you're spiraling. You
14:18label something as the best thing ever
14:20and the most amazing thing that's ever
14:21happened to you, so now you cling to it.
14:24But instead, what if it's just
14:26unfolding? The point is, something can
14:28feel catastrophic today and then
14:30completely reframe itself in 6 months.
14:33And something can feel like the most
14:35amazing dream today and then later
14:37reveal why it was never aligned. When
14:40you attach and label too quickly, you do
14:43not allow life to reveal what it's doing
14:47for you. There's zero space for life to
14:49show you, "Hey, this is actually the
14:52point of this. Maybe there's a lesson in
14:54this person or this situation." There
14:56are so many different ways things can
14:59unfold and we will never really know how
15:01they are supposed to unfold, what they
15:03are meant in our life until they reach
15:06their natural endings or the end is
15:09revealed to us and maybe it's the love
15:10of our life or the most amazing job in
15:13the world. Detached women leave room,
15:16which means that they're just not
15:17rushing to define every single thing in
15:20their life super early on or even as
15:22they start to let the situation unfold.
15:24They are not attaching anything to
15:26anything. simply just experiencing life
15:29with that thing. They are just letting
15:32things play out and that alone right
15:35there protects 99% of your peace. So,
15:38something good happens? Maybe. Something
15:40bad happens? Maybe. Another rule
15:42emotionally detached women follow which
15:44makes up their internal positioning is
15:47they are not relying on feelings, they
15:50are relying on facts. This also changed
15:53my life and I actually came up with this
15:56years ago when I was really going
15:57through it and I was like, "You know
15:59what? I need to have some sort of rule
16:01in my life." And that was facts over
16:04feelings, evidence over emotion. This
16:06has saved me countless times and it
16:08continues to anchor me to this day when
16:11I become human because I am and you are
16:14too. We are all going to attach to
16:16something or someone even when we know
16:19better because feelings get involved and
16:21we are not robots. But these are the
16:24rules that ground you and anchor you and
16:26remind you that yes, somebody can say
16:29that they are in love with you, but they
16:31don't call you for 2 weeks, that's fact
16:33over feelings. The emotionally attached
16:36version of you is going to say, "But
16:37he's busy. But he said." There's just a
16:40lot of justifications. The detached
16:42version says, "Evidence over emotion,
16:45behavior over words." Of course, it is
16:48going to feel like a disappointment when
16:51something doesn't go the way that you
16:53want it or that you hoped for it to go.
16:55But it's not that you shouldn't feel
16:57disappointment, it's that you are no
16:59longer trying to protect and like go to
17:02bat and fight for this fantasy that you
17:05have created in your head that is not
17:07actually aligned with reality. I always
17:10say this in my own life, the moment
17:13Vakita starts to be a manager, the
17:16moment I start to get into a managerial
17:18role, [clears throat] analyzing,
17:19justifying, I'm basically becoming
17:21somebody's brand manager and PR, okay?
17:24The moment I'm in that role, I need to
17:26step back and I need to reevaluate
17:27because no one should ever have you in a
17:31managerial position having to like clean
17:33up on aisle 10, constantly, you know,
17:36get together and like fix the image and
17:39all of this. Like we should not be doing
17:41that and moment you notice yourself
17:43getting into that role, it might not
17:45even be about them, it's just solely
17:47could be about you. You have to take a
17:50step back and reevaluate what's going
17:51on. Detached women love very deeply.
17:55Like I said in the beginning, detachment
17:57is not about suppressing your emotions
17:59and becoming emotionally unavailable,
18:01it's about allowing yourself to love
18:04deeply, to care deeply, but not abandon
18:07yourself in the process in order to have
18:10this. The thing with women and it is
18:12just again, like I said, in our nature,
18:14we are on one end of the spectrum, but
18:18we need to learn to find the balance.
18:21Learning to love deeply, allowing
18:23yourself to love deeply and be loved
18:25deeply without letting yourself be all
18:28consumed by it and it completely take
18:30over your entire being and like sort of
18:32engulf you. Detached women are not
18:35operating from this place and this is
18:36why they're always winning because their
18:38internal position is so strong. They are
18:40not allowing their identity to be
18:43completely taken over by somebody else.
18:46They don't need fuel from someone else
18:48and most importantly, they are not
18:51relying on someone else or something
18:53outside of them to be their oxygen,
18:56basically their lifeline. They are solid
18:59first. Love is not and never should be a
19:02survival, it's an add-on. It's like the
19:05cherry on top of an already beautiful,
19:08juicy life that you have created for
19:10yourself. So, if something doesn't work
19:12out, it is not a catastrophe. It won't
19:15break you. It'll hurt you, it might
19:17disappoint you, but it will not
19:19completely crumble and shatter you to
19:21the point where you cannot go on anymore
19:22because you never allowed your sense of
19:24self and identity to be outsourced, so
19:27nothing can truly collapse inside. And
19:31that is really just the core of it. When
19:33your entire life is wrapped up into one
19:35person, into one thing, one outcome, one
19:38opportunity, of course, if it don't work
19:41out, it's going to be catastrophic.
19:43Trust me, I have been there. Something
19:46that has drastically helped me with this
19:48and changed my life and I know it will
19:50change yours because all detached women
19:52do this, is doing something called
19:53diversifying your emotional investments.
19:56Friends, projects, your health, your
19:59glow up goals, your family, your
20:01hobbies, shall I go on? You have to have
20:04things in your life that are making you
20:08feel alive, but are not attached to
20:10anything external. I know we've talked
20:12about sort of like surface level
20:14attachment, but attachment can become
20:17dangerous when it is centralized and
20:20concentrated and poured into one
20:23specific thing. When you do this and you
20:26centralize your attachment and you
20:27literally just like get a target and you
20:30focus on that thing, you are now
20:32basically gambling your entire identity
20:34with that thing and one shift, it might
20:38not even crumble or be catastrophic, but
20:40one shift that makes you feel a little
20:42wobbly is going to completely wreck you.
20:45Your entire internal world is going to
20:47go poof. Now, the inverse is when your
20:49energy is spread across a very full
20:51life, you know, you've planted seeds in
20:53a bunch of different areas, you're
20:54watering them, they're growing, all is
20:57good, nothing feels fatal and those sort
21:00of like doomsday moments where you wake
21:02up and all of a sudden you're like, "Oh
21:03my god, like what is my life? What am I
21:05doing?" They all start to disappear. The
21:06one thing that I also have to mention,
21:09because most don't talk about this when
21:11we're talking about detachment, when you
21:13are building that beautiful full life
21:15across all different gardens and
21:17planting different seeds, you also have
21:19to remain detached. One thing I have
21:21noticed across women who win and women
21:24who don't is their ability to not let
21:27everything mean something. So many women
21:30complain about things they have full
21:31control over. We do not have an
21:33information problem, we have an
21:34execution problem. Women, people, love
21:38to complain, everyone loves to complain
21:40about what they don't have, what they
21:43wish they had, how much weight they have
21:45to lose, how much fat they have to lose,
21:47how ugly they feel, all of these things,
21:50so much complain, zero execution. You
21:53can get on to Google and you can type in
21:55how many calories, blah blah blah blah,
21:57what food should I be eating? Like you
21:59have everything at your fingertips, so
22:00for you to be complaining, it's just so
22:03annoying. You want to start making
22:04content? Start posting content. You want
22:07to lose weight? Change your diet, get a
22:09gym membership and get to the gym.
22:10Emotionally detached women who have
22:13these very full lives that make them
22:15feel alive, so that they're not
22:17centralizing all of their attachment,
22:18are not complaining, they're executing.
22:21importantly, when they are executing and
22:24they don't see sudden rewards, because
22:25rarely does anything just happen like
22:27this, they are not letting that shake
22:29them. When I started posting in 2022 on
22:32social media, knowing this is the job
22:34that I wanted, it was grueling. I posted
22:37thousands of pieces of content across
22:40every social media platform. It was
22:42hard. It did not work in the first year.
22:45It actually didn't even work in the
22:46first year and a half. It only worked at
22:49the end of 2023 and I had started this
22:53whole thing, building it out 2021 and
22:56then started officially posting in 2022.
22:59But the thing was, it was grueling, but
23:01I wasn't emotionally attached. Low views
23:04actually literally meant nothing to me.
23:06I was not internalizing it as a
23:08reflection of my identity. Low view
23:10video after low view video, one or two
23:13three views on YouTube videos, I kept
23:16going and now here I am. I make a very
23:18good full-time income off of YouTube,
23:21off of doing what I love, posting
23:23content online and helping women. But it
23:25was because I was not attached to
23:28people's validation, people telling me,
23:30"Oh my god, your content's really good."
23:32I literally had that Kanye mindset. I
23:34know I'm great, so I don't need to hear
23:36that I'm great, because at the end of
23:37the day the rest of the world is going
23:39to catch up. I wasn't attached to
23:41timelines and to outcomes. I wasn't
23:43attached to how others perceive me. And
23:45this is the key, emotionally detached
23:48women are also not attached to these
23:50things, because it means nothing to be
23:52attached to them. They don't help move
23:54your life any way forward. You genuinely
23:58have to be completely cut off and
24:01detached from anything outside of you,
24:03because if you're not, you will never
24:05manifest your dream life, the dream
24:07relationship, the dream career, the
24:09dream body, whatever it is you want in
24:11your life, you will not be able to
24:13secure it if you are consistently
24:15attached to what certain things mean in
24:18the process of getting that thing. The
24:20moment you stop waiting for your
24:22external world to give you the green
24:25light is the moment things start to
24:27rapidly change around you, because
24:28you're no longer deciding that a certain
24:30outcome means anything about how worthy
24:34and deserving you are of having it. The
24:36entire point is to care, but not control
24:39and that is when you really start to get
24:41everything you want. And that's exactly
24:43what I break down in this video here,
24:46the psychology of women who always get
24:48what they want. So, if you want to
24:50understand what happens after
24:51detachment, what happens after this
24:53video and how that internal stability
24:55actually translates into real life
24:57results, watch this video next and I
24:58will see you there.

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