The Psycho Cyclists of Amsterdam! - Trevor Noah — Transcript

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1. 0:00- But now we are here in Amsterdam.
2. 0:04Yes. The best damn of them all.
3. 0:10What a good time it's been. What a good time.
4. 0:12I'm glad, I'm glad I came here early on this trip
5. 0:15because I got a few days of the good weather.
6. 0:20I've heard so many rumors about it.
7. 0:23Every time I come here, people are like, ah,
8. 0:25you should have come.
9. 0:26You should have come a few weeks ago.
10. 0:31People in the Netherlands talk about their weather.
11. 0:33Like a child who doesn't know where their dad is.
12. 0:36No, he was here. He was here. But you didn't see him.
13. 0:41He was here. Mommy said he's coming back.
14. 0:47It's not just, you know what it is?
15. 0:48It's not just the rain that gets me here.
16. 0:51It's like a depressing season
17. 0:53that sets over the entire place.
18. 0:55You know, the entire thing.
19. 0:56It's just like, like I'm, I'm used to rain. Okay?
20. 0:59I grew up in South Africa, in Johannesburg, right?
21. 1:01We have a lot of rain, right? Yeah.
22. 1:05I live in New York City now. We get a lot of rain.
23. 1:08But you know what happens is the clouds come in, it rains,
24. 1:10and then it leaves, even if it rains for long.
25. 1:13If you look into the distance, you can see parts
26. 1:16of the sky in other cities that have no clouds here.
27. 1:21It descends upon the entire Netherlands.
28. 1:25Like an ancient wizard has cast a spell.
29. 1:28You look as far as you can, like two days ago when it hit,
30. 1:32when it hit like properly, it hit.
31. 1:33I looked out of my window
32. 1:34and I was like, this is not possible.
33. 1:36This, there are no clouds. It is just cloud. It's gray.
34. 1:39There's no shape, there's nothing. You can't see anything.
35. 1:42It's just gray as far
36. 1:43as your eye can see from one corner to the next.
37. 1:46And then the worst thing is, it's not rain, but it's rain.
38. 1:51Just enough rain that you get wet.
39. 1:53Not enough that you need an umbrella.
40. 1:56You just walk around with an umbrella.
41. 1:57You feel like an idiot. You close it up,
42. 1:59it's drenched all over your face.
43. 2:01Tiny little droplets. Ah, ah.
44. 2:07You can't do anything. You don't wanna be outside, you know?
45. 2:10But you don't wanna stay inside.
46. 2:12It's like depressing the whole time.
47. 2:14The whole time I, I was, I was in this weather for two days.
48. 2:18For two days. I was in this weather.
49. 2:20I was sitting inside, I was looking at
50. 2:21it, I was walking outside.
51. 2:22I was feeling it. And in two days, in two days,
52. 2:25I felt something deep inside me.
53. 2:27I was like, go, go. And I was like, now I get it.
54. 2:30Now I get why the Dutch colonized. I get it.
55. 2:35I get it, man. Woo.
56. 2:38We, ooh, don't even play games with me.
57. 2:43Amsterdam. If I lived here for six months
58. 2:46after month seven, I would be like, ah, Ana,
59. 2:54oh, Ville near the countries of other Mensa.
60. 3:03- Oh,
61. 3:09- Oh, that's probably what happened, right?
62. 3:12Yeah. 'cause like, 'cause it didn't happen the other way
63. 3:13around because it's not, it's not like,
64. 3:16it's not like anyone from Surinam was landing here, right?
65. 3:20There's no African boats arriving here.
66. 3:22Africans weren't building boats.
67. 3:23They were having a good time eating mangoes,
68. 3:26enjoying the sunshine.
69. 3:28The Dutch were like, we can't stay in this
70. 3:30weather for any longer.
71. 3:33I'm sick of this.
72. 3:35And they set sail, ah,
73. 3:40the Dutch, it really is interesting.
74. 3:43You know, when, when we think about colonization,
75. 3:46colonization really intrigues me as a concept.
76. 3:48You know, not just like how it happened,
77. 3:50but how we treated today.
78. 3:52You know, I, I can feel some of the white people tensing up.
79. 3:55Relax. It's a comedy show. Relax, relax.
80. 3:58I saw your shoulders, ma'am. You were like, eh, you're like,
81. 4:01ah, he's, he's coming for us now.
82. 4:03No, relax. It's a comedy show for one hour. I forgive you.
83. 4:07It's all right. Relax. No. Like, okay, so here's what it is.
84. 4:10Here's what it is for me. Right? Right.
85. 4:11I travel to many places around the world.
86. 4:13I do comedy shows, and I'll always announce that I'm going
87. 4:17to a country to perform.
88. 4:19What I find intriguing is certain countries get certain
89. 4:22responses every single time.
90. 4:25Every single time, right?
91. 4:26And a lot of those countries will get a negative
92. 4:28response, right?
93. 4:29So recently, like this was like about a month ago,
94. 4:32I was doing shows in Germany, and the same way I do every
95. 4:34year, I announced, I said, I'm going to Berlin
96. 4:38and Stuttgart excited to be coming to Germany.
97. 4:42And without fail, without fail, under my Instagram comments,
98. 4:46under my Facebook comments, whatever social media I used,
99. 4:49people will commenting underneath
100. 4:51- Those - Nazis.
101. 4:56I hope you tell them that they're Nazis.
102. 4:58Trevor, don't forget to remind them what they did, Trevor.
103. 5:03You tell them that they're Nazis. Trevor. I was like, what?
104. 5:06Like what? Which part of my comedy show do you think
105. 5:08this is gonna be happening in?
106. 5:11Come on. Good, good evening, Germany, you Nazis.
107. 5:16But that's all I get in the comments.
108. 5:17People will be like, yo, man, you know,
109. 5:19I, they don't even laugh.
110. 5:20They, they shouldn't laugh.
111. 5:22They don't have a sense of humor.
112. 5:23Those Nazis don't ever forget what they did. Trevor.
113. 5:27And I understand it. I do understand it.
114. 5:30But what I find interesting is that I'll travel
115. 5:33to other countries that also have a harrowing past.
116. 5:37You know? And this is not a moment to compare,
117. 5:39like the numbers and the No, no, no.
118. 5:40I just traveled to places where they have a harrowing past.
119. 5:42And I've noticed I don't get any of the same backlash.
120. 5:45Like when I said I was coming to the Netherlands,
121. 5:47people would just like, oh, enjoy the canals.
122. 5:50Woo. Yes. Yes. Oh, Trevor. Yeah.
123. 5:54Enjoy riding the bicycles. Woo hoo.
124. 5:57Bring me back some weeds.
125. 6:03I was like, what? What is it? What is it?
126. 6:05Like, how come some countries have
127. 6:07this and some countries don't?
128. 6:09And I was in Germany for about a week
129. 6:11and being there for a week, I got to sample how they live.
130. 6:15You know, what they do, what they don't do.
131. 6:19And after having a meal there one day
132. 6:23I think I figured it out.
133. 6:25I think I figured out why some European nations have been
134. 6:28able to shake off most of their colonial baggage.
135. 6:31And some have kept more of it than others.
136. 6:33You know, the history of what they did.
137. 6:36And it all lies in the food.
138. 6:40And my grandmother taught me
139. 6:41this lesson when I was really young.
140. 6:42And I didn't understand it. I was too young to get it.
141. 6:44My grandmother used to love cooking
142. 6:45for me and the entire family.
143. 6:46She's the greatest cook ever.
144. 6:47She'd cook for all of us on a Sunday by herself.
145. 6:49Didn't want anyone else in the kitchen.
146. 6:51'cause she didn't want anyone
147. 6:52taking credit for what she made.
148. 6:54The only person who was allowed to be with her was me.
149. 6:56And so m and my grandmother in the kitchen.
150. 6:59And she loved me. I was her favorite grandchild
151. 7:01'cause I could eat the most.
152. 7:03And so she would gimme the food while she's cooking.
153. 7:05She's like, what do you think? And I was
154. 7:06like, mm, I'm not sure.
155. 7:08And she'd gimme again. I'd be like, mm, I'm not sure.
156. 7:10And she'd be like, I eat so naughty Trevor.
157. 7:13And then she'd make some more food.
158. 7:14She'd make some more food.
159. 7:15And then one day out of the blue,
160. 7:17my gran was busy cooking everything, making everything.
161. 7:19And she turned and she gave it to me.
162. 7:21And I was like, mm, that's so good, granny.
163. 7:23And she said, Lee, you know what, Trevor,
164. 7:24can I tell you a secret?
165. 7:26If you know how to cook, well
166. 7:29you can make someone forget anything bad you've done.
167. 7:35That's why your grandfather is still around.
168. 7:41I was like, what? I didn't understand it.
169. 7:45How could I, I didn't have the right information
170. 7:50until recently when I traveled to Europe
171. 7:54and I actually spent time in these different countries,
172. 7:57spent time sampling the culture, the life and the food.
173. 8:02And then I got it. I got it.
174. 8:04All the countries that have been able to sort
175. 8:07of like distract people are the countries
176. 8:09that spent time in the kitchen.
177. 8:12Yeah. Like the French, they have one of the worst legacies
178. 8:16of colonization ever.
179. 8:18Yeah. But when you ask them, you can't stay mad at them.
180. 8:21You'll be like, yo French, what did you do in Congo?
181. 8:23They're like, what did I do with this Qua?
182. 8:26Ha ha, have you tasted it? Oh, cul.
183. 8:33You go to Italians, you're like,
184. 8:34what did you do in East Africa?
185. 8:36They're like, oh, but what did I do with this pizza?
186. 8:38Ah, ma ma, look at this. Pasta. Just a taste.
187. 8:42This is the truth. Travesty. Oh my god.
188. 8:45Ah, even the Dutch, you got in on the game.
189. 8:48People were like, what were you guys
190. 8:49doing when the spice trade?
191. 8:50And you guys like, who do you mean with the pop cheese?
192. 8:52You mean with our little pop cheese? You want some poverty?
193. 8:55The Belgians are like, have a waffle.
194. 8:57Forget about what we did in Africa.
195. 8:59And then you get to Germany
196. 9:01and they're like, would you like to try some sauerkraut?
197. 9:05And you taste that shit
198. 9:07and you are like, we will never forget.
199. 9:11Never.
200. 9:21People get offended sometimes when I say these things there.
201. 9:23But it's, but it's a, it's,
202. 9:24it's something you actually shouldn't be offended by.
203. 9:26You shouldn't be offended by it. Because I've, I've,
204. 9:28I've learned in talking to like anthropologists
205. 9:31and sociologists that a lot
206. 9:33of the way people are in their cultures comes from the
207. 9:35weather that they were raised in.
208. 9:37This is a true thing. No, it's a true thing.
209. 9:39So for instance, I've always been fascinated, like
210. 9:42whenever I travel to Scandinavia, you know, like Sweden
211. 9:45and Norway and all those places I was in,
212. 9:47I was always intrigued by the way they speak, right?
213. 9:49Like they, they have a very like curt language, you know,
214. 9:52like when you talk about, you say Spanish, you want us
215. 9:54to learn 'cause it like sounds good.
216. 9:55And like Swedish for me has always sounded the opposite.
217. 9:58You know? It's just got that like, like
218. 10:13- It's like that thing, - You know what I mean?
219. 10:15And I was always like, why?
220. 10:17And it turns out, turns out
221. 10:20that Swedish people over generations we're talking about
222. 10:22like hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds
223. 10:24and hundreds and hundreds of years.
224. 10:26'cause they lived in a climate that was so cold.
225. 10:29You couldn't afford to open your mouth wide
226. 10:32when you speak, right?
227. 10:35Like, like I grew up in casa culture.
228. 10:37My mother's tosa, my grandmother's tossa,
229. 10:38that's my whole family casa.
230. 10:40People grew up in South Africa, warm climates.
231. 10:44So when we speak, we open our mouths more.
232. 10:48That's how we greet you
233. 10:55money.
234. 10:56You see, it's 'cause we've got warm air.
235. 10:58We can take our time.
236. 11:01If you've been to Sweden in the winter, you understand what?
237. 11:05You can't wait. You can't mess around out there.
238. 11:06You just gotta get 'em.
239. 11:17- You can't - Be messing around when the temperatures are
240. 11:20dropping to below zero.
241. 11:21You can't be coming outside. Imagine you and Casa in Sweden.
242. 11:23You're gonna come out there like more,
243. 11:27freeze the shit out of your throat.
244. 11:33So I'm not saying you're not kind,
245. 11:34I'm just saying you're not, you're not warm.
246. 11:35You know, the Dutch are very, in the time I've been here,
247. 11:40you're like very efficient.
248. 11:41You know, very logical, very logical people.
249. 11:44If it doesn't make sense to you, it just doesn't make sense.
250. 11:47You know? I asked someone yesterday, I said, Hey, why?
251. 11:52Why does it seem like there's less transport?
252. 11:54And then he was like, because there's a strike.
253. 11:56That's what he said had like a weird,
254. 11:58it was like Dutch, but it wasn't Dutch accident.
255. 11:59He was like, yeah, because there's a strike.
256. 12:01I was like, okay, well well when are they coming back?
257. 12:03He's like, when they come back he was like, all right.
258. 12:07I guess. I guess you don't know.
259. 12:10Dutch just very like, you
260. 12:11know, you know when you can see it.
261. 12:12You can see it when when you go around Amsterdam
262. 12:15and you watch Dutch people riding bicycles.
263. 12:18I've never been to a country
264. 12:20where people do such a fun activity in such a serious way.
265. 12:27Everywhere else in the world,
266. 12:29people on a bicycle look like they are living the
267. 12:33personification of happiness.
268. 12:35'cause that's what a bicycle is. It's goofy. It's silly.
269. 12:38Your legs are going round and round.
270. 12:40You are there with the little barrel. Pring. Pring.
271. 12:43That's like a fun time. Yay.
272. 12:45And then here in the Netherlands, straight back,
273. 12:48straight body, focus, focus,
274. 12:52focus, focus, focus.
275. 12:56We're going somewhere. Focus, focus, focus.
276. 13:01And god forbid you step in front of that bike. God forbid.
277. 13:07Lemme tell you something, I have never in my life been
278. 13:09to a country where I would rather step in front
279. 13:11of a car than a bicycle.
280. 13:15I have never in my life, every day
281. 13:20that I've been out here, I've forgotten.
282. 13:21I'll step into the bicycle lane, you see them flying at you.
283. 13:25And for safety, I'll jump to the cars.
284. 13:27'cause I know I've got a better chance of surviving
285. 13:31Your bike Riders here do not give a shit.
286. 13:35They do not give a shit. They come at you.
287. 13:38It's almost like they go faster.
288. 13:39When they see you, you step into that lane,
289. 13:43people lose their shit.
290. 13:45Come at you. Full speed. Full speed.
291. 14:04I've never heard of bell sound angry
292. 14:06until I came to the Netherlands.
293. 14:08Ang as shit. Lingling
294. 14:13Ling Ling.
295. 14:20One guy screamed at, he's like, Hey, why don't you look?
296. 14:22Why don't you look behind you?
297. 14:23I'm like, 'cause that's not how looking works.
298. 14:26What do you think? I just live my life.
299. 14:28Like I owe people money.
300. 14:29Think I'm just walking around like this.
301. 14:33Why don't you look behind you?
302. 14:35Why don't you use your brakes?
303. 14:38People in the Netherlands act like this is an action movie
304. 14:40and there's a bomber in their bike and they can't stop.
305. 14:42Or the shit will blow up. Just hit the brakes.
306. 14:46There's a human being in front of you. They pedal faster.
307. 14:50They pedal faster. Got kids.
308. 14:51It's like the kids are little torpedoes they're
309. 14:53gonna use on you.
310. 14:55You've got your family in the front
311. 14:57of this thing and you go faster.
312. 14:58Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yay.
313. 15:01I'm like, are you shitting me? The kids there
314. 15:02with his helmet ready to kill me.
315. 15:05Almost aiming at me like, yeah, Papa.
316. 15:07Yeah, Papa, yeah Papa, let's go Papa.
317. 15:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
318. 15:17Just hit the brakes.
319. 15:22It's a bicycle. You can slow down.
320. 15:29I wanna do that. I'm actually gonna go around.
321. 15:31I'm gonna go around Amsterdam
322. 15:32and I'm gonna mess with people.
323. 15:34'cause I've noticed the Dutch you guys take
324. 15:36Sundays pretty chill.
325. 15:37I'm gonna wait for a Sunday.
326. 15:41I'm gonna wait for a Sunday when you guys are enjoying
327. 15:42yourselves, walking through the canals,
328. 15:45having a nice time in amt.
329. 15:46Still park. And then I'm gonna come there.
330. 15:48I'm just gonna start walking really fast.
331. 15:50Walking really fast.
332. 15:51Walk straight through you and your family while you're
333. 15:53sitting on those blankets.
334. 15:54Just come straight there.