The Problem With Black Snape | Lewis Spears | Stand Up Comedy — Transcript

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1. 0:00I don't like black Snape.
2. 0:02I DON'T AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE I DON'T
3. 0:04LIKE BLACK CHARACTER in my TV show. I
4. 0:07think it changes the tone of the
5. 0:08character and not just the skin tone.
6. 0:11Everything about it is not good. It
7. 0:14completely changes everything and
8. 0:16reframes it and makes the whole series
9. 0:18look hella racist. I don't know if you
10. 0:20remember the first three books and
11. 0:21movies, but the entire time Harry Potter
12. 0:24with zero evidence, it's constantly
13. 0:26looking at Snape like, "Oh."
14. 0:30"I just know he's secretly in a criminal
15. 0:33gang."
16. 0:36And everyone around him goes, "Why?" And
17. 0:38Harry just goes, "OH."
18. 0:41"IT'S JUST SOMETHING about it."
19. 0:45"And I don't like his hair."
20. 0:48"Professor of the dark arts, yeah, could
21. 0:50have guessed that."
22. 0:52IT'S NOT GOOD. BUT SNAPE'S backstory is
23. 0:55beautiful. He's actually secretly a
24. 0:57double agent or as African-American
25. 0:59Snape would say, a snitch.
26. 1:03Snape's character is beautiful. He's
27. 1:05secretly protecting Harry Potter because
28. 1:07as a child he was in love with Harry
29. 1:09Potter's white mother. But when Harry
30. 1:12Potter's white boyfriend found out about
31. 1:14this, he hung Snape from a tree.
32. 1:18NOW WHEN SNAPE IS WHITE, THAT looks like
33. 1:21high school bullying. When he's black,
34. 1:23that's lynching, brother.
35. 1:26I just think YOU COULD HAVE MADE ANY
36. 1:27OTHER character black and it would have
37. 1:29been fine. I mean, definitely not the
38. 1:31Weasleys cuz their whole thing is being
39. 1:34poor and getting judged for having kids
40. 1:36they can't afford. They can't be black.
41. 1:38You got to keep them redheads.
42. 1:40I've been thinking, LIKE YOU COULD HAVE
43. 1:42MADE ANY OTHER character black. You make
44. 1:43Hermione black, she's got the frizzy
45. 1:44hair, she's smart and intelligent.
46. 1:46That's fine. Nothing else changes.
47. 1:49Although, you know,
48. 1:50Dumbledore did have to give her a
49. 1:52magical device to make sure she was on
50. 1:54time to her classes.
51. 1:57So maybe she can't be black either.
52. 2:00I've been thinking about the most
53. 2:01problematic thing that you could do to a
54. 2:03Harry Potter character. Like imagine if
55. 2:05they had an Asian character, but her
56. 2:06name was Cho Chang. That'd be wild.
57. 2:10Or what if they had like uh Jewish
58. 2:12goblins running the banking system?
59. 2:15I've been thinking about it. I've got a
60. 2:16couple of ideas for problematic changes
61. 2:18to Harry Potter characters. TRANS DOBBY.
62. 2:22MASTER HAS TAKEN DOBBY'S [ __ ]
63. 2:27DOBBY IS SHE.
64. 2:31DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I'VE BEEN WORKING
65. 2:32on a trans Dobby impression?
66. 2:36Just in the SHOWER CONSTANTLY GOING,
67. 2:38"MASTER HAS TAKEN DOBBY'S COCK."
68. 2:43I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT FOR A WHOLE
69. 2:44WEEK UNTIL I realized my bathroom window
70. 2:46was open and the neighbors could
71. 2:48definitely hear.
72. 2:50What about this? Don't change anything
73. 2:51about the story. Change nothing else.
74. 2:53However, you give Harry Potter Down
75. 2:56syndrome.
76. 2:58Dude, it's genius. You don't even have
77. 2:59to change the name of the play. Harry
78. 3:01Potter and the Cursed Child. It still
79. 3:03works.
80. 3:06Harry Potter's parents dump a little
81. 3:08[ __ ] child on a doorstep. His step
82. 3:10parents reluctantly take it in. They're
83. 3:12ashamed. They keep it in the cupboard.
84. 3:15They give it [ __ ] up haircuts for a
85. 3:17laugh.
86. 3:18Maybe he doesn't have a scar. You can
87. 3:20just identify him cuz he's always got
88. 3:21peanut butter on his face.
89. 3:24So, it's a worker comes over every week.
90. 3:26"You're a wizard, Harry." "I'M A
91. 3:28WIZARD."
92. 3:31IT CHANGES THE PATRONUS A LITTLE BIT
93. 3:33THOUGH, DOESN'T IT? "EXPECTO PATRONUM."
94. 3:37JOHN Cena comes out.
95. 3:40I need to be the director of this TV
96. 3:41series, is what I'm saying.