The power of listening | William Ury | TEDxSanDiego — Transcript

Full transcript

1. 0:00Transcriber: Mary Kay Reviewer: Denise RQ
2. 0:14There's an ancient and well-known philosophical riddle that asks:
3. 0:19"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it,
4. 0:27does it still make a sound?"
5. 0:31A scientific view is that, while a tree will make waves in the air,
6. 0:36to make a sound, it takes an ear to hear it.
7. 0:40My question is,
8. 0:42if a person speaks and offers a TED Talk, for example,
9. 0:47and no one listens, is that really communication?
10. 0:51I believe that listening is the missing half of communication.
11. 0:56It is absolutely necessary but often overlooked.
12. 1:02We live in an age we call the Age of Communication.
13. 1:05Certainly, with cell phones, texts, tweets, and emails,
14. 1:10there is a lot of talking going on.
15. 1:12But how much listening can there really be
16. 1:17with so much interruption and distraction?
17. 1:24My passion for the last 30 years has been helping people get to "yes"
18. 1:30in very tough negotiations.
19. 1:32From family feuds to boardroom battles, from labor strikes to civil wars.
20. 1:37I hear a lot of talking, but I don't hear a lot of real listening.
21. 1:43We think of negotiation as being about talking.
22. 1:47In fact, it's really about listening.
23. 1:49If you study the behavior of successful negotiators,
24. 1:52you find that they listen far more than they talk.
25. 1:55After all, we're given two ears and one mouth for a reason.
26. 1:59We should listen at least twice as much as we speak.
27. 2:03Why listen? Why is it so important? Let me tell you a story.
28. 2:09Some years ago, I was in the country of Venezuela serving as a third party
29. 2:15between the government and the political opposition
30. 2:18at a time of intense conflict, with a lot of people fearing a civil war.
31. 2:23My colleague, Francisco Diaz and I had an appointment
32. 2:26with the President, Hugo Chavez, at 9:00 PM at the Presidential Palace.
33. 2:31Finally, at midnight,
34. 2:33we were ushered in to see the President
35. 2:35who had his entire cabinet arrayed behind him.
36. 2:38He asked me: "So, Ury, what do you think of the situation going on here?"
37. 2:43I said: "Mr. President, I've been talking to your ministers here, to the opposition.
38. 2:49I think you're making some progress."
39. 2:53"Progress? What do you mean progress?" he shouted.
40. 2:57"You're blind.
41. 2:58You're not seeing all the dirty tricks those traitors are up to."
42. 3:02He leaned in very close to my face and proceeded to shout.
43. 3:06What was I going to do?
44. 3:08Part of me felt like defending myself, naturally.
45. 3:10But what good would it do for me
46. 3:12to get into an argument with the President of Venezuela?
47. 3:15(Laughter)
48. 3:16How would that advance peace? So I just listened.
49. 3:21I gave him my full attention. I listened to where he was coming from.
50. 3:25President Chavez was famous for making eight hour speeches.
51. 3:29After 30 minutes of me just nodding and listening,
52. 3:34I saw his shoulders slowly sag.
53. 3:38He said to me in a very weary tone of voice: "So, Ury, what should I do?"
54. 3:44That's the sound of a human mind opening to listen.
55. 3:51I said: "Mr. President, it's almost Christmas.
56. 3:53The country needs a break.
57. 3:56Last year, all the festivities were canceled because of the conflict.
58. 4:00Why not propose a truce this time
59. 4:03so that people can enjoy the holidays with their families?
60. 4:06After that, maybe everybody will be in a better mood to listen."
61. 4:11He said: "That's a great idea. I'm going to announce that in my next speech."
62. 4:15His mood has completely shifted.
63. 4:17How? Through the simple power of listening.
64. 4:24Because I listened to him, he was more ready to listen to me.
65. 4:28There are at least three important reasons
66. 4:33why it's important to listen in any negotiation or conflict.
67. 4:38The first is that it helps us understand the other side.
68. 4:43Negotiation, after all, is an exercise in influence.
69. 4:47You're trying to change someone else's mind.
70. 4:50How can you possibly change someone else's mind
71. 4:53if you don't know where their mind is?
72. 4:56Listening is key.
73. 4:58The second reason is just as important.
74. 5:01It helps us connect with the other human being.
75. 5:04It helps us build rapport. It builds trust. It shows we care.
76. 5:10After all, everybody wants to be heard.
77. 5:13The third reason is, as with President Chavez,
78. 5:16it makes it more likely that the other person will listen to us.
79. 5:20It helps get to "yes."
80. 5:24In short, listening may be the cheapest concession
81. 5:27we can make in a negotiation.
82. 5:29It costs us nothing, and it brings huge benefits.
83. 5:33Listening may be the golden key that opens the door to human relationship.
84. 5:39How do we listen?
85. 5:43It turns out that we often take listening for granted
86. 5:47as something easy and natural.
87. 5:50But in fact, at least in my experience, real genuine listening is something
88. 5:55that needs to be learned and practiced every day.
89. 5:59In ordinary listening, we're hearing the words.
90. 6:02We're often thinking, "Where do I agree? Where do I disagree?
91. 6:08What am I going to say in response?" In other words, the focus is on us.
92. 6:14In genuine listening, however, the spotlight moves to the other person.
93. 6:21We put ourselves in their shoes. We tune into their wavelength.
94. 6:27We listen from within their frame of reference, not just ours.
95. 6:32That's not easy.
96. 6:35In genuine listening, we listen not just for what's being said,
97. 6:39but for what's not being said.
98. 6:43We listen not just to the words, but to what's behind the words.
99. 6:48We listen for the underlying emotions, feelings, and needs.
100. 6:55We listen for what that person really needs or wants.
101. 6:59Let me give you an example.
102. 7:01About a year and a half ago, I was invited to help a Brazilian entrepreneur
103. 7:07by the name of Abilio Diniz.
104. 7:09He was trapped in a titanic legal dispute
105. 7:13with his French business partner over the control of Brazil's largest retailer.
106. 7:20The Financial Times called it perhaps
107. 7:22the biggest cross-continental boardroom showdown in recent history.
108. 7:29It had gone on for two and a half years.
109. 7:30It was immensely costly and stressful,
110. 7:34not only to both parties but to their families
111. 7:36and the 150,000 employees of the company.
112. 7:40When I sat down with Abilio in his home, I listened to his story.
113. 7:45After that, I had a question.
114. 7:47I said: "Abilio, help me understand here. What do you really want?"
115. 7:53He said: "Well, I want the stock at a certain price.
116. 7:56I want the company headquarters.
117. 7:59I want the elimination of the non-compete clause."
118. 8:03He gave me a list. As I listened, I heard something deeper there that was unspoken.
119. 8:08I asked him: "Abilio, you're a man who seems to have everything.
120. 8:12What are these things really going to give you?
121. 8:15What do you most want in your life?"
122. 8:17He paused for a moment and thought about it.
123. 8:20Finally, he said: "Freedom. I want my freedom.
124. 8:25I want to be free to pursue my business dreams.
125. 8:28I want to be free to spend time with my family." That was it.
126. 8:33I was hearing the human being behind the words
127. 8:36not just the champion businessman.
128. 8:39Once we were clear about his deepest need,
129. 8:43then the negotiation itself, while challenging, became a lot easier.
130. 8:49In four short days, my colleagues and I,
131. 8:52by listening to the other side,
132. 8:54were able to take this titanic dispute
133. 8:57and resolve it with a settlement that left both sides highly satisfied.
134. 9:02As Abilio being a friend in the process later told me,
135. 9:05"I got everything I wanted. But most importantly, I got my life back."
136. 9:11How did that happen? Through the simple power of listening.
137. 9:19If listening is so useful, why isn't everyone doing it?
138. 9:29To tell you the truth, it's not so easy.
139. 9:33If I reflect on my own experience for a moment,
140. 9:35there are times when I feel like I'm listening pretty well in my work,
141. 9:40only to go home and find out I'm not listening so well to my wife.
142. 9:46It's humbling. I can tell you.
143. 9:49The real problem in the way, what makes it so hard to listen
144. 9:54is that there is so much going on in our minds.
145. 9:57There is so much noise and distraction
146. 10:02that we don't have the mental and emotional space
147. 10:05to be able to truly listen to the other side.
148. 10:08How do we clear our minds?
149. 10:12It may seem odd, but the secret is,
150. 10:16if we want to listen to the other side,
151. 10:20we have to learn to listen to ourselves first.
152. 10:24When I was sitting there with President Chavez,
153. 10:27what really helped me was that, just beforehand,
154. 10:31I had taken a few moments of quiet
155. 10:34to pay attention to what was going on for me.
156. 10:37I listened to myself to quiet my mind.
157. 10:41When he began shouting, I was ready.
158. 10:44I could notice that my cheeks were reddening,
159. 10:47and my jaw was a little clenched.
160. 10:51I felt some fear and anxiety.
161. 10:54By paying attention to those sensations and emotions,
162. 10:57I was able to let them go,
163. 10:59so that I could truly listen to President Chavez.
164. 11:04What if, before an important, delicate or sensitive conversation,
165. 11:10we took a moment of silence just to tune in and listen to where we are?
166. 11:16I believe that if we did that, if we truly listened to ourselves first,
167. 11:21we would find it a lot easier to listen to others.
168. 11:25The final question is, if we listened more,
169. 11:31what difference would it make in the world?
170. 11:34I believe it would make a huge difference.
171. 11:38In the course of my mediation work,
172. 11:41I personally witnessed the enormous cost of conflict,
173. 11:45the broken relationships, families, the stressed out work places,
174. 11:51the ruinous law suits, and the senseless wars.
175. 11:56What always strikes me is the biggest opportunity we have actually,
176. 12:01is to prevent these conflicts even before they start.
177. 12:06How do we do that?
178. 12:09It's not easy, but it almost always starts with one simple step.
179. 12:13Listening. This is my dream.
180. 12:19A listening revolution that can turn
181. 12:23this Age of Communication into an Age of Listening.
182. 12:29In other words, an age of true communication.
183. 12:33Imagine for a moment a world
184. 12:36in which every child learns to listen at an early age.
185. 12:41What if we taught listening in school,
186. 12:46like we teach reading, as a core skill?
187. 12:49After all, listening is how you read people.
188. 12:53Imagine a world in which parents learn to listen to their children.
189. 12:59What better way after all, is there for us to teach our children to listen to us
190. 13:04than for us to listen to them?
191. 13:07What better way for us to show our children that they truly matter?
192. 13:11What better way is there to show our love?
193. 13:14As an extra bonus,
194. 13:16maybe we'd see happier marriages and fewer divorces,
195. 13:20as couples learned to listen to each other.
196. 13:23Imagine a world in which leaders learned how to listen to their people.
197. 13:29What if we chose leaders based on their ability to listen, not just talk?
198. 13:36What if listening became the norm in our organizations
199. 13:40and not just the exception?
200. 13:43What if on radio and TV
201. 13:45we had not just talk shows, but listen shows?
202. 13:49(Laughter)
203. 13:52What if we had not just peace talks, but peace listens?
204. 13:58I firmly believe that we'd get to 'yes' a lot more often.
205. 14:04We might not eliminate all conflict,
206. 14:07but we would avert a lot of fights and wars.
207. 14:11Everybody would be much better off.
208. 14:14I, very happily, might be out of a job.
209. 14:19That's my dream.
210. 14:21While it may seem audacious, it's not that complicated.
211. 14:26Listening can be a chain reaction
212. 14:29in which each person who is genuinely listened to
213. 14:34feels naturally inspired to listen to the next.
214. 14:39Listening can be contagious.
215. 14:42I invite you to start
216. 14:46this chain reaction today, right here, right now.
217. 14:52In your next conversation with a colleague,
218. 14:55client, partner, or child, a friend or a stranger,
219. 15:01give them your full attention.
220. 15:05Listen to the human being behind the words.
221. 15:09One of the biggest gifts we can give anyone is the gift of being heard.
222. 15:17With the simple power of listening now,
223. 15:21we can transform our relationships,
224. 15:25our families, and our world for the better, ear by ear.
225. 15:31Thank you for listening.
226. 15:34(Applause)