The Most Outrageous Theo Von Moments Ever — Transcript

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1. 0:00I'm drinking like Monster energy drink
2. 0:01sometimes, which are like piss magnets.
3. 0:04Yeah.
4. 0:05They're delicious, but they make you
5. 0:07want to pee. Make you want to beat your
6. 0:08wife, too, dude. I've seen a lot of
7. 0:10dudes drinking Monster that you know
8. 0:12they're going home to punch.
9. 0:14>> [laughter]
10. 0:15>> I don't know if the Monster's the cause
11. 0:17of it. I think there's probably other
12. 0:19other factors. Well, I'll say this, it's
13. 0:20the beverage of choice of some of those
14. 0:22gentlemen. [laughter]
15. 0:23Yeah, I used to go to the gym. I quit
16. 0:25this year, dude, and it's one of the
17. 0:26neatest things I've ever done in my
18. 0:27life.
19. 0:28>> Feel good about it?
20. 0:28>> I used to be an addict, dude. Hiding
21. 0:30[ __ ] just putting a little bit of
22. 0:32[ __ ] protein powder up my ass. I was
23. 0:33on the suppositories. I was on all of
24. 0:35them, dude.
25. 0:35>> You're trying to get your jack. Oh, I'd
26. 0:36sprinkle protein in a [ __ ] bandana,
27. 0:39tie it around my forehead when I was
28. 0:40sweaty.
29. 0:40>> That's that rocking [ __ ]
30. 0:41>> trying to get it in the [ __ ] straight
31. 0:42to the brain, boy.
32. 0:44>> at that.
33. 0:46I'll stuff my [ __ ] nose with amino
34. 0:47acids and go to sleep.
35. 0:49>> [laughter]
36. 0:49>> You know what I'm saying, dude? Word,
37. 0:50man. Bro, look, I one time I worked on a
38. 0:53pilot set on a TV pilot a couple about 8
39. 0:56months ago and they had fake cocaine B12
40. 0:58out there. Really? I probably did 6 g of
41. 1:00it.
42. 1:01>> [laughter]
43. 1:01>> You're really snorting it? Yeah. Dude, I
44. 1:03was off to the side just practicing,
45. 1:05bro. For the movie? You were just trying
46. 1:06to feel good. B12 is supposed to feel
47. 1:08[laughter] good, right?
48. 1:10Bro, I I can whistle. Dude, I felt
49. 1:11great, man. Wow. I went to Arizona
50. 1:13State, like Yeah. I went to University
51. 1:15of Arizona. Oh, you did?
52. 1:17>> Yeah. Oh, in Tucson?
53. 1:19>> Bunch of street kids and [ __ ]
54. 1:22no shirt sleeves.
55. 1:23>> there? People cutting the tops off their
56. 1:25cars with saws.
57. 1:27>> [laughter]
58. 1:27>> It is, dude.
59. 1:28Yeah, it is. Go there.
60. 1:31Go there and see if you don't find a car
61. 1:32top somewhere. You went to UVA? Yeah.
62. 1:35Went to UVA for 1 year, man. I didn't
63. 1:36like it.
64. 1:37The desire to like get on stage and talk
65. 1:38about stuff new or it seems like really
66. 1:40risky, too, right now, you know, like
67. 1:42I'm a straight white male, you know, or
68. 1:44semi-white, you know, I'm
69. 1:45Polish-Nicaraguan, but if you look at
70. 1:47me, you think, "Oh, this guy's
71. 1:48retarded." You know?
72. 1:50>> [laughter]
73. 1:50>> Or semi you know, semi SR. Like 20%. So,
74. 1:54like I always say, the hardest working
75. 1:55man I've ever met is my mother, right?
76. 1:57[laughter] I'm sure she appreciates
77. 1:59that.
78. 1:59>> I think she honestly does probably. You
79. 2:01know, she just you know, she did it
80. 2:03herself and so I think she kind of does
81. 2:04respect that. I know she I know she was
82. 2:06a woman. What But I do want to What
83. 2:09activities you think you do where you
84. 2:10[ __ ] a lot? Powerlifters probably shoot
85. 2:12giant loads, right?
86. 2:13>> I think you would think they do but for
87. 2:15their size and stuff they're not doing
88. 2:16that much. Who do you think shoots the
89. 2:18biggest loads?
90. 2:18>> Oh, I think a guy that's in space. I
91. 2:20think a guy that's on a [laughter] cliff
92. 2:22like a cliff climber.
93. 2:25Do you think there is more porn stars or
94. 2:26murders in the world?
95. 2:28I think murders, you know.
96. 2:31I actually know a guy. I shouldn't say
97. 2:33this on here but I'm not going to say
98. 2:34names but I know a guy who killed
99. 2:35someone.
100. 2:36And he said
101. 2:38and this isn't me saying this, dude. I
102. 2:39wouldn't do something like this. But he
103. 2:41said that it [ __ ] feels good.
104. 2:45And he did say that. Do you know how he
105. 2:47murdered him? Huh? Do you know how he
106. 2:48murdered him? I don't know anything
107. 2:50else, man. Let me see that. I didn't
108. 2:51want to be a game show host. Well, also
109. 2:53it's like TSA. They make [clears throat]
110. 2:54you open all that luggage or whatever
111. 2:56with that thing. It was like the
112. 2:57original TSA I feel like. We have to
113. 2:59open the briefcases [laughter] or
114. 3:00whatever. Yeah, we were the
115. 3:02Lot hotter though, dude. I'll tell you
116. 3:04that. Yeah, they're They got some
117. 3:05[ __ ] just T&A. There was not
118. 3:07>> [laughter]
119. 3:07>> They got some scare bears doing it, man.
120. 3:10>> the I got two one Two of my crazy
121. 3:11memories. One time some dude laughed so
122. 3:13hard at the show he came out of the
123. 3:15closet to his buddy just right in front
124. 3:16of
125. 3:17Swear to god, HE WAS LIKE
126. 3:20IT'S LIKE [ __ ] [laughter] LITERALLY
127. 3:22LIKE jarred something in his in his
128. 3:24stem, you know?
129. 3:25>> [laughter]
130. 3:26>> And his buddy is like, "What the [ __ ]
131. 3:28dude?" It's right up by the front.
132. 3:29>> You made him laugh so hard he just
133. 3:30admitted he's gay.
134. 3:31>> One of his buddies spit milk or spilled
135. 3:33it out not milk beer. Yeah. And his
136. 3:35buddies are like, "What the [ __ ] dude?"
137. 3:37And it was awkward cuz it seemed kind of
138. 3:39real. Yeah. So I mean I've had people
139. 3:41say a lot of stuff you're like, "That
140. 3:42guy's retarded." But this guy seemed
141. 3:44like he might have been honestly a
142. 3:45homosexual.
143. 3:46Oh, I saw a lady get [ __ ] really
144. 3:48capped out over there off of Westwood
145. 3:50Boulevard, bro. Groceries and
146. 3:51everything. Really? You know? Dude, no
147. 3:53joke, some guy called 911 and yelled,
148. 3:55"This [ __ ] is down." Right? I was like,
149. 3:58"Okay."
150. 3:59We've kind of devolved a little bit.
151. 4:01[laughter]
152. 4:01Wow. As a human species. That's amazing.
153. 4:04Cats, I grew up in an era hamster and
154. 4:07guinea pig breeding area. Wow. So, you
155. 4:09had tons of those sometimes getting out.
156. 4:10When they got out, you'd see, you know,
157. 4:12700 [ __ ] guinea pig go by.
158. 4:14>> Damn. You know, and it's beautiful if
159. 4:15you've never seen it.
160. 4:17Um but yeah. Have you had Hanold on your
161. 4:19show? I feel like you No. He would do
162. 4:21your show though. I can't believe he did
163. 4:22that Taipei Tower.
164. 4:23>> How far can you go up the building?
165. 4:24>> Probably till I see see some tits in a
166. 4:26window.
167. 4:27>> [laughter]
168. 4:28>> I'm ordering a Sprite at that point.
169. 4:30You could get dummy, too. They had a guy
170. 4:32above us when I was growing up who had
171. 4:33been who had had a family member
172. 4:35taxidermied, fully taxidermied. That's
173. 4:37what I want. Just mount it on someone's
174. 4:39wall, but I get to choose my pose.
175. 4:41>> This guy had been uh they had their
176. 4:43uncle it was he was doing like
177. 4:44>> [laughter]
178. 4:46>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
179. 4:47>> What? He was doing like
180. 4:48>> like like a It was like a yoga pose.
181. 4:51Like it looked like he was doing a like
182. 4:53yeah, like a no, like a prayer or like
183. 4:54he was going to do like he was doing
184. 4:56part of patty cake, you know?
185. 4:58>> Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he and they caught
186. 4:59him like right like that, but I remember
187. 5:00they had him they had a they had a human
188. 5:02man taxidermied. The craziest part was
189. 5:04one joke, there's one guy that laughs,
190. 5:06right? The lights are off in there,
191. 5:08right? One guy that laughs. And it's a
192. 5:10black guy laughing, right? I grew up in
193. 5:11a black neighbor, I know a black guy
194. 5:13laugh from a white guy laugh, unless
195. 5:14it's Lester Holt. So, the one guy that
196. 5:16laughs is black, and [clears throat] I'm
197. 5:17like, "At least a brother laughed for
198. 5:19me, right?" I said that, right? So, for
199. 5:22some reason, they bring the lights up as
200. 5:25if we need to see if it's a black guy
201. 5:27laughing. Oh [laughter] my god.
202. 5:29The only thing that went right in the
203. 5:31whole production is that at some point
204. 5:33when I mentioned that that's a black guy
205. 5:35laughing, they bring the [ __ ] lights
206. 5:37[laughter]
207. 5:37up. And?
208. 5:39>> And? AND IT WAS.
209. 5:41IT WAS LESTER HOLT.
210. 5:43>> [laughter]
211. 5:44>> THE ONE black guy they invited to the
212. 5:46thing found enjoyed it. No, I like doing
213. 5:49cocaine, man. I found myself I was in a
214. 5:50taxi doing cocaine and the guy the
215. 5:53driver was in the back. I was driving
216. 5:54this in New York City. Mhm. And so You
217. 5:57were driving.
218. 5:58>> a.m. Yeah. And I was like, "Oh, man."
219. 6:00And the next morning I was supposed to
220. 6:01be on Opie and Jim
221. 6:03>> Uh-huh. radio show, Sirius. And Darryl
222. 6:06Strawberry was the other guest, right?
223. 6:07>> Wow.
224. 6:08>> And I show up I can't even talk.
225. 6:09>> He's done some coke in his day. Yeah,
226. 6:11dude. I thought he was going to do me,
227. 6:13bro. He's got some big nostrils. I got
228. 6:14big nostrils, dude. He could [ __ ]
229. 6:16>> [snorts]
230. 6:16>> he could hit he could kill a spice rack
231. 6:18from 50 ft away, bro. You know what I'm
232. 6:20saying? He's got that he's got that
233. 6:21hitter, bro. You see someone with big
234. 6:23nostrils and you're like, "Oh, man. If
235. 6:25you're not doing coke, you're missing
236. 6:26out on a whole career that you could be
237. 6:28having."
238. 6:28>> But dude, I know what his life is like,
239. 6:29man. I got those you know, I got those
240. 6:31intakes. My father I mean he was 70
241. 6:33years old. Damn. What was he like? Who
242. 6:36was he? Just kind of like a regular guy,
243. 6:38maybe about 6'1". Mhm. But getting
244. 6:40shorter by the hour almost cuz of old
245. 6:41age. Oh, really? Yeah, old age takes a
246. 6:44lot of density out of your bones.
247. 6:46That's why if you're really old I feel
248. 6:47like you should almost I don't want to
249. 6:48say like bathe in milk, but you want to
250. 6:51you want to get the suppositories or
251. 6:52something. You want to Yeah, yeah.
252. 6:54>> just hide calcium in your ass or
253. 6:56whatever you got to do to bone up.
254. 6:58You know, to get marrow heavy. I'm
255. 6:59serious.
256. 7:00>> Yeah. How old are you? I'm in my 40s.
257. 7:02>> Are you really? Yeah. You look older
258. 7:04than that actually, just a little bit.
259. 7:05[laughter]
260. 7:06No offense. What cuz of what cuz of the
261. 7:09cuz of the beanie? Oh, [laughter] maybe.
262. 7:11Maybe that's it.
263. 7:13Well, you seem like a nice guy though.
264. 7:15Yeah, you know, but I will tell you that
265. 7:16I could take you to places, towns right
266. 7:17now where we would show up and it would
267. 7:19be like come meet the first Asian you've
268. 7:20ever met and you would be that first
269. 7:21Like a freak show? Like a like I'm the
270. 7:24hairy face boy? Oh, [laughter] dude.
271. 7:25Yeah, yeah. What?
272. 7:26>> No, we had a hairy face boy in our town,
273. 7:28too.
274. 7:29This kid named THUNDER CAT. YEAH.
275. 7:31>> [laughter]
276. 7:32>> AND HE GOT HE HE uh He had the disease
277. 7:34the hairy face disease?
278. 7:35>> No, he had long hairy face disease. He
279. 7:37had very They used to cornrow his
280. 7:39cheeks. A lot of the black girls
281. 7:40[laughter]
282. 7:41would cornrow his cheeks in the summer.
283. 7:44Give them a little bit of relief from
284. 7:45the heat.
285. 7:46>> [laughter]
286. 7:46>> I [ __ ] wet the bed till I was 28. I
287. 7:49still wet the bed, though.
288. 7:50>> Yeah, you got [laughter] Never mind. Not
289. 7:52Not every week. Yeah, not every week.
290. 7:54Like a [ __ ] muffin.
291. 7:55>> [ __ ] week like
292. 7:55>> I did I did it like a [ __ ] bee's
293. 7:57show.
294. 7:57>> Once a year you wet the peanut bed, you
295. 7:59got [ __ ] let it go. Let the old go.
296. 8:01>> Yeah, once a year I say, "This ain't for
297. 8:03you, toilet." No, [ __ ] it. Keep it
298. 8:04[laughter] for myself.
299. 8:06I narrate a show called How the Universe
300. 8:08Works, which ought to be called A
301. 8:10Thousand Ways to Die, cuz every single
302. 8:12episode talks about either a magnetron
303. 8:14or a quasar.
304. 8:15>> a batching gay dudes coming and scooping
305. 8:17[laughter] you up. That's one of my
306. 8:19biggest fears. I feel like if you're in
307. 8:20a park or something cuz a lot of
308. 8:22[snorts] gay men are way tougher than
309. 8:23they used to be. This lady in my town
310. 8:25named her kid No Dante. She goes,
311. 8:27"Because I knew he was going to be bad.
312. 8:29I was just going to call him Dante, but
313. 8:30I knew he was going to be bad, so I call
314. 8:32him No Dante."
315. 8:34So, when I say his name, he already know
316. 8:36he's not supposed to be doing it.
317. 8:37>> He know what's up.
318. 8:39That's so great. Brilliant, really. No
319. 8:42Danny, I would name all my kids that. No
320. 8:44Suzy. Everything.
321. 8:47Yeah. You know you can text 911? I
322. 8:49texted them one time this ginger dude
323. 8:50was bothering me. What happened? And
324. 8:53they
325. 8:53>> dude was bothering you? What do you mean
326. 8:55by that? Yeah, he was bothering me 100%,
327. 8:56you know? And so I texted, "Hey, this
328. 8:58ginger's bothering me." You know, to
329. 8:59911, and they hit me right back.
330. 9:01>> What did they say? Yeah, they're like,
331. 9:03uh, "Is this an actual emergency? Where
332. 9:05are you?" [ __ ] [laughter] serious.
333. 9:07Isn't that crazy you can text 911? What
334. 9:09the [ __ ] Are you single? I'm single,
335. 9:11yeah.
336. 9:11>> Are you ready to I'll mangle, dude. You
337. 9:14know, I'm not that premier sex You know,
338. 9:16I'm not like a real I'm not good at sex.
339. 9:18>> Me neither. Oh, you're the right one,
340. 9:20bro.
341. 9:21False.
342. 9:22You think I'm good at sex, bro? Dude, I
343. 9:25bet you are Babe Ruth, bro. I bet they
344. 9:27send you in there to freaking You'll
345. 9:29pitch it and hit it, dog.
346. 9:30>> [laughter]
347. 9:32>> stage that I ever saw
348. 9:34Well, I saw some drawings, right?
349. 9:37>> [laughter]
350. 9:38>> I remember definitely seeing a lot of
351. 9:39drawings when we were kids of Asians cuz
352. 9:40they're easy to draw.
353. 9:42So, a lot of kids would draw Asians,
354. 9:44right? After that,
355. 9:46true story, the next Asian I ever saw,
356. 9:48the closest real Asian,
357. 9:50was that picture in the Guinness Book of
358. 9:52World Records when there was like an
359. 9:53Asian, like 17 Asian kids on a bicycle.
360. 9:55Remember that one, the famous picture?
361. 9:56>> That's it.
362. 9:57>> no, that was just the first
363. 9:59I was like, "Holy [ __ ] Look what they
364. 10:02can do, you know?"
365. 10:04And it made me like But it made us do
366. 10:06cool stuff on our bike and like see what
367. 10:08we could do.
368. 10:08>> Yeah. There are no Asians in Compton.
369. 10:11There I don't think there are any more.
370. 10:12I mean, they might have had one, you
371. 10:14know, at a certain point or a couple of
372. 10:15that came through in some sort of a
373. 10:16program, but I don't think that
374. 10:19If you ask somebody like where can I
375. 10:21meet some Asian people here, nobody's
376. 10:23going to know. I thought there was a lot
377. 10:24of Vietnamese there. No? Huh?
378. 10:26Vietnamese?
379. 10:27>> Viets? No, dude.
380. 10:28>> [laughter]
381. 10:28>> There are no Viets there, man.
382. 10:30>> Let me ask you this. And I And I love
383. 10:31the Viets, man. I've spent a lot of time
384. 10:33around the around the Vietnamese.
385. 10:35>> Yeah. I love the Vietnamese. I've been
386. 10:36to Vietnam. I've been to Saigon. I've
387. 10:38been to Shang Peng. Yeah. I mean, I
388. 10:40actually I mean, I mean, I'm a big fan
389. 10:42of Sean Penn. That's why
390. 10:44>> [laughter]
391. 10:45>> Shang Peng sounds fun, huh?
392. 10:49You know? I've been to Montreal, you
393. 10:50know? You didn't love the French?
394. 10:52>> the Canadians. French Canadians? Yeah,
395. 10:54I'll take them.
396. 10:54>> You love Canadians, period.
397. 10:56>> I love Canadians, period. But do you
398. 10:57love French Canadians? Yes, because they
399. 11:00are Canadian. But French, bro?
400. 11:03Not into French? And nobody is. They
401. 11:05make great wine. Yeah, that's not true.
402. 11:06People go to Paris every year. Yeah, but
403. 11:08they leave.
404. 11:10>> [laughter]
405. 11:11>> It's not the kind of place people are
406. 11:12milling around, man.
407. 11:14When the Halloween, when I was young, is
408. 11:16I remember this one house we went to and
409. 11:18their grandfather had died. They [ __ ]
410. 11:20They The grandfather died on Halloween.
411. 11:22They left him out on the porch for the
412. 11:23night, bro. How [ __ ] awesome is that,
413. 11:26right? Knowing that he's dead anyway,
414. 11:28right? But sometimes these houses would
415. 11:30have Did people think he was a
416. 11:31decoration or Or people thought he was
417. 11:33just being scared and resting.
418. 11:35But But this is when he died. And that's
419. 11:37when he left the earth. It was on
420. 11:38Halloween, right? Would you rather know
421. 11:40when you're going to die or how you're
422. 11:42going to die? I would rather know how
423. 11:44I'm going to die because I'd rather know
424. 11:47like want to know indoors or outdoors,
425. 11:49probably so I could kind of be prepared
426. 11:50on how to not dress, but how to
427. 11:53Like I don't want to die in the wrong
428. 11:54shoes, you know? So one time we're over
429. 11:56there eating steaks at his house and my
430. 11:58buddy Scotty's in the other room and
431. 12:01I went in the kitchen to get something
432. 12:03and Scotty yelled at me. He goes, "Hey
433. 12:04man, can you give me some sour cream?"
434. 12:06because he had a baked potato come with
435. 12:07it side item. I said, "No, but you can
436. 12:09have some of this sweet cream." I was
437. 12:10joking, semen. Thanks for clarifying
438. 12:12that, [laughter] by the way.
439. 12:14Yeah.
440. 12:15So big Richard's in the other room, bro,
441. 12:16and I hear him go, "Can I have some?"
442. 12:19>> [laughter]
443. 12:20>> And that's when all of our brains were
444. 12:22just like
445. 12:23NO. [screaming]
446. 12:24BRO, YOU COULD FEEL ALL [ __ ] FOUR OF
447. 12:27US OVER THERE. YES. AND IT ALL STARTED
448. 12:28TO CONNECT. OH MY GOD. And we're like,
449. 12:30"What are we doing?"
450. 12:31>> [laughter]
451. 12:32>> That's how pet owls get you, man,
452. 12:34because you don't think it's a a thing.
453. 12:36You don't think it's a date. You think
454. 12:38it's just [laughter]
455. 12:39eating steak and it with a man. Dude,
456. 12:41one time a friend of mine got a [ __ ]
457. 12:42from Jennifer Capriati on top of a
458. 12:44restaurant in West Hollywood.
459. 12:45>> I don't know who that is, that a famous
460. 12:47person? No. Oh. And while it was
461. 12:49happening
462. 12:49>> Yeah.
463. 12:50>> [laughter]
464. 12:50>> While it was happening, he stepped on a
465. 12:51glass skylight and fell through into the
466. 12:54kitchen. While getting head? Isn't that
467. 12:55awesome, bro? I mean, it's awesome and
468. 12:57it's also super You know it's not
469. 12:59awesome as well. Imagine just falling
470. 13:00into a kitchen with your dick out. Dude,
471. 13:02imagine fixing up a bully a base and a
472. 13:04[ __ ] white dude drops through.
473. 13:06Preparing a
474. 13:07charcuterie board.
475. 13:08Boom.
476. 13:10Just penis out, half erect.
477. 13:12>> Yeah, bro. You just Imagine you're
478. 13:13struggling to open a jar of capers and a
479. 13:16big white dude falls through with his
480. 13:18wank hanging out, man. Giovanni, give
481. 13:20him another round of applause. Thanks,
482. 13:22man. [laughter] Dude, I feel like I'm at
483. 13:23the WEIRDEST BARBER SHOP
484. 13:27EVER. YEAH. SO, DUDE, you just got back
485. 13:30>> like, is anybody going [laughter] to CUT
486. 13:31MY HAIR?
487. 13:36THIS [ __ ] IS THIS [ __ ] NO WONDER THIS
488. 13:38[ __ ] HAS TWO stars on it.
489. 13:40>> [laughter]
490. 13:41>> Think so. Think about it.
491. 13:42>> for like 10 minutes.
492. 13:43>> Imagine it though.
493. 13:44>> to look at the world through your eyes
494. 13:45for 10 [laughter] minutes.
495. 13:46>> take you I'd take you right to the
496. 13:47hospital. I'd be like, whatever
497. 13:49medication we're on, we got to change
498. 13:51it. We got to fix this. Bro, you should
499. 13:53meet yourself [laughter] then, bro.
500. 13:55You are extraterrestrial, man.
501. 13:58>> [laughter]
502. 13:59>> They had this dude in our [ __ ] in
503. 14:00college named Gnome, right? Everybody
504. 14:02called him Gnome, this dude. He was like
505. 14:04little, but he [laughter] wasn't like a
506. 14:06little person, you know? He was just
507. 14:07outside of that, you know? And he
508. 14:10anytime he hooked up with a chick, he
509. 14:11would wear her underwear around his
510. 14:13neck. It was like his thing, right? And
511. 14:14he'd do that all summer. By the end of
512. 14:16summer, this dude would be running
513. 14:18around looking like a [ __ ] like he
514. 14:19just robbed a bank in the Wild West.
515. 14:21He'd have like nine pairs of [ __ ]
516. 14:22women's underwear around his neck, you
517. 14:24know? He wouldn't take them off? Not for
518. 14:26the summer. Now, in the winter, he was
519. 14:28free You could see his neck. He was
520. 14:29natural in the winter.
521. 14:31>> [laughter]
522. 14:32>> Never had Korean barbecue? No,
523. 14:34[clears throat] but I'll tell you this
524. 14:35though, one time they had a pet I don't
525. 14:36know if it was a pet shop or what it was
526. 14:38in Vietnam, right? They were killing
527. 14:40animals. They were killing animals. It
528. 14:41could have been like a butcheria. Yeah,
529. 14:43butcheria.
530. 14:44>> [laughter]
531. 14:44>> Well, they had a dove, dude, that I'm
532. 14:46like, this is a peace bird, you know?
533. 14:48And I
534. 14:49I've actually eaten dove before. I had a
535. 14:51couple of brothers used to cook dove up
536. 14:52by me when I was growing up.
537. 14:54>> [laughter]
538. 14:54>> They did.
539. 14:55And I'd see him eating dove, and for
540. 14:57years I'm like, I don't eat peace meats,
541. 14:58you know?
542. 14:59Peace [laughter] meat.
543. 15:01That's a good restaurant name. And then
544. 15:02finally I had some. Yeah. But
545. 15:05uh
546. 15:06you can't get the fact that you're
547. 15:08eating peace out of your head, I felt
548. 15:09like.
549. 15:11For me.
550. 15:12But you know, I have a diagnosed OCD,
551. 15:14and that's obsessive-compulsive
552. 15:15disorder. No, but the but I obsess
553. 15:18Thank you.
554. 15:20>> [laughter]
555. 15:21>> I mean, not judgement, but you know it.
556. 15:23How old was he got it? No, there's some
557. 15:25mud rats out there that have no genes
558. 15:27almost, I feel like. Like mud rat
559. 15:28humans?
560. 15:29>> Yeah, just people that are just
561. 15:30[laughter]
562. 15:32smoking their own dicks out there who
563. 15:33have no real life like you know what I'm
564. 15:35saying? Like I've met some people who
565. 15:36yeah, they're breathing, but that's it
566. 15:39really. You like duck, man? I've had
567. 15:41duck neck. It's too oily. I've never had
568. 15:42duck body, I've had duck neck.
569. 15:44>> You have?
570. 15:44>> I've had duck neck, I've never had duck
571. 15:46body. Duck neck. What's duck neck, man?
572. 15:48Duck neck. Duck neck. What if somebody
573. 15:50eats a lot of neck, are you called a Go
574. 15:52ahead. Go ahead.
575. 15:52>> A necker? Yeah.
576. 15:54>> [laughter]
577. 15:56>> No, you're not. Are you looked at up?
578. 15:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A
579. 15:58necker.
580. 15:59Necker. Necker, yeah. My bad.
581. 16:02And then I had some abandonment issues
582. 16:04actually when it came to Asians for a
583. 16:05long time because of that. And then a
584. 16:07kid named Jason Desport that showed up
585. 16:09when I was in junior high school.
586. 16:11And people used to always
587. 16:12people had this group at the time called
588. 16:13whites against Mexicans. And people
589. 16:15would attack him sometimes even though
590. 16:17he wasn't Mexican cuz he was like
591. 16:18closest thing we had to a Mexican. He's
592. 16:20he's Asian. Pretty much. Korean,
593. 16:23Chinese, Japanese.
594. 16:25He was kind of like what is a happy one
595. 16:26that you would see like on some of the
596. 16:27posters with the rosy cheeks kind of.
597. 16:29>> [snorts]
598. 16:30>> Jesus, I
599. 16:31I don't
600. 16:31>> [laughter]
601. 16:32>> Like wearing a diaper like sitting in a
602. 16:33tub.
603. 16:34No, man.
604. 16:36George, help me out, man.
605. 16:38>> What do you mean George, dude? George,
606. 16:39help me out.
607. 16:41Dude, you can't
608. 16:42>> [laughter]
609. 16:43>> phone a freaking Icelandic guy. Ilan
610. 16:45Asian. Ilani.
611. 16:48What's he talking about?
612. 16:49>> What's the happiest to the A I mean this
613. 16:50kid was probably happy kind of same skin
614. 16:52tone as Ilani. Filipino? Yes, he could
615. 16:54have been Filipino. He was a Filipino.
616. 16:56[laughter]
617. 16:57Beautiful guy. Dude, I remember one time
618. 16:59we snuck back some [ __ ] winstrol or
619. 17:01something cuz they only used to have
620. 17:02three steroids, you know? What like
621. 17:04deca, winstrol, what's the other one?
622. 17:06>> Test [ __ ] test 200 [ __ ]
623. 17:09>> [laughter]
624. 17:10>> Dude, one of my buddies his skull grew
625. 17:12and that was it.
626. 17:14>> [laughter]
627. 17:14>> That was it. Not even joking. That a in
628. 17:16our town named Gene.
629. 17:17>> like Gene looked like Bobby Big Wheels.
630. 17:19Dude, he came back to school the next
631. 17:21year. He really He had [ __ ] probably
632. 17:23four extra pounds of skull and sternum
633. 17:25on him and that was it.
634. 17:26>> That's it. Nothing else grew? But we
635. 17:28stole a bunch from Cancun one time in a
636. 17:30shampoo bottle, brought it back,
637. 17:31[laughter] right? [ __ ] still
638. 17:33dispersed it and everybody used it,
639. 17:35dude. To win straw? Oh, bro, you'd be
640. 17:38doing the [ __ ] You'd be doing chest
641. 17:40presses [ __ ] two bubbles would just
642. 17:42pop out of your [ __ ] chest. That [ __ ]
643. 17:45stands out,
644. 17:45>> [laughter]
645. 17:45>> man.
646. 17:46I was suspect, man.
647. 17:47>> Suspect, man. But it was fun, man. My
648. 17:49buddy and I used to do it, man. This guy
649. 17:52I knew was having sex with this girl and
650. 17:54like the rest of us were just
651. 17:56just kind of being lonely outside of his
652. 17:58room. And [laughter] um
653. 18:01we went on the balcony.
654. 18:03How many guys were outside of the room
655. 18:05being lonely? Three guys. [laughter]
656. 18:08So one guy's in there getting his freak
657. 18:10on and everybody else is outside
658. 18:12Dude, we found some bones when I was a
659. 18:13kid in these [clears throat] wishing
660. 18:15wells in our
661. 18:16neighb- [snorts] in our like town. They
662. 18:17had like this youth group. Through
663. 18:19church? It was kind of through the
664. 18:21church. It was after-school like on
665. 18:22Wednesday night people would meet up and
666. 18:24they'd have like a religious guy who was
667. 18:25like and he'd play fun games with
668. 18:27everybody, but everybody was just trying
669. 18:28to sneak off in the dark and kiss or
670. 18:30whatever. Well, it's
671. 18:31Mississippi-Louisiana border, you know.
672. 18:33Oh, yeah. And if they border, I want to,
673. 18:35you know. That's my That was my motto.
674. 18:38Oh, our states [snorts] are bordering,
675. 18:39we should, you know. Um
676. 18:42You ever had any plastic surgery? Uh I
677. 18:44got like hair taken out of the back of
678. 18:45my head, put in the front of my head.
679. 18:47>> You did?
680. 18:47>> Yeah. How was that? It was pretty good.
681. 18:49I only got 500 hairs. So I don't know if
682. 18:51it was super helpful or not, but
683. 18:52>> did that cost you?
684. 18:53>> I love surgery.
685. 18:54>> It cost maybe 5,000. Really? And you're
686. 18:58happy with it? Yeah. I'm pretty happy
687. 19:00with it. Would you rather be blind or
688. 19:01[ __ ] dude? These days probably
689. 19:03[ __ ] I think. I had a blind kid in
690. 19:05my neighborhood when I was growing up
691. 19:07and
692. 19:08actually, you know, this dude was deaf,
693. 19:09actually. And they beat him up for doing
694. 19:11bad magic. Cuz he was always doing all
695. 19:13of this and [ __ ] and people thought he's
696. 19:14doing magic with no tricks and they
697. 19:16[ __ ] beat him. So. Would you have
698. 19:18fought in World War II? Yeah. Yeah, I
699. 19:20would have fought, man. Which side? I
700. 19:21don't I didn't I I I have to go look at
701. 19:23the chart. I don't even know who I
702. 19:24>> [music]
703. 19:24>> I know who was in it, but I know it was
704. 19:26a Bulls Lakers was it? Who was it? It's
705. 19:30USA, Russia, France, Britain, not really
706. 19:32France, against Germany. Oh, I would
707. 19:35have got in.
708. 19:36Probably sixth man award.
709. 19:37I dude, I bet O.J. Simpson and Dennis
710. 19:39Rodman have [ __ ] a lot of the same
711. 19:41chicks, bro.
712. 19:42>> [laughter]
713. 19:43>> When you think about that.
714. 19:44>> Think about other wiggers though that
715. 19:45are out there, dude, because we got to
716. 19:47keep cuz these people are dying off.
717. 19:48First of all, it's a dying breed. Can we
718. 19:50say that? Yeah. Well, I would say that.
719. 19:52>> Real ones though. I'm talking about guys
720. 19:54that wear North Carolina jerseys all the
721. 19:55time.
722. 19:56>> you can't just be a white dude who just
723. 19:58listens to rap and be considered a
724. 19:59wigger. You have to like really be going
725. 20:01above and beyond dressing ridiculous.
726. 20:04And you can't just dress like the
727. 20:05average black dude either. You have to
728. 20:07dress like the most far
729. 20:08>> Double black. You got to go double
730. 20:10black. You can't dress like a light
731. 20:11brother from Seattle, bro, or one of
732. 20:13these freaking gray brothers. I'm
733. 20:14talking about you got to go real deep.
734. 20:16I'm talking about a Florida bad boy. You
735. 20:18got to wear huge [ __ ] shoes, tie the
736. 20:20laces up behind your [ __ ] earlobes.
737. 20:22Like you got to have You got to be
738. 20:23juiced up.
739. 20:24>> No, I 100% agree with that.