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The Mindset Shifts That Took Me From Anxious to Secure In Love — Transcript

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0:00I genuinely believe that there's certain
0:02ideas that once you understand them,
0:04they can completely change the way that
0:06you experience your relationships. It's
0:09not because the people that you date
0:12suddenly change, but because you do. I
0:14spent so many years looking for dating
0:16advice. How do I stop overthinking? How
0:19do I stop chasing people? How do I
0:21attract people? How do I find a healthy
0:24relationship? But looking back, I don't
0:26think I needed more dating advice. But
0:29what I needed was a completely different
0:31way of thinking about love. Because the
0:34way that you think about relationships
0:36eventually becomes the way that you
0:38experience them. And over the past
0:40years, there have been a handful of
0:43mindset shifts that completely transform
0:45the way that I date, the way I love, and
0:48honestly, the way that I see myself.
0:51These mindset shifts have completely
0:53transformed my own love life. These are
0:56the mindset shifts that led me to the
0:58healthiest, most secure relationship
1:00that I have ever had. One that's now
1:02lasted almost for years. And it's quite
1:05a feat if you think about that. I've
1:08never been in a longterm relationship
1:10like this ever before in my life. It
1:12just became proof to me that when you
1:14change the way that you think about
1:16love, you change the kind of love that
1:19you're able to attract. So yeah, these
1:22aren't dating tips. They are
1:24perspectives that completely changed my
1:27life like nothing else did before. And I
1:30genuinely believe that if someone had
1:32shared these with me in my early 20ies,
1:35they will have saved me so many years of
1:37confusion, so many times of overthinking
1:40and heartbreak. So today I'm going to
1:43share them with you. The first thing
1:44that I want you to realize is this. Most
1:47people think that the biggest thing
1:49standing between them and a healthy
1:51relationship is finding the right
1:54person, finding the other part of the
1:56equation that is going to equal a
1:58relationship. I really don't think that
2:00this is true anymore. I think that the
2:02biggest thing standing between us and
2:05healthy love is the way that we have
2:07learned to think about it because every
2:09decision that we make in our
2:11relationship comes from what we believe
2:14love is. If I believe love has to be
2:17earned, I will constantly try to prove
2:19myself. If I believe my partner
2:22completes me, I will be terrified of
2:25losing them. If I believe someone else
2:27determines my worth, their opinion will
2:30always matter more than my own. Every
2:33behavior starts as a belief. And the
2:35scary part is that most of those beliefs
2:38were not even consciously chosen from
2:40us. We have simply inherited them from
2:43our childhood, from our parents, from
2:45movies, from social media, from our past
2:48relationships, from heartbreak, from
2:50rejection. So, we've spent so many years
2:53building our lives around beliefs that
2:56we never stopped to question. And that's
2:58what exactly happened to me. Hey guys,
3:00I'm Andrea. Welcome or welcome back to
3:02my channel. So, today I'm going to show
3:04you the mindset shifts that have
3:06completely changed the way that I see
3:08healthy love and relationships. So,
3:11let's get into it. When I look back at
3:13the woman that I used to be, I don't
3:16think that she was insecure because she
3:19lacked confidence. I think that she just
3:21simply believed a lot of things about
3:24love that were not true, that were not
3:26serving her. I remember that I believe
3:29that finding the right relationship will
3:31finally make me feel whole and complete
3:34and like that my life is together. I
3:36believe that if someone loved me enough,
3:39I will finally be able to stop doubting
3:41myself. I will finally be able to be
3:43confident in myself. I believe that if
3:46someone chose me, I will finally feel
3:48chosen by myself. And so, without even
3:51realizing it, I had quietly handed
3:54someone else the responsibility of
3:57making me feel whole. Because of all of
3:59these beliefs, because of the beliefs
4:01that I have inherited, my behavior was
4:04reflecting that. And because of that,
4:08every relationship carried so much
4:11pressure, so much expectation. I wasn't
4:14just hoping someone will like me and we
4:16will mix well and we will be compatible,
4:19but I was hoping that they will finally
4:21make me feel like I was enough. And I
4:23remember how my early dating felt so
4:26exhausting because every conversation
4:28felt like it meant something. Every text
4:31that would be delayed, it also meant
4:34something. Literally everything meant
4:35something. Every change in their energy
4:37meant something. So I was constantly
4:39trying to figure out where I stood with
4:42that person. Do they still like me? Are
4:44they losing interest now? Did I say
4:46something that was wrong and turn them
4:49off? Am I asking maybe for too much
4:51here? Am I not enough for them to be so
4:54attracted to me? So looking back, I
4:56wasn't actually trying to understand the
4:59other person. But I was trying to always
5:01protect myself from a story. A story
5:04that I have already decided that was
5:06true. And that was a story that they
5:08will eventually leave. That eventually I
5:11will be maybe too much or not enough or
5:14too difficult or too emotional. those
5:17the relationships that I was in, the
5:18people that I was dating were not
5:20creating those fears. They were just
5:22simply introducing me to them. They were
5:24simply reflecting them back to me. And I
5:26honestly think that's one of the biggest
5:28purposes of a relationship. It's not
5:29just to show us another person, but to
5:31reveal the parts of ourselves that we
5:34have been avoiding, that we have been
5:36pushing back and try to distract
5:38ourselves from. And that is because
5:40every relationship eventually introduces
5:43you to yourself. It introduces you to
5:46the version of you that feels safe, the
5:48version of you that panics. It
5:50introduces you and shows you the version
5:52of you that overthinks, that people
5:55pleases, the version of you that
5:57abandons herself just to avoid being
6:00abandoned by someone else. And as
6:02painful as that was to realize and to
6:05see, it completely changed the way that
6:08I approached healing my relationships
6:11because it allowed me to understand that
6:13I can't continue asking how do I find
6:16better relationships because obviously
6:19this won't change anything. The better
6:22question here that I need to start
6:23asking is what are the beliefs that I'm
6:26taking into every relationship that I
6:29enter that as a result get reflected
6:32back into my relationships. And that
6:35question changed everything because it
6:38made me realize something else. It made
6:40me realize that the quality of my
6:43relationships will never rise above the
6:46quality of my relationship that I had
6:48with myself. So every relationship that
6:51I entered was simply reflecting the way
6:54that I already saw myself. So if I
6:57believed that I wasn't enough, I would
7:00constantly look for proof. If I believe
7:03that love had to be earned, then I will
7:05overgive. If I believe that happiness
7:08lived inside another person, I will
7:11become terrified of losing them. So the
7:13relationships were never the starting
7:16point. My beliefs were. And the
7:18beautiful thing about beliefs is that
7:21well they can change. It's not easy but
7:24we can do that one perspective at a
7:26time, one realization at a time, one
7:29mindset shift at a time. And so these
7:32are the 10 mindset shifts that genuinely
7:35changed the way that I experienced love
7:37forever. Mindset shift number one was
7:39learning to stop waiting for a
7:42relationship to become the beginning of
7:44my life. I genuinely think that this was
7:47the mindset shift that has changed
7:50everything else because for so many
7:52years I wasn't actually looking for a
7:55relationship. I was looking for a life.
7:57I was looking for fun, for excitement,
8:00for activities, for novelty. And so I
8:03thought that the relationship would be
8:05the thing that finally made everything
8:08feel exciting, everything feel fun and
8:11new. that by having a relationship I
8:14will finally have someone to travel
8:16with, someone to make memories with,
8:18someone to come home to, someone to make
8:20ordinary moments feel special. And so
8:23without realizing it, I had quickly made
8:26another person responsible for bringing
8:29my life to life. And that is honestly a
8:32responsibility that no relationship can
8:35carry forever. So the biggest shift
8:38happened when I asked myself something
8:40that I have never considered really
8:41before. I asked myself why am I waiting?
8:45Why am I waiting to romanticize my life?
8:48Why am I waiting to start creating
8:51memories? Why am I waiting to take the
8:53trip? Why am I waiting to go to that
8:56restaurant? Why am I waiting to become
8:58the main character of my own story? I've
9:01realized that I've turned my present
9:03into a prison, into a waiting room for
9:06my potential future. And the more I
9:09waited in there, the more I convinced
9:11myself that my life really hadn't really
9:14started yet, that I have to wait, that I
9:17am not there yet. Here's what I've come
9:19to believe. The moment you ask another
9:22person to become the reason that your
9:24life feels meaningful, you have given
9:26them a job that no human being can
9:29successfully do. No relationship can
9:32carry that weight and that is because
9:33your partner is not supposed to become
9:35your life. They are supposed to
9:37experience the life that you have
9:39already built next to you. And the irony
9:41is that I actually think this is why
9:44people say that love finds you when
9:47you're not looking. It's not because the
9:48universe has finally decided that it's
9:50your turn now. You can have love in your
9:53life, but it's because you have stopped
9:55waiting. You have built a life that
9:56already feels full. You are already
9:58laughing. You're already growing. You're
10:00already leaving. And now a relationship
10:03becomes something that you get to share
10:05these things with. Not something that
10:07you're desperately hoping that will
10:09finally rescue you from your own boring,
10:12stale life. The goal isn't to build a
10:15life that makes someone want to stay,
10:18but it's to build a life that you will
10:20still fall in love with even if nobody
10:22came, even if nobody came and stayed.
10:25And that is freedom. Because whether
10:27there is a person, whether you're alone,
10:29you get to still enjoy and love your
10:32life. Mindset shift number two is that
10:35the relationship is not creating your
10:38wounds, is introducing you to them. This
10:40one really changed the way that I heal.
10:43Because for the longest time, I thought
10:45that relationships were making me
10:47anxious. I thought that relationships
10:49were responsible for making me more
10:51insecure, making me overthink, making me
10:54fear abandonment. But eventually I had
10:56to realize something that was really
10:57uncomfortable to admit. And that was the
11:00realization that the relationship was
11:02not creating those feelings, but it was
11:05simply revealing the beliefs that I had
11:07been carrying long before that person
11:10had ever entered my life. So that delay
11:13text didn't create my fear. It just
11:15introduced me to it. The disagreement
11:17that I had in my relationship, it didn't
11:19create my insecurity. It revealed it.
11:22The inconsistency, it didn't create my
11:24fear of abandonment. It just simply
11:26touched the wound that was already
11:28there. And as painful as that
11:30realization was, it was also incredibly
11:33freeing because if another person didn't
11:36create my wound, that meant that another
11:39person wasn't responsible for healing it
11:42either. And I think that's what
11:43relationships really do. They just hold
11:45up a mirror right into your face. And
11:48it's not to show us who we are, but it's
11:51to show us who we believe that we are.
11:54If I believe I'm not enough, then I will
11:56interpret someone's bad mood as
11:58rejection. I will take it personally. If
12:00I believe that I have to earn love
12:02because I am not enough the way that I
12:04am, I will constantly overgive and
12:07overextend myself to be worthy of it. If
12:10I believe and I'm afraid that people
12:12will always leave, I will spend the
12:14whole relationship prepared for that
12:16ending instead of enjoying the middle
12:19instead of enjoying my time with that
12:21person. So the relationship isn't
12:23showing me reality is simply showing us
12:26and reflecting to us the story that we
12:29have been telling ourselves. Even though
12:31we have not been conscious of it, this
12:33is the story we've been subconsciously
12:35telling oursel. And that's one of the
12:37greatest gifts that love can give us
12:40because you cannot heal a wound that you
12:42don't know exists. You cannot heal
12:45something that you're not aware of. So
12:47as soon as you have the awareness,
12:49you're able to start acknowledging it,
12:51accepting it, and trying to heal it, to
12:54work with it. The fact that
12:56relationships reflect our wounds also
12:58means that sometimes the relationships
13:01that are sent to us were not sent to us
13:04to become our forever. Sometimes those
13:06relationships are sent to introduce you
13:08to the part of yourself that was finally
13:11ready to heal and that was finally ready
13:13to be let go of. So every relationship
13:16will eventually introduce you to
13:18yourself. The question is whether you're
13:21willing to meet her and whether you're
13:23willing to sit with her to understand
13:25her and to hear her. Mindset shift
13:27number three is realizing that you don't
13:29become secure because someone finally
13:32chooses you. You become secure and then
13:35you experience being chosen differently.
13:37I think this is one of the biggest myths
13:40that we have been sold. We think that
13:42once I find the right person, I will
13:44finally stop overthinking. I will stop
13:47comparing myself. I will stop feeling
13:49anxious. I will finally feel secure. But
13:52but that's truly not what happens.
13:55Because if you don't already believe
13:56that you're enough, you don't already
13:58believe you're lovable and deserving,
14:00your mind will always find a way to
14:03doubt the relationship too. Someone will
14:05tell you that they love you and in your
14:07head you're going to be saying, "Oh,
14:08they're just saying that." Someone, they
14:10will be choosing you. They will be
14:12taking actions to show that they are
14:14choosing you. And you will be thinking,
14:16"Oh, they'll change their mind
14:18eventually." Someone will decide to stay
14:20with you, to be with you. and you will
14:23be thinking, "Oh, they just haven't seen
14:25the real me yet." And if you notice,
14:27what really happens here is that reality
14:30bends itself around your identity and
14:32not the other way around. And that's why
14:35reassurance never lasts. No matter how
14:38much reassurance you get from the other
14:40person, it will it will feel like a
14:42bucket that has holes and is always
14:45constantly feels drained as soon as it
14:47gets filled. And that is not because
14:50people are not reassuring enough or
14:52they're not doing enough, but is because
14:54your identity rejects evidence that
14:57doesn't match the story that you already
14:59believe. So for me, I used to think that
15:02I needed someone to constantly remind me
15:04that I mattered. Someone to see how
15:07special I am and they will like do
15:09anything for me. They will reassure me.
15:12they will prove to me that we're not
15:13leaving and that they by doing that they
15:16will convince me that I was enough. But
15:18eventually I realized that I wasn't
15:21actually asking for that reassurance. I
15:24was asking another person to do a job
15:26that belonged to me. I was responsible
15:29to feel and think and know myself to be
15:33enough to think and feel and know that I
15:36was deserving and worthy. I was asking
15:38them to change the way that I saw
15:40myself. And no amount of reassurance can
15:42permanently heal a belief that you
15:45continue reinforcing every single day.
15:48And that is because your subconscious
15:50doesn't believe compliments. It believes
15:52patterns. It believes your own
15:55experiences and the things that you
15:58believe and you feel certain of and you
16:00expect. What you think is a normal. It
16:03believes what you are repeatedly
16:05tolerating. It believes the way that you
16:07speak to yourself. It believes the
16:09relationships that you stay in. It
16:12believes the boundaries that you don't
16:13set. It believes all of the moments that
16:15you abandon yourself just to avoid
16:17someone else leaving. And that's why I
16:20always say confidence isn't believing
16:22everyone will choose you. It is actually
16:25knowing that you will still choose
16:26yourself if they don't. and that you're
16:29worthy and deserving and lovable enough
16:31to be surrounded around people that do
16:34choose you, that do love you, that do
16:36see that great parts of yourself that
16:38you see. The safest place your worth can
16:42ever leave is inside your own hands.
16:45It's in your control and not in someone
16:48else's. And ironically, when you stop
16:51needing another person to convince you,
16:54to convince you that you are enough,
16:56love instantly becomes so much lighter.
17:00You are no longer asking someone to
17:02complete you, to make you feel whole.
17:05You are simply asking yourself, does
17:07this person add to the life that I have
17:10already built and that I already love?
17:12That's where secure love begins. Mindset
17:15shift number four was realizing that you
17:18stop chasing people the moment that you
17:21stop asking them to rescue you. I don't
17:23actually think that most of us are
17:25actually chasing a person. I think that
17:27we are chasing what we believe that
17:30person is going to give us. We have seen
17:34some things of that person and we
17:35believe that that person is going to be
17:37the one that's going to give us
17:38security, belonging, excitement,
17:40validation, home. For so many years, I
17:43thought that oh, I was just chasing
17:45relationships. But now looking back, I
17:48was I realized that what I was really
17:50chasing was the feeling of relief. I was
17:53chasing relief from that loneliness,
17:55relief from that self-doubt, relief from
17:58constantly wondering if I was enough.
18:01And that's a really heavy job for
18:03another person to give. Because when
18:06[snorts] someone becomes responsible for
18:08rescuing you, for relieving you from
18:11your heavy emotional world, you stop
18:13seeing them clearly. You don't see who
18:15they truly are. You see who you need
18:18them to be. You see that this person is
18:21the solution to your problems. You don't
18:23see underneath all of the other things
18:25that they are. So that's why we ignore
18:28red flags. That's why we become attached
18:30to potential. That's why we stay in
18:33situations that make us unhappy. And
18:35that is because leaving doesn't just
18:37feel like we're losing a person. It
18:39feels like we're losing the future that
18:41we have attached to them. The relief and
18:43the safety we have attached to them. One
18:46of the biggest shifts that came to me
18:48from this mindset shift was realizing
18:51that the reason that I was so attached
18:53to that person wasn't because that
18:54person was my only hope. The reason I
18:57was so attached to them is because of
18:59the future that I had imagined with them
19:01and what they meant for me. what I got
19:04from them. And so what I did was that I
19:07confused the two. I wasn't grieving that
19:10relationship. I wasn't grieving that
19:12missing that person, but I was more
19:13grieving the life that I thought that
19:15this person was going to give me access
19:18to finally. And so when I saw that, it
19:21really helped me change so much because
19:24once I stopped asking another person to
19:28rescue me from my own life, I stopped
19:30needing every connection to become
19:33forever. Yes, of course, as I said
19:35before, dating became lighter. I became
19:38more present. I became more curious
19:40about the person instead of what needs
19:42they will fulfill for me. I wasn't
19:44trying to make someone choose me
19:47anymore. I was asking myself now, do I
19:49actually like who I become when I'm
19:52around this person? You simply stop
19:54chasing people the moment that you stop
19:57asking them to rescue you from a life
20:00that you haven't yet learned to love
20:02yourself. All of those needs that you
20:04attach to that one person, if you
20:07finally take the responsibility and the
20:09accountability for them and you try to
20:12satisfy them for yourself, you're able
20:15to then see that person as not the
20:18completion and satisfaction of those
20:19needs, but as simply a person. You
20:22choose that person for who they are and
20:25not what they offer you, for how they
20:26complete you. Mindset shift number five
20:29was realizing that healthy love isn't
20:31about finding the right person, but it's
20:33about becoming someone who knows how to
20:36love. And I genuinely think that this is
20:39one of the biggest lies that we have
20:41been sold collectively. We have been
20:43taught that relationships succeed
20:46because two people love each other
20:48enough. And I really don't think that
20:50this is true anymore because I've met so
20:53many people who loved each other so
20:55deeply and they still were not able to
20:58make it work. Not because they didn't
21:00care enough and because they didn't want
21:01it enough, but because they didn't know
21:04how to. Nobody really teaches us how to
21:07communicate when we are hurt. How to
21:09repair after conflict. How to regulate
21:12ourselves when we are triggered. How to
21:15express a need without us feeling guilty
21:18and shameful about it. How to apologize,
21:21how to listen, how to disagree without
21:23making the other person the enemy. The
21:26feeling of love doesn't automatically
21:28teach you any of those things. These are
21:30all skills and skills can be learned and
21:34these are skills that can be learned. I
21:36used to spend so much time wondering
21:38whether someone was the one. But that
21:42shift allowed me to spend much more time
21:44asking myself something else. I was able
21:48to ask myself if I met the love of my
21:50life tomorrow, would I know how to build
21:53a healthy relationship with them? If the
21:55right person found me, would I know how
21:58to be in that relationship to be secure
22:01and healthy and loving in the right way?
22:04And that question really humbled me
22:06because the answer humbled me. I
22:09realized that I spent so many years
22:11preparing to meet someone, but I spend
22:14almost no time preparing to build
22:17something with them. Being able and
22:20capable of creating something with them
22:23and making it last. And here's another
22:25realization that completely changed the
22:27way that I see relationships is that
22:30love doesn't keep a relationship alive.
22:32two people who keep choosing each other
22:35too. People always ask me what's the one
22:38thing that every relationship needs and
22:41I honestly think there are only two
22:42conditions. Two people who are
22:44compatible with each other and they're
22:46willing to keep choosing each other
22:48especially when it's difficult. And not
22:50because that relationship is easy and
22:53effortless to make it work, but because
22:56that relationship matters more than
22:58winning, more than that person's pride,
23:01more than their ego, more than being
23:03right. And that's what commitment really
23:06is. Not finding someone that you never
23:09have to work with, but finding someone
23:11who's willing to work with you. The
23:13strongest relationships are not built by
23:15people who never struggle, who never
23:18fight, who never disagree, but they're
23:20built between two people who keep
23:22choosing each other through the
23:24struggle. Mindset shift number six was
23:26understanding that detachment isn't
23:29about caring less, but it's about
23:31needing less from people outside of you.
23:33I used to completely misunderstand
23:35detachment because I thought that it
23:37meant that you need to become more cold,
23:40not getting attached, pretending that
23:42you don't care deep down, and always
23:44keeping one foot at the door. But that's
23:47not what detachment really is. What I've
23:50described is fear. Real detachment is
23:53allowing yourself to love deeply without
23:56making the outcome responsible for your
23:59happiness. Because the more your
24:01happiness depends on one specific
24:05outcome, the less freedom you have
24:06inside your relationship. So you stop
24:09getting to know someone. You start
24:10trying to secure them. You stop enjoying
24:13what is happening today and you become
24:16obsessed with what might happen
24:18tomorrow. You start reading into every
24:21text, into every cue. You're planning
24:23every conversation. You're trying to
24:26control everything. You always take
24:28action. you're in your masculine energy.
24:30It's not because you are controlling,
24:32but it's because you are scared. That
24:34really changed completely the way that
24:36I've dated. Because after I realized
24:39that, I really genuinely hope that
24:42something works out. I care deeply,
24:45become excited, and I was able to do
24:47that without making my peace depend on
24:51whether it does. And ironically, that's
24:53when relationships become healthier
24:56because you're no longer trying to
24:58control them. You're simply experiencing
25:01them. So detachment isn't trusting that
25:04everything will work out, but it's
25:06trusting that you will be okay even if
25:09it doesn't. That is emotional freedom.
25:11Believing that you can be good
25:13regardless of the outcome, even if it
25:16doesn't happen in this way, it's going
25:17to happen in a better way. Mindset shift
25:19number seven was realizing that my life
25:22will always rise or fall to the level of
25:26my self-worth. For so many years, I
25:28thought that my standards were the
25:30problem. I kept saying, "Oh my god, I
25:32need stronger boundaries. I need to stop
25:35accepting so much less. I need to have
25:38higher standards." But I realized
25:40eventually that standards are not
25:42something that you force. It's something
25:44that your self-worth naturally creates.
25:47Because if I truly believe that I
25:49deserve respect, I don't have to
25:52convince myself to walk away from
25:54disrespect. If I truly believe that I'm
25:57worthy of consistency, I don't have to
26:00debate whether inconsistency is enough.
26:03If I truly believe that I deserve
26:05reciprocity, I stop trying to earn love
26:08from people who have already shown me
26:10that they can never give it. You don't
26:12accept the love you think you deserve.
26:15you accept the love that matches what
26:18you secretly believe that you're worth.
26:20And that it explained why I kept off
26:23forgiving, why I tolerated things that
26:26hurt me, why I stayed longer than I
26:28should have. It wasn't because I lacked
26:31boundaries. It was because I was still
26:33negotiating my worth. I was still trying
26:36to convince people of it. And the more I
26:39healed my relationship with myself, the
26:41more I saw my self-worth and I believed
26:44in it on my own, the less I needed to
26:46convince myself to have standards
26:49because they became automatic. When you
26:51know your value protecting your peace,
26:54it no longer feels selfish. It feels
26:57natural. It's also something you do not
26:59announce. It's something that people
27:01experience in what you no longer
27:04tolerate. self-worth quietly says that I
27:07will be okay if they don't choose me
27:10because the woman who knows her worth is
27:13not difficult to love. She's simply no
27:15longer willing to abandon herself in
27:18order to be loved. Mindset shift number
27:20eight was that I stopped trying to
27:22control love and I started learning how
27:24to trust it. I think this is something
27:27so many of us do without even realizing
27:30it. We think that if we think enough, if
27:34we analyze enough, if we prepare enough,
27:36we can stop ourselves from getting hurt.
27:39So yeah, what we do is overthink. We
27:41replay conversations. We read between
27:43the lines. We look for hidden meanings.
27:46We try to predict what's going to happen
27:49before it does because somehow we have
27:52convinced ourselves that if we see
27:54heartbreak coming, it won't hurt us
27:57much. But looking back, I don't think
27:59that overthinking ever protected me. It
28:02just made me experience that pain twice.
28:05It almost predicted and manifested that
28:07pain because I was preparing for it. And
28:10I was then able to experience it once in
28:12my imagination and once if it actually
28:15happened. I realized that control is
28:18often what fear looks like when it
28:20doesn't feel safe to trust. So I wasn't
28:23trying to understand the relationship. I
28:25was trying to control that uncertainty.
28:28But love has never been something that
28:31you can control, something that you can
28:34mold, you can put in a box, you can
28:36predict. You can't control whether
28:38someone chooses you. You can't control
28:40whether someone leaves. You can't
28:42control whether a relationship is going
28:44to last forever. The only thing that you
28:47can control is the way that you show up.
28:50the way that you show up for the
28:51relationship, but always also the way
28:53that you show up for yourself. That
28:55means your honesty, your communication,
28:59your boundaries, your ability to walk
29:01away when something no longer aligns
29:04with you. Everything else requires
29:06trust. And I think this is what most
29:08secure people understand that most
29:10anxious people don't. They understand
29:12that peace doesn't come from knowing
29:15what's going to happen. It comes from
29:18knowing that you will handle it whatever
29:21happens that you're going to be okay
29:22that no matter what happens. And that
29:25completely changed the way that I loved.
29:28It allowed me to feel safe to open up.
29:31It allowed me to not be so threatened by
29:34hurt because I stopped trying to control
29:36love and I started trusting myself. I
29:39didn't try to predict and control and
29:41fix love. I started placing that energy
29:45on myself and how I will handle it,
29:47trusting myself, building that security
29:49in myself, building that confidence in
29:51myself. Mindset shift number nine was I
29:54stopped asking do they like me and I
29:57started asking do I actually like who I
30:00become around them. I wish someone had
30:02asked me this years ago because when I
30:06was dating, it felt like every day was
30:08an interview. And it wasn't for them, it
30:11[clears throat] was for me. I was
30:12constantly trying to figure out whether
30:14I was saying the right thing, whether
30:17they were impressed, whether they liked
30:19me, whether they were attracted to me,
30:21whether they were going to text me
30:22afterwards. And without realizing it, I
30:25had made the entire experience about
30:27being chosen. I wasn't even paying
30:30attention to how I felt, how I felt
30:33around them, how they made me feel. That
30:36question completely changed everything.
30:38Do I actually like who I become around
30:41this person? So that meant, do I feel
30:43calm or am I constantly anxious? Do I
30:46feel accepted or am I performing? Can I
30:49be honest around them or am I editing
30:51myself to make them stay? Do I feel more
30:54like myself or less? And this question
30:58helped me realize that the right
30:59relationship won't ask you to become
31:02someone else. It will make you feel
31:04safer to become more of yourself. And
31:08that became my new way of dating. So I
31:11dropped everything that I used to do and
31:13I stopped treating people like they were
31:15judges. I started treating them like
31:18information. Not do they like me, do
31:21they want me, but is this actually the
31:23kind of relationship that I want to
31:25build? And that tiny shift completely
31:28changed my standards because I stopped
31:31trying to be enough for everyone else.
31:34And I started looking for someone who
31:36brought out the best in me. And finally,
31:38mindset number 10. Healing isn't about
31:41becoming someone new. But I realized
31:43that it's about coming home to who
31:45you've always been. I think this might
31:47be the biggest lesson of all of them.
31:50Because for so long I thought that
31:53healing meant fixing myself. There was
31:56always another book. There was always
31:58another course. There was always another
32:00breakthrough, another version of me that
32:02I thought that I needed to become.
32:04Whether that was the secure version, the
32:06healed version, the confident version,
32:09the version of me that never overthinks,
32:11the detached version, the feminine
32:13version, the version of me that never
32:16get triggered, never cries, never doubts
32:18herself. But in reality, healing didn't
32:21look like I was becoming her. It really
32:24looked in the end like realizing that
32:26she was underneath everything that I had
32:30learned to believe about myself. It was
32:32underneath the people pleasing. It was
32:34underneath the overthinking. She was
32:36underneath the fear, the perfectionism,
32:39the need for reassurance, the
32:41comparison, the self-abandonment. None
32:43of these things were who I was. These
32:47were simply strategies. There were
32:48coping strategies that I have learned in
32:51order to survive. And who I truly was
32:54was underneath all of this coping. And
32:56once I stopped judging those parts of
32:58myself, I could finally let them go. One
33:01of my favorite quotes says that before
33:03you heal, your patterns feel like your
33:06personality. And I think that is so
33:08true. Use our personality for our
33:10patterns, for our coping mechanisms.
33:13Because once you begin healing, you
33:15truly realize that maybe I am not really
33:17an anxious person. Maybe I'm not a a shy
33:20person. Maybe I simply learned anxiety.
33:24Maybe simply I learned that I have to be
33:26shy. You also learned that maybe I'm not
33:28someone who's hard to love. Maybe I
33:30learned to believe that. Maybe I'm not
33:33too much. Maybe I have spent years
33:35around people who couldn't meet me where
33:37I was. So healing isn't about creating a
33:41whole new identity, a a whole new and
33:43improved version of you, but it's more
33:46about questioning the one that you
33:48accidentally or you out of necessity
33:52built without you consciously deciding
33:55deciding that you want that. So the goal
33:58isn't to become someone new, someone
34:00completely glamorous and different from
34:03who you are, but the goal is to stop
34:05believing that you were ever the stories
34:08that your wounds told you. And that is
34:10such a huge step in becoming secure
34:13because you learn to have confidence and
34:16trust in who you really are. You see
34:19yourself, you know yourself, you
34:21understand where you come from, and you
34:23trust and love who that version of you
34:25is. Looking back, I don't think that
34:27these mindset shifts just changed my
34:29relationships. I really think that they
34:31have changed the way that I completely
34:34experience my life because it taught me
34:37to no longer walk into relationships
34:40looking for someone to complete me. To
34:42no longer ask someone else to tell me
34:44who I am, to no longer wait for another
34:47person before I allow myself to feel
34:50whole. Because when you stop asking
34:52another person to become your source of
34:55security, they are finally free to
34:57simply become your partner. And I
35:00genuinely believe becoming secure is not
35:03about never feeling fear again. It's not
35:06about never getting triggered. It's not
35:08about becoming this perfectly healed
35:10version of yourself that never
35:12struggles, never feels anything bad,
35:15never gets into disagreements. It's
35:17about knowing that whenever fear shows
35:20up, you no longer abandon yourself. You
35:23come back to yourself again and again
35:26and again. Because at the end of the
35:28day, every relationship in your life
35:30will change. Some people will stay. Some
35:33people will leave. Some people will
35:35teach you lessons that you will carry
35:37forever. But there is one relationship
35:40you will wake up in every single morning
35:43for the rest of your life. And that is
35:45the one that you have with yourself. So
35:47if there's one relationship that is
35:50worth protecting, that is worth
35:52nurturing, that is worth investing in,
35:54it's that one. Because the quality of
35:56every relationship that you build with
35:59another person will always reflect the
36:01relationship that you have built with
36:04yourself. And I honestly and truly
36:06believe that's where secure love begins.
36:09Secure love starts by feeling secure in
36:13yourself. Loving yourself in a secure
36:15way so you know how to do the same with
36:18others. So that's it for today guys. If
36:20you enjoyed this video, let me know in
36:22the comments which mindset shift
36:24resonated with you the most. I really
36:26read every single one of your comments
36:28and I genuinely love hearing your
36:30perspectives and your experiences. If
36:32you're new here, I would love to have
36:34you as part of this community. So don't
36:36forget to subscribe and I will see you
36:38on the next one. Bye.

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